hurt

failed attempt to save anything.

That guy actually amazes me. Unfortunately in a negative way.

I think I’ve mentioned in my last post, that I had written him a message at 4am in the morning that I needed some kind of answer of him. As I said I did not get an answer although he’d been online on facebook and instagram. He did say later on, that his WhatsApp wasn’t functioning properly, which is bullshit. If the internet hadn’t worked, the message wouldn’t have gotten through straight away. But who am I to blame him for lying. There are other problems.

So last night he had the guts to finally reply, woop. What he said made me laugh and cry at the same time:

I don’t have your letter with me and as I’ve said before, I have not read it to the end yet, because I didn’t feel like I could do it. Considering all of this I don’t think a relationship would be able to bloom, if our communication is gonna be mainly by texting. More often than not tedious misunderstandings have come out of this and I fear this will be continuing… right now I don’t know what you think about this, as I don’t have your letter with me – sorry. What do you think about this?

As said, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Our communication was mainly by texting, because he didn’t have the guts to talk to me face to face. He was the one to deny coming over. He just said “okay” or talked about something else when I did mention our problems. So how can he put the blame on me now? Also there have never been any misunderstandings, rather him not reading what I actually wrote and getting angry about nothing at all. Not doing what I asked him to do, and then me getting mad at this. If he thinks those have been misunderstandings… oh well.

And who even does that? Going away on a trip, not reading a letter your exgirlfriend sent you or at least taking with you, if you don’t have the guts to read it at that moment?! I would have never done this. How can one just shut off his brain for 3 weeks? That’s just insane and proves how emotionally unavailable he is.

I replied. Of course I did.

Okay. If you don’t see any future in this… then so be it.

If I wouldn’t have had any more hope – or however you want to call this – I would have not tried to talk to you any longer after my letter. For some reason I have once more written a 3-paged-letter by now, which in this case I will not send to you.
I really don’t know anymore what to think, feel or hope for. The only thing I know is, that this situation is depressing me and hurts (and I don’t mean this to sound like an accusation). In one way not to know what is going on, on the other side not being able to do anything about it. For me it’s really hard – and that’s what I wrote in the letter – that you have completely shut off for the last 2 weeks. So far that I can’t even tell if you even have any feelings left.

But whatever. You don’t want to talk about this by text, which I do understand. So yeah… enjoy the rest of your trip.

And let’s guess once more what happened?

Yeah right. Nothing.

He has been online this far. Didn’t feel the need to say anything about this anymore. But who am I kidding? I didn’t even expect him to.
And I’m done. I’m just so done with all of this. Why should I even bother trying to save a relationship that means all the work lays on my side? If he had really loved me, he would have tried to save something. Not just accepted the fact that I ended things. But as a friend of mine said yesterday: “this just proves one more time: having a high IQ doesn’t mean you have any social ability to communicate”

I’m gonna delete his number, so not to have a chance to text him any longer. And I will tell him beforehand that I will. If he can’t end things for real, I need to shut off any way to communicate with him.

Goodbye Alan!

Now I’m even dreaming about him…

When that sadness hit me yesterday, I talked to a friend about it. I asked her whether I should send him a message, wishing him a good flight and a save journey today. She said that I should, if I felt the need to. But that I should not put any pressure on it or blame.

All day long that sadness didn’t vanish. Then I woke up from a dream of his. This is ridiculous, but even in my dreams he didn’t care. We were on a building about to go on a trip and I asked if he had read the letter. He said yes. I asked if he had anything to say about it and he said: “Wouldn’t know what!” I was devastated that even after all the emotions and effort I had put into it, he still would not show me anything. Although deep down I knew that some sort of love was there… nothing.

Maybe my subconciousness is telling me to give it up. To not hope for an answer that I am not going to get. Who even wastes a trip to think about his ex? Nobody. So I need to figure things out for myself and not wait for an answer I will not get. Let go of this hope. Let go of the sadness, the anger, the emotions toward him.

I need to understand that he does not love me that much, to give a care about how I feel. No matter how much this truth hurts me. I need to let it go. I need to open my eyes and see the world for its fact and not my hope and imagination of it.

I am alone again.

PS: I did text him a goodbye, wishing him a good flight and save trip. To enjoy the US and get back safely. Saying that Sunday I had so much more to tell him, but that I don’t think it would be a good idea anymore. An hour or so later I told him that I was missing him and hoped he wpuld have a good time. He answered later on and wished me a nice flight as well (and told me that his flight got cancelled). Nothing about the missing part at all. No emotions. I guess it’s high time I moved on now. He doesn’t seem to want to be romantically involved with me any longer. So I am trying to move on whilst I myself am abroad for the week.

Goodbye Alan.

I’m alone.

I have not only lost a bunch of guys this year that where somehow pretty important to me, or some friends I spent most time with.. or my faith in love and friendship. No, I have also lost my family today.
I’m not going into any detail but I was calling my brother because he has been an absolute asshole, and he’s said a few things that hurt me, but one thing I will never in my life forget again:
MY father sees him more than you.”

So. His father. Is definitely not mine anymore. So that’s settled. Yes, I have long lost contact to our father and there have been things I was not okay with. But he has still been my father. Obviously i am no part of this family anymore though.

I’m done. I’m so done with this life right now. I just want to get the fuck away from here.

the aftermath for myself. | tears.

I am struggling a lot more than I thought I would. It’s okay as long as I am busy – as always. Normal behaviour.

I went out with Mr. Cucu yesterday. I hadn’t seen him for 3 months – we last seen each other shortly before I met Stan and then Stan didn’t allow me to go out with him. I realised how much I missed Mr. Cucu when I saw him yesterday. Just being able to sit next to each other, no need to talk and yet being so close. No awkward silence like with Stan. I love this guy – in a platonic way, do not worry. I didn’t miss my friends too much in these 3 months – or so I thought – because I always had people to talk to at work. I had colleagues my age, I could talk to. So I didn’t really miss out on the gossip and everything else. But I realised this when I got back to my friends now.

By the way. A friend asked me if Mr. Cucu is going to be my next boyfriend and I said I am not going to have a boyfriend for a looong long time, yet I do miss a boyfriend already like crazy. I miss being cuddled and kissed, I miss the text messages I receive all day long.. I miss being loved. I miss the sneaky kisses or the looks you share. I miss meeting family and spending time with the little ones. I just miss Stan, to be honest. I don’t want to share this with anyone else right now.

I remembered all the good times I had with Mr. Cucu on holidays and started to get a very awful remorse. I had postponed every date we had for 3 entire months. Who even does that to his best friend? I’m such a bad friend.
However. We went to the movies to watch Inside Out. We both had expected this to be quite a funny movie. I don’t know whether it’s really been the movie or just the state of mind I’m currently in, but I had tears in my eyes several times thinking about Stan. Being sad. I found this movie sad. Was it only me?… I guess so.
I do miss him terribly, I am not going to lie to myself again. I am at the edge of tears a lot, although I know think that he is not the right one for me.

But…

Unlike what I said yesterday, his last message started to hurt me a lot over the last 48 hours. The more I thought about it, the more it hurt to know that he was thinking about me like that. That he really hated me, and that he thinks I’m worthless. I have tried to do all the right things for 3 months, I showed him feelings I didn’t even know I had and gave him my everything and yet he claims me to be worthless. That I did so much wrong. I know he said it to hurt me, and that I reacted the opposite because I knew of that. But my brain is wicked and I started to believe him. I woke up several times last night, first of all thinking about him. What he was doing or how he is. Whether he is in tears as well or if he really is not hurt at all. I do not know, and I know I should not text him. So far I haven’t. I know there’s no reason to do so, he has finished this in a cruel way and there’s no reason for me to ask for an explanation. I will not get one.

What I struggle with the most, is not to justify myself. I have never let myself be treated like this – and I did it for 3 months. Even when my boss did me wrong, I would justify myself and tell him how I thought about it. Not doing this for his last message took me a lot of strength and willpower, because I know how wrong he is. But it won’t change anything if I did. If he thinks like this about me, then he really did not know me at all. And if he really does think this of me, then it’s better we broke up – or I would have never been enough or given enough to him.
Now I try to remember all the good things he’s said to me. The times when he told me how big of a heart I have, and that he has never fallen so deeply in love like he did with me. What a wonderful woman I am and that he wants to have a family with me. He once said that if we broke up, he would want a girl just like me- just one that doesn’t need as much alone-time as me, else I was perfect for him.
But then the doubts arise and I remember how many times he lied to me and I never could take apart which one was a lie and which one was the truth. Maybe he always thought I was worthless? Maybe he didn’t. I will never know. And knowing that he will not ever talk to me again, probably hurts the most of all. I did say to my mom that this is the hardest part for me. Knowing I can never find real closure when not talking about what went wrong or how he really thinks about me, once we have gotten over this relationship. Because that’s what I always needed and did with every ex-boyfriend. I want to know what he really thinks of me, and if there would have been a chance. But I will never know.

I’m in tears again, and I don’t even think he is worth it right now. Not for the way he treated me. But yet, here I am, crying once more… not even wanting to get over him. This sucks. Big time.

help my mind!

Today we broke up. For real.

I drove over straight after work at 11pm yesterday. We exchanged our hi’s and then he asked to sleep. I couldn’t fall asleep till 2.30am, so wasn’t in the best of moods in the morning.
He asked me what was wrong, I told him that I slept pretty bad and explained why. I don’t know why, but we started arguing again and I pretty much just told him that this makes no more sense. There was no point in trying on, because we will end up at the same place over and over again. I pretty much broke up with him. He then said “I’m gonna go and smoke, tell me what you want when I return” and I mumbled “you already know the answer”. He said no more and all of a sudden I started to cry. I don’t know where these emotions came from, but they caught me by surprise. He took me in his arms. He cuddled me. We made love. I was exhausted afterwards from the lack of sleep and fell asleep. When he came back from smoking he asked again what was wrong, I told him that I was exhausted and should leave me be. I was not in a mood to argue again.

The next discussion started. I have told him so many times this week that I am over talking about this, because there really is no point. I told him that I am now gonna go home and try to find out what I want. He didn’t want to let me go, asked me to lay back in his arms with me. He told me all the things a girl would want to hear. That he can imagine having 2 babies with me. That he would even marry me. That he feels like I’m that woman. Really, all these things. And I asked him to not interrupt me when I tell him things, that once I do talk I want to speak myself out and not be interrupted. I told him that I needed to get away for a moment from him and will go home, because I need to realise what I actually do feel and what I want from this relationship, because I can’t think straight anymore. He didn’t understand and said that this will only make it worse. I told him that there is no other way for me than that, because I need that time away to find out what I want. There is no reason to go on, he can do as much as he wants, he can tell me all the nice things, there’s no point when I don’t know what I want. He didn’t understand. He kept saying that it will make us move further away. And I started to get annoyed and told him that he didn’t know me better than myself, that I knew this is what I needed. And started to get up. He then all of a sudden jumped up, got dressed and said “well have a nice time then” and walked to the balcony. I walked away. I drove home. No emotions. No tears.

Only when I sat back for a moment and realised what I had done. That the future would be without him now, I started to get that  clenched feeling around my heart. Is it really over now? I do not know. He told me he will ignore me, if I decide to walk away. I haven’t texted him yet to find out. I have thought about how to revive this relationship. I have thought about a new beginning, new dating. Just start from zero and go out on dates again. Would it work? I do not know. I probably will suggest this, but once more, what if he has ignored me already? I do not know. I don’t know what to feel, still don’t. What I do know, is that I still love him with all my heart or it wouldn’t hurt. I wouldn’t be angry with myself for walking away and taking that one last chance away. But then I would also be angry with him, when he told me all those things about a future of us, when he would just give up when I ask him to give me some time. But is this really what I want? Do I really think things will get solved one way or the other? I am not sure of this.

Where the future leads? I do not know. For the first time since the breakup with Momo, I really wish someone else could make that decision. Because I really do not know what I want or not want in fact. So why can’t just someone else make that decision and I live up to it?

a new fear is uprising

I sometimes wonder whether I really am always depressed on a Sunday, or what. I have been overthinking again. When I lay in bed yesterday I was talking to Gohan. Not much, but we were texting. I then started to think: What if he meets another girl in the mean time? We’re not in a relationship so he wouldn’t be cheating on me. And I couldn’t really be mad at him either, because we never said it’s serious. So why am I starting to think that I’ll lose him? I had a thing like that before – it has been several years back – when I just made out with that guy and I totally fell for him – he didn’t want to have any kind of relationship so I thought I’m just gonna continue and at some point he’ll be okay with it. I was naive. 2 months later when he decided to ignore me, I found out that he slept with a friend of mine. He didn’t even have the balls to tell me himself, he just shut me out of his life. I’m scared that the same thing will happen again. And this is definitely a sign that I do have feelings for that guy.

You know, we never tell eachother that we like us. We don’t even say that we miss eachother, although I do miss him like crazy. I don’t want to ask him for another date again, because we actually had planned on going out today. But that was before Thursday when I was at his place. I don’t want to be clingy, so I’m not asking again. I know that I overthink, because I should just go on with being the way I am. Because it’s what he likes, right? …

We have been talking about being shy. Because I am. I am when it comes to taking that first step. I’m scared that he expects me to be really experienced in having sex (sorry to type that out). Because I am not. And that’s why I didn’t want to do it with him. I’m afraid he will leave me, once he finds out. I know it’s stupid, but what can I do? He had such a long relationship where he definitely had a lot of sex, and I… well I didn’t. I told him that I’m shy before, but he didn’t quite believe me. When we talked about that yesterday, he suddenly stopped writing. And then just went to bed. I’m so afraid to be left now. I know a few days ago I said that I’m not worried to be hurt. But now I am. I don’t know whether it’s because I felt so lonely last night and this led me to being sad and depressed today. I hope so. That I’ll be okay again tomorrow. Or maybe I just start to realise how much I could lose by playing around. I know how broken I was when this happened the last time. I don’t know if I can handle it again.