Things have been going more or less smoothly. I have noticed that I have gotten more annoyed over the last couple of weeks.. and then realised that we had spent every single day together for the past 7 weeks apart from the first 2 days after we first kissed and he was away with his parents. He has realised that I was annoyed and did leave me be at his place. But it just isn’t the same. I actually need some time off away from him – like completely. And now that I’ve gotten that time off (due to his night shifts), I miss him that much more again and look forward to seeing him. Not sure how that’s gonna go when we share most shifts together in August,.. but oh well. We’ll find a way, like we always do.
It’s not that I wasn’t happy to spend time with him,.. but not the way I do when I have some time away to really appreciate him again, you know? Like right now, he’s abroad with a friend and as I am working this weekend, I wasn’t able to join him. And now I’m sitting at home and miss him like crazy although I’ve seen him this morning. But I also know that it’s good for him to spend some time with his male friends again. He rarely got to see them over the last few weeks. Even less so, because they live quite a while away.
We’re going abroad together next weekend and I’m gonna meet one of his best friends and the girlfriend and his goddaughter for the first time. And I am so nervous already. Not only because I’m scared shitless of them thinking I’m weird, but also because of the language. Have not talked about this on here I think, but he doesn’t speak the same language as me, but since he’s been here for 5 years he understands me. And I can speak his language perfectly, but I feel weird doing so because of the accent. And his friends don’t understand my mother tongue, so I gotta talked in their language. I’ll deal.
Also Scott made it official on Facebook last night. He has not put in my name, because he wasn’t sure I wanted it. I’m not that big of a facebook user, so I told him I did not care about relationship status’. But because I know it’s important to him, I have put it in WITH his name an hour ago and he’s happy. I was always scared to put it in, due to taking it out again after 2-3 months when my relationships ended… but I’m not scared with him. I really am not, even though it’s only been 7 weeks now. We’ve gone through quite a bit in that short time. Even had our first fight this week, because he hadn’t texted me back one morning and was fooling around at work, which upset me so much, that I simply ignored him, which on the other hand had really hurt him. But we talked it through in the evening and that’s something completely new to me. Talking about these things. Like, he even showed me his exgirlfriend, I showed him one of mine. Just talking about these kinda things.
We have also openly talked about being together at work about 2 weeks or so by now. Then I uploaded a picture of us on instagram a few days ago to make it official. Just step by step. And it’s that much easier now, not having to hide things and just… living. We still are professional at work, but we’re allowed to kiss goodbye after the shifts without having to find a room and just… the little things.
Then something happened last night. He was at my house and we were having dinner with my mom, when all of a sudden the subject of suicide came up. He then talked about how his best friend has shot himself 5 years ago. He got all quiet and I realised he needed some time away, so I took him by the hand and dragged him to my room… just to hold him. I just cuddled him and teared up. He then asked why I was crying, and at first I didn’t understand myself. Whether it was simply knowing that he was sad, and this hurting me… He even asked whether I had experienced something like this, and although it feels like it, I have not. And then all of a sudden I realised: a mere 4 months ago I was in that place myself. I was set on not living on and I really didn’t want to be here. If I had not gone to work that day, I might not be here anymore and would have missed out on all the stuff and experiences I’ve gotten now.
I was not able to tell him however. I’m not sure if I ever will. I know that I must, but I know he will be so worried about it. I told him for the first time ever last night, that I had gone to a psychologist for some time and he was super surprised… so I’m not sure how he will take it to know that I’ve been more than just a little sad or depressive. Self-harming for years, suicidal thoughts and so on. I don’t want him to worry, but it also is just part of me, right?
We’ll see. Just taking things day by day and enjoying to share things with my other half.