Maybe… I just want to be loved. Maybe I’m just searching for a man who loves me. I actually know that I can’t handle being unloved right now. What Stan did to me, hurts too much. I feel worthless, thinking about how he handled me. Maybe he has hurt me way more than I realised. I never really believed him when he said such things to me.. but then did I really not take them by heart? I do not know. I need to remind myself of the nice things he said to me, but I currently can’t. Not reading or hearing a word from him, just makes me feel like he never meant the things he said to me. That he probably never has really loved me as much as he claimed.
I actually know that things with Momo will not work out again. There was a reason we broke up in the first place, and I know for sure these things have not changed in the past year. I am just searching for some reassurance that someone actually cares for me. After he said that he probably is not 100% over me, he also made me realise that he has moved on and does not need me in his life as a girlfriend. He might not be entirely over me, but he is for the bigger part. He is willing to be my friend, but then that’s about it. And I need to accept this. I need to learn to be by myself again. I need to love myself again and realise what I am worth. I need to learn what Stan has taken away from me. I need to move on, and not search for the next boy right away. I haven’t been by myself since March this year, this is quite a long time for me. I need to be by myself again and still be happy. Without being cuddled. Without the daily reassurance. Without the jealousy. And so on.
I would have never thought I’d end up as one of those girls that can’t be alone. I have always been a loner, i always felt better being by myself rather than having a boyfriend. I was never one to be in a relationship for too long. Yet here I am, having real trouble being by myself and not having someone to depend on. Why?
Pete. I realised that he really liked me. He liked my personality, but I also knew that it would be wrong to not be honest. We have not talked since. So that kind of sucks, but I also know it’s for the best.
I will also meet a friend on Saturday. Well, maybe we’ll meet, there has no time been set yet. I haven’t seen him in years and we did make out once when we got drunk. He asked me to date again. He is not being serious about it, so I think it’s okay to go on a date for fun. I just need to realise that my worth is not measured by dates or any boy for that matter. I need to learn to treasure my worth again. Without the reassurance of anyone else.