tears

optimism.

After last post, I figured I had to let you know that I am still very much alive. I cried myself to sleep that night, but it did me well. (Although I still haven’t heard from him ever since)

I don’t know where the tears came from, but it was freeing. You know how people tell you that crying is freeing? It really is. I haven’t cried in so long, that I was wondering what was wrong with me. I’m not a huge crier at all, don’t get me wrong. But the sadness I had felt over the last couple of weeks was bound to make me cry, but I never did cry. I felt the tears in my mind, but not in my eyes. Since that night I’ve been waking up with tear stains down my face in the morning, not remembering that I cried… so there’s that.

However. Ever since that crying disaster, I have been feeling a lot better. I am not sure for what reason. Probably for the lack of time thinking about him. Maybe because I have continued that letter I am sending to him (and yes I decided to send it. One last try to make this work). Some part probably is, because writing that letter made me have some (last) hope. I had been daydreaming about him finally understanding what this was all about. And getting a last conversation to make it all clear to him and working through this. Together. Another part probably is, having finally understood, that there is nothing to be sad about. If he doesn’t want to be with me and fight through this, he is not worth my sadness over him. I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be too much work for him to fight for me (for the little outcome he gets). Yet there still is that tiny sparkle of hope left. But we’ll see, I guess. I’ve had the longest time to accept this, maybe I finally did.

Either way, things will move forward – one way or the other. And I need to accept this and be happy. Either with or without him.

I’m sure once this is all gone for good. Like, once he’s back home (which by the way is in a week) and does not reply to my letters or doesn’t want to work through this, the sadness will return. But then the healing can start, because there’s nothing left to do. I’ve done all I possibly can.
My friend told me yesterday that I’ve done way too much to save this relationship. And I know that I have. But I do not want to have to ask myself in the future, why I hadn’t tried everything to save this relationship. Maybe once he’s back, I don’t even want this anymore. Who really knows? My emotions have been all over the place for the last 5 weeks. What else is bound to happen to me? Seriously though. Alan has showed me love again, when I had lost all hope of ever getting that feeling again. We’ve had a wonderful 2 months and I will forever treasure those moments in me. So there’s nothing lost. I’d had a good time with him. If it’s not meant to be, so be it. I have found my purpose in life over the last 5 weeks, which is accepting that I cannot rely my life on finding a man and create a family. I have found that purpose in my work. Helping others. That’s all I can do for now. Everything else I will figure out whilst on the way.

the aftermath for myself. | tears.

I am struggling a lot more than I thought I would. It’s okay as long as I am busy – as always. Normal behaviour.

I went out with Mr. Cucu yesterday. I hadn’t seen him for 3 months – we last seen each other shortly before I met Stan and then Stan didn’t allow me to go out with him. I realised how much I missed Mr. Cucu when I saw him yesterday. Just being able to sit next to each other, no need to talk and yet being so close. No awkward silence like with Stan. I love this guy – in a platonic way, do not worry. I didn’t miss my friends too much in these 3 months – or so I thought – because I always had people to talk to at work. I had colleagues my age, I could talk to. So I didn’t really miss out on the gossip and everything else. But I realised this when I got back to my friends now.

By the way. A friend asked me if Mr. Cucu is going to be my next boyfriend and I said I am not going to have a boyfriend for a looong long time, yet I do miss a boyfriend already like crazy. I miss being cuddled and kissed, I miss the text messages I receive all day long.. I miss being loved. I miss the sneaky kisses or the looks you share. I miss meeting family and spending time with the little ones. I just miss Stan, to be honest. I don’t want to share this with anyone else right now.

I remembered all the good times I had with Mr. Cucu on holidays and started to get a very awful remorse. I had postponed every date we had for 3 entire months. Who even does that to his best friend? I’m such a bad friend.
However. We went to the movies to watch Inside Out. We both had expected this to be quite a funny movie. I don’t know whether it’s really been the movie or just the state of mind I’m currently in, but I had tears in my eyes several times thinking about Stan. Being sad. I found this movie sad. Was it only me?… I guess so.
I do miss him terribly, I am not going to lie to myself again. I am at the edge of tears a lot, although I know think that he is not the right one for me.

But…

Unlike what I said yesterday, his last message started to hurt me a lot over the last 48 hours. The more I thought about it, the more it hurt to know that he was thinking about me like that. That he really hated me, and that he thinks I’m worthless. I have tried to do all the right things for 3 months, I showed him feelings I didn’t even know I had and gave him my everything and yet he claims me to be worthless. That I did so much wrong. I know he said it to hurt me, and that I reacted the opposite because I knew of that. But my brain is wicked and I started to believe him. I woke up several times last night, first of all thinking about him. What he was doing or how he is. Whether he is in tears as well or if he really is not hurt at all. I do not know, and I know I should not text him. So far I haven’t. I know there’s no reason to do so, he has finished this in a cruel way and there’s no reason for me to ask for an explanation. I will not get one.

What I struggle with the most, is not to justify myself. I have never let myself be treated like this – and I did it for 3 months. Even when my boss did me wrong, I would justify myself and tell him how I thought about it. Not doing this for his last message took me a lot of strength and willpower, because I know how wrong he is. But it won’t change anything if I did. If he thinks like this about me, then he really did not know me at all. And if he really does think this of me, then it’s better we broke up – or I would have never been enough or given enough to him.
Now I try to remember all the good things he’s said to me. The times when he told me how big of a heart I have, and that he has never fallen so deeply in love like he did with me. What a wonderful woman I am and that he wants to have a family with me. He once said that if we broke up, he would want a girl just like me- just one that doesn’t need as much alone-time as me, else I was perfect for him.
But then the doubts arise and I remember how many times he lied to me and I never could take apart which one was a lie and which one was the truth. Maybe he always thought I was worthless? Maybe he didn’t. I will never know. And knowing that he will not ever talk to me again, probably hurts the most of all. I did say to my mom that this is the hardest part for me. Knowing I can never find real closure when not talking about what went wrong or how he really thinks about me, once we have gotten over this relationship. Because that’s what I always needed and did with every ex-boyfriend. I want to know what he really thinks of me, and if there would have been a chance. But I will never know.

I’m in tears again, and I don’t even think he is worth it right now. Not for the way he treated me. But yet, here I am, crying once more… not even wanting to get over him. This sucks. Big time.

Numb.

He broke up with me.
Or maybe I did. I’m not really sure. And I don’t know what to think. When he went away I just sat there, waiting for him to regret and return. I sat in silence for 15 minutes, watched him actually drive away. Felt… nothing. Well I felt numb and empty.

I know I’m at the edge of tears. I just kept telling myself that it was the right thing to do. But is it really? How do I always miss him when he’s gone? I really want to text him saying sorry and that I want this. But do I really?

I had invited him for a stayover at my gran’s place in the mountains for my birthday the other day. He said he didn’t want to. I did not understand as he has been begging to fall asleep with me for the longest time and now that I offered he declined. I texted him today saying that I didn’t understand.
He doesn’t even know if it’s my birthday today or tomorrow. (He wouldn’t have known at all if I hadn’t told him. (It’s tomorrow.)) He said to me “think about whether you still want to go there with me”. I said I won’t go or maybe by myself, and he said “if we don’t go there, we’ll be done”. I said we could go another weekend. He said no, that he’s done with us if it’s not this weekend. I didn’t reply. He then said “if we don’t, I wish you all the best” and I said “same to you…”

He then walked away.

the real breakup.

We ended things yesterday. Now I feel worse than ever. My head knows it’s for the best, yet my heart still longs for him.

Lots can happen in a week I guess. When I’m rereading my last post, this doesn’t come as such a surprise, but it still feels like it. After Momo has started recovering from all the bash from me, he went to see a psychologist. I was super proud of him, until I got to know that she’s not helping him at all. Add into that, that he didn’t seem like going a second time. So no progress after all.

I still felt some changes so I asked him to join me on Saturday (yesterday). I dreaded the day, unlike him who told me how much he is looking forward to it. He texted me a few days back a real cute message and it made my heart melt, but it also made me dread the day even more, because I knew I couldn’t give him what he wanted.
The dreading was mainly because I knew it would be the last date we’d have and he hoped for things to return to normal. We went to the cinema and everything was okay. No holding hands, nothing. When we were back at his house he simply asked “what now?” And I said “nothing at all, I guess”. An hour long conversation followed with lots of tears and hurts. I told him everything that was on my mind about the future and how I cannot live with his style of living. I told him that I would need reassurance that he’s gonna change to give it another try, and of course he can’t give me that – but I knew that. So lots of tears later, a kiss from me (which probably made things worse, but I wanted to kiss him one last time) and lots of hugs, we said our final goodbyes.
We both are struggling with the decision a lot, but I know that it was the right decision to end things. It was no kind of living to be between the chairs and not know what to look for. Whilst it would have worked out for him, I would have lost things I did not want to lose. I want a family and security for life, and he can’t give me that right now.

We texted a bit after I returned home and I told him that I’m still hoping and probably will for a while. But if life wants us to be together, we will find a way in a couple of years, when he’s ready for the relationship I need. Right now he can’t give me what I want, and he knows it. My head knows I made the right decision, and still it hurts my heart. Again lots of tears, after I was getting so much better and even my mother said I took several steps back again. But I know that things will get better again. Life will go on, even without him as my boyfriend. We decided to stay in contact, as much as feels right for him. And if in – say – 2 years we’re still both single, things will work out by itself. No pressure, no getting hopes up.

It’s just hard to finally let go. And I am going to see my psychologist again on Friday to make me feel better. To learn how to let go and stuff. I hope she can actually help. I just gotta tell myself each day that it’ll get easier with time.

big news!

No, I am not pregnant, as most of you might have guessed already. Today I broke up with Momo. Finally.

No I do not feel as good as I might sound right now, but it was the right decision to make. I actually wanted to wait until Monday, because we’re going to a concert then. But I thought it might be awkward to wait and then just make it all bad. So I asked him today to meet up earlier and in the end we wended up phoning, because I felt so pressured to finally end it. I was the one crying lots, he didn’t – which surprised me actually – but he finally realised what I was talking about all that time. He also said that he agrees, that our life styles do not match right now. It all hurt so much, that he finally understood and we couldn’t really say goodbye, so I suggested a “see you later”. We also agreed on still going to the concert, although it’s going to be weird. As of right now, I feel good to see him again. But I also know that it might be the wrong decision.

I feel very up-and-down right now. One second I’m so glad we finally talked and ended things. On the other hand I don’t want him to find another girl or leave my side at all. I miss his hugs and kisses, I miss him being around. But my head knows that things wouldn’t work out right now, so we’re giving ourself the time to get our hands back on life and maybe.. maybe next year start from the beginning. We’re both not putting too much effort into it or getting our hopes up, but we’re leaving the option open.

So that’s all. Lots of headaches, tears today. Hope to feel better soon, though 😦