emotions

Broken

I guess the final breakup has really settled in now. I have been emotionless all day. A first reminder of a beginning depression episode. And now I am crying over it. I am crying for no reason. I started crying because of a TV show, and all of a sudden I am crying about all my failures and faults in my entire life.

I knew he would not text me again. Not after my confessions. Not after telling him that our relationship lays in his hands from now on. I have finished the letter today. The one I had been writing on since I came back from holidays. Because I knew I would not be able to do so, once I realised he was gone for good. I knew I needed to write the words down before the tears came. And now they’re here. I am so sad. I don’t even know what about. There hasn’t been much more lost than 4 weeks ago. But it hurts that much more to let the breakup in my heart. Let it shatter the pieces that have been mended for a short amount of time. It hurts all over again. No matter how much I told myself I would be okay. That I probably wouldn’t even want this relationship anymore. My heart has broken again today. Realising that he’s gone. Really gone.

Another failed relationship? My obviously failure of keeping anyone close? Of not pushing them away after a few months? Of having a family? Of loving someone? Of not being important to anyone in my miserable life? I do not know what exactly hurts this much. But I can feel physical pain by now. And I have been wishing to just not be here anymore. I can’t get through another heartbreak. How many more times? I can’t do this any longer. I’m broken.

failed attempt to save anything.

That guy actually amazes me. Unfortunately in a negative way.

I think I’ve mentioned in my last post, that I had written him a message at 4am in the morning that I needed some kind of answer of him. As I said I did not get an answer although he’d been online on facebook and instagram. He did say later on, that his WhatsApp wasn’t functioning properly, which is bullshit. If the internet hadn’t worked, the message wouldn’t have gotten through straight away. But who am I to blame him for lying. There are other problems.

So last night he had the guts to finally reply, woop. What he said made me laugh and cry at the same time:

I don’t have your letter with me and as I’ve said before, I have not read it to the end yet, because I didn’t feel like I could do it. Considering all of this I don’t think a relationship would be able to bloom, if our communication is gonna be mainly by texting. More often than not tedious misunderstandings have come out of this and I fear this will be continuing… right now I don’t know what you think about this, as I don’t have your letter with me – sorry. What do you think about this?

As said, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Our communication was mainly by texting, because he didn’t have the guts to talk to me face to face. He was the one to deny coming over. He just said “okay” or talked about something else when I did mention our problems. So how can he put the blame on me now? Also there have never been any misunderstandings, rather him not reading what I actually wrote and getting angry about nothing at all. Not doing what I asked him to do, and then me getting mad at this. If he thinks those have been misunderstandings… oh well.

And who even does that? Going away on a trip, not reading a letter your exgirlfriend sent you or at least taking with you, if you don’t have the guts to read it at that moment?! I would have never done this. How can one just shut off his brain for 3 weeks? That’s just insane and proves how emotionally unavailable he is.

I replied. Of course I did.

Okay. If you don’t see any future in this… then so be it.

If I wouldn’t have had any more hope – or however you want to call this – I would have not tried to talk to you any longer after my letter. For some reason I have once more written a 3-paged-letter by now, which in this case I will not send to you.
I really don’t know anymore what to think, feel or hope for. The only thing I know is, that this situation is depressing me and hurts (and I don’t mean this to sound like an accusation). In one way not to know what is going on, on the other side not being able to do anything about it. For me it’s really hard – and that’s what I wrote in the letter – that you have completely shut off for the last 2 weeks. So far that I can’t even tell if you even have any feelings left.

But whatever. You don’t want to talk about this by text, which I do understand. So yeah… enjoy the rest of your trip.

And let’s guess once more what happened?

Yeah right. Nothing.

He has been online this far. Didn’t feel the need to say anything about this anymore. But who am I kidding? I didn’t even expect him to.
And I’m done. I’m just so done with all of this. Why should I even bother trying to save a relationship that means all the work lays on my side? If he had really loved me, he would have tried to save something. Not just accepted the fact that I ended things. But as a friend of mine said yesterday: “this just proves one more time: having a high IQ doesn’t mean you have any social ability to communicate”

I’m gonna delete his number, so not to have a chance to text him any longer. And I will tell him beforehand that I will. If he can’t end things for real, I need to shut off any way to communicate with him.

Welcome back

I wish I could say the time abroad had helped. It actually did. For the time being. I did not have any access to internet, which happened to be my safe haven. 

The first 2 days were the worst. I missed him so much. I was not able to sleep without a tear lost in the sheets. I hugged the pillows, daydreaming about being with him.

He asked me to tell him whether I had landed safely before my flight took off (so some caring is still left in there -somewhere, out of my reach). But apart from making sure we both survived the flights, there was no more contact. And it turned out to be a good thing for me.

By day 3 I had gotten used to the idea of being without him. Of this breakup I had intended. I kept everything bad about him in mind, which helped a lot. I got to a stage where it didn’t hurt to think about him anymore. Where I was just wondering whether he’s having a nice trip. But there still was a daydreaming part of being away with him. Of picking him up at the airport in 2 weeks to welcome him back. But I’m scared. And I can’t do it. I fear his reaction.

I have written a letter to him since I’ve come back home. I’m not sure if I will ever send it. But I need to point my emotions towards something. And there is still some tiny spark of hope left in me. For whatever reason. Is unknown even to me.

As I said things were good until I got home. I switched the internet back on. Even received a message from him, which I did not expect at all (although it was all neutral about his trip)… and then logged onto my facebook. 2 weekish ago I have talked to Ken again. He has a girlfriend now, so all is good. We became friends on facebook once more. I did put a status that I’d be abroad when I left. Ken commented “why did you not tell me earlier?” (he works at the airport). Alan liked his comment, rather than my status. Alan knows that Ken is my ex. And part of our story. Which just once more shows me that… I can’t even explain what. It just told me that he thinks my ex is more involved in my life than he is. There were so many comments, but he only liked this damned one. Although he should have known that I did not want to see Ken again. He knew we were not on good terms before (maybe that’s the problem, because all of a sudden we are?!)

I hate the internet right now. I really do. It makes me stalk him. It makes me mad and sad. I wish I could leave it all behind. Live in peace. I did not bother about him not texting me all week long when I was ‘offline’. But as soon as I had access to internet again, I got upset because I knew he had been online and didn’t text me. How wicked is this brain?!

I just can’t do this anymore. I wish I could just let go of that hope that is still left in me. I really don’t know why I cling onto it. He gives me no reason whatsoever. He does not tell me anything friendly, even less romantically. He has not given me an answer to my last letter. There’s nothing. And he seems happy abroad. Without me. He seems fine with this breakup. As he said, he probably has just “accepted it” and moved on. As he said he would right in the beginning of this relationship. Not the one. Next one.

I should just leave it be. Get over this mess I created myself.

the breakup.

I need to type this out before my mind gets blurred with thoughts about possible cancer (I’m having the appointment this afternoon – or rather had, once you’re reading this).

So. I was at work when I read Alan’s message. I was angry and mad, about his nonexistent love. I just couldn’t understand how one could just say nothing to your girlfriend breaking up with you. How?

I didn’t write again. I sent Mr. Cucu a 15 minute-voice record whilst I actually started crying (he hasn’t seen or heard me cry in the 9 years we’ve known each other, so you know…). I needed to get it off my chest. All the anger, the sadness. And then I felt better. He made me feel better. Made me feel human. Made me feel not like a huge mistake.

That night I sent Alan a text, saying that I had sent the package off and that I put a letter in the package as well. That I didn’t have much more to say, or rather that it didn’t make sense to say any more.
He answered pretty quickly: “Ok thanks. I don’t know what to say about this. I didn’t think my decision of not seeing you would get that bad of a consequence. But I have to accept this.”
I didn’t know whether I should have laughed about this or cried. To me it sounded like a 5yo boy, how was told not to do a certain thing, and then when you would snatch his favourite toy away, he’d say he didn’t realise what was going on. I had told him so many times that I felt depressed about all of this. And now he acts like he didn’t realise it was that bad?! And why just accept it? Why not fight for something you love?! I would have never just accepted a reaction like this. I would have wanted to know what the hell was going on, and what I could do against it.

The next day when the package arrived he sent me this:
“Thanks for the package. Sadly the tshirt didn’t smell like you anymore, because that was the first thing I did. Tell me how much money I owe you…
I haven’t read the letter until the end yet. I can’t right now. Give me some time, please.”
This showed me, that he still did love me. That emotions were there. But I am no fan of having to break up just to be able for that someone show me how he feels. I’ve done this one too many times in the last few years (Stan and Momo especially). I told him that he should just take his time and if he ever felt the need to answer any of my questions, he could.

I haven’t heard from him since. And I don’t expect to, if I’m being honest. I don’t know what to expect. We’re still friends on social media, so that’s a plus (he’s told me that he usually deletes his ex-girlfriends everywhere, he does not want to be in contact with them)…
I’m not sure if he can change what I’m asking him to. I don’t even know if I still want him to change. Do I want this relationship? I really can’t tell. Right now it’s in Alan’s hand to change our future. I’m doing good without him. It is weird to look around and find memories of him. Of us. I still have the pictures of us on my phone and hung up in my room. There definitely still is hope that things will turn out to be good. But I’m not sure if he can do it in time. Because I know, the longer he waits, the more my emotions will have faded. And he probably cannot or will not take the time to really think about it, but rather try to forget it. It’s how he rolls.

We’ll see. For now we’re broken up (although I still talk about my boyfriend, when someone asks).

being single again!

Yesterday, I talked to a friend about the whole situation of Alan and I. She knows me very well (I actually didn’t want to mention anything about this, but she knew right away when she saw me, that something was wrong). Talking to her has made me realise a few things. Plus she said I needed to write my emotions down, which obviously I have been doing on here. But sorting them in any way has been missing this far.

Just for a short recap:

  • The last time Alan and I actually talked about anything with importance (which was intended on my side, as always) was May 18th, so over a week ago. It was that time when he was angry about me ignoring his ignorance towards my depression.
  • I have told him at least 3 times what my problems are and how he could make them lessen. He has not understood once and has not done anything about it this far. He didn’t ask back to even try to understand or anything the like.
  • Also May 18th I told him that I will not ever talk about that subject (intended from my side) again. If he’d had questions, he could ask. 7 days later, not one word has been said about it. But what did I expect? Not talking about problems does make them vanish, right? [/irony off]
  • I asked him on Thursday if we wanted to meet up on Saturday, to which he said he would be grateful. When I asked him again on Friday he said he didn’t have the time.
  • Sunday I told him that it upset me to see all the couples. He said “I would have loved to join you guys, or at least to see you.” Which was cute. But without a second breath he said “I’m already upset about the exams again”. Really?
  • He asked to call me, I said yes. He didn’t, so I went to sleep. (I actually stayed up just to wait for his call. When he didn’t call for 30 minutes I went to bed).
  • The conversation has went from somewhat regular and normal, to pretty much nonexistent. It usually goes from his asking “how are you” (to which he does not react no matter what I say) to him telling me what he currently is doing. I don’t even react anymore. I don’t need a boyfriend to talk about work, the weather or whatever.

So to keep things short: we’ve talked daily but it has been a regular conversation like I would talk to a friend or even stranger. No emotions involved and I didn’t even try to keep the conversation up anymore, because he usually won’t answer if it’s not about him.

My friend asked me if I still had feelings. I can’t actually tell, right now the annoyance and disappointment stands above all. What I do know, is that I am giving him a “second” chance. But I also know that if he will not talk about ‘my’ problems from his side, I’m done with this relationship. I need someone to be here for me, no matter what is going on in his life. Even less if it’s just exams. I wouldn’t even dare to put my exams above anything personal of my friends. And as I am pretty sure he will not ever start the conversation about this subject, this relationship is pretty much done for me.

My friend made me realise what I need. I did know before, but sometimes you need to speak it out loud to really let it sink in. I need someone that understands my health and mental issues – or at least tries to. Someone I know I can rely on, no matter what is going on apart from me. And Alan can not give me that. His life has always been priority in everyone’s life. He’s a single kid. He’s never had mental or health issues. His parents got divorced a year ago. And excuse my language, but if you cannot handle a separation of your parents at the age of 25, I’m not sure you can handle life (I’m not saying it is easy, but at least a lot less frightening than when your parents get divorced when you’re still a kid or teenager). This has been the only bad thing in his life, so you can imagine how much of a spoilt kid he is. Yes, everything has been going smooth in his life for now, and that’s good for him. But he will not be able to deal with my life, that is all kinds of up and downs.

I also told my friend about my “possible” cancer, and she showed me once more that without even being able to actually help, you can still help in some ways. You can talk about it. You can ask how I feel. You can make me feel better. Alan cannot do this.

I don’t even want to see Alan anymore, and I know this is setting a high wall for him. If he even wants to talk about the problem, would he do it in person? I do not think so, because he never has. He doesn’t ask. So in just 1.5 weeks time he’s flying to America for 3 weeks. If things are not solved until the end of it, I’m done with this relationship. I probably will go over to Mr. Cucu’s place and put the things Alan still has at my place in his mailbox on the way.

So when I’m being completely honest with myself. I am probably already wrapping my head about being single very soon again. And the thoughts of being a failure have popped up. But my friend also made me realise that it doesn’t matter. At least I know once more what I do need in a relationship and what to look for. Because if I am in a relationship like the one I am currently in, I can just as well be single. Because I get the same amount of support.

My friend also asked me if I just haven’t broken up with him yet, because it’s a hard step to take. But it actually is not. There still is a tiny spark of hope, that he will understand. That things will turn. I remember how I felt in the beginning, and that’s the only thing that is currently holding me back from breaking up with him right now. I’m hanging onto a tiny thread of hope. And I know that it can make me fall far far down. So I’m slowly getting used to the thought of a life without him (which I currently have, if we’re being honest). I have also been thinking about putting a break between us. Does it help him see the problems? Maybe it was just the wrong time to meet. Maybe it’s not meant to be. Who really knows?

Welcome to the single life without actually being single.

fight

We had our first big fight this weekend. Honestly, I don’t really know why it happened, but I knew it was coming for the last couple of weeks – as of how I was feeling about some things.

I did actually tell him last Friday about how I felt about his behaviour or rather lack thereof. I didn’t really get the answer I wanted to hear. He just said that he would let me know whenever he didn’t want to see me. But this is no reason to not ask to see me during the week, right? Anyway, I let it slip.. because really, what is the reason to keep arguing about it?

He was very loving when I came to his place though, so that was new (apart from that he won’t ever come to pick me up anymore, but waits in his room – but this as well was obvious to happen at some point). Then on Saturday he asked me what I wanted to do. In the morning he mentioned about going to a mountain, but as his father was away with the car I guessed this was off the cards. So I asked what he intended to do and that he obviously didn’t want to go to the mountains with my car, to which he said “why not?”. We were standing in the hallway when he asked again and I said that I had offered him to go to the mountains, but he was all weird about it saying “well then let’s go to the city” and off he went, without waiting for me as he usually does. He was sighing as well, which – let’s be honest here – is the biggest sign of being pissed, right? This really threw me off board and I wasn’t in the mood to talk no more. He asked me what was wrong and I said “nothing”, but didn’t look at him again. He stopped me in the middle of the street, asking again. I said “nothing, let’s just go”. But he stood there and said I should tell him what my problem was. I said “you’re pissed, that’s all” – in a tiny voice. He said he didn’t understand (acoustically) and I wasn’t in the mood to say it again, so I just went on. He held me up again, asking what my fucking problem was – getting really pissed, which upset me even more and I was on the edge of tears already anyway. I didn’t talk and just hugged him, but he didn’t really bother at all.

He stood on the pathway, looking at me and waiting for an answer, I didn’t give him one. We stood there for probably 10 minutes until he lost his shit and was like “what the fuck”. I already way crying, so I just went off to my car and locked myself in. This was a huge déjà-vu to Stan, which I hated. I knew I wanted him to come after me, but I also knew how fucking stupid this was. I bawled my eyes out in the car, reviving all the shit I was going through with Stan. All the hurt got right back at me. At some point I noticed how a car was driving next to mine, and heard that it was his father talking to him. I didn’t bother to look up.

After a few minutes, when I opened the window for some fresh air, he stood next to my car, asking what the fuck my problem was. I wasn’t able to talk, and neither did I wanted to. I just said that I thought he was really pissed, and I didn’t want him to be. He was very very very cold towards me, which upset me even more (once more, just like Stan). I got out of the car, trying to talk to him… but as I said him being that cold just upset me even more. At some point I was just like “do you want me to grab my stuff and just go?!” to which he said it was my choice. Y’all know what I wanted to hear. It was not that.

He was so furious, so at some point I was just like “I’m gonna get my things” and walked back towards his house, as he had the keys I had to wait on him. He didn’t open the door and asked me about a billion times what my fucking problem was. I told him that my head was the fucking problem, I had told him so many times before that it’s hard for me to just not read into his mimics and whatever and that he really had given me the feeling of being bored or annoyed with me. He didn’t seem to care at all. He asked me what I was intending to do about it (my head), and inside of me I lost my shit. I seriously did. What the hell man?! I asked him what he expected me to do? He didn’t say anything. After a while I said “well it would be a start for you to hug me when I’m crying” (instead of standing a foot away from me, crossed arms and just so so cold) to which he said, that I didn’t really show any affection towards him. He didn’t do anything. He didn’t hug me. So after a while I walked towards him and hugged him, he didn’t hug me back so I was like “okay then”. My world shattered.

I don’t really know how we solved that problem. At some point he just said “next time just tell me what the problem is and not throw such a tantrum, okay?”. I totally do understand his point of view, I did behave like a 3yo kid. But him being so cold and distant was breaking my heart, and I knew that fighting with him would never be easy. It was actually worse than with Stan. At least Stan would “defrost” at some point and hold me in his arms. Alan was so distant and thinking about it still makes me tear up. I had to make all those first steps, which I hate. It was the worst experience ever. I didn’t know what to do, because deep inside me I knew I didn’t want to give it up. I knew it was all in my head. But I had hoped he would be a little more understanding. I know he has no patience whatsoever, but I didn’t expect it to be that bad.

I really don’t know what to think. We had a lovely weekend afterwards, and all was good again. And I know that he’s not thought about the situation again, but it has stayed with me for the whole time and it’s making me so scared of the future. I know I need to learn and trust him. I need to believe what he says and not read so much into his non-existant actions. But it’s hard. And I had thought once I told him about my issues, he would be more understanding. It doesn’t seem that way. At these times he seems so selfish, and I really don’t know if it’s my head telling me – because I’m such a sucker at relationships – or it really is that way. Because he can be so loving and forthcoming as well. But then again, he’s not that big on showing emotions at all. He does tell me he loves me, but that’s about all I get. Is this really love from his side? I’m not entirely sure anymore, if I’m being completely honest. And I guess that’s why my insecurities have bubbled up so much these last few days. It makes me scared, that he’ll just dump me at some point.

But still, I don’t want to just give up, like I always did with anyone else. The problem won’t go away, because it’s me. It’s my head, that’s messed up. But this has given my heart a huge scar all over again, and I’m not sure how long it’ll take to heal up.

voice in my head…

My brain is really stupid. And I know it.

Things with Alan are going great, they really are. He is such an awesome, handsome and very loving man I do not deserve in any way. He makes me feel like I’ve never felt before and he shows me how a relationship should be.  It’s weird to not feel bad about certain things or even feelings. And only now I understand how much Stan has actually destroyed in me. When I feel like saying sorry for things Stan expected me to and Alan just tells me to stop saying sorry all the time. He’s very caring, he makes me feel so good. He makes me feel loved – of all the things. Remembering how I even felt ugly and stupid whilst having sex with Stan, Alan makes me feel quite the opposite. He tells me how much he loves my body and me. He cuddles me. He kisses me. He holds my hand. He tells me how cute I am whenever I least expect it. It’s such a wonderful feeling.

And for the first time forever, I can actually see myself grow old with someone. I can see him in my life in a few years. Because he’s slowly becoming my best friend. We’re laughing so much, doing things I’d do with my friends. And I can’t wait to experience things with him. I want to go on holidays with him. I want to go to concerts with him, I just want to make so many memories. It’s all about spending quality time with him – and I love every second of it. (By the way, he also told me that he felt very bad for when I was awake that early and he slept in last weekend. Didn’t happen again the last few days I was at his place! 🙂 So all good.)

I met his best friend and his girlfriend last weekend. I was very unsure about how they thought of me, as I had been very quiet. I did talk whenever I had to say something, but it was way less than I usually would. Alan told me later on that his best friend said “you made the right choice!” whatever that choice was about.

But even with all these wonderful things going on, there’s still that little voice inside me that makes me feel very self-concious. Like when I realise he doesn’t want to take a shower with me – remembering how all my exes loved to do that. I offered him on Tuesday to get into the shower, he said no (which probably was simply because he was too tired to get up). We went to take a shower this weekend separately. Then, seeing him dress up for that party, which he never did for me. You know? The little things.

And I know they’re not meant to hurt me, or he’s willingly trying to do these things. I mean I told him so many times that I was sorry for this and that and he always said that he loves me and I shouldn’t put so much thought into things like these. But I just can’t. I’m trying not not talk to him about these insecurities, but usually I blurt them out at some point. And he has told me before that he wants me to speak openly about them. But then I’m so afraid – one day he’ll get bored with them. Up until now he always reassured me that my thoughts were unreasonable, but I really don’t know. So I keep thinking about things like “why did he have to make a choice? Was there another girl?”, when really there probably is such a simple answer.
But that little voice inside me tells me to see these things and think about them. It’s making me crazy, especially because I know how much he likes me, and he does make me feel loved. It’s like I always thought I was so bad in bed, but he tells me differently each time. It’s so hard to believe, but he’s slowly slipping into my heart and making me believe these things. But there are still a lot of other things I need to get over, and I know they’re just in my head and I need to not read too much into these kinda things. Like when he’s quiet and I immediately think I’ve done something wrong or when we don’t talk for a minute on the phone and I think he’ll leave me because I’m boring (like I said, the things Stan has done to me… they’re unbearable and it makes me so much more angry at him). Or when he doesn’t say things back. Like, I told him today how much I miss him and he just sent an emoji back. Why do I think he doesn’t feel the same way, just because he doesn’t say it? It doesn’t mean anything. I mean, I didn’t say ‘I love you’ back so many times, and he didn’t get all upset. So what is wrong with me? It’s just, sometimes I put so much into a message, telling him all my feelings. And I don’t get much back. But then again, he told me before he’s not very good with words. And whenever I am with him, I feel like my heart could explode with love.

It’s difficult, but I’m trying very hard to ignore these voices and just enjoy the feelings that he actually gives me. The love I do feel most of the time. It actually feels so right with him, I cannot put it into words – and I’ve never felt that way before. Even my home didn’t feel like home, when I came back the other day after 4 days at his place. You know, when you get into an apartment and it just smells like someone else? It didn’t smell like home. I’ve never experienced this before.

Oh the love. And I have never feared to lose someone as much as I do with him. I always was like “well, life will go on if he breaks up with me”. It would actually break my heart if he did, and I wouldn’t know what to do. I cannot imagine him to not be in my life. Like ever.

Is this what love feels like? I guess it is.