has been my first and only long-term boyfriend. I met him on a festival and got to know that we went to the same school and had a few same friends. What first started as sex only soon became my boyfriend of over a year. We went through a lot and I really loved him, before I broke it off because he didn’t want children and wasn’t honest overall. (September 2013 – November 2014)

update on my mind

My blog posts have been all over the place lately. And so has my mind. Today however I feel better in general. I have found some peace at last. I’m not great, but dealing okay.

Firstly, I am so occupied with work, that I don’t have a lot of time to think about what happened or is happening. When I get home, I’m usually so tired I go to sleep or just get busy with playing games on my phone to switch my mind off things. Maybe that’s a bad way to not deal with my emotions, but right now it’s the only way I can handle.
Sure, I am still sad about how things went these last few weeks. I did hope I could keep in contact with the guys from the animation team, but I also knew deep down that it would be very difficult and it needed to be both sided. Which it obviously wasn’t. However, I am doing a lot better than I thought I would be at that time. Maybe it’s just the realisation. Life goes on, and so do I. It’s sad, because I really felt like Crush was special, but whatever. Also it doesn’t take a lot to get me back to sad-state, as I’m friends with most of them on facebook and whenever pictures pop up with them, it makes me sad.
Example: Lex uploaded a picture with a few guys today. It made me realise that he might have just wanted to get in my pants, like it was probably his plan all along and then I ask myself with how many girls he’s slept with ever since. But I need to shut my brain off when it comes to these kind of things. It was just sex. Just sex.

Secondly, I have come to a point where I just take life day by day. I try not to think about the future too much and just take one step at a time right now. I can’t change the future – well, yes I can, but you get me, right? So what is there in for me to nag about things I can’t change right now? If life wants me to get away, I will go in less than 2 years. If it doesn’t, there will be a damn good reason not to.

Thirdly, although I wanted to be left alone most of the time the last few weeks, simply because I feel like my friends don’t give a shit… I went out with Mr. Cucu tonight. Although I was so annoyed because I was stuck in traffic for 45minutes and had a headache when I arrived, as soon as I saw and hugged him, I was all good again. He’s just a guy that can keep my mind off things and I love him for that. I truly do. He invited me over to his place and we talked for over an hour and I just miss him being closer to my home. But he’s great. He really is.
I just feel let down from my other friends for several reasons. I did tell a few about my emotions, and yes, they listened and tried to give me hope and advice. But as soon as that conversation was done (like 2 weeks ago) there was never a question back if I was better by now. And that’s when I feel like they don’t care, so I won’t talk to them anymore. For example, I haven’t seen my girl-“best friend” in about 6-7 months. Probably even more. It actually was right before Stan broke up with me. So that’s been ages.
Yes, she has asked me to meet several times, but you know how one feels if she’s like “I’m writing my master thesis, I moved in with my boyfriend, I got new kittens, I work, I am so busy blahblahblah.” And then when she’s like done with everything, and all of a sudden I need to make time for her, because.. well she’s ready now? I don’t like this kind of behaviour and that’s why I never actually made time for her anymore. She didn’t even tell me about moving in with her boyfriend until 1 week before they moved. Seriously?

I’m still on Tinder, and have met some guys on there. However, after reading Hookup Cultures post today, I realised that I am not ready to date. I like the attention, yes. But as soon as there is one tiny detail a guy has, I find a reason not to date him. I have been like this ever since I broke up with Momo… and even with Momo I feel like, I could have worked through these issues. But oh well, it’s the way it is right now. And I don’t really care about dating right now anyway.

If it ever happens, that’s alright, if it doesn’t, it’s alright as well.


breakups upset me

I guess it’s a week full of realisations.

Yesterday my neighbour (she’s like 60 and has been living here for over 10 years) told me, that she will be moving out. She lived here with her not-husband (they’re not married, but have been together for over 20 years). This partly came as a shock, but also not so much. If that makes any sense. I talked with my mother about this and asked for her reasons of breaking up after such a long time. She said “he just can’t change his personality”.

This somehow really upset me. I got angry at people breaking up with their significant other, they’ve been dating for so many years. I do understand, it is healthy to get out of a relationship that is not doing you any good. And I’m all in for it! But. I don’t understand when you’re breaking up about something that has been going on ever since they started dating. Why did they keep dating, if it was so upsetting in the first place?!

I started reasoning with my mother, because I was so upset about her decision to break up. She said that he’s too messy and just some personal stuff. But then I said that she’s known about these things, when they first started dating. My mother said that they only moved in together after 10 years of being a couple, so the mess only showed up by then. But then that still leaves 10 years. I do understand that it’s different to being together and living together. And life changes, yes. Expectations change. Wants change. Everything changes.

I just don’t understand, and sometimes I feel like life is really unfair. But then I remembered that I broke up with Momo for similar reasons. He had some similar personal stuff going on, I was not willing to put up with. But then, I decided this after 1 year and not 20. You get me? And feeling so lonely, I get angry about people being upset with their boyfriends or breaking up with them for – in my opinion – silly reasons. Don’t get me wrong, I totally understand her and I’m glad she’s made that decision if she’s unhappy…

I don’t really know why I’m feeling the way I feel. But I’m just upset. Upset about how life is currently going. I feel lonely. I feel depressed. I feel weird. And I don’t really know what to do about it. There is not like a solution to solve my current situation, because every single one is not exactly what I want. I’m just so unhappy with my life. And I have always been the one to say “if you’re unhappy, change it!”… but I don’t know what to change. So I’m just trying to get through somehow.

I’m sorry for all these posts that seem very down and sad. I am sad, but I also have good times in a day. I just… I don’t know what to do anymore and I feel completely lost.

I miss my ex.

I was going on a walk today, which usually makes me think a lot about my past and present. And I started missing Momo. But let me explain further:

I have been feeling very lonely as of late – you know that already. Not in the sense that I do not love myself or cannot entertain myself – I actually can – I just feel sort of left out… for lack of better words.
Ever since I finished my apprenticeship and changed my job, my circle of friends has once more changed completely. I have never been that girl to always have the same group of friends for a long time, it has changed over time about 5-6 times since puberty. A few friends have come along ever since, but not as a group – if you know what I mean. I do have close friends – such as Mr. Cucu – when I need them, they are there. But I don’t have those friends to hang out with every weekend, like a normal 25yo-girl does. Like.. a group of friends, a clique if you will so. I usually sit at home on weekends. And don’t get me wrong, I’m okay being home most of the time, I just sometimes miss the opportunity to just text someone and a group of friends can hang out by the sea or whatever. Or just go to a certain place, I know everyone hangs out at. Just a opportunity to not feel lonely, if that makes any sense.

I was passing so many guys my age that were going to the beach with their friends today, it made me realise how lonely I actually am… and how different, I guess. I do have friends, and I probably could text them and they would gladly hang out with me. The thing is… 90% of my friends are in relationships, and I don’t like to be the 3rd wheel. The other 10% are just genuinely not interested in the same things as me, so I don’t really want to hang out with them all the time – or actually they mostly have their own group of friends and I feel awkward to ask.

I just miss having those friends to see on a regular basis. And not just once a month, like I do with Mr. Cucu (which is mainly because he lives a 2-hour drive away). Because I once was in a circle of friends who did this. And I can’t really get back into one just like that.. and that’s why I mainly miss Momo. When it wasn’t just the two of us, we would usually hang out with his friends or go out and I really liked that we could just go and have a BBQ with them every weekend. The same people, every week. I didn’t feel left out, or different.

I miss having someone to be with me every day. Someone to text. Someone to bother. Someone I can text when something silly or funny happened. Because right now I usually text no-one or just a different person considering the situation each time.
And I feel like I can’t just wait for a boyfriend to show up and bring me into a new group of friends. But then, what can I do? I’m not really outgoing and as I said most of my friends are in relationships and have couple-dates.

But whatever. The time will come. Somewhen.

being single can suck.

I thought I was doing so much better. I’m not sure if I have fooled myself or am on a roller coaster again. I felt so much better, now that school is done. But yesterday I had an all-time low. Again. I even texted Momo and told him that I had given up on hope to ever find a matching man – or a relationship at all. That’s pretty damn sad, isn’t it? Texting your ex, because you feel so lonely? What the fuck…

Don’t be worried though, I have not gotten down to meeting up with Kenny. I am still chatting with him, he is still trying to flirt and every now and then I actually let him. But it’s different. Because my emotions are off. I don’t bother to text him after Friday afternoons and it’s actually okay to have some time. But he’s the only one that makes me not feel so lonely right now, because I just know he misses me. He wouldn’t bother to text me so much and let me know how much he likes me, if he didn’t care at all. Whether that’s just to get into my pants or not, I do not care right now. But I like the idea of at least someone caring about me enough to talk to me almost daily.

But. I feel lonely. Extremely lonely. And I’m not sure what to do about it. I don’t want to just date someone for the sake of having someone in my life. But it also is a spiral down to depression, if I keep being by myself, sleeping and just not do anything. I can’t be bothered right now. And being surrounded by friends, who get married, pregnant, become father or whatever, is just making me feel so left-out. I feel like the odd one out, because I can’t seem to find someone who is willing to put up with me. And it fuckin sucks to be completely honest.

who loves me?

Maybe… I just want to be loved. Maybe I’m just searching for a man who loves me. I actually know that I can’t handle being unloved right now. What Stan did to me, hurts too much. I feel worthless, thinking about how he handled me. Maybe he has hurt me way more than I realised. I never really believed him when he said such things to me.. but then did I really not take them by heart? I do not know. I need to remind myself of the nice things he said to me, but I currently can’t. Not reading or hearing a word from him, just makes me feel like he never meant the things he said to me. That he probably never has really loved me as much as he claimed.

I actually know that things with Momo will not work out again. There was a reason we broke up in the first place, and I know for sure these things have not changed in the past year. I am just searching for some reassurance that someone actually cares for me. After he said that he probably is not 100% over me, he also made me realise that he has moved on and does not need me in his life as a girlfriend. He might not be entirely over me, but he is for the bigger part. He is willing to be my friend, but then that’s about it. And I need to accept this. I need to learn to be by myself again. I need to love myself again and realise what I am worth. I need to learn what Stan has taken away from me. I need to move on, and not search for the next boy right away. I haven’t been by myself since March this year, this is quite a long time for me. I need to be by myself again and still be happy. Without being cuddled. Without the daily reassurance. Without the jealousy. And so on.
I would have never thought I’d end up as one of those girls that can’t be alone. I have always been a loner, i always felt better being by myself rather than having a boyfriend. I was never one to be in a relationship for too long. Yet here I am, having real trouble being by myself and not having someone to depend on. Why?

Pete. I realised that he really liked me. He liked my personality, but I also knew that it would be wrong to not be honest. We have not talked since. So that kind of sucks, but I also know it’s for the best.
I will also meet a friend on Saturday. Well, maybe we’ll meet, there has no time been set yet. I haven’t seen him in years and we did make out once when we got drunk. He asked me to date again. He is not being serious about it, so I think it’s okay to go on a date for fun. I just need to realise that my worth is not measured by dates or any boy for that matter. I need to learn to treasure my worth again. Without the reassurance of anyone else.

update on my (love) life.

I did tell you guys about the date with Pete last Saturday. My friend who tried to set us up, was incredibly annoying trying to make it work. I told her that I would never get together with Pete for several reasons, but that I liked him and also would appreciate him being in my life every now and then… as a friend. I don’t think she has yet accepted this, as she is trying to find reasons for us to work out, but you know.. she will understand eventually. He also has been asking her what I told her about our date and him.. she didn’t exactly answer his question, even less told him what I did say about it. He does like me, that I am sure off. Because he did text me after our date:

Thanks for the fun evening. See you soon… hopefully… 😉 sleep well

I texted him back to thank him and that I will see him soon. We did text some more the following days, but not much deep talk at all. He asked me if I was off this weekend and I said yes, but then nothing more. I’m not sure if he wants to meet up, but however.. you know. It has been a fun date, but that’s about it.

But what I actually wanted to tell you guys. As I have mentioned before, I have texted Momo after Stan broke up with me. I am not sure why, but I just needed some reassurance. We have been getting along, just as we have before our relationship. We talk, we laugh, we tease. As I have also told you, he has been very flirty with me, which caught me a bit off guard, as I find it very weird to be flirting with an ex-boyfriend you know a lot of. Today we somehow got to the subject of other boy-/girlfriends ever since we broke up. I didn’t answer his questions, because all of a sudden I felt bad for having someone after him. Because currently I am asking myself if I ever really have gotten over him? I have been thinking about him so much in the last few weeks, it’s really weird. I mean my mind knows that there are still things that bother me about him. But I also ask myself if this could work out again? It has been a year since we broke up (like almost exactly a year)… have we changed? I do not know. But he has texted me something today that has really made my heart smile a little:

I would still not sign any contract that I have 100% gotten over you.

It’s been a year. I could have sworn he long has dated someone else or has a girlfriend. But obviously he is in the same situation as I am. But what does that mean?

date with Pete.

Things have been weird with Pete. We did change our date place to an ice hockey game in the middle of the week, which I only found out yesterday, wasn’t even taking place. He looked at the wrong date, so I texted him (after he didn’t text me for 2 days) on Friday and he apologised. So we settled for the movies once again. No more messages after that. My friend did ask me several times whether he had texted me, because they were texting.. but you know. Nothing. I didn’t get upset, I told my mom, I will not get into another relationship of me trying to catch the boy. However, he messaged me at around 4pm today, asking when we will meet up. I set a time and he told me that he was out drinking with a friend. Once more, I did not get upset about the fact that he was drinking alcohol before our actual date. Maybe he was nervous or whatever his reasons were, I was okay with that.

The actual date was fun. A lot of fun. We met up at the train station. He was late… AND on the phone when he was walking towards me. I was laughing my ass off, for whatever reason. I waited for another 5 minutes till he came over and said hello. We quickly got into a conversation. There was never any awkward silence between us, although he did most of the talking. I was totally fine with it and he made me laugh a lot – which isn’t the easiest task as of lately. We also bumped into a friend of us we both know, who was very surprised to see us together. Oh how the talk will start.
Anyway. So we went to the movies, he talked a lot. He talked to me in English (he is native English, whilst I am not) and we just got along. We had a lot to laugh about and just genuinely had a good time. During the break of the movie he wanted to get out, because he didn’t like the movie, but I asked him to stay, so we did. I drove him to a bar after the movie and got myself home, as I have work tomorrow (it’s currently 12am, so yay).

As I have mentioned, the date was fun. But realising how much I didn’t care about things that usually bother me just let me know there was something off with me. It got me thinking a lot about my ex-boyfriends. Especially Stan. When Stan and I sat in the movies for our first date, the sparks just flew all around us – I knew that he was interested and so was I. We wanted to touch each other and started to tease and stuff. We also had a lot of fun, but there was just more to it. This didn’t happen with Pete and when I first saw Pete, I knew he would only become a good friend – if any. I genuinely like him. I really do. But I don’t think he is interested either. I do not know. We also talked about a next date, but I don’t think this will ever turn into something more.
There’s a lot of reasons for that (on my part): he doesn’t want kids for the sake of his life, he smokes, he drinks a lot of alcohol and just the way he talks about certain things and I’m not physically attracted to him (this is the tiniest of problems though). I do like him. As a friend.
I told these things to my friend, who set us up, and she got upset and said that maybe he will change his mind about the kids. I just replied “maybe is not enough for me”. Because “maybe” has made me think a lot about Momo and Stan. Seriously. This date has made me miss Stan even more, and what is awkward,… I also miss Momo. I have been texting with him for the last few days and he has openly been flirting with me, which I cannot seem to get used to. But it’s good for my ego, so I let him. We’ll see where the future leads me. For now I better stay single and I actually think it’s a good thing. I wish there’d just be a mix of Momo and Stan and I would be perfectly happy.