jealous

another argument

Last week Alan and I had another argument. Well, argument actually is the wrong wording. It was more of a discussion. I asked him whether it would be okay if I went to the movies with Mr. Cucu, because we had to plan our holidays together afterwards.

Short story behind all this: I asked him pretty much in the beginning of getting to know him whether it would be okay if I went on holidays with Mr. Cucu for 2 weeks in summer. He said that it was okay back then (about 1 month ago). When I mentioned the holidays again last week, he asked whether Mr. Cucu had a girlfriend or not. I said “not that I know of”. He was just like “okay”, so I knew something was up.

I told him once more that if he wasn’t okay with me going on holidays with Mr. Cucu, he should let me know now, not once we’ve booked everything. He said that it didn’t bother him, he just has never been in that situation before. When I asked once more he said “I don’t want to ruin your holidays, but if you’re staying in the same room…… it’s not like I don’t trust you, it’s just weird for me.”

I tried to explain to him that I totally do understand his point of view and that I would not be okay if the situation were reversed. But also that Mr. Cucu was more like a brother to me, that we never cuddled or anything the like (which is true.. Although there once has been a time when I wanted to date him, this has long been gone. I actually never could have imagined actually kissing him, even during that time). He then just said “well there are rooms with twin beds, right?”

But somehow it just didn’t felt like we were done yet, so I said once more that I would understand if he told me not to go on holidays with him. He said “I already told you how I think about this. I trust you and I am not going to forbid anything, it’s just a weird situation for me.” I once more explained that I would not be angry and I did not see it as “forbidding”, that I wouldn’t have asked if I wouldn’t have changed a thing, right? I would have just said “I’m going on holidays with Mr. Cucu, I don’t give a fuck whether it bothers you” (pretty much like I did with Stan…) So he was saying that he didn’t want to intervene into this friendship. But that he would be okay, if he knew that we had a “healthy distance” and would not sleep in the same bed. That’s when I told him he should meet Mr. Cucu and see how we’re dealing with each other.

We did not talk about it again afterwards,… I did tell him that I wanted to talk about it again, until I actually had the feeling that he was okay with it. This hasn’t happened yet, BUT he has met Mr. Cucu last weekend and to me it felt like they were getting along. They will not become best friends, but they seem okay. So I’ll have to ask him again how he feels about the situation.

It’s really weird for me, to actually talk things out and not shout at each other and have no understanding whatsoever (like things went with Stan each time we argued). It’s great to actually have someone understanding and loving. That’s how it should have been all along, right?!

Offtopic: What was really cute and surprising: he actually remembered the date when we first met (I didn’t know by heart). We were talking about which day to take as our anniversary day (because let’s be honest, Valentine’s day sucks as an anniversary day) and I said we could take the day we met. But who cares really?! As long as we stay together 🙂

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what do I want?

I’m still as confused as in my last post. I haven’t seen Dodo again ever since, but we’ll meet up tomorrow. The plan was to walk around the city with his friend from New Zealand, but he texted me today saying that his friend had canceled the plans, so it’s just us again (how surprising ;-)).

I really don’t know what to expect from all of this. I was out with friends partying yesterday and he was a lot calmer than Ken was when I was drunk. He didn’t make a big deal of me hugging and kissing other people and telling him about it (my friends actually told me to do so, to see if he is jealous or not). Anyway, I’m just glad I’ll be away for almost 2 weeks for a holiday. It will give me some time off to think about this situation and what to do about it. Because he is falling head over heels into this – whatever “this” is. He has asked me 3 times in the last few days to meet up, and again today if I care to meet up this evening instead of only tomorrow. I declined, because I am still hangover. He accepted without another word, but I am sure he is at least a bit sad about it.

You know, I really love how smart he is. But he’s reminding me a bit of Ken with the “closure”. I don’t need a man to be around every day, and I’m not sure if he can slow down. Well, he has to, but you know. So I really am super glad that I’m off on holidays for a while.

I’ll keep you updated – tomorrow night I guess about the date.

ooh he’s back again?

Guys, you will not believe what happened today. Well yeah, you probably will.. but I’m just going to copy what I’ve written with Ken, and you can judge yourself. Let me know! I am eager to know whether I am overreacting or not! Also note how he never replied to my actual questions.. and how he doesn’t accept my opinion either. But here, I’ll let you leave with our conversation:

K (at 6am!): Are you happier now without me?
Me: Hang on, just let me sort stuff out: YOU broke up with me, you rejoined the community a day after and you blocked me on WhatsApp.. why am I the villain now?
K: I didn’t block you?! I have rejoined, because I needed a place to get my mind off things, because I’m not dealing very well with this…
I didn’t reply.
K: I would never break up with you when it comes down to feelings. You know that I love you from the bottom of my heart. I just realised that we’ve gotten into a quandary. Let’s have a look back to the beginnings. I didn’t want a relationship. I had you on the long leash and you always came towards me. With time I let feelings flow and things went into the opposite direction. I wanted you more and more and you understandably started to back away. That made me try crazily to get your attention, but I didn’t get it and you backed away even more. So I pulled “the trigger”. But ever since I realise how much my body longs for you. I’m gonna be honest: I could see us getting old together, with all the problems we have. I make mistakes, but so does everyone.
Me: How exactly are you seeing our future together? You gonna break up with me every time we face a problem? Do you really think the next time I want to be left alone, you can do it just like that? It’s not gonna get better or easier. and I’m not gonna change. You need attention all the time and I need me-time all the time. How exactly is this going to work?
K: When I surprised you on Thursday, you were saying that your mother was out and nobody waited for you at home. So I thought I am allowed to come over. When you said you were feeling like shit on Sunday, I wanted to visit you – everyone would do that who liked you even the slightest.You gotta tell me exactly when you have time and what you want to do, so I’m gonna stop surprising you. I can take it all easy, I was able to do so in the beginning.
I didn’t reply again for like 20 minutes…
K: I can’t promise you anything, just that I’m gonna try very hard. It would be a pity to end things, because this relationship has been the best so far.
Me: In a week’s time, we’d be at the same exact spot as today again. I have played that game 4 times now, and I’m done. I always thought “this time he won’t break up with me when the slightest problem will turn up” yet it happened again. Your controlling, your jealousy and the constricting… you will always fall back into that pattern and I am not one for controlling.
K: That is not true. I have been improving my jealousy heaps, because I trust you  now. Yes the controlling was wrong, but I only did it because I didn’t know that you needed time for yourself. I’m sorry. Look, I know I could do it if I take things easy.. I know because I have realised this whilst we were on this break. And I have already improved a lot, so please don’t forget that…
But I understand.. it was one too many times. Such a pity.. It would have worked, I know it.

Now I’m just gonna say one more thing: Yes, 5 times is one too many times. And I am very proud of myself for sticking to this. In the middle of this conversation (this lasted the whole morning actually!) I started to get a little worked up and I wanted to shush him and cuddle him, because I realised how much he’s trying to hang onto something that will never work. But I just decided to not listen to this side, and I know it’s for the better. But you know, it’s hard for me not to help these helpless creatures – also known as my exes *sigh*

changing myself.

I know the last few posts must have seem as if I blame everything on Momo. That our relationship didn’t work out, and to say that this is – for the biggest part – true, is not very fair at all. I can’t say it’s his fault, but just between him and I it would have never worked out. Not because he’s a wrong human being or didn’t change for me, but because our personalities just wouldn’t suit for long-term. So no, I am not blaming him. I’m just trying to stay angry at him, for saying how much he wanted me and not doing anything about it. And I think that’s something I’m allowed to do. Does this make any sense to you?!

What I actually wanted to say with this, is, that I have also realised that there are things I need to change about myself. Reflecting what has happened in the entire relationship, there have been quite a few mistakes on my side as well. In the end the mix of both of our faults have caused the breakup, but there are things I’d like to change and keep in mind:

  • I need to be honest, right from the beginning. I don’t struggle with being honest, but I kept telling myself that it might get better again,
  • I need to say out loud what I’m thinking right from the beginning. Not waiting for the moment when I can’t bear it anymore or am so annoyed that I don’t want to see the other person anymore.
  • I need to be straight out with how I’m feeling. It doesn’t matter whether that’s good feelings or bad. I have been struggling with telling people how I feel all my life. Ever since I first started seeing my psychologist it has improved heaps. Even my mother has complimented me on how much I have opened up in the last few months.
  • I need to calm down on the bad thoughts and the jealousy. Whilst I think I have handled the jealousy pretty good, given all the crap that my ex has done in his past (I have met probably a dozen or so girls he’s banged…), I shouldn’t let my mind wander into these wrong places of distrust.
  • Don’t let yourself be talked into things you do not want to do. No matter how much you love your spouse. I have been doing things, I did not enjoy at all, but did it for him. This is not okay when it leads to anxiety.

I think these are the main points. I have learned to try and be understanding in certain things I cannot really grasp, but then I tried. Although I have learned a lot in this relationship, I would take nothing to get it back, to be honest. I wish it didn’t happen in some ways, but then it has helped me grow a lot. I just got so many bad things from it, that I’m worried I cannot get the trust in men back.

Of course I am also terrified that I will not find a man. But somehow, right now, I’m not that worried. I have been dreaming about dating strangers a lot, which was weird… and have also been “dumped” by a lot of guys who have been hitting on me through the entire relationship, so that didn’t feel good either. But it’s okay. At some point I will meet someone new and right now I really am looking forward to the dating again.

holidays be here fast!

Tell me that it is normal to be jealous of someone you don’t even know is there?

I don’t know why, I just have this feeling that things won’t be the same once Steve is back from holidays. Whenever I meet someone before holidays, the latest point that the relationship ends, is when I or the other person is on holidays. I don’t know why. This has happened always, so I am scared as shit that the same thing will happen with Steve. Which shows that I really am in love with him. I’m still doubting it every now and then though,.. but this just shows me how much I care about him being in my life. I don’t want to lose him, I want him in my life. Even after the holidays. I need him. Even after this short while… it’s crazy. And so not like me.

As I mentioned before, he’s on holidays already since Friday and I’m going tomorrow, he’ll be back on August 4th, I’m back 3 days before. So I have to wait even longer… but I’ll deal with it. Once I’m gone, my mind hopefully will be off things… Also I am really thinking about not using the wifi in the hotel (if there is).. just to see how much my boyfriendorwhatever is missing me. Is that stupid? I just love knowing when somebody misses me and actually shows me.And returning with knowing there are people who thought about me.

As for now, we have been talking on whatsapp every now and then, which just make it so much worse. I want to be with him. I want to lie at the pool with him. Not caring about other people in his life. Other girls who want him. On the other hand I don’t know whom he is with anyway. Not even how many girls are there, if they are with their boyfriends or what. And my mind is wandering off, him being all over a girl, because he has nobody there (like coupley). It’s not like I don’t trust him, not at all (although sometimes I think he would, because he’s been that ONS-boy)… it’s just.. I don’t know. It drives me nuts him being away.

I just really miss him, and I can’t handle it. And by the way, he still keeps chatting with that girl I know from the community. I don’t know how close they are, so it’s messing with my head seeing that whenever we’re together she keeps texting him. On the other hand, she told me that she has a boyfriend (I talked to her before I knew that Steve and I were getting serious! I’m so not a stalker. Maybe a little)… so what is this all about? I’m not the girlfriend to prohibit him talking to other girls. Where would we end with this?

I really really hope we can go on holidays for a couple of days in August. So this post is all over the place, just like my mind. I just had to get it out before I leave.