feelings

talk about us

You see, I’ve met someone new, so here’s to daily posts again, because self-conciousness has kicked in again. Why though? Maybe because he looks like Mr. perfect (in appearance to me)? Or because his personality seems so sweet and nice to me? Yeah, I guess it is one of the very many reasons for my self-conciousness.

Here’s the thing: it seems to be an issue for paraplegic.
Not an issue per se so not to date me, but he has mentioned it a few times already (once on the date itself).

Anyway, to cut things shortish: As I mentioned yesterday, he had been “away” all weekend. I’m not sure whether he had been so busy or just didn’t want to interrupt my time with the kiddos, since he once more told me I was the busy one (because I didn’t have the weekend free for him). But he did text me last night and he asked when I was free this week to meet up. So all my worries about him not wanting to see me again were off.

Anyway, so we settled for Thursday. Again. I would have been free today and tomorrow, but since I have been experiencing bad cramps all weekend, I didn’t want to push my luck.

Then I did the first stupid thing. I told him that he was not going out of my mind. He just asked what he could do about it, to which I said he should stop ghosting around in my head. The conversation then turned to our kissing because of a picture I sent him (he said he liked our kissing chemistry).
Today I was still stupid and kept saying things. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I need to cut back on telling him my feelings, since he seems to not like it or is overwhelmed. I do not know (well my friend just said he might be careful as not to rush things into something that is not meant to happen – on the other hand he was the one to kiss and fumble on a first date… you know it’s just confusing to me!)

He told me today, that the weather is going to be bad (again) this Thursday and I offered to see him today, which he didn’t want to since he was already on his way home (don’t really know what the problem is with that, but that’s alright). Then the following dialogue happened:

Me: See, at least my cats want to see me *sending him a pictures of my needy cats*
Him: Well, they kind of have to
Me: Okay. I’ve gotten the message now…
Him: Why? I don’t have to see you,… but we are meeting up again, so that speaks for itself!
Me: Yeah, I do know that you don’t have to miss me
Him: Do you have to miss me?
Me: No, I don’t have to… but I do. [next wrong turn]
Him (20minutes later): Ouch… how can I change that?
Me: I told you yesterday already that you should stop ghosting around in my head. But it’s alright, it is still bearable right now
Him: And what are you going to do once it isn’t bearable anymore?
Me: Stand in front of your door *lol*
[ when I didn’t get a reply in 1.5 hours and saw that he had been online, I sent another text ]
Me: You don’t have to worry, I will not come to your door like a psycho. But I guess I need to learn and not wear my heart on my sleeves with you. I feel like telling everything that is going on in my mind and I forget that people may be overwhelmed with that. I am sorry.
Him: I do not worry of you being a psycho and coming to my door, and even if it would be like that.. it wouldn’t be a big deal. And I am not as easily overwhelmed as you think.
Me: Anyway, I feel like it’s not helping us. I don’t know
Him: I understand you, very much so. But it’s dangerous to precipitately dive into something.. I’m gonna tell you something about me some day (not by chat)
Me: I don’t want to rush things! I just want to get to know you better and meet you, because I think you’re such a cool person with a lot of characteristics I like. So I’m worried I will do things wrong and therefore talk before I think. I want us to take our time. I didn’t mean to stress you out.
Him: Don’t worry, just tell me what you want. I can filter what is important to me. Thank you, that’s very cute. I do think you’re very sympathetic yourself – you just need to up your self-confidence in your appearance, then it will be perfect. And swear a little less *lol*

So. I think it’s a good sign what he said, right?! Although I still haven’t gotten him to tell me how he feels about us, he definitely isn’t pushing me away yet. And I think he’s just not a person to say “I like you” or whatever anytime soon. Which is fine, I’ve been that way before and I will not push him to do it.

But I need to learn and be patient and not fall for him head over heels, because we all know that wouldn’t end well. It seems that he really is an honest and nice man, that doesn’t want to rush things and searches for something serious. So I need to calm the f*ck down, as to not make him run for the hills already. And I definitely will try to do so. Not tell him about any sort of feelings about him (no “I miss you”s or anything the like!). I can do it. Patience is the key. I’ve gotten what I wanted to say off my chest, and it made me feel better for the moment, so here’s to me getting more self-confidence and leaving him be every once in a while. I will update again once I’ve seen him in 3 days.

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Broken

I guess the final breakup has really settled in now. I have been emotionless all day. A first reminder of a beginning depression episode. And now I am crying over it. I am crying for no reason. I started crying because of a TV show, and all of a sudden I am crying about all my failures and faults in my entire life.

I knew he would not text me again. Not after my confessions. Not after telling him that our relationship lays in his hands from now on. I have finished the letter today. The one I had been writing on since I came back from holidays. Because I knew I would not be able to do so, once I realised he was gone for good. I knew I needed to write the words down before the tears came. And now they’re here. I am so sad. I don’t even know what about. There hasn’t been much more lost than 4 weeks ago. But it hurts that much more to let the breakup in my heart. Let it shatter the pieces that have been mended for a short amount of time. It hurts all over again. No matter how much I told myself I would be okay. That I probably wouldn’t even want this relationship anymore. My heart has broken again today. Realising that he’s gone. Really gone.

Another failed relationship? My obviously failure of keeping anyone close? Of not pushing them away after a few months? Of having a family? Of loving someone? Of not being important to anyone in my miserable life? I do not know what exactly hurts this much. But I can feel physical pain by now. And I have been wishing to just not be here anymore. I can’t get through another heartbreak. How many more times? I can’t do this any longer. I’m broken.

failed attempt to save anything.

That guy actually amazes me. Unfortunately in a negative way.

I think I’ve mentioned in my last post, that I had written him a message at 4am in the morning that I needed some kind of answer of him. As I said I did not get an answer although he’d been online on facebook and instagram. He did say later on, that his WhatsApp wasn’t functioning properly, which is bullshit. If the internet hadn’t worked, the message wouldn’t have gotten through straight away. But who am I to blame him for lying. There are other problems.

So last night he had the guts to finally reply, woop. What he said made me laugh and cry at the same time:

I don’t have your letter with me and as I’ve said before, I have not read it to the end yet, because I didn’t feel like I could do it. Considering all of this I don’t think a relationship would be able to bloom, if our communication is gonna be mainly by texting. More often than not tedious misunderstandings have come out of this and I fear this will be continuing… right now I don’t know what you think about this, as I don’t have your letter with me – sorry. What do you think about this?

As said, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Our communication was mainly by texting, because he didn’t have the guts to talk to me face to face. He was the one to deny coming over. He just said “okay” or talked about something else when I did mention our problems. So how can he put the blame on me now? Also there have never been any misunderstandings, rather him not reading what I actually wrote and getting angry about nothing at all. Not doing what I asked him to do, and then me getting mad at this. If he thinks those have been misunderstandings… oh well.

And who even does that? Going away on a trip, not reading a letter your exgirlfriend sent you or at least taking with you, if you don’t have the guts to read it at that moment?! I would have never done this. How can one just shut off his brain for 3 weeks? That’s just insane and proves how emotionally unavailable he is.

I replied. Of course I did.

Okay. If you don’t see any future in this… then so be it.

If I wouldn’t have had any more hope – or however you want to call this – I would have not tried to talk to you any longer after my letter. For some reason I have once more written a 3-paged-letter by now, which in this case I will not send to you.
I really don’t know anymore what to think, feel or hope for. The only thing I know is, that this situation is depressing me and hurts (and I don’t mean this to sound like an accusation). In one way not to know what is going on, on the other side not being able to do anything about it. For me it’s really hard – and that’s what I wrote in the letter – that you have completely shut off for the last 2 weeks. So far that I can’t even tell if you even have any feelings left.

But whatever. You don’t want to talk about this by text, which I do understand. So yeah… enjoy the rest of your trip.

And let’s guess once more what happened?

Yeah right. Nothing.

He has been online this far. Didn’t feel the need to say anything about this anymore. But who am I kidding? I didn’t even expect him to.
And I’m done. I’m just so done with all of this. Why should I even bother trying to save a relationship that means all the work lays on my side? If he had really loved me, he would have tried to save something. Not just accepted the fact that I ended things. But as a friend of mine said yesterday: “this just proves one more time: having a high IQ doesn’t mean you have any social ability to communicate”

I’m gonna delete his number, so not to have a chance to text him any longer. And I will tell him beforehand that I will. If he can’t end things for real, I need to shut off any way to communicate with him.

Moving on? It’s hard.

I just woke up from a dream about Alan. 

I was watching a snapchat story of him making fun of a spelling mistake he’d made, writing on a f*cking napkin. When I rewatched it to catch the actual spelling mistake (which was ‘falll’) I also glimpsed the word ‘goodbye’. That caught my eye. Then I watched it over and over again to realise it was a letter to me. The reply. I screenshoted it, so I could actually read it in peace.

The only phrase I actually remember is “I have to say goodbye to you” and something along the lines of “I love you but I can’t endure this.”
I. Need. To. Move. On.
My dreams keep telling me not to have any hope. He has not answered my message from 2 days ago so far (neutral one). He’s been liking random girls on instagram (did I mention? Social media is toxic). And for those reasons I probably won’t send the letter to him, I have been writing on since Sunday.

I did however text him right now (it is 4am) that I need some kind of (short) answer to my letter, because I cannot live on like this. That I am having problems at school because of this and want the daydreaming and nightmares to stop. We’ll see. 

Do I expect an answer any time soon? No. 

Do I expect a positive answer? No. 

Do I think this will end up in a breakup for good? Yes.

But I need a reality check to move on, no matter how much this hurts. I did however apologise for bothering him on his holidays. I did think that I might be able to hold it off until after his holidays. But I really can’t. My body is telling me to stop. I’m constantly nauseous and am having stomach ache. I really need to move on from this. So why can’t I?

PS: it is now 2 hours later. He has been online the entire time on facebook. He didn’t feel the need to answer my message. I don’t think I have ever met anyone that has been such an asshole my entire life. Not even Stan has treated me that poorly. Which is saying something! I can’t. I just don’t understand that this should have been love. I would never in my life treat anyone I once loved like this. That is just… no respect at all. And (I wish) I am so done.

Welcome back

I wish I could say the time abroad had helped. It actually did. For the time being. I did not have any access to internet, which happened to be my safe haven. 

The first 2 days were the worst. I missed him so much. I was not able to sleep without a tear lost in the sheets. I hugged the pillows, daydreaming about being with him.

He asked me to tell him whether I had landed safely before my flight took off (so some caring is still left in there -somewhere, out of my reach). But apart from making sure we both survived the flights, there was no more contact. And it turned out to be a good thing for me.

By day 3 I had gotten used to the idea of being without him. Of this breakup I had intended. I kept everything bad about him in mind, which helped a lot. I got to a stage where it didn’t hurt to think about him anymore. Where I was just wondering whether he’s having a nice trip. But there still was a daydreaming part of being away with him. Of picking him up at the airport in 2 weeks to welcome him back. But I’m scared. And I can’t do it. I fear his reaction.

I have written a letter to him since I’ve come back home. I’m not sure if I will ever send it. But I need to point my emotions towards something. And there is still some tiny spark of hope left in me. For whatever reason. Is unknown even to me.

As I said things were good until I got home. I switched the internet back on. Even received a message from him, which I did not expect at all (although it was all neutral about his trip)… and then logged onto my facebook. 2 weekish ago I have talked to Ken again. He has a girlfriend now, so all is good. We became friends on facebook once more. I did put a status that I’d be abroad when I left. Ken commented “why did you not tell me earlier?” (he works at the airport). Alan liked his comment, rather than my status. Alan knows that Ken is my ex. And part of our story. Which just once more shows me that… I can’t even explain what. It just told me that he thinks my ex is more involved in my life than he is. There were so many comments, but he only liked this damned one. Although he should have known that I did not want to see Ken again. He knew we were not on good terms before (maybe that’s the problem, because all of a sudden we are?!)

I hate the internet right now. I really do. It makes me stalk him. It makes me mad and sad. I wish I could leave it all behind. Live in peace. I did not bother about him not texting me all week long when I was ‘offline’. But as soon as I had access to internet again, I got upset because I knew he had been online and didn’t text me. How wicked is this brain?!

I just can’t do this anymore. I wish I could just let go of that hope that is still left in me. I really don’t know why I cling onto it. He gives me no reason whatsoever. He does not tell me anything friendly, even less romantically. He has not given me an answer to my last letter. There’s nothing. And he seems happy abroad. Without me. He seems fine with this breakup. As he said, he probably has just “accepted it” and moved on. As he said he would right in the beginning of this relationship. Not the one. Next one.

I should just leave it be. Get over this mess I created myself.

the breakup.

I need to type this out before my mind gets blurred with thoughts about possible cancer (I’m having the appointment this afternoon – or rather had, once you’re reading this).

So. I was at work when I read Alan’s message. I was angry and mad, about his nonexistent love. I just couldn’t understand how one could just say nothing to your girlfriend breaking up with you. How?

I didn’t write again. I sent Mr. Cucu a 15 minute-voice record whilst I actually started crying (he hasn’t seen or heard me cry in the 9 years we’ve known each other, so you know…). I needed to get it off my chest. All the anger, the sadness. And then I felt better. He made me feel better. Made me feel human. Made me feel not like a huge mistake.

That night I sent Alan a text, saying that I had sent the package off and that I put a letter in the package as well. That I didn’t have much more to say, or rather that it didn’t make sense to say any more.
He answered pretty quickly: “Ok thanks. I don’t know what to say about this. I didn’t think my decision of not seeing you would get that bad of a consequence. But I have to accept this.”
I didn’t know whether I should have laughed about this or cried. To me it sounded like a 5yo boy, how was told not to do a certain thing, and then when you would snatch his favourite toy away, he’d say he didn’t realise what was going on. I had told him so many times that I felt depressed about all of this. And now he acts like he didn’t realise it was that bad?! And why just accept it? Why not fight for something you love?! I would have never just accepted a reaction like this. I would have wanted to know what the hell was going on, and what I could do against it.

The next day when the package arrived he sent me this:
“Thanks for the package. Sadly the tshirt didn’t smell like you anymore, because that was the first thing I did. Tell me how much money I owe you…
I haven’t read the letter until the end yet. I can’t right now. Give me some time, please.”
This showed me, that he still did love me. That emotions were there. But I am no fan of having to break up just to be able for that someone show me how he feels. I’ve done this one too many times in the last few years (Stan and Momo especially). I told him that he should just take his time and if he ever felt the need to answer any of my questions, he could.

I haven’t heard from him since. And I don’t expect to, if I’m being honest. I don’t know what to expect. We’re still friends on social media, so that’s a plus (he’s told me that he usually deletes his ex-girlfriends everywhere, he does not want to be in contact with them)…
I’m not sure if he can change what I’m asking him to. I don’t even know if I still want him to change. Do I want this relationship? I really can’t tell. Right now it’s in Alan’s hand to change our future. I’m doing good without him. It is weird to look around and find memories of him. Of us. I still have the pictures of us on my phone and hung up in my room. There definitely still is hope that things will turn out to be good. But I’m not sure if he can do it in time. Because I know, the longer he waits, the more my emotions will have faded. And he probably cannot or will not take the time to really think about it, but rather try to forget it. It’s how he rolls.

We’ll see. For now we’re broken up (although I still talk about my boyfriend, when someone asks).

the conversation afterwards. | part 1.

You probably might ask, how things went afterwards. I was very hurt. And very angry. It doesn’t happen a lot. But I actually punched a wall, because I needed to get the anger out. A few knuckles turned blue, but I’m a coward. I didn’t really punch that wall. But I wasn’t in the mood to play any more games.

2 hours after he left (8pm), he texted me “are you back home?” I wasn’t in the mood to talk. Or hear anything from him. I was just disappointed, like I probably have never been before. So I told him at 10pm that I indeed was home, but wasn’t in the mood to talk to him. He said I should text him once I wanted to.

I will just copy the conversation we had afterwards, and let you decide what you think of it:

[At 11pm I texted him]:
Look. I’m just disappointed. That feeling I described, that I’m very far down on your priority list has been there for a while. I always searched for excuses or why’s. Why you told me you didn’t have time for me, but then slept till 3pm and spent the evening at your mom’s. Why you can’t be home when you know exactly when I’m gonna be there [we have a 1.5hour drive between us]. Why you drive to pick up a client, when somewhen else could have and you actually promised me to come over. Why you went abroad and didn’t take me with you. I always searched for a reason and sympathised, but in the end it didn’t change how it felt to me. I felt like crap. Each time a little bit more. I tried to put all my free time towards you, I drove to your place straight after work, just to wait in front of your door. You couldn’t have even picked me up in the car park… although I have been getting used to this by now. I canceled my friend’s plan, just to sit on your couch for 5 hours because you had to write yet another essay. And then I started to ask myself, why I was putting all my energy into this, when I was getting back nothing at all? No, I loved doing these things, that’s not the problem. But a relationship should be about “giving and taking”… on both sides. And it didn’t feel like that to me anymore. A lot of little things have been building up.

And then I told you, and you just said “okay”, so it just confirmed my feelings once more. It hurts, that somehow it’s always all about you. I felt really low when I told you about the call from my gynecologist. And you didn’t even ask. You just said “oh okay” and kept on telling me about your cars. That hurt.
Yes, I’m a person that has to be read, and I don’t want to always have to tell you how I feel. And I know that it’s not an easy task, because you just don’t know me quite good enough for that. But when I read your letter, it just approved once more what I thought. You’re putting the blame on me once more, instead of searching a fault in your own behaviour for once (or at least that’s how it felt to me).

I didn’t want to go to that festival, because it’s a room full of people. Any flash of genius? Yes, I’m getting panic attacks in there. I didn’t want to go to the movies, because I don’t always want to see the movies YOU want to see. I asked you several times, if and what you wanted to do. And then I get a letter saying “I’d rather go home and study than this”. It hurt a lot.
The fact that you talked to my mother this long, is not a problem – of course it isn’t. But instead of just saying sorry or thinking about how it made me feel, you just once more hit back saying “you could’ve joined us”.. really? I don’t always want to be hit back, when I tell you how I feel. I want you to think about how I feel, instead of just hitting back over and over again.

I want YOU to want to be with me, without me telling you. I want you to take the time for me, without writing essays or cuddling with my cats, when I tell you 5 seconds before that I like you caressing my arm. Yes, I do understand that you’re soon taking exams and need to study. You’re stressed and don’t have that much time, that’s all good. But this just has been way too much for me and it was a punch in my face…

I don’t even want to discuss this anymore, because I feel there’s nothing to be gained. You do not try to understand me – or that’s how I feel. And that’s why I usually just sit on my mouth. And once more I don’t even know why I’m writing this, because it’s not gonna change a thing. I’m going to bed now, I wish you would just try to understand me a little bit…

I didn’t know what to expect. I just wanted him to say sorry. I wanted him to understand, that he’s made a mistake. That his behaviour has been… he’s been an asshole, let’s be honest.

I didn’t expect what actually awaited me…