getting over P

Today was the first time since I returned from holidays (5 weeks) that I felt like crying about P. I didn’t, but I was close to having a meltdown.

It’s mostly because I listened to a song from Mark Forster. It’s German, so there’s no point in putting it here, since most of you won’t understand. But it’s about how you keep thinking about someone, although you really want to forget about them (click here if you want to listen to the song either way).

The lyrics just spoke my mind. Although I keep pushing P away so hard. So hard. I just can’t shake him off. And that’s what the song is about.
I’m just glad that I won’t see my school friends anymore now (at least till March), since they’re the only ones that know about the situation and now no one keeps asking me about him all the time. But it doesn’t matter, really. If I’m being honest to myself, I can’t shake him off. I wish I could. And no matter how much I lie to myself that I forgot about him…

Well. I didn’t.

As if it wouldn’t have been enough to be reminded by a song, I dreamt about him last night. Once more I had a dream about being pregnant and he was the father. Somewhen we’ve had sex and were not talking to each other, so it was pretty much the current situation. I didn’t tell anyone, but then started having contractions after work (was still at the hospital). In the dream I texted him, letting him know his kids were going to be born soon, to let him know he could be with me along the birth. He didn’t believe me that I was pregnant since I’d told him before I was not pregnant (once more, reality). I then just said that it was his loss and I was going to care for them by myself then and he can get lost.
Long story short, I woke up, holding my stomach real tight. I have dreamt about being pregnant before, but I never was as anxious when I woke up. About losing my babies. About not actually being pregnant, when it felt so right whilst asleep. Some part of my brain probably had hoped, this way I could get him back into my life… Stupid.

When I first woke up, I did muse whether to let him know I had dreamt about him. But then I realised there was no point. If he didn’t want to talk to me the last 2 weeks, he won’t want to talk to me the next few months either. I could text him. He would reply. We’d have a conversation, all well.
But where’s the point?! Torturing myself by keeping up a contact that is only wanted by me? Not gonna happen.

I just wish I could get over him already. But knowing he matches me so well… realising what we lost, because he’s a coward. It’s so so hard.

Well.. it’s gonna be a long time till I get over him, no matter what.


Goodbye Alan!

Now I’m even dreaming about him…

When that sadness hit me yesterday, I talked to a friend about it. I asked her whether I should send him a message, wishing him a good flight and a save journey today. She said that I should, if I felt the need to. But that I should not put any pressure on it or blame.

All day long that sadness didn’t vanish. Then I woke up from a dream of his. This is ridiculous, but even in my dreams he didn’t care. We were on a building about to go on a trip and I asked if he had read the letter. He said yes. I asked if he had anything to say about it and he said: “Wouldn’t know what!” I was devastated that even after all the emotions and effort I had put into it, he still would not show me anything. Although deep down I knew that some sort of love was there… nothing.

Maybe my subconciousness is telling me to give it up. To not hope for an answer that I am not going to get. Who even wastes a trip to think about his ex? Nobody. So I need to figure things out for myself and not wait for an answer I will not get. Let go of this hope. Let go of the sadness, the anger, the emotions toward him.

I need to understand that he does not love me that much, to give a care about how I feel. No matter how much this truth hurts me. I need to let it go. I need to open my eyes and see the world for its fact and not my hope and imagination of it.

I am alone again.

PS: I did text him a goodbye, wishing him a good flight and save trip. To enjoy the US and get back safely. Saying that Sunday I had so much more to tell him, but that I don’t think it would be a good idea anymore. An hour or so later I told him that I was missing him and hoped he wpuld have a good time. He answered later on and wished me a nice flight as well (and told me that his flight got cancelled). Nothing about the missing part at all. No emotions. I guess it’s high time I moved on now. He doesn’t seem to want to be romantically involved with me any longer. So I am trying to move on whilst I myself am abroad for the week.

Goodbye Alan.

I have a confession to make…

I realised today that I’m having a real issue with not having a man in my life that keeps my self-confidence going and I freakin hate this. I don’t want to. I can be happy without a man, yet it makes it so much easier to be told how people see me. Or to realise that someone misses you. You get me, right?

So… I made a terrible mistake today, because feeling lonely and things with Micah going terribly wrong and stuff. Apart from texting Micah I texted someone else.

I want to talk to you about why I did so:
Last night I was dreaming. I haven’t dreamt of a guy in quite a while. Of all the men I could have possibly dreamt of, it was Kenny. What the actual fuck? I just told you 2 days ago, how I haven’t been thinking about him anymore… that’s hilarious. Not.
I dreamt that we were in a flat together, his girlfriend was there with him. We started talking, like 2 friends talk on a party. We were happy to have bumped into each other, as we hadn’t seen each other since the “fight”.
After a while his girlfriend came to say goodbye (she only went to another room – dreams are weird) and we were left alone in a room. Kenny had that look again when we were left alone. He locked the door and started pushing me against the wall kissing me. I’m not going into any more details, but I woke up when he had just entered me. I woke up being confused and very horny. I actually wanted to fall back asleep and see how the sex was. It was pretty damn real and I freakin liked it way more than I should have.

All day I hoped I would forget about the dream again, as I so often do. I didn’t. I kept on thinking about Kenny. I was frustrated with Micah.

I texted Kenny.

I know I told you guys I deleted his number. And I really have! But I can’t do such things without a backup plan, because I knew – maybe some day I needed that number again. I had saved his number somewhere in the back of my phone and retreated it. I texted him and we went back to talking pretty much as if there hadn’t been a 2 months gap. I freakin missed that guy. I am not emotionally involved again, I needed that break to not fall further in love with him. So that’s a good thing at least.

So that has been my day. One huge freakin mess. But ya know. What the heck. At least I’m feeling more emotionally stable.