failed attempt to save anything.

That guy actually amazes me. Unfortunately in a negative way.

I think I’ve mentioned in my last post, that I had written him a message at 4am in the morning that I needed some kind of answer of him. As I said I did not get an answer although he’d been online on facebook and instagram. He did say later on, that his WhatsApp wasn’t functioning properly, which is bullshit. If the internet hadn’t worked, the message wouldn’t have gotten through straight away. But who am I to blame him for lying. There are other problems.

So last night he had the guts to finally reply, woop. What he said made me laugh and cry at the same time:

I don’t have your letter with me and as I’ve said before, I have not read it to the end yet, because I didn’t feel like I could do it. Considering all of this I don’t think a relationship would be able to bloom, if our communication is gonna be mainly by texting. More often than not tedious misunderstandings have come out of this and I fear this will be continuing… right now I don’t know what you think about this, as I don’t have your letter with me – sorry. What do you think about this?

As said, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Our communication was mainly by texting, because he didn’t have the guts to talk to me face to face. He was the one to deny coming over. He just said “okay” or talked about something else when I did mention our problems. So how can he put the blame on me now? Also there have never been any misunderstandings, rather him not reading what I actually wrote and getting angry about nothing at all. Not doing what I asked him to do, and then me getting mad at this. If he thinks those have been misunderstandings… oh well.

And who even does that? Going away on a trip, not reading a letter your exgirlfriend sent you or at least taking with you, if you don’t have the guts to read it at that moment?! I would have never done this. How can one just shut off his brain for 3 weeks? That’s just insane and proves how emotionally unavailable he is.

I replied. Of course I did.

Okay. If you don’t see any future in this… then so be it.

If I wouldn’t have had any more hope – or however you want to call this – I would have not tried to talk to you any longer after my letter. For some reason I have once more written a 3-paged-letter by now, which in this case I will not send to you.
I really don’t know anymore what to think, feel or hope for. The only thing I know is, that this situation is depressing me and hurts (and I don’t mean this to sound like an accusation). In one way not to know what is going on, on the other side not being able to do anything about it. For me it’s really hard – and that’s what I wrote in the letter – that you have completely shut off for the last 2 weeks. So far that I can’t even tell if you even have any feelings left.

But whatever. You don’t want to talk about this by text, which I do understand. So yeah… enjoy the rest of your trip.

And let’s guess once more what happened?

Yeah right. Nothing.

He has been online this far. Didn’t feel the need to say anything about this anymore. But who am I kidding? I didn’t even expect him to.
And I’m done. I’m just so done with all of this. Why should I even bother trying to save a relationship that means all the work lays on my side? If he had really loved me, he would have tried to save something. Not just accepted the fact that I ended things. But as a friend of mine said yesterday: “this just proves one more time: having a high IQ doesn’t mean you have any social ability to communicate”

I’m gonna delete his number, so not to have a chance to text him any longer. And I will tell him beforehand that I will. If he can’t end things for real, I need to shut off any way to communicate with him.


the talk

It’s funny how much you can build up your emotions and once you talk about them, it’s all good again. As I mentioned in my last post I have been thinking about several little problems in Alan’s and my relationship. I started to freak out, because I didn’t want to throw the relationship away. All day long on Monday I started to write a text, to explain to Alan what was going through my head. I knew it wasn’t the best of choices to text him – instead of talking to him face to face – but I also knew it was the only one I could bare at the moment. I was so afraid that he would freak out again like in our first and last argument. And so I knew I had to tell him those things. But I pushed it aside all day long and in the evening I really didn’t want to text him. What was the big deal about it? But I knew I had to, to not make things worse.

I sent him the text Monday night about how I was scared to ever argue with him and therefore was hiding my (negative) feelings, because of what had happened before. I explained to him, how I was annoyed about his time management and sleep pattern. Long story short, his reply:

I thought we had talked about that situation (argument) and were done with it. In that moment I didn’t realise why you were acting the way you did and you didn’t reply to my questions. Of course I know it was wrong not to hug you, and I’m sorry. But back then I was so confused, that I didn’t know how to react. I hope you can forgive me?
And I am planning my homework now, and do get up earlier…  so things are slowly changing. But I’ve never been the one to get up at 8am on a weekend, give me some more time for that.


So really, that was it. A huge weight was lifted from me and we were done with arguing. And I felt so much better – or so I thought.

As I mentioned before we had planned to see each other on Tuesday night. He had told me he would be over at 5pm. When he texted me on Tuesday afternoon, he told me that he had to go back home first. It was 2pm, so I knew he could still make it in time. He didn’t reply again,… when finally at 4pm he told me he would be over at 7pm. Honestly? I was so annoyed. Again. What the fuck was he doing for 2 hours, not even bothering to let me know that the time would change.
But then thought I need to calm the fuck down. He texted me again at 5pm that he’s just changing trains and I asked him where he was exactly. No more reply for an hour and I was so annoyed. I sent him another text – letting him feel how annoyed I was. To which he then suddenly replied. He had met a guy he knew on the train and wasn’t on his phone. I was annoyed because I had planned on picking him up on the train station. Of course, once more this was a miscommunication, as I hadn’t told him so.

All was good in the end though. I didn’t feel strange anymore. Kissing him didn’t feel wrong. It was all back to normal. And I am so glad about this.