the other exes.

work parties and P

Before my mind is all fogged with other things, I wanted to type out what has happened over the last week and yesterday.

As I mentioned in my last post, I told P how I felt about him not taking any care of our friendship. Since I didn’t get an answer to my very long text message, something in me ‘broke’. Not in a bad way, but I realised that I finally will be able to let go of him for good. I know my last post sounded very hopeful, but I think that lasted about a day and then I was done with this catch-me-if-you-can-game. I knew that if he ever returned, I’d be open for giving it a try. But I was done chasing for his attention and anything else. I did not text him again. Of course he was on my mind every now and then, but busy work fortunately has kept my mind off him mostly. And left me exhausted in the evening, so that I went to bed around 9pm and no time for overthinking either.

Surprisingly I had no problems not texting him this time. This is why I know I was able to make a cut for real. It was so hard for me over the last 2 months when he started to retreat, but now I was just done fighting for something that was one-sided. I didn’t hear from him at all. Yesterday morning he texted me a picture, that – probably – should have been funny. It read: “Once upon a time there was a prince, who proposed to a very beautiful princess. She answered: NO!!! .. and then the prince lived happily ever after, did whatever he wanted to do. THE END.”
I guess y’all know that this was somewhat just awkward. I know it’s his kind of humour and he’s sent me things like this before. But in this current situation it was just wrong and I’m not sure what he had expected to get from it. There was radio silence for 8 days and then that’s what he sent without any comment. I just replied “life would be that much easier this way, huh?”

I didn’t get an answer and I didn’t care. I went out to a work party last night and did not think of him once. I flirted hardcore with a colleague, who has been hitting on me since I started working at this place (3 years ago) and it was fun. There will never come anything out of it, since he’s married and like 15 years older than me. But you know, it was good for my ego. He kept throwing balls at me to get my attention or bumping into me whilst dancing. Even when I first sat down at the table and he happened to be there as well (really, it was not my intention!), he kept trying to catch my eye and smiled at me whenever. It’s just a thing with us and that’s completely fine. He doesn’t usually overact on the flirting bit (getting touchy or something like that), so it’s good for my ego mostly. And like I said, it’s been that way for the last 3 years and nothing ever happened, so all is fine. He also was sober – I think – so I wasn’t afraid anything would happen, especially around everyone that was there. It was just good to get the attention. And I texted him this morning about something we talked about last night, and he just said how I flirted with him, to which I just said he started with that game. He complimented me on my “eye game”. He’s a funny one.

The work party was fun overall. At first I wasn’t too sure, since I am somewhat antisocial when it comes to people I don’t know very well. I kept being with the ones I knew… but at some point I was playing table tennis with said guy, and he went away and all of a sudden I was playing table tennis with 3 people I didn’t even know the name of. One of them was hitting on me big time and I have seen him before, but never really talked to him. So that was fun.

Anyway. Once I got home (by 3.30am!!) I texted P, figuring there was nothing to lose. And also letting him know I was still having a life without dating him. Just asked how he was dealing and he texted me saying “not too bad, what about you? You know, I was in Italy last weekend”. Once more I can’t translate it word by word, but it sounded like ‘I was away last weekend and that’s why I didn’t text all week’, which makes no sense whatsoever. But I’m done thinking about why he has or has not texted me. If he wants to talk to me, he can. I’m not putting any effort in this anymore until he knows what he wants.

Now why I’m typing this out right now with a somewhat clear mind? In 2 hours my exboyfriend will come over. I haven’t seen him in 6 years, so that’ll be awkward. But he pretty much invited himself over when we were talking on my birthday. So that should be interesting. Maybe this will make a new post, or maybe it’s just gonna be friendly chatter (I guess so).

Until then…

 

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back from Dubai!

I’m back from holidays. Have been for a while, but since I caught the flu on Tuesday and have been in bed ever since, I wasn’t in the mood to write. Still am not, but gotta update this page on a few things.

I had such a good time in Dubai! I mostly forgot about P and really was happy for the first time in a while without any worries. I needn’t worry whether he had texted or how he meant what he wrote, because I simply couldn’t see if he texted me at all. That took the edge completely off. I needn’t worry about anything.

I did not end up texting him before my flight took off when I left on the 22nd (because I accidentally bumped into Ken at the airport, which is a whole other story in itself *lol*), so we had been on non-contact since 3 days, because he simply didn’t text me anymore. Nothing new here. When I returned last week, I got a few messages of him he sent me on the 23rd (although he knew I’d left the day before). He wished me a nice holiday and “don’t go too wild ^^ like, without me…
I found this funny, just the way he worded that. So when I returned a week later I told him I was back and that I’ve had a nice week. We texted a bit (him mainly telling me that it’s normal to get proposed to down there – which is true). I sent him a picture to which he didn’t say much, so I let him be and went abroad once more (although I had internet there).

Then was my birthday on Tuesday. I didn’t hear from him for 3 days (until I texted him again). I did not expect him to remember my birthday, since I only told him once. It would have been cute, but I wasn’t mad at him for that. Once again the conversation didn’t flow too long.
I texted him AGAIN the day after. We texted a little and I wanted test our ground. I wasn’t able to tell how he was feeling towards us, so I said “so could you stop thinking of me, since I can’t stop sneezing for 3 days…?!” (being playful and all) to which he replied “maybe it’s a guy from your holidays, not me 😅” – now that I read it again, he might not have meant it the way I took it, but I’m not sure.
That definitely wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but was pretty straight forward telling me he was not thinking about me, I guess. I just said “well that has been pretty clear, good night then”. I was pissed. Really pissed. He just asked whether I was tired already and sent that emoji: 🙈. I replied “no”. For me it sounded like he hadn’t been thinking about me, but now a few days later, maybe he suggested it could be someone else apart from him?! I don’t know.
Did not get anything back and knew I would not get anything at all. So I went to sleep.

The next day I texted him again (will I ever learn?). We had a brief conversation. He kept it up. Sent me videos of his fireworks he was doing. We talked about my phobia. He told me I should come along once he does one, so I can face my fears – I didn’t react to it, since I knew he wasn’t serious about it. This time I was the one not to reply to his emojis, there was no need to.
I asked myself whether he was talking like that to all the girls. I really can’t tell and therefore have no idea where I stand.

So, what do I make of this? I don’t know. I have mostly given up on the hope of us working out. I’m glad I could gain some distance whilst being abroad. I have not gotten any sort of affection from him whatsoever since I’ve been back. I was devastated on Thursday, but then I realised that it was okay. I knew beforehand that this would happen. The more distance we put between us, the worse it’ll get. And it’s okay. I will have him as a friend for now and if he ever decides he wants to see me again or take a step forward, then I am very happy to be here. But I can’t just wait on him, and do all the work of keeping the contact. It is a loss of course, I remember how perfect everything felt to me… but if he doesn’t share this opinion, there’s no need to pursue a relationship on my behalf. Maybe the timing was wrong, maybe we simply weren’t meant to be. Or maybe he just needs some more time.
I’ll “move on”. Keep him in my life as a friend for now and see where things are leading.

 

On a whole other level: my exboyfriend turned up again. Nope, not Alan. One that has been long before I started that blog (I had my first real kiss with him when I was 14, so you see). He always remembers my birthday ever since we’ve known each other, which is cute. It’s usually around these times we talk, but then the contact decreases again. For some reason he invited himself over to my place and he’ll be around in 3 weeks. It’s weird, but I’m somewhat excited to see him again (it’s been 6 years since I last seen him).
Also Kenny is back. On my behalf. I had been thinking of him lately and I figured I could just text him (mainly about the sneezing part, because he was the one starting that game). Who knows what all of this will bring – I am not interested in dating, don’t get me wrong. It would feel so bad for me, since my heart still lays with P although I don’t want to. But there’s no harm in getting attention somewhere else, right?

Plus my encounter with Ken. I was waiting with a friend to check in, when someone called my last name. I got really anxious, because I thought I had done something wrong until I looked at the person that called and recognised Ken. He found it very funny that I was so shocked and we had a short banter. It was nice to see him and took off some of the anxiety I had been experiencing (always do on airports).

anger

There’s two things I’d like to talk about today.

Firstly. I have just realised that now 2 of my exes are married. This is a really weird feeling. Although I gotta say, we have loooong ago been together, it still is weird. But then again I knew I would never marry either of them. One was super religious and I was simply not, and the other one was when I was 14, so that’s that.

Secondly, I have been thinking about why I am still so angry with Momo. Every time I think about him, my gut thightens and I get angry. Although I also noticed that it has gotten less and less that I think of him, which is great. Considering my work is next to his place, I do not think of him that much anymore. Anyway. One day I realised why I was so angry. I wasn’t even angry with him. I am angry with myself. I have always thought of myself to be true and honest. To myself more than anyone else. I always stayed true to myself, no matter what my friends thought of me. So how come I lied to myself for almost a year? I mean I started noticing the difference way back in April when we have only been together for 6 months. Why did I let another half year slip, pretending everything was alright? How could I have been such a good liar to myself?
I cannot and do not want to understand. I am just angry about it and do not want this to ever happen again. And it’s also when I realised that even if I would meet the one right now, I am not ready for anything new.

Sucks, but it’s alright. Flirting is still okay 😉

the ex.

Last week was my ex’s birthday. I haven’t seen him for about 2 years and haven’t talked to him properly in about 8 years. I wasn’t even sure whether I still had the right phone number. But I texted him anyway. Turns out it was still his number and he also still had mine. (No awkward “who are you?”)

He answered and we started talking again. It was really awkward, because he was my first boyfriend, when I was 14. He was the only one I actually met outside of the internet and the only one I really fought for. I met him on a party when he bumped into me and was really drunk. A few days later, I was watching my brother playing WoW, I heard a voice which was very familiar to me. So I asked my brother who that was and he showed me a picture. Yes, it was my ex I just met a few weeks ago. That’s when I started to believe in fate. My brother gave my ex my mail and we started chatting. Another few weeks later we started dating, despite the warning of my brother not to. We were so different. Now that time has passed I really don’t see what made him fall in love with me. I was shy and innocent, I was a kiddo. He turned 18 that year and I just hit puberty. We didn’t have ANYTHING in common, apart from both knowing my brother. Somehow it worked out though. We had an on-off-relationship,  but somehow he always came back to me. In August though (I still remember it, as if it was yesterday), he broke up with me because we were so different. At that time I really didn’t understand and my world broke down. A month later he already met his next girlfriend (he was with her for about 5 years, so it wasn’t just to hurt me) and I swore to never love a boy again.

It took me really long to get over him. Until today I think he was the only one I really was in love with. Like truly. So it was really weird to talk to him, and it made me miss him again. Is that normal? Does that happen to you guys as well? I feel awkward. We haven’t talked much and I don’t even know whether he has a girlfriend,… but I know that we’d match so much better now. Now that I’ve grown up and am much more like him. I don’t want to get back together with him, but I’ve just been thinking about our relationship a lot and I miss being with a boy I love.

PS: I reorganized my categories. Only gonna make a category for a boy if he’s in my life for a longer period. Makes sense, right? 😉 If one of the guys in the past will come up again, I will mention him in my overview. But for now I wanted to make it look arranged.

my exboyfriend and I

I thought I could as well tell you my story, when I’m musing about it anyway. People may think that it was a great relationship which lasted long and was beautiful. No it wasn’t. We only dated for 2 weeks I think, which is ridiculous. But it was one of those relationships I had a long time to get over it (which only happened twice in my life yet – although I had some more boyfriends). – I never had a serious relationship despite my age. Which makes me sad, but I can’t force one, can I?

It was summer last year when I got to know him. Again, I met him on the internet, when he messaged me and we actually didn’t really get along. I usually connect with people pretty fast, but he somehow just annoyed me. But he kept texting me, even though I was rude to him. 20th August 2011, I was at a festival, not really thinking about him at all when he texted me that he’s coming over as well and would like to see me. I was bored anyway so I agreed. We decided on a place. I was stunned. I had looked at the pictures on the internet and there was nothing special about him. He was younger than me, he wasn’t sexy, nothing special. But there he was, looking at me with his grey eyes, having the cutest smile ever on his lips and I just fell for him right at this very moment.

We went for a walk, talking.. but it didn’t take long until my friend called me to ask where I was because she was angry that I just left – I didn’t think I’d spend so much time with him. So I returned to our place to introduce them and we spent the whole evening together. He made fun of me, cuz I was looking at him at every chance I had. I was just stunned by his beauty. My friends then returned to our tent, because they didn’t feel very well and I spent some more time with my not-yet-boyfriend. I think we spent around 3 hours, just hugging and talking, but we didn’t kiss. People started asking whether we were a couple, which – of course – made us smile, because we knew there was something. The next day he had to leave early, so I just said goodbye and started packing my own stuff. He kept texting me, that he missed me and he wished he still were there. When I finally returned home he asked me to come over to his place the following day. And that’s what I did. We had our first kiss and it was beautiful. The most amazing kiss I’ve ever had. I felt so much love, I thought I’m gonna burst. He changed his status on facebook, though I wasn’t sure about it. Usually when I changed it, it didn’t last long. And that’s what happened.

He kept asking whether I’m okay with our relationship and I said I was.. that it’s going to be hard, because he works in the evening and I worked during the day and he lived 2 hours away. So I kept skipping work to go to his place. The weekend after we kissed, I went to a trip with my friend for 4 days. That’s when things started. I was messing around with a friend of mine, joking about having sex and my ex-boyfriend read it and thought I was serious. I then told him, that I’ve known this friend for half of my life and I’d never sleep with him. He didn’t believe me. So I kept ignoring him, so he’d calm down. He didn’t. A couple of days after my trip he texted me saying ‘he had to talk to me in person’. I knew what’s gonna happen but just said, I’d come over whenever he had time. Which apparently he didn’t have. So he just changed his relationship status on facebook to ‘single’ and that was it. I deleted my facebook and every other community he knew me on. He kept calling and texting me. All I said was: “If you break up with me using facebook, you don’t deserve even talking to me one second”. But he somehow managed to make me feel bad, as if it was my fault. I still haven’t talked to him ever since. It has been almost a year and I’m still angry with him because he wasn’t okay to try. To give it a shot, although we knew it’s gonna be hard. We knew it before we even made out. When you love someone, you don’t give up just because you can’t see eachother every day. And it took me about half a year to realize that he never really wanted to give it a shot. I didn’t think I’d ever say that, but he was too immature to actually have a serious relationship.

I now manage to look at his picture and just feel… nothing. I feel like I see a stranger, a man I’ve never known. Because that’s what he is. Someone I’ve never known and who doesn’t deserve my love. Not at all. He never deserved my love in the first place – for all the things he’s said to me and done to me. I now am happy he broke up with me, because I was blind. He treated me so badly just in those two weeks, it would have been wrong to spend any time with this guy.

I know that I’m not the one who should be saying those things – considering I’ve never been in a serious relationship that lasted longer than 6 months. And I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to do so. But I’ll just have to give it a try, whenever the ‘right one’ comes along. Right?