Author: lessaboutlove

meeting Gohan again

So. That “date” yesterday didn’t turn out how I expected it to. Well, I didn’t expect much, did I? I wanted to leave all options open, although I did think about how I wasn’t allowed to have sex for yet another week because of my surgery. So you can imagine how far my imagination had gone by the time I reread all the old posts about Gohan.

My mind got really messed by the time I met up with him. I was thinking about getting back in a relationship with him, or maybe just having a friendship with benefits. I wondered why things never worked out. I imagined how nice it would be, to have someone this close (in distance)… To sum things up: my mind was flying at around 130mph.

But then, when I saw him at the train station… after the first thing he said, I remembered why we didn’t work out. As mean as this may sound, but I just knew I could never ever be with him, just like I said on all these other posts about him.
We don’t share a lot of common interests and do see life from very different points of view. He talks a lot about himself. He has a lot of issues with his personality and tries to verify them with things that have nothing to do with it. And he’s just weird. There’s nothing wrong with being weird, but he’s so proud of being different… it’s just not what I like in a guy.

I went home at 1am after driving him home, so we spent a good 4 hours talking. Or rather him talking for like 3.5 of them. But with each minute I just felt more and more uncomfortable. At first things were okay, we talked and it was nice to meet someone I haven’t seen in so long. But by 11pm I got really tired and just wanted to be left alone. He didn’t realise. By 12.30am he said we should head home and he was mumbling something about going home and watching some Netflix. I wasn’t sure if he meant for me to join, but I knew I would not go to his house. It ended up being no question, so that was fine for me.

All summed up: it was nice to see him, but that’ll leave me satisfied for a looong time. We haven’t texted since either. He was very touchy and cuddley and kept telling me how “sexless” he was, to which I didn’t say anything. He asked me to give him my jacket or warm him up, which I found so weird that I didn’t reply. He asked why I didn’t reply and I was like “I’m not gonna give you my jacket!” Like, what?! I didn’t feel the need to cuddle him or whatever, although he tried several times. But I guess after a while he realised I would not give him what he wanted.
He also apologised for how he’s treated me after the breakup. He realised that he was very emotionally unavailable and was not reacting how he should have. But I have long gotten over it, so it was no big deal. Sure it was nice to see that he realised he behaved wrong… but you know, it’s been 5 years.

As I said, it was okay. But nothing like I expected. Not exactly in a bad way, but not in a good way either. It did make me want to date again though. But oh well…

guess who showed up?

As you all know by now, whenever I don’t post much, there simply is nothing to talk about. Alan has still vanished from this my world, which is fine for me. Doc is away for a month now and hasn’t texted in a week, which is absolutely fine as well. Have somewhat gotten over the idea anyway.

What is new though: I’m going out with Gohan tonight. I know. I don’t know where this has come from either. I don’t think many remember him. We dated a while back, I guess about 5-7 years but will have to read back on that story. We had sex once and then just stopped seeing each other for whatever reason – I can’t recall.

Well, last week I bumped into him. Not so much physically, because I didn’t actually talk to him because I only realised too late and he didn’t notice me. But I did let him know by text and he said it was a pity I didn’t talk to him, because it would have been fun. To which I replied we could meet up anyway and not only have to see each other whenever we occasionaly bump into each other. I mean we haven’t seen each other on purpose since we dated back in 2012 (I have read back on it now). Last night he asked whether I was free tonight, so yes. I am going out with him.

I have absolutely no idea what to expect. He told me that he has gotten very antisocial and needed some friends to get out of the house. I have been pretty much the same over the last few years (or actually… I have always been like that), so it seemed perfect to me. He understands what I go through. And we have always been on good terms, even after we ‘broke up’.

I don’t expect anything to happen tonight, but I am somewhat curious. Everything is so open and everything could happen. We’re both single, we know each other, we’re weird. I do think we’ll just catch up on these last few years and definitely will have a good talk. But there’s a subtle nervousity in me, because we used to date. And now that I have been reading back on a few posts I wrote about him, a weird feeling has shown itself again. I do not think we’ll kiss or anything, but there has always been a connection between the two of us. We’ll see. I’ll let you know how it went!

On a whole other topic: Ken and I are talking again. He actually texted me this morning, telling me that he’d found a hair from me on his handcuffs. Well, where did that come from? Haha, he has a new girlfriend, so I’m not sure why he is telling me this. I mean it has been 2 years. But whatever. Thanks for the info, I guess. 😀

final goodbye to Alan.

Just for myself: I need some closure about Alan on this blog. He has been long out of my life – it actually feels like a lifetime, when it really hasn’t. I deleted him off any social media by now. But I need to type some things out, to get it out of my system – out of my mind. I don’t intend to talk about him on here anymore, as I really want to cut him out of my life – out of my mind as well. If he ever decides to answer any of my unread letters, I will let you know. But I don’t believe in ever getting an answer anymore, so there’s that.

Just to show myself how long it’s actually been (sometimes it feels a lot longer, sometimes a lot shorter):

  • It’s been 2.5 months since I’ve last seen him, when he was over at my house and we got into that huge fight (May 13th)
  • The last time I heard from him “on his turn” (aka him answering my message 2 days late) has been 1.5 months ago, when he said he hasn’t read my letter yet and didn’t take it with him on his holidays and I said a day later that I will delete his number, so I had no option to text him, which he obviously saw as an invitation to break off any contact (June 14th)
  • It also has already been a month since I put my last letter in his mailbox the day he returned from his holidays… to which I never got an answer. Thank you for wasting probably 8 hours of my life on that one. (24th June)
  • And the very last message I ever got from him, which was a short “thank you” to my ‘stay safe’ message has been 3 weeks ago (30th June)

I can’t even officially say that we broke up, because we never did. But I guess it’s quite obvious that we are no longer together. It’s just… I wish he could have just explained himself at some point instead of just vanishing without a word.

Today a song came on the radio that was/is Alan’s favourite song. I actually really didn’t like that band, but with listening to it so much whilst being with Alan it got stuck in my mind. Whenever something like that happens, I keep wondering how he could have done something like that? It’s not even about me anymore, or about the hurt he’s caused me. But I just don’t understand how someone could do that to anyone?! Of course sometimes I wonder how he’s doing. If he’s suffered at least a little from this breakup. If he still thinks of me at all. What he told his father about our ‘breakup’… or if I’m just like any other exgirlfriend he’s had and he deleted me out of my mind right away.

Funnily enough, when I was deleting pictures of him off my phone, I found some old screenshots. Two weeks prior to our fight he told me how I was the one and only for him and how much he appreciated my personality. Just to be thrown away like garbage 2 weeks later. I still don’t understand his lack of fighting for this relationship. But then he never learned, so yeah.

At the end of the day, all of this doesn’t matter. I know I’m way much better off without him. I do not deserve to be treated like this and it would have never worked out in any possible way. His lack of empathy would have caused me a lot of pain on our further journey, so I’m glad I can fight this battle again by myself. I know who to rely on. It’s funny since everyone asked about our breakup I told them about me pre-cancer cells. Every single one of them has not asked about the breakup afterwards, but about my health. So it still doesn’t get into my head how my boyfriend couldn’t do that. Oh well, maybe there are people out there that need no empathy.

Anyway. As I said in my last post, I am content with being alone right now and that’s all that matters. I will try and cut him out completely. It worked with Stan, it will work with that one as well. So much for “my one” – on to the next one!

holidays did me well!

I’m back, who guessed? Have been for a few days actually, but it didn’t pop up in my mind to update you guys. I am sorry about that. So here comes a quick one:

I didn’t have internet for the 10 days I was abroad. Well, I could have, but decided against it – as I remembered how good it did me when Alan broke up with me (or whatever you would call this). I turned it on after 4 days as I had to read back some stuff and therefore got all the messages in as well. Of course I couldn’t NOT read them.
I received a text from Doc, which actually kept me happy all throughout my holidays – and still does:

You didn’t scare me off 🙂 don’t worry. I do very much like to text with you and if an opportunity turns up, we can go for a drink some time.

I actually can’t quite translate his wording, as there’s no translation for a particular word. It’s more like “we can go for a drink once”, but that doesn’t sound quite right either. And I don’t know how to interpret it. So I simply didn’t.
I was happy, because he said just like that, that he likes to text with me very much. Which shows me that he really does enjoy it. And that my feelings have been wrong. I watched a video today, that told us that we always see our own insecurities in others. I need to stop interpreting things how I would word them. I have asked him way too many times about this, and he kept saying that he enjoys talking to me. I need to turn my interpretations off for this one.

Whilst being away for 10 days I had time to let go. I figured that if we meet in 6 months or maybe a year, that’s fine, too. I don’t always have to rush things. Maybe we’ll stay friends. Maybe the texting will subside somewhen and we won’t even talk anymore – even less date. That’s all very fine. I do like this guy, I’m not gonna lie. And he seems like a genuine good guy. But what is so wrong about having patience and really getting to know someone? I don’t always have to date them right away. Maybe he’s interested in me, maybe he’s not. What if we just get to know each other, without that thought in the back of our minds?
It’s something that I have struggled with all my life, and which usually was the reason why my relationships lasted only a few months, because once I got to know them, I realised I didn’t like what I got as much as I thought. With Momo I got to know him for 2 months before we actually started dating with our mind set to more than friendship with benefits. And it turned out to be the best relationship I’ve ever had.
Also I’m quite content with being alone, without bothering to care for someone else besides me. I have a lot going on with an upcoming surgery on my cervix, my last year of university and just personal things. So maybe I just need to focus on myself for the time being and see where the future leads me. Why does it always have to be about boys? Right, it doesn’t! And that’s what I’ve learned over the past 10 days away.

goodbye to Doc?!

The ups and downs of my feelings for Doc are horrible. Well there are no true feelings for him, I’ve only met him 1.5 weeks ago. But he has slowly slipped out of my grip these last few days. He answered on Sunday evening, and then I didn’t hear from him until last night again – when beforehand he would text me 2-5 times a day. And even yesterday’s reply probably was due to me sending a picture (joke about doctors). He then replied pretty quickly, but no more questions about me. So you see, the interest has vanished completely – or so it feels like.
I’m just scared to be misinterpreting everything and losing him because of my stupid head. But I also don’t want to corner him, when he indeed is just too shy to tell me what is going on.

This has set me a few steps back again. When I reread my last post, it was so full of positivity and hope. This has vanished by now. I don’t think Doc and I are ever going to meet. And that’s okay. I just need to hear it from him. And that’s why I’m considering asking him straight forward.

“I’m already gonna tell you goodbye, as I’m taking off early tomorrow morning and most likely will have no internet for the time being.
By the way, I didn’t mean to scare you off by asking to meet up, because I feel like you haven’t been as talkative since I asked. Don’t get me wrong, you are cool and everything, but if you’re not interested it is totally fine for me and you can tell me straightforward. I’m pretty simple when it comes to these things 🙂
Or maybe I’m just misinterpreting things and it really is about your rare time/stress and my feeling is wrong once more. I do not know. I’m sorry for blabbering on, but I really needed to get it off my chest and I don’t want to accuse you of anything. I hope you don’t misunderstand.
Anyway.. maybe we’ll talk when I’m back home, otherwise I wish you a nice time 🙂 and don’t work too much!”

This is what I sent him. It’s actually quite hard to put this feeling into words, without them sounding like an accusation or me sounding like that whiney little girl, with no self-esteem whatsoever. I mean it is totally okay to not be his type of girl, or us just being friends… or maybe not even this. I don’t want to lose him, because he seems nice. That’s why I was scared to send it in the first place. I could just live on in the dream of some day dating him. But it has done me no good with Alan already, when I just dreamt of us getting back together, when the reality told me the opposite.
We’ll see. I’ll let y’all know when I’m back home.

finding love

I texted Doc on Friday, asking “do you feel like meeting up for a drink sometimes, if you find the time?” I don’t know where all the courage came from, but honestly… I already knew the answer I would get. And I knew by asking that I would know where I’m standing with him.
I also wanted to give him a chance of an excuse (no time), so he didn’t have to dump me. I figured he was the kind of person, that wasn’t able to really tell someone that he was not interested. I don’t mean this in any bad way, I’m the same. I just figured he was too nice to be that honest to hurt someone.

After I sent it I waited… and waited… and waited. There was no reply that evening. Which wasn’t that much of a surprise, as I usually got an answer super late from him. On Saturday morning there was still nothing. Neither on Sunday morning. I started to feel sad, not about him dumping me.. but just because I hadn’t thought he was the kind of guy to be ghosting me. I never actually lost the hope in him replying.. I was just,.. surprised. I can’t really describe the feeling, as I always knew he would text me at some point. But then I knew how wrong I was about Alan, so I don’t really trust my knowledge in human nature anymore. I didn’t know if I was wrong once again. I really didn’t want to be.

Turns out, I wasn’t. This evening I got a text, saying: “Yes, I would like to meet up, but the time is the crucial part… as you have experienced by me only replying now.”
I wasn’t even sad, as I expected exactly this answer. I was actually proud of me for asking in the first place and not holding back from possibly being turned down. I did text him back, that he should let me know whenever he was free and wanted to see me, as I’m quite spontaneous. I don’t expect this to ever happen, but who really knows?!

I wasn’t exactly sad. Not in a way that I have been before, when I got such an answer from someone. But then again, I think it’s because I knew beforehand that I’m not actually his type of girl. Or that’s what I think anyway.
And it got me thinking… Why just give up? Love is not meant to be “plain and easy”. I can’t expect to meet someone, talk to them for 2 weeks and then be happily in love. That probably is one reason why my relationships never worked out, as I was always so impatient. I need to really get to know someone. Even if it takes a year or even longer, who cares? Maybe he needs time for himself. He is busy, and I understand that I’m not a priority. I don’t even expect to be one. I know that if he really wanted to see me, he would find the time… but it’s not the case, and that’s totally fine.

Maybe this is meant to be a lesson for my patience in finding love. Who really knows?
When I think back to how Momo and I got together, it was actually the same. We met, we texted a lot, we had sex.. and I always asked myself what I was doing. Why we couldn’t just put a label on what we had? Why we couldn’t just fall in love with each other. But I kept doing what I knew I could deal with. And in the end (2 months later) we figured out, that we do match pretty good and this could work out. And it did (for the time being).

Maybe this is the same? Or maybe fate just made me meet him to forget about Alan (which actually really has worked. He has been on my mind a lot less, and whenever he is, I’m not hurt anymore.. so that’s great).

Who really knows? I’m just living life and enjoying what I have. Who even needs to think nonstop about finding the one? It’s never going to happen that way, and I know that.

out of my league

I guess it’s time to update on my current situation, right?

I haven’t heard from Alan. The last time that we talked on his behalf was over 6 weeks ago. As I mentioned, he does answer my texts, but not intending on any conversation or interest in me whatsoever. I have not heard one thing about any of the letters and honestly, I truly have given up about a week ago to ever hear from him again. So far I have gifted the tickets I bought for him to a friend of mine, I have deleted him on instagram a few weeks back. And I deleted his snapchat today. It was the only source of connection anymore that was left. The only way to know what is going on in his life. And I figured it was time to cut this off, too. We’re still friends on facebook, but I unfollowed him a few weeks ago as well – so I need to actively go on his profile to see anything. So that’s gonna be the last step to get him out of my life completely.
I am glad I have met Doc. He made me finally let go of Alan for good. Not that he had any intention to, or that I am hoping to fall in love with Doc. But at least this came out of it: Getting rid of Alan for good.

Now. Doc and I. A whole other story.
As I mentioned he didn’t reply to my drunk text from 3am. Saturday night I texted him again, asking if he was back to normal and asking if he even knew what my name was. This was the start of very long conversations. Turned out he wasn’t as drunk as I thought he was. He knew everything that I told him that evening. Like every detail I ever blabbered about. Which is quite the opposite of Alan. So I knew he was actually listening to me.
I’m not the biggest fan of doctors, so I wasn’t very keen when he told me he was becoming to be one. My opinion has changed completely though. He is so forthcoming and listens to everything I say. He asks about my health (which once more, was just so funny to see the difference between a stranger and Alan. Doc asked so much about my coming operation and stuff). There was a turn in conversation 2 days ago – or so I thought. I felt like he didn’t ask as many questions anymore. Or just seemed annoyed having to talk to me. I guess it was all in my head though. I mean, the texts still don’t fit on one phone screen, so you can imagine how lengthy those are. I told him last night, that he should not feel obliged to text me, even less in that length. That I do find him interesting, but don’t want to interrupt him doing things. To which he replied “that’s nice of you, but I text you because I want to and not because I feel obliged. So don’t worry about that”. I just had that feeling. He’s that kind of guy who’s just being nice to everyone and I don’t want to get my hopes up for nothing. I do think he is not interested romantically, but I just enjoy getting to know him. We’ll see how things are going and where it will lead us.

Also I found out that he’s 3 years younger than me, so that’s a thing. I just don’t think I’m his type of girl. He’s what you could call “out of my league”.