…He told me how much of a shit person I was for taking the shower by myself. I explained to him once more, that I had thought he wouldn’t get up with me and that this was my morning routine – getting up after the alarm clock and going straight to the shower. He got mad at me for being so selfish and what not. I told him several times that he should just stop taking these things so personal, what was the problem of me showering by myself..? Like seriously, I still don’t understand?
Anyway, I ended up leaving his place half an hour later, saying “just think about how you treat me and why I am reacting the way I am”. He asked me to stay, I said no, that he should just do that. And left. I would not get to work late again, just because of his stupid thinking that I was pushing him away just because I showered by myself. What the actual f*ck?
I actually felt better, making a statement. Would I have known how this ended, I probably would have just gone without giving him a chance of understanding me. But I felt good for making him think about what he’d done.. and who knows how he’d react. Here is how:
Him: It’s easy to say think about what you’re doing – because I know what I want. Sure, I want a relationship with a girlfriend that loves me from the bottom of her heart and not just half of it – and situations like we are currently in make it hard when you just turn off your emotions. When it’s like at the beginning of the week, it’s wonderful – I don’t want it any different than that. But the way it is now, a lot will break again. I think you know that I want us to be both happy – I’m just confused because I thought that I didn’t make so many mistakes as I obviously did, or what your feelings show. And that’s what hurts me a lot, because I think there’s not much space left until you turn off completely – and that’s making me unsure and I can’t love the way I want.
When you want to turn off your emotions M, I can’t do anything about it, because that’s what gives me motivation for everything else but you. These emotions would show me there’s reason to fight. But when there are no emotions and you want to turn them off, I’m gonna give up. At the end of the day, I hope to see the feelings of my girlfriend or that she sees what is important to me… if this doesn’t work anymore, it’s lost already. Sometimes it’s really hard, because I love to spend time with you, but you show the opposite in most things. But somehow that’s alright as long as I notice that you do love you when you’re here – but these feelings are getting smaller. I don’t know what to write, I think either you see there’s a point in us and you love me, or you don’t. And if you do, you would want this to be like at the beginning of the week.
Me: I already told you this morning that I love you and all of this doesn’t change anything about my feelings. I told you what I need so I don’t turn it off or don’t act this way. It started with you saying “well I can as well just work longer then”, which just told me that I am too much work for you when I don’t feel good and I can’t offer you an always-happy-M! There will be days I am in a bad mood, and either you leave me be or you don’t start a discussion about it… or else I will react the way I did today.
I did overcome a lot of inner demons yesterday to drive over to your place, and then you tell me things like you did and I just don’t want to come over for this, why do I have to overcome myself if I don’t get anything in return? What I do miss, is, that you take a first step as well, not always me. I don’t want to always be the first to take your hand in the car. Or that comes close to cuddle up. Because you don’t do this anymore and I don’t know if you will turn me down or not, so why is it a reason for you not to take that step when it’s the same for me? I still do it, although I do not know what you want either.
Him: So I have thought about this: every person is different – other thoughts, other emotions, other reactions. For you it’s a problem when I tell you, that you’re an asshole, but you have no problem with turning off your phone. For me there’s no problem in being told I’m an asshole, but it’s a problem when my girlfriend turns off my phone and ignores me, because she’s being bitchy. Now am I without respect when I tell you “asshole”, or is it without respect when you bitch around and ignore me? Is it only disrespectful when it is hurting YOU? Is disrespectful even the right term or are you allowed to put me down when a million other people are okay with being told that they’re an asshole? Do I have to take it as disrespectful when you ignore me, because I really can’t handle this? No, because it’s MY problem and I cannot get around with it.
You don’t know me from my past: I always was unfaithful, I played with girls and I rarely had only one girlfriend at a time. I fooled other people, I just needed someone to be around – was I disrespectful? Yes, because I mistreated people and I never was been honest with them. But I learned from this – in all these years I have become more honest and I have started to appreciate the people around me. I started to analyse my past relationships and learned from what I did wrong. I have changed a lot, but yes I am in no way perfect and there’s still a long way to go. But for me it’s important to learn something from it, so some day I might be the way I want to be. But if I were perfect, would I want to be with you? Would I love you, or would I be searching for Miss Perfect? In my opinion, you are not very easy, and I think a relationship between a perfect someone and a not-perfect someone cannot function. We both make mistakes, we both can learn from them and there’s no one that is below the other.
After my last 3 girlfriends I learned the most, because these relationships have been very important to me. When you see a mistake in me, I often think back and don’t understand, because with you I have improved a lot. If I had been the way I am with you in my past relationships, I don’t think we would have broken up. After S I have long thought that this has been it, that I would not find another one.. but I swore to myself not to bargain away my next chance, when I find a relationship that is as important as these 3 were. But although I have changed so much, it’s still not enough for you. Each day I compare with the other one: have I really changed something, have I changed? And yes, I have taken a huge step forwards, but it’s not huge enough for you. You don’t understand how much I am putting away – I told you several times already, I want something like a family: not kids already, not marrying already – but a life together in a home we live in together, eating out together, going out together, going on holidays together, knowing how the other one feels and helping each other out. But instead all I have to do is accepting that you want to spend less and less time together. The first few weeks have been a blessing – we went out on the weekends, we went to the beach on work days. Now? We see each other later each evening and at the weekends we often don’t see each other, too…yet it’s still not enough for you. In my last few relationships I had all of this, and although I didn’t appreciate it at the time, I do now. With you, I always know that some time in the future, for you it’s gonna be too much. Each day I hope, that maybe there’s more time to spend – it’s a fight against someone who wants to get away. Yes, I probably have helped you get so distant, I will help you so long until you can take that step of leaving me. Not because I want this, or don’t want you anymore, no, but because you can’t appreciate me in your life and see me as a mistake.
When I told you “you’re an asshole” this morning, was because I was upset with my feelings. Because I do have feelings. I told you already that I say such things in a situation, not considering all of our time. I can’t play it cool and just say “well fuck it”. Emotions which I also show when I feel good and want to dream with you. Emotions that probably shoot out of my head, because I sometimes don’t understand a reaction or I feel overwhelmed. Emotions that can be positive or negative, but if they weren’t here, I wouldn’t care about anything. But then I’d ask myself, does this person belong into my life, is there any interest?
You are someone that is very moody with your feelings – there’s not a middle thing, there’s just a good or a bad, and it’s making it very hard for me to understand and I am overwhelmed with them. I can’t put my thoughts into order, because I don’t understand most of it. I don’t understand.. because I change and change, and yet it’s still not enough.
Some things were nice to hear, I’m not gonna lie. But most of it? For me it was just more accusations about me not showing feelings, which is not true. I did turn them off in the morning, so I could discuss things with him. Because otherwise I cannot think rationally. He doesn’t understand. I texted him back after a long day at work…