thoughts elsewhere.

That one time with a teacher…

So this is going to be completely off topic (as in nothing to do with Paraplegic), but I need to remember this forever (or at least be able to read back on it):

This is going to sound much weirder than it actually is, trust me on this!
As many of you may know, I am still at school. For the last 3 years I’ve had a thing with one of the teachers. We always teased each other and it got worse with each year. This is nothing sexual, just to be clear (he’s gay and I’ve known since the beginning).
I always wondered why he was hitting on me – of all people in my class, I am quite the shy one in the beginning. Adding into that – obviously – he’s interested in guys, so why was he hitting on me in front of everyone? Of course at first I thought I was just imagining things, but when people started asking what was going on between us, I knew something was up.
A few weeks ago I started teasing back and just… I joined the game. And this got big time, as in last week he was touching me all the time (of course referring to the subject of the lesson) and me acting like I was grossed out and stuff… Sadly enough, last week was also the last time he had to teach our class forever.

Fast forward: Today I talked to a co-worker. She used to teach at the same school and bumped into said teacher the other day. Somehow (don’t ask me why) they came to speak of me. Here’s the thing. She told me that she had heard I was very good at school and I asked her where she knew that from (since she has no insight in my marks). She told me that she had bumped into teacher at a wedding and they came to speak of me.

She said: “He’s intimidated by your intelligence. He told me that you are SO intelligent. He does like you!”
What? What did just happen? This is so absurd to me and yet so funny. I mean, of course we like each other or we wouldn’t have had so much fun teasing whilst everyone was listening/watching… but him telling someone I know that he thinks I am intelligent? I never even thought he remembered my name! I knew that he knew who I was, since he also teased when we weren’t in a lesson. But he never remembered my name in classes. I’m also asking myself why he thought I was intelligent, since I wasn’t the most active person in his classes to be smart or anything…?

Since he is somewhat of an idol for me (just because of his way of thinking and the things he does) this is the hugest compliment for me. And he’s super intelligent so this is really… wow. I don’t even know what to say about it.

It just completely blew me.

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love for Mr. Cucu

On a whole other note, and much more positive for once: Mr. Cucu.

I’m looking into holidays with him again in just 24 days. And I am so happy about it. I’m happy because I know we get along perfectly. That 2 weeks with him away from all the pain and stress at home, will be the perfect time-out. I’m so glad I decided to go, no matter what Alan had said back then. Because I would be completely lost now without Mr. Cucu.

My mom asked me today, why I had been calling him Mr. Cucu (she doesn’t even remember his real name) and I thought back to the good old days, when everything started. And then she had that look on her face. I know her well enough by now, to know what it means. It was the face of “oh my daughter is in love with that guy”. Which….

I’m not.

I mean. Every time something does go wrong in my love life, I do think that Mr. Cucu would be the perfect boyfriend (I actually always think about this). And today when I have been reading back on all the old posts about him, I had to chuckle a little bit. Little did I know 5 years ago, he would become such a big and important part of my life. Even back then, when he wasn’t that close to me, I knew how perfect he’d be and how terrified I was to actually lose him by trying to date him.
5 years later, and I’m still standing at the same exact spot. Our friendship has developed. He’s the best friend I could ever ask for. We have been talking about our breakups, our heartbreak, but still can be silly together. I have not once in my life had a fight with him. He never got on my nerves, even when we spent 24/7 together for 2 weeks. Not once. And I cannot say this about anyone else in my life.

We always are joking about getting married one day. I just wish I could really joke about it, and deep down not wish for it to come true. If I’d know I would not ruin our friendship, I would have long ago made a move on him. But I am absolutely terrified of losing him. And I guess that’s why – for the last 5+ years – I have been able to ignore my feelings – or whatever you may call them. I am not actually in love with him, but I also am not allowing myself to. I love him. I truly deeply love him from the bottom of my heart. But as a friend. And the wish to be able and love him as my boyfriend, has always and probably always will be there.

Just a few thoughts on that. Don’t know where that came from.

another argument

Last week Alan and I had another argument. Well, argument actually is the wrong wording. It was more of a discussion. I asked him whether it would be okay if I went to the movies with Mr. Cucu, because we had to plan our holidays together afterwards.

Short story behind all this: I asked him pretty much in the beginning of getting to know him whether it would be okay if I went on holidays with Mr. Cucu for 2 weeks in summer. He said that it was okay back then (about 1 month ago). When I mentioned the holidays again last week, he asked whether Mr. Cucu had a girlfriend or not. I said “not that I know of”. He was just like “okay”, so I knew something was up.

I told him once more that if he wasn’t okay with me going on holidays with Mr. Cucu, he should let me know now, not once we’ve booked everything. He said that it didn’t bother him, he just has never been in that situation before. When I asked once more he said “I don’t want to ruin your holidays, but if you’re staying in the same room…… it’s not like I don’t trust you, it’s just weird for me.”

I tried to explain to him that I totally do understand his point of view and that I would not be okay if the situation were reversed. But also that Mr. Cucu was more like a brother to me, that we never cuddled or anything the like (which is true.. Although there once has been a time when I wanted to date him, this has long been gone. I actually never could have imagined actually kissing him, even during that time). He then just said “well there are rooms with twin beds, right?”

But somehow it just didn’t felt like we were done yet, so I said once more that I would understand if he told me not to go on holidays with him. He said “I already told you how I think about this. I trust you and I am not going to forbid anything, it’s just a weird situation for me.” I once more explained that I would not be angry and I did not see it as “forbidding”, that I wouldn’t have asked if I wouldn’t have changed a thing, right? I would have just said “I’m going on holidays with Mr. Cucu, I don’t give a fuck whether it bothers you” (pretty much like I did with Stan…) So he was saying that he didn’t want to intervene into this friendship. But that he would be okay, if he knew that we had a “healthy distance” and would not sleep in the same bed. That’s when I told him he should meet Mr. Cucu and see how we’re dealing with each other.

We did not talk about it again afterwards,… I did tell him that I wanted to talk about it again, until I actually had the feeling that he was okay with it. This hasn’t happened yet, BUT he has met Mr. Cucu last weekend and to me it felt like they were getting along. They will not become best friends, but they seem okay. So I’ll have to ask him again how he feels about the situation.

It’s really weird for me, to actually talk things out and not shout at each other and have no understanding whatsoever (like things went with Stan each time we argued). It’s great to actually have someone understanding and loving. That’s how it should have been all along, right?!

Offtopic: What was really cute and surprising: he actually remembered the date when we first met (I didn’t know by heart). We were talking about which day to take as our anniversary day (because let’s be honest, Valentine’s day sucks as an anniversary day) and I said we could take the day we met. But who cares really?! As long as we stay together 🙂

Christmas Spirit

Christmas means a lot to me. Spending time with the family, being happy – despite all the problems and issues we have. It means getting together and accepting each other just the way they are.

After what I told you guys in my last post, about my brother hugging me for the first time in about 8 years, my heart got filled with so much love, I can’t even explain. There was just such a relief and as I said, all my anger just vanished into thin air. It showed me, what Christmas really means. It’s about the love for family. About spending time together and appreciate every single one, that is able to be there. That you are never alone in this world and family just means so much more than just being related.

On the other hand Christmas always means, that I will get very sad afterwards. A heavy heart with lots of love, but still a piece missing nonetheless.
I love spending time with my family, but it also makes very visible to me, just how broken my family is. I haven’t seen my father for probably 10 years now, although he lives in my neighbour town. It’s a long story (read here, if you’re interested in the whole story), but each year it just makes me insanely sad, that he cannot get over himself and his pride to talk to his only daughter. But it’s okay. I dealt with it for the last 10 years, I will do it for another 10.

So until then, I’ll hang onto the love I do have in me.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Christmas

Christmas has never been my favourite holidays, as my family was pretty messed up from the early days on. Once my brother got his first kiddo, I loved it – for them. Not for the reason of a family, but just spending time with the little ones.

This year I was somewhat bummed about the holiday. I have been kinda depressed for the last few weeks and just really wasn’t in the mood. But once more, I got proved how wrong I can be and how easily a ‘hatred’ towards someone can be blown away.

My brother, his wife, his two kiddos, my grandma and my mom spent the Christmas Eve at mine. As I said, I wasn’t really in the mood, but loved spending time with my nephew and niece. For several years I have hated the gift giving, as people never quite get me what I can use. BUT, I love getting them presents. The last few years I didn’t actually put much thought into what I bought my brother. We have been arguing more than usual, although we once used to be so close. We just drifted apart, especially this last year. I’m not sure what the exact reason was, but I was just over trying to figure it out, and let it take its path.

I decided to get them (him and his wife) some bathrubs as I know how much they love to bath. They were very happy about it, which surprised me a lot. First his wifey came over and hugged me (I don’t think we’ve ever hugged since I’ve met her about 10 years ago). Then later on my brother came over and hugged me. For a very long time.
And it reminded me of the time, when my grandpa died. He asked me if I would come to see him one last time, and I remember how scared I was to see a dead man, but wanted to be there for him. So we went there and saw him. He held me and cried (he’s a few years older than me), which back then meant so much to me. He’s the strong one, never showing feelings, you know. He cried and told me how much he loved me. Something that never happened before.
Today was just the same. He just wouldn’t let go for what felt like an eternity. And I really just had to think about all these times he helped me get out of depression, and all of a sudden – all the anger I held towards him just vanished. He hugged me again before he left. So maybe 2016 will at least end on good terms.

friends’ story.

This post is going to be a freakin‘ long ranting post about my friend and realising what is going on in my life. When I first typed this post out in my head (as I always do), I just needed to vent about my friend. But then I realised something else.

But let’s not start at the end of the story:
I have a friend from school, J. I have been good friends with her for almost 2 years now and she is dear to me. However… the last few months when we didn’t see each other daily at school (but still like weekly or monthly at training), she didn’t give a shit about me. I did not get one text message and I talked to her one time in 6 months, because any other time, she was busy with her other friends. As school restarted this week, I noticed that something was bothering her and I asked her. That’s how I got her story:

J has had a boyfriend for the last 3 years. Ever since I’ve known her, she always told me how much she loved him and she wanted to have kids with him and whatever. They were very happy and I saw it and envied it. She also lives with the best friend of her boyfriend, who is also her own best friend. I know all three of them, as I spent quite some time at her place last year.
I always thought it to be awkward that she lived with his best friend, but then I would live with Mr. Cucu in an instant. I accept people the way they are and let them live their way. And her boyfriend was okay with it, so who am I to judge?
Then J went on with her story: 
2 months ago she went on holidays with her flatmate and they had a thing going on. They first thought it was a one-time-thing, because of their drunken selves,.. but kept having a lot of sex back at home. So basically, she has been in an affair with her boyfriends’ best friend for almost 2 months and her boyfriend doesn’t know any of it. Unfortunately she now has fallen in love with her flatmate.

As you might know, I am not too keen on cheating after what happened with Stan last year. I told her that first of all she owed her boyfriend a clean break. She should at least be honourable enough to let him go, no matter if it is “just” a short-lived crush on her flatmate or not. It is unfair to her boyfriend to keep him hanging without knowing what is going on.
She didn’t want to, because she didn’t want to hurt him and she thought that maybe she might forget about her flatmate – or everything actually – again. Deep down she knew, that she was lying to herself, so I let her figure that out herself. She kept going back and forth between flatmate and her boyfriend, and I just told her that she needs to make a decision, especially for the sake of her boyfriend. He needs to know, why she’s behaving so weird. She told me then, that she will never tell him that she fucked his best friend, and they don’t intend on letting him know – ever. I don’t really agree on the dishonesty, but it’s their choice to live with that lie. It’s not my place to judge. Again.

Anyway, so we talked for about an hour after school ended, as I didn’t know any of that story and I let her in on what I thought about all of this. I missed 3 of my trains back home (she lives a 10min walk away from school, whilst it takes me 45min with public transport). At the end I told her to let me know, if she needed  a break and wanted to get away from her flatmate for some time and stay at mine. She took me up on that offer and came over an hour later (well I picked her up, but whatever).

Now here’s the thing: I know that I can be an awesome friend. I listen to people for hours, I am very empathic and do understand most people even if I don’t agree – I always accept their opinions. I have a lot of patience and listen to them ramble on and on and on for hours, even if it’s the same story over and over again. I stayed up till 1.30am to let her cry it all out, to get her mind off things and just be there for her. I let her sleep in my bed, although I cannot sleep when someone is in my room at all. I bought food for her and cooked it for her. I did everything possible, to make her feel better (although in all honesty, in my opinion she does not deserve to, but then it is not my place to judge her actions). I do accept every person, and everyone can do whatever he/she likes to do, even if I don’t agree with it. I am not here to judge (unless I am involved myself).
But she was just rude. I did not get a thank you, until she was back at home and felt the need to send a message to thank me, just to ramble on about her flatmate. She took my blanket and didn’t even offer me half of it, she used more than half of my bed, when she clearly had more than enough space. I cooked for her, and it wasn’t even appreciated. No thank you, or even washing the dishes. She let everything on the table for me to clean up, once she was gone. I helped her write a letter to her boyfriend and listened to her rambling on and on. Always offering the same piece of advice over and over again, but also being very understanding of her current situation (because for fuck’s sake, for some reason I do understand what she’s going through). She was texting on her phone in the middle of the night, so I woke up because of the light. She was actually on her phone, most of the time, despite me sitting next to her. Just things like that.

So what has all of this to do with my life?
It made me realise how many bullshit friends I actually have. I tried to think about who I would go to, if I’d be in her situation. Is there anyone in my life, who would offer me a place to stay? An open and understanding ear to listen? A shoulder to cry on?
And I cannot name you one. Yes, I do have friends, but none if them care that deeply for me. And it makes me angry how I always do everything for people like J, when I don’t get anything in return. She didn’t give a fuck about me, when Stan cheated on me and I was bawling my eyes out for months and was just fuckin’ lonely all the freakin’ time. Nobody cared. Or even noticed in the first place.
And this made me realise how freakin’ lonely I actually am. I do not wish for a boyfriend at every price. But I would love to have a significant other, because I know I would join his group of friends.  I would have someone to rely on, someone who would be here in situations like these… But what for? To end up just as lonely again once it is over?

I don’t freakin’ know where my life has taken me, but it’s a pretty darn dark place. And I have become very socially anxious, which sucks big time. I don’t like going out at all anymore, not even with friends. I just wished for J to disappear all night yesterday, because I wanted to be alone. How sad is this life of mine? But still, I am somewhat pleased with it, I don’t feel sad. Most of the time.
It just makes me angry to know, that of all the people in my life, it’s only my mother I can truly depend on. And that makes me sad, because she won’t be here forever.

All of this has left me feeling sucked out. Empty. And nauseous. And I’m just done with today.

that’s all it is…

Be forewarned, there might be a very depressed post ahead.

Sometimes I wonder if there is anyone out there, who cares the slightest about me. I have found myself thinking how everybody is going out with their friends, go on holidays with their beloved one, marry their significant other, having fun at a theme park with their friends or just randomly chatting with a good friend… and then there’s me. Sitting in my bed. Every day. Alone.
For the longest time, I avoided typing this out, because it makes everything so real. But I am alone. I used to have friends, who only had me,.. who made me feel special and cherished. I felt like they needed me, and I felt important. And then they found a boy-/girlfriend, got into a new group of friends and spent time with them. And I slowly faded out of their life, the importance vanished… I can’t blame them, I’m not the best friend on this world and I keep hanging at home, because I am scared to go out. I rather stay for a movie night, then go out clubbing. I understand that they leave me out. Who wants to hang out with anyone like that? Who wants to hang out with someone that doesn’t ‘bother’ to find time to spend with them…? I wouldn’t either.

Anxiety has taken a huge part in my life again.

I have found myself thinking that my life is actually a game. I know how weird this sounds, but sometimes I’m overwhelmed with the feeling that if I mess it up enough, I will  get a 1UP and begin from anew. Have a new chance to not mess things up and find my true love. This is absolutely nutshell and I know it, but I can’t shake that feeling off. I just am scared to spend this life alone. I want this to be a game, I am able to mess up and not be damaged for the rest of my life without a second chance.

I have my mom, who cares deeply about me, yes. But then that’s about everybody in my life. Friends, who I thought I would have all my life have slowly vanished after meeting their girlfriend. Friends, I have loved spending time with, are into sports and other friends now. Or just starting a family on their own. There’s no place for me.
Sure, I am happy as long as I work. I have lovely colleagues and can help my patients. I’m never alone when I work, I have people all around me. And they like me. But that’s all it is. A work-relationship. For the time being – as long as my shift lasts. I have not met one colleague out of work yet. I have not met a patient to go out (sure, I have bumped into several and had a short catchup, but then again.. that’s all it was – smalltalk).

I just feel so lonely and I feel like I don’t even have a chance to find that significant other. How? I don’t go out, because I have no friends to go out with. And I have shut down so much as not to even meet anyone on the internet. When the loneliness gets too much to bear, I get on Tinder and get my ego back, seeing that there are still guys out there, who match me. But then again… that’s all it is. An internet connection.

Just a quick example for what I’m feeling: guy’s friend. It has been over a month that my friend gave him my number and he has never even reached out to me. What is there to lose for him? Like, we could just chat. I do understand he doesn’t want to get into any new relationship, when he’s still thinking about his ex. But is there any harm to chat? And that’s why I think that he’s not actually interested. My friend said he was not turned off by my approach, but I don’t believe it anymore. I don’t think he even saved my number. I keep bumping into pictures of him, or just random thinking about him and it makes me so sad that I don’t even get a chance. Feeling like I once more waste a one-time chance.

Slowly drowning in self-pity, how much I hate this feeling. But I’m not sure how to get out of this spiral right now.