friendship

date set!

Each time I type up a post these days, I feel like I haven’t talked to you guys in ages, when in reality it has only been 2.5 weeks. I can’t really say lots has happened, but I felt like updating you nevertheless. I actually wanted to let you know yesterday when something happened, but for the one time in forever I left my notebook at school.

So, I haven’t heard from Gohan since we saw each other those 2.5 weeks ago. I don’t really care, I just found it funny… he said before we said goodbye, that he enjoyed talking to me and will try to keep the contact up. Well, we all see how much truth was in these words, so there’s that.

Then there’s a new guy. I’m not sure yet if he deserves a name on here, but we will find out soon enough. Paraplegic.
Yes, he is exactly that. But let me start from the beginning. A few weeks ago I reactivated my Tinder or rather created a new profile. I talked to a lot of guys – I mean a lot! I didn’t create the profile in the hope of finding anyone, but just being able to talk to someone when I’m bored. So.

On August 12th he texted me a simple small talk text and we got into talking. It wasn’t like I was all over him, but he had sparked my interest, especially when he told me about his accident when he broke a vortex and wasn’t able to walk. As many of you may know, I work as a nurse and therefore have been working with these kind of people every now and then. I was not sure if I could bear having a boyfriend in a wheelchair, but soon enough found out that he was able to walk again.
We texted back an forth and the very next day he asked, if we could switch to texting. Which I obviously was all in (I f*ckin hate the Tinder app!). The texting was on and off, some days he would text me or simply not reply to my questions and so on. It made me lose interest in him, although he seemed pretty perfect on paper (he’s good looking, intelligent, searches for the same things in a relationship, wants a family soonish and so on – only down side: yet another guy I have to drive 1.5 hours to), I wasn’t up for a chase or a stupid game like that.

Pretty much in the beginning (still on Tinder) he asked if I was up for meeting. I said that, yes I was, but needed to get to know someone first before I would. A few days later he said something along the lines of “well you don’t want to date, so…” I explained once more that I hadn’t said no. When I then asked for a date, he simply stated that ‘it’s not that easy to get a date’ with him. Oh well, excuse me King. So I didn’t ask again obviously. He has the habit of simply not reacting to an open question, and I couldn’t be bothered to really care at some point.
At some point last week we talked about seeing each other again. I told him I was free this weekend, to which he said “I thought you had to learn?” which I actually had to, but would have canceled. He simply didn’t reply anymore, so that was off. And I told myself not to bother anymore trying to get him to date me. What’s the point?!

Then happened Monday. I was out with my friends, getting drunk. I hadn’t texted him all day for above reason. When I’m drunk, I text everyone. So I messaged him as well. I had taken my final exams on Monday and he predicted what mark I would get (which was pretty high), and I was like “thought I needed some private lessons with you?” (he’s said so a few days prior).  To which he replied, that I could still get them on free terms. I asked him for what topic and he asked where I needed help. I said I would definitely find some topics. Him: “I’m happy about that, else you wouldn’t need me 😉 ” to which I said: I guess you can be used for more things than that. Of course he asked what for and I said “hmm.. discuss, cuddle and having fun?!” (bear in mind, by then I was pretty drunk).
All of a sudden he opened up again and asked if we could see each other during the weeks as well (since he knew I wasn’t available this coming weekend). I really don’t know where this came from, but somehow we have settled for this Thursday evening.

I was very surprised about this. Let me tell you, I’m trying to not get my hopes up, he still has 2 days to cancel OR not turn up at all. But he has been very talkative since, which he hasn’t been before. He also seems a bit flirtatious with me, which is so unusual for him (did tell him so).
I am happy and excited though. The first date in so long (the last real date I remember was with Stan… so that has been a while (2 years or so)). I’ll update you when I know more.

PS: Haven’t heard from Doc in 3 weeks or so

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meeting Gohan again

So. That “date” yesterday didn’t turn out how I expected it to. Well, I didn’t expect much, did I? I wanted to leave all options open, although I did think about how I wasn’t allowed to have sex for yet another week because of my surgery. So you can imagine how far my imagination had gone by the time I reread all the old posts about Gohan.

My mind got really messed by the time I met up with him. I was thinking about getting back in a relationship with him, or maybe just having a friendship with benefits. I wondered why things never worked out. I imagined how nice it would be, to have someone this close (in distance)… To sum things up: my mind was flying at around 130mph.

But then, when I saw him at the train station… after the first thing he said, I remembered why we didn’t work out. As mean as this may sound, but I just knew I could never ever be with him, just like I said on all these other posts about him.
We don’t share a lot of common interests and do see life from very different points of view. He talks a lot about himself. He has a lot of issues with his personality and tries to verify them with things that have nothing to do with it. And he’s just weird. There’s nothing wrong with being weird, but he’s so proud of being different… it’s just not what I like in a guy.

I went home at 1am after driving him home, so we spent a good 4 hours talking. Or rather him talking for like 3.5 of them. But with each minute I just felt more and more uncomfortable. At first things were okay, we talked and it was nice to meet someone I haven’t seen in so long. But by 11pm I got really tired and just wanted to be left alone. He didn’t realise. By 12.30am he said we should head home and he was mumbling something about going home and watching some Netflix. I wasn’t sure if he meant for me to join, but I knew I would not go to his house. It ended up being no question, so that was fine for me.

All summed up: it was nice to see him, but that’ll leave me satisfied for a looong time. We haven’t texted since either. He was very touchy and cuddley and kept telling me how “sexless” he was, to which I didn’t say anything. He asked me to give him my jacket or warm him up, which I found so weird that I didn’t reply. He asked why I didn’t reply and I was like “I’m not gonna give you my jacket!” Like, what?! I didn’t feel the need to cuddle him or whatever, although he tried several times. But I guess after a while he realised I would not give him what he wanted.
He also apologised for how he’s treated me after the breakup. He realised that he was very emotionally unavailable and was not reacting how he should have. But I have long gotten over it, so it was no big deal. Sure it was nice to see that he realised he behaved wrong… but you know, it’s been 5 years.

As I said, it was okay. But nothing like I expected. Not exactly in a bad way, but not in a good way either. It did make me want to date again though. But oh well…

guess who showed up?

As you all know by now, whenever I don’t post much, there simply is nothing to talk about. Alan has still vanished from this my world, which is fine for me. Doc is away for a month now and hasn’t texted in a week, which is absolutely fine as well. Have somewhat gotten over the idea anyway.

What is new though: I’m going out with Gohan tonight. I know. I don’t know where this has come from either. I don’t think many remember him. We dated a while back, I guess about 5-7 years but will have to read back on that story. We had sex once and then just stopped seeing each other for whatever reason – I can’t recall.

Well, last week I bumped into him. Not so much physically, because I didn’t actually talk to him because I only realised too late and he didn’t notice me. But I did let him know by text and he said it was a pity I didn’t talk to him, because it would have been fun. To which I replied we could meet up anyway and not only have to see each other whenever we occasionaly bump into each other. I mean we haven’t seen each other on purpose since we dated back in 2012 (I have read back on it now). Last night he asked whether I was free tonight, so yes. I am going out with him.

I have absolutely no idea what to expect. He told me that he has gotten very antisocial and needed some friends to get out of the house. I have been pretty much the same over the last few years (or actually… I have always been like that), so it seemed perfect to me. He understands what I go through. And we have always been on good terms, even after we ‘broke up’.

I don’t expect anything to happen tonight, but I am somewhat curious. Everything is so open and everything could happen. We’re both single, we know each other, we’re weird. I do think we’ll just catch up on these last few years and definitely will have a good talk. But there’s a subtle nervousity in me, because we used to date. And now that I have been reading back on a few posts I wrote about him, a weird feeling has shown itself again. I do not think we’ll kiss or anything, but there has always been a connection between the two of us. We’ll see. I’ll let you know how it went!

On a whole other topic: Ken and I are talking again. He actually texted me this morning, telling me that he’d found a hair from me on his handcuffs. Well, where did that come from? Haha, he has a new girlfriend, so I’m not sure why he is telling me this. I mean it has been 2 years. But whatever. Thanks for the info, I guess. 😀

holidays did me well!

I’m back, who guessed? Have been for a few days actually, but it didn’t pop up in my mind to update you guys. I am sorry about that. So here comes a quick one:

I didn’t have internet for the 10 days I was abroad. Well, I could have, but decided against it – as I remembered how good it did me when Alan broke up with me (or whatever you would call this). I turned it on after 4 days as I had to read back some stuff and therefore got all the messages in as well. Of course I couldn’t NOT read them.
I received a text from Doc, which actually kept me happy all throughout my holidays – and still does:

You didn’t scare me off 🙂 don’t worry. I do very much like to text with you and if an opportunity turns up, we can go for a drink some time.

I actually can’t quite translate his wording, as there’s no translation for a particular word. It’s more like “we can go for a drink once”, but that doesn’t sound quite right either. And I don’t know how to interpret it. So I simply didn’t.
I was happy, because he said just like that, that he likes to text with me very much. Which shows me that he really does enjoy it. And that my feelings have been wrong. I watched a video today, that told us that we always see our own insecurities in others. I need to stop interpreting things how I would word them. I have asked him way too many times about this, and he kept saying that he enjoys talking to me. I need to turn my interpretations off for this one.

Whilst being away for 10 days I had time to let go. I figured that if we meet in 6 months or maybe a year, that’s fine, too. I don’t always have to rush things. Maybe we’ll stay friends. Maybe the texting will subside somewhen and we won’t even talk anymore – even less date. That’s all very fine. I do like this guy, I’m not gonna lie. And he seems like a genuine good guy. But what is so wrong about having patience and really getting to know someone? I don’t always have to date them right away. Maybe he’s interested in me, maybe he’s not. What if we just get to know each other, without that thought in the back of our minds?
It’s something that I have struggled with all my life, and which usually was the reason why my relationships lasted only a few months, because once I got to know them, I realised I didn’t like what I got as much as I thought. With Momo I got to know him for 2 months before we actually started dating with our mind set to more than friendship with benefits. And it turned out to be the best relationship I’ve ever had.
Also I’m quite content with being alone, without bothering to care for someone else besides me. I have a lot going on with an upcoming surgery on my cervix, my last year of university and just personal things. So maybe I just need to focus on myself for the time being and see where the future leads me. Why does it always have to be about boys? Right, it doesn’t! And that’s what I’ve learned over the past 10 days away.

love for Mr. Cucu

On a whole other note, and much more positive for once: Mr. Cucu.

I’m looking into holidays with him again in just 24 days. And I am so happy about it. I’m happy because I know we get along perfectly. That 2 weeks with him away from all the pain and stress at home, will be the perfect time-out. I’m so glad I decided to go, no matter what Alan had said back then. Because I would be completely lost now without Mr. Cucu.

My mom asked me today, why I had been calling him Mr. Cucu (she doesn’t even remember his real name) and I thought back to the good old days, when everything started. And then she had that look on her face. I know her well enough by now, to know what it means. It was the face of “oh my daughter is in love with that guy”. Which….

I’m not.

I mean. Every time something does go wrong in my love life, I do think that Mr. Cucu would be the perfect boyfriend (I actually always think about this). And today when I have been reading back on all the old posts about him, I had to chuckle a little bit. Little did I know 5 years ago, he would become such a big and important part of my life. Even back then, when he wasn’t that close to me, I knew how perfect he’d be and how terrified I was to actually lose him by trying to date him.
5 years later, and I’m still standing at the same exact spot. Our friendship has developed. He’s the best friend I could ever ask for. We have been talking about our breakups, our heartbreak, but still can be silly together. I have not once in my life had a fight with him. He never got on my nerves, even when we spent 24/7 together for 2 weeks. Not once. And I cannot say this about anyone else in my life.

We always are joking about getting married one day. I just wish I could really joke about it, and deep down not wish for it to come true. If I’d know I would not ruin our friendship, I would have long ago made a move on him. But I am absolutely terrified of losing him. And I guess that’s why – for the last 5+ years – I have been able to ignore my feelings – or whatever you may call them. I am not actually in love with him, but I also am not allowing myself to. I love him. I truly deeply love him from the bottom of my heart. But as a friend. And the wish to be able and love him as my boyfriend, has always and probably always will be there.

Just a few thoughts on that. Don’t know where that came from.

Dodo is back in my life!

On a whole other subject, but still I want it to be documented on here:

This whole mess with Alan has made me talk to Dodo again. I knew he would be here for me, because he always is and was. No matter how badly I’ve treated him in the past, he never left my side. No matter how much I tried to push him away. He kept his distance, but held my hand if I asked him to. This is what true friendship means. Being able to talk to them at any time, without judgment. And even though we didn’t talk a lot over the last 2 years due to my reaction to his love confession, I knew he would be here for me at any minute.

I texted Dodo after Alan failed to reply to my confession about my depression. I told him that I just didn’t understand, how one could not react to a message like that. And let’s put some things straight here: Dodo didn’t know either. So let’s just compare these two reactions of my boyfriend and a friend;

  • Boyfriend: No reply
  • Friend: “First of all, do I need to be worried about you?! Secondly: I don’t know how one cannot reply to something like that. Of course one can be overwhelmed with that, but even though it’s a difficult subject, just not answering is pretty damn… bullshit. Of course, an answer should be well thought about. But if someone would tell me this, it means she trusts me and I should be able to reply with something.”

And just like that, with one single text he made me feel that much better. Better than my boyfriend probably ever did when it came to problems.
This conversation ended up with a huge rant from my side about my boyfriend. And he just listened and said what he thought. That’s what a friend – even more so a boyfriend – should do. That’s what “being there for someone” means.
And on a little side note: Whilst I was writing all this to Dodo he was at school. And he actually intentionally left the room to be able and be there for me. That’s what friends do. Putting priorities right.

Ever since, Dodo has texted me daily, making sure I am okay. Telling me to look for myself and not for Alan. Make sure that if he drags me any farther down, I need to leave him. He made me see my worth again. Made me realise that it’s not all in my head.

We then talked about some other things and all of a sudden he asked me about my depression (and that was the moment I would have loved to show this conversation to Alan, just to let him know that it was possible. Having a normal conversation, making me feel loved and cherished. Being actually interested in my life).

After we talked all day long, he then told me about his current problems with his “girl” (it’s not his girlfriend) and he told me that he’s just asking himself, why he’s invested so much time in her. To which I said “you probably asked yourself the same thing about me when ‘we broke up’ ” (apart from asking what had happened etc.)
He said “No I actually have never thought bad about you. I just asked myself what would have happened if things went a different way. What if I had reacted in another way than I did”. I told him though that he never did anything wrong (or at least that’s what I had in mind. It just didn’t work out for me).
At that point I had reread what had happened between us 2 years ago, because after everything that has happened with Stan, I totally forgot what the issue was. And I don’t think he could have done anything right or wrong. It just didn’t match for me.

However. I’m just glad to have someone back in my life, that is actually here. Always.

the story of Alan and I continues…

So.

Alan.

There was a very cute incident: I sent him a picture of my cat and I cuddling and he said, that she was looking at him like “you tryna date this girl? Bitch get outta here”.. at first I didn’t realise and didn’t react to what he’d said. And then I was like “so you wanna date me? 🙂 ” He only realised then what he actually had said to me and blushed and was just like “only if you want”. Hah.

I really don’t know where to start, my emotions are all over the place and I have not expected to feel this way in any way. Like, at all. I didn’t expect it that fast. I didn’t expect to fall in love any time soon after the disaster with Yavin.

As I mentioned in my last post, I did ask him out to the movies. We did not set a date. Then Monday I asked him, if I should come over to his place on Tuesday, as I was off school and he was off uni as well. But he didn’t have any way to come to my city, so I asked if I should come over. He said that he had to check, but then we didn’t talk about it anymore.

I’m not gonna lie, I was a bit devastated – fearing the same thing as with Yavin would happen again. This showed in our conversation of course, as I held back most of my emotions. He asked me in the evening what was wrong and I told him, that I was sad because I really wanted to see him that day and he said sorry and he didn’t mean to disappoint me.
We ended up talking about it and he said he really did want to see me, but as he had to hand in a paper due this Sunday, I totally understood and that we had all the time, no rushing. He then said that he really wanted to see me as soon as possible, which was so cute.

Long story short, we ended up phoning/face-timing for 4 hours last night (until 3am) and I loved it. I actually really hate phoning, but we just talked and talked and talked. And I loved hearing his voice. And I got the butterflies every now and then when I realised what was happening.

So I’m crossing my fingers that this will turn out to be something good. I think it is so different to all the other stories, because I’ve known him for so long (although I have never seen him before). We have a past, which is weird. And I trust him. Even when he didn’t reply to me on Tuesday anymore about the date, I never got angry for the reason of mistrusting him (like I did with Yavin). I knew there was a reason to it.

Anyway. He asked if I would come over to his place this weekend, as his dad is out of the house – if he was finished with his paper till Friday. And I got so excited about it. I am so excited to see him and finally be able to touch him. I really do want to just hug him, out of all of this, I am looking forward to this the most. Is this weird? I know I have already fallen for that guy and I hate it. But whilst we were face-timing yesterday I saw it in his face that he felt the same.

I am so excited about where this’ll take us… I’m trying very hard not to get my hopes up though.