the other exes.

anger

There’s two things I’d like to talk about today.

Firstly. I have just realised that now 2 of my exes are married. This is a really weird feeling. Although I gotta say, we have loooong ago been together, it still is weird. But then again I knew I would never marry either of them. One was super religious and I was simply not, and the other one was when I was 14, so that’s that.

Secondly, I have been thinking about why I am still so angry with Momo. Every time I think about him, my gut thightens and I get angry. Although I also noticed that it has gotten less and less that I think of him, which is great. Considering my work is next to his place, I do not think of him that much anymore. Anyway. One day I realised why I was so angry. I wasn’t even angry with him. I am angry with myself. I have always thought of myself to be true and honest. To myself more than anyone else. I always stayed true to myself, no matter what my friends thought of me. So how come I lied to myself for almost a year? I mean I started noticing the difference way back in April when we have only been together for 6 months. Why did I let another half year slip, pretending everything was alright? How could I have been such a good liar to myself?
I cannot and do not want to understand. I am just angry about it and do not want this to ever happen again. And it’s also when I realised that even if I would meet the one right now, I am not ready for anything new.

Sucks, but it’s alright. Flirting is still okay 😉

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the ex.

Last week was my ex’s birthday. I haven’t seen him for about 2 years and haven’t talked to him properly in about 8 years. I wasn’t even sure whether I still had the right phone number. But I texted him anyway. Turns out it was still his number and he also still had mine. (No awkward “who are you?”)

He answered and we started talking again. It was really awkward, because he was my first boyfriend, when I was 14. He was the only one I actually met outside of the internet and the only one I really fought for. I met him on a party when he bumped into me and was really drunk. A few days later, I was watching my brother playing WoW, I heard a voice which was very familiar to me. So I asked my brother who that was and he showed me a picture. Yes, it was my ex I just met a few weeks ago. That’s when I started to believe in fate. My brother gave my ex my mail and we started chatting. Another few weeks later we started dating, despite the warning of my brother not to. We were so different. Now that time has passed I really don’t see what made him fall in love with me. I was shy and innocent, I was a kiddo. He turned 18 that year and I just hit puberty. We didn’t have ANYTHING in common, apart from both knowing my brother. Somehow it worked out though. We had an on-off-relationship,  but somehow he always came back to me. In August though (I still remember it, as if it was yesterday), he broke up with me because we were so different. At that time I really didn’t understand and my world broke down. A month later he already met his next girlfriend (he was with her for about 5 years, so it wasn’t just to hurt me) and I swore to never love a boy again.

It took me really long to get over him. Until today I think he was the only one I really was in love with. Like truly. So it was really weird to talk to him, and it made me miss him again. Is that normal? Does that happen to you guys as well? I feel awkward. We haven’t talked much and I don’t even know whether he has a girlfriend,… but I know that we’d match so much better now. Now that I’ve grown up and am much more like him. I don’t want to get back together with him, but I’ve just been thinking about our relationship a lot and I miss being with a boy I love.

PS: I reorganized my categories. Only gonna make a category for a boy if he’s in my life for a longer period. Makes sense, right? 😉 If one of the guys in the past will come up again, I will mention him in my overview. But for now I wanted to make it look arranged.

my exboyfriend and I

I thought I could as well tell you my story, when I’m musing about it anyway. People may think that it was a great relationship which lasted long and was beautiful. No it wasn’t. We only dated for 2 weeks I think, which is ridiculous. But it was one of those relationships I had a long time to get over it (which only happened twice in my life yet – although I had some more boyfriends). – I never had a serious relationship despite my age. Which makes me sad, but I can’t force one, can I?

It was summer last year when I got to know him. Again, I met him on the internet, when he messaged me and we actually didn’t really get along. I usually connect with people pretty fast, but he somehow just annoyed me. But he kept texting me, even though I was rude to him. 20th August 2011, I was at a festival, not really thinking about him at all when he texted me that he’s coming over as well and would like to see me. I was bored anyway so I agreed. We decided on a place. I was stunned. I had looked at the pictures on the internet and there was nothing special about him. He was younger than me, he wasn’t sexy, nothing special. But there he was, looking at me with his grey eyes, having the cutest smile ever on his lips and I just fell for him right at this very moment.

We went for a walk, talking.. but it didn’t take long until my friend called me to ask where I was because she was angry that I just left – I didn’t think I’d spend so much time with him. So I returned to our place to introduce them and we spent the whole evening together. He made fun of me, cuz I was looking at him at every chance I had. I was just stunned by his beauty. My friends then returned to our tent, because they didn’t feel very well and I spent some more time with my not-yet-boyfriend. I think we spent around 3 hours, just hugging and talking, but we didn’t kiss. People started asking whether we were a couple, which – of course – made us smile, because we knew there was something. The next day he had to leave early, so I just said goodbye and started packing my own stuff. He kept texting me, that he missed me and he wished he still were there. When I finally returned home he asked me to come over to his place the following day. And that’s what I did. We had our first kiss and it was beautiful. The most amazing kiss I’ve ever had. I felt so much love, I thought I’m gonna burst. He changed his status on facebook, though I wasn’t sure about it. Usually when I changed it, it didn’t last long. And that’s what happened.

He kept asking whether I’m okay with our relationship and I said I was.. that it’s going to be hard, because he works in the evening and I worked during the day and he lived 2 hours away. So I kept skipping work to go to his place. The weekend after we kissed, I went to a trip with my friend for 4 days. That’s when things started. I was messing around with a friend of mine, joking about having sex and my ex-boyfriend read it and thought I was serious. I then told him, that I’ve known this friend for half of my life and I’d never sleep with him. He didn’t believe me. So I kept ignoring him, so he’d calm down. He didn’t. A couple of days after my trip he texted me saying ‘he had to talk to me in person’. I knew what’s gonna happen but just said, I’d come over whenever he had time. Which apparently he didn’t have. So he just changed his relationship status on facebook to ‘single’ and that was it. I deleted my facebook and every other community he knew me on. He kept calling and texting me. All I said was: “If you break up with me using facebook, you don’t deserve even talking to me one second”. But he somehow managed to make me feel bad, as if it was my fault. I still haven’t talked to him ever since. It has been almost a year and I’m still angry with him because he wasn’t okay to try. To give it a shot, although we knew it’s gonna be hard. We knew it before we even made out. When you love someone, you don’t give up just because you can’t see eachother every day. And it took me about half a year to realize that he never really wanted to give it a shot. I didn’t think I’d ever say that, but he was too immature to actually have a serious relationship.

I now manage to look at his picture and just feel… nothing. I feel like I see a stranger, a man I’ve never known. Because that’s what he is. Someone I’ve never known and who doesn’t deserve my love. Not at all. He never deserved my love in the first place – for all the things he’s said to me and done to me. I now am happy he broke up with me, because I was blind. He treated me so badly just in those two weeks, it would have been wrong to spend any time with this guy.

I know that I’m not the one who should be saying those things – considering I’ve never been in a serious relationship that lasted longer than 6 months. And I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to do so. But I’ll just have to give it a try, whenever the ‘right one’ comes along. Right?