fighting

Goodbye Alan!

Now I’m even dreaming about him…

When that sadness hit me yesterday, I talked to a friend about it. I asked her whether I should send him a message, wishing him a good flight and a save journey today. She said that I should, if I felt the need to. But that I should not put any pressure on it or blame.

All day long that sadness didn’t vanish. Then I woke up from a dream of his. This is ridiculous, but even in my dreams he didn’t care. We were on a building about to go on a trip and I asked if he had read the letter. He said yes. I asked if he had anything to say about it and he said: “Wouldn’t know what!” I was devastated that even after all the emotions and effort I had put into it, he still would not show me anything. Although deep down I knew that some sort of love was there… nothing.

Maybe my subconciousness is telling me to give it up. To not hope for an answer that I am not going to get. Who even wastes a trip to think about his ex? Nobody. So I need to figure things out for myself and not wait for an answer I will not get. Let go of this hope. Let go of the sadness, the anger, the emotions toward him.

I need to understand that he does not love me that much, to give a care about how I feel. No matter how much this truth hurts me. I need to let it go. I need to open my eyes and see the world for its fact and not my hope and imagination of it.

I am alone again.

PS: I did text him a goodbye, wishing him a good flight and save trip. To enjoy the US and get back safely. Saying that Sunday I had so much more to tell him, but that I don’t think it would be a good idea anymore. An hour or so later I told him that I was missing him and hoped he wpuld have a good time. He answered later on and wished me a nice flight as well (and told me that his flight got cancelled). Nothing about the missing part at all. No emotions. I guess it’s high time I moved on now. He doesn’t seem to want to be romantically involved with me any longer. So I am trying to move on whilst I myself am abroad for the week.

Goodbye Alan.

oh well, hello depression!

Before I leave you hanging, wondering what has happened ever since… I need to write this down before I forget to post how the story continued…

So after I told him not to join me to come to my granny’s and he just accepted my decision (which, don’t get me wrong, I was happy about.. but yet expected him to act up in any way), I was once more crying in bed. Slipping back into depression. I could feel the grip.

That night he asked if everything was okay with me. And I truthfully said “no”. He asked what had happened and I was upset, that he didn’t even think that I was still feeling bad about what had happened at the weekend.
I once more told him about my feelings. He once more hit back with things that didn’t really matter. I told him about my constant crying. About his way of “solving” problems (aka just talking about something else). I told him what to do (aka just ask when he felt like I was distant or whatever). He then tried to defend himself saying that he did indeed ask how I was doing. I got upset once more, telling him that it took him 4 days to ask. He kept just trying to defend each and every action he’s done so far instead of just trying to understand my point of view.
I told him once more that it wasn’t one single action that made me lose my shit, but the little things building up (I don’t think he has yet understood what I mean, but I’m done trying to explain). He once more got back to that very same situation, telling me that I could’ve simply told him to join me to bed, or joined them to talk. So still no understanding, right? And by then I lost my shit. It was 12am, I wasn’t in the mood to once more argue, my head was killing me. So I told him to once more reread what I had told him last Saturday, because I could not explain myself any better than that. I was having a bad headache and was done with that whole situation. Thoughts of breaking up have been popping up in my head, and I knew I needed to get away from this fight.

His words: “I’ll reread it sometime“. Really? Setting your priorities right again, huh? Which – of course – got me upset once more. So I just said “I would really like to explain it to you once more, but I’m slowly noticing how my body is giving up, because my mind is. I have been suffering from a depression for a long time and these kind of things just help it surface once more. I know it’s not easy, and I will not ever complain about someone leaving me because it’s too complicated.
This made me tear up again. It’s not easy to confess a depression to someone you love.

Guess what?

No reply.

That was the point where I was really done with this relationship. If someone does not react to a confession like that, it was just wrong. So wrong. Add into that, he texted me the next morning a lovely “good morning 🙂 “, which upset me that much more. I didn’t reply for 2 hours, so he got angry and told me not to ignore him and whatever. How easy it had been in the beginning and I should stop acting that way.

I truthfully replied “No I feel like bullshit. If you cannot reply to a message like my confession, I can’t help you anymore.” I lashed out on him a lot more after that. How he has no idea how to treat people with mental problems, how he should not always make life as easy as it seems (because let’s be honest. He’s had a lovely life with few to none problems. Yes, his parents are divorced, but then that’s about all bad that’s happened to him). That was the moment I realised, why I’ve had all the boyfriends with mental problems. At least they knew what I was talking about. They needed me. To keep them on the surface. And Alan doesn’t.

Anyway. He then told me that he wasn’t okay with me telling him about my depression “by the way”, assuming he had long known about it. Which I didn’t. I knew that he didn’t know about my depression. How would he? Most of my friends don’t know about it. So I told him that I did not assume this, but that I had expected SOME sort of reaction at least. But that this was exactly what I meant about “not talking about problems”.
Which of course, he once more took personally and said that his life was not easy and whatever.

By then I had to get to work. And I was done with all this fighting. I really was done by now. I knew there was no reason to tell him those things, because he will never truly understand. He’s not ever been in such a situation. All his friends seem to be happy little buds. No friends with depression. So how should he even know how to deal with such a thing? So I just cut it off. I told him that I will not talk about this subject any longer, that if he ever had questions, he could ask me. But I would not talk about it in my means anymore. That maybe we could get back to our “old selves” once his final exams were over (because he used this as an excuse as not having time to wrap his head around ‘my depression’).

His last text about it was “Yes, I think it’s for the best to not talk about it anymore [no surprise here]. I’m sorry that I didn’t know how to react about your confession. I did want to know about it, but didn’t want to ask anything wrong.” To which I explained that asking will never be wrong with me.

So really? I don’t know what to think about any of this. I’m not so sure if we can spend a life together, if he does not know how to treat me and my depression. Maybe it’s unfair to expect this, but I have always had friends that were okay with it – or at least seemed to react in the right way. I don’t know. For now we’ll leave things be like they are right now. We have managed to treat each other normally again. Talking like friends (no affection so far). I told him that I could come over for the night this weekend. I know we need to see each other, it will be awkward anyway. So better get it done with as soon as possible. And like I’ve mentioned already. Maybe 3 weeks apart will do us good. Maybe not.

However, he’s just canceled these plans. I’m not gonna ask to see him again.

his response. | part 2.

Sorry, that post has been getting way longer than I had intended, so here comes part 2:

I put probably an hour into writing that text I sent him. I expected a lot in return, let’s be honest. I wanted him to understand. To spread the love he always claims he has.

1.5 hours later [12am] I got back this response:

Of course, to argue two people are needed and each one will play his part. Just to put some things straight: I rarely see my mother and I do not think I need to justify seeing her (just like getting blamed on talking to your mother for “2 hours”). The road trip abroad has long been planned, and as I was a guest I couldn’t have just taken someone along – that has nothing to do with you, I would have acted the same way with a friend.

In the beginning you had a lot of comprehension that I’m studying. There has been a time, when I’ve postponed everything from school, so I had to put time into university when we spent time together. I understood that you got upset about this and now work each day for school, so I can fully enjoy the time spent with you 🙂 but when I get a feedback on Thursday and need to hand in the corrected essay that same day, I just have to write it that day. I wish you would show some comprehension, especially now that the term is ending.

You’re right, you are a person to be read. But then give me the time to learn, because obviously I’m no good at it right now. I wish I was though. I never said we have to go to the movies to watch a movie I want to see. So how did you feel about me talking to your mother?

If you really do not want to discuss this any further, I ask you to ignore what I told you above. I do understand you, but I hope that you as well try to understand me.

Instead of finding the release I had hoped to find in his answer – or an apology, which yes I needed and wanted (and also think deserved)… I got upset once more.

I tried to put my thoughts into words one last time:

I just knew it would end up like that: you justifying your actions, although I told you I understood. I did not blame you for seeing your mom, of course not. I would not expect you to cancel seeing her. But it’s about you prioritising everything else except me, whilst telling me you don’t find the time for me. Don’t you understand? You told me ‘A’ but did ‘B’ (telling me ‘I don’t have time’ but spending the time with your mother). Same goes with writing your essay. I would have totally understood, but you told me you just had to send it off to your teacher, which – for me – means you’re done. I told you once before, when you have to write essays, stay at home. I’m not gonna be mad, just write it and be done with it, so you’re happy. Don’t feel obliged to come over, because in the end I will end up upset, staying beside you for nothing at all. I neither was angry about you going abroad, I just wanted to let you know a few examples, that have been building up to me feeling like being ‘the girlfriend at call’. Doesn’t mean I didn’t understand your situation.

It’s just once more very interesting how you just justify the things you can hit back, everything else is swept under the rug. Instead of just saying “yes, that’s right” or just saying sorry.

But like I said, whatever. I’ve told you I do understand your situation. I just want you to TRY and understand me, instead of punching me in the face again and again. Just saying “sorry, I didn’t want you to feel that way. It’s not like you feel.” But I have never heard anything alike, so I’m just approved in how I feel once more. I don’t have to say anything more to this, even though it hurts. There are different views of relationship, and this seems to be one of them.
And no, I am not mad, even though it sounds like that. I’m just done with trying to tell you in so many different ways, how I feel. I probably am too used to the empathy I get at work. So let’s just leave it be, I’m hoping you’ll learn something and I’m gonna go to bed. Tomorrow’s another day.

Him: Okay. Now I can’t even say sorry although I’ve understood, because you’re gonna say I just apologised because you told me to. I’m trying hard to change and hope you’ll be okay.

What I think about any of this? I do not know. I talked to my mom for a while yesterday and she said this was a situation you could totally tell he’s 2 years younger than me, and she’s right. I just hope he actually really understands, instead of just saying those things. I wish his communication would be that much better. I know we have a long way ahead, a lot to learn. And I hope we can do it. But I am not so sure of this anymore. I need a lot of approval from him. A lot of apologising in other ways. A lot of not taking me for granted in the next few weeks. And I am not sure if he can or will or want to do that.

Right now, things are okay. However I have been very glad he didn’t ask to see me this weekend anymore, if I’m being completely honest. I need some time away. So it’s probably a good thing he’s going away to America for 3 weeks in a couple of weeks. Some distance might work.

PS: I actually also have been thinking about probably going back to therapy. I did not punch that wall only once, but several times. I was scared to actually really do it, but I needed the physical pain to make the mental one go away. So I did it until I bled. I know this is not healthy, but it’s my way to deal with things. I wish I was normal.

Any thoughts to how he’s acted?! I need some neutral perspectives.

fight

We had our first big fight this weekend. Honestly, I don’t really know why it happened, but I knew it was coming for the last couple of weeks – as of how I was feeling about some things.

I did actually tell him last Friday about how I felt about his behaviour or rather lack thereof. I didn’t really get the answer I wanted to hear. He just said that he would let me know whenever he didn’t want to see me. But this is no reason to not ask to see me during the week, right? Anyway, I let it slip.. because really, what is the reason to keep arguing about it?

He was very loving when I came to his place though, so that was new (apart from that he won’t ever come to pick me up anymore, but waits in his room – but this as well was obvious to happen at some point). Then on Saturday he asked me what I wanted to do. In the morning he mentioned about going to a mountain, but as his father was away with the car I guessed this was off the cards. So I asked what he intended to do and that he obviously didn’t want to go to the mountains with my car, to which he said “why not?”. We were standing in the hallway when he asked again and I said that I had offered him to go to the mountains, but he was all weird about it saying “well then let’s go to the city” and off he went, without waiting for me as he usually does. He was sighing as well, which – let’s be honest here – is the biggest sign of being pissed, right? This really threw me off board and I wasn’t in the mood to talk no more. He asked me what was wrong and I said “nothing”, but didn’t look at him again. He stopped me in the middle of the street, asking again. I said “nothing, let’s just go”. But he stood there and said I should tell him what my problem was. I said “you’re pissed, that’s all” – in a tiny voice. He said he didn’t understand (acoustically) and I wasn’t in the mood to say it again, so I just went on. He held me up again, asking what my fucking problem was – getting really pissed, which upset me even more and I was on the edge of tears already anyway. I didn’t talk and just hugged him, but he didn’t really bother at all.

He stood on the pathway, looking at me and waiting for an answer, I didn’t give him one. We stood there for probably 10 minutes until he lost his shit and was like “what the fuck”. I already way crying, so I just went off to my car and locked myself in. This was a huge dĂ©jĂ -vu to Stan, which I hated. I knew I wanted him to come after me, but I also knew how fucking stupid this was. I bawled my eyes out in the car, reviving all the shit I was going through with Stan. All the hurt got right back at me. At some point I noticed how a car was driving next to mine, and heard that it was his father talking to him. I didn’t bother to look up.

After a few minutes, when I opened the window for some fresh air, he stood next to my car, asking what the fuck my problem was. I wasn’t able to talk, and neither did I wanted to. I just said that I thought he was really pissed, and I didn’t want him to be. He was very very very cold towards me, which upset me even more (once more, just like Stan). I got out of the car, trying to talk to him… but as I said him being that cold just upset me even more. At some point I was just like “do you want me to grab my stuff and just go?!” to which he said it was my choice. Y’all know what I wanted to hear. It was not that.

He was so furious, so at some point I was just like “I’m gonna get my things” and walked back towards his house, as he had the keys I had to wait on him. He didn’t open the door and asked me about a billion times what my fucking problem was. I told him that my head was the fucking problem, I had told him so many times before that it’s hard for me to just not read into his mimics and whatever and that he really had given me the feeling of being bored or annoyed with me. He didn’t seem to care at all. He asked me what I was intending to do about it (my head), and inside of me I lost my shit. I seriously did. What the hell man?! I asked him what he expected me to do? He didn’t say anything. After a while I said “well it would be a start for you to hug me when I’m crying” (instead of standing a foot away from me, crossed arms and just so so cold) to which he said, that I didn’t really show any affection towards him. He didn’t do anything. He didn’t hug me. So after a while I walked towards him and hugged him, he didn’t hug me back so I was like “okay then”. My world shattered.

I don’t really know how we solved that problem. At some point he just said “next time just tell me what the problem is and not throw such a tantrum, okay?”. I totally do understand his point of view, I did behave like a 3yo kid. But him being so cold and distant was breaking my heart, and I knew that fighting with him would never be easy. It was actually worse than with Stan. At least Stan would “defrost” at some point and hold me in his arms. Alan was so distant and thinking about it still makes me tear up. I had to make all those first steps, which I hate. It was the worst experience ever. I didn’t know what to do, because deep inside me I knew I didn’t want to give it up. I knew it was all in my head. But I had hoped he would be a little more understanding. I know he has no patience whatsoever, but I didn’t expect it to be that bad.

I really don’t know what to think. We had a lovely weekend afterwards, and all was good again. And I know that he’s not thought about the situation again, but it has stayed with me for the whole time and it’s making me so scared of the future. I know I need to learn and trust him. I need to believe what he says and not read so much into his non-existant actions. But it’s hard. And I had thought once I told him about my issues, he would be more understanding. It doesn’t seem that way. At these times he seems so selfish, and I really don’t know if it’s my head telling me – because I’m such a sucker at relationships – or it really is that way. Because he can be so loving and forthcoming as well. But then again, he’s not that big on showing emotions at all. He does tell me he loves me, but that’s about all I get. Is this really love from his side? I’m not entirely sure anymore, if I’m being completely honest. And I guess that’s why my insecurities have bubbled up so much these last few days. It makes me scared, that he’ll just dump me at some point.

But still, I don’t want to just give up, like I always did with anyone else. The problem won’t go away, because it’s me. It’s my head, that’s messed up. But this has given my heart a huge scar all over again, and I’m not sure how long it’ll take to heal up.

after the breakup.

I didn’t see Stan for 4 days. One reason or the other held me back from driving over. Monday, he told me he was really not feeling well. Then all of a sudden he didn’t reply anymore and shut his phone off (remember how much of a fuss he made about me doing the same?). I thought I would finish watching my series and then drive over, although this is so not me. He texted me like 15 minutes before I would have left, that “if you really would have been interested, you would have come over, without me asking again and again. Did think you wouldn’t anyway.”
At that point I was so beyond angry, because who is he thinking he is? So I was angry and for the first time I didn’t sit back for a minute and thought about how to express my feelings in a kind way, but just typed away.
“Seriously Stan? I thought I would finish my series and then come over to see if you were home. But you can stop with that bullshit straight away. Telling me all the time how bad I am for turning off my phone and you do the exact same thing? You’re not one piece better than I am.”

He then went on about how the series was more important to me than him and all of that crap. How I was heartless and didn’t care if he was okay or not. For the first time he experienced the angry-M he has never seen before and he realised what it felt like when I expressed my feelings the way I felt them without any holding back or rephrasing what is going through my head. Yes, I was without heart when I told him those things, because he made me that mad. His behaviour just left me feeling like I was dealing with a 6yo kid, he was trying to make me feel bad, he started to make a fuss about my cold heart and what not. I went to bed afterwards, because what was the reason to argue about these kind of things? We will never come to terms on this.

Yet, I went over to his place again on Tuesday. I was feeling very anxious and nervous when I drove over. I just wanted to be held, I said hello and laid on the bed. When he finally joined me, he didn’t hold my hand although I reached out to him. It made me sad, yes. He then all of a sudden said “You will not understand, but you feel like a stranger to me.” It made me cry. I did think we would have a nice evening and that’s what I got. He explained some more, which I do not recall actually. We had sex. Twice. It was nice. I like having sex with him, without a doubt. But I also knew something was different.
The next morning he got mad again, once more I can’t recall what about. And this time it didn’t hurt. All that was going through my head was “if I walk away for the last time today. I don’t think I will be hurt that this is over”, I have reached a point where I cannot go on anymore. My body and mind are so overwhelmed all the time, I just can’t go on anymore.
I went over again on Wednesday evening, telling him that I was exhausted from work and just wasn’t up to arguing so I went over. I laid in bed, already falling half asleep when all of a sudden he said “I wanna tell you some thing”, I mumbled a “yes” and just waited. It took him quite a while until he started. He talked for 1.5 hours, me always falling asleep and then remembering that I needed to listen to what he was saying. I think the most important thing he said to me in that time, was that he will walk away when I keep being that cold. That he cannot work with this. He also said that there’s either the side of him going out by himself and just having a girlfriend for sex, or then spending all the time with her. He cannot mix those sides up – as he says – so I don’t think this will end up with us together long-term.

We still are together. I spent the night at home last night, as I fell asleep at 7.30pm and he was out with his company and only texted me at 9pm that he was off now. I slept for 12.5 hours straight, which is so not me. But just once more shows that my body is completely shattered from all the stress with work and him. I’m emotionally drained. I really am at a point where I cannot argue anymore, I just do whatever he asks me for. I do know that my heart is not in it anymore, but who cares really?
He has taken some steps towards me. He has not blamed me for not texting him almost all day and being offhand. He didn’t blame me for taking 2 hours at home before going over to him. He didn’t argue with me when I said I will leave at 6am in the morning. He is trying very hard to make this work, but somehow my heart just doesn’t appreciate this anymore. I guess this has come too late. But I am not sure of this, so I will continue like we have. Time will tell if my heart gets back to him again.

Or if – in the end – he will be the one to walk away.

breakup | Part Six.

I did expect him to say “yes come over” although I was being unsure of my feelings. And so probably was he. But instead he ignored this wish of mine entirely. He told me how everything was always the same, we talk but never understand the other one.

He started saying that he was okay with his wish for a family. That he was in an age it was okay to feel that way and that probably in 10 years I would understand where he stands, because he cannot forever have children. That he understands that in my age the thoughts are not the same. That he is not 25, that he was playing around with girls that age, that he didn’t think about family (although let’s be honest, he had 2 kids at that age already, so what do I think about someone who actually does have kids and “can’t be bothered about family”?..).
I got mad again, because he knows how much more worth family has to me than anything else. I have never been the one to go out partying, I was never one to be fooling around with boys. I always just got together with them when I knew they wanted kids some time. So I tried to explain to him that I just needed these little steps towards family, that I couldn’t go from dating to family life straight away. And that he didn’t even want to give us a chance anymore. Because at that moment, I really felt how he had turned away from me.
Him: when I tell you I want a family, I don’t want to move in with you after a month and start making babies 2 months after that. No I need a lot of time to take that step. And even more security for a child. For me I am trying to find out if you are able to have a family with me – and I don’t see that you are ready for a family. I don’t see how you can do anything on your own.
And who tells you that I don’t want to give it a chance anymore? I still talk to you, right? I still spend time to answer you.
Me: Because you tell me that you need someone who wants family and who can be on her own, yet you tell me in the same breath that I cannot give it to you. So why exactly should I not feel this way, when in each answer you tell me how much of what you need I cannot give to you? Yes, you’re still talking to me, but are you doing to me or because you still really believe in a future? Because if you did, you would have answered me request of seeing you tonight.
Him: Honestly? It’s not easy, what is going on right now is not helping my emotions. And it has not been too much yet, I still believe in something. But yes, it’s becoming harder and this makes me sad.
Me: I really don’t know what to do anymore. I told you what I think and how I feel, you don’t react to anything. I’m at the same point I was a week ago, where I couldn’t get to your emotions, no matter what I did. So tell me what to do, Stan.
Him: You always think you’re doing the right thing, although I tell you so much, which isn’t only my own opinion but the experience of others. I try to help us so much, but I just get through with you. I would have needed you on Friday and I had really hoped you would come over, you didn’t. If I had known this right from the beginning, I wouldn’t have discusses with you.
Me: I NEVER said that I am always right and I don’t even think so. It’s not me, and I know I have many mistakes on me, which I do know of. I have told you this before. I never said it was good to walk away, I said that for ME it’s good to have some distance, I never claimed it for you to be good! Yes I leave a situation, I have explained that to you a billion times. Have I ever said it was the right decision? No. So tell me, how exactly am I pushing you away? Because I try to understand you? Because I wanted to come over today and you don’t want me to? And about that situation on Friday: The exact same thing happened a week ago, when I asked you to come over because I was so overly sad. You didn’t want to. I would have needed you, you didn’t care. So why am I the bad one now?
I have wished for you to stand in front of my door so many times already, that I am important to you. Never happened. Have I ever blamed you for this? No. I blamed you on Friday because I told you several times last week, that I need a step from your side, a proof of your love. When you told me that you drank alcohol, I knew you didn’t even consider doing something like that. I was sad and didn’t reply, because I didn’t want to blame you for more than that. Excuse me that I didn’t want to make it any worse. Maybe I should have just let you be the entire evening, what do I know?
Him: You know how much of a problem it is to come over to your place for me, because you still live at home. I don’t need no mommy or daddy anymore, I am an adult. Maybe it’s also because I want to get along with my girlfriend’s family and you have been talking about our problems together, and therefore I will not feel very welcomed in your home.
Me (again very angry about this excuse): I never asked you to sleep here or anything, but to show that you can actually get your ass up and come over to tell me those things to my face. And yes I talk to my mother about these things, because I don’t want to because fucking depressed again.

I then decided to go to sleep. I knew there would not come anything out of this conversation anymore and I now knew he didn’t want to see me. So what more should I do. I went to bed.

Him: It’s always a fight to get to see you. When you tell me you don’t want to see me and I am going to force you to come over. It’s an awful feeling, because I know you will blame me again. And I usually don’t want to see you after discussions like this, because you do not want to see me and what does that mean? Yet I keep asking to see you.
After your late shift I wasn’t in a happy mood. That’s why. The next morning you had a shower by yourself and were very cold-hearted afterwards – you didn’t care what that meant for my feelings. But when I tell you that you’re an asshole I’m disrespectful and everything is just worse – because it’s all about YOUR feelings.
I know you’re walking away because of me, no matter what you say. You have told me several times that it’s not because of me, I know that it is. Because you only walk away when we’re having bad times. And not talking about our problems? It’s your own decision whether or not to fall back into depressions, but you don’t care whether I feel good around your family or not, or you would take care about what you tell them.

When I read this the next morning, I was done. Although we kept texting forth and back I was pretty sure that things were done now. i congratulated him for getting me to that point where I was not eager to fight on. I wrote him a pretty damn big text, all I received was “are you at work?”. So done. He was asking why I didn’t reply in the evening. I explained all of it in a neutral voice, no more emotions and I know he realised this. The same blame as the day before came up again, about me always being right and what not. That I just work with my head.
At least he did say that he still noticed that feelings were involved. He came up again about me living on my own, I told him I can’t give him that. So why keep arguing about things that I cannot change in my current situation?

He did say that he could take that step of coming to my place, but not to be rejected. I asked him what he did last Thursday, because that’s exactly what he did. He asked me to come over, just to reject me. To which he replied “I didn’t reject you – I didn’t say I don’t want to see you” to which I said: yeah, you said that to me yesterday.
The conversation has subsided since then, he knows that I am right. He knows that this time it is not me to be blamed. He asked me to meet up at lunch break, we couldn’t match our time plans, so that was off.

His last message: “M, I have realised you don’t really want to see me. I hope you’re not going to make this situation even more complicated and I would really like to see you when you can work with your heart again.” Will I ever be able to do that again? I do not know.

breakup | Part Two.

…He told me how much of a shit person I was for taking the shower by myself. I explained to him once more, that I had thought he wouldn’t get up with me and that this was my morning routine – getting up after the alarm clock and going straight to the shower. He got mad at me for being so selfish and what not. I told him several times that he should just stop taking these things so personal, what was the problem of me showering by myself..? Like seriously, I still don’t understand?
Anyway, I ended up leaving his place half an hour later, saying “just think about how you treat me and why I am reacting the way I am”. He asked me to stay, I said no, that he should just do that. And left. I would not get to work late again, just because of his stupid thinking that I was pushing him away just because I showered by myself. What the actual f*ck?
I actually felt better, making a statement. Would I have known how this ended, I probably would have just gone without giving him a chance of understanding me. But I felt good for making him think about what he’d done.. and who knows how he’d react. Here is how:

Him: It’s easy to say think about what you’re doing – because I know what I want. Sure, I want a relationship with a girlfriend that loves me from the bottom of her heart and not just half of it – and situations like we are currently in make it hard when you just turn off your emotions. When it’s like at the beginning of the week, it’s wonderful – I don’t want it any different than that. But the way it is now, a lot will break again. I think you know that I want us to be both happy – I’m just confused because I thought that I didn’t make so many mistakes as I obviously did, or what your feelings show. And that’s what hurts me a lot, because I think there’s not much space left until you turn off completely – and that’s making me unsure and I can’t love the way I want.
When you want to turn off your emotions M, I can’t do anything about it, because that’s what gives me motivation for everything else but you. These emotions would show me there’s reason to fight. But when there are no emotions and you want to turn them off, I’m gonna give up. At the end of the day, I hope to see the feelings of my girlfriend or that she sees what is important to me… if this doesn’t work anymore, it’s lost already. Sometimes it’s really hard, because I love to spend time with you, but you show the opposite in most things. But somehow that’s alright as long as I notice that you do love you when you’re here – but these feelings are getting smaller. I don’t know what to write, I think either you see there’s a point in us and you love me, or you don’t. And if you do, you would want this to be like at the beginning of the week.

Me: I already told you this morning that I love you and all of this doesn’t change anything about my feelings. I told you what I need so I don’t turn it off or don’t act this way. It started with you saying “well I can as well just work longer then”, which just told me that I am too much work for you when I don’t feel good and I can’t offer you an always-happy-M! There will be days I am in a bad mood, and either you leave me be or you don’t start a discussion about it… or else I will react the way I did today.
I did overcome a lot of inner demons yesterday to drive over to your place, and then you tell me things like you did and I just don’t want to come over for this, why do I have to overcome myself if I don’t get anything in return? What I do miss, is, that you take a first step as well, not always me. I don’t want to always be the first to take your hand in the car. Or that comes close to cuddle up. Because you don’t do this anymore and I don’t know if you will turn me down or not, so why is it a reason for you not to take that step when it’s the same for me? I still do it, although I do not know what you want either.

Him: So I have thought about this: every person is different – other thoughts, other emotions, other reactions. For you it’s a problem when I tell you, that you’re an asshole, but you have no problem with turning off your phone. For me there’s no problem in being told I’m an asshole, but it’s a problem when my girlfriend turns off my phone and ignores me, because she’s being bitchy. Now am I without respect when I tell you “asshole”, or is it without respect when you bitch around and ignore me? Is it only disrespectful when it is hurting YOU? Is disrespectful even the right term or are you allowed to put me down when a million other people are okay with being told that they’re an asshole? Do I have to take it as disrespectful when you ignore me, because I really can’t handle this? No, because it’s MY problem and I cannot get around with it.
You don’t know me from my past: I always was unfaithful, I played with girls and I rarely had only one girlfriend at a time. I fooled other people, I just needed someone to be around – was I disrespectful? Yes, because I mistreated people and I never was been honest with them.
 But I learned from this – in all these years I have become more honest and I have started to appreciate the people around me. I started to analyse my past relationships and learned from what I did wrong. I have changed a lot, but yes I am in no way perfect and there’s still a long way to go. But for me it’s important to learn something from it, so some day I might be the way I want to be. But if I were perfect, would I want to be with you? Would I love you, or would I be searching for Miss Perfect? In my opinion, you are not very easy, and I think a relationship between a perfect someone and a not-perfect someone cannot function. We both make mistakes, we both can learn from them and there’s no one that is below the other.
After my last 3 girlfriends I learned the most, because these relationships have been very important to me. When you see a mistake in me, I often think back and don’t understand, because with you I have improved a lot. If I had been the way I am with you in my past relationships, I don’t think we would have broken up. After S I have long thought that this has been it, that I would not find another one.. but I swore to myself not to bargain away my next chance, when I find a relationship that is as important as these 3 were. But although I have changed so much, it’s still not enough for you. Each day I compare with the other one: have I really changed something, have I changed? And yes, I have taken a huge step forwards, but it’s not huge enough for you. You don’t understand how much I am putting away – I told you several times already, I want something like a family: not kids already, not marrying already – but a life together in a home we live in together, eating out together, going out together, going on holidays together, knowing how the other one feels and helping each other out. But instead all I have to do is accepting that you want to spend less and less time together. The first few weeks have been a blessing – we went out on the weekends, we went to the beach on work days. Now? We see each other later each evening and at the weekends we often don’t see each other, too…yet it’s still not enough for you. In my last few relationships I had all of this, and although I didn’t appreciate it at the time, I do now. With you, I always know that some time in the future, for you it’s gonna be too much. Each day I hope, that maybe there’s more time to spend – it’s a fight against someone who wants to get away. Yes, I probably have helped you get so distant, I will help you so long until you can take that step of leaving me. Not because I want this, or don’t want you anymore, no, but because you can’t appreciate me in your life and see me as a mistake.
When I told you “you’re an asshole” this morning, was because I was upset with my feelings. Because I do have feelings. I told you already that I say such things in a situation, not considering all of our time. I can’t play it cool and just say “well fuck it”. Emotions which I also show when I feel good and want to dream with you. Emotions that probably shoot out of my head, because I sometimes don’t understand a reaction or I feel overwhelmed. Emotions that can be positive or negative, but if they weren’t here, I wouldn’t care about anything. But then I’d ask myself, does this person belong into my life, is there any interest?
You are someone that is very moody with your feelings – there’s not a middle thing, there’s just a good or a bad, and it’s making it very hard for me to understand and I am overwhelmed with them. I can’t put my thoughts into order, because I don’t understand most of it. I don’t understand.. because I change and change, and yet it’s still not enough.

Some things were nice to hear, I’m not gonna lie. But most of it? For me it was just more accusations about me not showing feelings, which is not true. I did turn them off in the morning, so I could discuss things with him. Because otherwise I cannot think rationally. He doesn’t understand. I texted him back after a long day at work…