a date with P?

Okay this is going to be all over the place, just like my head. Excuse the loooong ramble.

As I mentioned in my last post, when I finally wanted to end things with P for good… he asked for another date. I honestly did not expect this to ever happen. It’s not like it was the first time we had talked about it, so when we had no contact till Thursday I didn’t think he would go through with it. Thursday night I texted him asking about the time and place, and got really mad at him for not being able to simply tell me a place (we texted back and forth for probably an hour until we had semi-set a place). I got even more mad, when he told me he had an appointment that evening. Why suggest that date then?! At some point I simply told him to let me know the next day when I should be where and went to sleep. When I didn’t hear from him till I finished my shift on Friday afternoon, I did not expect the date to happen at all and was actually looking forward to a relaxed evening in bed. I wasn’t particularly sad.

Well. Long story short, he did text me and we approved the date and place. I still did not believe in it happening, even when I was driving to the place… only when he texted me he was gonna be late, I realised that I was actually about to see him. I wasn’t even nervous at all, it was all so weird. A friend had been asking how I felt about it and I was surprised how casually I took this. For me it was simply a dinner with a friend. Of course in the back of my mind were all the dates we’ve had before. But it had been 6 months, and after what happened with Kenny… well P was just a friend.

For me there were two options of what may happen:

  • Either we were having dinner, talking and then leave again. Just being friendly, a catch-up and would go our ways. Or:
  • We would kiss and everything would be back to how things were before his dad passed away last September.

There was no other option for me at that point. Little did I know what was about to happen….

So he turned up 20 minutes late, making me feel really awkward sitting in a restaurant by myself. There were no butterflies when he walked in. I was just happy to see him, but nothing more than with a friend. Which was fine by me. He kissed my cheek to say hello and we started talking. It was an easy conversation, we had a lot to catch up on. I talked a lot. Like… a lot. We were there for probably 2 hours when he asked if I wanted to go out. He knows this is not a question to ask, especially when I had an early shift. I was already so sleepy and he was making fun of me for it. Well, in the end we were talking about a TV show I was missing out on because of our date and he simply said, we could go back to his place to watch it. I figured, why not?

So we did that 20 minutes drive to his home. It was weird driving there, remembering how I felt the last time I drove there (which was our weekend we spent together and I was so in love and happy) – it felt like an eternity. Well it is. 6 months.
We weren’t even really in his flat, when he grabbed me and hugged me. This kind of surprised me, I did not expect him to move on that quickly. I knew from the way he had started looking at me at the restaurant, that he would kiss me at some point. He had that look again. The one that made me so sure of the last time, that he was indeed in love. And although it was very flattering, it also was kind of uncomfortable.
Anyway. So he grabbed my hips and looked at me and I knew he was about to kiss me. But I just… I couldn’t. I then simply hugged him, so I didn’t have to look at him. I’m sure it hurt him and it wasn’t my plan to do so, but I was just overwhelmed with that situation right then.

We went to the couch and cuddled and watched my TV show. He was hugging me close, trying to kiss me every now and then, but I simply never looked at him straight, so there was no option. Well at some point he went to grab the remote control and was over me, and kissed me. It was okay. It was the way it was before…

My emotions lacked. There were no butterflies this time around. My mind wandered. To why that was, to Kenny, to everything apart from what it should have been: simple pleasure.

It was all back to how we left it off in September, so what is wrong with me? That’s what I had wished for for the last 6 months, and now that I was back to it, it felt so… off?
I still can’t quite put my finger on it. I knew when I was thinking of Kenny, that this was not the right thing to do. P wanted me to stay the night. He actually just figured I would, but even when I was driving there, I knew I would not. I had an excuse (babysitting me nephew this morning) and that was it. He did try to get into my pants, but I told him to stop. He did ask why, but I simply didn’t want to for several reasons (which obviously I didn’t tell him):
One being that he had regretted the last time we did it. I was not about to get hurt again, simply because his dick owned his brain again. I wanted it to be right. For him as well.
Second, because I had been to the gyn, because Kenny had left me some kind of present down there. I didn’t want to sleep with him, before I got the results back about me being clear (which I got in the mail, but I didn’t see that last night, did I?).
Third: it simply didn’t feel right. For me it was simply a hook up, my feelings weren’t there and I was not about to let what happened with Kenny… I didn’t want to relive this. I wasn’t sure whether P was simply horny because he hadn’t had sex since September (he doesn’t know about Kenny by the way), or if he actually had missed ME. It didn’t feel that way, but then I’m really bad at reading him. And I wasn’t ready to be just a hook up. Again.

Well, long story short, he tried to talk me into staying, but I finally left at 1am. He kissed me goodbye and said to hopefully see me again. I jokingly said in 6 months and he said “hopefully sooner though”.

Now my lack of emotions leave me speechless. I don’t know if I just finally have gotten to terms of being single. Maybe I just turned my emotions or rather vulnerability off after what happened with Kenny. Maybe I’m still too hurt by what has happened with Kenny. Maybe it’s simply too late? I’ve given P so many chances to meet up or make things up, and he never wanted to. Only when I wanted to cut the straw, he finally agreed to meet up. You know what I mean? This all feels so forced. I know he has feelings from the way he looked at me… but I’m really not sure whether I can date him right now. I’m not at the right place, and this is crazy considering I waited for 6 months for this to happen. And now that it has, it’s off. Maybe we really have missed the turning point.
I just… when I was laying on his couch, I all of a sudden thought about how I wouldn’t feel good to live there. Whilst last autumn I would have moved there in an instant. But then I’m head over heels when I’m in love. Maybe this is good. Maybe this will buy us some time, because I’m so confused. I don’t know.

It feels very very wrong. Mostly I’m scared to hurt him. That after all that time I told him I’d wait and whatever, if we start dating and my feelings don’t come back… I don’t want to hurt him. He’s a good guy, but too much has happened. Maybe I just need some time. Maybe I need some reassurance. Most of all I need him to text me, because I haven’t heard from him since I left last night and I would at least expect a “it was nice to see you” or “have you arrived home safely?” It’s the kind of thing I would do. But then I know it’s not his thing. I told him I was bothered by our lack of communication via text, but he just shrugged it off. It’s just him. But I also know I can’t be with someone, that doesn’t text. I mean it’s okay not to live with your mobile phone attached to your hand. But a text every other day isn’t too much to ask for, right?

I don’t know. It all just feels kind of messed up. And I don’t even know what to feel anymore, which is not what I need right now. I had hoped it would sort things out and not make them even worse.
I was doing so much better about the Kenny-thing. I didn’t think of him all the time and I don’t get that stomach pang anymore when I thought of him, so I figured I was over him. But when I thought about him when P kissed me, I knew I was nowhere as close to getting over him as I had thought. And that just sucks.

My life is just a mess. Sometimes I really think it would be worth a movie *lol*


another talk with Kenny

I had a rough night last night. The last few days have gone by surprisingly well, without dwelling on Kenny too much. I was actually quite surprised about how good I was dealing with it, considering how low I had been on Thursday. But then last night happened. The good thing was, since I had night shifts before, I was able to sleep whenever I felt tired and there was no sleep cycle needed. Today I had to work an early shift and therefore get into bed at some reasonable time. I went to bed around 9pm, turned off my series… and then it started. Everything came back. Flash backs of how Kenny looked at me, how he stroked me and whatever. So I turned the series back on, knowing very well I would not get enough sleep,… but everything that was not connected to Kenny would be fine by me.

When I drove to work this morning a song came on the radio that describes the situation with Kenny and I perfectly. So I simply sent him the link to it without any comment and turned my phone off. I did not expect him to react, or at least not positively. Especially since he hasn’t replied to my question last Friday of why we would never have more than just physical attraction.

Well he asked me how I was after saying that the song described us very well and I said I was dealing somehow. He simply stated “and it’s my fault…” I wanted to deny it at first, but we both would have known that’d be a lie so I said the situation has just made me realise a lot of bad things in my life and that’s why I was struggling (which is true!). He once more said “yeah,  but because of me!”
so I said: “Kenny, if it doesn’t work for one, it’s always going to be shitty for the other one. That’s life!”
Him: Of course that’s true… but I honestly don’t believe it would be right for you to be with me.
Me: Why do you think that?
Him: You may know me for a long time… but not very well :-/
Me: You sure?
Him: Yep 🙂
Me: I can’t tell.. but if you think so.
Him: M, I honestly like you and I think you’re awesome! But we’re not meant for each other…
Me: I’ve understood that, but I just wonder why you’re so sure of this?

And that’s when he stopped replying again. He always stops when I ask him why. Why no feelings. Why no chance. Why whatever. He never replies. And I talked to a friend about this and I guess there are 2 main options:

  • One: he has feelings, but doesn’t want to confront himself with them. He’s scared to fail. Maybe scared that he wouldn’t be enough for me, once I know him. Maybe scared that I’ll leave him once and for all, if it doesn’t work out. Or he’s simply scared of these feelings as they are. Blunt.
  • Two: He literally has no feelings, but doesn’t want to give me away entirely. Like, this way he knows he can suck me back in and get what he wants every now and then. If he tells me he has no feelings, he knows it is done for me. Like.. entirely. No more kissing or anything else. Just. Done.

Even though you might think I’m stupid, I still believe in option 1. Simply because of the way he acts and words things. I can’t see him not having feelings. Why would he say the relationship wouldn’t work for ME, when he could tell me it doesn’t work for HIM?! If he wants to get rid of me, why not just tell me that he can’t be with me for reason 1, 2 and 3. You get me?!
He has some sort of feelings, I’ve felt it when we spent time together. And whilst it is true that I don’t know him the best, I’m sure I know a lot of what is going on in his mind when it comes to feelings (not with me involved, but other stuff).
I don’t know what his problem is, and I guess I’ll just have to let it be. Because it seems like I won’t ever get an answer to that. Which is sad, because it is the one thing that would let me being able to let go of him. But oh well… this conversation made me realise that I have let him go mostly already. I did not get that weird gut feeling I usually do when I get dumped. There were no tears. It was just getting in the facts to move on.

talk about us

You see, I’ve met someone new, so here’s to daily posts again, because self-conciousness has kicked in again. Why though? Maybe because he looks like Mr. perfect (in appearance to me)? Or because his personality seems so sweet and nice to me? Yeah, I guess it is one of the very many reasons for my self-conciousness.

Here’s the thing: it seems to be an issue for paraplegic.
Not an issue per se so not to date me, but he has mentioned it a few times already (once on the date itself).

Anyway, to cut things shortish: As I mentioned yesterday, he had been “away” all weekend. I’m not sure whether he had been so busy or just didn’t want to interrupt my time with the kiddos, since he once more told me I was the busy one (because I didn’t have the weekend free for him). But he did text me last night and he asked when I was free this week to meet up. So all my worries about him not wanting to see me again were off.

Anyway, so we settled for Thursday. Again. I would have been free today and tomorrow, but since I have been experiencing bad cramps all weekend, I didn’t want to push my luck.

Then I did the first stupid thing. I told him that he was not going out of my mind. He just asked what he could do about it, to which I said he should stop ghosting around in my head. The conversation then turned to our kissing because of a picture I sent him (he said he liked our kissing chemistry).
Today I was still stupid and kept saying things. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I need to cut back on telling him my feelings, since he seems to not like it or is overwhelmed. I do not know (well my friend just said he might be careful as not to rush things into something that is not meant to happen – on the other hand he was the one to kiss and fumble on a first date… you know it’s just confusing to me!)

He told me today, that the weather is going to be bad (again) this Thursday and I offered to see him today, which he didn’t want to since he was already on his way home (don’t really know what the problem is with that, but that’s alright). Then the following dialogue happened:

Me: See, at least my cats want to see me *sending him a pictures of my needy cats*
Him: Well, they kind of have to
Me: Okay. I’ve gotten the message now…
Him: Why? I don’t have to see you,… but we are meeting up again, so that speaks for itself!
Me: Yeah, I do know that you don’t have to miss me
Him: Do you have to miss me?
Me: No, I don’t have to… but I do. [next wrong turn]
Him (20minutes later): Ouch… how can I change that?
Me: I told you yesterday already that you should stop ghosting around in my head. But it’s alright, it is still bearable right now
Him: And what are you going to do once it isn’t bearable anymore?
Me: Stand in front of your door *lol*
[ when I didn’t get a reply in 1.5 hours and saw that he had been online, I sent another text ]
Me: You don’t have to worry, I will not come to your door like a psycho. But I guess I need to learn and not wear my heart on my sleeves with you. I feel like telling everything that is going on in my mind and I forget that people may be overwhelmed with that. I am sorry.
Him: I do not worry of you being a psycho and coming to my door, and even if it would be like that.. it wouldn’t be a big deal. And I am not as easily overwhelmed as you think.
Me: Anyway, I feel like it’s not helping us. I don’t know
Him: I understand you, very much so. But it’s dangerous to precipitately dive into something.. I’m gonna tell you something about me some day (not by chat)
Me: I don’t want to rush things! I just want to get to know you better and meet you, because I think you’re such a cool person with a lot of characteristics I like. So I’m worried I will do things wrong and therefore talk before I think. I want us to take our time. I didn’t mean to stress you out.
Him: Don’t worry, just tell me what you want. I can filter what is important to me. Thank you, that’s very cute. I do think you’re very sympathetic yourself – you just need to up your self-confidence in your appearance, then it will be perfect. And swear a little less *lol*

So. I think it’s a good sign what he said, right?! Although I still haven’t gotten him to tell me how he feels about us, he definitely isn’t pushing me away yet. And I think he’s just not a person to say “I like you” or whatever anytime soon. Which is fine, I’ve been that way before and I will not push him to do it.

But I need to learn and be patient and not fall for him head over heels, because we all know that wouldn’t end well. It seems that he really is an honest and nice man, that doesn’t want to rush things and searches for something serious. So I need to calm the f*ck down, as to not make him run for the hills already. And I definitely will try to do so. Not tell him about any sort of feelings about him (no “I miss you”s or anything the like!). I can do it. Patience is the key. I’ve gotten what I wanted to say off my chest, and it made me feel better for the moment, so here’s to me getting more self-confidence and leaving him be every once in a while. I will update again once I’ve seen him in 3 days.


I guess the final breakup has really settled in now. I have been emotionless all day. A first reminder of a beginning depression episode. And now I am crying over it. I am crying for no reason. I started crying because of a TV show, and all of a sudden I am crying about all my failures and faults in my entire life.

I knew he would not text me again. Not after my confessions. Not after telling him that our relationship lays in his hands from now on. I have finished the letter today. The one I had been writing on since I came back from holidays. Because I knew I would not be able to do so, once I realised he was gone for good. I knew I needed to write the words down before the tears came. And now they’re here. I am so sad. I don’t even know what about. There hasn’t been much more lost than 4 weeks ago. But it hurts that much more to let the breakup in my heart. Let it shatter the pieces that have been mended for a short amount of time. It hurts all over again. No matter how much I told myself I would be okay. That I probably wouldn’t even want this relationship anymore. My heart has broken again today. Realising that he’s gone. Really gone.

Another failed relationship? My obviously failure of keeping anyone close? Of not pushing them away after a few months? Of having a family? Of loving someone? Of not being important to anyone in my miserable life? I do not know what exactly hurts this much. But I can feel physical pain by now. And I have been wishing to just not be here anymore. I can’t get through another heartbreak. How many more times? I can’t do this any longer. I’m broken.

failed attempt to save anything.

That guy actually amazes me. Unfortunately in a negative way.

I think I’ve mentioned in my last post, that I had written him a message at 4am in the morning that I needed some kind of answer of him. As I said I did not get an answer although he’d been online on facebook and instagram. He did say later on, that his WhatsApp wasn’t functioning properly, which is bullshit. If the internet hadn’t worked, the message wouldn’t have gotten through straight away. But who am I to blame him for lying. There are other problems.

So last night he had the guts to finally reply, woop. What he said made me laugh and cry at the same time:

I don’t have your letter with me and as I’ve said before, I have not read it to the end yet, because I didn’t feel like I could do it. Considering all of this I don’t think a relationship would be able to bloom, if our communication is gonna be mainly by texting. More often than not tedious misunderstandings have come out of this and I fear this will be continuing… right now I don’t know what you think about this, as I don’t have your letter with me – sorry. What do you think about this?

As said, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Our communication was mainly by texting, because he didn’t have the guts to talk to me face to face. He was the one to deny coming over. He just said “okay” or talked about something else when I did mention our problems. So how can he put the blame on me now? Also there have never been any misunderstandings, rather him not reading what I actually wrote and getting angry about nothing at all. Not doing what I asked him to do, and then me getting mad at this. If he thinks those have been misunderstandings… oh well.

And who even does that? Going away on a trip, not reading a letter your exgirlfriend sent you or at least taking with you, if you don’t have the guts to read it at that moment?! I would have never done this. How can one just shut off his brain for 3 weeks? That’s just insane and proves how emotionally unavailable he is.

I replied. Of course I did.

Okay. If you don’t see any future in this… then so be it.

If I wouldn’t have had any more hope – or however you want to call this – I would have not tried to talk to you any longer after my letter. For some reason I have once more written a 3-paged-letter by now, which in this case I will not send to you.
I really don’t know anymore what to think, feel or hope for. The only thing I know is, that this situation is depressing me and hurts (and I don’t mean this to sound like an accusation). In one way not to know what is going on, on the other side not being able to do anything about it. For me it’s really hard – and that’s what I wrote in the letter – that you have completely shut off for the last 2 weeks. So far that I can’t even tell if you even have any feelings left.

But whatever. You don’t want to talk about this by text, which I do understand. So yeah… enjoy the rest of your trip.

And let’s guess once more what happened?

Yeah right. Nothing.

He has been online this far. Didn’t feel the need to say anything about this anymore. But who am I kidding? I didn’t even expect him to.
And I’m done. I’m just so done with all of this. Why should I even bother trying to save a relationship that means all the work lays on my side? If he had really loved me, he would have tried to save something. Not just accepted the fact that I ended things. But as a friend of mine said yesterday: “this just proves one more time: having a high IQ doesn’t mean you have any social ability to communicate”

I’m gonna delete his number, so not to have a chance to text him any longer. And I will tell him beforehand that I will. If he can’t end things for real, I need to shut off any way to communicate with him.

Moving on? It’s hard.

I just woke up from a dream about Alan. 

I was watching a snapchat story of him making fun of a spelling mistake he’d made, writing on a f*cking napkin. When I rewatched it to catch the actual spelling mistake (which was ‘falll’) I also glimpsed the word ‘goodbye’. That caught my eye. Then I watched it over and over again to realise it was a letter to me. The reply. I screenshoted it, so I could actually read it in peace.

The only phrase I actually remember is “I have to say goodbye to you” and something along the lines of “I love you but I can’t endure this.”
I. Need. To. Move. On.
My dreams keep telling me not to have any hope. He has not answered my message from 2 days ago so far (neutral one). He’s been liking random girls on instagram (did I mention? Social media is toxic). And for those reasons I probably won’t send the letter to him, I have been writing on since Sunday.

I did however text him right now (it is 4am) that I need some kind of (short) answer to my letter, because I cannot live on like this. That I am having problems at school because of this and want the daydreaming and nightmares to stop. We’ll see. 

Do I expect an answer any time soon? No. 

Do I expect a positive answer? No. 

Do I think this will end up in a breakup for good? Yes.

But I need a reality check to move on, no matter how much this hurts. I did however apologise for bothering him on his holidays. I did think that I might be able to hold it off until after his holidays. But I really can’t. My body is telling me to stop. I’m constantly nauseous and am having stomach ache. I really need to move on from this. So why can’t I?

PS: it is now 2 hours later. He has been online the entire time on facebook. He didn’t feel the need to answer my message. I don’t think I have ever met anyone that has been such an asshole my entire life. Not even Stan has treated me that poorly. Which is saying something! I can’t. I just don’t understand that this should have been love. I would never in my life treat anyone I once loved like this. That is just… no respect at all. And (I wish) I am so done.

Welcome back

I wish I could say the time abroad had helped. It actually did. For the time being. I did not have any access to internet, which happened to be my safe haven. 

The first 2 days were the worst. I missed him so much. I was not able to sleep without a tear lost in the sheets. I hugged the pillows, daydreaming about being with him.

He asked me to tell him whether I had landed safely before my flight took off (so some caring is still left in there -somewhere, out of my reach). But apart from making sure we both survived the flights, there was no more contact. And it turned out to be a good thing for me.

By day 3 I had gotten used to the idea of being without him. Of this breakup I had intended. I kept everything bad about him in mind, which helped a lot. I got to a stage where it didn’t hurt to think about him anymore. Where I was just wondering whether he’s having a nice trip. But there still was a daydreaming part of being away with him. Of picking him up at the airport in 2 weeks to welcome him back. But I’m scared. And I can’t do it. I fear his reaction.

I have written a letter to him since I’ve come back home. I’m not sure if I will ever send it. But I need to point my emotions towards something. And there is still some tiny spark of hope left in me. For whatever reason. Is unknown even to me.

As I said things were good until I got home. I switched the internet back on. Even received a message from him, which I did not expect at all (although it was all neutral about his trip)… and then logged onto my facebook. 2 weekish ago I have talked to Ken again. He has a girlfriend now, so all is good. We became friends on facebook once more. I did put a status that I’d be abroad when I left. Ken commented “why did you not tell me earlier?” (he works at the airport). Alan liked his comment, rather than my status. Alan knows that Ken is my ex. And part of our story. Which just once more shows me that… I can’t even explain what. It just told me that he thinks my ex is more involved in my life than he is. There were so many comments, but he only liked this damned one. Although he should have known that I did not want to see Ken again. He knew we were not on good terms before (maybe that’s the problem, because all of a sudden we are?!)

I hate the internet right now. I really do. It makes me stalk him. It makes me mad and sad. I wish I could leave it all behind. Live in peace. I did not bother about him not texting me all week long when I was ‘offline’. But as soon as I had access to internet again, I got upset because I knew he had been online and didn’t text me. How wicked is this brain?!

I just can’t do this anymore. I wish I could just let go of that hope that is still left in me. I really don’t know why I cling onto it. He gives me no reason whatsoever. He does not tell me anything friendly, even less romantically. He has not given me an answer to my last letter. There’s nothing. And he seems happy abroad. Without me. He seems fine with this breakup. As he said, he probably has just “accepted it” and moved on. As he said he would right in the beginning of this relationship. Not the one. Next one.

I should just leave it be. Get over this mess I created myself.