life

Alan’s coming back!

I should have updated you a while ago, I’m sorry. However I have found this new app “lyf” that has literally saved my life! (It’s an app you can open up a journey and just post like on a blog just smaller, but people can write comments and follow each journey by itself and so on. It really is great for (instant) support!)

So some things have been happening over the last 2 weeks. First of all I got my results of my cervix biopsy back, which turned out to be much worse than they had expected. So I need to get part of it taken out in a month, because the dysplasia has a high chance of turning cancerous. So that sucks.

Yesterday I went to Mr. Cucu’s house and on the way there I put the letter in the mailbox of Alan. I was musing whether to still “send” it or not, because after a very long talk with my mother last week, I realised that I really don’t want to be with him anymore. No matter how much he would try to get me back (which he won’t, I’ve known him good enough for that – or I’d be VERY surprised), he left me hanging for almost 2 months, not once asking how I was doing or apologising for what he’s done or anything. He didn’t even ask back about the results of my smear test, although I told him over 2 months ago! And I also told him how upset I was about him not asking about it. He still didn’t after that! So that’s just horrible, really. Anyway.

Alan is coming home today. I don’t know when exactly, as his flight got delayed again (I saw it on his snapchat, we haven’t talked in over 1.5 weeks since I deleted his number). So I don’t know when he will read that letter.
It ended up getting big – 7 pages big. I wrote a lot about how he made me feel the last few weeks and how I felt in the beginning. And also what I had hoped he would have done instead of how he reacted. I also said that he has made it very easy on himself, leaving that letter at home and just ignoring the problems at hand (did I mention that he hasn’t even read the “breakup” letter and just left it at home and went abroad for 3 weeks? So yeah). I also told him why I reacted the way I did and so on. I know, in the end this just made me that much more vunerable to him. But really? As my heart has shut off in that week whilst he didn’t dare text me (after I told him I will delete his number for the very reason of me not being able to text him again).
It is weird, because I haven’t added another page since this week. I wrote one right after I deleted the number and he didn’t text for a couple of days. When I still had hope left. But I figured why put any more effort into it than I already have, when there’s not going to come back anything at all? But now that I can’t change it anymore, I kind of feel weird. Because the last part was about me waiting on him and blah. And really, so much has changed about my feelings in just a short week. But as I said, as I don’t expect him to make any kind of move or change, it really doesn’t matter. And I might as well tell him in his face, if he decides to have enough courage to see me one more time (he won’t, really!).

I told myself already last week, that if he’s not going to text me (or whatever) until the end of the week, I’m done for good. I mean, I’m already pretty much done, but I would love to just make things straight and explain to him what he’s done to me. But also give him the chance to make up for all the faults he’s done. But I just have this feeling that I will not hear back from him that soon. And I’m okay with it.
Really. I’ve had almost 2 months now to be okay with us breaking up, and I guess it has been enough time for me to shut down. Also seeing the reaction of my friends, who all told me that he will never be able to communicate… it just proved my point, without me having to say it out loud.

I will keep you updated if he choses to talk to me. Otherwise – next one! 🙂

love for Mr. Cucu

On a whole other note, and much more positive for once: Mr. Cucu.

I’m looking into holidays with him again in just 24 days. And I am so happy about it. I’m happy because I know we get along perfectly. That 2 weeks with him away from all the pain and stress at home, will be the perfect time-out. I’m so glad I decided to go, no matter what Alan had said back then. Because I would be completely lost now without Mr. Cucu.

My mom asked me today, why I had been calling him Mr. Cucu (she doesn’t even remember his real name) and I thought back to the good old days, when everything started. And then she had that look on her face. I know her well enough by now, to know what it means. It was the face of “oh my daughter is in love with that guy”. Which….

I’m not.

I mean. Every time something does go wrong in my love life, I do think that Mr. Cucu would be the perfect boyfriend (I actually always think about this). And today when I have been reading back on all the old posts about him, I had to chuckle a little bit. Little did I know 5 years ago, he would become such a big and important part of my life. Even back then, when he wasn’t that close to me, I knew how perfect he’d be and how terrified I was to actually lose him by trying to date him.
5 years later, and I’m still standing at the same exact spot. Our friendship has developed. He’s the best friend I could ever ask for. We have been talking about our breakups, our heartbreak, but still can be silly together. I have not once in my life had a fight with him. He never got on my nerves, even when we spent 24/7 together for 2 weeks. Not once. And I cannot say this about anyone else in my life.

We always are joking about getting married one day. I just wish I could really joke about it, and deep down not wish for it to come true. If I’d know I would not ruin our friendship, I would have long ago made a move on him. But I am absolutely terrified of losing him. And I guess that’s why – for the last 5+ years – I have been able to ignore my feelings – or whatever you may call them. I am not actually in love with him, but I also am not allowing myself to. I love him. I truly deeply love him from the bottom of my heart. But as a friend. And the wish to be able and love him as my boyfriend, has always and probably always will be there.

Just a few thoughts on that. Don’t know where that came from.

optimism.

After last post, I figured I had to let you know that I am still very much alive. I cried myself to sleep that night, but it did me well. (Although I still haven’t heard from him ever since)

I don’t know where the tears came from, but it was freeing. You know how people tell you that crying is freeing? It really is. I haven’t cried in so long, that I was wondering what was wrong with me. I’m not a huge crier at all, don’t get me wrong. But the sadness I had felt over the last couple of weeks was bound to make me cry, but I never did cry. I felt the tears in my mind, but not in my eyes. Since that night I’ve been waking up with tear stains down my face in the morning, not remembering that I cried… so there’s that.

However. Ever since that crying disaster, I have been feeling a lot better. I am not sure for what reason. Probably for the lack of time thinking about him. Maybe because I have continued that letter I am sending to him (and yes I decided to send it. One last try to make this work). Some part probably is, because writing that letter made me have some (last) hope. I had been daydreaming about him finally understanding what this was all about. And getting a last conversation to make it all clear to him and working through this. Together. Another part probably is, having finally understood, that there is nothing to be sad about. If he doesn’t want to be with me and fight through this, he is not worth my sadness over him. I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be too much work for him to fight for me (for the little outcome he gets). Yet there still is that tiny sparkle of hope left. But we’ll see, I guess. I’ve had the longest time to accept this, maybe I finally did.

Either way, things will move forward – one way or the other. And I need to accept this and be happy. Either with or without him.

I’m sure once this is all gone for good. Like, once he’s back home (which by the way is in a week) and does not reply to my letters or doesn’t want to work through this, the sadness will return. But then the healing can start, because there’s nothing left to do. I’ve done all I possibly can.
My friend told me yesterday that I’ve done way too much to save this relationship. And I know that I have. But I do not want to have to ask myself in the future, why I hadn’t tried everything to save this relationship. Maybe once he’s back, I don’t even want this anymore. Who really knows? My emotions have been all over the place for the last 5 weeks. What else is bound to happen to me? Seriously though. Alan has showed me love again, when I had lost all hope of ever getting that feeling again. We’ve had a wonderful 2 months and I will forever treasure those moments in me. So there’s nothing lost. I’d had a good time with him. If it’s not meant to be, so be it. I have found my purpose in life over the last 5 weeks, which is accepting that I cannot rely my life on finding a man and create a family. I have found that purpose in my work. Helping others. That’s all I can do for now. Everything else I will figure out whilst on the way.

Broken

I guess the final breakup has really settled in now. I have been emotionless all day. A first reminder of a beginning depression episode. And now I am crying over it. I am crying for no reason. I started crying because of a TV show, and all of a sudden I am crying about all my failures and faults in my entire life.

I knew he would not text me again. Not after my confessions. Not after telling him that our relationship lays in his hands from now on. I have finished the letter today. The one I had been writing on since I came back from holidays. Because I knew I would not be able to do so, once I realised he was gone for good. I knew I needed to write the words down before the tears came. And now they’re here. I am so sad. I don’t even know what about. There hasn’t been much more lost than 4 weeks ago. But it hurts that much more to let the breakup in my heart. Let it shatter the pieces that have been mended for a short amount of time. It hurts all over again. No matter how much I told myself I would be okay. That I probably wouldn’t even want this relationship anymore. My heart has broken again today. Realising that he’s gone. Really gone.

Another failed relationship? My obviously failure of keeping anyone close? Of not pushing them away after a few months? Of having a family? Of loving someone? Of not being important to anyone in my miserable life? I do not know what exactly hurts this much. But I can feel physical pain by now. And I have been wishing to just not be here anymore. I can’t get through another heartbreak. How many more times? I can’t do this any longer. I’m broken.

sadness overload.

All of a sudden these last few days, emotions have bubbled up in me. Whilst anger was the most obvious over the course of the last couple of weeks, a deep sadness has overcome me ever since I stopped working last Thursday. I was able to keep it at bay by working on my school stuff. However today it got to me. Big time.

It’s not a sadness I’ve felt before, about being single and apparently not being able to hold up a relationship. Or seeing everyone happy around me, dating or being in long-term-relationships (which of course is not helping out at all right now). But the sadness of losing a part of myself. I don’t know where all these tears have come from as I haven’t cried in probably 2-3 weeks about this breakup. But now I can’t hold them back anymore. I haven’t cried for so long, and now they’re overflowing. All of a sudden. I didn’t even particularly think about Alan, when a sadness has started to form from my stomach upwards. And now I’m sitting here in bed, tears spilling on my tshirt.

Maybe it’s part of the realisation. Knowing that he will fly away for 3 weeks tomorrow and doesn’t even have the nerve to tell me what he thought about the letter. Not one word was said ever since I sent him the package. It just hurts so much to once more have provided trust in someone that obviously has not deserved it.

I’m just so hurt.

the realisation.

The pictures have been taken down and deleted on my phone. For the sole reason of me giving him chance after chance to show me that he cares, and him not taking them. Even though we haven’t had any sort of contact (which is a lack on his side as well, after I told him he could take his time when he wasn’t able to read all of my letter, he hasn’t texted me at all), there’s still possibilities to let him know.

As I mentioned a few times I had a screening for possible cervix cancer yesterday. He knew about this, I called him right after my gynaecologist told me a few weeks back, that there was a possibility. He didn’t care (or didn’t show me). I was very down after the appointment yesterday. Although my gynaecologist told me that it should not be malign, there is something that needs to be taken out. This scares the shit out of me. Because I’m at the age of 27 and there’s a possibility that I might not get my own children – my only wish I ever had in my life.
He knew about all of this. He did not once ask when the appointment was (even less asked if he should come along). I gave him the chance yesterday to show some sort of affection. I posted on several social media, that I had been to the doctors and was having a bad day. He should have realised. But: nothing.

I woke up this morning to a 1-minute long voice record from my acupuncturist, to my very short explanation about my appointment. And I once more realised that Alan will never react like this. And the realisation of the actual breakup, and the hope of ever getting what I want, has diminished. I should not keep my hope up, because deep down I know he will not be able to change. He maybe wants to, but I don’t think empathy is something that can be learned.

Yes, I’ve had a lot of hope. I had the imagination that after his trip to the US he would come back, and all would be good again. But it won’t. And I need to keep things real.

I am really single again.

the breakup.

I need to type this out before my mind gets blurred with thoughts about possible cancer (I’m having the appointment this afternoon – or rather had, once you’re reading this).

So. I was at work when I read Alan’s message. I was angry and mad, about his nonexistent love. I just couldn’t understand how one could just say nothing to your girlfriend breaking up with you. How?

I didn’t write again. I sent Mr. Cucu a 15 minute-voice record whilst I actually started crying (he hasn’t seen or heard me cry in the 9 years we’ve known each other, so you know…). I needed to get it off my chest. All the anger, the sadness. And then I felt better. He made me feel better. Made me feel human. Made me feel not like a huge mistake.

That night I sent Alan a text, saying that I had sent the package off and that I put a letter in the package as well. That I didn’t have much more to say, or rather that it didn’t make sense to say any more.
He answered pretty quickly: “Ok thanks. I don’t know what to say about this. I didn’t think my decision of not seeing you would get that bad of a consequence. But I have to accept this.”
I didn’t know whether I should have laughed about this or cried. To me it sounded like a 5yo boy, how was told not to do a certain thing, and then when you would snatch his favourite toy away, he’d say he didn’t realise what was going on. I had told him so many times that I felt depressed about all of this. And now he acts like he didn’t realise it was that bad?! And why just accept it? Why not fight for something you love?! I would have never just accepted a reaction like this. I would have wanted to know what the hell was going on, and what I could do against it.

The next day when the package arrived he sent me this:
“Thanks for the package. Sadly the tshirt didn’t smell like you anymore, because that was the first thing I did. Tell me how much money I owe you…
I haven’t read the letter until the end yet. I can’t right now. Give me some time, please.”
This showed me, that he still did love me. That emotions were there. But I am no fan of having to break up just to be able for that someone show me how he feels. I’ve done this one too many times in the last few years (Stan and Momo especially). I told him that he should just take his time and if he ever felt the need to answer any of my questions, he could.

I haven’t heard from him since. And I don’t expect to, if I’m being honest. I don’t know what to expect. We’re still friends on social media, so that’s a plus (he’s told me that he usually deletes his ex-girlfriends everywhere, he does not want to be in contact with them)…
I’m not sure if he can change what I’m asking him to. I don’t even know if I still want him to change. Do I want this relationship? I really can’t tell. Right now it’s in Alan’s hand to change our future. I’m doing good without him. It is weird to look around and find memories of him. Of us. I still have the pictures of us on my phone and hung up in my room. There definitely still is hope that things will turn out to be good. But I’m not sure if he can do it in time. Because I know, the longer he waits, the more my emotions will have faded. And he probably cannot or will not take the time to really think about it, but rather try to forget it. It’s how he rolls.

We’ll see. For now we’re broken up (although I still talk about my boyfriend, when someone asks).