New one – Max

I’ve just returned from a new date. And after I’ve been so sad after the last, I was a bit held back about being eager about this one. But everything was different. We had been texting for hours for 2 days, we just clicked right away and honestly – everything was easy and right. So I kind of made him as whether we could meet up l. He works shifts as well. So we had to find a day and turns out, if we are spontaneous (and it was about 1am by then) we could meet up that same day around 11am.

I was so nervous and I told him. I didn’t sleep till 4am, I woke up around 8am again and was so done with life. But yet. Very happy to see him soon. He told me he had been nervous as well, which gave me some relief. He texted me around 10.40 tha the might be late so I just walked very slowly to our meeting point (he came to my town). By 10.50 he texted me, saying he was already there. So I walked a little faster and then didn’t see him at the palace we said. I texted him “where are you hiding” and whilst I waited for his response I saw him in his car. It made me laugh, because he didn’t notice me so I sat there looking at him until he got out of the car. He then saw me and just shook his head, smiling. We hugged hello and went into the cafe.

We talked. We ate, we drank.. toll like 4.30pm, so 5 hours of talking and we had it all. Funny stories, sad stories, opinions about stuff, stories about our past dates and exboy-/girlfriends. It all just matched perfectly. And he was looking so good, honestly. I kept looking at his lips. Because he is so beautiful and it was the first time I started thinking about a kiss… but knew I did not want to make that first step.

At one point in that conversation he said, he would have a big dinner, so I guessed he had some plans in the evening. Which was fine for me. By 4pm he asked whether we should go for a walk, so he payed the bill and we walked to the lake. We bumped into my best friend, which was kinda awkward because I hadn’t told her that I’ve met someone. We talked for a little while and went on (and saw 2 other people I knew)… we then sat at the lake again, talking, blabering and just having a blast. I started reaching out to him from time to time (holding his arm when telling something, clapping his arm when he was making fun of me and stuff like that). There was still no moment of kiss and it was fine by me. At around 7pm he asked whether I wanted to go home and even though I really didn’t, I have an early shift tomorrow so I knew I needed to get home. And he was hungry.

He drove me to my place and he asked me whether I needed the free pass (I had told him the other day. That f it was really a bad date, we would take a free pass and forget about the first date and get another one). I had completely forgotten about what I had said about the free pass. So he reminded me. However… during the whole date I kept saying “on our next date” or “when we see each other next time” and at one point took it back, realising that maybe he didn’t want to. And he took that as an “you don’t want to see me again”. Anyway. So we said goodbye and I told him to text me when he was home.

I texted him whilst he was driving home. That I had really enjoyed the date and would like to use the free pass. But because I wanted to see him again. But I would be ok when he didn’t. Because I hurt his arm and just funny stuff. He sent me a voice message saying that he had really enjoyed that date and would like to continue seeing each other. So I guess we will…:)

am I bisexual?

This is something that has been on my mind for a long time. I am not afraid to talk about it, it’s just weird. I have told a good friend of mine who is supporting me way too much for my liking. Have not told my best friend yet, because I’m not entirely sure how she will react. Not afraid she will not support me, just… that things would change.

So, what am I hinting at. A few years back, I wished to be gay. This may sound really weird, but I always thought that it would be easier to be in a relationship with a woman. They are more empathic than the men I have met so far, and they understand me better than men do. No judgement here.
For as long as I can think, I always found women bodies way more attractive than men. When I was younger, I was even “afraid” of penises. It didn’t turn me on (but it didn’t turn me off either). I just accepted that for what it was, but kept being in relationship with men (like you all know). Even though I fully accepted me being attracted to women bodywise, I always knew I could not be in a relationship with a girl. I was too keen on men all my life, spending most of my time with men – friendshipwise. It thought women are way too complicated and too much feeling for my liking. I know this is not really making any sense at all.
Like I said a couple of years ago I really really wished to be a lesbian. I was so sick of men and how they treated me. I even turned on both genders on Tinder. But I could not get myself to write with them.

Now. What happened? I am now 32 years old and I wonder whether I probably am bisexual. No problem with that. Like I said, I was always turned on by women. I even could imagine myself having sex with them. I have talked about this with friends. My best friend said she thinks women are attractive, too, but she could not imagine having sex with one (even though she’s had several sex dreams with me haha). There’s nothing wrong with that, but like I said. I never saw myself in a relationship with a women.
Until a few days ago. At work I have met a girl – Sash. She was looking into our job and so we spent 4 entire days together. We had a blast, she was like my best friend and I really loved spending time with her. We talked a lot – mostly about work, but also a little about other things. Well, mostly me rambling about my exboyfriend. She did not say much to it or about her love life, which is fine. On her last day (Friday) I waited for her to get changed so we could walk outside. And then we spent almost 2 hours outside in the cold, just talking. It was great and I really started to like her. No thoughts about a relationship there though. Just enjoying time with a new friend.

The next day I spent with my best friend, I told her about Sash and realised that I really missed her. I did have her phone number, so that was cool and I could text her. And I kept thinking about her every now and then. I texted my good friend on Sunday evening about my feelings and he said to go for it. I don’t even know whether she is gay or not. I have always been bad at realising who is gay and who is not (just because I don’t care anyway). But something is telling me that she is. But I can’t bring myself to ask her.

On our last shift together, I told her about a doctor I fancied. We flirted a little in front of her and we were making fun about something he said. So I sent him my address (he said he didn’t know where to visit me, because it was his last day on our unit) by email. She found that very funny.

On Monday I texted her, asking how her first day in the other hospital had been going. She sent me a voice message about 1.5 minutes, and I smiled like a little kiddo. I loved hearing her voice, which just underlined how I felt about her. She ended the message with “but most importantly, has the doctor answered your mail?!”. I was sad somehow, because realising that she things I am only interested in men because of that stupid flirting.
And then I thought she really did not want to text at all, but she kept the conversation going. The next day she texted me on instagram and so we have been in contact all week. Not really long texts, but just a little each day.

Today I woke up from a dream of her. She picked me up to go to work and I kissed her. She did not flinch, but she also did not go in for more. Which I interpreted as her not being interested. Of course I texted her this morning, telling her about my dream (just didn’t say that we kissed) and she found it so funny. I then said “maybe I should have given YOU my address”, she just sent laughing smileys.

I really don’t know what to do or what to think. I know that I should ask her about her sexual orientation, but then I also don’t know what this is about me. Am I really bisexual or am I just reading too much into too tiny things? No idea. So I will have to see how things go from here. Like I said, I am completely open and I do not care whether I am bisexual or not, it’s just weird to have these feelings all of a sudden when I had wished for them my entire life.

Kissed my boss

I’m feeling so weird. As I’ve mentioned in my last post, my feelings about my boss Max… Are whatever. Last week, we were at a party and I knew my boyfriend and him would meet again. Which is not a bad thing at all, but I wasn’t sure how either one of them would react. My boss did not hug me hello, which was okay (but also obvious since he hugged everyone except for me). And after a couple of weird minutes between Scott and Max, they got along again.

I pushed my thoughts far away. I have now just woken up from a dream about kissing Max. I was feeling better when I got to know last week that he has been with his girlfriend for 11 years. But my gut feeling is telling me, they’re not happy anymore. But it doesn’t matter. This is NOT going to happen.

However. Someone at work got the flu and therefore can’t go to work. I offered to take his shifts. There were several other people able to take his shifts. My boss then came over to me and said that I would be the one to take the shifts, because he did not want to spend all night with the other girls… You know? I know he likes me, but I’m just not sure what it is between us. And maybe it’s good I leave, so my feelings can vanish again. It just threw me off this morning, sleeping next to my boyfriend and dreaming of kissing my boss (and a friend of him). I feel awful to be honest, although I know it is not my fault.

What the…. F***

weird feelings and moving in

This probably is going to be along one, because I need to vent. There are several things that have been on my mind lately and just need to type them out. I don’t necessarily need advice, just… just get it off my chest I guess.

So there’s 2 main things on my mind right now. Let’s start with the good one: Scott and I are moving in together. We went to see some flats last week and have now just gotten the contract to the one flat we really wanted. So we were so happy about it. I’m not yet sure how good we will match when living together, because I have been needing a lot of time to myself lately and not sure how good that will work once we live together. On the other hand, he probably won’t be as clingy if we see each other daily. With us working irregular, it has been a bit hard (on him) to not see me for a few days due to our work. But he has been getting better, after many conversations.

Now the thing is,… I’ve been having weird feelings toward my boss. I need to get a little into the past to clarify things. My boss Max is a old friend of Scott. They’ve been working together like 10 years ago. They both come from the same country and have emigrated to my country a few years ago. Boss has come to the hospital I work at, because Scott first worked there as well. I did not know him beforehand, but remember the day they told me about a new colleague. I was single back then and when I saw his age (2 years older than me) I was very hopeful it would be a beautiful, young man I might date. Who knows what was going on in my wicked head, but whatever. And then the first day he came, he indeed was beautiful. But also told me pretty early on that he has a daughter, as well as a girlfriend – not married though. So I was done with the idea of dating our “new cool young colleague”. Move forward to October last year, when Scott left our work place. Somehow I’ve gotten to be the replacement of Scott, which means Max talked to me a lot and told me all the secret things nobody should know in our team. He had become boss back in May, so that has been a while. I never really talked to him a lot beforehand, but once Scott was gone, we started talking. A lot.
We also spent a lot of night shifts together and therefore had a lot of time on our hands. We got along perfectly. I also talked to him about my issues in my relationship, since he knew Scott and could help me about at times. But also told me that it was just Scott the way he was. I started to realise that Max had a lot of things I loved, which Scott lacked of. Like he was young and already studied a lot, was my boss, had a lot of freedom and so on. Just things that I missed in Scott. So I started to dream of being with him instead of Scott. It seemed like he was a better Scott. I knew that I was talking myself into things, that weren’t true – one because my relationship with Scott was hard at the time and two because I did not actually know Max that good personally. Like I know a few things about him and have been at his place (not alone!), but… there are a few things I also don’t like about him. But we’ve been getting closer and closer. And I know that Scott hates it. Anyway, just today – once more – we talked about our team and how the future will look like. I’m leaving that work place in April to study in another city. Max and I have been talking about me going back once my studies are done, and I know he would love to take me back. He never actually said it, but just today said again “you just go and study and in 2 years we will see ;)”… it’s not that I don’t love Scott, or that I do not want to be with him. I guess it’s just me reasoning of being sick of how hard it has been in that relationship. It has been a lot of work, but then also Scott has been so good to me. Like he is such a good person.

However… I haven’t been feeling to spend time with him. I did not want to be physical with him, although the sex is great *TMI* so I guess.. I just wanted to have a reason. Max definitely is not one, and I do see a future – like long time future with Scott. I do not want to leave him or there are no thoughts of breaking up with him. But there have also been some thoughts about Max and how a future with him would look like.

I don’t know. This makes no sense at all and I do not know what is going on in my brain. But I just needed to get it off. Hopefully once I’m leaving my work place, these thoughts will leave as well. Although I also kind of wanna keep in contact with Max. Which I’m not sure I will do, due to obvious reasons. But then also he said today we need to go out at some point (WITH Scott, so no date – don’t get me wrong). Anyway, we’ll see what the future holds.

That one time with a teacher…

So this is going to be completely off topic (as in nothing to do with Paraplegic), but I need to remember this forever (or at least be able to read back on it):

This is going to sound much weirder than it actually is, trust me on this!
As many of you may know, I am still at school. For the last 3 years I’ve had a thing with one of the teachers. We always teased each other and it got worse with each year. This is nothing sexual, just to be clear (he’s gay and I’ve known since the beginning).
I always wondered why he was hitting on me – of all people in my class, I am quite the shy one in the beginning. Adding into that – obviously – he’s interested in guys, so why was he hitting on me in front of everyone? Of course at first I thought I was just imagining things, but when people started asking what was going on between us, I knew something was up.
A few weeks ago I started teasing back and just… I joined the game. And this got big time, as in last week he was touching me all the time (of course referring to the subject of the lesson) and me acting like I was grossed out and stuff… Sadly enough, last week was also the last time he had to teach our class forever.

Fast forward: Today I talked to a co-worker. She used to teach at the same school and bumped into said teacher the other day. Somehow (don’t ask me why) they came to speak of me. Here’s the thing. She told me that she had heard I was very good at school and I asked her where she knew that from (since she has no insight in my marks). She told me that she had bumped into teacher at a wedding and they came to speak of me.

She said: “He’s intimidated by your intelligence. He told me that you are SO intelligent. He does like you!”
What? What did just happen? This is so absurd to me and yet so funny. I mean, of course we like each other or we wouldn’t have had so much fun teasing whilst everyone was listening/watching… but him telling someone I know that he thinks I am intelligent? I never even thought he remembered my name! I knew that he knew who I was, since he also teased when we weren’t in a lesson. But he never remembered my name in classes. I’m also asking myself why he thought I was intelligent, since I wasn’t the most active person in his classes to be smart or anything…?

Since he is somewhat of an idol for me (just because of his way of thinking and the things he does) this is the hugest compliment for me. And he’s super intelligent so this is really… wow. I don’t even know what to say about it.

It just completely blew me.

love for Mr. Cucu

On a whole other note, and much more positive for once: Mr. Cucu.

I’m looking into holidays with him again in just 24 days. And I am so happy about it. I’m happy because I know we get along perfectly. That 2 weeks with him away from all the pain and stress at home, will be the perfect time-out. I’m so glad I decided to go, no matter what Alan had said back then. Because I would be completely lost now without Mr. Cucu.

My mom asked me today, why I had been calling him Mr. Cucu (she doesn’t even remember his real name) and I thought back to the good old days, when everything started. And then she had that look on her face. I know her well enough by now, to know what it means. It was the face of “oh my daughter is in love with that guy”. Which….

I’m not.

I mean. Every time something does go wrong in my love life, I do think that Mr. Cucu would be the perfect boyfriend (I actually always think about this). And today when I have been reading back on all the old posts about him, I had to chuckle a little bit. Little did I know 5 years ago, he would become such a big and important part of my life. Even back then, when he wasn’t that close to me, I knew how perfect he’d be and how terrified I was to actually lose him by trying to date him.
5 years later, and I’m still standing at the same exact spot. Our friendship has developed. He’s the best friend I could ever ask for. We have been talking about our breakups, our heartbreak, but still can be silly together. I have not once in my life had a fight with him. He never got on my nerves, even when we spent 24/7 together for 2 weeks. Not once. And I cannot say this about anyone else in my life.

We always are joking about getting married one day. I just wish I could really joke about it, and deep down not wish for it to come true. If I’d know I would not ruin our friendship, I would have long ago made a move on him. But I am absolutely terrified of losing him. And I guess that’s why – for the last 5+ years – I have been able to ignore my feelings – or whatever you may call them. I am not actually in love with him, but I also am not allowing myself to. I love him. I truly deeply love him from the bottom of my heart. But as a friend. And the wish to be able and love him as my boyfriend, has always and probably always will be there.

Just a few thoughts on that. Don’t know where that came from.

another argument

Last week Alan and I had another argument. Well, argument actually is the wrong wording. It was more of a discussion. I asked him whether it would be okay if I went to the movies with Mr. Cucu, because we had to plan our holidays together afterwards.

Short story behind all this: I asked him pretty much in the beginning of getting to know him whether it would be okay if I went on holidays with Mr. Cucu for 2 weeks in summer. He said that it was okay back then (about 1 month ago). When I mentioned the holidays again last week, he asked whether Mr. Cucu had a girlfriend or not. I said “not that I know of”. He was just like “okay”, so I knew something was up.

I told him once more that if he wasn’t okay with me going on holidays with Mr. Cucu, he should let me know now, not once we’ve booked everything. He said that it didn’t bother him, he just has never been in that situation before. When I asked once more he said “I don’t want to ruin your holidays, but if you’re staying in the same room…… it’s not like I don’t trust you, it’s just weird for me.”

I tried to explain to him that I totally do understand his point of view and that I would not be okay if the situation were reversed. But also that Mr. Cucu was more like a brother to me, that we never cuddled or anything the like (which is true.. Although there once has been a time when I wanted to date him, this has long been gone. I actually never could have imagined actually kissing him, even during that time). He then just said “well there are rooms with twin beds, right?”

But somehow it just didn’t felt like we were done yet, so I said once more that I would understand if he told me not to go on holidays with him. He said “I already told you how I think about this. I trust you and I am not going to forbid anything, it’s just a weird situation for me.” I once more explained that I would not be angry and I did not see it as “forbidding”, that I wouldn’t have asked if I wouldn’t have changed a thing, right? I would have just said “I’m going on holidays with Mr. Cucu, I don’t give a fuck whether it bothers you” (pretty much like I did with Stan…) So he was saying that he didn’t want to intervene into this friendship. But that he would be okay, if he knew that we had a “healthy distance” and would not sleep in the same bed. That’s when I told him he should meet Mr. Cucu and see how we’re dealing with each other.

We did not talk about it again afterwards,… I did tell him that I wanted to talk about it again, until I actually had the feeling that he was okay with it. This hasn’t happened yet, BUT he has met Mr. Cucu last weekend and to me it felt like they were getting along. They will not become best friends, but they seem okay. So I’ll have to ask him again how he feels about the situation.

It’s really weird for me, to actually talk things out and not shout at each other and have no understanding whatsoever (like things went with Stan each time we argued). It’s great to actually have someone understanding and loving. That’s how it should have been all along, right?!

Offtopic: What was really cute and surprising: he actually remembered the date when we first met (I didn’t know by heart). We were talking about which day to take as our anniversary day (because let’s be honest, Valentine’s day sucks as an anniversary day) and I said we could take the day we met. But who cares really?! As long as we stay together 🙂

Christmas Spirit

Christmas means a lot to me. Spending time with the family, being happy – despite all the problems and issues we have. It means getting together and accepting each other just the way they are.

After what I told you guys in my last post, about my brother hugging me for the first time in about 8 years, my heart got filled with so much love, I can’t even explain. There was just such a relief and as I said, all my anger just vanished into thin air. It showed me, what Christmas really means. It’s about the love for family. About spending time together and appreciate every single one, that is able to be there. That you are never alone in this world and family just means so much more than just being related.

On the other hand Christmas always means, that I will get very sad afterwards. A heavy heart with lots of love, but still a piece missing nonetheless.
I love spending time with my family, but it also makes very visible to me, just how broken my family is. I haven’t seen my father for probably 10 years now, although he lives in my neighbour town. It’s a long story (read here, if you’re interested in the whole story), but each year it just makes me insanely sad, that he cannot get over himself and his pride to talk to his only daughter. But it’s okay. I dealt with it for the last 10 years, I will do it for another 10.

So until then, I’ll hang onto the love I do have in me.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Christmas

Christmas has never been my favourite holidays, as my family was pretty messed up from the early days on. Once my brother got his first kiddo, I loved it – for them. Not for the reason of a family, but just spending time with the little ones.

This year I was somewhat bummed about the holiday. I have been kinda depressed for the last few weeks and just really wasn’t in the mood. But once more, I got proved how wrong I can be and how easily a ‘hatred’ towards someone can be blown away.

My brother, his wife, his two kiddos, my grandma and my mom spent the Christmas Eve at mine. As I said, I wasn’t really in the mood, but loved spending time with my nephew and niece. For several years I have hated the gift giving, as people never quite get me what I can use. BUT, I love getting them presents. The last few years I didn’t actually put much thought into what I bought my brother. We have been arguing more than usual, although we once used to be so close. We just drifted apart, especially this last year. I’m not sure what the exact reason was, but I was just over trying to figure it out, and let it take its path.

I decided to get them (him and his wife) some bathrubs as I know how much they love to bath. They were very happy about it, which surprised me a lot. First his wifey came over and hugged me (I don’t think we’ve ever hugged since I’ve met her about 10 years ago). Then later on my brother came over and hugged me. For a very long time.
And it reminded me of the time, when my grandpa died. He asked me if I would come to see him one last time, and I remember how scared I was to see a dead man, but wanted to be there for him. So we went there and saw him. He held me and cried (he’s a few years older than me), which back then meant so much to me. He’s the strong one, never showing feelings, you know. He cried and told me how much he loved me. Something that never happened before.
Today was just the same. He just wouldn’t let go for what felt like an eternity. And I really just had to think about all these times he helped me get out of depression, and all of a sudden – all the anger I held towards him just vanished. He hugged me again before he left. So maybe 2016 will at least end on good terms.

friends’ story.

This post is going to be a freakin‘ long ranting post about my friend and realising what is going on in my life. When I first typed this post out in my head (as I always do), I just needed to vent about my friend. But then I realised something else.

But let’s not start at the end of the story:
I have a friend from school, J. I have been good friends with her for almost 2 years now and she is dear to me. However… the last few months when we didn’t see each other daily at school (but still like weekly or monthly at training), she didn’t give a shit about me. I did not get one text message and I talked to her one time in 6 months, because any other time, she was busy with her other friends. As school restarted this week, I noticed that something was bothering her and I asked her. That’s how I got her story:

J has had a boyfriend for the last 3 years. Ever since I’ve known her, she always told me how much she loved him and she wanted to have kids with him and whatever. They were very happy and I saw it and envied it. She also lives with the best friend of her boyfriend, who is also her own best friend. I know all three of them, as I spent quite some time at her place last year.
I always thought it to be awkward that she lived with his best friend, but then I would live with Mr. Cucu in an instant. I accept people the way they are and let them live their way. And her boyfriend was okay with it, so who am I to judge?
Then J went on with her story: 2 months ago she went on holidays with her flatmate and they had a thing going on. They first thought it was a one-time-thing, because of their drunken selves,.. but kept having a lot of sex back at home. So basically, she has been in an affair with her boyfriends’ best friend for almost 2 months and her boyfriend doesn’t know any of it. Unfortunately she now has fallen in love with her flatmate.

As you might know, I am not too keen on cheating after what happened with Stan last year. I told her that first of all she owed her boyfriend a clean break. She should at least be honourable enough to let him go, no matter if it is “just” a short-lived crush on her flatmate or not. It is unfair to her boyfriend to keep him hanging without knowing what is going on.
She didn’t want to, because she didn’t want to hurt him and she thought that maybe she might forget about her flatmate – or everything actually – again. Deep down she knew, that she was lying to herself, so I let her figure that out herself. She kept going back and forth between flatmate and her boyfriend, and I just told her that she needs to make a decision, especially for the sake of her boyfriend. He needs to know, why she’s behaving so weird. She told me then, that she will never tell him that she fucked his best friend, and they don’t intend on letting him know – ever. I don’t really agree on the dishonesty, but it’s their choice to live with that lie. It’s not my place to judge. Again.

Anyway, so we talked for about an hour after school ended, as I didn’t know any of that story and I let her in on what I thought about all of this. I missed 3 of my trains back home (she lives a 10min walk away from school, whilst it takes me 45min with public transport). At the end I told her to let me know, if she needed  a break and wanted to get away from her flatmate for some time and stay at mine. She took me up on that offer and came over an hour later (well I picked her up, but whatever).

Now here’s the thing: I know that I can be an awesome friend. I listen to people for hours, I am very empathic and do understand most people even if I don’t agree – I always accept their opinions. I have a lot of patience and listen to them ramble on and on and on for hours, even if it’s the same story over and over again. I stayed up till 1.30am to let her cry it all out, to get her mind off things and just be there for her. I let her sleep in my bed, although I cannot sleep when someone is in my room at all. I bought food for her and cooked it for her. I did everything possible, to make her feel better (although in all honesty, in my opinion she does not deserve to, but then it is not my place to judge her actions). I do accept every person, and everyone can do whatever he/she likes to do, even if I don’t agree with it. I am not here to judge (unless I am involved myself).
But she was just rude. I did not get a thank you, until she was back at home and felt the need to send a message to thank me, just to ramble on about her flatmate. She took my blanket and didn’t even offer me half of it, she used more than half of my bed, when she clearly had more than enough space. I cooked for her, and it wasn’t even appreciated. No thank you, or even washing the dishes. She let everything on the table for me to clean up, once she was gone. I helped her write a letter to her boyfriend and listened to her rambling on and on. Always offering the same piece of advice over and over again, but also being very understanding of her current situation (because for fuck’s sake, for some reason I do understand what she’s going through). She was texting on her phone in the middle of the night, so I woke up because of the light. She was actually on her phone, most of the time, despite me sitting next to her. Just things like that.

So what has all of this to do with my life?
It made me realise how many bullshit friends I actually have. I tried to think about who I would go to, if I’d be in her situation. Is there anyone in my life, who would offer me a place to stay? An open and understanding ear to listen? A shoulder to cry on?
And I cannot name you one. Yes, I do have friends, but none if them care that deeply for me. And it makes me angry how I always do everything for people like J, when I don’t get anything in return. She didn’t give a fuck about me, when Stan cheated on me and I was bawling my eyes out for months and was just fuckin’ lonely all the freakin’ time. Nobody cared. Or even noticed in the first place.
And this made me realise how freakin’ lonely I actually am. I do not wish for a boyfriend at every price. But I would love to have a significant other, because I know I would join his group of friends.  I would have someone to rely on, someone who would be here in situations like these… But what for? To end up just as lonely again once it is over?

I don’t freakin’ know where my life has taken me, but it’s a pretty darn dark place. And I have become very socially anxious, which sucks big time. I don’t like going out at all anymore, not even with friends. I just wished for J to disappear all night yesterday, because I wanted to be alone. How sad is this life of mine? But still, I am somewhat pleased with it, I don’t feel sad. Most of the time.
It just makes me angry to know, that of all the people in my life, it’s only my mother I can truly depend on. And that makes me sad, because she won’t be here forever.

All of this has left me feeling sucked out. Empty. And nauseous. And I’m just done with today.