dating experiences (past).

meeting Gohan again

So. That “date” yesterday didn’t turn out how I expected it to. Well, I didn’t expect much, did I? I wanted to leave all options open, although I did think about how I wasn’t allowed to have sex for yet another week because of my surgery. So you can imagine how far my imagination had gone by the time I reread all the old posts about Gohan.

My mind got really messed by the time I met up with him. I was thinking about getting back in a relationship with him, or maybe just having a friendship with benefits. I wondered why things never worked out. I imagined how nice it would be, to have someone this close (in distance)… To sum things up: my mind was flying at around 130mph.

But then, when I saw him at the train station… after the first thing he said, I remembered why we didn’t work out. As mean as this may sound, but I just knew I could never ever be with him, just like I said on all these other posts about him.
We don’t share a lot of common interests and do see life from very different points of view. He talks a lot about himself. He has a lot of issues with his personality and tries to verify them with things that have nothing to do with it. And he’s just weird. There’s nothing wrong with being weird, but he’s so proud of being different… it’s just not what I like in a guy.

I went home at 1am after driving him home, so we spent a good 4 hours talking. Or rather him talking for like 3.5 of them. But with each minute I just felt more and more uncomfortable. At first things were okay, we talked and it was nice to meet someone I haven’t seen in so long. But by 11pm I got really tired and just wanted to be left alone. He didn’t realise. By 12.30am he said we should head home and he was mumbling something about going home and watching some Netflix. I wasn’t sure if he meant for me to join, but I knew I would not go to his house. It ended up being no question, so that was fine for me.

All summed up: it was nice to see him, but that’ll leave me satisfied for a looong time. We haven’t texted since either. He was very touchy and cuddley and kept telling me how “sexless” he was, to which I didn’t say anything. He asked me to give him my jacket or warm him up, which I found so weird that I didn’t reply. He asked why I didn’t reply and I was like “I’m not gonna give you my jacket!” Like, what?! I didn’t feel the need to cuddle him or whatever, although he tried several times. But I guess after a while he realised I would not give him what he wanted.
He also apologised for how he’s treated me after the breakup. He realised that he was very emotionally unavailable and was not reacting how he should have. But I have long gotten over it, so it was no big deal. Sure it was nice to see that he realised he behaved wrong… but you know, it’s been 5 years.

As I said, it was okay. But nothing like I expected. Not exactly in a bad way, but not in a good way either. It did make me want to date again though. But oh well…

guess who showed up?

As you all know by now, whenever I don’t post much, there simply is nothing to talk about. Alan has still vanished from this my world, which is fine for me. Doc is away for a month now and hasn’t texted in a week, which is absolutely fine as well. Have somewhat gotten over the idea anyway.

What is new though: I’m going out with Gohan tonight. I know. I don’t know where this has come from either. I don’t think many remember him. We dated a while back, I guess about 5-7 years but will have to read back on that story. We had sex once and then just stopped seeing each other for whatever reason – I can’t recall.

Well, last week I bumped into him. Not so much physically, because I didn’t actually talk to him because I only realised too late and he didn’t notice me. But I did let him know by text and he said it was a pity I didn’t talk to him, because it would have been fun. To which I replied we could meet up anyway and not only have to see each other whenever we occasionaly bump into each other. I mean we haven’t seen each other on purpose since we dated back in 2012 (I have read back on it now). Last night he asked whether I was free tonight, so yes. I am going out with him.

I have absolutely no idea what to expect. He told me that he has gotten very antisocial and needed some friends to get out of the house. I have been pretty much the same over the last few years (or actually… I have always been like that), so it seemed perfect to me. He understands what I go through. And we have always been on good terms, even after we ‘broke up’.

I don’t expect anything to happen tonight, but I am somewhat curious. Everything is so open and everything could happen. We’re both single, we know each other, we’re weird. I do think we’ll just catch up on these last few years and definitely will have a good talk. But there’s a subtle nervousity in me, because we used to date. And now that I have been reading back on a few posts I wrote about him, a weird feeling has shown itself again. I do not think we’ll kiss or anything, but there has always been a connection between the two of us. We’ll see. I’ll let you know how it went!

On a whole other topic: Ken and I are talking again. He actually texted me this morning, telling me that he’d found a hair from me on his handcuffs. Well, where did that come from? Haha, he has a new girlfriend, so I’m not sure why he is telling me this. I mean it has been 2 years. But whatever. Thanks for the info, I guess. 😀

Dodo is back in my life!

On a whole other subject, but still I want it to be documented on here:

This whole mess with Alan has made me talk to Dodo again. I knew he would be here for me, because he always is and was. No matter how badly I’ve treated him in the past, he never left my side. No matter how much I tried to push him away. He kept his distance, but held my hand if I asked him to. This is what true friendship means. Being able to talk to them at any time, without judgment. And even though we didn’t talk a lot over the last 2 years due to my reaction to his love confession, I knew he would be here for me at any minute.

I texted Dodo after Alan failed to reply to my confession about my depression. I told him that I just didn’t understand, how one could not react to a message like that. And let’s put some things straight here: Dodo didn’t know either. So let’s just compare these two reactions of my boyfriend and a friend;

  • Boyfriend: No reply
  • Friend: “First of all, do I need to be worried about you?! Secondly: I don’t know how one cannot reply to something like that. Of course one can be overwhelmed with that, but even though it’s a difficult subject, just not answering is pretty damn… bullshit. Of course, an answer should be well thought about. But if someone would tell me this, it means she trusts me and I should be able to reply with something.”

And just like that, with one single text he made me feel that much better. Better than my boyfriend probably ever did when it came to problems.
This conversation ended up with a huge rant from my side about my boyfriend. And he just listened and said what he thought. That’s what a friend – even more so a boyfriend – should do. That’s what “being there for someone” means.
And on a little side note: Whilst I was writing all this to Dodo he was at school. And he actually intentionally left the room to be able and be there for me. That’s what friends do. Putting priorities right.

Ever since, Dodo has texted me daily, making sure I am okay. Telling me to look for myself and not for Alan. Make sure that if he drags me any farther down, I need to leave him. He made me see my worth again. Made me realise that it’s not all in my head.

We then talked about some other things and all of a sudden he asked me about my depression (and that was the moment I would have loved to show this conversation to Alan, just to let him know that it was possible. Having a normal conversation, making me feel loved and cherished. Being actually interested in my life).

After we talked all day long, he then told me about his current problems with his “girl” (it’s not his girlfriend) and he told me that he’s just asking himself, why he’s invested so much time in her. To which I said “you probably asked yourself the same thing about me when ‘we broke up’ ” (apart from asking what had happened etc.)
He said “No I actually have never thought bad about you. I just asked myself what would have happened if things went a different way. What if I had reacted in another way than I did”. I told him though that he never did anything wrong (or at least that’s what I had in mind. It just didn’t work out for me).
At that point I had reread what had happened between us 2 years ago, because after everything that has happened with Stan, I totally forgot what the issue was. And I don’t think he could have done anything right or wrong. It just didn’t match for me.

However. I’m just glad to have someone back in my life, that is actually here. Always.

ups and downs.

This is a place where I am completely honest, and I know how much I will love to read back on these posts in a year or so. How messed up my thoughts were, how difficult I make things for myself – when they’re really not.

After my very bad thoughts on Sunday, I didn’t want them to be true. I hesitated about writing that post, but I felt the need to get it out – writing it down makes it so real. But then I talked about it with a friend and she looked at me like I was a crazy woman. She met him that day and told me how well we match and how in love we looked.

Alan came to my place on Wednesday. I was out with some friends and asked if he was okay meeting them beforehand. He didn’t reply, so I simply got him there. He was very quiet, but I was happy for him to meet them. Then he met my mom. Everything went so well. Even my cats liked him, which was a huge relief to me.
We were sitting on the table for 3 hours, those two just talking to each other, so I already knew my mother liked him. Just today she told me that she thought he was so different to Momo, but that she really liked his personality.

When we got into bed, Alan and I had a long talk about our family issues. And the next morning – reviving these moments – my heart almost burst with love and that’s when I knew he is worth the struggles I’m going through. He is not just my boyfriend, but becoming a good friend. He listens, he’s there for me, he understands my situation. And that’s so important to me. Finally having someone, who knows what I am talking about. But after all that he’s went through, he still is so positive (and that’s something so different than what I’m used to).
Also my friend asked me if I have always been nervous before seeing my boyfriend,… and I realised that I have never felt this way. I was nervous before the first date, but anything after that was fine. I still get the butterflies just before I see Alan now – and I have seen him soooo many hours by now. It’s really weird to me.

Yes, I still fear to meet his friends and mom. She does not think very good of me (I think I mentioned that she saw the hickeys and told him that it was very cheap of me – he lied to her about me, said it was a bet with a friend.. but mum’s just know, right?). I really want to get along with her, so I’m under a lot of pressure. There’s no meeting in sight yet, but I know how nervous I will be – and I am sooo awkward when I’m nervous. I’m meeting some of his friends this weekend, so we’ll see how this goes.

I just wanted to say that although things might be edgy at times, I am very happy with him.

PS: Kenny texted me this week about today’s party. Today a year ago I met and kissed him. I told him that I wasn’t planning on going to that party and he asked me why not. So I just told him that I might go over to my boyfriend’s place (which wasn’t the case at all) and he was like “wow that went fast!” and I asked what he meant. Him: “well, just a month ago you hated every man.” I actually laughed out loud, because really?! Me: “that’s because I hadn’t met the right one yet.” Haven’t heard much from him since – apart from that he wished me luck.

the guys are going insane!

So. As I mentioned in my last post, I unfriended Yavin on any social media and deleted his number. It actually felt good, not to have an opportunity to text him and I was – surprisingly – dealing well with the situation.

Then on Thursday night I received a text message from him, saying “the more fool you“. I was really surprised to read again from him, so I was just like “about what?”. Let’s be honest. I knew what he was talking about, but I didn’t think he would be mad about me deleting him off everything. HE didn’t want to talk anymore, so where was the problem?

He didn’t reply again, so I just let out what I was holding back for a while now:

Me: I really don’t know what your problem is, but it seems like you have one. But you can’t even open your damn mouth about it. I can not do any more than offering you to forget what has happened and if you can’t even reply to that… then well yeah, the more fool you!

Him: You have already deleted and unfriended me everywhere. So let’s just leave this be. Have a nice time

Me: Yavin, I’m gonna tell you one last time: the way you’ve treated me the last 2 weeks, made me think that you do not want to talk to me no more. I thought we might try again to talk to each other in a normal way, but then you didn’t reply again? I’m not gonna punish myself even more in having to look at your face on social media. I can’t tell you more than that I like you and am interested. If you don’t believe me, I can’t change anything.
I’ve deleted you for the only reason that I do not want to have any way to contact you, not because I don’t want to talk to you. I  know myself, I never give up. And I don’t want to run my head against the wall over and over again. So I just let you decide whether you text again or not.

[ He didn’t reply again for 30 minutes… ]

Me: Well, I guess this is a final goodbye then. No matter how ridiculous this is, I was glad I met you. Goodbye.

I did not get a reply again, and I guess I never will. I really don’t know what his fucking problem is, and honestly… I don’t care anymore. It feels like he has a huge problem with his self-confidence, and I am not willing to put up with that bullshit, if he is treating me that way! I gave him so many chances to get back into this, and he took none. So why should I keep trying?!

On the other hand, he made me go out a lot more again this week and I loved it. I guess that is also the main reason why I am so happy despite everything that has happened.

And on a whole other note: Kenny is back with his girlfriend *lol* Really, this was no surprise to me. I asked him why he went back and he said, that she told him she would change. We all know this is not gonna happen, as their problem is much huger than just what he told her. But who cares really? He also told me yesterday that he really would love to kiss me again, but he can’t. I asked why he can’t (I was drunk and I just wanted him to tell me. I didn’t even have any feelings towards him, so he wouldn’t hurt me – no matter what he said) and he said, so I don’t get my emotions mixed up again. So he would totally cheat on his girlfriend again, but would not kiss me for the sake of my feelings. I actually was laughing out loud about this. He is so fucked up.

Actually. They both are.

frustrated me

I need to tell you two news. Well, actually it’s just one news and something else I need/should/want to talk about.

First things first: Kenny texted me on Saturday morning letting me know that he broke up with his girlfriend for now. That was kind of unexpected. I did expect him to break up somewhen, but not a few days after talking to him about it – or rather the first opportunity he got when he saw her. He said that they would take a week off and see what’s going on. But just the way he talks, I don’t think they’ll get back together. But I’ll keep y’all updated of course.

How I feel about this?
I honestly don’t know. It was a mixture between fear and happiness when he told me. And I was super proud of him for doing what he told me he would do. I tried to cheer him up somewhat, but it’s hard without getting my emotions involved and what is going on in general. So there’s that.

Then.

As you all might know, I’m think I’m having the date with Yavin in 2 days. I am still very nervous – yet excited for it. And I tried to not think about it most of the last few days, because I got all nervous-butterfly-stomach ache when I did. Just this morning my friend asked me how I felt about it and I said that I was very excited.
However, we haven’t talked to each other since Friday. He hasn’t kept up the conversation once since probably 2 weeks. And although I said to my friend that I didn’t think about it – at least not negatively – tonight it got me thinking. I texted him. Again. We had a brief conversation, but then he didn’t reply again. I don’t know what is going on. Doesn’t he want to see me anymore? Is he just busy? But then he’s online all the time. It’s not that hard to text every once in a while. Right?!

I’m gonna let him be. If he texts me, fine. If he doesn’t, not fine. I’m just scared he won’t ask me about the exact time and place, so it means he doesn’t want to see me. I really don’t want to be dumped. It’s not like I am afraid he doesn’t like me, or is playing with me – I really don’t. But I’m starting to ask myself if I should be afraid. After all, I don’t know him that good.

Just a quick overview:

  • 6th January: he was sick, I told him to let me know if I could do anything and that I liked him. No more messages afterwards for over a week.
  • 14th January: me texting him to ask, if he was still alive and whether I should take it personally that he didn’t reply.
    He told me then “I’m gonna text you, going to bed now though. Bye”
  • 17th January: he texted me about an instagram picture of me and we had the longest conversation ever over the whole day. We were back to texting like we used to in the beginning and the conversation engaged until Wednesday (18th) till mid-afternoon when he all of a sudden stopped texting again.
  • 19th January: he texted me, because I was poking him on facebook to see if he was alive. Very short conversation about sex, then he stopped. Again.
  • 3 days later, today: still no reply, so I sent him an emoticon. Two short sentences of him and then no more reply to mine.

What the hell is going on? We used to talk all day long over the holidays. And he told me last Tuesday how much he loved talking to me.
This seriously is bothering me now. Has he lost interest? Or is it just because he’s back to work? But then he texted me all day long on Tuesday. I know he has access to his phone pretty much all the time. I understand when he spends the weekend with his daughter, so that’s why I didn’t text him. But just breaking off every fucking conversation out of nowhere and not starting a new one in a few days…? Seriously?! Even after I told him it was bothering me?

What the hell is going on?! And how should I react?

2 guys at once

It’s getting really hard to deal with my emotions right now. I know that I am single and am “allowed” to date however many guys I want to. But that’s just not me. I’ve never got myself in the situation of dating two guys at once, or I would feel very very bad. I don’t want to make the choice between dating one, and hurting the other. That’s my problem right now. I’m not actually dating two guys at once,  but it still feels like it and possibly could turn out to happen.

Kenny has been asking me for relationship advice for a few days now, and it makes me cringe. I told him this morning, that I am not in the right position to give him advice – given our current and past situation. I feel like I want him to be single, so I can’t really be neutral like I should be. So I’m telling him to break up for that reason. But I am also very well aware, that this is not my choice to make. I told him what I would want, if I were his girlfriend. And he has told me several times by now, that he will break up with her eventually, because it’s not fair to her to stay in a relationship he is not happy in. He really doesn’t want this anymore – I can feel it. He just can’t overcome his fear of hurting her (his words). Which I understand so much more than I should.
I feel very honoured that he is talking to me about this, and it makes me feel like it’s getting us even closer than we already are. And I’m not sure I want this to happen right now.

Just looking at that situation, it would be awesome, right? I always wanted to get a chance from him – for us. But given that I am going on a date with Yavin on Wednesday just makes me feel like cheating each one. I know that I don’t have to feel this way, but I do. I don’t want Kenny to actually break up with his girlfriend right now, so there’s no decision for me to make. You know? Like, I don’t want to make that decision, and if he stays in the relationship, I don’t have to. I’ll just have to go ahead and date Yavin. But I also know that he’s not breaking up with her because of me, and he deserves to be happy and therefore break up with her. And I do want to be there for him, I’m just not sure how good this will work out.

Then there’s that little hope that the date with Yavin won’t turn out to be what I expect. It’s not like I think that way, or really hope for it. Because I really like that guy. He makes me laugh. And he’s so much like me. We don’t have a past to overcome, it would be all new and exciting. There hasn’t been a thing about him I disliked so far (maybe apart from the lack of conversation from his side). I love talking to him, and I will definitely love to spend time with him in reality. It just would take that decision away from me, too. But really, I hope it’ll click.

Kenny or Yavin?
Maybe I’m just reading too much into either situation. Or I might end up not getting either one of them. There’s a possibility. But right now it just makes me feel very bad, talking to 2 guys at once. Especially after saying all these lovely things to Kenny one day, and then setting a date with Yavin the next.
I can’t really explain, it just freaks me out. And I have been dealing with terrible anxiety ever since (especially when I realised how dependent Kenny is on me on that whole relationship situation).
And right now I’m also trying to just ease my mind, saying I will decide after I’ve first seen Yavin. But making my decision dependent on one single date is just ridiculous. And I don’t think it will be like “oh yeah, now I will or won’t date Yavin”, you know? I’ll just have to wait and see how things turn out, I guess.