When that sadness hit me yesterday, I talked to a friend about it. I asked her whether I should send him a message, wishing him a good flight and a save journey today. She said that I should, if I felt the need to. But that I should not put any pressure on it or blame.
All day long that sadness didn’t vanish. Then I woke up from a dream of his. This is ridiculous, but even in my dreams he didn’t care. We were on a building about to go on a trip and I asked if he had read the letter. He said yes. I asked if he had anything to say about it and he said: “Wouldn’t know what!” I was devastated that even after all the emotions and effort I had put into it, he still would not show me anything. Although deep down I knew that some sort of love was there… nothing.
Maybe my subconciousness is telling me to give it up. To not hope for an answer that I am not going to get. Who even wastes a trip to think about his ex? Nobody. So I need to figure things out for myself and not wait for an answer I will not get. Let go of this hope. Let go of the sadness, the anger, the emotions toward him.
I need to understand that he does not love me that much, to give a care about how I feel. No matter how much this truth hurts me. I need to let it go. I need to open my eyes and see the world for its fact and not my hope and imagination of it.
I am alone again.
PS: I did text him a goodbye, wishing him a good flight and save trip. To enjoy the US and get back safely. Saying that Sunday I had so much more to tell him, but that I don’t think it would be a good idea anymore. An hour or so later I told him that I was missing him and hoped he wpuld have a good time. He answered later on and wished me a nice flight as well (and told me that his flight got cancelled). Nothing about the missing part at all. No emotions. I guess it’s high time I moved on now. He doesn’t seem to want to be romantically involved with me any longer. So I am trying to move on whilst I myself am abroad for the week.
I realised today that I’m having a real issue with not having a man in my life that keeps my self-confidence going and I freakin hate this. I don’t want to. I can be happy without a man, yet it makes it so much easier to be told how people see me. Or to realise that someone misses you. You get me, right?
So… I made a terrible mistake today, because feeling lonely and things with Micah going terribly wrong and stuff. Apart from texting Micah I texted someone else.
I want to talk to you about why I did so:
Last night I was dreaming. I haven’t dreamt of a guy in quite a while. Of all the men I could have possibly dreamt of, it was Kenny. What the actual fuck? I just told you 2 days ago, how I haven’t been thinking about him anymore… that’s hilarious. Not.
I dreamt that we were in a flat together, his girlfriend was there with him. We started talking, like 2 friends talk on a party. We were happy to have bumped into each other, as we hadn’t seen each other since the “fight”.
After a while his girlfriend came to say goodbye (she only went to another room – dreams are weird) and we were left alone in a room. Kenny had that look again when we were left alone. He locked the door and started pushing me against the wall kissing me. I’m not going into any more details, but I woke up when he had just entered me. I woke up being confused and very horny. I actually wanted to fall back asleep and see how the sex was. It was pretty damn real and I freakin liked it way more than I should have.
All day I hoped I would forget about the dream again, as I so often do. I didn’t. I kept on thinking about Kenny. I was frustrated with Micah.
I texted Kenny.
I know I told you guys I deleted his number. And I really have! But I can’t do such things without a backup plan, because I knew – maybe some day I needed that number again. I had saved his number somewhere in the back of my phone and retreated it. I texted him and we went back to talking pretty much as if there hadn’t been a 2 months gap. I freakin missed that guy. I am not emotionally involved again, I needed that break to not fall further in love with him. So that’s a good thing at least.
So that has been my day. One huge freakin mess. But ya know. What the heck. At least I’m feeling more emotionally stable.