holidays

back from Dubai!

I’m back from holidays. Have been for a while, but since I caught the flu on Tuesday and have been in bed ever since, I wasn’t in the mood to write. Still am not, but gotta update this page on a few things.

I had such a good time in Dubai! I mostly forgot about P and really was happy for the first time in a while without any worries. I needn’t worry whether he had texted or how he meant what he wrote, because I simply couldn’t see if he texted me at all. That took the edge completely off. I needn’t worry about anything.

I did not end up texting him before my flight took off when I left on the 22nd (because I accidentally bumped into Ken at the airport, which is a whole other story in itself *lol*), so we had been on non-contact since 3 days, because he simply didn’t text me anymore. Nothing new here. When I returned last week, I got a few messages of him he sent me on the 23rd (although he knew I’d left the day before). He wished me a nice holiday and “don’t go too wild ^^ like, without me…
I found this funny, just the way he worded that. So when I returned a week later I told him I was back and that I’ve had a nice week. We texted a bit (him mainly telling me that it’s normal to get proposed to down there – which is true). I sent him a picture to which he didn’t say much, so I let him be and went abroad once more (although I had internet there).

Then was my birthday on Tuesday. I didn’t hear from him for 3 days (until I texted him again). I did not expect him to remember my birthday, since I only told him once. It would have been cute, but I wasn’t mad at him for that. Once again the conversation didn’t flow too long.
I texted him AGAIN the day after. We texted a little and I wanted test our ground. I wasn’t able to tell how he was feeling towards us, so I said “so could you stop thinking of me, since I can’t stop sneezing for 3 days…?!” (being playful and all) to which he replied “maybe it’s a guy from your holidays, not me 😅” – now that I read it again, he might not have meant it the way I took it, but I’m not sure.
That definitely wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but was pretty straight forward telling me he was not thinking about me, I guess. I just said “well that has been pretty clear, good night then”. I was pissed. Really pissed. He just asked whether I was tired already and sent that emoji: 🙈. I replied “no”. For me it sounded like he hadn’t been thinking about me, but now a few days later, maybe he suggested it could be someone else apart from him?! I don’t know.
Did not get anything back and knew I would not get anything at all. So I went to sleep.

The next day I texted him again (will I ever learn?). We had a brief conversation. He kept it up. Sent me videos of his fireworks he was doing. We talked about my phobia. He told me I should come along once he does one, so I can face my fears – I didn’t react to it, since I knew he wasn’t serious about it. This time I was the one not to reply to his emojis, there was no need to.
I asked myself whether he was talking like that to all the girls. I really can’t tell and therefore have no idea where I stand.

So, what do I make of this? I don’t know. I have mostly given up on the hope of us working out. I’m glad I could gain some distance whilst being abroad. I have not gotten any sort of affection from him whatsoever since I’ve been back. I was devastated on Thursday, but then I realised that it was okay. I knew beforehand that this would happen. The more distance we put between us, the worse it’ll get. And it’s okay. I will have him as a friend for now and if he ever decides he wants to see me again or take a step forward, then I am very happy to be here. But I can’t just wait on him, and do all the work of keeping the contact. It is a loss of course, I remember how perfect everything felt to me… but if he doesn’t share this opinion, there’s no need to pursue a relationship on my behalf. Maybe the timing was wrong, maybe we simply weren’t meant to be. Or maybe he just needs some more time.
I’ll “move on”. Keep him in my life as a friend for now and see where things are leading.

 

On a whole other level: my exboyfriend turned up again. Nope, not Alan. One that has been long before I started that blog (I had my first real kiss with him when I was 14, so you see). He always remembers my birthday ever since we’ve known each other, which is cute. It’s usually around these times we talk, but then the contact decreases again. For some reason he invited himself over to my place and he’ll be around in 3 weeks. It’s weird, but I’m somewhat excited to see him again (it’s been 6 years since I last seen him).
Also Kenny is back. On my behalf. I had been thinking of him lately and I figured I could just text him (mainly about the sneezing part, because he was the one starting that game). Who knows what all of this will bring – I am not interested in dating, don’t get me wrong. It would feel so bad for me, since my heart still lays with P although I don’t want to. But there’s no harm in getting attention somewhere else, right?

Plus my encounter with Ken. I was waiting with a friend to check in, when someone called my last name. I got really anxious, because I thought I had done something wrong until I looked at the person that called and recognised Ken. He found it very funny that I was so shocked and we had a short banter. It was nice to see him and took off some of the anxiety I had been experiencing (always do on airports).

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holidays

I didn’t want to make a post, but then I figured, you guys will not hear from me in 2 weeks, so why not one last update before I leave for holidays tomorrow?

The last few days it has been on my part again to start the conversation. He does show interest, but he’s not keeping it up constantly, which is totally fine.
After he’d sent me a really cute picture last Wednesday, I sent one back on Thursday – figuring I could be mean as well. Although I did not know if it would have the same effect on him – I doubt it. I didn’t hear anything for the longest time and then got a “thanks 🙂 “… well that was a disappointment. I had hoped to get something… anything.

The conversation then led to me going away. He didn’t know how long I’d be away, so I told him when he asked. He did say “and what am I gonna do without you?”, which would have been cute if I hadn’t known it was not a flirt-try. I just said ‘the same thing like the last few weeks’ and he simply said “no” and didn’t answer when I asked what he was planning to do then.
I woke up around midnight after that and got mad when he hadn’t replied and said “party party, finally she’s gone”, he found this funny and said he wouldn’t do that because he was too old to party (since when?!). So I asked again what he was planning to do without me and he said “sleep”… I didn’t understand, because it’s not like he couldn’t sleep because I held him awake with phone calls or anything. I did ask again, but didn’t get an answer apart from “I can always sleep”, but no answer to what he’d do when I’m away or what he meant in the first place.

Last night I went out with the girls from class.. I got really upset by the evening, since everyone was drunk apart from me and I texted him. He was somewhat chatty again, but then all of a sudden stopped any sort of conversation since then. I didn’t text him again so far. Don’t know if I will before I leave tomorrow. He knows I leave, so it should be his part, right?!

However. I went to our first dating place today. It was… weird. At first I got all nervous before I got there, but once I stood there, I got calm and felt at peace. I just sat there for a while, enjoying the sun, the sound, the wind, just everything. I remembered things that I had forgotten about our first date. I realised how much of the scenery I did not take in, because I was so fixed upon P back then. But when I realised that I could not sit there forever, I got all sad. I did not want to leave, because to me it felt like leaving him behind. Leaving that last chance to find back together behind. Remembering also made me hope for reliving them at some later time and place.

I am terrified of what may come whilst I’m away. I know that some distance will do us good – especially him. He wants to get away, and that’s what he gets now. I wish he would find back to me though, that he misses me or rather us. I know his emotions are still there, but he just hides them and pushes them away whenever they turn up. I don’t know if I will ever see him again, I do not want to give up and driving away from our dating place made me realise more than ever. I can’t just give up. It hurt so much to give up on a idea of us somewhen being together. I hope he’ll keep his promise to meet up. I hope once we stand in front of each other, our spark will be “relit”. But not seeing each other for even longer isn’t exactly helping the chances of me to get him back to me.

I just hope the distance will help us and not bring us even farther apart.
But we will see.

another argument

Last week Alan and I had another argument. Well, argument actually is the wrong wording. It was more of a discussion. I asked him whether it would be okay if I went to the movies with Mr. Cucu, because we had to plan our holidays together afterwards.

Short story behind all this: I asked him pretty much in the beginning of getting to know him whether it would be okay if I went on holidays with Mr. Cucu for 2 weeks in summer. He said that it was okay back then (about 1 month ago). When I mentioned the holidays again last week, he asked whether Mr. Cucu had a girlfriend or not. I said “not that I know of”. He was just like “okay”, so I knew something was up.

I told him once more that if he wasn’t okay with me going on holidays with Mr. Cucu, he should let me know now, not once we’ve booked everything. He said that it didn’t bother him, he just has never been in that situation before. When I asked once more he said “I don’t want to ruin your holidays, but if you’re staying in the same room…… it’s not like I don’t trust you, it’s just weird for me.”

I tried to explain to him that I totally do understand his point of view and that I would not be okay if the situation were reversed. But also that Mr. Cucu was more like a brother to me, that we never cuddled or anything the like (which is true.. Although there once has been a time when I wanted to date him, this has long been gone. I actually never could have imagined actually kissing him, even during that time). He then just said “well there are rooms with twin beds, right?”

But somehow it just didn’t felt like we were done yet, so I said once more that I would understand if he told me not to go on holidays with him. He said “I already told you how I think about this. I trust you and I am not going to forbid anything, it’s just a weird situation for me.” I once more explained that I would not be angry and I did not see it as “forbidding”, that I wouldn’t have asked if I wouldn’t have changed a thing, right? I would have just said “I’m going on holidays with Mr. Cucu, I don’t give a fuck whether it bothers you” (pretty much like I did with Stan…) So he was saying that he didn’t want to intervene into this friendship. But that he would be okay, if he knew that we had a “healthy distance” and would not sleep in the same bed. That’s when I told him he should meet Mr. Cucu and see how we’re dealing with each other.

We did not talk about it again afterwards,… I did tell him that I wanted to talk about it again, until I actually had the feeling that he was okay with it. This hasn’t happened yet, BUT he has met Mr. Cucu last weekend and to me it felt like they were getting along. They will not become best friends, but they seem okay. So I’ll have to ask him again how he feels about the situation.

It’s really weird for me, to actually talk things out and not shout at each other and have no understanding whatsoever (like things went with Stan each time we argued). It’s great to actually have someone understanding and loving. That’s how it should have been all along, right?!

Offtopic: What was really cute and surprising: he actually remembered the date when we first met (I didn’t know by heart). We were talking about which day to take as our anniversary day (because let’s be honest, Valentine’s day sucks as an anniversary day) and I said we could take the day we met. But who cares really?! As long as we stay together 🙂

my safe haven.

Halfway through the year I set myself a new goal:

Leave my comfort zone!

How come? I have forever been the person to stay in save haven if I had the possibility to. If I have the choice, I usually will stay by myself and know that I don’t have to leave my comfort zone. That’s why I don’t go out, that I don’t go to events by myself, that I don’t do anything by myself actually. Because when other people are around, I feel safe. There’s someone who knows me, someone I feel safe with.

Let me give you two examples that have recently not happened:

One. When I was on holidays last month, there was karaoke. Now, I really love to sing. I sing all the time when I’m in my car. Or when I’m home. Or when I go on walks. But I never sing in front of people. I don’t know why, I just don’t like to. I know I’m not like a bad singer. I was in a choir for 3 years and took singing lessons for a year. I don’t have like an amazing voice, but I can sing along songs and use the correct notes. I don’t even sing in front of my mom. I did sing in front of Ken. But nobody else.
Anyway. Long story short: I was “forced” to karaoke on holidays (there were so many people trying to talk me into singing, that in the end I gave up and said yes). There were a lot of people. Well, in my opinion. There were about 50. And I was absolutely terrified. My legs were shaking like crazy. But I did it. And I was so proud afterwards. I got very nice comments from the animation team, although I am not sure whether they just said so or really thought it was nice. But I did it and I survived.

Two. I don’t like to leave my safe haven, when I don’t know what will happen. Today I really wanted to go to the beach, because I missed holidays so much and I knew I just needed to get to the water. Water means calm. But I felt like everybody would ask themselves why a girl my age was at the beach alone. They would all hang out with their friends and I’d be alone. So this thought actually almost held me back from going and get that comfort of the sea. But I did end up going anyway, I was trying to get out of my comfort zone. And as soon as I was at the beach, I was okay. Yes, there were a lot of groups of friends. But I sat there, reading, listening to music and just enjoying the sea. Sure, it also made me miss having these friends to just hang at the sea, but it was also okay to be there alone.

So my goal for the rest of this year is: to leave my comfort zone some more. If there’s something I can get out of the situation, I need to go and just not always stay in safe haven. And I needn’t always be forced into these kind of situations, but actually decide to go there by myself. Because:

lifebeginssmall

unexpected things do happen!

You will not believe what happened last night!

After I went to bed and being happy with the day I spent with Mr. Cucu, I woke up refreshed and more or less happy. I am so grateful for the friendship with Mr. Cucu and have been thinking about a relationship with him again. Something has shifted between us, I’m not sure if I’m just reading too much into the little things, but I have been at that stage before. There never was much personal stuff from his side. But he has asked me to his flat several times now and also tells me how much he misses to go on holidays with me. We rarely text when we feel down, which is weird for our friendship. Yet I know he’s always there. He also – for the first time – talked about his ex-girlfriend with me yesterday. So you know. It’s hard to describe our friendship, but I appreciate him.

Anyway.
I saw that my mobile phone was blinking when I woke up this morning and didn’t think much of it. Once I unlocked it, I saw that someone had messaged me on facebook. Still didn’t think much of it, because.. well it’s facebook, you know. Usually not much use.
Now, this is gonna sound very weird and stupid. But I did believe Crush would message me one day. And he did!
20160626_103432I just didn’t think he was that kind of guy to just ignore me or play with me. He was a genuinely nice guy and although he might have told other girls cute names, I just didn’t think he would play around like this. He is special, I felt it. So that probably was the reason why I was so sad about him not answering in the first place. Because I didn’t truly expect him to.
I still do not know why he never showed up when I left, but I won’t ask him either. The message he sent me is more than enough for me to be happy for now. “I wish that we meet again” was this wonderful sentence that totally made my day at 9am in the morning. Maybe he just said that because of my blabbering on and love-confession I sent him 2 weeks ago. Maybe he just didn’t want to disappoint me and that’s why he said that. I’ll never know. I don’t get my hopes up, but this is a very cute message.

So, I am happy. No, I still don’t believe in a fairytale, but it’s great to know that I have not all of a sudden vanished from his mind 🙂

life decisions.

You know that when your mind is occupied with a certain thing, you start noticing it all around you? I have been reading through some of my unread mails and found that a few are struggling with similar problems like me. Being stuck in daily life. Considering reaching your dreams. I just wanted to make a whole post about what’s going on in my mind, as it’s been one heck of a load lately.

As you know, I have been on holidays for 2 weeks at the end of May. I had a blast on these holidays, especially with the animation team. And that’s when an idea started to pop up in my head. Why not do something like that myself? I always wanted to work with people and that’s mainly how I came to study nursing. I love this job, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes it hard to be around sick people all the time when you yourself deal with a disease. I love helping them, making them feel better and having the medical knowledge I’m learning now. But I also loved being around happy people on holidays, distracting them and making them laugh. Just being happy and careless.

I love being in the sun. It was sunny 2 whole weeks and I got back home 2 weeks ago and it’s been raining all the time. And that’s depressing. Not just because it is raining, but the lack of sun is actually making your body react differently.
When I sat at the airport, waiting for the flight back home, I hated to hear my own mother language. I completely and utterly hated that language. I love English. I love French. I love Spanish. I love Italian. I love all these languages that don’t sound so harsh. But I hate my own. I still keep thinking in English and am struggling to find back into my mother tongue. Is that normal? I do not know.
I’ve always loved learning new languages and using them on holidays was great. Hearing a different language around every corner was just great. And people being happy and smiling and just… It was great, what more can I tell? It is just a complete other atmosphere, not only because it was holidays, but the people who live there as well. Much more open-minded, much more talkative.

And although I sometimes struggle to first talk to people, I love it. And when I’m abroad I do this. I talk to people. I don’t do that at home, because I know people are not used to being spoken to, if you don’t know them. And that’s what I long for. That’s why I’m okay right now being home, because at work in hospital I am forced to talk to these people, and they are okay with it.

What am I afraid of then? You might ask yourself. I have this plan on my mind. I’m done with uni in March 2018. Then I want to go into animations for at least a season over the summer. If I like it, I continue doing so. If I don’t, I go back into hospital to work – probably at home. If I like the country so much, I can look into a job there. I can combine these two professions. I can work over the winter in nursing back at home and go away over summer. It should work out.

But.

I am scared. I get used to situations so easily. I spent 2 weeks abroad, and it felt like home. So you can imagine how easily I get attached to places and people. How come I am not attached at home? I do not know. It’s just a fact. When I went abroad for 4 months, I never missed my friends or family. Not once. That’s not normal, is it?
So I am scared that in 2 years time when I actually can leave and go abroad, that I hesitate. That I will worry too much, and chicken out. I am always scared of new situations, but there’s no way around it. I am scared I will forget about how much I want to leave. Deep down I always know. But I “forgot” about it after I returned from Australia. I longed for it for probably 2 years. And then I just was okay being home. So what will happen in these next 2 years? Will I get used to home again? Or not?

I can’t control this. I can hold onto my dream or plans I made these last few days. But will I? I do not know. And it’s hard. Because nobody can make that decision for you and I feel like I have too little time to decide. I feel like every decision I make is the wrong one. And that’s what I’m struggeling most with right now. I did think about returning to my psychologist. But she can’t help either. It’s my life. And I need to decide what I want.

no more men for me!

You know, looking back onto my life… it has always been about boys/men.
In one of my previous posts I talked about how – for the first time in my entire life – I am not planning my future around a guy. And talking about my future plans with family and friends has just once more showed me, how everyone knows that I depended my future plans around a family all the time:

I told my school friends yesterday about probably emigrating after university. I also told them that I had great holidays. The most asked question was “so you met someone down there, right?”. Yes I did, dear friends. But although he has ‘dumped’ me, my plan is still to go over there after my studies. It’s not always about boys.
I also talked to my mother about these things and she just said – which is very true – that I had these plans before – when I returned from Australia. This is very true, and I did want to go again after my apprenticeship, but then I met Momo and was with him, so the plans just subsided. I did say that there might be a small chance I’ll have a boyfriend at the end of my studies again, but I am not depending my life decisions on the dream of finding someone during that time. If it happens, then great. If it doesn’t, there’s nothing holding me back from reaching for my dreams.
You know, both times the trigger was a boy. I’m not gonna lie. I had a boyfriend when I was in Australia and that’s mainly because I wanted to stay/go back. I met awesome guys when I was on holidays, so this is true. But. The itchy feet I get, is not about boys. It’s about feeling better abroad. It’s about not feeling home here. It’s about the atmosphere and the people around me. It’s about the language. And yes, it’s about getting away from my family also.

I also mentioned that I might go back to the same place at the end of October. I am not sure if I will go through with it, firstly because I’m having money issues (but I could manage), I do want to get away from everyone so it would be awesome… but then I don’t want to be there with the animation team already gone, because it would remind me so much of them. And also Chris would still be there, so you know. Problems ahead.
But I keep dreaming about Crush and the others, and it does bother me. It’s always about not getting a chance to say goodbye, so it’s really nagging on me. But I can’t change what my head decides to think of. And someday I will deal. And no, Crush still has not replied.

For now I’ll just live on. No men in sight, and not interested in any anyway. I can be happy with myself and I need to learn this. Like truly.
I have issues being alone right now, so I try to keep busy or people around me when I’m off work. Gladly I’m actually not off work a lot, so that’s a plus. I’m also staying busy, if I cannot be surrounded by people with studying or exercise. So that’s great.