new guys in the mix

So. Things have been progressing. In a very unexpected way, but whatever. I’ll take it.

Haven’t heard from Kenny since I asked for a why. It’s fine, I’m not too upset. When we were talking, I didn’t get that stomach pain I usually get when someone is about to dump me, so I knew I had somehow already gotten over the fact of not getting together with him. However, someone commented on another post saying she had the feeling, he thinks he’s not deserving of me. Like, he thinks he’s not good enough for me and therefore will hurt me in the long run. “I personally think he actually has strong feelings for you and this is his way of protecting you“. This pretty much sums up what I had wanted to say, but was not able to articulate. But I can’t change it. If he can’t get over his sorry self, then that’s his loss. If we’re meant to be, we’ll end up together somewhen. But it needs to be from both sides and for the time being, I’m moving on.

Then to the unexpected turn: Since I was pretty pissed about every men in the world yesterday, I texted P. I told him “so we’re done now, right? Just so I know!”. I was pretty sure he would not text back, because I was pissing him off..  “I thought we’re going out for dinner some time?” was his reply. And my jaw fell to the floor. Or something like that.
Me:  Well, since we haven’t done so in over 2 months I thought the interest is moderate.
Him: You don’t have to think, you need to know! (yet another of one of his stupid ass comments)
Me: Knowing that there is no interest? Well I guess now I  know 😉
Him: Why?
Me: You said I don’t have to think, just to know.. so since I’m not allowed to think, I just know it
Him: No, but when we go out for dinner or to the movies, both of it is wrong…
Me: Knowing and thinking or what? So what do I need to do then? So let’s set a date and not just talk about it and then stop writing…
Didn’t get a reply for half a day and half-expected this to be it. Then I got this: “you gotta feel it 🙂 when and where do you wanna meet up?” This means he wants me to feel his interest, right? Or am I already reading too much into it? Anyway.

So… we’ve set a date for Friday night in a week. I still do not believe in actually seeing him that day, but I am very eager to find out how this’ll turn out. Talked to a friend about it and she asked if I will be back to how we were in September. But I honestly can’t tell. It’s been 6 months. Lots has happened in the mean time, and we’ve grown apart. But maybe we’re back at where we left? Maybe the spark will return when we stand in front of each other? Maybe there’s nothing left of the feelings I had towards him. I have absolutely no idea… I’ll just be open and see what happens, I guess.

Then to yet another guy… yep that’s me. Chaos.
I told you that I’m still on Tinder. I messaged every match the other day and started messaging back and forth with Marty. I wasn’t too keen on him, but realised he really liked me. So we exchanged numbers and started really talking. Now I actually like him as well…
The thing is, for me he’s not a Tinder guy. We’ve bumped into each other in school before, so I know what he looks like and we’ve seen each other quite a few times (well every morning for a few months, actually). We never talked in real life, so it’s funny to see this happening. He was in a relationship back then, which might explain all of this. But we’re getting along quite good and I can talk to him openly.

I am eager to meet him as well, but as of today I’m not sure what I should do. Wait till I’ve seen P so I don’t get Marty’s hopes up and don’t mix up my own feelings? Marty said he wasn’t ready for a new relationship, because he’s only recently broken up with the girlfriend. But he doesn’t talk like he’s not interested in a relationship either, you know? The flirting is decent, but it’s there. Can we meet up as just friends? I don’t know. I feel like he’s the kind of guy that falls for someone like me. I can’t really explain, it’s just a feeling.
So for now I won’t ask for a date, but I’m pretty sure he will any time soon. I guess I’ll just have to see what happens. I just don’t want to end up hurting one of them, or dating both. That’s not my kind of thing to do (even though you might think so after everything that went on with Kenny). We’ll see.


another talk with Kenny

I had a rough night last night. The last few days have gone by surprisingly well, without dwelling on Kenny too much. I was actually quite surprised about how good I was dealing with it, considering how low I had been on Thursday. But then last night happened. The good thing was, since I had night shifts before, I was able to sleep whenever I felt tired and there was no sleep cycle needed. Today I had to work an early shift and therefore get into bed at some reasonable time. I went to bed around 9pm, turned off my series… and then it started. Everything came back. Flash backs of how Kenny looked at me, how he stroked me and whatever. So I turned the series back on, knowing very well I would not get enough sleep,… but everything that was not connected to Kenny would be fine by me.

When I drove to work this morning a song came on the radio that describes the situation with Kenny and I perfectly. So I simply sent him the link to it without any comment and turned my phone off. I did not expect him to react, or at least not positively. Especially since he hasn’t replied to my question last Friday of why we would never have more than just physical attraction.

Well he asked me how I was after saying that the song described us very well and I said I was dealing somehow. He simply stated “and it’s my fault…” I wanted to deny it at first, but we both would have known that’d be a lie so I said the situation has just made me realise a lot of bad things in my life and that’s why I was struggling (which is true!). He once more said “yeah,  but because of me!”
so I said: “Kenny, if it doesn’t work for one, it’s always going to be shitty for the other one. That’s life!”
Him: Of course that’s true… but I honestly don’t believe it would be right for you to be with me.
Me: Why do you think that?
Him: You may know me for a long time… but not very well :-/
Me: You sure?
Him: Yep 🙂
Me: I can’t tell.. but if you think so.
Him: M, I honestly like you and I think you’re awesome! But we’re not meant for each other…
Me: I’ve understood that, but I just wonder why you’re so sure of this?

And that’s when he stopped replying again. He always stops when I ask him why. Why no feelings. Why no chance. Why whatever. He never replies. And I talked to a friend about this and I guess there are 2 main options:

  • One: he has feelings, but doesn’t want to confront himself with them. He’s scared to fail. Maybe scared that he wouldn’t be enough for me, once I know him. Maybe scared that I’ll leave him once and for all, if it doesn’t work out. Or he’s simply scared of these feelings as they are. Blunt.
  • Two: He literally has no feelings, but doesn’t want to give me away entirely. Like, this way he knows he can suck me back in and get what he wants every now and then. If he tells me he has no feelings, he knows it is done for me. Like.. entirely. No more kissing or anything else. Just. Done.

Even though you might think I’m stupid, I still believe in option 1. Simply because of the way he acts and words things. I can’t see him not having feelings. Why would he say the relationship wouldn’t work for ME, when he could tell me it doesn’t work for HIM?! If he wants to get rid of me, why not just tell me that he can’t be with me for reason 1, 2 and 3. You get me?!
He has some sort of feelings, I’ve felt it when we spent time together. And whilst it is true that I don’t know him the best, I’m sure I know a lot of what is going on in his mind when it comes to feelings (not with me involved, but other stuff).
I don’t know what his problem is, and I guess I’ll just have to let it be. Because it seems like I won’t ever get an answer to that. Which is sad, because it is the one thing that would let me being able to let go of him. But oh well… this conversation made me realise that I have let him go mostly already. I did not get that weird gut feeling I usually do when I get dumped. There were no tears. It was just getting in the facts to move on.

the morning after | part 2.

So after nothing happened, we woke up at around 9am. He looked at me and just cuddled me. All throughout the night he shifted away, but then got back to holding me somewhere. He also seemed to dream, since he always said “no” (obviously my mind wandered to him having nightmares deciding between me and his girlfriend – he can’t remember anything though).

Anyway, I can’t recall exactly how it happened, but he kissed me at some point. I think he was caressing my back and then just went for it. It was nice. I mean, I knew I loved our kissing chemistry, but it had been 2 years. Lots could change. But it hasn’t.
We kissed just once. Then he turned away and we just lay there…
but long story short: yep we did, what we shouldn’t have. We had sex. He started to fumble and for the longest time I always pushed his hand away and told him not to. He asked why, and I told him “you know why”. It didn’t really matter – plus this is a huge déjà-vu… and I realised my defence was crumbling. So in the end we had sex.

It was nice, I’m not gonna lie. We had fun, we just clicked. But I also could not entirely forget about his girlfriend. And here come the haters:
No I’m not feeling good. I know there’s always two that belong to something like this happening. Right now I’m not sure who is suffering more. Kenny or I? I feel like we are the ones who got hurt, because I’m not sure whether he’ll tell his girlfriend. I actually have absolutely no idea what will happen from now on. Maybe this one thing has done it for us. Maybe the chemistry is gone. Maybe that affection we have shared for 16 years is now gone, that we know what it is like. So we can now meet up just as friends, without having the urge to touch and kiss each other. Or maybe it’ll continue. I can honestly not tell you.

I also cannot tell you how I feel about any of this. My feelings are very mixed, but mostly bad. But then that’s nothing new. I knew I’d feel the remorse. Maybe more so than him. And yet I’ve done it. Why? I don’t know.

It was all good after the sex. He asked whether it had been okay for me (he seemed very unsure about himself) and he realised quickly that I was not doing okay, because I was thinking about what we have done. I did not say it out loud, but I guess I needn’t to.
So we cuddled some afterwards and then I noticed that he wanted to leave. He’s leaving abroad this afternoon, so I knew I had to get him back home in time and that was okay. We never planned on this happening. He actually had said before we fell asleep “who would have guessed we’d end up here?” and I just laughed and then he said “well.. at least not today”. So you know, he has planned this. And I’m not sure if he just wanted to get me laid, or whatever. it does sound like it I know, but I don’t believe it quite yet. We’ve had these kind of conversations before, and he always said “if I just wanted sex with you, I’d long have gotten it.” Which is true.

Anyway back to the story. So we started to get dressed, he looked around in my flat and then he suddenly got all weird and very distant. I asked if he was okay and he just said he was still drunk (which he wasn’t). I drove him home (15 minutes) and got a goodbye kiss on my cheek. Not surprising, since his neighbours surely know about his girlfriend. He also said that if any of his colleague will see him, he’ll tell them I’m his sister. This is one thing why I guess he won’t tell his girlfriend. Anyway. He then said “well.. see you… somewhen” and I jokingly said “in a year at carnival I guess”, he didn’t say anything to that just “well we’ll talk on the phone”. Then he walked off, no looking back. And that was the moment I think he realised what we had done. And the moment that everything hurt for me

I have no idea how he’s dealing right now. I haven’t heard from him yet and I want to leave him be for a moment. I don’t think he regrets what we’ve done, and neither do I if I’m being honest. If that makes me selfish, then that’s okay for me. I know we could have taken different turns on a lot of opportunities, but it happened. And that’s what we have to deal with right now. And I will be taking all the consequences if he decides to tell his girlfriend.
I’m not sure why I’m sad though. I’m not expecting a relationship. I do love him, but not in that way. We had sex, we weren’t making love. This is a huge difference for me. It was for fun. And I think it was the same for him. So we’ll have to see what happens.

As for the comments I’ve gotten lately. I do understand you guys, but I’m not sure I will defend myself any further. It has been a decision made by me, knowing the consequences. This blog has always been more of a diary to me, so I can read back on how I felt in certain situations in my life… and I’ll continue to do so. So excuse me if I’m not replying.

the date with Kenny | part 1.

Yesterday took quite the turn. If you have read the post I wrote in the middle of the night, I am sincerely sorry for what I have said. I was pissed with the world. With the comments I got on here (which I asked for and are true). With the misunderstandings. But mostly just with me.

Well, but let’s start from the beginning. I was at work until 10pm. They let me go a little early, because they knew I wanted to go out. So I returned home, got dressed up and went to the place where carnival took place. I was there by 11.15pm and let Kenny know that I was there. I was alone, I didn’t know anyone and everyone I passed was drunk. So I made myself cozy and watched the bands and drunk people.
It took him about 20 minutes until he found me. I was surprised he would let go of his band and come over by himself. So we went to grab a drink and just talked for like 20 minutes. He then had to leave again because of a gig. He asked whether I was staying at that bar (for 1.5 hours) by myself or we’ll meet up somewhere else. I told him I was going to watch another band, which an old school friend was playing in.

So I did just that. Watched him, then walked to the other place Kenny was playing at. There I bumped into said schoolfriend and talked for like 20 minutes, then I bumped into an even older schoolfriend, who I then spent the next couple of hours with and made me leave the gig, which didn’t leave Kenny and I to meet up (he later told me he had searched for me all throughout the gig). It was fun and since Kenny did not reply no more, I was fine by having some fun dancing. Kenny sent me a “hello” every now and then, but never told me where he was at or came over when I told him where I was. By 2.15am I was done waiting and my school friend said he was heading home. So I walked home as well. Kenny had told me beforehand “my bus leaves at 2am, so either I leave with them… or I stay” – and looked at me weirdly. So I knew it was a question of sleeping at my place. I did not reply. Anyway, so by 2.15am when I was leaving, I figured he was home by then. I was quite tipsy by then and really pissed about how the evening went. I wanted to spend time with Kenny and saw him for just a short 20 minutes. That’s when I wrote that post and several other things.

For some reason I didn’t want to go to sleep yet, although I was so tired. I just knew something was gonna happen soon. And really, at 3.15am Kenny finally texted me. So he told me that he was sorry for how everything went and that he had once more messed everything up. I asked him what he meant and he said he had been very stressed and didn’t get time to see me. I just said “well and I kept bugging you as well, I’m sorry.” He then let me know he was still in town. I knew I was too tired to walk all the way back again (20 minutes) by this hour and asked who he was with. When he said he was by himself, I asked how he was getting home and he said he didn’t know. So I told him to wait at a certain place and I’d pick him up, if he wanted to sleep over. He did say “I want to, but…” We both knew what was hanging in between those lines, but I told him to shut his face. I was not gonna let a friend wait in the cold. I would have picked up anyone.
So by 3.30am I was in my car, sober again, picking him up at the train station. We got home (he’s never been at my home) and we talked. Like.. a lot. It was funny, since he obviously was still pretty drunk. He asked me where he could sleep and I told him in my bed. He could’ve gone to the guest room, but I did not tell my mom and I was not about to explain to her what happened. So we slept in the same bed.

Yes, we cuddled. But that was all. There was no kiss. No inappropriate touching. Just hugging and falling asleep (well he did, I did not).
And I was actually okay. I got the kind of intimacy I wanted, without him cheating on his girlfriend. Right?


To be continued…


seeing Kenny

I feel like I need to type out my feelings towards Kenny before I see him on Thursday.

I’m not entirely sure where we’re heading to, and I’m also not sure how I’ll feel about it once I’m going home from our “date” again, but right now… I’m looking forward to seeing him. I really miss him when he doesn’t text, and we have been in constant contact from morning to night every day the last 2 weeks or so. This is new, but then also not so new, because it usually is like that before we see each other.
I don’t know what to expect. I do expect us to kiss, but then I also think he might try to hold himself together and therefore not kiss me. I’m not sure how I’ll feel when he doesn’t. I probably would be sad, if I’m being honest. I’m definitely not going to make that first step, but I’d love to kiss him. Not gonna lie. Actually, right now I’d probably even go into friends with benefits with him… but that’s most likely because I’m so lonely lately and the attention I get from him feels so good. I know it’d be hard, because I know about his girlfriend and so on… but I guess I’ll just see how it goes in a few days.

Another thing that happened this weekend: As I’ve said before, we’re chatting on snapchat. You can send special emoji’s (bitmoji) with your personal avatars. I think it was Sunday morning when he sent me an emoji, which said “I love you”. I was pretty surprised by this. Not because I thought he didn’t love me, but because he was so open about it. He did claim that he hadn’t meant to send it, but let’s be real. They’re huge, you can’t just push one on accident. Maybe he just wanted to see how I reacted? And I know he loves me in some way. I don’t think I have ever been so sure about someone having feelings towards me. But then probably because we both know we can’t allow them.

I don’t know. I’m just excited to see him this Thursday. He texted me this morning saying “it’s Thursday soon”. He didn’t say why (obviously because he’s off work, but then also – I guess – he’s excited to see me as well).

So I’m pretty torn. I do want him. But I also know it will do me no good, because I don’t want to be second choice. The question seems to be, whether I am second choice or the girlfriend is. It might be obvious to you guys, but then why is he always coming back to me? Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m at the bad end of all of this. But we’ll see. There’s not much to lose, right?

a serious talk with Kenny

Something new happened with Kenny. Well kind of, we’ve had talks about our emotions or our status before… so it’s not entirely new. But it was indicated from his part, so that was new.
He had been somewhat silent yesterday and I thought he might be mad, because I didn’t go over when he asked me to. But I just thought to myself, that if he actually decides to ignore me for that, I’d just leave him be for how ever long it’ll take us to get back together.

Well anyway. I’m glad snapchat lets you save your messages, since I can’t take screenshots for he would notice. So it started out with us arguing about sex. This is nothing new and I told him to let it go, because I was not in the mood to argue. All of a sudden he asked me what I thought of him. That was new. And I figured it was time to let him know what kind of mess he’s getting me into:
I’m not sure what I think about you myself actually. You know that I like you, but things like on Saturday let me ask myself what I am to you… it’s one thing to not agree on what ‘cheating’ is…  but sometimes I just ask myself if I’m a ‘fun toy’ for in between.. not sure how to explain my feelings

I didn’t get an answer for the longest time. I also didn’t know what to expect from him, I had absolutely no clue. After a few hours he sent me a wink-emoji and said that he understood me and knows what he does isn’t good. And that we’ve talked about this before.
We have. We’ve gone through the exact same thing 2 years ago, without any change.
I wanted to be completely honest so I replied the following: “I’m not accusing you of anything, I hope you know that. I just wouldn’t be able to do so, or rather that’s the only reason I didn’t come on Saturday, because I remembered how I felt 2 years ago. I wasn’t the one to do anything wrong, but I’m an honest and loyal person and it was hard for me. It’s not that I had hoped you would leave your girlfriend for me. I never hoped or thought so. But still it hurt me… I know we’ll probably never be able to  get our fingers off each other and in some way that’s nice to know, too.. but still…
He then exclaimed how I had something about me, that keeps him coming back for me. He then asked what we should do about it and I said I didn’t know and probably never will.

Then things took a weird turn. He said “best would be, if you’d have a boyfriend“. I just said “why should that make things any easier between us?” and he said this way I’d be able to forget about him. Which is ridiculous. We’ve been in each other’s lives for 16 years and we always had that thing going on. I met him when I was 12 and fell in love with him just by texting. It took us like 4 years to finally meet up (by accident that is), and that’s when he kissed me even though he had a girlfriend back then. So that story has started a loooong way back. A boyfriend wouldn’t change my feelings towards him. I might decide to hide them, but it wouldn’t change them.

I’m not sure what to do about this. Like I said, I don’t think we’ll end up together. He probably is somewhat happy with his girlfriend and I believe him. I’m not sure if anyone who hasn’t ever experienced something like that understands… but it’s just something that keeps us getting back together. Yet the timing is always wrong. He just said how last year we didn’t meet up when he had been single. And that was due to me being with Alan. We can’t seem to get it right. And I’m not hoping or wanting for him to break up with his girlfriend. I would never ask him for that, if he’s happy. The last girlfriend I told him to leave was, because he wasn’t happy anymore (and it still took him a year to do so, after we kissed).

I know all of this sounds so awkward. And I’m telling you, it’s not that I want to forget about P. Of course it doesn’t make things any easier for me, and I definitely wouldn’t let myself have these talks if I’d date anyone. But I’m not, so musing about Kenny and I… well what is new in my life? Drama everywhere.

Kenny never learns his lesson…

Kenny is like a tornado. When he decides to come into my life, he rushes in with full force. There’s not in between.

I mentioned in my last post how we decided to meet up in a little over a week – so to say: our yearly date. And I was already concerned about how things would turn out to be.

Well, here’s a new story:
We have been texting back and forth again for a few days. It’s us. We always have these moments when we’re in constant contact and then we can be radio silent for a year or so.
Kenny has a girlfriend. I’m not sure how long they’ve been together, I just saw a picture on instagram when they were on holidays last summer. And he told me so on New Year’s Eve. It doesn’t matter anyway, it doesn’t justify any of his actions.

Last night he was out, drunk. Although he said he wasn’t, after 16 years I know when he’s drunk and when he’s sober. When he does get drunk, he always gets somewhat clingy. So at 11pm he texted me (via snapchat of course), that I should come over. I asked what he was expecting me to do then, and he said “we’ll take it from there”. I didn’t react to it, although honestly I was actually thinking about going. I really wanted to see him. I’ve been feeling lonely lately, and I really miss the reassurance from P. But my brain knew better. Fortunately.

Well, long story short: I told him I wouldn’t go over and he asked why. I told him that we both know very well what would happen and I just got a happy emoji back from him. I told him it’s not gonna happen, due to him being with his girlfriend.
His response? “She’s not around!” – well dude, I’m glad you’re not cheating on your girlfriend when she’s standing right next to you,.. but seriously? Do you not have any remorse?!
So I told him that by now I know he’s not feeling any remorse, but that I would feel so and he asked me why. I couldn’t explain, just that I thought it was wrong. He then said the same thing he did almost 2 years ago: “well.. live now, not in the future!”
It seems to be his motto when he does stupid stuff. What really caught me off guard however was him all of a sudden telling me that he’s into me. We’ve never been big on discussing our feelings, but after 16 years I knew he was loving me in some way. But we also both know that we probably will never end up together, since in all these years the timing was never right. But let’s be honest. I’ve been single for over 7 months and hearing that someone is into me, of course is nice to hear. Especially with everything going on with P.

It doesn’t justify his cheating on his girlfriend. And this is the one reason I will never pursue a relationship with him. I don’t know if he’s like that to any other girls. I honestly don’t believe so. It’s just s thing about us. We can’t seem to let go of each other, no matter the circumstances. But… once a cheater, always a cheater. He’s never going to learn his lesson. I had actually believed now that he’s seemingly happy with his girlfriend, he wouldn’t do something so stupid.. but he also knows I’d not tell her or anyone and he’s clever enough not to let him get caught.

I don’t know. It’s just fucked up.

Oh by the way, I didn’t go to see him, although I was very close to getting in my car. Fortunately I fell asleep when he didn’t reply for like 5 minutes.