Author: lessaboutlove

I love you

This is gonna be a sgort one since Scott lies right next to me. I do want to remember this hiwever and have already put it off for a couple of days.

Last Saturday my best friend and her biyfriend came over to Scott’s place (his idea). We had a really good and fun time, I got tot alk to my bestie but also soend time with my boyfriend.

At one point he went to the kitchen to grab something and I was putting dishes in the dishwasher when he came towards me and said “it’s so nice… I really like you. I love you….. I like you a lot”

At first I talked myself into not have heard it right. We have not yet said the word yet, although he has been hinting on this a few times for the last few weeks. I have thought about telling him, because I know it’s important to him. But I just didn’t feel it quite yet. And realising how happy I was about him accidentally blupring it out… Well. I did not say anything because obviously analysing his reaction, he didn’t plan on saying it. I did however make a comment the next day when he was tipsy. He had thought I was sad about hearing it so I told him I was not and just needed time to say such things.

It was just do cute, really.


meeting his parents.

The last 2 weeks have felt like a million, but still.. I feel like I’m back from holidays.

Last week he got a call from his mom, letting him know that his granny isn’t doing too well. I kept thinking about asking him to go up there, because who knows how much time he has left to say goodbye to her. But for some reason I didn’t. I then texted him Thursday night I think, whether he would like to go see his granny instead of doing our trip. He said he didn’t see the urge, since he can’t really do anything about the situation. In the end he asked if I would join him and I said yes.

Long story short, we drove up to his home town on Sunday afternoon. It’s an 8 hour drive, so I had lots of time to overthink things. Surprisingly I only got nervous about 30 minutes before we arrived. I didn’t know how his parents would react and just… I don’t know, I was scared shitless. He did get nervous as well.. but we both just overplayed it.

We then got into the street his parents live in and he said “so here we are…”. I got out of the car and a dog started barking. As some may know, I don’t like dogs… even less so when they bark. But it was a little one, so I was okay. Then I saw his father standing at the door and went to say hello. When we got in his mom said hello to my boyfriend and then walked to me and just said “can I hug you?” and we hugged. The ice was instantly broken for me right there and then. I really loved that she asked and didn’t just do it. My boyfriend later on said he was surprised as well. I’m not sure if she’s not a hugger or just not in the first moment.

Anyway. We spent a lovely 2 days at his family house. I felt like home, if I’m being honest. And the language was no problem whatsoever. We also visited his best friend and goddaughter again (the one we saw the weekend before). Which was funny because his best friend said at the end “so now you can go learn our language until next time” and I was like “I already can speak it” and he looked at me weirdly. It was so funny, because he thought I couldn’t talk in his mother tongue although I can.

So my biggest fear of not getting a good impression have now gone away and I am happier than ever with my boyfriend. Almost 10 weeks now ❤

2 months

I’m not home much anymore and therefore don’t have my laptop to update the blog. Plus I’m not the biggest fan of typing up a lengthy post on my phone… But here we are, because I gotta update you guys.

Today is our 2 months anniversary. I really don’t know where the time has gone, but it feels good. Usually around that time, first insecurities and thoughts come up. I would lie if I’d say there never have been any. But nowhere to thinking about ending things – like I usually do.

He woke me up this morning to say goodbye before he left the house and said “happy 2 months babe, I like you”. Which made me so happy and I am really no morning person.

We’ve had one or two fights about little things. But we can talk things through, which is new to me. For example I went home the night before yesterday. When I told him I would not stay the night, he got really distant and wanted me to leave for work earlier than usual. I just hugged him, because it hurt – he just kissed me quickly and wanted to walk away. I then hugged him close and he asked what was wrong. I said he was being distant, which he denied. I then left for work, really sad. I texted him several times that I liked him and got nothing back that day. When I then ignored him at work the enxt day, he got super upset again. When we talked about it last night, he said that he thought I didn’t want to see him. At first he complained about not being distant, but with the right questions he then admitted that he was. It’s easier because we can read each other very well. Even if words are unspoken. And we just explained our feelings and everything was well again.

Anyway. Last weekend we spent a few days in Austria with his best friend, his best friend’s girlfriend and his goddaughter. I was pretty shy, due to them speaking another language (which I understand perfectly and can speak, but I hate my dialect). So I wasn’t sure whether they liked me the least, but his best friend texted him the day we left, and said he liked me. Which was such a relief for me. Now it’s just his mom left, I gotta get a good impression.

We also got a really nice picture with his goddaughter and we look like a real family. I keep looking at the picture, because it’s so cute and I really see us there in a few years. His best friend also said at one point “no way it’s gonna take another 2 years until you have a baby”. We don’t plan them until then, because I have uni again for 2 years. But I just said to my friend, what’s gonna happen, is gonna happen. We don’t plan on it, but guess both wouldn’t be sad if it happened either way.

So yes, still going strong.

7 weeks.

Things have been going more or less smoothly. I have noticed that I have gotten more annoyed over the last couple of weeks.. and then realised that we had spent every single day together for the past 7 weeks apart from the first 2 days after we first kissed and he was away with his parents. He has realised that I was annoyed and did leave me be at his place. But it just isn’t the same. I actually need some time off away from him – like completely. And now that I’ve gotten that time off (due to his night shifts), I miss him that much more again and look forward to seeing him. Not sure how that’s gonna go when we share most shifts together in August,.. but oh well. We’ll find a way, like we always do.
It’s not that I wasn’t happy to spend time with him,.. but not the way I do when I have some time away to really appreciate him again, you know? Like right now, he’s abroad with a friend and as I am working this weekend, I wasn’t able to join him. And now I’m sitting at home and miss him like crazy although I’ve seen him this morning. But I also know that it’s good for him to spend some time with his male friends again. He rarely got to see them over the last few weeks. Even less so, because they live quite a while away.
We’re going abroad together next weekend and I’m gonna meet one of his best friends and the girlfriend and his goddaughter for the first time. And I am so nervous already. Not only because I’m scared shitless of them thinking I’m weird, but also because of the language. Have not talked about this on here I think, but he doesn’t speak the same language as me, but since he’s been here for 5 years he understands me. And I can speak his language perfectly, but I feel weird doing so because of the accent. And his friends don’t understand my mother tongue, so I gotta talked in their language. I’ll deal.

Also Scott made it official on Facebook last night. He has not put in my name, because he wasn’t sure I wanted it. I’m not that big of a facebook user, so I told him I did not care about relationship status’. But because I know it’s important to him, I have put it in WITH his name an hour ago and he’s happy. I was always scared to put it in, due to taking it out again after 2-3 months when my relationships ended… but I’m not scared with him. I really am not, even though it’s only been 7 weeks now. We’ve gone through quite a bit in that short time. Even had our first fight this week, because he hadn’t texted me back one morning and was fooling around at work, which upset me so much, that I simply ignored him, which on the other hand had really hurt him. But we talked it through in the evening and that’s something completely new to me. Talking about these things. Like, he even showed me his exgirlfriend, I showed him one of mine. Just talking about these kinda things.

We have also openly talked about being together at work about 2 weeks or so by now. Then I uploaded a picture of us on instagram a few days ago to make it official. Just step by step. And it’s that much easier now, not having to hide things and just… living. We still are professional at work, but we’re allowed to kiss goodbye after the shifts without having to find a room and just… the little things.

Then something happened last night. He was at my house and we were having dinner with my mom, when all of a sudden the subject of suicide came up. He then talked about how his best friend has shot himself 5 years ago. He got all quiet and I realised he needed some time away, so I took him by the hand and dragged him to my room… just to hold him. I just cuddled him and teared up. He then asked why I was crying, and at first I didn’t understand myself. Whether it was simply knowing that he was sad, and this hurting me… He even asked whether I had experienced something like this, and although it feels like it, I have not. And then all of a sudden I realised: a mere 4 months ago I was in that place myself. I was set on not living on and I really didn’t want to be here. If I had not gone to work that day, I might not be here anymore and would have missed out on all the stuff and experiences I’ve gotten now.
I was not able to tell him however. I’m not sure if I ever will. I know that I must, but I know he will be so worried about it. I told him for the first time ever last night, that I had gone to a psychologist for some time and he was super surprised… so I’m not sure how he will take it to know that I’ve been more than just a little sad or depressive. Self-harming for years, suicidal thoughts and so on. I don’t want him to worry, but it also is just part of me, right?

We’ll see. Just taking things day by day and enjoying to share things with my other half.

the one.

I think I finally understand most people that have told me about the big love. Or first love. Or true love. Or whatever you may want to call it. And what Scott meant when he said, whether I know how I felt with my ‘first love’ and how it’s that much more now.

You know. I’ve had exboyfriends that I could imagine myself marrying one day. Like, if I concentrated on the fact, I saw myself marrying them. Momo was one of them for sure. But with Scott it is different. I don’t have to picture myself marrying him. It’s just a fact that we will come to that day eventually. Does that make any sense? It’s like a normal flow of things, and this is one event of many to come. There’s not one single doubt that this will not happen.

Today when we said goodbye he suddenly said “you’re my woman” and I simply stated “not yet”… to which he replied “one day.. maybe”. I see myself wearing his ring proudly. And we have actually talked about the time we he could propose to me. He said he wasn’t one to be engaged forever. He wants to marry within a year after the engagement. So I set him a time line when he could. Of course we’re kind of joking about it, but then we also are not. I know this will happen. And I’m sure I will forget about it again until then, and will be surprised when the day comes. But you know… it’s weird to talk about something like that so matteroffactly when a few weeks ago I was set on not even marrying at all. But with him things feel so natural. We have the same things planned, without even talking about it. It was obvious to us, that we’ll try for a family in 3 years when I’m done with my studies and move in together. We don’t even care where, but we will. But then we also are very well aware that it may not work out as we want (as in one of us being infertil)… but I guess that’s just because of our job. But anyway… everything is just so normal with him. And that’s new. I always was able to imagine things, but they never felt natural to me. And with him it does. I feel secure. He tells me when something bugs him or he isn’t happy. Communication is key, and we’re perfect together.

Tonight is the first night in 6 days that I have to sleep alone because he’s on his night shift. I’ve seen him a short hour ago, and I already miss him. I’m usually not a clingy one. But I can take him to my friends, something I haven’t done before. I always had to beg my boyfriends. But with him it’s natural. I can talk to other guys, without him making a scene. He can talk to people by himself. He talks to my mother and gets along with her. He talks about me at work, without thinking too much (which led to most of the team now knowing about us). He’s just… perfect.

I’m going to Berlin for a few days on Monday and I already dread it, because we’re barely coping with 2 days without each other and I won’t be able to use the internet most of the time as well. So that’s gonna be a challenge. But we can do it. Just like we’ll work it out when I move away for 2 years.

I just wanted to check in and let you know, I’m still very much in love and very happy. He makes me happy.

I love you’s

This is an old piece I had audio recorded myself but forgot to type out, since I spent 5 days at Scott’s afterwards. So here we go:

7th June 2018

I just want to remember what Scott told me yesterday when we lay in bed. All of a sudden he said: “You know I really like you”. Which I said back “I like you more”, and he said “no you don’t”… usual game play. And then he said “I feel so much more. Do you know the feeling of having your first love?!… I feel that much more for you than I did with my first love”. I did not know what to say, not because I don’t feel the same way, but it was so nice to hear… and then he said “I shouldn’t have said that”. I did not want him to regret what he’s said, because it was pure and honest. But I did not know what to say back. But then I also don’t need to, because he knows that I love him.

He keeps telling me that he’s falling in love. And I don’t even need to say it back, because he knows it. We have not yet told each other the ‘I love you’s, because we know that we do. And I’m not sure I am yet ready to hear it, although I know it. I rarely say back that I like him, but he knows it. You know? It doesn’t feel awkward to not say it back, because I’m the one to show. And we can simply look at each other and know things. It also makes things easier at work, because we don’t need to talk. But if we look at each other, we usually know what is going on.
One time at lunch for example, I looked at him and saw that my hickey on his collarbone was glimpsing out of his tshirt. I simply started giggling and tapped on my collarbone and he knew right away what I was talking about and covered it up.

So he kind of has confessed his love without actually telling so, if that makes any sense. I don’t want him to say it yet. Because I know that once he’s said them, he’ll say it again and again, and I don’t want these words to lose its importance for me. But he says things like “I have finally found the Jill to my Jack”.

Another example: on Tuesday I had a really shitty start to my night shift (he was still there from the late shift) and he simply came over and hugged me and said everything is going to be okay. You know, it’s these little things. Not needing to tell him, that I’m upset. We also lay in bed some time last week and I was really upset about him not cumming when we had sex. But I didn’t say anything. And then we just lay there, I did not say anything, just had my head on his chest and he asked what was wrong. I said it was all good. And he simply said “look at me”. I couldn’t, because I was on the verge of tears. When he said “it’s about me not cumming right? You think you’ve done something wrong..?”. And it’s amazing to me, someone that reads me so well. I always wanted someone I didn’t need to talk about everything. I am a person that wants to be read, even though I know I’m not that easy to read. But obviously I am to him, and I love it.

On a whole other subject: we booked our holidays this week. It is so awkward to read our names next to each other. But everything is settled now. No way back. And I’m not even scared.
And we also don’t care as much anymore of anyone seeing us from work. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, that’s fine.

my relationship.

I’ve just returned home from 5 days at Scott’s house. We worked 4 shifts together and had one day off. Now our schedules are off again till… I don’t even know. We’ll have next weekend off together, which is really nice. But everything else just sucks until August (because then our planner knew that we’re together and tried to put us in a similar schedule).

However, the 5 days have been amazing. We never fought and just talked things through, spent time together. We just… lived.
It’s incredible how he makes me feel. Like he gives me so much importance with the little things. Not only does he tell me that he likes me, but he also just lets me know that he needs me. What he likes about me, about the little things you know. He keeps on saying “you’re the best thing that could have ever happened to me“. I’ve never heard this before, so genuinely nice and honest. Like I do believe him when he says that. I have no doubts about us or the relationship. For example we’re booking 2 weeks of holidays in September tomorrow,.. and even with Momo when I’ve been with him over a year, I was hesitant to book holidays for the fear of us breaking up. I don’t have that fear with Scott even though it’s still 3 months away. I’m not even worried about me moving away in a year and this putting a toll on us.

He keeps telling me how happy he is that I made the first step(s). Because we don’t know if things would have progressed like this otherwise. He also told me that he probably wouldn’t have started dating me, if I had already booked my holidays with Mr. Cucu. Just a lot of things that have lined up to what we have now.

And also ever since we started dating, the subject of a wedding plus children have been present. At first I didn’t know if he even wanted children at all and some day last week he suddenly said “maybe something else should be in your tummy” (I think we’ve spoken about food). I just looked at him, when he said “I really can see myself having a family with you, it’s crazy”. Or “when it happens, it happens”, when just 3 weeks ago he was super shocked when I said I wouldn’t get an abortion if I’d get pregnant. We’ve talked about it again today, and said that once I’m done with my studies (so 3 years from now), we might start a family. Everything is just so clear to us, it’s weird. Like, we’ve never really talked things through, but it was obvious to both of us, that it would start once I’m done with my exams. Like, I guess we’d start earlier if I wouldn’t start the studies next year and didn’t have time for a child,.. but oh well.
He also all of a sudden said “but you know, I’m pretty vintage when it comes to life”. As in: he wants to marry first and then have children. To which I simply said “well you know what to do then”.

We just talk about everything and it’s so nice. I can be silly with him at all times and he is rarely upset with me (there are moments, but that’s fine). He also asked if we could go over to his parents’ (they live in another country) so they get to know me and when I said “sure” he was really surprised.
Apart from our holidays in September, we also will spend a weekend abroad in July already. You know. We do things together and everything is just so easy with him. I never realised how easy a relationship could be and I still am surprised at how well it works. Like, him making an effort as well. I’m not used to this, because before it was always me. And he just said “well I’ve had a girlfriend for 7 years, I know how a relationship works”. Honey, I don’t, though.

I would be lying if I’d say I’m not scared of messing things up. But the feeling is much less than I’ve ever had before and since he gives me security all the time, thoughts like that don’t even come up. Like last night I got really upset about something and I usually get super quiet. He asked what was wrong and I just said nothing. He then just said what was going on in my mind, because he can read me so well. And he made me feel better afterwards. And us being able to read each other so well,… makes everything a lot easier.

Also, I have a picture of him (from behind) as my lock screen. Since nobody ever looks at my phone, I didn’t care. 2 days ago I wanted to show a work colleague a picture and he accidentally locked my phone and wanted to unlock it again. Then he looked at the picture and was like “that’s… Scott?!” (they still don’t know about us)… and I burst in laughter whilst Scott looked at me shocked. He is now making comments all the time, but it’s actually kinda funny.

Excited for the future.