advice

optimism.

After last post, I figured I had to let you know that I am still very much alive. I cried myself to sleep that night, but it did me well. (Although I still haven’t heard from him ever since)

I don’t know where the tears came from, but it was freeing. You know how people tell you that crying is freeing? It really is. I haven’t cried in so long, that I was wondering what was wrong with me. I’m not a huge crier at all, don’t get me wrong. But the sadness I had felt over the last couple of weeks was bound to make me cry, but I never did cry. I felt the tears in my mind, but not in my eyes. Since that night I’ve been waking up with tear stains down my face in the morning, not remembering that I cried… so there’s that.

However. Ever since that crying disaster, I have been feeling a lot better. I am not sure for what reason. Probably for the lack of time thinking about him. Maybe because I have continued that letter I am sending to him (and yes I decided to send it. One last try to make this work). Some part probably is, because writing that letter made me have some (last) hope. I had been daydreaming about him finally understanding what this was all about. And getting a last conversation to make it all clear to him and working through this. Together. Another part probably is, having finally understood, that there is nothing to be sad about. If he doesn’t want to be with me and fight through this, he is not worth my sadness over him. I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be too much work for him to fight for me (for the little outcome he gets). Yet there still is that tiny sparkle of hope left. But we’ll see, I guess. I’ve had the longest time to accept this, maybe I finally did.

Either way, things will move forward – one way or the other. And I need to accept this and be happy. Either with or without him.

I’m sure once this is all gone for good. Like, once he’s back home (which by the way is in a week) and does not reply to my letters or doesn’t want to work through this, the sadness will return. But then the healing can start, because there’s nothing left to do. I’ve done all I possibly can.
My friend told me yesterday that I’ve done way too much to save this relationship. And I know that I have. But I do not want to have to ask myself in the future, why I hadn’t tried everything to save this relationship. Maybe once he’s back, I don’t even want this anymore. Who really knows? My emotions have been all over the place for the last 5 weeks. What else is bound to happen to me? Seriously though. Alan has showed me love again, when I had lost all hope of ever getting that feeling again. We’ve had a wonderful 2 months and I will forever treasure those moments in me. So there’s nothing lost. I’d had a good time with him. If it’s not meant to be, so be it. I have found my purpose in life over the last 5 weeks, which is accepting that I cannot rely my life on finding a man and create a family. I have found that purpose in my work. Helping others. That’s all I can do for now. Everything else I will figure out whilst on the way.

being single again!

Yesterday, I talked to a friend about the whole situation of Alan and I. She knows me very well (I actually didn’t want to mention anything about this, but she knew right away when she saw me, that something was wrong). Talking to her has made me realise a few things. Plus she said I needed to write my emotions down, which obviously I have been doing on here. But sorting them in any way has been missing this far.

Just for a short recap:

  • The last time Alan and I actually talked about anything with importance (which was intended on my side, as always) was May 18th, so over a week ago. It was that time when he was angry about me ignoring his ignorance towards my depression.
  • I have told him at least 3 times what my problems are and how he could make them lessen. He has not understood once and has not done anything about it this far. He didn’t ask back to even try to understand or anything the like.
  • Also May 18th I told him that I will not ever talk about that subject (intended from my side) again. If he’d had questions, he could ask. 7 days later, not one word has been said about it. But what did I expect? Not talking about problems does make them vanish, right? [/irony off]
  • I asked him on Thursday if we wanted to meet up on Saturday, to which he said he would be grateful. When I asked him again on Friday he said he didn’t have the time.
  • Sunday I told him that it upset me to see all the couples. He said “I would have loved to join you guys, or at least to see you.” Which was cute. But without a second breath he said “I’m already upset about the exams again”. Really?
  • He asked to call me, I said yes. He didn’t, so I went to sleep. (I actually stayed up just to wait for his call. When he didn’t call for 30 minutes I went to bed).
  • The conversation has went from somewhat regular and normal, to pretty much nonexistent. It usually goes from his asking “how are you” (to which he does not react no matter what I say) to him telling me what he currently is doing. I don’t even react anymore. I don’t need a boyfriend to talk about work, the weather or whatever.

So to keep things short: we’ve talked daily but it has been a regular conversation like I would talk to a friend or even stranger. No emotions involved and I didn’t even try to keep the conversation up anymore, because he usually won’t answer if it’s not about him.

My friend asked me if I still had feelings. I can’t actually tell, right now the annoyance and disappointment stands above all. What I do know, is that I am giving him a “second” chance. But I also know that if he will not talk about ‘my’ problems from his side, I’m done with this relationship. I need someone to be here for me, no matter what is going on in his life. Even less if it’s just exams. I wouldn’t even dare to put my exams above anything personal of my friends. And as I am pretty sure he will not ever start the conversation about this subject, this relationship is pretty much done for me.

My friend made me realise what I need. I did know before, but sometimes you need to speak it out loud to really let it sink in. I need someone that understands my health and mental issues – or at least tries to. Someone I know I can rely on, no matter what is going on apart from me. And Alan can not give me that. His life has always been priority in everyone’s life. He’s a single kid. He’s never had mental or health issues. His parents got divorced a year ago. And excuse my language, but if you cannot handle a separation of your parents at the age of 25, I’m not sure you can handle life (I’m not saying it is easy, but at least a lot less frightening than when your parents get divorced when you’re still a kid or teenager). This has been the only bad thing in his life, so you can imagine how much of a spoilt kid he is. Yes, everything has been going smooth in his life for now, and that’s good for him. But he will not be able to deal with my life, that is all kinds of up and downs.

I also told my friend about my “possible” cancer, and she showed me once more that without even being able to actually help, you can still help in some ways. You can talk about it. You can ask how I feel. You can make me feel better. Alan cannot do this.

I don’t even want to see Alan anymore, and I know this is setting a high wall for him. If he even wants to talk about the problem, would he do it in person? I do not think so, because he never has. He doesn’t ask. So in just 1.5 weeks time he’s flying to America for 3 weeks. If things are not solved until the end of it, I’m done with this relationship. I probably will go over to Mr. Cucu’s place and put the things Alan still has at my place in his mailbox on the way.

So when I’m being completely honest with myself. I am probably already wrapping my head about being single very soon again. And the thoughts of being a failure have popped up. But my friend also made me realise that it doesn’t matter. At least I know once more what I do need in a relationship and what to look for. Because if I am in a relationship like the one I am currently in, I can just as well be single. Because I get the same amount of support.

My friend also asked me if I just haven’t broken up with him yet, because it’s a hard step to take. But it actually is not. There still is a tiny spark of hope, that he will understand. That things will turn. I remember how I felt in the beginning, and that’s the only thing that is currently holding me back from breaking up with him right now. I’m hanging onto a tiny thread of hope. And I know that it can make me fall far far down. So I’m slowly getting used to the thought of a life without him (which I currently have, if we’re being honest). I have also been thinking about putting a break between us. Does it help him see the problems? Maybe it was just the wrong time to meet. Maybe it’s not meant to be. Who really knows?

Welcome to the single life without actually being single.

I need your advice!

Honestly? It feels like I’m single, although I am not.

The conversation between Alan and I are normal. Like friends talk. But not actually interested. They can’t be kept up, and I’m not trying to. I’m not trying to reply to every emoji he uses anymore. So it may have happened, that I didn’t text him for a day. I’m not trying to focus all of the conversation on him, because I’m done having everything about him all the time. He does ask about me, but as soon as his casual question is answered, it’s all about him again.

He asked what I was doing this Wednesday evening and I said that I had an appointment. He asked how long it’ll take, I told him and I got an “okay” back. Oh the ever present “okay”. But I don’t even bother anymore. I actually don’t even want to see him. I have no desire to.

I went on a walk last weekend with my family and the kiddies. It was very depressing to see all the lovebirds out there, kissing and cuddling. It was even more depressing knowing I actually am in a relationship, without having this (I actually accidentally just wrote “was in a relationship”). When I was single I didn’t think there was a worse feeling than seeing all the happy couples. Obviously there is: being in a relationship and still missing these things.

I know that once I see him, he will go back into old mode. It didn’t bother him. It didn’t hurt him. His life has not changed in the slightest. He doesn’t care any more than he did before. There is no effort on his behalf whatsoever. And I’m just done. I’m done trying to force myself into a relationship, that doesn’t seem to work. And honestly? If he’s so off the road because of some exams, what about worse things in life that may happen? Like a death in family or whatever. He’d never be a partner to be around, if there may be any complications. And I need a partner that stays by my side no matter what happens around. Of course, I understand that he has to focus on his exams. But it doesn’t mean that my depression should mean nothing to him. I would rather be there for a friend or my partner, than study for exams. But then we’re back to setting priorities. I know what priority I have with him: None.

What is your opinion on that? I really don’t know anymore if I’ve just gotten my head too deep in that puddle of depression, or it really doesn’t make sense anymore to hold up this relationship.

self-conciousness

I’m annoyed about the little things in this relationship. Let me state a few examples:

He went to the hairdressers the other day. Although I told him several times before, that I like his hair a little longer (like it’s still sooo short, I’ve never had any boyfriend with such short hair… and I like to grab a bunch of hair 😉 ) – he still goes there every 3 weeks or so and get it very short again. And I’m just done with telling him, so I don’t mention anything about his hair either.
Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy that he has his own head and makes his own decisions. It’s what I was upset about with my ex-boyfriends, because they would always ask me for my opinion and follow me around like a little puppy, not having their own way. It’s crazy to be upset about something I am genuinely happy about, right?

It’s usually when my self-conciousness kicks in.
The other night I spent 3 hours on his facebook timeline, scrolling all the way back to 2009 (when he first joined facebook) and rereading all the posts. I wondered how open he was about his relationships back then. I found out that one – he has not put in any relationship status (or it’s not to be seen anymore), but he did openly post “I love you”s. So I was able to track back a few of his ex-girlfriends, with whom he is not friends anymore on facebook as well. So that’s kind of a good sign (although it also gets me worried, that if we ever happen to break up – which no I do not intend – he would cross me out of his life as well. He did tell me in the beginning, there was no reason to keep being friends with ex-girlfriends… It’s not my opinion but I get him). However he has not mentioned me once as his girlfriend on facebook. He has tagged me on a picture before with his dad, but not saying that I am any more than a normal friend. Like the caption read “first test” (of his drone). Really?!

So I wanted to test this and tagged him on an older picture of us with a cheesy caption, which would make it obvious that we’re a couple. On facebook you can either accept or decline the tagged photo to show up on your timeline, right? So… he’s declined it. I have untagged him again now.
I’m just worried. Why doesn’t he want his facebook friends to know about me? Like his closer friends do know about me and have met me. It’s not like I’m a secret. But why not put it on facebook? Is it because he has over a thousand friends? Does he not want to go back and delete all the things, if we ever happen to break up? I do not know. But my mind keeps going back to little things like that, and it makes me go crazy.

Like last weekend we met a friend of his with his girlfriend. His friend was like “hey, this is my girlfriend”. Then Alan was like “Hey this is M.” Not saying that I am his girlfriend – although it was obvious. It’s not like he doesn’t kiss me in public. But then I remembered a few days later, that in the beginning he’s said, that he doesn’t like to put labels on someone. Like telling someone about the “wife” or something like that. He rather talks with names, so I guess that was the reason why he didn’t introduce me as such.

Still, my self-conciousness is bullshit. I am very happy with him, but my mind can play tricks on me on a regular. It’s like when he doesn’t text me during the night, just because I haven’t answered his last message. I know I usually wouldn’t do the same, but whenever I can’t sleep I would tell him how much I love and miss him. I never get something like that. It does bother me at times, but I also know it’s not meant to be rude.

Oh lord, what is wrong with me? And how do I fix it?!

Lost him?!

I’m a bit confused… whilst things are going well with Alan whenever I am with him, I sometimes feel like he doesn’t care to see me. There’s an 1.5 hour drive between us. He’s a student. I drove over to his place during the week whenever I was able to. In these last 3 weeks he came over once, although he was off several days.

I actually don’t care to drive to his place. What does bother me though: Last week he told me on Sunday he’ll have a look at his schedule so he could come to mine sometime during the work week. There was not a single word about it again until the weekend. Okay, he was busy. I get it…

I offered him on Monday that I was off this Thursday (today) and he was off work after midday, so he could come to my place. I figured I would not mention it again… I mean I offered already, right? Not a single word again. It’s Thursday night and I’m laying here alone, not even once asked to come over although he was bored all afternoon. He was off Tuesday as well and I actually said he should come over, which he just laughed off.

It’s hard to immediately think about going over every free hour I have, and he doesn’t even notice when he’s off the entire afternoon. Yes, maybe he would have to get up earlier than when he would be home… but seriously? I get up at 5am each Monday (instead of 7am), just to spend one more short night with him.

I’m actually not even in the mood to plan our weekend. I’ll just wait and see how long it takes him to ask about it. He did not ask at all last week. So I am not sure whether he even wants to see me at all. But oh well… I’m just so confused, he also wasn’t interested in sex last weekend. He actually told me no. Never happened before. Whenever we did have sex, it was on my behalf. Has he fallen out of love? I’m scared.

I hate the whole dating thing!

Here comes the weird thing. Remember how I said in my last post, that I feel like there’s a connection with Yavin?

We texted Wednesday back and forth when he went home from work, because he was very ill… we made some fun and I thought it was good to keep him in a good mood, helps to recover, right? All of a sudden he stopped texting me. No big deal. I knew that would happen. I also knew yesterday after I sent a certain text, that he would stop replying again. How come I feel like I know him, although I really don’t?!

He didn’t text me the next day. Or the next. I wasn’t sure what to do, the longest we didn’t text at all was 1 day about a week into our messaging. As I knew he was very ill, I just texted him yesterday evening, asking whether he was still alive. He quickly replied – as in like the same minute I sent that text! And here’s what bothers me about it: why didn’t he text himself? He obviously was okay with texting, and he wasn’t busy like the other time this happened before. I would be glad to talk to someone when I was ill. Maybe he isn’t, who knows?

I’m sure I’m reading way too much into this. I was okay though, I mean… he’s still replying, right? It’s not like he’s ignoring me for ages. He always replies quickly whenever I do text him first.

Fast forward a couple of hours later (I tried to help him get better, as I am a nurse and do know what to do in situations like the one he is in). At one point our conversation lead to sex again, and he was like “I don’t want to talk about it, or you’re gonna shelve me 😉 ” I just said “too late… but I still like you.” And I just knew that the conversation was over after I sent that text. Whenever I made a compliment or showed any sort of affection to him, he would just abruptly end the conversation. He did answer with “well, lucky me (:” (with a smiley face he never uses) so I knew that was it. I just said “sure are!” and it was done. No more replies from him, and I knew this morning although the hope was still there that he would not text me again.

I do understand where he’s coming from. I don’t like affection from people I don’t really know, and I’m really not sure why I said it in the first place. And I guess he has to hold back, to not let girls affect him so quickly in thoughts of his daughter. He can’t just mess around like another one probably could. I get that. I totally do.
But one thing I swore to myself a few years back, was to always just say what is on my mind. If I find it to be true, why not tell people? Where’s the big deal about being open about your feelings? I hid my feelings for over 20 years, I don’t really say it to my friends (except for Mr. Cucu actually), so why with him? I really don’t know.

I swore to myself that I would not text him again first. But is it really worth it? Why playing that game when I don’t feel like it?! I’ll see, maybe if he doesn’t text till Monday. I don’t want this “relationship” – or whatever it may be called – to end, just because I’m stubborn. You know? But I also don’t want to bother him all the time. I want some approach from his side as well. I guess I just want the confirmation that he really is interested and not just saying that because I asked. So where’s the line between the two of them?

And once more I know why I don’t like that whole falling in love game, or dating, or anything the like until you know for sure what you’re on about. It’s so confusing and upsetting.