Pete is a friend of a friend of mine. She tried to set us up and we went on a date. I think he really liked me, but he was just not boyfriend material for me, so I stopped it right after the first date.

who loves me?

Maybe… I just want to be loved. Maybe I’m just searching for a man who loves me. I actually know that I can’t handle being unloved right now. What Stan did to me, hurts too much. I feel worthless, thinking about how he handled me. Maybe he has hurt me way more than I realised. I never really believed him when he said such things to me.. but then did I really not take them by heart? I do not know. I need to remind myself of the nice things he said to me, but I currently can’t. Not reading or hearing a word from him, just makes me feel like he never meant the things he said to me. That he probably never has really loved me as much as he claimed.

I actually know that things with Momo will not work out again. There was a reason we broke up in the first place, and I know for sure these things have not changed in the past year. I am just searching for some reassurance that someone actually cares for me. After he said that he probably is not 100% over me, he also made me realise that he has moved on and does not need me in his life as a girlfriend. He might not be entirely over me, but he is for the bigger part. He is willing to be my friend, but then that’s about it. And I need to accept this. I need to learn to be by myself again. I need to love myself again and realise what I am worth. I need to learn what Stan has taken away from me. I need to move on, and not search for the next boy right away. I haven’t been by myself since March this year, this is quite a long time for me. I need to be by myself again and still be happy. Without being cuddled. Without the daily reassurance. Without the jealousy. And so on.
I would have never thought I’d end up as one of those girls that can’t be alone. I have always been a loner, i always felt better being by myself rather than having a boyfriend. I was never one to be in a relationship for too long. Yet here I am, having real trouble being by myself and not having someone to depend on. Why?

Pete. I realised that he really liked me. He liked my personality, but I also knew that it would be wrong to not be honest. We have not talked since. So that kind of sucks, but I also know it’s for the best.
I will also meet a friend on Saturday. Well, maybe we’ll meet, there has no time been set yet. I haven’t seen him in years and we did make out once when we got drunk. He asked me to date again. He is not being serious about it, so I think it’s okay to go on a date for fun. I just need to realise that my worth is not measured by dates or any boy for that matter. I need to learn to treasure my worth again. Without the reassurance of anyone else.


update on my (love) life.

I did tell you guys about the date with Pete last Saturday. My friend who tried to set us up, was incredibly annoying trying to make it work. I told her that I would never get together with Pete for several reasons, but that I liked him and also would appreciate him being in my life every now and then… as a friend. I don’t think she has yet accepted this, as she is trying to find reasons for us to work out, but you know.. she will understand eventually. He also has been asking her what I told her about our date and him.. she didn’t exactly answer his question, even less told him what I did say about it. He does like me, that I am sure off. Because he did text me after our date:

Thanks for the fun evening. See you soon… hopefully… 😉 sleep well

I texted him back to thank him and that I will see him soon. We did text some more the following days, but not much deep talk at all. He asked me if I was off this weekend and I said yes, but then nothing more. I’m not sure if he wants to meet up, but however.. you know. It has been a fun date, but that’s about it.

But what I actually wanted to tell you guys. As I have mentioned before, I have texted Momo after Stan broke up with me. I am not sure why, but I just needed some reassurance. We have been getting along, just as we have before our relationship. We talk, we laugh, we tease. As I have also told you, he has been very flirty with me, which caught me a bit off guard, as I find it very weird to be flirting with an ex-boyfriend you know a lot of. Today we somehow got to the subject of other boy-/girlfriends ever since we broke up. I didn’t answer his questions, because all of a sudden I felt bad for having someone after him. Because currently I am asking myself if I ever really have gotten over him? I have been thinking about him so much in the last few weeks, it’s really weird. I mean my mind knows that there are still things that bother me about him. But I also ask myself if this could work out again? It has been a year since we broke up (like almost exactly a year)… have we changed? I do not know. But he has texted me something today that has really made my heart smile a little:

I would still not sign any contract that I have 100% gotten over you.

It’s been a year. I could have sworn he long has dated someone else or has a girlfriend. But obviously he is in the same situation as I am. But what does that mean?

date with Pete.

Things have been weird with Pete. We did change our date place to an ice hockey game in the middle of the week, which I only found out yesterday, wasn’t even taking place. He looked at the wrong date, so I texted him (after he didn’t text me for 2 days) on Friday and he apologised. So we settled for the movies once again. No more messages after that. My friend did ask me several times whether he had texted me, because they were texting.. but you know. Nothing. I didn’t get upset, I told my mom, I will not get into another relationship of me trying to catch the boy. However, he messaged me at around 4pm today, asking when we will meet up. I set a time and he told me that he was out drinking with a friend. Once more, I did not get upset about the fact that he was drinking alcohol before our actual date. Maybe he was nervous or whatever his reasons were, I was okay with that.

The actual date was fun. A lot of fun. We met up at the train station. He was late… AND on the phone when he was walking towards me. I was laughing my ass off, for whatever reason. I waited for another 5 minutes till he came over and said hello. We quickly got into a conversation. There was never any awkward silence between us, although he did most of the talking. I was totally fine with it and he made me laugh a lot – which isn’t the easiest task as of lately. We also bumped into a friend of us we both know, who was very surprised to see us together. Oh how the talk will start.
Anyway. So we went to the movies, he talked a lot. He talked to me in English (he is native English, whilst I am not) and we just got along. We had a lot to laugh about and just genuinely had a good time. During the break of the movie he wanted to get out, because he didn’t like the movie, but I asked him to stay, so we did. I drove him to a bar after the movie and got myself home, as I have work tomorrow (it’s currently 12am, so yay).

As I have mentioned, the date was fun. But realising how much I didn’t care about things that usually bother me just let me know there was something off with me. It got me thinking a lot about my ex-boyfriends. Especially Stan. When Stan and I sat in the movies for our first date, the sparks just flew all around us – I knew that he was interested and so was I. We wanted to touch each other and started to tease and stuff. We also had a lot of fun, but there was just more to it. This didn’t happen with Pete and when I first saw Pete, I knew he would only become a good friend – if any. I genuinely like him. I really do. But I don’t think he is interested either. I do not know. We also talked about a next date, but I don’t think this will ever turn into something more.
There’s a lot of reasons for that (on my part): he doesn’t want kids for the sake of his life, he smokes, he drinks a lot of alcohol and just the way he talks about certain things and I’m not physically attracted to him (this is the tiniest of problems though). I do like him. As a friend.
I told these things to my friend, who set us up, and she got upset and said that maybe he will change his mind about the kids. I just replied “maybe is not enough for me”. Because “maybe” has made me think a lot about Momo and Stan. Seriously. This date has made me miss Stan even more, and what is awkward,… I also miss Momo. I have been texting with him for the last few days and he has openly been flirting with me, which I cannot seem to get used to. But it’s good for my ego, so I let him. We’ll see where the future leads me. For now I better stay single and I actually think it’s a good thing. I wish there’d just be a mix of Momo and Stan and I would be perfectly happy.

free time when being single.

Not being in a relationship makes you realise how much time you actually spent with your boyfriend. I don’t want to complain at all, but it makes me miss Stan a lot more than I want to. I don’t miss the relationship with him, just… him being around. Me being busy all the time. I mean, I do ask myself how I managed to put him in my sometimes-busy plan, but when I have free time I usually automatically just think about him. Thinking about what we could be doing and why we have given up on that relationship. I miss him. I feel lonely every time I have 5 minutes by my own, and it makes me mad at myself.
I was off work at 2.30pm today. I got home and I did not know what to do. I knew that if we still would have been together, I could have just asked him to join me and he would have gotten off work without a second glance. Well maybe, towards the end of our relationship, he wouldn’t. But you know, he did in the beginning. One day I was late for work and when I called them, they said I could take the entire day off. He worked till lunch and then we had a blast going out. Why can I not have this now?

I did text a friend and she said I should ask Pete. But he was working and I do not even want to ask him, because we don’t know each other yet. I know he wouldn’t get off work early for someone like me. I wouldn’t either.
Speaking of Pete. We first had decided to go out for dinner and then to the movies on Saturday. We have since changed this plan to go watch an ice hockey game. Not sure yet what to think of this, but he was so happy suggesting this, that I couldn’t say no.

We’ll see where the future brings us. I did tell my colleagues at work that Stan broke up with me and they all said it was a good choice. That he was toxic. I know this. I don’t really miss him in my life. Well, sometimes I do. I just miss the idea of what we had and could have shared. I miss a boyfriend, to be completely honest. So I am very aware and worried, that I should not get any expectations up to Pete. It would be unfair to him.

new boy? | meet Pete.

Something funny – yet awkward – happened yesterday. I went out with a female friend of mine. I was very glad I had asked her out the day before, as I was not feeling it yesterday.. but hadn’t seen her in ages, so I went anyway. I walked to the café and got very sad again for the reasons I posted yesterday. I just wasn’t in the mood. I missed Stan. I wanted to be miserable and not go out. I felt bad for going out, knowing it wouldn’t be okay for him. I felt bad for the whole weekend, because I did all the things he was never okay with. This is ridiculous, right?.. I know.

My friend is a good one though. Although I was not in the mood to talk about Stan again, she asked me all about our relationship. She did know most of it already, as she was usually the one I would text when I felt low because of Stan or sent her a screenshot of what he’s said to me, when I got mad and wanted someone to understand me. She managed to get me angry at him again. Telling me how much of a bad person he is. Or at least, how badly he treated me.
When we first broke up about a month ago, she did tell me that she has a male friend I would get along with perfectly. She also told him about me, as he was complaining about how stupid all the girls are and she just said that he would love me, because of my humour. So when Stan and I broke up the first time, she said that she plans to set us up for a date. I didn’t believe her and just laughed it up. The topic came up again yesterday over our coffee. And she made me laugh-crying because she was so desperately trying for us to get to know each other, yet there didn’t seem to be any chance to meet. It was very cute of her. But I didn’t think about it no more, once we left.

So I walked home. I took another path where I actually passed some places I had been with Stan. I didn’t feel sad, no I was still happy about how much I could laugh with my friend. BUT. Whenever that topic of her friend – let’s call him Pete – came up, I felt bad for moving on from Stan. I remembered my words I told him, how long it will take me to get over him if we ever would break up. And I know my heart is not in it yet, but I also loved the idea of meeting someone new. It’s okay to meet someone new, I just need to keep telling myself this.

Long story short, I gave my friend the go that she was allowed to set up a date, but that I would not take any sort of action myself. She texted me later on Instagram saying that there was a way to chat and I said that I knew that. She was chatting with Pete over Facebook, so let him know that it would be okay for me if he texted me over Instagram. He was very insecure about texting me, because he thought I would think of him badly if he just texted me like this without actually knowing him.

So. He texted me. “Hey there 🙂 I hope this isn’t weird or creepy, but your friend thought I should text you. So if this is creepy to you, BLAME HER ;)”… I don’t think I have ever laughed as much as I did yesterday and it was really.. a good thing for my heart. I can’t remember the last time I laughed so much. So we texted from 6 till 10pm. We were chatting away, just casual talk.. when all of a sudden he said “So I was wondering.. should we meet up some time like a date or something? ;)”
I was like… super overwhelmed with this. If he had just asked to meet up, there wouldn’t have been any surprise, but he took “date” as a word. Oooookay. I did say yes, and we will have our date on Saturday. But then I felt really bad about Stan again. Like, a week after our breakup already a new date? But then I just kept telling myself that he didn’t want me no more, so it’s my right to be happy and meet someone else. I did text my friend saying that my heart is not entirely in it already and Pete does know that I only just broke up with my ex, so he probably knows that he needs to slow down. I’m just curious to get to know him, and we’ll see how things turn out.

Life is weird sometimes. And very very unpredictable.