dating experiences (past).

closure with P and J.

Just for some closure about the other guys I’ve already moved to “past dating experiences” – if you haven’t noticed yet:

After I had given P yet another chance to make things up a couple of weeks ago, I haven’t heard from him since that day either. I did not reach out again and I don’t plan to either. I also decided last week that I would not take him to the dinner I had originally invited him to, and I’m not going to tell him that I’m taking Scott either. I asked Scott if he would care to join and he was right ahead “YES”. It was so different to when I asked P that I knew it was the right decision to switch partners. It took me like 3 hours to get a definite answer from P, when I got one within seconds from Scott without even mentioning any details to him. And he right away asked our boss to have a day off that day. In that moment I knew P was past and will stay there. Finally. I deleted all the screenshot from the last year and will eventually get rid of his pictures, too.

Jeremy isn’t that easy to “get rid” of though. I’m not sure how to tell him that things have changed out of the blue. I did not lie to him whilst we were dating, but the insecurity about whether we match, should have been reason enough to let things be. Plus even over the course of these couple of weeks I had been dating him, I never even thought about forgetting P or at least leaving the option open to date him again. I also knew from the moment he didn’t care about my well-being when I was sad, that things wouldn’t work out. So it’s not really out of the blue at all. But with how I guess he is like, he won’t have yet understood where we’re at.
And even though I haven’t seen Jeremy in 3 weeks, he keeps sending me pictures and videos every day. Most of which I don’t even respond to anymore, so I’m not sure how long it’ll take him to get the hint. If he doesn’t, I will have to talk to him eventually. I’m just scared he will turn up at work one day with Scott being there. That would be so awkward. On the other hand, it’s not like I cheated on either one of them. I stopped things with Jeremy before I even realised what was going on with Scott.

So yes. Definitely forgetting about these other guys and concentrating on Scott. I just wanted you guys to know what was going on and why I found the closure I needed after such a long time – at least with P. Hell it took me almost a year!

 

 

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giving up

Haven’t been on here for a while… so here’s an update:

I’m questioning most of my choices right now, because I’ve been really upset today about something that happened at work. It’s usually the time I text people I haven’t talked to in a while, so to get “more upset” than I already am – because I’m pretty sure they’ll hurt me further… if that makes any sense. So I texted not only P, but also Kenny this morning.

And I find myself yet again in a situation with Kenny. For some reason we always start up texting again when one or the other needs help. He got really grumpy around midday and I just said “I didn’t do anything” and he said “I’m really sorry, don’t take it personal. I just got bad news”… and he told me that his father has cancer. Like, he got the message today. And I texted him this morning. How is that for fate?

As I said I also texted P. I just sent him a thinking-emoji and he sent one back, which indicated him feeling remorse (my interpretation). I then said “I guess it’s done”. Him “why?”, me: “no answer is an answer as well.. and that Thursday is now 3 weeks ago”.. then he didn’t answer for the longest time and I did not expect him to. I got a “it’s only been 2 weeks” – which actually is true. But he hasn’t texted me for 3, so whatever. And I said with all the sarcasm I got “oh, then that’s okay…”
I just don’t understand how he can be surprised about me being mad, when he hasn’t showed any sign that he’s alive in 3 weeks and not act like what has happened. I’m just done with this whole story. I’m just questioning my choices over the past year. Like sticking with P for so long, even though he gives me absolutely no reason to do so. And I still compare every guy I meet with him, although he gives me no reason to show that he’s a good guy, like my gut always tells me. Then my choice to sleep with Kenny, and still aching for it to repeat. Like I miss the sexual tension we’ve had. And I would jump at him, if there was the opportunity.

And then there’s Jeremy. We’ve met up like 5 times last week (and he even hugged me on our last date!), but now I haven’t seen him in a week. Because I stopped asking him to meet up. I wanted him to ask me directly. He does leave vague comments, but never asks directly. And I want him to do that. And here we are, not meeting for 7 days.
Plus I was in a really bad mood last weekend, and he didn’t really react to anything. Yesterday I had a really bad day at work and was really sad and told him so. But he didn’t do anything about it. He didn’t ask and just said to suck it up, because it’s my job to deal with death. And I just couldn’t be bothered to put up with that shit. I let it go for then, but talked about it again in the evening and told him to care for me when I tell him I’m sad. Like giving me a hug or something. And then he just sent that emoji that lifts its shoulders. I guess it shows how much he cares.

And I’m just done with people not being able to deal with my sadness. It’s like with Alan. Everything was perfect as long as I was my happy bubbly self. But as soon as depression shows up, they leave without any notice. And I’m pretty sure that Jeremy wouldn’t be able to put up with me in my depressive state. But then again, maybe I’m doing him wrong, because all of this just happened over texting. But then also we had been talking about my father in person, and he never asked why our relationship was bad or whatever. It was always about partying, alcohol, the accident. You know, no personal things discussed?! And that’s why I’m left feeling like this is no match.

And I’m just done. Done with this whole dating/relationship bullshit. No luck this past year and I’m done.

 

emotions mixed up

My feelings are all over the place and I do not like this.

I haven’t even updated you, but I did end up seeing J on Monday after work. I was quite nervous before we met up, but was very glad he didn’t want to meet me at the hospital. We talked for ages… it was nice, like a catch up with an old friend. We also talked a lot about the car accident which has helped both of us I think. At around 10pm I went home, so we spent a good 6 hours together, just talking. Nothing happened, not even a try. Well, he said hi with a kiss on my cheek, and the longer the evening, the more we got closer. Touching whilst laughing and stuff like that. But he did not try to hold my hand or kiss me whatsoever.
We met up again yesterday, since I was off work and he’s still on sick leave until next week. Once more we talked for 3 hours before he went home. Nothing happened.
And we met up again today spontaneously. Well I had asked him to meet up and watch the ice hockey game together, but he is busy. But then he let me know he was free for a couple of hours after I finish work, so we met up and talked again for 3 hours. Nothing happened. Well he did touch my feet and did go in for a hug after he kissed my cheek, but then didn’t.

Here’s the thing. It’s not like I don’t take first steps, although I usually don’t. But I’m not sure if I even want to kiss him. When I was driving home today, I thought about P. I realised that I still miss him and want to see him. I long for his touch, not J’s. And this upsets me. P hasn’t texted me in over a week, never cancelled our date, which should have taken place yesterday. It just sucks. I wish I could put the attention J gives me into P and it would be perfect. I told my friends and they all said I should give J a chance, he seems very nice and forthcoming. And he is. He is such a nice person, and he treats me very well and I know he has a crush on me. He’s making compliments all the time… but I’m just not sure whether I can evolve emotions. And today for the first time I realised, that maybe I just WANT to fall in love, so to forget about P. You know? And I can’t force myself into feeling something. But I will just continue seeing J and maybe something will come of it… maybe it won’t.

when something bad turns into something good

Longest title ever! But it’s so accurate.

As I’ve briefly mentioned in my last post, my last weekend has been rough. I’ve witnessed my first resuscitation at work, we had crazy ass shifts and on Sunday whilst I was driving to work I saw a car crash and did first aid.
It was my first thing ever that happened and I was glad for what I’ve learnt in the last 3 years in my studies. I was able to somewhat help.

But I’m not going into detail what happened (just imagine a motorcycle driving into a car). There were 3 guys involved and injured in that crash. I didn’t see the actual accident but got out of the car pretty fast when I saw the car. I asked the guys that were sitting on the floor which one the motorcyclist was, because I knew he would be the one in the worst condition. When I saw that 2 people were there already (one of them a doctor), I went back to park my car. Then I went back again to the ones sitting on the floor. I asked Jeremy if he was hurt and he told me that his chest hurt and his left shoulder. I quickly ran through some diagnosis in my head and made the .decision that it was okay to leave him be for the moment (his friend was there to watch) and helped the motorcyclist. Once he was gone with a helicopter I returned to him. The ambulance was there by then and I simply worked what they asked me for.
Fast forward to me being at work, and I received the message that one of the ones of the car were being transferred to the ICU where I work. It was Jeremy (he wasn’t the driver). We had a blast that evening, although his condition was worse than I first thought. But nothing life threatening. When I wanted to say goodbye before I left he was already asleep and I didn’t want to wake him up (well the night shift then woke him up and I quickly waved goodbye). The next day when I returned he was already transferred to a normal unit and I felt weird to go visit and I didn’t have lots of time anyway.

I did have quick glimpses in his medical record to see whether he was still here, but I never found time to actually visit him. So on Wednesday night I searched him on facebook (I knew all the facts from his stay on our unit) and messaged him, asking how he was. He then replied the next morning that he had actually wanted to search for me as well and said thanks.
Long story short: we’ve been messaging back and forth ever since. He asked me out for a coffee that same day and I figured why not. Well, actually the first two times he asked, I talked it down but then I said yes. He’s 14 years older, but he looks as old as I am. And it didn’t feel like such a huge age gap when we talked. So I will see him this Monday and I am very eager to see where this is leading.


Yes I am feeling guilty. I am afraid of what will happen. J is very flirty with me, and I’m not gonna lie: I like it a lot. His attention and how many times he lets me know that he’s looking forward to it and just his interest over all. It’s refreshing compared to how things have been with P. But I am also worried that if things go well, and P decides he wants to see me on Thursday, that I’ll mess things up. Or rather, I’ll have feelings for both of them. But I have no idea whether Jeremy and I will match. We’ve been getting along, but I’ve only known him for a week – compared to P who I’ve known for a year by now…
But I’ll have to take things from day to day. I hope my feelings will lead me to the right decision. But right now I am very anxious about this coming week, but also very happy to see Jeremy. And if P decides not to text me this coming week, well… he’s left the decision to J I guess.

update on the dating situation with P

Oh wow, I really have lacked on updating this blog. I actually wanted to make this about something else, but I need to keep you up to date for all of it to make sense.

So, like I mentioned in that last post, I had called off that date with P after my holidays. He never replied to my long message of me explaining why I was calling it off. I just stated that his behaviour was hurting me and what I expected of him.
2 days later I texted him again (nothing from him), telling him that I miss him and that I would like to explain my behaviour some day if he still wanted to see me. To this he simply sent me a picture of where he was at that time (work related). With no word have we ever talked about what has happened ever since. At some point I didn’t even need it anymore though.
I then asked that week of my return whether we could see each other and he said that he was busy till the end of his holidays (which was the weekend 2 weeks ago).

Then I remembered that I was invited to a dinner with some sort of famous chef and had to tell them a name of someone that will join me. I asked P whether he would like to do so (it’s in August) and he asked me a billion times why I would want to take him. I explained why and he agreed (after saying “are you sure? Who knows if you’ll still know me by then?”).  When he finally said yes, I then jokingly said we will talk again in August then, to which he said “we’ll see each other before then I guess…?!”

But… radio silence followed. 2 weeks ago he received my card. He said thanks and that he didn’t expect it at all. I asked him why and he said “I don’t know,.. because you hate me?”. Which just indicated that he indeed was insecure as well. I’ve told him like 3 times since then that I would like to see him.. like little hints here and there, but he never actually asked.
A week ago I then stated that we will see each other in the next 2 weeks, or I’ll go and get my hair cut (he doesn’t want me to cut my hair, so there’s that). He just asked whether I was drunk (it was Friday night), which is a silly question because he knows I don’t drink whatsoever and I was actually just getting in my car to drive home from work. He then sent me his location, which was pretty close to my work place… but I’m not the kind of person to just go over without being invited, so I went home instead. He didn’t ask me.

I had a pretty rough weekend at work last week and really needed some time off. So last Monday I asked him AGAIN whether he was free this or next weekend to reschedule our plan we’ve had after my holidays. He explained that he indeed was busy both weekend, but he would like to do so another time. He then asked me how I was and whether I was always working. I told him that I was working almost every weekend in May and therefore it would be pretty difficult to find a time (he works a Monday to Friday job). Didn’t get a reply to that and when I reread his message in the evening, I realised that maybe his indication about “always working” was whether I was free during the week as well. So I told him that I had read it into his message and that I indeed was free during the week. To which he then offered Monday or Thursday (this coming week).

This was the last plan on Wednesday. He told me Thursday would work better and we talked about our plans that week. We didn’t settle on either one. So I texted him Thursday evening whether we could set the date. Have not yet received a message ever since (it’s been 3 days by now).

I’m really over this… Just typing this post out made me realise how pathetic I am. Always asking and running after him, when he’s not even putting some effort into this. And I will not ask again. If he tells me till Monday, that’s fine. I’ll meet up with him. If not, it’s his loss. I’m not going to turn my life around just to make time for him when it’s convenient.

Oh well. My life turned upside down last weekend anyway. But this will be in my next post, and will change everything I’ve just written.

same old – replay.

I’m back from holidays and I would like to say that things have been great. But no.
I was feeling so good whilst being abroad, since we had set a date for right after I would return from the holidays. It gave me some kind of security that things wouldn’t go like they did in October when I left and the radio silence began.

Well. I felt secure too quickly. I texted him right when I landed on Saturday night, asking when the date was gonna take place, since we didn’t set a final day. I needed to know since I had to buy groceries, but also so I could make other plans the other day.
Well… same old: he didn’t reply. At first I thought he was just being busy, but then when I got his likes on facebook Sunday morning but still no reply to my text… I knew he was ignoring my message. I didn’t understand why, since there was no pressure. I simply asked what day he was free.
Late Sunday afternoon (so almost a day later) he texted me saying that his family would go over on Monday so he wasn’t free as planned and asked what other day we could meet up. This confused me, since I thought we’d always had set it for Tuesday, but he had to check whether Monday would work as well. I got really mad about all of this behaviour (him not texting me, not going through with his plans since he told me he’d let me know as soon as possible about whether Monday would work) and did let him know by text, that I was pissed off about his late answer and that it makes me feel like I’m not important to him. I then told him to let me know when he was free and we’ll then set a new date.

I got a reply making a silly comment (“mimimi”) and asking whether I was off on Tuesday. I told him yes, but that I had a nightshift I had to attend to by 10pm. He then said “well I’m free till the afternoon”. This once more upset me, because 3 weeks prior (!!!) we had set that date and now he’s made other plans?! He knew I could not meet him any other day of his holidays, so that just showed me once more that he didn’t really care too much to see me. I then told him that we could cancel, if it was inconvenient.

Guess what? Yeah, once more no reply. Which left me with a lot of time to think about all this and I just now sent him a lengthy message and calling the date off.
I’m just done being a spare thing to attend to when it’s convenient for him. I told him that his behaviour seems disrespectful to me and no matter how much I like him and how much I did want to see him tomorrow, that I wasn’t going to let myself be treated like that. I told him that I had held both days free for him, just to being told that he already has other plans although we had talked about it a long while ago. And that makes me feel like this doesn’t mean anything to him. Or that he probably has forgotten about it, which also adds “no importance” to it. Or that I’m overreacting again and am complicated, but that all of this is making me feel like a spare. And since I am flexible and just waiting to see him, you can do that with me. I told him that I always enjoy spending time with him and he’s giving me a good vibe whenever we do meet, but that I can’t ignore everything else until we meet. Like, I do want to feel good and important even when we don’t have a date set. Like him making some time for me without having to squeeze me into his time table every time.

I honestly don’t expect an answer. Or not one that is helpful at all. He probably is super annoyed at me playing up again. It’s the same thing that happened back in September when all of a sudden he wasn’t trying anymore. And I’m not going to play that game again. It’s like with Alan. He didn’t set me a priority and when I asked for it, things gone to shit. I’m not about to go back to that bullshit again. If he’s not willing to give me some priority, we’re done. No matter how good he makes me feel when we do see each other. There so much more to it than just that and he knows that. Plus I told him so now.

I would like to say that I’m not scared of losing him. I’m actually pretty sure this is it – the final breaking point. But I also know that it wouldn’t have worked out like that anyway, so I’m trying to stay positive. I know I’m talking a lot about fate when it comes to P, because it feels that way. Finding back to each other… but maybe it’s just not meant to be either. I just wish he would give me more credits for what I’ve done.

I also just remembered that I sent him a postcard from my holidays, which haven’t yet arrived. So that’s gonna be awkward (told him I was looking forward to seeing him). Oh well, can’t change that now, can I?

going away, what now?!

Things have been slow with P the last few days. But then I have been super busy and so has he – or that’s my guess at least. I told him about my interview at the new place, which means I’d move there next year. He just said congrats when I got the job, not sure how he feels about it – knowing I will move even further away. But we’ll talk about that when we get there.

I’m still pondering about what I should have said about his joke about his father. I really need to talk to him about this at some point, but right now I am too afraid to ruin anything of what he have right now. I don’t want him to be gone, now that I have him back in my life.

We’re talking almost daily. There’s sometimes one day we don’t talk, which is totally fine for me. I have kept myself busy and therefore don’t have too much time to think about anything. Which will be hard on holidays, but whatever.

We have set another date for after my holidays though, which kind of surprised me. But then it was me moving forward – again. I asked him if he would join me to a spa sometime and he asked me when I wanted to go. I knew he was off work the week I’m back from holidays (and will have to work night shifts).. so we set the date for April 3rd. I’m excited and it gives me lots of relief about going abroad. I was so scared to lose him again, but now that I know we’ll see each other shortly after me being back, gives me some peace. So what happened in October won’t repeat itself.

I guess I won’t see him before I leave though, which is a bummer… but fine as well. I tried to get the information out when he was free this weekend (although I have packed my weekend, so I wouldn’t have too much time to think about him), but he never replied to my questions. So that’s fine. I’ll actually try to make the date in April a sleepover, but not sure how to ask. I know he’ll be in, but it’s still weird to ask. I don’t want to be the one to push forward, you know.

So things are looking bright and I am very worried that this bubble of mine will burst soon, since everything is going well in my life right now. Trying to find the balance of being happy but also cautious as not to deep dive into depression, if anything happens.