So on Monday night he asked me to come over after my late shift at work. I said yes, because I really wanted to see him and we hadn’t had the chance the whole weekend. I did not expect to spend the night or anything to happen, really. Well maybe I did expect to spend the night, but definitely not that anything would happen. We also saw each other for like 10 minutes before work, since I drive by his house when I go to work and he was home.
I was able to leave work a little early and then drove to his house. He let me in and he quickly introduced me to his flat mate and we then sat on the sofa and cuddled. His flat mate just said he’ll give us some space. We talked a lot, about my father, about my insecurities and especially about my plans next year (I’m moving away from where I currently live and do plan on going abroad for 2 months as well). He asked me whether I had signed the contract yet and booked my trip abroad and I said that I haven’t. He asked why and I said that I was scared and really don’t want to do any of it. Moving away means driving 2 hours to him instead of 30 minutes – plus figuring out our work schedules when it’s already hard when we work at the same place. And being away for 2 months… well you all know how I’m dealing with going away when I’m insecure. He asked me what I was afraid of and I said “being left”. He said he won’t go anywhere and that we’ll get through this, but that I shouldn’t cancel all my plans just because of him. It’s so cute, but it will be hard. But I know I need to do this. I haven been working towards that job for a year now and finally got the job, so I can’t just back out now. It’ll only be for 2 years. He also won’t move with me, mainly because he has all his friends here, plus he’s just got another job close to his home town, so. And I would not expect him to move just for me either, although he’s only been in this country for 5 years. But maybe this is exactly why. He had to start anew already, I don’t want to take all of this away again.
Anyway, after all that talk I pulled him onto me and kissed him. I suddenly realised he was hard. I did not expect this at all, neither what was going to happen afterwards. He kept saying “you know, we’re still on the couch, right?”… so at some point we changed into his room. We both didn’t expect this to happen that night, we hadn’t planned on it and it threw me off completely. I was not happy about it, mainly because I had flashbacks to Stan (because Scott was somewhat aggressive. More so in his facial expression than anything else, but it didn’t feel right either way). Also there was no talk about protection, which threw me off as well.
I then barely slept at all, maybe an hour or two, and then drove him to work in the morning. I was off work yesterday, so I drove home afterwards and slept for a while. I felt like bullshit though and talked to a friend about how I was feeling. I was so scared that now that we’d slept together things would go downhill and we’d still have to work for 4 months together, which would be awkward if I’d run away. My mind literally went off rail. I did want to end things right then and there… I felt so bad.
My friend then told me to talk to him about my feelings. At first I didn’t want to, because I knew it was all in my head. But yet I needed to get it out. So I told him. About the protection (to which he said he had thought about it as well and was sorry) and that I had the flashbacks because of him. I felt better after that short text exchange already.
We then had a team meeting that afternoon. It was the first time after we first kissed that we saw each other back at work. It was awkward not to greet him with a kiss, but we dealt well I guess. Afterwards we met up in my car and drove over to his place. He asked whether I wanted to get dinner, but we both were still so exhausted from the night before, that we really just wanted to crash in bed. So we went to his flat and got into bed. Just cuddling. Didn’t last too long however, this time on his terms though. All of a sudden he said “I had only planned on cuddling tonight…” We both burst into laughter. It was so much better than the first time and all my insecurities went away, which felt so good. I had a good night’s sleep and actually slept through the night, which surprised me. Same goes for him. We also did not end up eating anything, as he lasted a lot longer due to some “side effects” of his pills. This also made us laugh so much. Me because I was so sore by that point and him being absolutely stunned when we looked at the clock 3 hours later… but it was nice, and this time he kept reminding me to use protection, when I really didn’t want to. Good boy, I guess. He even asked what we would do if I got pregnant (not in this words, but it was what he meant).
Also when we talked, I accidentally called myself his girlfriend. We were making fun about the side effects of the pill and I told him to go to his doctor and tell him to stop the pill, since his girlfriend was so sore. He laughed and the same moment I realised what I had said, he was like “wait, what did you say?” I laughed and said “that I am sore”. Him: “no the other part!” But I did not repeat myself. I know he wanted me to say it, so we could make it official, but this is a talk he should start.
I’m just so happy. That compared to the night before, we were laughing and enjoying ourselves so much more. I was way more at ease and he really took what I said to heart and tried to change things, which is so cute. He kept saying “I’m trying to control my facial expression, but it’s really hard, honey”. He also kept saying that he likes me so much, which was so cute.
Yes, I’m really falling for him. So we just need to figure out how to survive the next two years. But I’m trying not to think about it too much, which he’s figured out already. I try to avoid the subject, but he keeps bringing it up. I know I need to confront things, but I just want to enjoy the happiness for now.
We’re also a lot more at ease about people from work seeing us. I did drive an other way home today, so they wouldn’t see me. But one of the colleagues know already, because Scott told him. And 2 others are expecting things. But we’re just being silly and enjoying the “mystery”.