date set!

Each time I type up a post these days, I feel like I haven’t talked to you guys in ages, when in reality it has only been 2.5 weeks. I can’t really say lots has happened, but I felt like updating you nevertheless. I actually wanted to let you know yesterday when something happened, but for the one time in forever I left my notebook at school.

So, I haven’t heard from Gohan since we saw each other those 2.5 weeks ago. I don’t really care, I just found it funny… he said before we said goodbye, that he enjoyed talking to me and will try to keep the contact up. Well, we all see how much truth was in these words, so there’s that.

Then there’s a new guy. I’m not sure yet if he deserves a name on here, but we will find out soon enough. Paraplegic.
Yes, he is exactly that. But let me start from the beginning. A few weeks ago I reactivated my Tinder or rather created a new profile. I talked to a lot of guys – I mean a lot! I didn’t create the profile in the hope of finding anyone, but just being able to talk to someone when I’m bored. So.

On August 12th he texted me a simple small talk text and we got into talking. It wasn’t like I was all over him, but he had sparked my interest, especially when he told me about his accident when he broke a vortex and wasn’t able to walk. As many of you may know, I work as a nurse and therefore have been working with these kind of people every now and then. I was not sure if I could bear having a boyfriend in a wheelchair, but soon enough found out that he was able to walk again.
We texted back an forth and the very next day he asked, if we could switch to texting. Which I obviously was all in (I f*ckin hate the Tinder app!). The texting was on and off, some days he would text me or simply not reply to my questions and so on. It made me lose interest in him, although he seemed pretty perfect on paper (he’s good looking, intelligent, searches for the same things in a relationship, wants a family soonish and so on – only down side: yet another guy I have to drive 1.5 hours to), I wasn’t up for a chase or a stupid game like that.

Pretty much in the beginning (still on Tinder) he asked if I was up for meeting. I said that, yes I was, but needed to get to know someone first before I would. A few days later he said something along the lines of “well you don’t want to date, so…” I explained once more that I hadn’t said no. When I then asked for a date, he simply stated that ‘it’s not that easy to get a date’ with him. Oh well, excuse me King. So I didn’t ask again obviously. He has the habit of simply not reacting to an open question, and I couldn’t be bothered to really care at some point.
At some point last week we talked about seeing each other again. I told him I was free this weekend, to which he said “I thought you had to learn?” which I actually had to, but would have canceled. He simply didn’t reply anymore, so that was off. And I told myself not to bother anymore trying to get him to date me. What’s the point?!

Then happened Monday. I was out with my friends, getting drunk. I hadn’t texted him all day for above reason. When I’m drunk, I text everyone. So I messaged him as well. I had taken my final exams on Monday and he predicted what mark I would get (which was pretty high), and I was like “thought I needed some private lessons with you?” (he’s said so a few days prior).  To which he replied, that I could still get them on free terms. I asked him for what topic and he asked where I needed help. I said I would definitely find some topics. Him: “I’m happy about that, else you wouldn’t need me 😉 ” to which I said: I guess you can be used for more things than that. Of course he asked what for and I said “hmm.. discuss, cuddle and having fun?!” (bear in mind, by then I was pretty drunk).
All of a sudden he opened up again and asked if we could see each other during the weeks as well (since he knew I wasn’t available this coming weekend). I really don’t know where this came from, but somehow we have settled for this Thursday evening.

I was very surprised about this. Let me tell you, I’m trying to not get my hopes up, he still has 2 days to cancel OR not turn up at all. But he has been very talkative since, which he hasn’t been before. He also seems a bit flirtatious with me, which is so unusual for him (did tell him so).
I am happy and excited though. The first date in so long (the last real date I remember was with Stan… so that has been a while (2 years or so)). I’ll update you when I know more.

PS: Haven’t heard from Doc in 3 weeks or so


guess who showed up?

As you all know by now, whenever I don’t post much, there simply is nothing to talk about. Alan has still vanished from this my world, which is fine for me. Doc is away for a month now and hasn’t texted in a week, which is absolutely fine as well. Have somewhat gotten over the idea anyway.

What is new though: I’m going out with Gohan tonight. I know. I don’t know where this has come from either. I don’t think many remember him. We dated a while back, I guess about 5-7 years but will have to read back on that story. We had sex once and then just stopped seeing each other for whatever reason – I can’t recall.

Well, last week I bumped into him. Not so much physically, because I didn’t actually talk to him because I only realised too late and he didn’t notice me. But I did let him know by text and he said it was a pity I didn’t talk to him, because it would have been fun. To which I replied we could meet up anyway and not only have to see each other whenever we occasionaly bump into each other. I mean we haven’t seen each other on purpose since we dated back in 2012 (I have read back on it now). Last night he asked whether I was free tonight, so yes. I am going out with him.

I have absolutely no idea what to expect. He told me that he has gotten very antisocial and needed some friends to get out of the house. I have been pretty much the same over the last few years (or actually… I have always been like that), so it seemed perfect to me. He understands what I go through. And we have always been on good terms, even after we ‘broke up’.

I don’t expect anything to happen tonight, but I am somewhat curious. Everything is so open and everything could happen. We’re both single, we know each other, we’re weird. I do think we’ll just catch up on these last few years and definitely will have a good talk. But there’s a subtle nervousity in me, because we used to date. And now that I have been reading back on a few posts I wrote about him, a weird feeling has shown itself again. I do not think we’ll kiss or anything, but there has always been a connection between the two of us. We’ll see. I’ll let you know how it went!

On a whole other topic: Ken and I are talking again. He actually texted me this morning, telling me that he’d found a hair from me on his handcuffs. Well, where did that come from? Haha, he has a new girlfriend, so I’m not sure why he is telling me this. I mean it has been 2 years. But whatever. Thanks for the info, I guess. 😀

holidays did me well!

I’m back, who guessed? Have been for a few days actually, but it didn’t pop up in my mind to update you guys. I am sorry about that. So here comes a quick one:

I didn’t have internet for the 10 days I was abroad. Well, I could have, but decided against it – as I remembered how good it did me when Alan broke up with me (or whatever you would call this). I turned it on after 4 days as I had to read back some stuff and therefore got all the messages in as well. Of course I couldn’t NOT read them.
I received a text from Doc, which actually kept me happy all throughout my holidays – and still does:

You didn’t scare me off 🙂 don’t worry. I do very much like to text with you and if an opportunity turns up, we can go for a drink some time.

I actually can’t quite translate his wording, as there’s no translation for a particular word. It’s more like “we can go for a drink once”, but that doesn’t sound quite right either. And I don’t know how to interpret it. So I simply didn’t.
I was happy, because he said just like that, that he likes to text with me very much. Which shows me that he really does enjoy it. And that my feelings have been wrong. I watched a video today, that told us that we always see our own insecurities in others. I need to stop interpreting things how I would word them. I have asked him way too many times about this, and he kept saying that he enjoys talking to me. I need to turn my interpretations off for this one.

Whilst being away for 10 days I had time to let go. I figured that if we meet in 6 months or maybe a year, that’s fine, too. I don’t always have to rush things. Maybe we’ll stay friends. Maybe the texting will subside somewhen and we won’t even talk anymore – even less date. That’s all very fine. I do like this guy, I’m not gonna lie. And he seems like a genuine good guy. But what is so wrong about having patience and really getting to know someone? I don’t always have to date them right away. Maybe he’s interested in me, maybe he’s not. What if we just get to know each other, without that thought in the back of our minds?
It’s something that I have struggled with all my life, and which usually was the reason why my relationships lasted only a few months, because once I got to know them, I realised I didn’t like what I got as much as I thought. With Momo I got to know him for 2 months before we actually started dating with our mind set to more than friendship with benefits. And it turned out to be the best relationship I’ve ever had.
Also I’m quite content with being alone, without bothering to care for someone else besides me. I have a lot going on with an upcoming surgery on my cervix, my last year of university and just personal things. So maybe I just need to focus on myself for the time being and see where the future leads me. Why does it always have to be about boys? Right, it doesn’t! And that’s what I’ve learned over the past 10 days away.

no match?!

The longer I ‘know’ Dan, the more I fear that we will not really match. There’s a few things that I have noticed lately and I need to get it off my chest.

One – and probably the most important for me – is, that he never asks about me. He talks about himself all the time. It’s always about him. And whilst I am not one to seek for attention all the time, I do like when a man shows interest in me or my life. I don’t think he has ever asked me a question about my life, all he does ask is what I am currently doing and then that’s it. I gave him a few opportunities to start up a dialogue, but he never does. Simple example: I texted him this morning that I went to the movies yesterday. He didn’t say anything about it, not asking what I was seeing, with whom I went, or if the movie was any good. Just nothing. As I said, I don’t need the attention all the time, but I need some interest. All he ever wants from me is, asking if I miss him or want to kiss him, but no daily questions. I was at the doctors and showed him a picture of me getting an infusion. Nothing. Just. Plain. Nothing.

He has been in Japan for a week now and will stay another one. Of course it’s hard with the time difference, but we do text when we are online. But once more, it’s all about his adventure, no questions about my well-being. I understand, he is abroad, it’s interesting. But really?
I have booked my holidays to his city for October 25th and I let him know. The first thing he asked was, whether I would be sleeping at his apartment although I had just told him I booked the hotel already (he never listens to what I say). I explained to him, that I arranged with my friend that I could spend a day with him without her, but that’d be all he’d get. I was actually glad my friend asked me to stay and leave with her. It would have been awkward to stay at his house, if it doesn’t match. I am curious how this will end up, spending the time with him now that I am not so keen on this whole situation anymore. But we’ll see. Don’t get me wrong, I would really like this to work out, I really do. It feels like a fairytale… but then life is no fairytale and my emotions tell me different. But right now I don’t think it will work out whatsoever, yet I want it to have a chance. Who knows? Maybe I’m thinking too much again, or just overreacting.

Since he has been in Japan, he has also been drunk a lot. You guys know how much I hate alcohol, so you’ll understand. I told him several times not to text me when he’s drunk but he keeps doing so. Yesterday – once more – I felt the need to tell him what was going on, because I was so annoyed by him… so I sent him the following text:

I wanted to let you know a few things: 1. you may or may not have noticed that I have a problem with alcohol. I don’t care when you go out partying, but please do not text me when you’re drunk. I don’t know why, but I hate drunk people. And you do not have to ask me anything when it comes to alcohol. I already told you several times that I do not drink and I mean it, it’s a fact. I don’t care what everyone does around me, I just don’t drink and don’t plan to.
2. I would really like if you listened to what I say. I have told you certain things several times, but you don’t seem to take any interest in it. It feels like you don’t care or just don’t read what I write. You just asked me 5 minutes ago what I was doing and now asked again, as if I did another thing now. So I really don’t like writing anymore and that’s why I stopped texting you so much.
3. I’m no romantic. I do find it cute every now and then, but not all the time. Of course I’m happy to know that you miss me, but you don’t have to tell me 5 times a day. Same as with the ‘I love you’ it just loses its effect on me when told several times a day. But then, that’s just me.

You know, I feel like this was pretty straight forward, right? I expected him to say something about it. All I got back from him was “ok, now I know. And yes I did notice that you texted less and backed away. I’m in the hotel now.” Really? That’s all I’m gonna get? I just texted you a billion words and you let me know that you noticed and where you currently are? That’s what I mean with not caring about me. He doesn’t. It’s all about him, and I really dislike this. He went on to tell me that he messed up again (oh, you’re not gonna get pity, boy) and then went straight back to flirting afterwards. As if nothing ever happened. Why do I even bother telling him? I don’t know. Maybe because I learnt to talk about my emotions.

This reminds me a lot of a mix between Ken and Stan. Not listening and then when I get angry being all sappy. I really don’t know what to do about this behaviour. I have started to back away, not react to certain things, but he doesn’t seem to care. As long as he can talk about himself. I’m not sure if things will change once he’s back home. I don’t expect it to, other than being bombarded with texts more again. But it’s just weird. I also get pictures of him every day, and whilst it’s nice to see him, I don’t need that every day. I get that you’re proud of what you look like, but do I really want a guy like that? I don’t think so.

I don’t know what to feel, or do, or think about any of this.


help me decide, please.

D hasn’t contacted me yet. And I actually don’t expect him to do so anymore. I have come to accept this, and it has made me be on facebook a lot more than I used to, so I actually got to talk to some long lost friends again, which is a good thing I guess (I befriended 2 old schoolfriends again, who are actually friends of D as well, so that’s what made me start this). Stalking at its finest.

I – however – still don’t know what to do from here. I am back to work tomorrow, but I don’t expect him to still be there. I would be utterly surprised if he were. I’ve had 5 days to think about this without being interrupted or anywhere close to him, which was a lot of time. I have come to accept this situation, but I still don’t know if I should act on my feeling or just leave it be.
I am okay with him not sending me a message, I really am. I can live on without him, no doubt. I got the distance I need to start make him fade. But. If I do think about our interactions I still feel fuzzy. Do I want to forget about him?…
Maybe it wasn’t meant to be, but will I be angry with myself if I don’t give it a try? Regret is not something I can deal with very well… and I don’t really have to lose a lot, do I? So messaging him on facebook wouldn’t hurt anyone, would it? Maybe he won’t even reply so things would be done.

I’ll see how things go tomorrow and probably until the weekend. Maybe I will then text him. Maybe not. Maybe he’ll come to visit. Maybe I won’t ever see him again. Who really knows?

What do you guys think I should do? Leave it be or message him?

Still here, at least passively.

It’s been a while, huh?… This is not going to be lengthy, I just wanted to let you know that I am still alive.

My mind has been at a much better place in these last few weeks. I don’t feel as lonely anymore although I still do have the wish to leave this country. For some reason Stan has also slipped back into my mind more often, but I usually just push these thoughts away.

There’s no new guy around whatsoever and I am also not interested in finding one. I do talk to guys at work and that’s about as close as I get to a romance. And I am more than okay about that fact.

However. These last couple of days I have been missing Crush again. He has not replied to my last message for an entire month now. For some reason I do expect him to reply somewhen, so I don’t really want to bother him anyway. But maybe he’s forgotten about me?! I have also been thinking about if I really should book my holidays at the end of October. I’m sure he would be happy to see me again, but is it worth the effort (and money)? I don’t know. I still have a month to think about it.

How’s all your life going?

Crush forgot about me.

I went through pretty much every scenario with Crush whilst waiting on his message. What if he said this or that? What if he never read the message? Or he blocked me? What if he never wants to see me? What if he likes me back? Is there a chance? How can we chat when he only has one day off per week? Will he be happy when I return in October? Will he even still be there? Would I tell him these things to his face? I would definitely want to say goodbye this time around? But what if he doesn’t want to see me and ignores me? I would fly over there for nothing..?

What I had never thought about is:
What if he reads my message and doesn’t reply?

I don’t know why I never expected him to NOT reply, I just did. I woke up this morning around 4am and went into my facebook chats. Whoever knows why? And saw that he read it. No reply to it though. And I knew I wouldn’t get a reply later on as well. I just knew.
It took him a long time to reply the last time, when there was still a chance to talk in person. And he was so happy about my message, I guess that’s what I was hoping for. That he would be so grateful again that he’d be happy. He was so happy about anything I did. You should have seen his face, when I told him that I sang karaoke for him and he wasn’t there. It was freaking cute.

He’s not the guy to play around, so maybe that’s why I didn’t expect this. And somehow I am not as disappointed as I should be, because maybe… deep down I knew this would happen. I didn’t expect a fairytale love story out of this, I knew the chance to ever meet him again was tiny… yet I wanted to let him know how I felt about him. And yes, I did want to hear it back. But he probably was just being nice to me – just like any other girl he met. Nothing special. So I feel weird about telling him my feelings now, yes I do. But I can’t take it back and it’s okay. Because they were true. And I don’t feel bad about things that I truly felt. I’m sad to not meet him ever again. And to not talk to him, because he really has a special place in my heart for whoever knows the reason.
Yes, maybe there is still a tiny little hope left in me that I will get a reply somewhen. But I don’t expect him to. Sadly.

Come one girl, get over yourself.