Kenny never learns his lesson…

Kenny is like a tornado. When he decides to come into my life, he rushes in with full force. There’s not in between.

I mentioned in my last post how we decided to meet up in a little over a week – so to say: our yearly date. And I was already concerned about how things would turn out to be.

Well, here’s a new story:
We have been texting back and forth again for a few days. It’s us. We always have these moments when we’re in constant contact and then we can be radio silent for a year or so.
Kenny has a girlfriend. I’m not sure how long they’ve been together, I just saw a picture on instagram when they were on holidays last summer. And he told me so on New Year’s Eve. It doesn’t matter anyway, it doesn’t justify any of his actions.

Last night he was out, drunk. Although he said he wasn’t, after 16 years I know when he’s drunk and when he’s sober. When he does get drunk, he always gets somewhat clingy. So at 11pm he texted me (via snapchat of course), that I should come over. I asked what he was expecting me to do then, and he said “we’ll take it from there”. I didn’t react to it, although honestly I was actually thinking about going. I really wanted to see him. I’ve been feeling lonely lately, and I really miss the reassurance from P. But my brain knew better. Fortunately.

Well, long story short: I told him I wouldn’t go over and he asked why. I told him that we both know very well what would happen and I just got a happy emoji back from him. I told him it’s not gonna happen, due to him being with his girlfriend.
His response? “She’s not around!” – well dude, I’m glad you’re not cheating on your girlfriend when she’s standing right next to you,.. but seriously? Do you not have any remorse?!
So I told him that by now I know he’s not feeling any remorse, but that I would feel so and he asked me why. I couldn’t explain, just that I thought it was wrong. He then said the same thing he did almost 2 years ago: “well.. live now, not in the future!”
It seems to be his motto when he does stupid stuff. What really caught me off guard however was him all of a sudden telling me that he’s into me. We’ve never been big on discussing our feelings, but after 16 years I knew he was loving me in some way. But we also both know that we probably will never end up together, since in all these years the timing was never right. But let’s be honest. I’ve been single for over 7 months and hearing that someone is into me, of course is nice to hear. Especially with everything going on with P.

It doesn’t justify his cheating on his girlfriend. And this is the one reason I will never pursue a relationship with him. I don’t know if he’s like that to any other girls. I honestly don’t believe so. It’s just s thing about us. We can’t seem to let go of each other, no matter the circumstances. But… once a cheater, always a cheater. He’s never going to learn his lesson. I had actually believed now that he’s seemingly happy with his girlfriend, he wouldn’t do something so stupid.. but he also knows I’d not tell her or anyone and he’s clever enough not to let him get caught.

I don’t know. It’s just fucked up.

Oh by the way, I didn’t go to see him, although I was very close to getting in my car. Fortunately I fell asleep when he didn’t reply for like 5 minutes.


that day you see your ex again.

You know that feeling when you feel like you’ve finally moved on? You started to feel more secure and/or happy.

And then -BAM – there’s that one incident, that sets you all the way back?!
Well, welcome to my life. After over a year of not seeing Stan, not talking to him – hell not even replying to his kind of cute e-mail

He has been on my mind a lot lately. For the main reason that it has been pretty much a year since he left me. I was at school today. Same old. Nothing special. Told my schoolmates that I had to rush to the trainstation to catch my train. I never rush. Or leave by myself. Well, a friend came with me, but you know. We walked there (which we also usually take the bus) and I bumped into Stan. My thoughts are kinda blurry, my first thought probably was “oh. my. god.” Well, no actually, I didn’t even realise until he looked me in the eyes. My second one – I’m not even joking – was, that I was laughing and at least seemed happier than I am happy. And thirdly, my heart dropped to my feet.

I’m not sure what to think of any of this, but it has stirred something in me and I know for a fact that it will bother me again for a few weeks. Why now? I somewhat do not think I am over him yet. I still do compare most of my possible dates to his behaviour (well mainly just what I do not want to have again- so not in a positiv way).
Of course I told my friend once he was out of earshot. The first thing she said was “that tall one? He is not that bad looking though!” Well yeah girl, never said so! Still doesn’t make his personality any bloomier!

I’m not sure why it bothers me that much. I’m not in a position when I would ever get back with him, so why did it hurt me so much to see him? Why has everything bubbled up now, and I can’t stop thinking about the time I had with him? It makes me kind of angry.

I had just hoped, I would never see his face again.

men can be a**holes. | cheaters.

I really have to have a rant right now.

I did create profiles again on badoo and the other dating platform I used to be on (like.. since 2006). I don’t search for a relationship. Or an affair. Or an one night stand. Like, no, I just want to talk to people, get to know some guys.. maybe date one or two. But I don’t get any hopes up what so ever to find a man to fall in love with. I want to flirt a little and just be appreciated and complimented on. Yes, my self-worth has been that low.

Now, I know that badoo is not a platform to expect any standard from. So I didn’t really get too mad about a guy asking me to have sex with him, stating that he was in a long-term relationship. I mean, at least he is being honest, let’s credit that. I did explain to him that I have just gotten out of a relationship, in which my boyfriend had had a girlfriend beside me. He did state that he totally understands that I do not want to support him then. Really? Bright head, huh?
What really got me mad today though, is a guy I have known for quite a while now. I rejoined the dating platform TM (it’s a local one) and we got to talk again. I have been talking to him way before, so I do “know” him for a few years now. I did quickly click through his profile and saw that his relationship status was “taken”. Didn’t put too much thought into that. Today we got very flirty, and I do like this guy… at some point he sent me his number with the following text “just don’t tell my girlfriend”… like, seriously? You want me to chat with you and ‘just don’t tell your girlfriend’. Of course I won’t, I just really don’t understand why one would do that. Why does one talk and flirt to other girls/boys when he does love his boy-/girlfriend? Why? Can one really be happy in a relationship, if he feels the need to talk like that to other people? I have been with Momo for almost a year until I got that need to flirt with guys again, and that’s when I wasn’t happy with how things were with him. Because I felt worthless, and just needed someone to pep me up. But these guys tell me that they’re happy. Really?

Just fuck off. Don’t expect me to trust anyone if I keep bumping into men like these. It just makes me freakin mad.