life

7 weeks.

Things have been going more or less smoothly. I have noticed that I have gotten more annoyed over the last couple of weeks.. and then realised that we had spent every single day together for the past 7 weeks apart from the first 2 days after we first kissed and he was away with his parents. He has realised that I was annoyed and did leave me be at his place. But it just isn’t the same. I actually need some time off away from him – like completely. And now that I’ve gotten that time off (due to his night shifts), I miss him that much more again and look forward to seeing him. Not sure how that’s gonna go when we share most shifts together in August,.. but oh well. We’ll find a way, like we always do.
It’s not that I wasn’t happy to spend time with him,.. but not the way I do when I have some time away to really appreciate him again, you know? Like right now, he’s abroad with a friend and as I am working this weekend, I wasn’t able to join him. And now I’m sitting at home and miss him like crazy although I’ve seen him this morning. But I also know that it’s good for him to spend some time with his male friends again. He rarely got to see them over the last few weeks. Even less so, because they live quite a while away.
We’re going abroad together next weekend and I’m gonna meet one of his best friends and the girlfriend and his goddaughter for the first time. And I am so nervous already. Not only because I’m scared shitless of them thinking I’m weird, but also because of the language. Have not talked about this on here I think, but he doesn’t speak the same language as me, but since he’s been here for 5 years he understands me. And I can speak his language perfectly, but I feel weird doing so because of the accent. And his friends don’t understand my mother tongue, so I gotta talked in their language. I’ll deal.

Also Scott made it official on Facebook last night. He has not put in my name, because he wasn’t sure I wanted it. I’m not that big of a facebook user, so I told him I did not care about relationship status’. But because I know it’s important to him, I have put it in WITH his name an hour ago and he’s happy. I was always scared to put it in, due to taking it out again after 2-3 months when my relationships ended… but I’m not scared with him. I really am not, even though it’s only been 7 weeks now. We’ve gone through quite a bit in that short time. Even had our first fight this week, because he hadn’t texted me back one morning and was fooling around at work, which upset me so much, that I simply ignored him, which on the other hand had really hurt him. But we talked it through in the evening and that’s something completely new to me. Talking about these things. Like, he even showed me his exgirlfriend, I showed him one of mine. Just talking about these kinda things.

We have also openly talked about being together at work about 2 weeks or so by now. Then I uploaded a picture of us on instagram a few days ago to make it official. Just step by step. And it’s that much easier now, not having to hide things and just… living. We still are professional at work, but we’re allowed to kiss goodbye after the shifts without having to find a room and just… the little things.

Then something happened last night. He was at my house and we were having dinner with my mom, when all of a sudden the subject of suicide came up. He then talked about how his best friend has shot himself 5 years ago. He got all quiet and I realised he needed some time away, so I took him by the hand and dragged him to my room… just to hold him. I just cuddled him and teared up. He then asked why I was crying, and at first I didn’t understand myself. Whether it was simply knowing that he was sad, and this hurting me… He even asked whether I had experienced something like this, and although it feels like it, I have not. And then all of a sudden I realised: a mere 4 months ago I was in that place myself. I was set on not living on and I really didn’t want to be here. If I had not gone to work that day, I might not be here anymore and would have missed out on all the stuff and experiences I’ve gotten now.
I was not able to tell him however. I’m not sure if I ever will. I know that I must, but I know he will be so worried about it. I told him for the first time ever last night, that I had gone to a psychologist for some time and he was super surprised… so I’m not sure how he will take it to know that I’ve been more than just a little sad or depressive. Self-harming for years, suicidal thoughts and so on. I don’t want him to worry, but it also is just part of me, right?

We’ll see. Just taking things day by day and enjoying to share things with my other half.

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I love you’s

This is an old piece I had audio recorded myself but forgot to type out, since I spent 5 days at Scott’s afterwards. So here we go:

7th June 2018

I just want to remember what Scott told me yesterday when we lay in bed. All of a sudden he said: “You know I really like you”. Which I said back “I like you more”, and he said “no you don’t”… usual game play. And then he said “I feel so much more. Do you know the feeling of having your first love?!… I feel that much more for you than I did with my first love”. I did not know what to say, not because I don’t feel the same way, but it was so nice to hear… and then he said “I shouldn’t have said that”. I did not want him to regret what he’s said, because it was pure and honest. But I did not know what to say back. But then I also don’t need to, because he knows that I love him.

He keeps telling me that he’s falling in love. And I don’t even need to say it back, because he knows it. We have not yet told each other the ‘I love you’s, because we know that we do. And I’m not sure I am yet ready to hear it, although I know it. I rarely say back that I like him, but he knows it. You know? It doesn’t feel awkward to not say it back, because I’m the one to show. And we can simply look at each other and know things. It also makes things easier at work, because we don’t need to talk. But if we look at each other, we usually know what is going on.
One time at lunch for example, I looked at him and saw that my hickey on his collarbone was glimpsing out of his tshirt. I simply started giggling and tapped on my collarbone and he knew right away what I was talking about and covered it up.

So he kind of has confessed his love without actually telling so, if that makes any sense. I don’t want him to say it yet. Because I know that once he’s said them, he’ll say it again and again, and I don’t want these words to lose its importance for me. But he says things like “I have finally found the Jill to my Jack”.


Another example: on Tuesday I had a really shitty start to my night shift (he was still there from the late shift) and he simply came over and hugged me and said everything is going to be okay. You know, it’s these little things. Not needing to tell him, that I’m upset. We also lay in bed some time last week and I was really upset about him not cumming when we had sex. But I didn’t say anything. And then we just lay there, I did not say anything, just had my head on his chest and he asked what was wrong. I said it was all good. And he simply said “look at me”. I couldn’t, because I was on the verge of tears. When he said “it’s about me not cumming right? You think you’ve done something wrong..?”. And it’s amazing to me, someone that reads me so well. I always wanted someone I didn’t need to talk about everything. I am a person that wants to be read, even though I know I’m not that easy to read. But obviously I am to him, and I love it.

On a whole other subject: we booked our holidays this week. It is so awkward to read our names next to each other. But everything is settled now. No way back. And I’m not even scared.
And we also don’t care as much anymore of anyone seeing us from work. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, that’s fine.

my relationship.

I’ve just returned home from 5 days at Scott’s house. We worked 4 shifts together and had one day off. Now our schedules are off again till… I don’t even know. We’ll have next weekend off together, which is really nice. But everything else just sucks until August (because then our planner knew that we’re together and tried to put us in a similar schedule).

However, the 5 days have been amazing. We never fought and just talked things through, spent time together. We just… lived.
It’s incredible how he makes me feel. Like he gives me so much importance with the little things. Not only does he tell me that he likes me, but he also just lets me know that he needs me. What he likes about me, about the little things you know. He keeps on saying “you’re the best thing that could have ever happened to me“. I’ve never heard this before, so genuinely nice and honest. Like I do believe him when he says that. I have no doubts about us or the relationship. For example we’re booking 2 weeks of holidays in September tomorrow,.. and even with Momo when I’ve been with him over a year, I was hesitant to book holidays for the fear of us breaking up. I don’t have that fear with Scott even though it’s still 3 months away. I’m not even worried about me moving away in a year and this putting a toll on us.

He keeps telling me how happy he is that I made the first step(s). Because we don’t know if things would have progressed like this otherwise. He also told me that he probably wouldn’t have started dating me, if I had already booked my holidays with Mr. Cucu. Just a lot of things that have lined up to what we have now.

And also ever since we started dating, the subject of a wedding plus children have been present. At first I didn’t know if he even wanted children at all and some day last week he suddenly said “maybe something else should be in your tummy” (I think we’ve spoken about food). I just looked at him, when he said “I really can see myself having a family with you, it’s crazy”. Or “when it happens, it happens”, when just 3 weeks ago he was super shocked when I said I wouldn’t get an abortion if I’d get pregnant. We’ve talked about it again today, and said that once I’m done with my studies (so 3 years from now), we might start a family. Everything is just so clear to us, it’s weird. Like, we’ve never really talked things through, but it was obvious to both of us, that it would start once I’m done with my exams. Like, I guess we’d start earlier if I wouldn’t start the studies next year and didn’t have time for a child,.. but oh well.
He also all of a sudden said “but you know, I’m pretty vintage when it comes to life”. As in: he wants to marry first and then have children. To which I simply said “well you know what to do then”.

We just talk about everything and it’s so nice. I can be silly with him at all times and he is rarely upset with me (there are moments, but that’s fine). He also asked if we could go over to his parents’ (they live in another country) so they get to know me and when I said “sure” he was really surprised.
Apart from our holidays in September, we also will spend a weekend abroad in July already. You know. We do things together and everything is just so easy with him. I never realised how easy a relationship could be and I still am surprised at how well it works. Like, him making an effort as well. I’m not used to this, because before it was always me. And he just said “well I’ve had a girlfriend for 7 years, I know how a relationship works”. Honey, I don’t, though.

I would be lying if I’d say I’m not scared of messing things up. But the feeling is much less than I’ve ever had before and since he gives me security all the time, thoughts like that don’t even come up. Like last night I got really upset about something and I usually get super quiet. He asked what was wrong and I just said nothing. He then just said what was going on in my mind, because he can read me so well. And he made me feel better afterwards. And us being able to read each other so well,… makes everything a lot easier.

Also, I have a picture of him (from behind) as my lock screen. Since nobody ever looks at my phone, I didn’t care. 2 days ago I wanted to show a work colleague a picture and he accidentally locked my phone and wanted to unlock it again. Then he looked at the picture and was like “that’s… Scott?!” (they still don’t know about us)… and I burst in laughter whilst Scott looked at me shocked. He is now making comments all the time, but it’s actually kinda funny.

Excited for the future.

It’s about us.

I really am horrible at this when I’m in love. And I am.

We were able to spend our first morning together, since we both didn’t work an early shift. I went to his house after my shift yesterday and we went to see one of his best friends. We hadn’t seen each other for 2 days by then, since his best friend and father from his home country came over and I was working, so I left them enjoy their men-time. Then he told me that they had really wanted to meet me. Oh well, they will soon enough. Scott also has told his mom now, so there’s that. Plus we’re spending the first weekend together abroad in July, where I’ll meet his best buddy and his godchild. Who are big parts of his life.

Anyway, so we went to his best friends house. I’m always super shy when I don’t know people, but they made me feel comfortable and asked me questions. One of which was, how many kids I wanted. I hadn’t talked to Scott about this yet. We did talk about wanting children, but then that was it (actually after he asked me what I would do, if I didn’t get the job and I said “make babies” and he looked at me like I was an alien haha). When I said 2-3, he looked at me shocked. I really started laughing, because it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to me, but seems to be for him (he wants 1-2).
We then went to grab some fast food and had dinner in bed, just because. Then went to bed and finally slept in (well till like 8am). It was so lovely to not be stressed and be able to lay in bed and just enjoy each others company. We then went shopping and cooked together. Just… couple things. And it felt so natural. I also made a joke about moving in with him in July, because my mom is getting retired and I really don’t want to be home when she’s there all the time. He just said “I wouldn’t say anything against it”, which I did NOT expect at all.

Also whilst we were at his best friend’s house he said to him “so now you can kick M out” (his flat mate) to which he said, he’d love to, but since I’m moving away for 2 years in May, it doesn’t make sense. But obviously he would kick him out, so I could move in, which is so cool to know. It all just seems to be so obvious.. like me moving in once I’m done with my studies, then having family and everything… it’s just so normal to us, without even having to talk about it. Should it always have been that way? I guess so.

He’s said to me last night, it’s so nice to be able and talk everything through. There’s no subject that is a taboo for us, we can talk about every- and anything.. and that’s so nice. I just told him now that it gives me so much security. I usually am super anxious about going abroad or just going away from my boyfriend, just the fear of being left alone. I don’t have this with him. He always reassures me that he’s here and won’t go. That he’ll help me and he always talks about “us”. Never about me, or him. Always us. Like I said I’ll get through with that little money I will get in the new job,.. and he said “we’ll get through”. You know? It’s the little things. Or now that I’ve told him about my job next year, and he knows I’m super unsure about it. He’s said “we’ll get through this!”. He could have easily said that I will get through this. But he’s in it with me, and that’s just so nice to know. He also really wants me to do things, even though they could be hard for him – like going abroad for 2 months. He asked me last night whether I had cancelled my plans already and I said “pretty much”,.. but he really wants me to do it either way. But we’ll see. There’s other stuff I need to figure out.

Everything feels so different with him. Not the love or anything. Just the feeling he gives me. He’s always here for me. Cares for what I think or feel. I don’t even have to tell him, he’s really good in reading me without talking. And that’s something very few people can do and I am so happy that he can. It’s making things a lot easier. He’s also trying to reduce his smoking habits, which is so cute. I hadn’t asked him to stop, but it seems obvious he wants to do it. But I told him I don’t want him to do it for me, but for himself.

Plus. I know he loves me. He hasn’t said it yet and neither have I. But the way he looks at me and sometimes seems like wanting to say something. I know he wants to say it.

I’m so happy.

 

my one.

We all know that I tend to not write as much when I am happy. But I want to remember these feelings as well. The ones in the beginning, where everything is perfect and I am well aware that things will go back a little. But I am just SO happy right now.

It’s ridiculous. I just had to read back and see what my last post was about and it was our second night. I can’t even count how many nights I’ve spent in his bed already, since it’s already been a week again. But it feels so normal to fall asleep in his arms and wake up next to him. Hear him moan every single morning that he really does not want to get up and leave the bed with me. And it feels awkward to be at home right now, cuddling with my cat but him not being there. I am not a person to like being around someone too much, but I can’t seem to get enough from him. But I also know that I need to take things slow, so it doesn’t get too much all of a sudden and he understands. I declined his offer on Saturday and although he was sad, he accepted it and made other plans, which was so nice of him.

Since we both work shifts, it’s hard because either one of us usually is off work or has another shift. We’ll share our first shift together this Friday, ever since we’ve become a thing. Well, actually.. we’re officially in a relationship by now. Somewhat official. At least in our private lives. We won’t tell our work colleagues unless they ask us. Or see us. We’re not hiding either, so that’s how a friend of mine got to know of us. She’s a neighbour of him, so it was just a question of time until she saw me leave his house and add up 1 and 1. We’re picking each other up at work and kiss hello, so there’s a high chance of us being seen. We also saw each other at the report this week, and he took me away to kiss me (no one saw us, but it is risky). I’m surprised nobody noticed yet at work, since we both have talked about how happy we are lately. But that’s fine. We decided to just go with the flow. If they find out, that’s fine. If they don’t,.. well they will eventually.

He has also met my mom last night and it went so well. They really like each other I can tell. And people notice how happy I am. After everything I’ve gone through in the last couple of years, this is so good. But hearing he hasn’t been in a relationship in like over 5 years was hard to hear. But also getting to know that he’s had a long-term relationship (7 years) is also nice. Not that I know anything of it, since my longest was a year. But still, he’s boyfriend material, haha.
Like, I am really so happy with him and I see us being together in a few years. I’m not love blinded like I always was with the others. I’m sure we’ll start fighting rather sooner than later, but I know we’ll get through this, because our communication is perfect. I can talk to him. I can be vulnerable without feeling so. I can be open and talk to him about everything and anything. Everything is just so different with him. How we met, how we started dating, how we’re feeling. HE is just so different, and that’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. I mean he puts up with my silliness and my never-ending stupid comments about things. Just today he asked me what I would do, if the job doesn’t turn out to be what I want and I said “well, we can make babies”. His face was so priceless, because I know he’s nowhere near ready to become a father. But it was good to have a talk about the possibility of having children and actually getting to hear that he wants some one day. I mean I really see us together in the future, I really do. And I’m just happy with how things turned out to be. Just today we said that so many little things have lined up for us to end up together. Me sending a picture of my empty tank out of the blue. Him wishing me a nice holidays. Our texting. Our looks. The shared shifts. My kiss on our first date. Everything has led to one thing or the other and has us where we are right now, which is unbelievably happy. Like we both are being so weird at work, really having trouble to concentrate and people have noticed, you know.

Find someone that covers you up at night, after you’ve fallen asleep after like 5 seconds after your head hit the pillow. One that watches you sleep, and talks to you, even though you don’t answer (he told me about this). One that doesn’t want to leave the bed with you, no matter how much he loves to work. One that waits for an hour, just to drive you home, because he doesn’t want you to spend so much petrol on driving all the time. Someone that is so eager to take you to places and let you meet his friends. Someone that searches for holidays already, because there may be a chance of both of you getting time off at the same time. Someone that puts effort into this relationship. Someone that kisses you out of the blue and tells you how much he likes you. And tells you how happy he is to have met you. Someone that is happy to tell everyone that you have fallen in love with you. I am so happy to have found him. And maybe, without wanting to put a curse on this.. maybe he might be my one. But we’ll have to wait and see.

real talk already.

So on Monday night he asked me to come over after my late shift at work. I said yes, because I really wanted to see him and we hadn’t had the chance the whole weekend. I did not expect to spend the night or anything to happen, really. Well maybe I did expect to spend the night, but definitely not that anything would happen. We also saw each other for like 10 minutes before work, since I drive by his house when I go to work and he was home.

I was able to leave work a little early and then drove to his house. He let me in and he quickly introduced me to his flat mate and we then sat on the sofa and cuddled. His flat mate just said he’ll give us some space. We talked a lot, about my father, about my insecurities and especially about my plans next year (I’m moving away from where I currently live and do plan on going abroad for 2 months as well). He asked me whether I had signed the contract yet and booked my trip abroad and I said that I haven’t. He asked why and I said that I was scared and really don’t want to do any of it. Moving away means driving 2 hours to him instead of 30 minutes – plus figuring out our work schedules when it’s already hard when we work at the same place. And being away for 2 months… well you all know how I’m dealing with going away when I’m insecure. He asked me what I was afraid of and I said “being left”. He said he won’t go anywhere and that we’ll get through this, but that I shouldn’t cancel all my plans just because of him. It’s so cute, but it will be hard. But I know I need to do this. I haven been working towards that job for a year now and finally got the job, so I can’t just back out now. It’ll only be for 2 years. He also won’t move with me, mainly because he has all his friends here, plus he’s just got another job close to his home town, so. And I would not expect him to move just for me either, although he’s only been in this country for 5 years. But maybe this is exactly why. He had to start anew already, I don’t want to take all of this away again.

Anyway, after all that talk I pulled him onto me and kissed him. I suddenly realised he was hard. I did not expect this at all, neither what was going to happen afterwards. He kept saying “you know, we’re still on the couch, right?”… so at some point we changed into his room. We both didn’t expect this to happen that night, we hadn’t planned on it and it threw me off completely. I was not happy about it, mainly because I had flashbacks to Stan (because Scott was somewhat aggressive. More so in his facial expression than anything else, but it didn’t feel right either way). Also there was no talk about protection, which threw me off as well.

I then barely slept at all, maybe an hour or two, and then drove him to work in the morning. I was off work yesterday, so I drove home afterwards and slept for a while. I felt like bullshit though and talked to a friend about how I was feeling. I was so scared that now that we’d slept together things would go downhill and we’d still have to work for 4 months together, which would be awkward if I’d run away. My mind literally went off rail. I did want to end things right then and there… I felt so bad.
My friend then told me to talk to him about my feelings. At first I didn’t want to, because I knew it was all in my head. But yet I needed to get it out. So I told him. About the protection (to which he said he had thought about it as well and was sorry) and that I had the flashbacks because of him. I felt better after that short text exchange already.

We then had a team meeting that afternoon. It was the first time after we first kissed that we saw each other back at work. It was awkward not to greet him with a kiss, but we dealt well I guess. Afterwards we met up in my car and drove over to his place. He asked whether I wanted to get dinner, but we both were still so exhausted from the night before, that we really just wanted to crash in bed. So we went to his flat and got into bed. Just cuddling. Didn’t last too long however, this time on his terms though. All of a sudden he said “I had only planned on cuddling tonight…” We both burst into laughter. It was so much better than the first time and all my insecurities went away, which felt so good. I had a good night’s sleep and actually slept through the night, which surprised me. Same goes for him. We also did not end up eating anything, as he lasted a lot longer due to some “side effects” of his pills. This also made us laugh so much. Me because I was so sore by that point and him being absolutely stunned when we looked at the clock 3 hours later… but it was nice, and this time he kept reminding me to use protection, when I really didn’t want to. Good boy, I guess. He even asked what we would do if I got pregnant (not in this words, but it was what he meant).

Also when we talked, I accidentally called myself his girlfriend. We were making fun about the side effects of the pill and I told him to go to his doctor and tell him to stop the pill, since his girlfriend was so sore. He laughed and the same moment I realised what I had said, he was like “wait, what did you say?” I laughed and said “that I am sore”. Him: “no the other part!” But I did not repeat myself. I know he wanted me to say it, so we could make it official, but this is a talk he should start.

I’m just so happy. That compared to the night before, we were laughing and enjoying ourselves so much more. I was way more at ease and he really took what I said to heart and tried to change things, which is so cute. He kept saying “I’m trying to control my facial expression, but it’s really hard, honey”. He also kept saying that he likes me so much, which was so cute.

Yes, I’m really falling for him. So we just need to figure out how to survive the next two years. But I’m trying not to think about it too much, which he’s figured out already. I try to avoid the subject, but he keeps bringing it up. I know I need to confront things, but I just want to enjoy the happiness for now.

We’re also a lot more at ease about people from work seeing us. I did drive an other way home today, so they wouldn’t see me. But one of the colleagues know already, because Scott told him. And 2 others are expecting things. But we’re just being silly and enjoying the “mystery”.

closure with P and J.

Just for some closure about the other guys I’ve already moved to “past dating experiences” – if you haven’t noticed yet:

After I had given P yet another chance to make things up a couple of weeks ago, I haven’t heard from him since that day either. I did not reach out again and I don’t plan to either. I also decided last week that I would not take him to the dinner I had originally invited him to, and I’m not going to tell him that I’m taking Scott either. I asked Scott if he would care to join and he was right ahead “YES”. It was so different to when I asked P that I knew it was the right decision to switch partners. It took me like 3 hours to get a definite answer from P, when I got one within seconds from Scott without even mentioning any details to him. And he right away asked our boss to have a day off that day. In that moment I knew P was past and will stay there. Finally. I deleted all the screenshot from the last year and will eventually get rid of his pictures, too.

Jeremy isn’t that easy to “get rid” of though. I’m not sure how to tell him that things have changed out of the blue. I did not lie to him whilst we were dating, but the insecurity about whether we match, should have been reason enough to let things be. Plus even over the course of these couple of weeks I had been dating him, I never even thought about forgetting P or at least leaving the option open to date him again. I also knew from the moment he didn’t care about my well-being when I was sad, that things wouldn’t work out. So it’s not really out of the blue at all. But with how I guess he is like, he won’t have yet understood where we’re at.
And even though I haven’t seen Jeremy in 3 weeks, he keeps sending me pictures and videos every day. Most of which I don’t even respond to anymore, so I’m not sure how long it’ll take him to get the hint. If he doesn’t, I will have to talk to him eventually. I’m just scared he will turn up at work one day with Scott being there. That would be so awkward. On the other hand, it’s not like I cheated on either one of them. I stopped things with Jeremy before I even realised what was going on with Scott.

So yes. Definitely forgetting about these other guys and concentrating on Scott. I just wanted you guys to know what was going on and why I found the closure I needed after such a long time – at least with P. Hell it took me almost a year!