crying

optimism.

After last post, I figured I had to let you know that I am still very much alive. I cried myself to sleep that night, but it did me well. (Although I still haven’t heard from him ever since)

I don’t know where the tears came from, but it was freeing. You know how people tell you that crying is freeing? It really is. I haven’t cried in so long, that I was wondering what was wrong with me. I’m not a huge crier at all, don’t get me wrong. But the sadness I had felt over the last couple of weeks was bound to make me cry, but I never did cry. I felt the tears in my mind, but not in my eyes. Since that night I’ve been waking up with tear stains down my face in the morning, not remembering that I cried… so there’s that.

However. Ever since that crying disaster, I have been feeling a lot better. I am not sure for what reason. Probably for the lack of time thinking about him. Maybe because I have continued that letter I am sending to him (and yes I decided to send it. One last try to make this work). Some part probably is, because writing that letter made me have some (last) hope. I had been daydreaming about him finally understanding what this was all about. And getting a last conversation to make it all clear to him and working through this. Together. Another part probably is, having finally understood, that there is nothing to be sad about. If he doesn’t want to be with me and fight through this, he is not worth my sadness over him. I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be too much work for him to fight for me (for the little outcome he gets). Yet there still is that tiny sparkle of hope left. But we’ll see, I guess. I’ve had the longest time to accept this, maybe I finally did.

Either way, things will move forward – one way or the other. And I need to accept this and be happy. Either with or without him.

I’m sure once this is all gone for good. Like, once he’s back home (which by the way is in a week) and does not reply to my letters or doesn’t want to work through this, the sadness will return. But then the healing can start, because there’s nothing left to do. I’ve done all I possibly can.
My friend told me yesterday that I’ve done way too much to save this relationship. And I know that I have. But I do not want to have to ask myself in the future, why I hadn’t tried everything to save this relationship. Maybe once he’s back, I don’t even want this anymore. Who really knows? My emotions have been all over the place for the last 5 weeks. What else is bound to happen to me? Seriously though. Alan has showed me love again, when I had lost all hope of ever getting that feeling again. We’ve had a wonderful 2 months and I will forever treasure those moments in me. So there’s nothing lost. I’d had a good time with him. If it’s not meant to be, so be it. I have found my purpose in life over the last 5 weeks, which is accepting that I cannot rely my life on finding a man and create a family. I have found that purpose in my work. Helping others. That’s all I can do for now. Everything else I will figure out whilst on the way.

sadness overload.

All of a sudden these last few days, emotions have bubbled up in me. Whilst anger was the most obvious over the course of the last couple of weeks, a deep sadness has overcome me ever since I stopped working last Thursday. I was able to keep it at bay by working on my school stuff. However today it got to me. Big time.

It’s not a sadness I’ve felt before, about being single and apparently not being able to hold up a relationship. Or seeing everyone happy around me, dating or being in long-term-relationships (which of course is not helping out at all right now). But the sadness of losing a part of myself. I don’t know where all these tears have come from as I haven’t cried in probably 2-3 weeks about this breakup. But now I can’t hold them back anymore. I haven’t cried for so long, and now they’re overflowing. All of a sudden. I didn’t even particularly think about Alan, when a sadness has started to form from my stomach upwards. And now I’m sitting here in bed, tears spilling on my tshirt.

Maybe it’s part of the realisation. Knowing that he will fly away for 3 weeks tomorrow and doesn’t even have the nerve to tell me what he thought about the letter. Not one word was said ever since I sent him the package. It just hurts so much to once more have provided trust in someone that obviously has not deserved it.

I’m just so hurt.

surprising Kenny. Again.

I have been feeling very apathetic all day long since that text message of Kenny. I didn’t feel like my normal self anymore. I wasn’t particularly sad, but something in me changed. I think I gave up on my hope to ever find someone who would treat me the way I deserve – and I know that is partly my own fault. Anyway, back to the beginning of the story.

After what Kenny told me yesterday, I was beyond mad. How could he be so heartless – because I knew he must have noticed that I was having a crush on him – and just plain out tell me that he just wanted me for sex?! I was devastated. I can’t tell when I last was so mad at someone.
But how did the story continue, you might ask…

Me: You said that you didn’t have expectations, I never did.
Him: So what expectations do you have then?
Me: Kenny, just leave it be. I told you everything was okay and I know that it’s my own fault. I’ll do okay.

He didn’t reply anymore. This happened around 10pm yesterday and I was beyond mad when I didn’t get a message till today. I was angry and disappointed. Just one more proof that I am not in the slightest important to him.
I’m not usually one to let my feelings out on someone like that, but I needed to get it out, so at 9am I sent him the following text:
“See that’s exactly what I cannot understand. How is someone ‘important’ to you, when you can’t even reply? I didn’t blame you or anything alike, but yet you just make me realise that you do not like me at all, you just couldn’t tell me that you wanted to use me just – and I mean JUST – for sex. I am disappointed and sad that you just said these things to get into my pants, I’m not sad because I knew I was talking myself into this. But I thought after 15 years we could be honest with each other and not lie. Whatever, I’m gonna get used to it again. Have a nice day :-* ”

Now. I know this was a huge blast, and as I said it’s so not me. Fun thing? It didn’t even take him 5 minutes to reply (so much to he was busy):
Heeey take it easy… I fell asleep yesterday and was busy at work today.. I definitely didn’t just want to have sex with you and still don’t. If I would have wanted that, I would have long gotten it! I don’t want to take advantage of you either, because you don’t deserve that! I just want to stay in contact with you and if there’s a chance, I would really like to see you again, but without any intentions… :-*

Like. What the fuck did I just read? I do not understand how this matches to what he said to me yesterday (“We clarified that it was just fun in the beginning!“)? This tells a completely different story. Or is it just me? I really don’t understand anymore.

And I’m gonna be completely honest. At first my heart got all excited again and I wanted to let him right back in. But then I realised that this is just what it is. He wants to be friends. Maybe he wants to be friends with benefits some day. Maybe he doesn’t even know himself what he wants. Who knows?
I do not have a clue what he actually wants, if he’s playing a game, if he’s unsure or whatever is going on in that wicked head of his… but there is never going to come a relationship out of this, and I need to realise this. It’s okay. Although it has put me right back into depression, which really sucks, but I can get through. Maybe we can go back to normal after the weekend, who  knows really? I’m not gonna put much effort into that friendship though, because if he wants me in his life, he needs to prove.

 

loser.

I’m not even gonna try and keep my shit together. Telling you guys I wasn’t stupid and whatever reason I could find to not blame myself. To be angry at him. But now, I know that it was all my own fault. I can’t even reread the post I wrote yesterday, knowing quite well how hopeful I felt towards a future. One where Kenny would be involved. Somehow.

I went out drinking with my classmates after school finished at 2pm. I was pretty tipsy by 4pm, texting back and forth with Kenny. He was asking when we would see each other and I just said that I was off every day so he should say. He just said “unless it’s not Saturday or Sunday, I’m okay!”. To which my happy drunken self asked what he was up to that weekend. Now the thing is, I knew. I knew quite well what he was up to, but I guess deep down I just needed to hear it from him to finally let go of him. To not keep that image from my head up, not taking any place in my heart. To finally realise what I was trying to push away. I needed to get my heart broken. Again.

Well honey, you know that I actually am taken.

Even my drunken self didn’t know what to reply, so he just got an “Ah okay.” whilst deep down my world shattered and I had to keep up my happy bubbly me up whilst being surrounded by some other drunk friends. He was just like “you knew that…”
Yeah dude, I fuckin knew and yet decided to ignore it. I ignored it because you kept flirting with me, telling me things I would only say when emotions are involved. But you just fucking don’t. You told me you liked me. You just showed how much you missed kissing me. Was it actually really an act to get me into your bed? I can’t fucking believe it. You just shattered a friendship of 15 years. I thought I could trust you at least a little more. I just.. I hoped, that’s all. I once more put all my hope into something that was never meant to be. And I fucking hate it.

I don’t even blame him. He never said he was gonna leave her. Or that she wasn’t there. Or that they’re off. Or whatever. He didn’t. Yet I decided to fool myself, thinking he was. That he was actually interested. I’m fucking stupid, that’s all I am.
I knew this would happen eventually, so I am devastated how much I have been crying ever since. It hasn’t even been a week. One week. I kissed him 8 days ago and yet I am here crying in my bed, feeling the loneliest I have been in a while. I can’t get myself to cheer up. I just want to bundle up and never wake up again, because this fucking sucks. How am I supposed to not be fucking angry at myself when I clearly knew what he was doing all along. I knew and I even wrote it down on here so I would just accept it. But I didn’t.

I’m a fucking looser.

 

the aftermath for myself. | tears.

I am struggling a lot more than I thought I would. It’s okay as long as I am busy – as always. Normal behaviour.

I went out with Mr. Cucu yesterday. I hadn’t seen him for 3 months – we last seen each other shortly before I met Stan and then Stan didn’t allow me to go out with him. I realised how much I missed Mr. Cucu when I saw him yesterday. Just being able to sit next to each other, no need to talk and yet being so close. No awkward silence like with Stan. I love this guy – in a platonic way, do not worry. I didn’t miss my friends too much in these 3 months – or so I thought – because I always had people to talk to at work. I had colleagues my age, I could talk to. So I didn’t really miss out on the gossip and everything else. But I realised this when I got back to my friends now.

By the way. A friend asked me if Mr. Cucu is going to be my next boyfriend and I said I am not going to have a boyfriend for a looong long time, yet I do miss a boyfriend already like crazy. I miss being cuddled and kissed, I miss the text messages I receive all day long.. I miss being loved. I miss the sneaky kisses or the looks you share. I miss meeting family and spending time with the little ones. I just miss Stan, to be honest. I don’t want to share this with anyone else right now.

I remembered all the good times I had with Mr. Cucu on holidays and started to get a very awful remorse. I had postponed every date we had for 3 entire months. Who even does that to his best friend? I’m such a bad friend.
However. We went to the movies to watch Inside Out. We both had expected this to be quite a funny movie. I don’t know whether it’s really been the movie or just the state of mind I’m currently in, but I had tears in my eyes several times thinking about Stan. Being sad. I found this movie sad. Was it only me?… I guess so.
I do miss him terribly, I am not going to lie to myself again. I am at the edge of tears a lot, although I know think that he is not the right one for me.

But…

Unlike what I said yesterday, his last message started to hurt me a lot over the last 48 hours. The more I thought about it, the more it hurt to know that he was thinking about me like that. That he really hated me, and that he thinks I’m worthless. I have tried to do all the right things for 3 months, I showed him feelings I didn’t even know I had and gave him my everything and yet he claims me to be worthless. That I did so much wrong. I know he said it to hurt me, and that I reacted the opposite because I knew of that. But my brain is wicked and I started to believe him. I woke up several times last night, first of all thinking about him. What he was doing or how he is. Whether he is in tears as well or if he really is not hurt at all. I do not know, and I know I should not text him. So far I haven’t. I know there’s no reason to do so, he has finished this in a cruel way and there’s no reason for me to ask for an explanation. I will not get one.

What I struggle with the most, is not to justify myself. I have never let myself be treated like this – and I did it for 3 months. Even when my boss did me wrong, I would justify myself and tell him how I thought about it. Not doing this for his last message took me a lot of strength and willpower, because I know how wrong he is. But it won’t change anything if I did. If he thinks like this about me, then he really did not know me at all. And if he really does think this of me, then it’s better we broke up – or I would have never been enough or given enough to him.
Now I try to remember all the good things he’s said to me. The times when he told me how big of a heart I have, and that he has never fallen so deeply in love like he did with me. What a wonderful woman I am and that he wants to have a family with me. He once said that if we broke up, he would want a girl just like me- just one that doesn’t need as much alone-time as me, else I was perfect for him.
But then the doubts arise and I remember how many times he lied to me and I never could take apart which one was a lie and which one was the truth. Maybe he always thought I was worthless? Maybe he didn’t. I will never know. And knowing that he will not ever talk to me again, probably hurts the most of all. I did say to my mom that this is the hardest part for me. Knowing I can never find real closure when not talking about what went wrong or how he really thinks about me, once we have gotten over this relationship. Because that’s what I always needed and did with every ex-boyfriend. I want to know what he really thinks of me, and if there would have been a chance. But I will never know.

I’m in tears again, and I don’t even think he is worth it right now. Not for the way he treated me. But yet, here I am, crying once more… not even wanting to get over him. This sucks. Big time.

The final decision | he did it.

He broke up with me yesterday.
I may write a post later on in the day about how and why, if I can get up the strength or courage to do so. Right now I can’t.
I am shattered, not because I didn’t expect it, but because he did it when I asked for help, when I needed him the most. And I can’t even cry anymore. I cry red tears, which is just depressing, considering the fact I had once stopped with this bullshit.

what are words…?

What are words when you don’t really mean them when you say them? What are words if they are only for good times, then they’re done?

I am struggling hugely with the current situation. I’m glad I was at work today, as I would have been home alone all day long. But I have been home since 5pm, I went straight to bed and am currently typing this out at 7.30pm crying since probably 30 minutes because I miss Stan so much. I can’t remember myself crying this last week, because of the numbness. But now that he’s back and still as far away as he ever could be, it hurts just so much more. I am listening to the song above on repeat and it makes my heart shatter a little more each time.

You guys know that I gave Stan a letter. Stan returned home yesterday. I was at a party for work and didn’t turn on my phone because I was freaking out about how he’d react to the letter. I couldn’t put my finger on whether he’d be glad or angry. He texted me around 10pm “Thank you so much for your letter. Please text me when you’re home? But what I really would like to know: how exactly did you hurt me? Sure I also want to talk about all the other things, but I could text you the longest text but I think it’s better to explain in person”
I’m not sure why, but I was relieved reading this. I thought that things would work out. It seemed to me that he finally understood what I was on about. I had gained some hope back. I replied to his text when I was home, saying that I was home (around 11pm) and “I’m not sure how exactly I hurt you. Probably by not exactly running after you. I don’t really know to be honest, I just know that I did.”

… And I have not ever received another message again.

So where did I go wrong? I do not know. I do not know why he is mad again. I don’t know why he shuts me out again. I did tell him I would be free for him after work. So why is he ignoring me now? Why does he not want to be in my life anymore? It hurts so freaking much and it drives me crazy to be home alone in this situation. I miss him so much. Today at work I suddenly thought about how good it will feel to take him in my arms again. To be hugged and be near him. Be around him. Have him with me again. I forgot about all the bad things, I just wanted to be close to him. But now I feel like I have hugged him for the last time last Sunday and this thought drives me crazy. Maybe I will not see him again, although driving by his work each day. So close, yet so far away. It just hurts. So fucking much.
Finally the feelings I used to have after the breakup with Momo are showing up now. I wish they didn’t, because I can’t handle them.

Having met him was like a dream to me. I would have never thought I might find someone so close to my Mr. Perfect on a platform like Badoo. I never thought I would fall for him when I texted him, yet I fell for him pretty quickly once I met him. I finally am remembering the good times we had and that makes it so much harder to think about him. It makes me sad, because we have been so happy and I do not know what happened. What happened with us? Why did we get to the point we did? Why is he not talking to me anymore? Why is he erasing me from his life, just like that?
It’s hard to have met someone you could imagine your future with. That I had found the one thing I had hoped to find all my life, I once held in hands. But life seems to be cruel and things are not working out like they’re supposed to when it comes down to love. Boy, do I miss you! I know I need to let you go, I just wish I didn’t have to. I wish you didn’t want me to do this. But it seems like all I have left to hang onto is your plush bunny and our memories we shared. And I will forever treasure them, honey. I wish you’d understand just how much I love you. I really wish you did.

What are words when you don’t really mean them when you say them? What are words if they are only for good times, then they’re done?