feelings

Broken

I guess the final breakup has really settled in now. I have been emotionless all day. A first reminder of a beginning depression episode. And now I am crying over it. I am crying for no reason. I started crying because of a TV show, and all of a sudden I am crying about all my failures and faults in my entire life.

I knew he would not text me again. Not after my confessions. Not after telling him that our relationship lays in his hands from now on. I have finished the letter today. The one I had been writing on since I came back from holidays. Because I knew I would not be able to do so, once I realised he was gone for good. I knew I needed to write the words down before the tears came. And now they’re here. I am so sad. I don’t even know what about. There hasn’t been much more lost than 4 weeks ago. But it hurts that much more to let the breakup in my heart. Let it shatter the pieces that have been mended for a short amount of time. It hurts all over again. No matter how much I told myself I would be okay. That I probably wouldn’t even want this relationship anymore. My heart has broken again today. Realising that he’s gone. Really gone.

Another failed relationship? My obviously failure of keeping anyone close? Of not pushing them away after a few months? Of having a family? Of loving someone? Of not being important to anyone in my miserable life? I do not know what exactly hurts this much. But I can feel physical pain by now. And I have been wishing to just not be here anymore. I can’t get through another heartbreak. How many more times? I can’t do this any longer. I’m broken.

failed attempt to save anything.

That guy actually amazes me. Unfortunately in a negative way.

I think I’ve mentioned in my last post, that I had written him a message at 4am in the morning that I needed some kind of answer of him. As I said I did not get an answer although he’d been online on facebook and instagram. He did say later on, that his WhatsApp wasn’t functioning properly, which is bullshit. If the internet hadn’t worked, the message wouldn’t have gotten through straight away. But who am I to blame him for lying. There are other problems.

So last night he had the guts to finally reply, woop. What he said made me laugh and cry at the same time:

I don’t have your letter with me and as I’ve said before, I have not read it to the end yet, because I didn’t feel like I could do it. Considering all of this I don’t think a relationship would be able to bloom, if our communication is gonna be mainly by texting. More often than not tedious misunderstandings have come out of this and I fear this will be continuing… right now I don’t know what you think about this, as I don’t have your letter with me – sorry. What do you think about this?

As said, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Our communication was mainly by texting, because he didn’t have the guts to talk to me face to face. He was the one to deny coming over. He just said “okay” or talked about something else when I did mention our problems. So how can he put the blame on me now? Also there have never been any misunderstandings, rather him not reading what I actually wrote and getting angry about nothing at all. Not doing what I asked him to do, and then me getting mad at this. If he thinks those have been misunderstandings… oh well.

And who even does that? Going away on a trip, not reading a letter your exgirlfriend sent you or at least taking with you, if you don’t have the guts to read it at that moment?! I would have never done this. How can one just shut off his brain for 3 weeks? That’s just insane and proves how emotionally unavailable he is.

I replied. Of course I did.

Okay. If you don’t see any future in this… then so be it.

If I wouldn’t have had any more hope – or however you want to call this – I would have not tried to talk to you any longer after my letter. For some reason I have once more written a 3-paged-letter by now, which in this case I will not send to you.
I really don’t know anymore what to think, feel or hope for. The only thing I know is, that this situation is depressing me and hurts (and I don’t mean this to sound like an accusation). In one way not to know what is going on, on the other side not being able to do anything about it. For me it’s really hard – and that’s what I wrote in the letter – that you have completely shut off for the last 2 weeks. So far that I can’t even tell if you even have any feelings left.

But whatever. You don’t want to talk about this by text, which I do understand. So yeah… enjoy the rest of your trip.

And let’s guess once more what happened?

Yeah right. Nothing.

He has been online this far. Didn’t feel the need to say anything about this anymore. But who am I kidding? I didn’t even expect him to.
And I’m done. I’m just so done with all of this. Why should I even bother trying to save a relationship that means all the work lays on my side? If he had really loved me, he would have tried to save something. Not just accepted the fact that I ended things. But as a friend of mine said yesterday: “this just proves one more time: having a high IQ doesn’t mean you have any social ability to communicate”

I’m gonna delete his number, so not to have a chance to text him any longer. And I will tell him beforehand that I will. If he can’t end things for real, I need to shut off any way to communicate with him.

Moving on? It’s hard.

I just woke up from a dream about Alan. 

I was watching a snapchat story of him making fun of a spelling mistake he’d made, writing on a f*cking napkin. When I rewatched it to catch the actual spelling mistake (which was ‘falll’) I also glimpsed the word ‘goodbye’. That caught my eye. Then I watched it over and over again to realise it was a letter to me. The reply. I screenshoted it, so I could actually read it in peace.

The only phrase I actually remember is “I have to say goodbye to you” and something along the lines of “I love you but I can’t endure this.”
I. Need. To. Move. On.
My dreams keep telling me not to have any hope. He has not answered my message from 2 days ago so far (neutral one). He’s been liking random girls on instagram (did I mention? Social media is toxic). And for those reasons I probably won’t send the letter to him, I have been writing on since Sunday.

I did however text him right now (it is 4am) that I need some kind of (short) answer to my letter, because I cannot live on like this. That I am having problems at school because of this and want the daydreaming and nightmares to stop. We’ll see. 

Do I expect an answer any time soon? No. 

Do I expect a positive answer? No. 

Do I think this will end up in a breakup for good? Yes.

But I need a reality check to move on, no matter how much this hurts. I did however apologise for bothering him on his holidays. I did think that I might be able to hold it off until after his holidays. But I really can’t. My body is telling me to stop. I’m constantly nauseous and am having stomach ache. I really need to move on from this. So why can’t I?

PS: it is now 2 hours later. He has been online the entire time on facebook. He didn’t feel the need to answer my message. I don’t think I have ever met anyone that has been such an asshole my entire life. Not even Stan has treated me that poorly. Which is saying something! I can’t. I just don’t understand that this should have been love. I would never in my life treat anyone I once loved like this. That is just… no respect at all. And (I wish) I am so done.

Welcome back

I wish I could say the time abroad had helped. It actually did. For the time being. I did not have any access to internet, which happened to be my safe haven. 

The first 2 days were the worst. I missed him so much. I was not able to sleep without a tear lost in the sheets. I hugged the pillows, daydreaming about being with him.

He asked me to tell him whether I had landed safely before my flight took off (so some caring is still left in there -somewhere, out of my reach). But apart from making sure we both survived the flights, there was no more contact. And it turned out to be a good thing for me.

By day 3 I had gotten used to the idea of being without him. Of this breakup I had intended. I kept everything bad about him in mind, which helped a lot. I got to a stage where it didn’t hurt to think about him anymore. Where I was just wondering whether he’s having a nice trip. But there still was a daydreaming part of being away with him. Of picking him up at the airport in 2 weeks to welcome him back. But I’m scared. And I can’t do it. I fear his reaction.

I have written a letter to him since I’ve come back home. I’m not sure if I will ever send it. But I need to point my emotions towards something. And there is still some tiny spark of hope left in me. For whatever reason. Is unknown even to me.

As I said things were good until I got home. I switched the internet back on. Even received a message from him, which I did not expect at all (although it was all neutral about his trip)… and then logged onto my facebook. 2 weekish ago I have talked to Ken again. He has a girlfriend now, so all is good. We became friends on facebook once more. I did put a status that I’d be abroad when I left. Ken commented “why did you not tell me earlier?” (he works at the airport). Alan liked his comment, rather than my status. Alan knows that Ken is my ex. And part of our story. Which just once more shows me that… I can’t even explain what. It just told me that he thinks my ex is more involved in my life than he is. There were so many comments, but he only liked this damned one. Although he should have known that I did not want to see Ken again. He knew we were not on good terms before (maybe that’s the problem, because all of a sudden we are?!)

I hate the internet right now. I really do. It makes me stalk him. It makes me mad and sad. I wish I could leave it all behind. Live in peace. I did not bother about him not texting me all week long when I was ‘offline’. But as soon as I had access to internet again, I got upset because I knew he had been online and didn’t text me. How wicked is this brain?!

I just can’t do this anymore. I wish I could just let go of that hope that is still left in me. I really don’t know why I cling onto it. He gives me no reason whatsoever. He does not tell me anything friendly, even less romantically. He has not given me an answer to my last letter. There’s nothing. And he seems happy abroad. Without me. He seems fine with this breakup. As he said, he probably has just “accepted it” and moved on. As he said he would right in the beginning of this relationship. Not the one. Next one.

I should just leave it be. Get over this mess I created myself.

the breakup.

I need to type this out before my mind gets blurred with thoughts about possible cancer (I’m having the appointment this afternoon – or rather had, once you’re reading this).

So. I was at work when I read Alan’s message. I was angry and mad, about his nonexistent love. I just couldn’t understand how one could just say nothing to your girlfriend breaking up with you. How?

I didn’t write again. I sent Mr. Cucu a 15 minute-voice record whilst I actually started crying (he hasn’t seen or heard me cry in the 9 years we’ve known each other, so you know…). I needed to get it off my chest. All the anger, the sadness. And then I felt better. He made me feel better. Made me feel human. Made me feel not like a huge mistake.

That night I sent Alan a text, saying that I had sent the package off and that I put a letter in the package as well. That I didn’t have much more to say, or rather that it didn’t make sense to say any more.
He answered pretty quickly: “Ok thanks. I don’t know what to say about this. I didn’t think my decision of not seeing you would get that bad of a consequence. But I have to accept this.”
I didn’t know whether I should have laughed about this or cried. To me it sounded like a 5yo boy, how was told not to do a certain thing, and then when you would snatch his favourite toy away, he’d say he didn’t realise what was going on. I had told him so many times that I felt depressed about all of this. And now he acts like he didn’t realise it was that bad?! And why just accept it? Why not fight for something you love?! I would have never just accepted a reaction like this. I would have wanted to know what the hell was going on, and what I could do against it.

The next day when the package arrived he sent me this:
“Thanks for the package. Sadly the tshirt didn’t smell like you anymore, because that was the first thing I did. Tell me how much money I owe you…
I haven’t read the letter until the end yet. I can’t right now. Give me some time, please.”
This showed me, that he still did love me. That emotions were there. But I am no fan of having to break up just to be able for that someone show me how he feels. I’ve done this one too many times in the last few years (Stan and Momo especially). I told him that he should just take his time and if he ever felt the need to answer any of my questions, he could.

I haven’t heard from him since. And I don’t expect to, if I’m being honest. I don’t know what to expect. We’re still friends on social media, so that’s a plus (he’s told me that he usually deletes his ex-girlfriends everywhere, he does not want to be in contact with them)…
I’m not sure if he can change what I’m asking him to. I don’t even know if I still want him to change. Do I want this relationship? I really can’t tell. Right now it’s in Alan’s hand to change our future. I’m doing good without him. It is weird to look around and find memories of him. Of us. I still have the pictures of us on my phone and hung up in my room. There definitely still is hope that things will turn out to be good. But I’m not sure if he can do it in time. Because I know, the longer he waits, the more my emotions will have faded. And he probably cannot or will not take the time to really think about it, but rather try to forget it. It’s how he rolls.

We’ll see. For now we’re broken up (although I still talk about my boyfriend, when someone asks).

the conversation afterwards. | part 1.

You probably might ask, how things went afterwards. I was very hurt. And very angry. It doesn’t happen a lot. But I actually punched a wall, because I needed to get the anger out. A few knuckles turned blue, but I’m a coward. I didn’t really punch that wall. But I wasn’t in the mood to play any more games.

2 hours after he left (8pm), he texted me “are you back home?” I wasn’t in the mood to talk. Or hear anything from him. I was just disappointed, like I probably have never been before. So I told him at 10pm that I indeed was home, but wasn’t in the mood to talk to him. He said I should text him once I wanted to.

I will just copy the conversation we had afterwards, and let you decide what you think of it:

[At 11pm I texted him]:
Look. I’m just disappointed. That feeling I described, that I’m very far down on your priority list has been there for a while. I always searched for excuses or why’s. Why you told me you didn’t have time for me, but then slept till 3pm and spent the evening at your mom’s. Why you can’t be home when you know exactly when I’m gonna be there [we have a 1.5hour drive between us]. Why you drive to pick up a client, when somewhen else could have and you actually promised me to come over. Why you went abroad and didn’t take me with you. I always searched for a reason and sympathised, but in the end it didn’t change how it felt to me. I felt like crap. Each time a little bit more. I tried to put all my free time towards you, I drove to your place straight after work, just to wait in front of your door. You couldn’t have even picked me up in the car park… although I have been getting used to this by now. I canceled my friend’s plan, just to sit on your couch for 5 hours because you had to write yet another essay. And then I started to ask myself, why I was putting all my energy into this, when I was getting back nothing at all? No, I loved doing these things, that’s not the problem. But a relationship should be about “giving and taking”… on both sides. And it didn’t feel like that to me anymore. A lot of little things have been building up.

And then I told you, and you just said “okay”, so it just confirmed my feelings once more. It hurts, that somehow it’s always all about you. I felt really low when I told you about the call from my gynecologist. And you didn’t even ask. You just said “oh okay” and kept on telling me about your cars. That hurt.
Yes, I’m a person that has to be read, and I don’t want to always have to tell you how I feel. And I know that it’s not an easy task, because you just don’t know me quite good enough for that. But when I read your letter, it just approved once more what I thought. You’re putting the blame on me once more, instead of searching a fault in your own behaviour for once (or at least that’s how it felt to me).

I didn’t want to go to that festival, because it’s a room full of people. Any flash of genius? Yes, I’m getting panic attacks in there. I didn’t want to go to the movies, because I don’t always want to see the movies YOU want to see. I asked you several times, if and what you wanted to do. And then I get a letter saying “I’d rather go home and study than this”. It hurt a lot.
The fact that you talked to my mother this long, is not a problem – of course it isn’t. But instead of just saying sorry or thinking about how it made me feel, you just once more hit back saying “you could’ve joined us”.. really? I don’t always want to be hit back, when I tell you how I feel. I want you to think about how I feel, instead of just hitting back over and over again.

I want YOU to want to be with me, without me telling you. I want you to take the time for me, without writing essays or cuddling with my cats, when I tell you 5 seconds before that I like you caressing my arm. Yes, I do understand that you’re soon taking exams and need to study. You’re stressed and don’t have that much time, that’s all good. But this just has been way too much for me and it was a punch in my face…

I don’t even want to discuss this anymore, because I feel there’s nothing to be gained. You do not try to understand me – or that’s how I feel. And that’s why I usually just sit on my mouth. And once more I don’t even know why I’m writing this, because it’s not gonna change a thing. I’m going to bed now, I wish you would just try to understand me a little bit…

I didn’t know what to expect. I just wanted him to say sorry. I wanted him to understand, that he’s made a mistake. That his behaviour has been… he’s been an asshole, let’s be honest.

I didn’t expect what actually awaited me…

Just words.

Today.
After he said he doesn’t watch the movies I want to see… I was done. I left the room and went on the  balcony to not lash out on him. I knew I was on edge and would totally flip out if he started a conversation. I was done always doing what he wanted. Always him first. The way things have been going the last 3 months.

A few minutes after, he came outside. Once again in a very dismissive way, asking what the fuck my problem was. I told him that he never wants to actually spend time with me. He didn’t understand. Of course he didn’t. He never does. So I said “first you come over on Thursday and write 2 fucking hours on your fuckin essay, you said you just had to send to your teacher. Then last night you rather talk 2 fuckin hours to my mother, than come to bed with me…”
He said: “Well, you could have just joined us!” Me: “Yeah whatever. I know which place I take on your priority list by now!” I got up and walked away. He just said “okay” and went into my room. I left the house. I was done with all this shit. The only thing he had to say to any of this was “okay”?! Seriously? If I had any sort of importance to him, he would have said what priority I had – or at least that’s what I would do. But this just tells me that I don’t. That it really is what it feels like to me. Nothing. Everybody else first.

I stayed outside for probably 30 minutes. When I wanted to get up, I saw that he was leaving the house (I sat behind a wall, close to my home). I waited till he was around the corner and went home.
My mom came to my room and asked what was wrong. I told her my side of the story. She said that he had asked where I usually went when I was like that and – rightfully – she said, that there was no point in searching for me, as I usually don’t want to be found. That I get out, when I need to not-explode or rather do it, when no one is around (which totally is what I do). He just told her that he didn’t understand what the problem was (although in my opinion I told him pretty clearly). Afterwards he told her, that he had to study and will get home.

I came home to a letter from him laying on my bed:

Baby, due to my upcoming important exams, I decided to go home and study. I came here to spend time with you, but if you don’t feel like talking to me, going to the cinema or to the city, or talking to me and your mum, I have to focus on my exams that are taking place in just 10 days. After all, I love you and don’t want to lose you.

Seriously? Is this all you’re gonna say to this blow up? So this just made me so much more angry. He just doesn’t get me.
As if it was just my fault. Once more. It is my fault that he’s going home. Because I don’t talk to him. Don’t want to go to a place, where I will get a panic attack, or go see a movie I don’t want to see. Because I don’t want to talk to him, when he’s on his phone all the fucking time?! Because I’m boring, when I don’t want to do things (although I asked him 5 times what he wanted to do)? Because I don’t put him before me? Because that’s all that is. Not him coming first and therefore he can go home and study, because that’s time better spent than with your crazy ass girlfriend, that wants some love. Better than just hanging around and spending quality time with your girlfriend. Yeah, I’d rather study as well in that case. Totally makes so much sense. [/irony off]

He talks a lot. He tells me cute things, yes. But he doesn’t show me. There is no action that proves his words, so they mean nothing to me. Just like Stan’s words didn’t mean a thing, as his actions spoke otherwise.

I’m not sure if I can do this any longer. It hurts so much. And my mom is right. He couldn’t have done the right thing at the moment. If he’d stayed, I wouldn’t have been happy, and that he left made me angry as well. I had just hoped he would understand. But he doesn’t. And I don’t know if I really want to put so much energy in a relationship, that is one-sided. At least emotionally. He cannot get my feelings, and I’m a person that needs to be read. I don’t like to talk about things. I need someone to just hold me, when they realise I’m upset. I don’t want them to just make a joke. To sweep things under the rug. Because when I told him last week that I might have cancer, he didn’t lose a word to it. He just kept on telling me about his fucking crap cars. That’s how this relationship has been going. Me telling him things that upset me, and him just talking on as if I hadn’t mentioned anything. No sort of affection or empathy.

Of course he did write things like he doesn’t want to lose me in his letter and that he loves me. But I couldn’t feel a thing when reading it. It was just words. Putting the blame on me. Again.

Just words.