truth

crazy cat lady

Honestly… sometimes I really understand why my friends are telling me to make a movie out of my life. Sometimes I really ask myself, why I’m reacting the way I do. Or why I’m doing certain things. But oh well, the harm is done. Gotta live with it now.

I was frustrated last night. VERY frustrated. I wanted to test how long it takes P to text me first. Yesterday marked 4 days, and I wanted to send him something, so I did. I hate playing those games, so fuck it. After he didn’t keep up the conversation after a very short while, I just said “bye” at around 8pm. He asked why I said “bye” and I just said bye again. He asked where I was heading to. Here is where I took a wrong turn.

I’m going nowhere, but your interest in texting with me doesn’t seem to be existent anymore lately and even I have understood that by now… so that’s why I don’t want to force anything anymore that is one-sided, and therefore: bye” I am very aware how bitchy that was, and it’s so not me. I’m not like that. I tell people what the fuck is wrong, without sounding like a bitch.
He just answered with a simple “hmm…“, which obviously got me even madder. Here’s where I should have gone to bed and not reply to him no more. But I didn’t:
I don’t mean to harm you, and I’m not sure how you took it. You know what I think of you, but as I said there wasn’t much from you anymore. I don’t want to bother you and be that girl, that doesn’t get a hint and keeps bothering you, when you’re done already. I like texting with you, you should know. But there’s no need when it’s always started by me, right? I didn’t mean it as a ‘bye, get the fuck away, I don’t want to ever talk to you again’, but I will take a step back, because I finally got it. You are welcome to text, whenever you want.

I then went to bed. I’m glad I was able to actually sleep. But when I woke up to no text whatsoever (and he had been online till 3am, so it wasn’t like he was away or something), I was just sad. Disappointed. I hadn’t expected this. Not from him, at least.

I texted again (I see your eye-rolling – stop!):
Hmm okay, I didn’t expect to just get nothing… I just want to say one last thing then. I think you understand how frustrating it is, when you miss someone and that person rarely or never texts you first and that’s why I texted you last night. Nothing has changed about how I think of ‘us’ or how I feel about you (even if I had hope me being away helps). I just don’t want to fool myself and that’s why I’m giving you some room to breathe. Believe me, it’s not easy, but I promise I will leave you be even if that hurts me.. I’m sorry if I have wrong-footed you.
I know I should play that game of catch-fetch, but that’s not me. I want people to know how I feel or think. There’s so much hate and misunderstandings, because people are playing games and not communicating properly. I’m done with this. I’d rather let him know how I feel, than us both being frustrated.

I got an answer about an hour later:

There’s not coming nothing anymore… I have been thinking about it, but it’s still like that time I explained to you about my situation: I have enjoyed every moment with you and don’t regret anything.. and we can go out for dinner or just do something together.
But I don’t know, how hopeful you’re going to be that we’ll end up in intimate togetherness until we’re old afterwards 😛
What got me wrong-footed isn’t you, but the situation right now. I still am struggling with my father’s death and it has turned my life upside down… but I also don’t want to blame everything for this.
Don’t worry, I know very well how much you like me – and it is very nice. But I also don’t want to play with your feelings.

I didn’t answer all day. Firstly because I was at work, but also because I wanted to think about what to reply. I know I could’ve gone “I don’t have any hope” blablah, but we all know that would be a lie. And he knows that as well. So I figured I could be completely honest:

I’m sorry I always bother you with this. I didn’t mean “seeing you”, but that I felt like your interest decreased in the texting-habit. But I guess I didn’t articulate myself very well.
So I’m going to be very honest now: We will never have an intimate togetherness with our cats… 😉 no seriously though: of course I cannot claim to have no hope whatsoever – and I think you know that, but I am very well aware that it doesn’t work (right now) and it could go both ways. Nobody can promise anything.
And I never felt like you were playing with my feelings, because you have always been honest and explained your situation, so I will not blame you for that. In the end it would be my problem, because I know what I’m getting myself into. I don’t know how to explain. I actually just wanted to let you know, that you should text me from time to time 😛

It’s funny though. I knew this morning that things weren’t done. Although my brain wanted me to be sad for this loss, I knew I had not actually lost him. It is so weird to explain that relationship to anyone. Or how I feel about us. I wish he’d feel the same. Or I could give him some sort of security. But this conversation just showed me once more, how insecure he is. He doesn’t want to see me, because he fears of me getting hurt. When really, it’s my problem. He doesn’t give himself a chance, that’s what makes me sad actually…
In the end I know he’s telling me that I should have no hope right now that we end up as a couple. And honestly, my hope has decreased immensely. I’m not sure how we both will feel once we see each other again (since it’s been over 2 months). Of course there’s the hope that I will spark his interest again, but I also do not expect us to kiss when we see each other or whatever. I’m not that blindsided. I understand his situation and he needs time, and that is fine by me. I guess I’ll just keep going and see where things are going. And stop going crazy every few weeks *lol*

 

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final goodbye to Alan.

Just for myself: I need some closure about Alan on this blog. He has been long out of my life – it actually feels like a lifetime, when it really hasn’t. I deleted him off any social media by now. But I need to type some things out, to get it out of my system – out of my mind. I don’t intend to talk about him on here anymore, as I really want to cut him out of my life – out of my mind as well. If he ever decides to answer any of my unread letters, I will let you know. But I don’t believe in ever getting an answer anymore, so there’s that.

Just to show myself how long it’s actually been (sometimes it feels a lot longer, sometimes a lot shorter):

  • It’s been 2.5 months since I’ve last seen him, when he was over at my house and we got into that huge fight (May 13th)
  • The last time I heard from him “on his turn” (aka him answering my message 2 days late) has been 1.5 months ago, when he said he hasn’t read my letter yet and didn’t take it with him on his holidays and I said a day later that I will delete his number, so I had no option to text him, which he obviously saw as an invitation to break off any contact (June 14th)
  • It also has already been a month since I put my last letter in his mailbox the day he returned from his holidays… to which I never got an answer. Thank you for wasting probably 8 hours of my life on that one. (24th June)
  • And the very last message I ever got from him, which was a short “thank you” to my ‘stay safe’ message has been 3 weeks ago (30th June)

I can’t even officially say that we broke up, because we never did. But I guess it’s quite obvious that we are no longer together. It’s just… I wish he could have just explained himself at some point instead of just vanishing without a word.

Today a song came on the radio that was/is Alan’s favourite song. I actually really didn’t like that band, but with listening to it so much whilst being with Alan it got stuck in my mind. Whenever something like that happens, I keep wondering how he could have done something like that? It’s not even about me anymore, or about the hurt he’s caused me. But I just don’t understand how someone could do that to anyone?! Of course sometimes I wonder how he’s doing. If he’s suffered at least a little from this breakup. If he still thinks of me at all. What he told his father about our ‘breakup’… or if I’m just like any other exgirlfriend he’s had and he deleted me out of my mind right away.

Funnily enough, when I was deleting pictures of him off my phone, I found some old screenshots. Two weeks prior to our fight he told me how I was the one and only for him and how much he appreciated my personality. Just to be thrown away like garbage 2 weeks later. I still don’t understand his lack of fighting for this relationship. But then he never learned, so yeah.

At the end of the day, all of this doesn’t matter. I know I’m way much better off without him. I do not deserve to be treated like this and it would have never worked out in any possible way. His lack of empathy would have caused me a lot of pain on our further journey, so I’m glad I can fight this battle again by myself. I know who to rely on. It’s funny since everyone asked about our breakup I told them about me pre-cancer cells. Every single one of them has not asked about the breakup afterwards, but about my health. So it still doesn’t get into my head how my boyfriend couldn’t do that. Oh well, maybe there are people out there that need no empathy.

Anyway. As I said in my last post, I am content with being alone right now and that’s all that matters. I will try and cut him out completely. It worked with Stan, it will work with that one as well. So much for “my one” – on to the next one!

oh well, hello depression!

Before I leave you hanging, wondering what has happened ever since… I need to write this down before I forget to post how the story continued…

So after I told him not to join me to come to my granny’s and he just accepted my decision (which, don’t get me wrong, I was happy about.. but yet expected him to act up in any way), I was once more crying in bed. Slipping back into depression. I could feel the grip.

That night he asked if everything was okay with me. And I truthfully said “no”. He asked what had happened and I was upset, that he didn’t even think that I was still feeling bad about what had happened at the weekend.
I once more told him about my feelings. He once more hit back with things that didn’t really matter. I told him about my constant crying. About his way of “solving” problems (aka just talking about something else). I told him what to do (aka just ask when he felt like I was distant or whatever). He then tried to defend himself saying that he did indeed ask how I was doing. I got upset once more, telling him that it took him 4 days to ask. He kept just trying to defend each and every action he’s done so far instead of just trying to understand my point of view.
I told him once more that it wasn’t one single action that made me lose my shit, but the little things building up (I don’t think he has yet understood what I mean, but I’m done trying to explain). He once more got back to that very same situation, telling me that I could’ve simply told him to join me to bed, or joined them to talk. So still no understanding, right? And by then I lost my shit. It was 12am, I wasn’t in the mood to once more argue, my head was killing me. So I told him to once more reread what I had told him last Saturday, because I could not explain myself any better than that. I was having a bad headache and was done with that whole situation. Thoughts of breaking up have been popping up in my head, and I knew I needed to get away from this fight.

His words: “I’ll reread it sometime“. Really? Setting your priorities right again, huh? Which – of course – got me upset once more. So I just said “I would really like to explain it to you once more, but I’m slowly noticing how my body is giving up, because my mind is. I have been suffering from a depression for a long time and these kind of things just help it surface once more. I know it’s not easy, and I will not ever complain about someone leaving me because it’s too complicated.
This made me tear up again. It’s not easy to confess a depression to someone you love.

Guess what?

No reply.

That was the point where I was really done with this relationship. If someone does not react to a confession like that, it was just wrong. So wrong. Add into that, he texted me the next morning a lovely “good morning 🙂 “, which upset me that much more. I didn’t reply for 2 hours, so he got angry and told me not to ignore him and whatever. How easy it had been in the beginning and I should stop acting that way.

I truthfully replied “No I feel like bullshit. If you cannot reply to a message like my confession, I can’t help you anymore.” I lashed out on him a lot more after that. How he has no idea how to treat people with mental problems, how he should not always make life as easy as it seems (because let’s be honest. He’s had a lovely life with few to none problems. Yes, his parents are divorced, but then that’s about all bad that’s happened to him). That was the moment I realised, why I’ve had all the boyfriends with mental problems. At least they knew what I was talking about. They needed me. To keep them on the surface. And Alan doesn’t.

Anyway. He then told me that he wasn’t okay with me telling him about my depression “by the way”, assuming he had long known about it. Which I didn’t. I knew that he didn’t know about my depression. How would he? Most of my friends don’t know about it. So I told him that I did not assume this, but that I had expected SOME sort of reaction at least. But that this was exactly what I meant about “not talking about problems”.
Which of course, he once more took personally and said that his life was not easy and whatever.

By then I had to get to work. And I was done with all this fighting. I really was done by now. I knew there was no reason to tell him those things, because he will never truly understand. He’s not ever been in such a situation. All his friends seem to be happy little buds. No friends with depression. So how should he even know how to deal with such a thing? So I just cut it off. I told him that I will not talk about this subject any longer, that if he ever had questions, he could ask me. But I would not talk about it in my means anymore. That maybe we could get back to our “old selves” once his final exams were over (because he used this as an excuse as not having time to wrap his head around ‘my depression’).

His last text about it was “Yes, I think it’s for the best to not talk about it anymore [no surprise here]. I’m sorry that I didn’t know how to react about your confession. I did want to know about it, but didn’t want to ask anything wrong.” To which I explained that asking will never be wrong with me.

So really? I don’t know what to think about any of this. I’m not so sure if we can spend a life together, if he does not know how to treat me and my depression. Maybe it’s unfair to expect this, but I have always had friends that were okay with it – or at least seemed to react in the right way. I don’t know. For now we’ll leave things be like they are right now. We have managed to treat each other normally again. Talking like friends (no affection so far). I told him that I could come over for the night this weekend. I know we need to see each other, it will be awkward anyway. So better get it done with as soon as possible. And like I’ve mentioned already. Maybe 3 weeks apart will do us good. Maybe not.

However, he’s just canceled these plans. I’m not gonna ask to see him again.

no more texts

So let’s not drag this out.

He dumped me.

This entire day I thought he would text me. At least shortly before we were supposed to meet. But then slowly 5pm rolled around, without a text. I tried to get my mind off things. My mom returned on 6pm, asking what was going on. And then when 7pm hit, I knew there would be no more texts. He is online on facebook all the time, so even my excuses of him probably still being busy at work are not valid. Or not having a second to text me. Invalid. I need to look the truth in the eye and stop pretending that he cares.

I was okay throughout the day. I got upset after the third person asked me whether he texted me. I was upset because I believed he would text by then. But he didn’t.
And I feel so so sad. I feel betrayed. And mostly disappointed. I feel like shit, and still the tears won’t come.
After more than a year I finally trusted a guy enough to have a date. To give him the possibility to get into my life. And to be honest, I let him into my heart way too fast. I got my hopes up, way too easily. And that’s the price I gotta pay now. For being so naive. For trusting someone I didn’t know.

I thought he was different. I did nothing wrong, I need to remember this. I am so disappointed, because he didn’t even have to guts to tell me. Ghosting me? This is kindergarten. And it makes me so mad that he doesn’t even tell me what’s going on. How hard is it to just tell someone you’ve never met, that you’re not interested? It’s one simple little text, for god’s sake. Why do people always feel like not texting them anymore is better? What is so hard about being honest and let them go, if you don’t want them in your life? Just let them have an explanation, so they don’t search for faults in themselves. Just let them go.

I was so convinced that he was different. I truly believed in him to be the guy I want to have by my side. He seemed so perfect, so much like me. He seemed like a truthful one. Not playing any games. And still I’m sitting here in bed, thinking there will be a simple explanation. But there isn’t, or he would’ve told me.

I was so wrong. So so wrong. But I should be used to this. Life never gets me what I want. Not that way anyway. Not when it comes to love.

And now the tears finally flow.

quick update on the boys

Two things happened yesterday after I wrote up that post:

  • Kenny did message me around midday, saying that he fell asleep the night before (which I actually don’t believe, because I did see that he was online at one point). We chatted back and forth, no asking of him if I would join the party… but then I didn’t really expect him to.
  • I texted Yavin in the afternoon, I just couldn’t bare the thought that he would slip through my fingers, when I had that urge to talk to him.

So long story short (it’s actually not long at all): I texted him saying:

Are you still alive or do I have to take it personally?

He replied pretty quickly that he was back to the living. So I said that I had to take it personally then and he said that I didn’t. I told myself to not get into that “self-pity” stage again, in which I hope for people to realise that they’ve hurt me without actually telling them… so this time, I simply told him. Our conversation went something like:
Him: How can I make up for it again?
Me: Well you could text me first for example.
Him: Sorry, I was ill until Thursday and had a lot of catching up to do.
Me: Well, shit happens I guess.
Him: So we’re not gonna talk to each other anymore then?
Me: I told you once before, that I am not gonna force you to write with me.
Him: That’s your own fault then. Sometimes I gotta be forced to see my luck.
Me: That’s not me though, I like when people actually want to talk to me and not be annoyed whenever I text.
Him: I’m happy whenever you do text me!

Lots of blahblah.. so in the end I told him that he should understand what this looked like. Me telling him that I liked him and then no more texts whatsoever. That everybody would ask themselves what they did wrong. To which he said that he totally understood and he was sorry.. and he would text me and we still had to grab a drink.

He said good night with the words that he will text me. Nothing till now, but we’ll see. I’m just glad I got it off my chest. Why ignore people and let them figure things out themselves, that they probably don’t even notice? Just tell these people what you feel like. It’s usually not that bad, right? I’m glad I did write. If he now decides to not text me again, so be it. I did all I could. I told him how I felt, I didn’t throw a tatrum. I let him have some time off. All is well.

But I’m not gonna ignore my gut that tells me he could be a perfect match again. Sometimes you gotta step over your pride and do something you probably wouldn’t do in another situation.