Yesterday, I talked to a friend about the whole situation of Alan and I. She knows me very well (I actually didn’t want to mention anything about this, but she knew right away when she saw me, that something was wrong). Talking to her has made me realise a few things. Plus she said I needed to write my emotions down, which obviously I have been doing on here. But sorting them in any way has been missing this far.
Just for a short recap:
- The last time Alan and I actually talked about anything with importance (which was intended on my side, as always) was May 18th, so over a week ago. It was that time when he was angry about me ignoring his ignorance towards my depression.
- I have told him at least 3 times what my problems are and how he could make them lessen. He has not understood once and has not done anything about it this far. He didn’t ask back to even try to understand or anything the like.
- Also May 18th I told him that I will not ever talk about that subject (intended from my side) again. If he’d had questions, he could ask. 7 days later, not one word has been said about it. But what did I expect? Not talking about problems does make them vanish, right? [/irony off]
- I asked him on Thursday if we wanted to meet up on Saturday, to which he said he would be grateful. When I asked him again on Friday he said he didn’t have the time.
- Sunday I told him that it upset me to see all the couples. He said “I would have loved to join you guys, or at least to see you.” Which was cute. But without a second breath he said “I’m already upset about the exams again”. Really?
- He asked to call me, I said yes. He didn’t, so I went to sleep. (I actually stayed up just to wait for his call. When he didn’t call for 30 minutes I went to bed).
- The conversation has went from somewhat regular and normal, to pretty much nonexistent. It usually goes from his asking “how are you” (to which he does not react no matter what I say) to him telling me what he currently is doing. I don’t even react anymore. I don’t need a boyfriend to talk about work, the weather or whatever.
So to keep things short: we’ve talked daily but it has been a regular conversation like I would talk to a friend or even stranger. No emotions involved and I didn’t even try to keep the conversation up anymore, because he usually won’t answer if it’s not about him.
My friend asked me if I still had feelings. I can’t actually tell, right now the annoyance and disappointment stands above all. What I do know, is that I am giving him a “second” chance. But I also know that if he will not talk about ‘my’ problems from his side, I’m done with this relationship. I need someone to be here for me, no matter what is going on in his life. Even less if it’s just exams. I wouldn’t even dare to put my exams above anything personal of my friends. And as I am pretty sure he will not ever start the conversation about this subject, this relationship is pretty much done for me.
My friend made me realise what I need. I did know before, but sometimes you need to speak it out loud to really let it sink in. I need someone that understands my health and mental issues – or at least tries to. Someone I know I can rely on, no matter what is going on apart from me. And Alan can not give me that. His life has always been priority in everyone’s life. He’s a single kid. He’s never had mental or health issues. His parents got divorced a year ago. And excuse my language, but if you cannot handle a separation of your parents at the age of 25, I’m not sure you can handle life (I’m not saying it is easy, but at least a lot less frightening than when your parents get divorced when you’re still a kid or teenager). This has been the only bad thing in his life, so you can imagine how much of a spoilt kid he is. Yes, everything has been going smooth in his life for now, and that’s good for him. But he will not be able to deal with my life, that is all kinds of up and downs.
I also told my friend about my “possible” cancer, and she showed me once more that without even being able to actually help, you can still help in some ways. You can talk about it. You can ask how I feel. You can make me feel better. Alan cannot do this.
I don’t even want to see Alan anymore, and I know this is setting a high wall for him. If he even wants to talk about the problem, would he do it in person? I do not think so, because he never has. He doesn’t ask. So in just 1.5 weeks time he’s flying to America for 3 weeks. If things are not solved until the end of it, I’m done with this relationship. I probably will go over to Mr. Cucu’s place and put the things Alan still has at my place in his mailbox on the way.
So when I’m being completely honest with myself. I am probably already wrapping my head about being single very soon again. And the thoughts of being a failure have popped up. But my friend also made me realise that it doesn’t matter. At least I know once more what I do need in a relationship and what to look for. Because if I am in a relationship like the one I am currently in, I can just as well be single. Because I get the same amount of support.
My friend also asked me if I just haven’t broken up with him yet, because it’s a hard step to take. But it actually is not. There still is a tiny spark of hope, that he will understand. That things will turn. I remember how I felt in the beginning, and that’s the only thing that is currently holding me back from breaking up with him right now. I’m hanging onto a tiny thread of hope. And I know that it can make me fall far far down. So I’m slowly getting used to the thought of a life without him (which I currently have, if we’re being honest). I have also been thinking about putting a break between us. Does it help him see the problems? Maybe it was just the wrong time to meet. Maybe it’s not meant to be. Who really knows?
Welcome to the single life without actually being single.