love for Mr. Cucu

On a whole other note, and much more positive for once: Mr. Cucu.

I’m looking into holidays with him again in just 24 days. And I am so happy about it. I’m happy because I know we get along perfectly. That 2 weeks with him away from all the pain and stress at home, will be the perfect time-out. I’m so glad I decided to go, no matter what Alan had said back then. Because I would be completely lost now without Mr. Cucu.

My mom asked me today, why I had been calling him Mr. Cucu (she doesn’t even remember his real name) and I thought back to the good old days, when everything started. And then she had that look on her face. I know her well enough by now, to know what it means. It was the face of “oh my daughter is in love with that guy”. Which….

I’m not.

I mean. Every time something does go wrong in my love life, I do think that Mr. Cucu would be the perfect boyfriend (I actually always think about this). And today when I have been reading back on all the old posts about him, I had to chuckle a little bit. Little did I know 5 years ago, he would become such a big and important part of my life. Even back then, when he wasn’t that close to me, I knew how perfect he’d be and how terrified I was to actually lose him by trying to date him.
5 years later, and I’m still standing at the same exact spot. Our friendship has developed. He’s the best friend I could ever ask for. We have been talking about our breakups, our heartbreak, but still can be silly together. I have not once in my life had a fight with him. He never got on my nerves, even when we spent 24/7 together for 2 weeks. Not once. And I cannot say this about anyone else in my life.

We always are joking about getting married one day. I just wish I could really joke about it, and deep down not wish for it to come true. If I’d know I would not ruin our friendship, I would have long ago made a move on him. But I am absolutely terrified of losing him. And I guess that’s why – for the last 5+ years – I have been able to ignore my feelings – or whatever you may call them. I am not actually in love with him, but I also am not allowing myself to. I love him. I truly deeply love him from the bottom of my heart. But as a friend. And the wish to be able and love him as my boyfriend, has always and probably always will be there.

Just a few thoughts on that. Don’t know where that came from.

Dodo is back in my life!

On a whole other subject, but still I want it to be documented on here:

This whole mess with Alan has made me talk to Dodo again. I knew he would be here for me, because he always is and was. No matter how badly I’ve treated him in the past, he never left my side. No matter how much I tried to push him away. He kept his distance, but held my hand if I asked him to. This is what true friendship means. Being able to talk to them at any time, without judgment. And even though we didn’t talk a lot over the last 2 years due to my reaction to his love confession, I knew he would be here for me at any minute.

I texted Dodo after Alan failed to reply to my confession about my depression. I told him that I just didn’t understand, how one could not react to a message like that. And let’s put some things straight here: Dodo didn’t know either. So let’s just compare these two reactions of my boyfriend and a friend;

  • Boyfriend: No reply
  • Friend: “First of all, do I need to be worried about you?! Secondly: I don’t know how one cannot reply to something like that. Of course one can be overwhelmed with that, but even though it’s a difficult subject, just not answering is pretty damn… bullshit. Of course, an answer should be well thought about. But if someone would tell me this, it means she trusts me and I should be able to reply with something.”

And just like that, with one single text he made me feel that much better. Better than my boyfriend probably ever did when it came to problems.
This conversation ended up with a huge rant from my side about my boyfriend. And he just listened and said what he thought. That’s what a friend – even more so a boyfriend – should do. That’s what “being there for someone” means.
And on a little side note: Whilst I was writing all this to Dodo he was at school. And he actually intentionally left the room to be able and be there for me. That’s what friends do. Putting priorities right.

Ever since, Dodo has texted me daily, making sure I am okay. Telling me to look for myself and not for Alan. Make sure that if he drags me any farther down, I need to leave him. He made me see my worth again. Made me realise that it’s not all in my head.

We then talked about some other things and all of a sudden he asked me about my depression (and that was the moment I would have loved to show this conversation to Alan, just to let him know that it was possible. Having a normal conversation, making me feel loved and cherished. Being actually interested in my life).

After we talked all day long, he then told me about his current problems with his “girl” (it’s not his girlfriend) and he told me that he’s just asking himself, why he’s invested so much time in her. To which I said “you probably asked yourself the same thing about me when ‘we broke up’ ” (apart from asking what had happened etc.)
He said “No I actually have never thought bad about you. I just asked myself what would have happened if things went a different way. What if I had reacted in another way than I did”. I told him though that he never did anything wrong (or at least that’s what I had in mind. It just didn’t work out for me).
At that point I had reread what had happened between us 2 years ago, because after everything that has happened with Stan, I totally forgot what the issue was. And I don’t think he could have done anything right or wrong. It just didn’t match for me.

However. I’m just glad to have someone back in my life, that is actually here. Always.

the story of Alan and I continues…



There was a very cute incident: I sent him a picture of my cat and I cuddling and he said, that she was looking at him like “you tryna date this girl? Bitch get outta here”.. at first I didn’t realise and didn’t react to what he’d said. And then I was like “so you wanna date me? 🙂 ” He only realised then what he actually had said to me and blushed and was just like “only if you want”. Hah.

I really don’t know where to start, my emotions are all over the place and I have not expected to feel this way in any way. Like, at all. I didn’t expect it that fast. I didn’t expect to fall in love any time soon after the disaster with Yavin.

As I mentioned in my last post, I did ask him out to the movies. We did not set a date. Then Monday I asked him, if I should come over to his place on Tuesday, as I was off school and he was off uni as well. But he didn’t have any way to come to my city, so I asked if I should come over. He said that he had to check, but then we didn’t talk about it anymore.

I’m not gonna lie, I was a bit devastated – fearing the same thing as with Yavin would happen again. This showed in our conversation of course, as I held back most of my emotions. He asked me in the evening what was wrong and I told him, that I was sad because I really wanted to see him that day and he said sorry and he didn’t mean to disappoint me.
We ended up talking about it and he said he really did want to see me, but as he had to hand in a paper due this Sunday, I totally understood and that we had all the time, no rushing. He then said that he really wanted to see me as soon as possible, which was so cute.

Long story short, we ended up phoning/face-timing for 4 hours last night (until 3am) and I loved it. I actually really hate phoning, but we just talked and talked and talked. And I loved hearing his voice. And I got the butterflies every now and then when I realised what was happening.

So I’m crossing my fingers that this will turn out to be something good. I think it is so different to all the other stories, because I’ve known him for so long (although I have never seen him before). We have a past, which is weird. And I trust him. Even when he didn’t reply to me on Tuesday anymore about the date, I never got angry for the reason of mistrusting him (like I did with Yavin). I knew there was a reason to it.

Anyway. He asked if I would come over to his place this weekend, as his dad is out of the house – if he was finished with his paper till Friday. And I got so excited about it. I am so excited to see him and finally be able to touch him. I really do want to just hug him, out of all of this, I am looking forward to this the most. Is this weird? I know I have already fallen for that guy and I hate it. But whilst we were face-timing yesterday I saw it in his face that he felt the same.

I am so excited about where this’ll take us… I’m trying very hard not to get my hopes up though.

unexpected turn

Well, there has been a slight turn in events. Although I really don’t want to curse myself, I still feel the need to let y’all know.

Someone new has entered my life, who actually hasn’t been that new to me at all: Alan. I actually have known Alan close to 10 years I think. We don’t really remember how long it has been. I’ve known his girlfriend back in probably 2010 or something and when they broke up I didn’t really talk to him that much anymore, as I was friends with his girlfriend. I talked to him even less once I deleted my profile on the community we “met”. We used to talk every now and then and just knew each other, but never actually met. I’m not sure why, because we both were quite open to see people from the community, but I guess it just never happened.


A few days ago he messaged me on snapchat about my new hair (I chopped them off) and we started talking. I’ve had his mobile number for ages, but we rarely talked. This changed ever since and we have sent texts back and forth over the last 2 days (I also stayed up till 2am, because I wanted to talk to him). We sent a lot of snapchat stories, talked on the phone and what else.

We both have asked ourselves, why we never actually met and that we actually really liked to talk to each other. He is fun, he is cute, he is very intelligent and just… I like him. He is also 2 years younger, but that is not actually a problem to me. What is a problem: He lives almost 2 hours away from me. The good thing is, he lives close to Mr. Cucu’s place, so that wouldn’t be a problem. But I really really wanted to see him this weekend, but one – I was too shy to ask, and two – I can’t just drive there quickly. I’m also considering to ask him out this Tuesday, as I’m off school and he’s a student, but… for some reason I’m just too shy. I really don’t know what is going on. However: I have just asked him to go to the movies with me. We’ll see how this turns out to be 😉

I’ll keep you updated.

I hate the whole dating thing!

Here comes the weird thing. Remember how I said in my last post, that I feel like there’s a connection with Yavin?

We texted Wednesday back and forth when he went home from work, because he was very ill… we made some fun and I thought it was good to keep him in a good mood, helps to recover, right? All of a sudden he stopped texting me. No big deal. I knew that would happen. I also knew yesterday after I sent a certain text, that he would stop replying again. How come I feel like I know him, although I really don’t?!

He didn’t text me the next day. Or the next. I wasn’t sure what to do, the longest we didn’t text at all was 1 day about a week into our messaging. As I knew he was very ill, I just texted him yesterday evening, asking whether he was still alive. He quickly replied – as in like the same minute I sent that text! And here’s what bothers me about it: why didn’t he text himself? He obviously was okay with texting, and he wasn’t busy like the other time this happened before. I would be glad to talk to someone when I was ill. Maybe he isn’t, who knows?

I’m sure I’m reading way too much into this. I was okay though, I mean… he’s still replying, right? It’s not like he’s ignoring me for ages. He always replies quickly whenever I do text him first.

Fast forward a couple of hours later (I tried to help him get better, as I am a nurse and do know what to do in situations like the one he is in). At one point our conversation lead to sex again, and he was like “I don’t want to talk about it, or you’re gonna shelve me 😉 ” I just said “too late… but I still like you.” And I just knew that the conversation was over after I sent that text. Whenever I made a compliment or showed any sort of affection to him, he would just abruptly end the conversation. He did answer with “well, lucky me (:” (with a smiley face he never uses) so I knew that was it. I just said “sure are!” and it was done. No more replies from him, and I knew this morning although the hope was still there that he would not text me again.

I do understand where he’s coming from. I don’t like affection from people I don’t really know, and I’m really not sure why I said it in the first place. And I guess he has to hold back, to not let girls affect him so quickly in thoughts of his daughter. He can’t just mess around like another one probably could. I get that. I totally do.
But one thing I swore to myself a few years back, was to always just say what is on my mind. If I find it to be true, why not tell people? Where’s the big deal about being open about your feelings? I hid my feelings for over 20 years, I don’t really say it to my friends (except for Mr. Cucu actually), so why with him? I really don’t know.

I swore to myself that I would not text him again first. But is it really worth it? Why playing that game when I don’t feel like it?! I’ll see, maybe if he doesn’t text till Monday. I don’t want this “relationship” – or whatever it may be called – to end, just because I’m stubborn. You know? But I also don’t want to bother him all the time. I want some approach from his side as well. I guess I just want the confirmation that he really is interested and not just saying that because I asked. So where’s the line between the two of them?

And once more I know why I don’t like that whole falling in love game, or dating, or anything the like until you know for sure what you’re on about. It’s so confusing and upsetting.

friends’ story.

This post is going to be a freakin‘ long ranting post about my friend and realising what is going on in my life. When I first typed this post out in my head (as I always do), I just needed to vent about my friend. But then I realised something else.

But let’s not start at the end of the story:
I have a friend from school, J. I have been good friends with her for almost 2 years now and she is dear to me. However… the last few months when we didn’t see each other daily at school (but still like weekly or monthly at training), she didn’t give a shit about me. I did not get one text message and I talked to her one time in 6 months, because any other time, she was busy with her other friends. As school restarted this week, I noticed that something was bothering her and I asked her. That’s how I got her story:

J has had a boyfriend for the last 3 years. Ever since I’ve known her, she always told me how much she loved him and she wanted to have kids with him and whatever. They were very happy and I saw it and envied it. She also lives with the best friend of her boyfriend, who is also her own best friend. I know all three of them, as I spent quite some time at her place last year.
I always thought it to be awkward that she lived with his best friend, but then I would live with Mr. Cucu in an instant. I accept people the way they are and let them live their way. And her boyfriend was okay with it, so who am I to judge?
Then J went on with her story: 
2 months ago she went on holidays with her flatmate and they had a thing going on. They first thought it was a one-time-thing, because of their drunken selves,.. but kept having a lot of sex back at home. So basically, she has been in an affair with her boyfriends’ best friend for almost 2 months and her boyfriend doesn’t know any of it. Unfortunately she now has fallen in love with her flatmate.

As you might know, I am not too keen on cheating after what happened with Stan last year. I told her that first of all she owed her boyfriend a clean break. She should at least be honourable enough to let him go, no matter if it is “just” a short-lived crush on her flatmate or not. It is unfair to her boyfriend to keep him hanging without knowing what is going on.
She didn’t want to, because she didn’t want to hurt him and she thought that maybe she might forget about her flatmate – or everything actually – again. Deep down she knew, that she was lying to herself, so I let her figure that out herself. She kept going back and forth between flatmate and her boyfriend, and I just told her that she needs to make a decision, especially for the sake of her boyfriend. He needs to know, why she’s behaving so weird. She told me then, that she will never tell him that she fucked his best friend, and they don’t intend on letting him know – ever. I don’t really agree on the dishonesty, but it’s their choice to live with that lie. It’s not my place to judge. Again.

Anyway, so we talked for about an hour after school ended, as I didn’t know any of that story and I let her in on what I thought about all of this. I missed 3 of my trains back home (she lives a 10min walk away from school, whilst it takes me 45min with public transport). At the end I told her to let me know, if she needed  a break and wanted to get away from her flatmate for some time and stay at mine. She took me up on that offer and came over an hour later (well I picked her up, but whatever).

Now here’s the thing: I know that I can be an awesome friend. I listen to people for hours, I am very empathic and do understand most people even if I don’t agree – I always accept their opinions. I have a lot of patience and listen to them ramble on and on and on for hours, even if it’s the same story over and over again. I stayed up till 1.30am to let her cry it all out, to get her mind off things and just be there for her. I let her sleep in my bed, although I cannot sleep when someone is in my room at all. I bought food for her and cooked it for her. I did everything possible, to make her feel better (although in all honesty, in my opinion she does not deserve to, but then it is not my place to judge her actions). I do accept every person, and everyone can do whatever he/she likes to do, even if I don’t agree with it. I am not here to judge (unless I am involved myself).
But she was just rude. I did not get a thank you, until she was back at home and felt the need to send a message to thank me, just to ramble on about her flatmate. She took my blanket and didn’t even offer me half of it, she used more than half of my bed, when she clearly had more than enough space. I cooked for her, and it wasn’t even appreciated. No thank you, or even washing the dishes. She let everything on the table for me to clean up, once she was gone. I helped her write a letter to her boyfriend and listened to her rambling on and on. Always offering the same piece of advice over and over again, but also being very understanding of her current situation (because for fuck’s sake, for some reason I do understand what she’s going through). She was texting on her phone in the middle of the night, so I woke up because of the light. She was actually on her phone, most of the time, despite me sitting next to her. Just things like that.

So what has all of this to do with my life?
It made me realise how many bullshit friends I actually have. I tried to think about who I would go to, if I’d be in her situation. Is there anyone in my life, who would offer me a place to stay? An open and understanding ear to listen? A shoulder to cry on?
And I cannot name you one. Yes, I do have friends, but none if them care that deeply for me. And it makes me angry how I always do everything for people like J, when I don’t get anything in return. She didn’t give a fuck about me, when Stan cheated on me and I was bawling my eyes out for months and was just fuckin’ lonely all the freakin’ time. Nobody cared. Or even noticed in the first place.
And this made me realise how freakin’ lonely I actually am. I do not wish for a boyfriend at every price. But I would love to have a significant other, because I know I would join his group of friends.  I would have someone to rely on, someone who would be here in situations like these… But what for? To end up just as lonely again once it is over?

I don’t freakin’ know where my life has taken me, but it’s a pretty darn dark place. And I have become very socially anxious, which sucks big time. I don’t like going out at all anymore, not even with friends. I just wished for J to disappear all night yesterday, because I wanted to be alone. How sad is this life of mine? But still, I am somewhat pleased with it, I don’t feel sad. Most of the time.
It just makes me angry to know, that of all the people in my life, it’s only my mother I can truly depend on. And that makes me sad, because she won’t be here forever.

All of this has left me feeling sucked out. Empty. And nauseous. And I’m just done with today.

update on my currents

Just to let you know, how my lovelife is not going. Another quick update on my ‘currents’:

  • Haven’t heard from crush in a while. He declined my friend request so I’ll definitely leave it be and I am so glad I didn’t decide to go there for holidays. It would have been such a let down.
  • Mr. Wave, well my workout routine has been pretty damn shitty over the last month, so I haven’t been to the pool again and therefore haven’t seen him again. Should go there again on Friday. Maybe.
  • D hasn’t texted me as well. It’s funny though, we talked about guys at work last time and everybody was asking me about D, even after what happened with Dan. Which is funny, because some said he was definitely interested in me despite having a girlfriend. I wasn’t that sure after I heard he had been flirting with another colleague but whatever. Maybe I’ll text him again some day, maybe not. It was nice while it lasted 😉
  • That guy of my friend? Short story about him: my friend has been in a relationship for about 3 years and she always told me that her boyfriend’s best friend would totally be my type of guy personality wise. After the failure of a setup from another friend of mine, I was not interested. When I went to her birthday party last Sunday I met him. I immediately thought of what she’d said when they introduced as as best friends of the couple. I didn’t want to overreact though and just was me. We got to talk quickly and she was right, he totally was my type of guy. He was funny, sarcastic, cute, straightforward and so on. Everything I need and love in a guy. So when I left I was kinda bummed to not have any way to contact him. I texted my best friend, saying that she was right about him. She’s sneaky. So she gave him my number, telling that story and that he could text me. He said something about not being over his last ‘love’ yet, but he will text me once he was. I haven’t received a text message yet, which sucks. But it’s alright. It just shows he’s truthful and honest with himself and I love that. Who knows? Maybe one day we’ll meet again. Maybe this was a quick blow.
  • Update on Dan is to come!