schoolmate F

Schoolmate F – is as said my schoolmate I had during the apprenticeship. When we first met in 2009 I had a HUGE crush on him, but this died down quickly when he had a girlfriend. He then switched to my class (he was in another one at first) and we spent more and more time together. In about 2012, we started hanging out away from school as well, and again we almost ended up kissing, but we didn’t. He has been this inbetween-friend for the longest time. We have been talking about being together and jokingly said that we’d be great together. He also did kind of help getting together with Momo. But else he’s just a great friend of mine. When things with Momo ended, the friendship suffered as well. And when he started to get his fingers into the whole breakup thing, I told him to fuck off. It took us a year until we met up again and had a blast and everything was back to normal.

What even is life?

Life is really weird right now. I’m talking like.. reeeeally weird. I haven’t yet figured out what it is, but something is off. But let’s go through some things that have happened since my last post (I just realised that it has only been a week… how?.. what?!)

1) I didn’t see Ken. Things have been absolutely weird with him. He didn’t talk to me on Friday, as I mentioned and I think it was on Sunday we talked about this whole thing. It literally was a huge misunderstanding. I haven’t changed my mind about not getting into a relationship with him, but there’s something about him. Long story short, he has said that he will get his walls up again so I don’t see his feelings (which doesn’t really work, but we’ll let him believe so). He is still telling me that he likes me. But then again is talking about just being friends. BUT is really jealous when I told him about meeting a guy the other day. What?!
Also this last week something has happened, that has really caught me off guard and I was literally crying all day for no reason. The first person that came into my mind? Ken. What?!… so yeah we are talking. We are fighting. We are flirting. It’s a cycle and yes, I do enjoy it somehow.

2) My ex, Momo, has texted me the other day. I was just messing around with some guys when I saw a number popping up on my phone. Now let’s make something clear: I never ever delete numbers, unless I am super angry. I didn’t even think about the ex when I opened the message, but then saw his picture. Well. He was trying to have small talk. When I cut him off, he texted me on Wednesday “would you like to meet up?” and I was like “why the hell would I do that?” I’m gonna type his reply out:
“Because you are still on my mind. And even if I doubt that there will ever be more than friendship, I’d like us to try.”
It was in the middle of the night. I read it probably about 30 times and there was just one thing on my mind: W.T.F.??? Ermm… no?!
So I went back to sleep and replied the following the next morning: “You can get that thought out of your mind right now. Too much has happened. And I am not yet ready for a friendship. I am not okay with ignoring what has happened.. once more. I am still too hurt and too angry with you” to which he replied “I understand. No I can’t, even if it seems like that. Wish you just the best”.

What did I just read? So this was a thing. I was actually happy, finally getting it off my chest. But then today schoolmate F (who’s a good friend of Momo (and used to be my best friend)) texted me. At some point he asked whether I was angry with him and I told him that I was really annoyed with his reaction in January. Long story short, he said that Momo was regretting what he’s done and he was still in love with me and would like to see me and what not. So I just told him that it was way too late for anything like that.
I am just angry about how they could even think that I’d give this relationship another chance? How dare you come after 6 months (!!!!) and act like nothing happened, asking for yet another chance? How dare you think I would even think about that? I have given you way too many chances to make things right. And with these little sentences you showed me just once more that you have not changed a bit. Not even now.

Anyway.. too much of the depressive sh*t.

3) I bumped into Gohan yesterday. It was really weird and made me way much more happy than it should have. I was searching for a bus on the train station, when I saw a guy coming towards me. I wasn’t 100% sure if it was really him, but then he looked up and I waved. He came straight to me, hugged me (a bit too tight) and was really happy. Like. I could tell he was happy. He told me that he was in a rush and what I was doing, so I told him what I was searching for. He was actually taking his time to show me where the bus was waiting and made sure I got on the right bus. Like. Wow. We talked like we did when we used to date and when he had to go, he hugged me again. Not like a friend would hug me though. He was caressing my back, hugged me for like 10 seconds (so it didn’t really make it a “goodbye-hug”, ya know?!) and went off. I just sat there and was thinking about the time we dated. What made me fall in love with him the first time. I was also thinking about texting him but then decided against it. Soon enough I got a text from him “really cool to see you!” and I replied saying that it felt really good to see him, too. I actually miss dating him, is that weird?

fuck them!

I still am so upset about schoolmate F… And I don’t understand why?! I mean, I’m not upset, but kind of disappointed.

Don’t get me wrong. I am so happy with the decision I made. I am much more happy without Momo and I don’t miss schoolmate F as a friend either. I deleted him and blocked him on my phone. I am that disappointed. I just don’t understand how two people I was so close with, could do – or rather say – such a thing? It’s not like I said “well Momo is not perfect, I’m done”. I fought for over 3 months! 3 months of misery and hurt. Schoolmate F even said it was good that I cut him out, when I did. So why is he acting like that now? I just don’t understand. Why is he now pitying Momo when I was the one who was miserable all that time?

I have done everything I could to save the relationship. Momo just watched. He watched me go. He didn’t listen when I told him how I felt. He didn’t act when I told him to do something. He just went on with his life as he knew it. It took me 3 months to understand that I have to go. It took me another 2 months to move on and allow myself to be happy. And now I seem to be the bad one? Now they try to make me feel guilty about not fighting? When two close people hurt me so much, over and over again. Now I am bad for taking care of myself?

No. I don’t feel guilty. And I don’t even feel bad for feeling the way I am. No, I indeed am feeling a bit happy that he’s so miserable now. I know that it might be wrong, but it’s a satisfaction to know that he finally knows what I was going through for 3 months. He should suffer!

There are so many things I would like to tell them both. So many things I would like to shout at them. But I won’t. Because they won’t listen. They won’t understand. They won’t. Just as much as they didn’t give a fuck the last 6 months. Now I am the one to play this part. And I should stop thinking about it and have any kind of feelings about the situation. Because it is just not worth it.

Fuck them.

“best friend”

Some people are fucking stupid, seriously. I am so mad!

Schoolmate F – who used to be a very very close and good friend of mine – texted me this morning.

“now you’ve got him down”

I was reading it after work and was like “what the hell is he talking about?”. Of course I knew that he was talking about Momo. Who else would he bitch at me for?… But then I’d like to say that he’s been my close friend, not Momo’s. When we broke up, I wasn’t too sad to lose him as well though. This might sound weird, saying we were so close but he was one of these friends which pushed me into things I didn’t like, so there’s that.

Well, it was very rude how he texted me so I was asking what the hell he was talking about. He didn’t reply, other than saying that it was about Momo. At first I just sent a question mark back, but after being angry for 30 minutes straight I texted him again saying “you know what? I don’t even want to know”.

Why the hell does he think he has the right do say such a thing to me? After 4 months of me being depressed and really sad,.. considering how bad Momo has treated me, now I am the bad one? Now I am the bad one for taking care of myself and cutting him out of my life?

You know another fun fact? It seems that only now that Momo is back from his holidays does he think about me again. So yes, schoolmate F and Momo can both go fuck themselves. I am so over these people being such a negative influence on me. I was so happy without them in my life, now he thinks he can talk to me like that?! Well, nobody cared when I was feeling rubbish, why should I care now?

So. Angry.

why mom?!

Yesterday I had a weird conversation with my mom. It actually caught me off guard, because I told her like 3 weeks ago when Momo was at my place, that he’s not my boyfriend. I also told her that we made out, but that it doesn’t mean a thing (which it didn’t back then). Well, when we had dinner we started talking about my weekend, and because Momo AND schoolmate F have asked me over again today, she asked me what was going on here. She asked whether schoolmate F wanted to be with me and I was like “hell no, mom. Why would you say something like that?!” And she didn’t say a thing, but it felt like she thought that schoolmate F has an eye on me. I’m not sure how to explain it to her, because it actually is weird between schoolmate F and I. We never really know what it is, but we don’t want to label it either.

However, so I told my mom that he doesn’t want anything from/with me. So she was like: but Momo does? And I said that I didn’t know. So she was like “but you’re interested?!” I didn’t answer, which pretty much was her answer. So she continued to say things like “but what about schoolmate F? Does he know about you and Momo?” and I was like, yeah mom, he’s actually trying to get us together. So she didn’t understand that one as well, because she thinks that schoolmate F is in love with me.

This was just really weird to hear those things from someone neutral. Like, she didn’t know any background story, just the two guys who’ve been at my place and how they acted around me. What I’ve told her about us and so on. So it is kinda confusing to hear that she thinks that schoolmate F is in love with me. Is he?!

Yeah anyway, so I’m going over to Momo’s place tomorrow again. Schoolmate F might be there, too. Probably already going in a couple of hours, if I can stay awake. But he said that he’s out and he didn’t know when he’ll be back home so I told him to text me and check if I’m still awake and if I am I’ll go over. When we talked about it I was like “no worries, we don’t have to see each other every single day.” and he was like “yeaah we do!”. Cute, huh?! Also he texted me this morning that it really sucks to wake up by himself. Awww.

some more updates.

Like I said in my last post, I didn’t mind that Momo didn’t act all coupley, but when I went to grab some lunch with schoolmate F today, it finally hit me why Momo wouldn’t do anything coupley. Or one of the reasons at least: schoolmate F asked him what that was between him and I. And Momo – just like I answered schoolmate F’s question some days before – said that he didn’t really know. Like schoolmate F asked like this “what is it between you and her? Just some fun for a while or something serious? What is going on between the two of you?”… so on my way back home today, I thought about it again and it finally hit me: Why would Momo act all coupley in front of his friends, when he (or we) doesn’t even know what it is between us? Like, why would he act like a couple, when he  might think that it is just fun for me? Does that make any sense to you? So after figuring that out, it was quite a big step for him to kiss me on the stairs aaand holding my hand while going back.

Well however, so after he said that he didn’t know what it was, he also said that he wouldn’t mind if it did get serious. Which of course is nice to know, because it means that he is considering a relationship. And it’s not just fun for him. And it also means that there might be feelings involved already. This has calmed me a lot since yesterday. Also schoolmate F has been real cute today and said that he could put his mind to rest now that he knows that Momo won’t hurt me. He was real worried that Momo just wanted to get me laid.

I don’t know if things will work out. Like, I got super worried today when I started thinking about what I’d do if I wouldn’t get feelings for him. But let’s be honest, I already have’m. They might not be like super in love or whatever, but I do have feelings for him. I think about him constantly, he makes me all shaky when I see him and I get nervous around him sometimes. Also I get those butterflies when I look at pictures of him and I just… I constantly miss him. I love being around him. When we drove back to my place on Sunday I got sad already, although he was still there. I wanted to have him with me. But also he is such an awesome friend, which is such a perfect mix. We have fun all the time and we’re so much alike. Also schoolmate F told me today that he’s never seen my eyes sparkle like they did on Saturday. He said that I looked really happy, which I – of course – was.

Right now I’ve turned off my phone, because I have a bet going on with Momo. I said that I wouldn’t turn on my phone till Thursday, because he always keeps me awake in the evening… but as if I’d care. Seriously. I’ve turned it off for 3 hours now and I freaking miss him already. We could still message on facebook, but he’s rarely online, so yeah. I probably will go through with it till tomorrow night, but I’m not sure if I can deal with it. Oh and why Thursday you might ask?! He invited me to dinner, so I’ll see him again in just 3 days. Yaaaay. Also when we went to grab some food on Sunday we talked about going out again and he was like “well you guys should come over on Thursday again”.. So today schoolmate F said that he didn’t know whether he was serious, so now it is this awkward moment of Momo wanting to be alone with me or maybe not. But I’ll see in just 3 days… 🙂 Also Momo asked whether we’re on holidays over Christmas break, because ‘we should totally go on some skiing holidays’. What the hell?! It is kinda cute though. Him planing and everything.

So yeah, I have plans in the near future. Also schoolmate F has the house to himself for the next 3 weeks, so I probably will be at his place for quite some time.

party weekend.

Hello there everyone! It is currently 5pm when I’m typing this and I have just returned home from my night out with schoolmate F and Momo.

I wasn’t sure at all whether our plans would work out. Momo hadn’t texted me all day – turns out he was at a party – and I then messaged him about our night out. So Momo picked me up at like 11pm. I should have been at schoolmate F’s place at 10.30pm, but who cares. So we went to schoolmate F’s place and he offered for us both to stay over (because I live a 30min drive away, and so does Momo). So we went out, had a few drinks. Momo had to take pictures of the party, because well it’s his hobby/job. He didn’t act coupley AT ALL. Like, we hugged to say hi. He hugged me sometimes in the club, but nothing else. But I knew it would end up like that, I would have been surprised if not. Because he knew literally everybody in there (and nobody knew me).  Anyway, he kissed me once on the stairs at the end of the night (well it was like 5am), and nobody was there. And we did hold hands to walk back to schoolmate F’s place.

ANYWAY. So today we got up at like 1pm and I think it finally hit Momo. I’m not sure at all, but he did hug me quite a lot today when we were still in bed. Like, he sighed and then held me REAL close. He didn’t let go of me, and he did kiss me when schoolmate F was in the room (although we did take care that he wasn’t looking). Just some little things which he didn’t do before and it felt like he’s finally realising that this. us. could work out. But I actually just want it to stay that way for a little longer. Getting to know each other, but still having what we have right now.

We have been spending so much time together. Like, around our friends but also just the two of us and I think it is perfect to get to know each other. We’re silly and serious and it is just perfect. He’s not too attached but can also be quite cuddley. He’s outgoing and takes me with him, but also let’s me stay at home if I want to. We know lots of people, like we have close friends. We’ve met some of the family already, he doesn’t live too far away. We have the same interests and so on… What was funny though, his sister messaged me on facebook today, because he wouldn’t answer his phone. I don’t know why or how she got my name, but oh well. Hey there 😉

AAND also good news, schoolmate F has just texted me that he’s asked Momo about me. And Momo said: “I wouldn’t mind if it would work out. Like, something serious”. Yaaay, perfect ending to a perfect week(end).

big news.

Amm.. oh wow, I totally forgot to tell you guys. Once more. Some big news here.

Last week when I was texting with Momo we were teasing each other and I ended up telling him that I’d make a sandwich for him and that he could come over on Thursday eve. For the whole week I didn’t know whether he was serious about it, but he kept saying things like “I’ll show you on Thursday”. When I was at school on Thursday though, he said that he couldn’t come over because he had to go to the gym. You imagine how sad and disappointed I was.

HOWEVER, he then said that I could come over to his place. I was quite shocked in the beginning, but really, where was the deal whether I’d go over or he’d come over? I just wanted to see him again. Because I felt super awkward I told schoolmate F that I’m going over so he was like “when are you picking me up?” so I said he should ask Momo if I should bring you with me to watch some ice hockey – we were joking at that point. So yep, I ended up picking schoolmate F up for real and driving to Momo’s place. At first I was glad that schoolmate F was with me, because I thought it would be less awkward. But once he sat in my car I was like “nope, that’s gonna be even more awkward…”.

Well when we arrived I said hi to Momo – awkward when you don’t know how. So we hugged and then went to his room to watch the game. Schoolmate F was always teasing Momo to lay next to me, so in the end I sat on the left side, then Momo and then schoolmate F. Schoolmate F also brought a bottle of wine, so they asked if I wanted some, too and I said if I did I wouldn’t drive home anymore. Then Momo was like “neither of you really expected to go home tonight, did you?!”. So that was settled then. We smoked some pot, drank 2 bottles of wine. But because schoolmate F hadn’t brought his work clothes with him he went home by midnight. As soon as schoolmate F left, Momo started holding me while we walked. He did put his arm around me when we watched TV, but nothing else. So we went back to watch some TV and it took him like a couple of minutes until he started kissing me.

Long story short, we ended up having sex. I told him that usually I am not the one to have sex at the second date and he instantly asked “do you regret it?” and I was like “hell no!”. Well however, I do not how what this is between us. Or better said, if he can imagine to be with me at some point. It is still all very fresh and he said that he really liked it. He also said that he’s glad I’m there because he sleeps way better with me being around (isn’t that the cutest thing?!). So I woke him up in the morning after 7 failed alarms and went to work 1 hour late. He texted me while I was driving that he was really sorry that I had to work late because of him and I was like “I don’t even care!”. I was quite the talk on Friday at my workplace then.

In the evening I texted schoolmate F again and asked if we should watch ice hockey at my place and he was like “no let’s go to my place. I’ll ask Momo if he wants to join!”. So I picked him up after work, went home to take a shower and then drove to schoolmate F’s place. Momo declined though and my mood wasn’t really good at that point. I was back to square one (do you say that?) and didn’t know if he even wanted to see me again. So schoolmate F said that I should go over Saturday night, because Momo would be out there, too. And I was like “I don’t really want to get that clingy girlfriend and follow him around when he’s out with friends…” Oh well, I went back home and Momo texted me drunk. He then said that I should get out of the house more and I was like “I haven’t been home in 2 days.. what’s the deal?” and he said that I should make it 3 and join them tonight at the party. So I was like “just tell me that you want to see me again!” I only wanted to tease him and didn’t really expect his answer “well.. yes I actually do”. So yes. I told him to tell me again today when he’s sober that he wants to see me again and then I’ll go.

He hasn’t texted me yet, so I am not sure whether I’ll go yet. But we’ll see. Also I said that schoolmate F and him did plan all this, because I slept with him because I was quite tipsy and he was like “yeah we did”. And then yesterday I said that they only want to get me drunk again tonight and he was like “yes we do!”. What the hell boy(s)?! 🙂

So yes I am very confused and do not know how he feels, if he’s serious about us or if it’s just having sex with me.. but we’ll see. I gotta find out while meeting him, don’t I? And I do need to get to know him better, but I just can’t wrap my head around him just wanting sex. I probably will end up real hurt if he does, but well… that’s the odds. I just gotta play along for once.