dating experiences (past).

back from Dubai!

I’m back from holidays. Have been for a while, but since I caught the flu on Tuesday and have been in bed ever since, I wasn’t in the mood to write. Still am not, but gotta update this page on a few things.

I had such a good time in Dubai! I mostly forgot about P and really was happy for the first time in a while without any worries. I needn’t worry whether he had texted or how he meant what he wrote, because I simply couldn’t see if he texted me at all. That took the edge completely off. I needn’t worry about anything.

I did not end up texting him before my flight took off when I left on the 22nd (because I accidentally bumped into Ken at the airport, which is a whole other story in itself *lol*), so we had been on non-contact since 3 days, because he simply didn’t text me anymore. Nothing new here. When I returned last week, I got a few messages of him he sent me on the 23rd (although he knew I’d left the day before). He wished me a nice holiday and “don’t go too wild ^^ like, without me…
I found this funny, just the way he worded that. So when I returned a week later I told him I was back and that I’ve had a nice week. We texted a bit (him mainly telling me that it’s normal to get proposed to down there – which is true). I sent him a picture to which he didn’t say much, so I let him be and went abroad once more (although I had internet there).

Then was my birthday on Tuesday. I didn’t hear from him for 3 days (until I texted him again). I did not expect him to remember my birthday, since I only told him once. It would have been cute, but I wasn’t mad at him for that. Once again the conversation didn’t flow too long.
I texted him AGAIN the day after. We texted a little and I wanted test our ground. I wasn’t able to tell how he was feeling towards us, so I said “so could you stop thinking of me, since I can’t stop sneezing for 3 days…?!” (being playful and all) to which he replied “maybe it’s a guy from your holidays, not me 😅” – now that I read it again, he might not have meant it the way I took it, but I’m not sure.
That definitely wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but was pretty straight forward telling me he was not thinking about me, I guess. I just said “well that has been pretty clear, good night then”. I was pissed. Really pissed. He just asked whether I was tired already and sent that emoji: 🙈. I replied “no”. For me it sounded like he hadn’t been thinking about me, but now a few days later, maybe he suggested it could be someone else apart from him?! I don’t know.
Did not get anything back and knew I would not get anything at all. So I went to sleep.

The next day I texted him again (will I ever learn?). We had a brief conversation. He kept it up. Sent me videos of his fireworks he was doing. We talked about my phobia. He told me I should come along once he does one, so I can face my fears – I didn’t react to it, since I knew he wasn’t serious about it. This time I was the one not to reply to his emojis, there was no need to.
I asked myself whether he was talking like that to all the girls. I really can’t tell and therefore have no idea where I stand.

So, what do I make of this? I don’t know. I have mostly given up on the hope of us working out. I’m glad I could gain some distance whilst being abroad. I have not gotten any sort of affection from him whatsoever since I’ve been back. I was devastated on Thursday, but then I realised that it was okay. I knew beforehand that this would happen. The more distance we put between us, the worse it’ll get. And it’s okay. I will have him as a friend for now and if he ever decides he wants to see me again or take a step forward, then I am very happy to be here. But I can’t just wait on him, and do all the work of keeping the contact. It is a loss of course, I remember how perfect everything felt to me… but if he doesn’t share this opinion, there’s no need to pursue a relationship on my behalf. Maybe the timing was wrong, maybe we simply weren’t meant to be. Or maybe he just needs some more time.
I’ll “move on”. Keep him in my life as a friend for now and see where things are leading.

 

On a whole other level: my exboyfriend turned up again. Nope, not Alan. One that has been long before I started that blog (I had my first real kiss with him when I was 14, so you see). He always remembers my birthday ever since we’ve known each other, which is cute. It’s usually around these times we talk, but then the contact decreases again. For some reason he invited himself over to my place and he’ll be around in 3 weeks. It’s weird, but I’m somewhat excited to see him again (it’s been 6 years since I last seen him).
Also Kenny is back. On my behalf. I had been thinking of him lately and I figured I could just text him (mainly about the sneezing part, because he was the one starting that game). Who knows what all of this will bring – I am not interested in dating, don’t get me wrong. It would feel so bad for me, since my heart still lays with P although I don’t want to. But there’s no harm in getting attention somewhere else, right?

Plus my encounter with Ken. I was waiting with a friend to check in, when someone called my last name. I got really anxious, because I thought I had done something wrong until I looked at the person that called and recognised Ken. He found it very funny that I was so shocked and we had a short banter. It was nice to see him and took off some of the anxiety I had been experiencing (always do on airports).

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date set!

Each time I type up a post these days, I feel like I haven’t talked to you guys in ages, when in reality it has only been 2.5 weeks. I can’t really say lots has happened, but I felt like updating you nevertheless. I actually wanted to let you know yesterday when something happened, but for the one time in forever I left my notebook at school.

So, I haven’t heard from Gohan since we saw each other those 2.5 weeks ago. I don’t really care, I just found it funny… he said before we said goodbye, that he enjoyed talking to me and will try to keep the contact up. Well, we all see how much truth was in these words, so there’s that.

Then there’s a new guy. I’m not sure yet if he deserves a name on here, but we will find out soon enough. Paraplegic.
Yes, he is exactly that. But let me start from the beginning. A few weeks ago I reactivated my Tinder or rather created a new profile. I talked to a lot of guys – I mean a lot! I didn’t create the profile in the hope of finding anyone, but just being able to talk to someone when I’m bored. So.

On August 12th he texted me a simple small talk text and we got into talking. It wasn’t like I was all over him, but he had sparked my interest, especially when he told me about his accident when he broke a vortex and wasn’t able to walk. As many of you may know, I work as a nurse and therefore have been working with these kind of people every now and then. I was not sure if I could bear having a boyfriend in a wheelchair, but soon enough found out that he was able to walk again.
We texted back an forth and the very next day he asked, if we could switch to texting. Which I obviously was all in (I f*ckin hate the Tinder app!). The texting was on and off, some days he would text me or simply not reply to my questions and so on. It made me lose interest in him, although he seemed pretty perfect on paper (he’s good looking, intelligent, searches for the same things in a relationship, wants a family soonish and so on – only down side: yet another guy I have to drive 1.5 hours to), I wasn’t up for a chase or a stupid game like that.

Pretty much in the beginning (still on Tinder) he asked if I was up for meeting. I said that, yes I was, but needed to get to know someone first before I would. A few days later he said something along the lines of “well you don’t want to date, so…” I explained once more that I hadn’t said no. When I then asked for a date, he simply stated that ‘it’s not that easy to get a date’ with him. Oh well, excuse me King. So I didn’t ask again obviously. He has the habit of simply not reacting to an open question, and I couldn’t be bothered to really care at some point.
At some point last week we talked about seeing each other again. I told him I was free this weekend, to which he said “I thought you had to learn?” which I actually had to, but would have canceled. He simply didn’t reply anymore, so that was off. And I told myself not to bother anymore trying to get him to date me. What’s the point?!

Then happened Monday. I was out with my friends, getting drunk. I hadn’t texted him all day for above reason. When I’m drunk, I text everyone. So I messaged him as well. I had taken my final exams on Monday and he predicted what mark I would get (which was pretty high), and I was like “thought I needed some private lessons with you?” (he’s said so a few days prior).  To which he replied, that I could still get them on free terms. I asked him for what topic and he asked where I needed help. I said I would definitely find some topics. Him: “I’m happy about that, else you wouldn’t need me 😉 ” to which I said: I guess you can be used for more things than that. Of course he asked what for and I said “hmm.. discuss, cuddle and having fun?!” (bear in mind, by then I was pretty drunk).
All of a sudden he opened up again and asked if we could see each other during the weeks as well (since he knew I wasn’t available this coming weekend). I really don’t know where this came from, but somehow we have settled for this Thursday evening.

I was very surprised about this. Let me tell you, I’m trying to not get my hopes up, he still has 2 days to cancel OR not turn up at all. But he has been very talkative since, which he hasn’t been before. He also seems a bit flirtatious with me, which is so unusual for him (did tell him so).
I am happy and excited though. The first date in so long (the last real date I remember was with Stan… so that has been a while (2 years or so)). I’ll update you when I know more.

PS: Haven’t heard from Doc in 3 weeks or so

meeting Gohan again

So. That “date” yesterday didn’t turn out how I expected it to. Well, I didn’t expect much, did I? I wanted to leave all options open, although I did think about how I wasn’t allowed to have sex for yet another week because of my surgery. So you can imagine how far my imagination had gone by the time I reread all the old posts about Gohan.

My mind got really messed by the time I met up with him. I was thinking about getting back in a relationship with him, or maybe just having a friendship with benefits. I wondered why things never worked out. I imagined how nice it would be, to have someone this close (in distance)… To sum things up: my mind was flying at around 130mph.

But then, when I saw him at the train station… after the first thing he said, I remembered why we didn’t work out. As mean as this may sound, but I just knew I could never ever be with him, just like I said on all these other posts about him.
We don’t share a lot of common interests and do see life from very different points of view. He talks a lot about himself. He has a lot of issues with his personality and tries to verify them with things that have nothing to do with it. And he’s just weird. There’s nothing wrong with being weird, but he’s so proud of being different… it’s just not what I like in a guy.

I went home at 1am after driving him home, so we spent a good 4 hours talking. Or rather him talking for like 3.5 of them. But with each minute I just felt more and more uncomfortable. At first things were okay, we talked and it was nice to meet someone I haven’t seen in so long. But by 11pm I got really tired and just wanted to be left alone. He didn’t realise. By 12.30am he said we should head home and he was mumbling something about going home and watching some Netflix. I wasn’t sure if he meant for me to join, but I knew I would not go to his house. It ended up being no question, so that was fine for me.

All summed up: it was nice to see him, but that’ll leave me satisfied for a looong time. We haven’t texted since either. He was very touchy and cuddley and kept telling me how “sexless” he was, to which I didn’t say anything. He asked me to give him my jacket or warm him up, which I found so weird that I didn’t reply. He asked why I didn’t reply and I was like “I’m not gonna give you my jacket!” Like, what?! I didn’t feel the need to cuddle him or whatever, although he tried several times. But I guess after a while he realised I would not give him what he wanted.
He also apologised for how he’s treated me after the breakup. He realised that he was very emotionally unavailable and was not reacting how he should have. But I have long gotten over it, so it was no big deal. Sure it was nice to see that he realised he behaved wrong… but you know, it’s been 5 years.

As I said, it was okay. But nothing like I expected. Not exactly in a bad way, but not in a good way either. It did make me want to date again though. But oh well…

guess who showed up?

As you all know by now, whenever I don’t post much, there simply is nothing to talk about. Alan has still vanished from this my world, which is fine for me. Doc is away for a month now and hasn’t texted in a week, which is absolutely fine as well. Have somewhat gotten over the idea anyway.

What is new though: I’m going out with Gohan tonight. I know. I don’t know where this has come from either. I don’t think many remember him. We dated a while back, I guess about 5-7 years but will have to read back on that story. We had sex once and then just stopped seeing each other for whatever reason – I can’t recall.

Well, last week I bumped into him. Not so much physically, because I didn’t actually talk to him because I only realised too late and he didn’t notice me. But I did let him know by text and he said it was a pity I didn’t talk to him, because it would have been fun. To which I replied we could meet up anyway and not only have to see each other whenever we occasionaly bump into each other. I mean we haven’t seen each other on purpose since we dated back in 2012 (I have read back on it now). Last night he asked whether I was free tonight, so yes. I am going out with him.

I have absolutely no idea what to expect. He told me that he has gotten very antisocial and needed some friends to get out of the house. I have been pretty much the same over the last few years (or actually… I have always been like that), so it seemed perfect to me. He understands what I go through. And we have always been on good terms, even after we ‘broke up’.

I don’t expect anything to happen tonight, but I am somewhat curious. Everything is so open and everything could happen. We’re both single, we know each other, we’re weird. I do think we’ll just catch up on these last few years and definitely will have a good talk. But there’s a subtle nervousity in me, because we used to date. And now that I have been reading back on a few posts I wrote about him, a weird feeling has shown itself again. I do not think we’ll kiss or anything, but there has always been a connection between the two of us. We’ll see. I’ll let you know how it went!

On a whole other topic: Ken and I are talking again. He actually texted me this morning, telling me that he’d found a hair from me on his handcuffs. Well, where did that come from? Haha, he has a new girlfriend, so I’m not sure why he is telling me this. I mean it has been 2 years. But whatever. Thanks for the info, I guess. 😀

Dodo is back in my life!

On a whole other subject, but still I want it to be documented on here:

This whole mess with Alan has made me talk to Dodo again. I knew he would be here for me, because he always is and was. No matter how badly I’ve treated him in the past, he never left my side. No matter how much I tried to push him away. He kept his distance, but held my hand if I asked him to. This is what true friendship means. Being able to talk to them at any time, without judgment. And even though we didn’t talk a lot over the last 2 years due to my reaction to his love confession, I knew he would be here for me at any minute.

I texted Dodo after Alan failed to reply to my confession about my depression. I told him that I just didn’t understand, how one could not react to a message like that. And let’s put some things straight here: Dodo didn’t know either. So let’s just compare these two reactions of my boyfriend and a friend;

  • Boyfriend: No reply
  • Friend: “First of all, do I need to be worried about you?! Secondly: I don’t know how one cannot reply to something like that. Of course one can be overwhelmed with that, but even though it’s a difficult subject, just not answering is pretty damn… bullshit. Of course, an answer should be well thought about. But if someone would tell me this, it means she trusts me and I should be able to reply with something.”

And just like that, with one single text he made me feel that much better. Better than my boyfriend probably ever did when it came to problems.
This conversation ended up with a huge rant from my side about my boyfriend. And he just listened and said what he thought. That’s what a friend – even more so a boyfriend – should do. That’s what “being there for someone” means.
And on a little side note: Whilst I was writing all this to Dodo he was at school. And he actually intentionally left the room to be able and be there for me. That’s what friends do. Putting priorities right.

Ever since, Dodo has texted me daily, making sure I am okay. Telling me to look for myself and not for Alan. Make sure that if he drags me any farther down, I need to leave him. He made me see my worth again. Made me realise that it’s not all in my head.

We then talked about some other things and all of a sudden he asked me about my depression (and that was the moment I would have loved to show this conversation to Alan, just to let him know that it was possible. Having a normal conversation, making me feel loved and cherished. Being actually interested in my life).

After we talked all day long, he then told me about his current problems with his “girl” (it’s not his girlfriend) and he told me that he’s just asking himself, why he’s invested so much time in her. To which I said “you probably asked yourself the same thing about me when ‘we broke up’ ” (apart from asking what had happened etc.)
He said “No I actually have never thought bad about you. I just asked myself what would have happened if things went a different way. What if I had reacted in another way than I did”. I told him though that he never did anything wrong (or at least that’s what I had in mind. It just didn’t work out for me).
At that point I had reread what had happened between us 2 years ago, because after everything that has happened with Stan, I totally forgot what the issue was. And I don’t think he could have done anything right or wrong. It just didn’t match for me.

However. I’m just glad to have someone back in my life, that is actually here. Always.

ups and downs.

This is a place where I am completely honest, and I know how much I will love to read back on these posts in a year or so. How messed up my thoughts were, how difficult I make things for myself – when they’re really not.

After my very bad thoughts on Sunday, I didn’t want them to be true. I hesitated about writing that post, but I felt the need to get it out – writing it down makes it so real. But then I talked about it with a friend and she looked at me like I was a crazy woman. She met him that day and told me how well we match and how in love we looked.

Alan came to my place on Wednesday. I was out with some friends and asked if he was okay meeting them beforehand. He didn’t reply, so I simply got him there. He was very quiet, but I was happy for him to meet them. Then he met my mom. Everything went so well. Even my cats liked him, which was a huge relief to me.
We were sitting on the table for 3 hours, those two just talking to each other, so I already knew my mother liked him. Just today she told me that she thought he was so different to Momo, but that she really liked his personality.

When we got into bed, Alan and I had a long talk about our family issues. And the next morning – reviving these moments – my heart almost burst with love and that’s when I knew he is worth the struggles I’m going through. He is not just my boyfriend, but becoming a good friend. He listens, he’s there for me, he understands my situation. And that’s so important to me. Finally having someone, who knows what I am talking about. But after all that he’s went through, he still is so positive (and that’s something so different than what I’m used to).
Also my friend asked me if I have always been nervous before seeing my boyfriend,… and I realised that I have never felt this way. I was nervous before the first date, but anything after that was fine. I still get the butterflies just before I see Alan now – and I have seen him soooo many hours by now. It’s really weird to me.

Yes, I still fear to meet his friends and mom. She does not think very good of me (I think I mentioned that she saw the hickeys and told him that it was very cheap of me – he lied to her about me, said it was a bet with a friend.. but mum’s just know, right?). I really want to get along with her, so I’m under a lot of pressure. There’s no meeting in sight yet, but I know how nervous I will be – and I am sooo awkward when I’m nervous. I’m meeting some of his friends this weekend, so we’ll see how this goes.

I just wanted to say that although things might be edgy at times, I am very happy with him.

PS: Kenny texted me this week about today’s party. Today a year ago I met and kissed him. I told him that I wasn’t planning on going to that party and he asked me why not. So I just told him that I might go over to my boyfriend’s place (which wasn’t the case at all) and he was like “wow that went fast!” and I asked what he meant. Him: “well, just a month ago you hated every man.” I actually laughed out loud, because really?! Me: “that’s because I hadn’t met the right one yet.” Haven’t heard much from him since – apart from that he wished me luck.

the guys are going insane!

So. As I mentioned in my last post, I unfriended Yavin on any social media and deleted his number. It actually felt good, not to have an opportunity to text him and I was – surprisingly – dealing well with the situation.

Then on Thursday night I received a text message from him, saying “the more fool you“. I was really surprised to read again from him, so I was just like “about what?”. Let’s be honest. I knew what he was talking about, but I didn’t think he would be mad about me deleting him off everything. HE didn’t want to talk anymore, so where was the problem?

He didn’t reply again, so I just let out what I was holding back for a while now:

Me: I really don’t know what your problem is, but it seems like you have one. But you can’t even open your damn mouth about it. I can not do any more than offering you to forget what has happened and if you can’t even reply to that… then well yeah, the more fool you!

Him: You have already deleted and unfriended me everywhere. So let’s just leave this be. Have a nice time

Me: Yavin, I’m gonna tell you one last time: the way you’ve treated me the last 2 weeks, made me think that you do not want to talk to me no more. I thought we might try again to talk to each other in a normal way, but then you didn’t reply again? I’m not gonna punish myself even more in having to look at your face on social media. I can’t tell you more than that I like you and am interested. If you don’t believe me, I can’t change anything.
I’ve deleted you for the only reason that I do not want to have any way to contact you, not because I don’t want to talk to you. I  know myself, I never give up. And I don’t want to run my head against the wall over and over again. So I just let you decide whether you text again or not.

[ He didn’t reply again for 30 minutes… ]

Me: Well, I guess this is a final goodbye then. No matter how ridiculous this is, I was glad I met you. Goodbye.

I did not get a reply again, and I guess I never will. I really don’t know what his fucking problem is, and honestly… I don’t care anymore. It feels like he has a huge problem with his self-confidence, and I am not willing to put up with that bullshit, if he is treating me that way! I gave him so many chances to get back into this, and he took none. So why should I keep trying?!

On the other hand, he made me go out a lot more again this week and I loved it. I guess that is also the main reason why I am so happy despite everything that has happened.

And on a whole other note: Kenny is back with his girlfriend *lol* Really, this was no surprise to me. I asked him why he went back and he said, that she told him she would change. We all know this is not gonna happen, as their problem is much huger than just what he told her. But who cares really? He also told me yesterday that he really would love to kiss me again, but he can’t. I asked why he can’t (I was drunk and I just wanted him to tell me. I didn’t even have any feelings towards him, so he wouldn’t hurt me – no matter what he said) and he said, so I don’t get my emotions mixed up again. So he would totally cheat on his girlfriend again, but would not kiss me for the sake of my feelings. I actually was laughing out loud about this. He is so fucked up.

Actually. They both are.