giving up

Goodbye Alan!

Now I’m even dreaming about him…

When that sadness hit me yesterday, I talked to a friend about it. I asked her whether I should send him a message, wishing him a good flight and a save journey today. She said that I should, if I felt the need to. But that I should not put any pressure on it or blame.

All day long that sadness didn’t vanish. Then I woke up from a dream of his. This is ridiculous, but even in my dreams he didn’t care. We were on a building about to go on a trip and I asked if he had read the letter. He said yes. I asked if he had anything to say about it and he said: “Wouldn’t know what!” I was devastated that even after all the emotions and effort I had put into it, he still would not show me anything. Although deep down I knew that some sort of love was there… nothing.

Maybe my subconciousness is telling me to give it up. To not hope for an answer that I am not going to get. Who even wastes a trip to think about his ex? Nobody. So I need to figure things out for myself and not wait for an answer I will not get. Let go of this hope. Let go of the sadness, the anger, the emotions toward him.

I need to understand that he does not love me that much, to give a care about how I feel. No matter how much this truth hurts me. I need to let it go. I need to open my eyes and see the world for its fact and not my hope and imagination of it.

I am alone again.

PS: I did text him a goodbye, wishing him a good flight and save trip. To enjoy the US and get back safely. Saying that Sunday I had so much more to tell him, but that I don’t think it would be a good idea anymore. An hour or so later I told him that I was missing him and hoped he wpuld have a good time. He answered later on and wished me a nice flight as well (and told me that his flight got cancelled). Nothing about the missing part at all. No emotions. I guess it’s high time I moved on now. He doesn’t seem to want to be romantically involved with me any longer. So I am trying to move on whilst I myself am abroad for the week.

Goodbye Alan.

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quick update on boysfront

So it has been a while. Here’s a quick update:

I have completely given up on Kenny. Yes, I am still sad. Not exactly about the loss of a serial cheater, but just the friendship over all. There has been some kind of spark. I’m not sure what happened when he started ignoring me. Maybe his girlfriend found out, maybe he was just sick of me. Who knows? I haven’t heard a word from him for 2 weeks. Have since deleted his number and unfriended him on facebook, after sending him a lovely message about how I was so disappointed that he never has been honest and that I wish him just the best for the future. No reply. And it’s okay. I’m not okay about it yet, but it is okay.

Greek is a whole other story. Somehow we ended up ignoring each other over the weekend. I’m not sure what happened – or if anything happened at all and it’s just in my head. But I was okay, as I needed some time away from boys. We have gone back to casual talk every now and then, but not like it was before. I’m not sure what he wants, but I’m okay with the distance that has grown between us.

So there’s no boys whatsoever on my front. Is it boring? Yes. Do I want any freakin change? No. Do I miss having someone to cuddle? Hell, yes. I really miss having someone like Momo. Having a good friend I just can be me. Once that takes me as I am and is there to be talked to about my daily boring life. But I have given up on finding one. At least for now. And no, I am not okay with it, but I’ll get there somewhen.

Forgetting about Kenny.

I think I have finally reached that point to let go of Kenny. I am starting to be really mad at him and I have told myself – and a few friends – if he will ever text me again (he still hasn’t, so it’s 2 full days now on work days, which probably is the longest yet. Why, I do not know.), I will tell him to fuck off, because I am worth a lot more than he is treating me like. And I really believe it this time. I am worth than wasting time on such a man. Yes, I am sad and disappointed about losing such a long friend, but I’m done being the loser of this game.

And yes, Greek has definitely made a huge difference in this story. I will post a whole update and/or introduction of him later on this week. Let’s just say we get along pretty well and I have been rethinking if maybe I might meet up with him anyway. And that’s why he’s gotten a name on here now. Thank you for letting me NOT think of Kenny.

giving up…

You know what really is messing with my mind? I have just now gotten the message of boyfriend number two who’s going to be a father soon. That’s 2 boyfriends in half a year to become fathers.
I’m gonna be honest, its not the fact that THEY get the children not with ME,… no, I’m just jealous that they have found their perfect little family and I let them go – back then…, they found the other half if you will so, and I’m still here at the same damn place, no “perfect” – or rather – suiting man in sight. And yes I am slowly but surely losing hope to ever find a suiting man to have a family with. No, I actually already lost the faith in that power above to ever cross paths with that one guy.

I did meet a guy in the last couple of days, who is very loving and seems interesting and has a good heart and we have been talking a lot, exchangig emails and stuff, but there are some major setbacks to that perfectioness: he’s smoking (pot), and he doesn’t really want children. Two things I have huge problems with. If we’ll keep it up some time, I’ll give him a name.

Then Kenny. The ever replaying scene from that horrible movie of my life. I just need to put that sentence into my head he’s been telling me ever since our first big fight. I am just a distraction for him. He’s said it again yesterday. I told him that I don’t like sharing. His reply? “I don’t like sharing either. But I like trying out.” I just said that I’m no sample to try out. He didn’t reply anymore, and I am surely starting to realise that he’s not at all that man I was telling myself he was. I am just a distraction, nothing more. Maybe he likes me, maybe he really does, but there’s nothing more to it than for him to find out if I’m good in bed, but there’s not gonna be more to it. Ever. Platonic love, if there’s even that much to it. And I need to let go of that hope. I need to believe what people have been telling me all along. I even told myself a few posts back, so why can I not simply wrap my head around the truth?! It’s even starting to annoy myself that I keep that hope up. I need to let go of the hope that he’s that childhood-fairytale-boyfriend, he’ll never be.

So maybe I am just not meant to be a girlfriend/wife/mother. Whatever.
I’m giving up.