sadness

Broken

I guess the final breakup has really settled in now. I have been emotionless all day. A first reminder of a beginning depression episode. And now I am crying over it. I am crying for no reason. I started crying because of a TV show, and all of a sudden I am crying about all my failures and faults in my entire life.

I knew he would not text me again. Not after my confessions. Not after telling him that our relationship lays in his hands from now on. I have finished the letter today. The one I had been writing on since I came back from holidays. Because I knew I would not be able to do so, once I realised he was gone for good. I knew I needed to write the words down before the tears came. And now they’re here. I am so sad. I don’t even know what about. There hasn’t been much more lost than 4 weeks ago. But it hurts that much more to let the breakup in my heart. Let it shatter the pieces that have been mended for a short amount of time. It hurts all over again. No matter how much I told myself I would be okay. That I probably wouldn’t even want this relationship anymore. My heart has broken again today. Realising that he’s gone. Really gone.

Another failed relationship? My obviously failure of keeping anyone close? Of not pushing them away after a few months? Of having a family? Of loving someone? Of not being important to anyone in my miserable life? I do not know what exactly hurts this much. But I can feel physical pain by now. And I have been wishing to just not be here anymore. I can’t get through another heartbreak. How many more times? I can’t do this any longer. I’m broken.

Goodbye Alan!

Now I’m even dreaming about him…

When that sadness hit me yesterday, I talked to a friend about it. I asked her whether I should send him a message, wishing him a good flight and a save journey today. She said that I should, if I felt the need to. But that I should not put any pressure on it or blame.

All day long that sadness didn’t vanish. Then I woke up from a dream of his. This is ridiculous, but even in my dreams he didn’t care. We were on a building about to go on a trip and I asked if he had read the letter. He said yes. I asked if he had anything to say about it and he said: “Wouldn’t know what!” I was devastated that even after all the emotions and effort I had put into it, he still would not show me anything. Although deep down I knew that some sort of love was there… nothing.

Maybe my subconciousness is telling me to give it up. To not hope for an answer that I am not going to get. Who even wastes a trip to think about his ex? Nobody. So I need to figure things out for myself and not wait for an answer I will not get. Let go of this hope. Let go of the sadness, the anger, the emotions toward him.

I need to understand that he does not love me that much, to give a care about how I feel. No matter how much this truth hurts me. I need to let it go. I need to open my eyes and see the world for its fact and not my hope and imagination of it.

I am alone again.

PS: I did text him a goodbye, wishing him a good flight and save trip. To enjoy the US and get back safely. Saying that Sunday I had so much more to tell him, but that I don’t think it would be a good idea anymore. An hour or so later I told him that I was missing him and hoped he wpuld have a good time. He answered later on and wished me a nice flight as well (and told me that his flight got cancelled). Nothing about the missing part at all. No emotions. I guess it’s high time I moved on now. He doesn’t seem to want to be romantically involved with me any longer. So I am trying to move on whilst I myself am abroad for the week.

Goodbye Alan.

sadness overload.

All of a sudden these last few days, emotions have bubbled up in me. Whilst anger was the most obvious over the course of the last couple of weeks, a deep sadness has overcome me ever since I stopped working last Thursday. I was able to keep it at bay by working on my school stuff. However today it got to me. Big time.

It’s not a sadness I’ve felt before, about being single and apparently not being able to hold up a relationship. Or seeing everyone happy around me, dating or being in long-term-relationships (which of course is not helping out at all right now). But the sadness of losing a part of myself. I don’t know where all these tears have come from as I haven’t cried in probably 2-3 weeks about this breakup. But now I can’t hold them back anymore. I haven’t cried for so long, and now they’re overflowing. All of a sudden. I didn’t even particularly think about Alan, when a sadness has started to form from my stomach upwards. And now I’m sitting here in bed, tears spilling on my tshirt.

Maybe it’s part of the realisation. Knowing that he will fly away for 3 weeks tomorrow and doesn’t even have the nerve to tell me what he thought about the letter. Not one word was said ever since I sent him the package. It just hurts so much to once more have provided trust in someone that obviously has not deserved it.

I’m just so hurt.

How do I get out?

Life has been like a chore to me lately. I just live. I don’t notice what is happening around me and neither do I care about anything anymore. People tell me that their friends are pregnant. That they need surgery. I went to the doctors to be told that I need surgery myself. I just don’t care anymore. I feel so emotionless. Like I shut out all the emotions, all the memories which try to pop up in my head. At night I lay in bed for hours, imagining to kiss Gohan. To have him with me. But with so much force there’s another imagination coming up. The one when Gohan dumps me.

I have written up a really long post, but I didn’t publish because I felt vunerable. It’d be my weakest point not even my friends know about. But maybe at some point, I’ll be okay to show you. I keep hiding in a world which is not mine. I read several hours a day, just so I don’t have to think about what is going on in my life right now. Yesterday evening I texted a friend, just to make myself feel better. To flirt with him. But this ended up in tears, because I imagined to do those things with Gohan. I need to talk to him, I know I do. I just feel like it’s his turn now.

I had hoped that things would work out. At least once in my life. After my parents got divorced. After my brother left. After my best friend went abroad and never came back. After I had been threatened with suicide. I shut out all my friends and family. I didn’t want to let anyone come close enough to actually see what is going on in my head. But slowly I started to trust several friends again. Slowly I started to believe in love again and let someone get my heart. Just to be let down again. It took me a year to try again. Try and let a guy touch my heart. And once more, all I got from it, is pain. Just pain. And the walls which slowly tumbled down, are built up again.

It’s weird because he keeps messaging me. But not even close to what amount we used to write. Not even after our argument when I was on my trip. Even then we texted daily. I haven’t heard of him since Thursday. He did message me on Saturday, but because he was bored, so I didn’t reply. He used to message me whenever he was online, I now see him online a lot, but he never messages me. Ever. He never mentioned another date. He didn’t mention any kind of feelings. I do not know what to do or think anymore. I miss him like crazy, but I don’t want to be the one going after him. I don’t want to be the vunerable one, the one who begs for attention. I want HIM to text me, ask me out, tell me that he misses me.

But honestly? I don’t think he does anymore. And that’s why he doesn’t tell me or talk to me. He wasn’t the one to text me everyday that he misses me. But he did say it a couple of times. We haven’t talked about ‘us’. Because ‘us’ doesn’t seem to exist anymore.

I can’t do this anymore.

I know better times are ahead. But for now, I just don’t want to hear anything about it. I just want to hide. And sleep.