As I’ve mentioned in my last post, we had set a date for yesterday after work. He actually texted me in the morning, asking when and where to meet and I was going crazy, because I had sent him the exact time and place the day before… he was just not listening to me (I only found out later, that he was just wanting to check back if we were still on – and this was his way. Yes I smacked him for that, because he knows how much I hated repeating things).
I was really glad that things at work were calm in the morning, so I figured I could leave on time – unlike most of the other days this week. Well, I was happy to soon, because it all started at 2pm. By 4pm we were full on running around – full on chaos in the ER – and I thought about texting him to come in later, but I didn’t know if maybe it would calm down again until then.
Well, it didn’t. At 5.15pm (when we actually had set the time and I still was in my work clothes, helping) I asked whether I could help anyone or go, since I had an appointment. They made me go shortly after because of it, otherwise I probably would have worked till 8pm or so. I felt really bad, but also felt bad for letting P wait. So I quickly changed into my clothes and walked to my car to put everything in my car. He came over (I was 20 minutes late by then, so I guess we’re even), since I didn’t see his car straight away and we talked for a minute. Me trying to calm down and let go of work. Usually I have a 30minute drive home, where I can reflect on the work day and calm down. I didn’t have that time now and I felt it – and he did, too. We stayed in his car for probably an hour, just talking, holding hands, and he kissed me here and there. This was funny to me, because it was still bright outside and he knew most of the people on that ground knew me. I told him later on, that if anyone had seen us, the whole house probably would know by Monday. He didn’t seem to care too much though (well I have to answer the questions, I guess).
When we finally decided what to do, I quickly grabbed some warm clothes from my car (I swear I could live in this car right now) and we went to the seaside, near my work place. There we walked for about an hour or so, just talking, being goofy and what not. He then asked what I wanted to do, and although I had set a plan in my head beforehand, I obviously forgot about all of this (I only remembered when I was back home again). So we went back to his car to search for a nice restaurant to have dinner in.
He always made cheeky comments about “what to do now? Can we just make out?”, smirking. I told him I was too expensive to pay for a make out session though, haha.
So we went out for dinner and stayed until 10.30pm. Once more just talking, having a laugh but also just sitting there in silence, which was perfectly fine. He even mentioned his father at one point – after he asked how things with my father are going and I said I don’t talk to him. So he asked whether he still hadn’t text me and I just shook my head. He then said “well, I don’t hear from my dad either”. This left me speechless and I didn’t know what to say. It also made me sad, remembering the last 6 months. So we just sit there in silence for some time – probably both dwelling in our own memories. I wish I could have said something, but I didn’t.
There was one waiter always looking at me at that restaurant and he noticed. So I said that was my homie. When we walked back to the car, I asked whether he wanted to meet up with my other homies and he said yes (we were joking) and I said he could join me to the prom this coming Friday. He didn’t reply, I’m sure he’s busy and wouldn’t come anyway, because literally all my friends and my mom would be there. But it would also be so funny, because I have told none of my friends about being back to dating him. They’d be surprised haha… well he then drove me back up to my work place where my car still was.
I got kind of sad, knowing I couldn’t spend the night with him, because:
My feelings were back. Everything felt so natural once more. Him kissing me, holding hands, caressing, smiling at each other. It was back to how things were in September. I guess I didn’t have too much time to overthink things, because I was so busy at work and went straight into the date, you know?
At one point I almost accidentally said “I love you”. I didn’t, but my mind was playing games with me. I do not love him yet,… but I am falling for him again – yes. But it is not love, and I know he is not ready to hear it yet. We both know there are feelings towards each other… and it’s actually the first time I don’t need to hear them for reassurance, I just know (just like in September). The way he looks at me, the way he treats me. He is such a caring and loving person, I have not met a man like this before and I feel so happy to being able to date him. When we first got into his car, he gave me a present – again. A heartshaped chocolate. And it was so cute. He’s always so thoughtful of little gifts, this is something I have never experienced before. And gestures like this speak louder than words, right? For me at least.
Also whilst at the restaurant we talked about our ‘past’. He had said something about remembering where we went on our first date and I just laughed and said, yeah I even know the date we started talking on Tinder. He tried to find out, but didn’t. When I wanted to pay for dinner (because he did the last time already), he said I had bought him that plush toy already so he’s gonna pay. We actually fought over the bill and the waiter came over and asked whether we were done fighting now, haha. And I then said to P, that I had simply sent him that plush toy so he wouldn’t be able to forget about me. To which he said, he wouldn’t have either way. I’m not sure of this, but we left it at that.
Anyway, so we sat in the car in front of my work place till 12.30am. We both knew he needed to go, since he had to be somewhere else by 10am that day and had an hour drive home. He did say I could simply come home with him, but we both knew it would have gotten complicated with my car staying there and stuff. But I would have loved to spend the night with him yesterday. Everything felt so right and I really just loved spending time with him – like I said… just where we left off in September. I was able to let go, and him caressing me almost made me fall asleep. Which is not easy with me, I need to feel very secure and calm to make this happen – which happens rarely.
He also said that he had a really nice evening. And when I simply said “thanks” to him at one point he asked what for. I said “I don’t know… for being here, for dinner, for coming!?” and he started laughing saying “but I didn’t come though… maybe next time”. We both burst into laughter, because he kept making these comments all throughout the evening. I just love how caring he is, but still so cheeky as well. It’s a perfect mixture for me.
So yes, my emotions are back. Full on. When he held my face at some point and kissed me, the butterflies came back alive. And I was so happy at that moment, because I realised I had let go. Of all the overthinking and bad thoughts. I was back to where I wanted to be and what felt natural and… well, right. And I am just eager to find out how well we match and simply spend time with him. It’ll take a while to make things official I’m sure of that, but I’m also sure we match pretty well… there’s just so much unspoken love, which I am not used to. Since I always needed reassurance in my last relationships.. this is so different. Good different.