Honestly… sometimes I really understand why my friends are telling me to make a movie out of my life. Sometimes I really ask myself, why I’m reacting the way I do. Or why I’m doing certain things. But oh well, the harm is done. Gotta live with it now.
I was frustrated last night. VERY frustrated. I wanted to test how long it takes P to text me first. Yesterday marked 4 days, and I wanted to send him something, so I did. I hate playing those games, so fuck it. After he didn’t keep up the conversation after a very short while, I just said “bye” at around 8pm. He asked why I said “bye” and I just said bye again. He asked where I was heading to. Here is where I took a wrong turn.
“I’m going nowhere, but your interest in texting with me doesn’t seem to be existent anymore lately and even I have understood that by now… so that’s why I don’t want to force anything anymore that is one-sided, and therefore: bye” I am very aware how bitchy that was, and it’s so not me. I’m not like that. I tell people what the fuck is wrong, without sounding like a bitch.
He just answered with a simple “hmm…“, which obviously got me even madder. Here’s where I should have gone to bed and not reply to him no more. But I didn’t:
“I don’t mean to harm you, and I’m not sure how you took it. You know what I think of you, but as I said there wasn’t much from you anymore. I don’t want to bother you and be that girl, that doesn’t get a hint and keeps bothering you, when you’re done already. I like texting with you, you should know. But there’s no need when it’s always started by me, right? I didn’t mean it as a ‘bye, get the fuck away, I don’t want to ever talk to you again’, but I will take a step back, because I finally got it. You are welcome to text, whenever you want.”
I then went to bed. I’m glad I was able to actually sleep. But when I woke up to no text whatsoever (and he had been online till 3am, so it wasn’t like he was away or something), I was just sad. Disappointed. I hadn’t expected this. Not from him, at least.
I texted again (I see your eye-rolling – stop!):
“Hmm okay, I didn’t expect to just get nothing… I just want to say one last thing then. I think you understand how frustrating it is, when you miss someone and that person rarely or never texts you first and that’s why I texted you last night. Nothing has changed about how I think of ‘us’ or how I feel about you (even if I had hope me being away helps). I just don’t want to fool myself and that’s why I’m giving you some room to breathe. Believe me, it’s not easy, but I promise I will leave you be even if that hurts me.. I’m sorry if I have wrong-footed you.”
I know I should play that game of catch-fetch, but that’s not me. I want people to know how I feel or think. There’s so much hate and misunderstandings, because people are playing games and not communicating properly. I’m done with this. I’d rather let him know how I feel, than us both being frustrated.
I got an answer about an hour later:
There’s not coming nothing anymore… I have been thinking about it, but it’s still like that time I explained to you about my situation: I have enjoyed every moment with you and don’t regret anything.. and we can go out for dinner or just do something together.
But I don’t know, how hopeful you’re going to be that we’ll end up in intimate togetherness until we’re old afterwards 😛
What got me wrong-footed isn’t you, but the situation right now. I still am struggling with my father’s death and it has turned my life upside down… but I also don’t want to blame everything for this.
Don’t worry, I know very well how much you like me – and it is very nice. But I also don’t want to play with your feelings.
I didn’t answer all day. Firstly because I was at work, but also because I wanted to think about what to reply. I know I could’ve gone “I don’t have any hope” blablah, but we all know that would be a lie. And he knows that as well. So I figured I could be completely honest:
“I’m sorry I always bother you with this. I didn’t mean “seeing you”, but that I felt like your interest decreased in the texting-habit. But I guess I didn’t articulate myself very well.
So I’m going to be very honest now: We will never have an intimate togetherness with our cats… 😉 no seriously though: of course I cannot claim to have no hope whatsoever – and I think you know that, but I am very well aware that it doesn’t work (right now) and it could go both ways. Nobody can promise anything.
And I never felt like you were playing with my feelings, because you have always been honest and explained your situation, so I will not blame you for that. In the end it would be my problem, because I know what I’m getting myself into. I don’t know how to explain. I actually just wanted to let you know, that you should text me from time to time 😛 ”
It’s funny though. I knew this morning that things weren’t done. Although my brain wanted me to be sad for this loss, I knew I had not actually lost him. It is so weird to explain that relationship to anyone. Or how I feel about us. I wish he’d feel the same. Or I could give him some sort of security. But this conversation just showed me once more, how insecure he is. He doesn’t want to see me, because he fears of me getting hurt. When really, it’s my problem. He doesn’t give himself a chance, that’s what makes me sad actually…
In the end I know he’s telling me that I should have no hope right now that we end up as a couple. And honestly, my hope has decreased immensely. I’m not sure how we both will feel once we see each other again (since it’s been over 2 months). Of course there’s the hope that I will spark his interest again, but I also do not expect us to kiss when we see each other or whatever. I’m not that blindsided. I understand his situation and he needs time, and that is fine by me. I guess I’ll just keep going and see where things are going. And stop going crazy every few weeks *lol*