guess who showed up?

As you all know by now, whenever I don’t post much, there simply is nothing to talk about. Alan has still vanished from this my world, which is fine for me. Doc is away for a month now and hasn’t texted in a week, which is absolutely fine as well. Have somewhat gotten over the idea anyway.

What is new though: I’m going out with Gohan tonight. I know. I don’t know where this has come from either. I don’t think many remember him. We dated a while back, I guess about 5-7 years but will have to read back on that story. We had sex once and then just stopped seeing each other for whatever reason – I can’t recall.

Well, last week I bumped into him. Not so much physically, because I didn’t actually talk to him because I only realised too late and he didn’t notice me. But I did let him know by text and he said it was a pity I didn’t talk to him, because it would have been fun. To which I replied we could meet up anyway and not only have to see each other whenever we occasionaly bump into each other. I mean we haven’t seen each other on purpose since we dated back in 2012 (I have read back on it now). Last night he asked whether I was free tonight, so yes. I am going out with him.

I have absolutely no idea what to expect. He told me that he has gotten very antisocial and needed some friends to get out of the house. I have been pretty much the same over the last few years (or actually… I have always been like that), so it seemed perfect to me. He understands what I go through. And we have always been on good terms, even after we ‘broke up’.

I don’t expect anything to happen tonight, but I am somewhat curious. Everything is so open and everything could happen. We’re both single, we know each other, we’re weird. I do think we’ll just catch up on these last few years and definitely will have a good talk. But there’s a subtle nervousity in me, because we used to date. And now that I have been reading back on a few posts I wrote about him, a weird feeling has shown itself again. I do not think we’ll kiss or anything, but there has always been a connection between the two of us. We’ll see. I’ll let you know how it went!

On a whole other topic: Ken and I are talking again. He actually texted me this morning, telling me that he’d found a hair from me on his handcuffs. Well, where did that come from? Haha, he has a new girlfriend, so I’m not sure why he is telling me this. I mean it has been 2 years. But whatever. Thanks for the info, I guess. 😀

holidays did me well!

I’m back, who guessed? Have been for a few days actually, but it didn’t pop up in my mind to update you guys. I am sorry about that. So here comes a quick one:

I didn’t have internet for the 10 days I was abroad. Well, I could have, but decided against it – as I remembered how good it did me when Alan broke up with me (or whatever you would call this). I turned it on after 4 days as I had to read back some stuff and therefore got all the messages in as well. Of course I couldn’t NOT read them.
I received a text from Doc, which actually kept me happy all throughout my holidays – and still does:

You didn’t scare me off 🙂 don’t worry. I do very much like to text with you and if an opportunity turns up, we can go for a drink some time.

I actually can’t quite translate his wording, as there’s no translation for a particular word. It’s more like “we can go for a drink once”, but that doesn’t sound quite right either. And I don’t know how to interpret it. So I simply didn’t.
I was happy, because he said just like that, that he likes to text with me very much. Which shows me that he really does enjoy it. And that my feelings have been wrong. I watched a video today, that told us that we always see our own insecurities in others. I need to stop interpreting things how I would word them. I have asked him way too many times about this, and he kept saying that he enjoys talking to me. I need to turn my interpretations off for this one.

Whilst being away for 10 days I had time to let go. I figured that if we meet in 6 months or maybe a year, that’s fine, too. I don’t always have to rush things. Maybe we’ll stay friends. Maybe the texting will subside somewhen and we won’t even talk anymore – even less date. That’s all very fine. I do like this guy, I’m not gonna lie. And he seems like a genuine good guy. But what is so wrong about having patience and really getting to know someone? I don’t always have to date them right away. Maybe he’s interested in me, maybe he’s not. What if we just get to know each other, without that thought in the back of our minds?
It’s something that I have struggled with all my life, and which usually was the reason why my relationships lasted only a few months, because once I got to know them, I realised I didn’t like what I got as much as I thought. With Momo I got to know him for 2 months before we actually started dating with our mind set to more than friendship with benefits. And it turned out to be the best relationship I’ve ever had.
Also I’m quite content with being alone, without bothering to care for someone else besides me. I have a lot going on with an upcoming surgery on my cervix, my last year of university and just personal things. So maybe I just need to focus on myself for the time being and see where the future leads me. Why does it always have to be about boys? Right, it doesn’t! And that’s what I’ve learned over the past 10 days away.

no match?!

The longer I ‘know’ Dan, the more I fear that we will not really match. There’s a few things that I have noticed lately and I need to get it off my chest.

One – and probably the most important for me – is, that he never asks about me. He talks about himself all the time. It’s always about him. And whilst I am not one to seek for attention all the time, I do like when a man shows interest in me or my life. I don’t think he has ever asked me a question about my life, all he does ask is what I am currently doing and then that’s it. I gave him a few opportunities to start up a dialogue, but he never does. Simple example: I texted him this morning that I went to the movies yesterday. He didn’t say anything about it, not asking what I was seeing, with whom I went, or if the movie was any good. Just nothing. As I said, I don’t need the attention all the time, but I need some interest. All he ever wants from me is, asking if I miss him or want to kiss him, but no daily questions. I was at the doctors and showed him a picture of me getting an infusion. Nothing. Just. Plain. Nothing.

He has been in Japan for a week now and will stay another one. Of course it’s hard with the time difference, but we do text when we are online. But once more, it’s all about his adventure, no questions about my well-being. I understand, he is abroad, it’s interesting. But really?
I have booked my holidays to his city for October 25th and I let him know. The first thing he asked was, whether I would be sleeping at his apartment although I had just told him I booked the hotel already (he never listens to what I say). I explained to him, that I arranged with my friend that I could spend a day with him without her, but that’d be all he’d get. I was actually glad my friend asked me to stay and leave with her. It would have been awkward to stay at his house, if it doesn’t match. I am curious how this will end up, spending the time with him now that I am not so keen on this whole situation anymore. But we’ll see. Don’t get me wrong, I would really like this to work out, I really do. It feels like a fairytale… but then life is no fairytale and my emotions tell me different. But right now I don’t think it will work out whatsoever, yet I want it to have a chance. Who knows? Maybe I’m thinking too much again, or just overreacting.

Since he has been in Japan, he has also been drunk a lot. You guys know how much I hate alcohol, so you’ll understand. I told him several times not to text me when he’s drunk but he keeps doing so. Yesterday – once more – I felt the need to tell him what was going on, because I was so annoyed by him… so I sent him the following text:

I wanted to let you know a few things: 1. you may or may not have noticed that I have a problem with alcohol. I don’t care when you go out partying, but please do not text me when you’re drunk. I don’t know why, but I hate drunk people. And you do not have to ask me anything when it comes to alcohol. I already told you several times that I do not drink and I mean it, it’s a fact. I don’t care what everyone does around me, I just don’t drink and don’t plan to.
2. I would really like if you listened to what I say. I have told you certain things several times, but you don’t seem to take any interest in it. It feels like you don’t care or just don’t read what I write. You just asked me 5 minutes ago what I was doing and now asked again, as if I did another thing now. So I really don’t like writing anymore and that’s why I stopped texting you so much.
3. I’m no romantic. I do find it cute every now and then, but not all the time. Of course I’m happy to know that you miss me, but you don’t have to tell me 5 times a day. Same as with the ‘I love you’ it just loses its effect on me when told several times a day. But then, that’s just me.

You know, I feel like this was pretty straight forward, right? I expected him to say something about it. All I got back from him was “ok, now I know. And yes I did notice that you texted less and backed away. I’m in the hotel now.” Really? That’s all I’m gonna get? I just texted you a billion words and you let me know that you noticed and where you currently are? That’s what I mean with not caring about me. He doesn’t. It’s all about him, and I really dislike this. He went on to tell me that he messed up again (oh, you’re not gonna get pity, boy) and then went straight back to flirting afterwards. As if nothing ever happened. Why do I even bother telling him? I don’t know. Maybe because I learnt to talk about my emotions.

This reminds me a lot of a mix between Ken and Stan. Not listening and then when I get angry being all sappy. I really don’t know what to do about this behaviour. I have started to back away, not react to certain things, but he doesn’t seem to care. As long as he can talk about himself. I’m not sure if things will change once he’s back home. I don’t expect it to, other than being bombarded with texts more again. But it’s just weird. I also get pictures of him every day, and whilst it’s nice to see him, I don’t need that every day. I get that you’re proud of what you look like, but do I really want a guy like that? I don’t think so.

I don’t know what to feel, or do, or think about any of this.


help me decide, please.

D hasn’t contacted me yet. And I actually don’t expect him to do so anymore. I have come to accept this, and it has made me be on facebook a lot more than I used to, so I actually got to talk to some long lost friends again, which is a good thing I guess (I befriended 2 old schoolfriends again, who are actually friends of D as well, so that’s what made me start this). Stalking at its finest.

I – however – still don’t know what to do from here. I am back to work tomorrow, but I don’t expect him to still be there. I would be utterly surprised if he were. I’ve had 5 days to think about this without being interrupted or anywhere close to him, which was a lot of time. I have come to accept this situation, but I still don’t know if I should act on my feeling or just leave it be.
I am okay with him not sending me a message, I really am. I can live on without him, no doubt. I got the distance I need to start make him fade. But. If I do think about our interactions I still feel fuzzy. Do I want to forget about him?…
Maybe it wasn’t meant to be, but will I be angry with myself if I don’t give it a try? Regret is not something I can deal with very well… and I don’t really have to lose a lot, do I? So messaging him on facebook wouldn’t hurt anyone, would it? Maybe he won’t even reply so things would be done.

I’ll see how things go tomorrow and probably until the weekend. Maybe I will then text him. Maybe not. Maybe he’ll come to visit. Maybe I won’t ever see him again. Who really knows?

What do you guys think I should do? Leave it be or message him?

Still here, at least passively.

It’s been a while, huh?… This is not going to be lengthy, I just wanted to let you know that I am still alive.

My mind has been at a much better place in these last few weeks. I don’t feel as lonely anymore although I still do have the wish to leave this country. For some reason Stan has also slipped back into my mind more often, but I usually just push these thoughts away.

There’s no new guy around whatsoever and I am also not interested in finding one. I do talk to guys at work and that’s about as close as I get to a romance. And I am more than okay about that fact.

However. These last couple of days I have been missing Crush again. He has not replied to my last message for an entire month now. For some reason I do expect him to reply somewhen, so I don’t really want to bother him anyway. But maybe he’s forgotten about me?! I have also been thinking about if I really should book my holidays at the end of October. I’m sure he would be happy to see me again, but is it worth the effort (and money)? I don’t know. I still have a month to think about it.

How’s all your life going?

Crush forgot about me.

I went through pretty much every scenario with Crush whilst waiting on his message. What if he said this or that? What if he never read the message? Or he blocked me? What if he never wants to see me? What if he likes me back? Is there a chance? How can we chat when he only has one day off per week? Will he be happy when I return in October? Will he even still be there? Would I tell him these things to his face? I would definitely want to say goodbye this time around? But what if he doesn’t want to see me and ignores me? I would fly over there for nothing..?

What I had never thought about is:
What if he reads my message and doesn’t reply?

I don’t know why I never expected him to NOT reply, I just did. I woke up this morning around 4am and went into my facebook chats. Whoever knows why? And saw that he read it. No reply to it though. And I knew I wouldn’t get a reply later on as well. I just knew.
It took him a long time to reply the last time, when there was still a chance to talk in person. And he was so happy about my message, I guess that’s what I was hoping for. That he would be so grateful again that he’d be happy. He was so happy about anything I did. You should have seen his face, when I told him that I sang karaoke for him and he wasn’t there. It was freaking cute.

He’s not the guy to play around, so maybe that’s why I didn’t expect this. And somehow I am not as disappointed as I should be, because maybe… deep down I knew this would happen. I didn’t expect a fairytale love story out of this, I knew the chance to ever meet him again was tiny… yet I wanted to let him know how I felt about him. And yes, I did want to hear it back. But he probably was just being nice to me – just like any other girl he met. Nothing special. So I feel weird about telling him my feelings now, yes I do. But I can’t take it back and it’s okay. Because they were true. And I don’t feel bad about things that I truly felt. I’m sad to not meet him ever again. And to not talk to him, because he really has a special place in my heart for whoever knows the reason.
Yes, maybe there is still a tiny little hope left in me that I will get a reply somewhen. But I don’t expect him to. Sadly.

Come one girl, get over yourself.

messing with my head!

Micah and I. A whole new story.
I am actually VERY keen on him. Like ridiculously keen. I like his intelligence, his humour and just the way he talks texts. I am also very fond of him asking to see me. He was fooling around asking to see me on Saturday, but I’m actually busy for the next 2 weeks, which is a bugger. I know that this could all be different in real life, and that’s why I’m trying to tell myself not to get any hopes up. What if there’s no chemistry in real life between the two of us?!

However cute he is talking to me, and tells me he likes me a lot, he also has this side on him, where he keeps coming back to the sexual talk. I’m totally not interested in anything just-sexual and I told him so. We all know how I ended up with the last guy I let my horny self take over (not only did I get my heart broken and stamped on, I also got chlamydia).
Whenever I tell him off he usually stops being so talkative. I have tried ignoring him, but really… I miss him quickly. What really bothers me is, he was a bit inconsistent about his opinion on sex. He did say that he was old enough not to just be fooling around with several girls anymore. But then whenever we would talk about a date, he did say that we’d end up in bed, which I told him we definitely will not. I told him I am no girl for just a bit of fun for once and then we’re done. To which he said “I don’t care about sex, if it’ll happen it’ll happen”. Also when I said I wasn’t to “have fun with” he said: “I don’t want to just have fun either”, like what do you want then?
So I’m trying to stay off and see how he’s behaving over the next couple of weeks and meet up with him. Yes, I very much would like to kiss him, and really do miss the sex. But I am really not ready to get hurt used for sex again.

He is also very moody. Like he’d say that he really likes me and wants to see me, to which I said I want to see him too. “If you didn’t want to, it wouldn’t be that devastating either”, which to me sounds like he doesn’t care whether we see eachother or not. Then a day later he says “I would kiss you immediately if you were here” and 5 minutes later he’s like “I don’t have any hope.” Is he trying to not get his feelings involved – just like me?

I was also a bit… confused because it said in his profile that he never wanted kids, so I asked him (because as you might know, this is a huge problem for me) he then said that he wanted kids if it felt right with the girl. Then a day later I asked again and he said he was too old for kids. Like, what?

The conversation has subsided immensely since I told him I’d given up on telling him that he will not get me into bed. But he also said that he’s been busy so I just let him know to text me when he’s free again. This hasn’t happened yet. Not sure what to expect. I just fucking hate how much I already like this guy and I can’t seem to forget about him. Man. So not ready to get hurt again. Or vulnerable for that matter.