dating

P sucks!

I had a feeling: Not to get my hopes up, because they’d come crashing down soon enough.

I didn’t expect it to be the very next day, but let’s start from the beginning:

I did not actually reply to his suggestion of meeting up, since he didn’t really ask but just made a statement about seeing each other. Since he asked straight after how I work over the holidays, I just replied to that question. I didn’t tell him that I would love to see him or anything the like. And as I said in my last post, I tried not to get my hopes up, since I wouldn’t believe that he actually wanted to see me, until he stood right in front of me. I don’t believe he will ask again. Just a feeling. But we’ll see.

Well, his wording was funny anyway. So I pointed out whether he thought meeting up with me wasn’t relaxing. At first he said “sure it’s so restraining”, but right after said that it of course was relaxing, but maybe it wasn’t for me. I made a joke about how it was upsetting to always translate his accent into my own ‘language’. He corrected my wording and I said “excuse me, I kind of have fallen out of using your language since it’s been a while”. He texted me this morning saying “why? You can now learn with your new colleague 😉 ”

Okay. I understand, he doesn’t plan on keep talking to me?! He has kept the conversation up so far however, I didn’t reply to some of his messages. I don’t want to get my hopes up, because I know I’m tumbling. My walls are starting to crumble especially.

For the first time in a month or so, I looked at his pictures again last night. And I still had that familiar feeling in my stomach. I remembered all the dates we had, which every thought that ever started in the last few weeks, I have pushed far far away. I didn’t want to remember the lovely times, since I knew I wouldn’t get them again. Why hurt myself on purpose?! I don’t know why I allowed it last night. It was a mistake.
There are still feelings for him – and I do not want them. I don’t want to think this is the turning point, because it isn’t. There’s a reason I deleted all his pictures on my phone and saved them somewhere I didn’t accidentally stumble across. There’s a reason I changed his nickname on my phone, so I’d not recognise right away when someone texts me anymore (I however changed the name back again last night, because it feels so wrong to not have an hamster-emoji next to his name).

I don’t know where all of this will lead. And no, I am not eager to find out. I just feel like everything is getting messed up again, when I tried so hard to put some order in my life lately. And I hate him for this not really. I don’t want him to have so much power over my thoughts without actually trying. It f*ckin sucks!
I even thought about meeting Tinder guy to get my mind off, but also know that it would be wrong. For both of them. Obviously I would get myself into trouble anyway, having feelings for P and Tinder guy only wanting sex. I told him I could not do that, I don’t know why he keeps trying.

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turn of events!

So things took quite the turn today.
I was working on another unit, because they had to teach me a certain thing I could only learn on our oncology unit. So therefore I was meeting new people (colleagues). No problem here, I love meeting new people right now. Everything that gets my mind off my private life right now.

The thing is… – and I only realised it around noon – that one girl on that unit has the same accent as P. At first I thought I was imagining things, but then she said one word he always said (which is different to the rest of our country), so I asked her if she was from around here (where we work) and she confirmed my suspicion, that – no she was not from around here but the place where P lives.
From then on I could not listen to her anymore. Not because I hate the accent, but quite the opposite. It made me miss P so much, and work was the only place I could actually 100% could get my mind off things. Listening to her talk made me remember how wrong all of this went in the last few weeks. I realised that we hadn’t spoken in almost 3 weeks by now, since he didn’t reply to my last question (why he had gone to Italy the prior weekend). I didn’t think about it much during that time, I just let it be. Yes, at times I did wonder why he stopped talking to me. Whether he had met someone new or was just busy, or maybe just had had enough of me. But for the most part, I forgot about him pushed any thought about him away.

Then I made the mistake of rejoining Tinder a few days ago. Of course someone asked whether I had ever met someone from Tinder and I truthfully said that I had. The follow-up question of course was, why it hadn’t worked out so I told him. He then asked what I was looking for in a guy and my first thought simply was “I’m not actually looking, I have found my one…”
Ever since that question from Tinder guy, I kept falling back into the pattern of musing about the whereabouts of P. But I didn’t text him.

Until today.
I figured… fuck it. I let him know about the accent thing and he replied. I knew he would, he always did at some point. He asked me how I was and said “I wanted to text you a while ago…”. I obviously asked him why he didn’t and he didn’t really give me an answer (“Hmm.. I don’t know… lots of work”). He went on to tell me that he was off work over the holidays and I just said that it was good so “you can take a break for Christmas, New Year and your birthday 😉 ”
I’m not sure whether the distance has made him go crazy, but something happened then…

– Cut the scene.
Whilst all of this happened, I had texted a girl friend of mine about it, mostly about him saying he wanted to text me, but didn’t. She then was like “well, if he’s off work, you may meet him again then!” and I actually laughed out loud. This thought has been so far back in my mind, that I truly did not believe in ever seeing him again in this life time. That hope has died before I went on holidays in October – so quite a while ago. I texted her saying “if he will ever ask me out again, I’m gonna eat my hat!”
Whilst I sent that text I saw a notification of P’s message: “or we meet up again somewhen…”
I think I read that message about a billion times until I realised what it was saying. I did not believe my eyes and I guess I’m gonna eat that hat after all.

Well. I’m not getting my hopes up, until he asks for a specific date and he’s standing in front of me again. I didn’t really reply to his message though, since he asked straight after when I was off work over the holidays. I just replied to that question, not saying I’d love to see him or anything.
Maybe the distance / no-contact has helped. Maybe he’s feeling better. Maybe he’s just pitying me or trying to hold up to his promise. I don’t know. I’ll just see how it goes from here. I don’t believe in seeing him again yet, but who knows really? As I said just this morning: if we’re meant to be, we’ll find back together somehow. If we’re not, then that’s fine.

Maybe he’s ready now. Maybe he just really wants to meet up as friends again, I seriously do not know. I’m messed up. Yet again.

 

By the way, to end this post on a funny note. Just like 2 minutes after P had texted me about the date, a guy on Tinder asked me out as well and I was like “what the hell is going wrong in with my life right now?!”

getting over P

Today was the first time since I returned from holidays (5 weeks) that I felt like crying about P. I didn’t, but I was close to having a meltdown.

It’s mostly because I listened to a song from Mark Forster. It’s German, so there’s no point in putting it here, since most of you won’t understand. But it’s about how you keep thinking about someone, although you really want to forget about them (click here if you want to listen to the song either way).

The lyrics just spoke my mind. Although I keep pushing P away so hard. So hard. I just can’t shake him off. And that’s what the song is about.
I’m just glad that I won’t see my school friends anymore now (at least till March), since they’re the only ones that know about the situation and now no one keeps asking me about him all the time. But it doesn’t matter, really. If I’m being honest to myself, I can’t shake him off. I wish I could. And no matter how much I lie to myself that I forgot about him…

Well. I didn’t.

As if it wouldn’t have been enough to be reminded by a song, I dreamt about him last night. Once more I had a dream about being pregnant and he was the father. Somewhen we’ve had sex and were not talking to each other, so it was pretty much the current situation. I didn’t tell anyone, but then started having contractions after work (was still at the hospital). In the dream I texted him, letting him know his kids were going to be born soon, to let him know he could be with me along the birth. He didn’t believe me that I was pregnant since I’d told him before I was not pregnant (once more, reality). I then just said that it was his loss and I was going to care for them by myself then and he can get lost.
Long story short, I woke up, holding my stomach real tight. I have dreamt about being pregnant before, but I never was as anxious when I woke up. About losing my babies. About not actually being pregnant, when it felt so right whilst asleep. Some part of my brain probably had hoped, this way I could get him back into my life… Stupid.

When I first woke up, I did muse whether to let him know I had dreamt about him. But then I realised there was no point. If he didn’t want to talk to me the last 2 weeks, he won’t want to talk to me the next few months either. I could text him. He would reply. We’d have a conversation, all well.
But where’s the point?! Torturing myself by keeping up a contact that is only wanted by me? Not gonna happen.

I just wish I could get over him already. But knowing he matches me so well… realising what we lost, because he’s a coward. It’s so so hard.

Well.. it’s gonna be a long time till I get over him, no matter what.

Plan B starts now!

The thing with Matt ended up being a very short fling. Not because I didn’t want to invest any time, but because I ended up at the same exact spot like with P.
I wanted to see Matt again, so I asked him when we could meet up next. He got very quiet after we’ve seen each other last week, and he didn’t reply for a while. He then said that it’s gonna be hard to find time from now on. I found this hilarious, since he had given me so many possible dates when we first started talking about it. So I just gave up. Rethinking about the situation, he probably didn’t ‘feel’ the same thing as me. And that’s totally fine. It was good to somewhat help get over P.

I say somewhat. Because I have been thinking about P a little more again. I guess mostly because I have spent some time with people that know about the situation. My colleagues and other friends don’t even know about him, neither does my mom. So no questions. But I had 2 days of school and everyone asked about him, so of course my thoughts have surfaced. Two friends even gave me a present connected to him, they bought it when we were still dating. I know they meant well, but I told them I could not use it right now, since I still can’t seem to shake him off completely.
I did however finally realise that it’s not gonna work. There’s no need to invest any more feelings and time into him. Because if I’ve learned one thing over the last few failed (attempts of) relationships, it’s that if the effort is one-sided, there’s no need to continue. It doesn’t matter how much it feels right to me, how much I know we would work out quite well, if he doesn’t feel the need to be interested in my life, there’s no point. No matter how much I feel felt towards him. No matter how right it felt to me, it is NOT the ‘right thing’ if it’s just you in it.
Yes, it hurts. A shit tone at that. But I need to remember this. Since I returned from my holidays I heard from him twice. Twice in 3 weeks, whilst we used to text every. single. day. And that’s how things roll since I have stopped putting in any effort. And that’s what I got, so I need to accept this.

I was able to push these thoughts away during work. I was exhausted in the evenings, so I didn’t really have time to think about him. But lately… I miss him again.
And I’m angry. And disappointed that even though he felt the same connection, he did not want to overcome his worries and just give us a try. Yes, I’m angry. I’m so mad at him, because I know we would have matched so well. I’m even mad that not even did he NOT give us a chance, but he denied seeing me again at all. He’s a coward. And that makes me sad. Sad that he would not give love a try, because there was nothing to lose, really.
I hope one day he realises what he’s lost. I wish I could say one day when it wouldn’t be too late. But I guess that already happened. You know… I could have hung on… but I needed some sort of interest. And him not even replying to normal questions anymore… well he’s gone.

A week or so ago, I realised that I have given up, when I started changing my plan of life. I know that when I met P, I thought I might spend New Year’s Eve with him, since I could get to his place by 12am (I’m working a late shift that day). I didn’t make plans in hope that he would come back and make plans.
It got as far as me not wanting to apply for a job, because it would mean moving even further away from him –  my thoughts being “what if we decides to come back and we start dating by then again?!”
But I have given up. Truly so. I will apply for that job as soon as I can (March 2018). I will move to that city, away from everyone. I will do what feels right for me right now – without anyone in mind but me. And even though I always said I could never live alone, I have now realised that I cannot depend on ever finding someone and – I actually can live by myself – it’s just a mindset I needed to change. I need to live my life – my way. And that’s what I’m doing now. I plan it without anyone in it, because you’ll never know if what you wish for will happen. I always wanted family by now, but that didn’t happen either. I can’t force myself to think I will ever get it. I need to plan my life – Plan B.

date with exboyfriend

I knew it. I just had a feeling.

So my exboyfriend – Matt – came over to my place today. Just some backstory of “us”:
Matt and I dated in March 2005 (when I was 14) and I had my very first kiss with him. He stayed the weekend back then and we were “together”. We had been together for a month or so a year back, but never had seen each other (you know, that was a thing haha, internet dating and such). After that weekend we spent together, he texted me saying that he was going to stay single, since he wasn’t over his exgirlfriend quite yet. Well, they ended up back together shortly after. They had broken up just before we first met up and I was heartbroken of course. It took quite a while to get over him.
We have been in contact over the years. In the beginning mostly when he was single and needed a distraction. When we grew up we had contact whenever. Some years a little more than others, but mostly for birthdays. The last time I’ve seen him (as a friend) was in September 2011. Because of jealous girlfriends, our schedules and I guess missing interest, we never met up again.

He texted me for my birthday this year as usual and we started talking. We always do, and the conversation subsides after a few days. He however more or less invited himself over to my place this time, so he could see my mom and me again. We set a day (actually first it would have been in a week, but my boss put me on work duty, so we changed the date to today). I wasn’t sure if we would go through with it, because I never heard back from him until last night. He asked what time he should come over. So that seemed set.

He texted me this afternoon what the name of my mom was *lol* I told him and waited. He then texted me around 2pm that he was outside and was afraid to come in, so he would have a cigarette and then come in. I went outside, so he wouldn’t have to face me and my mom all at once. He smirked when he saw me, and then came over to me with a HUGE flower. We hugged hello and he said it was my birthday present. We talked and teased like we used to all along.
We then went inside, had some coffee and just talked with my mom for 2 hours. About pretty much everything. We hadn’t truly updated on each other’s life, so 6 years is a lot of time to catch up on.

After about 2 hours I got that urge to be alone with him. I just wanted to cuddle up with him, not even talk but be with him. I don’t know why I felt thatway, but I did. I didn’t act on it however. I didn’t know how he felt. I just know he recently broke up with his girlfriend (our mutual friend told me) and that he pretty much hates his exgirlfriend now – that’s what he told me himself. So I just left it be.

At around 4.30pm he said he would head home soon. So I walked him to his car, where he smoked another cigarette and he asked me when we would see each other next. I told him I was free whenever, and he told me to come over to his place next time (since it’s always him coming to me, and we are about an 1-hour drive apart). We hugged goodbye for quite a while. I really had that urge to kiss him, but I knew it wouldn’t be a good thing to do. For himself because of his breakup, but also for myself since the situation with P is not really solved at all.

But.

I have this urge to see him again. I miss him. I want to cuddle him. And I’m not sure why I have these feelings. Whether they are old feelings resurfacing or if it’s just the ‘homely’ feeling, because we’ve known each other half our lives (15 years to be precise). Or even the frustration of not getting what I wanted from P?!
When he asked me what he should do tonight, I even said he was welcome to come over again. He just laughed. It’s weird really. I hope to see him again soon, so to find out what this is exactly. Whether my mind is just fucked up, or it may be something.

We’ll see what this mess of emotions and my mind is going to lead to.

work parties and P

Before my mind is all fogged with other things, I wanted to type out what has happened over the last week and yesterday.

As I mentioned in my last post, I told P how I felt about him not taking any care of our friendship. Since I didn’t get an answer to my very long text message, something in me ‘broke’. Not in a bad way, but I realised that I finally will be able to let go of him for good. I know my last post sounded very hopeful, but I think that lasted about a day and then I was done with this catch-me-if-you-can-game. I knew that if he ever returned, I’d be open for giving it a try. But I was done chasing for his attention and anything else. I did not text him again. Of course he was on my mind every now and then, but busy work fortunately has kept my mind off him mostly. And left me exhausted in the evening, so that I went to bed around 9pm and no time for overthinking either.

Surprisingly I had no problems not texting him this time. This is why I know I was able to make a cut for real. It was so hard for me over the last 2 months when he started to retreat, but now I was just done fighting for something that was one-sided. I didn’t hear from him at all. Yesterday morning he texted me a picture, that – probably – should have been funny. It read: “Once upon a time there was a prince, who proposed to a very beautiful princess. She answered: NO!!! .. and then the prince lived happily ever after, did whatever he wanted to do. THE END.”
I guess y’all know that this was somewhat just awkward. I know it’s his kind of humour and he’s sent me things like this before. But in this current situation it was just wrong and I’m not sure what he had expected to get from it. There was radio silence for 8 days and then that’s what he sent without any comment. I just replied “life would be that much easier this way, huh?”

I didn’t get an answer and I didn’t care. I went out to a work party last night and did not think of him once. I flirted hardcore with a colleague, who has been hitting on me since I started working at this place (3 years ago) and it was fun. There will never come anything out of it, since he’s married and like 15 years older than me. But you know, it was good for my ego. He kept throwing balls at me to get my attention or bumping into me whilst dancing. Even when I first sat down at the table and he happened to be there as well (really, it was not my intention!), he kept trying to catch my eye and smiled at me whenever. It’s just a thing with us and that’s completely fine. He doesn’t usually overact on the flirting bit (getting touchy or something like that), so it’s good for my ego mostly. And like I said, it’s been that way for the last 3 years and nothing ever happened, so all is fine. He also was sober – I think – so I wasn’t afraid anything would happen, especially around everyone that was there. It was just good to get the attention. And I texted him this morning about something we talked about last night, and he just said how I flirted with him, to which I just said he started with that game. He complimented me on my “eye game”. He’s a funny one.

The work party was fun overall. At first I wasn’t too sure, since I am somewhat antisocial when it comes to people I don’t know very well. I kept being with the ones I knew… but at some point I was playing table tennis with said guy, and he went away and all of a sudden I was playing table tennis with 3 people I didn’t even know the name of. One of them was hitting on me big time and I have seen him before, but never really talked to him. So that was fun.

Anyway. Once I got home (by 3.30am!!) I texted P, figuring there was nothing to lose. And also letting him know I was still having a life without dating him. Just asked how he was dealing and he texted me saying “not too bad, what about you? You know, I was in Italy last weekend”. Once more I can’t translate it word by word, but it sounded like ‘I was away last weekend and that’s why I didn’t text all week’, which makes no sense whatsoever. But I’m done thinking about why he has or has not texted me. If he wants to talk to me, he can. I’m not putting any effort in this anymore until he knows what he wants.

Now why I’m typing this out right now with a somewhat clear mind? In 2 hours my exboyfriend will come over. I haven’t seen him in 6 years, so that’ll be awkward. But he pretty much invited himself over when we were talking on my birthday. So that should be interesting. Maybe this will make a new post, or maybe it’s just gonna be friendly chatter (I guess so).

Until then…

 

crazy cat lady

Honestly… sometimes I really understand why my friends are telling me to make a movie out of my life. Sometimes I really ask myself, why I’m reacting the way I do. Or why I’m doing certain things. But oh well, the harm is done. Gotta live with it now.

I was frustrated last night. VERY frustrated. I wanted to test how long it takes P to text me first. Yesterday marked 4 days, and I wanted to send him something, so I did. I hate playing those games, so fuck it. After he didn’t keep up the conversation after a very short while, I just said “bye” at around 8pm. He asked why I said “bye” and I just said bye again. He asked where I was heading to. Here is where I took a wrong turn.

I’m going nowhere, but your interest in texting with me doesn’t seem to be existent anymore lately and even I have understood that by now… so that’s why I don’t want to force anything anymore that is one-sided, and therefore: bye” I am very aware how bitchy that was, and it’s so not me. I’m not like that. I tell people what the fuck is wrong, without sounding like a bitch.
He just answered with a simple “hmm…“, which obviously got me even madder. Here’s where I should have gone to bed and not reply to him no more. But I didn’t:
I don’t mean to harm you, and I’m not sure how you took it. You know what I think of you, but as I said there wasn’t much from you anymore. I don’t want to bother you and be that girl, that doesn’t get a hint and keeps bothering you, when you’re done already. I like texting with you, you should know. But there’s no need when it’s always started by me, right? I didn’t mean it as a ‘bye, get the fuck away, I don’t want to ever talk to you again’, but I will take a step back, because I finally got it. You are welcome to text, whenever you want.

I then went to bed. I’m glad I was able to actually sleep. But when I woke up to no text whatsoever (and he had been online till 3am, so it wasn’t like he was away or something), I was just sad. Disappointed. I hadn’t expected this. Not from him, at least.

I texted again (I see your eye-rolling – stop!):
Hmm okay, I didn’t expect to just get nothing… I just want to say one last thing then. I think you understand how frustrating it is, when you miss someone and that person rarely or never texts you first and that’s why I texted you last night. Nothing has changed about how I think of ‘us’ or how I feel about you (even if I had hope me being away helps). I just don’t want to fool myself and that’s why I’m giving you some room to breathe. Believe me, it’s not easy, but I promise I will leave you be even if that hurts me.. I’m sorry if I have wrong-footed you.
I know I should play that game of catch-fetch, but that’s not me. I want people to know how I feel or think. There’s so much hate and misunderstandings, because people are playing games and not communicating properly. I’m done with this. I’d rather let him know how I feel, than us both being frustrated.

I got an answer about an hour later:

There’s not coming nothing anymore… I have been thinking about it, but it’s still like that time I explained to you about my situation: I have enjoyed every moment with you and don’t regret anything.. and we can go out for dinner or just do something together.
But I don’t know, how hopeful you’re going to be that we’ll end up in intimate togetherness until we’re old afterwards 😛
What got me wrong-footed isn’t you, but the situation right now. I still am struggling with my father’s death and it has turned my life upside down… but I also don’t want to blame everything for this.
Don’t worry, I know very well how much you like me – and it is very nice. But I also don’t want to play with your feelings.

I didn’t answer all day. Firstly because I was at work, but also because I wanted to think about what to reply. I know I could’ve gone “I don’t have any hope” blablah, but we all know that would be a lie. And he knows that as well. So I figured I could be completely honest:

I’m sorry I always bother you with this. I didn’t mean “seeing you”, but that I felt like your interest decreased in the texting-habit. But I guess I didn’t articulate myself very well.
So I’m going to be very honest now: We will never have an intimate togetherness with our cats… 😉 no seriously though: of course I cannot claim to have no hope whatsoever – and I think you know that, but I am very well aware that it doesn’t work (right now) and it could go both ways. Nobody can promise anything.
And I never felt like you were playing with my feelings, because you have always been honest and explained your situation, so I will not blame you for that. In the end it would be my problem, because I know what I’m getting myself into. I don’t know how to explain. I actually just wanted to let you know, that you should text me from time to time 😛

It’s funny though. I knew this morning that things weren’t done. Although my brain wanted me to be sad for this loss, I knew I had not actually lost him. It is so weird to explain that relationship to anyone. Or how I feel about us. I wish he’d feel the same. Or I could give him some sort of security. But this conversation just showed me once more, how insecure he is. He doesn’t want to see me, because he fears of me getting hurt. When really, it’s my problem. He doesn’t give himself a chance, that’s what makes me sad actually…
In the end I know he’s telling me that I should have no hope right now that we end up as a couple. And honestly, my hope has decreased immensely. I’m not sure how we both will feel once we see each other again (since it’s been over 2 months). Of course there’s the hope that I will spark his interest again, but I also do not expect us to kiss when we see each other or whatever. I’m not that blindsided. I understand his situation and he needs time, and that is fine by me. I guess I’ll just keep going and see where things are going. And stop going crazy every few weeks *lol*