holidays did me well!

I’m back, who guessed? Have been for a few days actually, but it didn’t pop up in my mind to update you guys. I am sorry about that. So here comes a quick one:

I didn’t have internet for the 10 days I was abroad. Well, I could have, but decided against it – as I remembered how good it did me when Alan broke up with me (or whatever you would call this). I turned it on after 4 days as I had to read back some stuff and therefore got all the messages in as well. Of course I couldn’t NOT read them.
I received a text from Doc, which actually kept me happy all throughout my holidays – and still does:

You didn’t scare me off 🙂 don’t worry. I do very much like to text with you and if an opportunity turns up, we can go for a drink some time.

I actually can’t quite translate his wording, as there’s no translation for a particular word. It’s more like “we can go for a drink once”, but that doesn’t sound quite right either. And I don’t know how to interpret it. So I simply didn’t.
I was happy, because he said just like that, that he likes to text with me very much. Which shows me that he really does enjoy it. And that my feelings have been wrong. I watched a video today, that told us that we always see our own insecurities in others. I need to stop interpreting things how I would word them. I have asked him way too many times about this, and he kept saying that he enjoys talking to me. I need to turn my interpretations off for this one.

Whilst being away for 10 days I had time to let go. I figured that if we meet in 6 months or maybe a year, that’s fine, too. I don’t always have to rush things. Maybe we’ll stay friends. Maybe the texting will subside somewhen and we won’t even talk anymore – even less date. That’s all very fine. I do like this guy, I’m not gonna lie. And he seems like a genuine good guy. But what is so wrong about having patience and really getting to know someone? I don’t always have to date them right away. Maybe he’s interested in me, maybe he’s not. What if we just get to know each other, without that thought in the back of our minds?
It’s something that I have struggled with all my life, and which usually was the reason why my relationships lasted only a few months, because once I got to know them, I realised I didn’t like what I got as much as I thought. With Momo I got to know him for 2 months before we actually started dating with our mind set to more than friendship with benefits. And it turned out to be the best relationship I’ve ever had.
Also I’m quite content with being alone, without bothering to care for someone else besides me. I have a lot going on with an upcoming surgery on my cervix, my last year of university and just personal things. So maybe I just need to focus on myself for the time being and see where the future leads me. Why does it always have to be about boys? Right, it doesn’t! And that’s what I’ve learned over the past 10 days away.


goodbye text to Yavin

As I mentioned in my last post, I did write up a text to send to Yavin but decided against it after a few days. I was talking to a friend the other day and she said that I should let my gut decide whether to send the text or not. I told her that I don’t see what I would reach with it, and she said it doesn’t matter whether there’s any outcome, but if my gut tells me to send it, I just should.

I went on with my day that day. Not thinking about that text no more. Yesterday evening I was laying in bed and reread that text and all of a sudden, I did have that gut feeling to send it. So I added some things and changed them up a  bit and sent the following text:

Hey Yavin… look, I actually didn’t want to text you no more and just see if there’s gonna be a text from you. Or how long it’ll take you. But it seems that won’t happen anymore. I’ve been thinking about whether to send this or not. In the end I don’t really have to lose or win anything at all. I just want to let you know a few things:

I’m disappointed in you. The first time in forever I actually thought, you would be different. I really was looking forward to seeing you, getting to know you. I liked to talk to you. And I believed everything you said to me. I let you be, when you didn’t text, I tried to give you time and still kept my hope and belief in you. Just for you to be pigeonholed like any other men. I’m not disappointed that you (seem to) not be interested anymore, but because you just couldn’t send me a short message saying “hey, I’m sorry but this is not what I’m looking for, let’s leave it be here”, but decided to ghost me instead. Searching for excuses why you couldn’t talk, set a date and not even cancel. I really thought you would have more respect. I would have understood and accepted your decision, if you just could have been honest and tell me what your problem was. Like this I’m just not understanding and ask myself all the time, what I could have done different – although I didn’t do anything wrong in the first place.

You really have hurt me a lot with your behaviour and I hope you are aware of that.
Anyway, have a nice time and good night.

I’m not sure if I really can be neutral about it, but I feel like I have been fair enough and not been mean, just stating the facts about how I feel whilst not getting too emotional either. I turned my phone off, because as soon as the thought of actually sending it hit me, my heart started to race. I then went to bed. I even dreamt about that damn text, and that I got no reply back.

I guess my brain knew, before my heart accepted it. I woke up at 6am this morning and finally turned my phone back on. And although I knew there was a chance he wouldn’t react, I didn’t expect him not to. But then… my feeling about him has been wrong all along, why should I be right now?! So, there was no text waiting from him. I deleted his chat. Checked if he had unfriended me on any social media (not the case yet).

So after putting everything into it, I got nothing out of it. Again. But I think I can now move on. The anger is slowly resurfacing and that’s the stage I need to get to, to get over someone. Yes, I have lost a huge bunch of faith and hope into finding a guy again. I’m sick of seeing everybody in love around me. And all of them being so hopeful about love, telling me I will find someone someday when I least expect it. Blah, blah. Just the usual stuff you tell someone that is heartbroken….
But I need to get over my self-sorry ass and move on. I can live with myself, I have done so for the longest time. It shouldn’t be that hard to do so for another 40 years or so.

Goodbye Yavin. I guess it was nice will it lasted. Or maybe not.


I have been feeling like shit today. My mind has not stopped spinning. I just don’t know what to think, feel or expect anymore. I feel mad. And numb. Mainly because I’m upset with myself for finally trusting a guy since Stan… just to be hurt again. For being wrong about a person once more. For allowing hope to bubble up. For expecting him to be different.

I really don’t understand because he is so ambivalent. He tells me that he’s looking forward to seeing me (said so last week) and that he is interested.. but then does nothing to show so. Being so fucking distant, it’s driving me crazy.

I got a text from Yavin late last night. Our whole (!) conversation from yesterday:

[Me sending a poop emoticon]

Him: Going strong 😀

Me: What do you mean?

Him: Sending me your toilet plan

Me: Just thought I should check if it would get a reaction

Him [7hours later]: Haha, yeah yeah it did. I’m busy. Not using my phone that much when my daughter is here.

Me: okay 🙂

I totally get it. I really do. But it was Monday evening. How long does a quick “hi” take? As mentioned in my last post, he has not been keeping up the conversation at all for almost 3 weeks now… I would not complain if it had always been like that. But it hasn’t. We used to write fucking hige texts back and forth. And I have told him before how his lack of conversation was making me feel insecure (that’s when he assured me that he indeed is interested).

I also figured he was mad now. He has never written that way, using punctiations like that. Then I thought I might be paranoid and went back through our conversations. And he never did write like that. So something is up, I’m just not sure what. I mean I asked him a billion times what was going on, without ever getting an actual answer (despite busy or stressful or ill or whatever excuse was around the corner). And slowly I’m losing my trust and faith in the good in him. Although he seemed so perfect, maybe he figured that I wasn’t. Who knows really?

No message today either. I really don’t know what to think anymore. On one hand I don’t think he will dump me, he didn’t seem like that kind of guy. On the other hand I’m not even sure anymore if I want to see him in these circumstances, being that mad and just… distant. So desinterested. Or maybe he will dump me and I just thought of him better than he was? Maybe he has found someone else? Who the hell even knows what is going on in his head… I sure don’t.

I won’t text him. Not anymore. If he doesn’t message me about the time and place, so be it. I really do expect him to text me tomorrow evening at like 6pm for a specific time and place – as if nothing ever was weird. And I don’t know how this’ll make me feel if we do meet up. I want to tell him how I feel, but I also don’t want to be such a pain in the ass. I really don’t know if or what I should expect tomorrow. It probably would be better not to expect anything at all.

So I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. It’s driving me insane though. So insane.

On a bright side, I told myself today that if he really does dump me, I’m going to cut my hair off. Wanted to do so for a while now.

frustrated me

I need to tell you two news. Well, actually it’s just one news and something else I need/should/want to talk about.

First things first: Kenny texted me on Saturday morning letting me know that he broke up with his girlfriend for now. That was kind of unexpected. I did expect him to break up somewhen, but not a few days after talking to him about it – or rather the first opportunity he got when he saw her. He said that they would take a week off and see what’s going on. But just the way he talks, I don’t think they’ll get back together. But I’ll keep y’all updated of course.

How I feel about this?
I honestly don’t know. It was a mixture between fear and happiness when he told me. And I was super proud of him for doing what he told me he would do. I tried to cheer him up somewhat, but it’s hard without getting my emotions involved and what is going on in general. So there’s that.


As you all might know, I’m think I’m having the date with Yavin in 2 days. I am still very nervous – yet excited for it. And I tried to not think about it most of the last few days, because I got all nervous-butterfly-stomach ache when I did. Just this morning my friend asked me how I felt about it and I said that I was very excited.
However, we haven’t talked to each other since Friday. He hasn’t kept up the conversation once since probably 2 weeks. And although I said to my friend that I didn’t think about it – at least not negatively – tonight it got me thinking. I texted him. Again. We had a brief conversation, but then he didn’t reply again. I don’t know what is going on. Doesn’t he want to see me anymore? Is he just busy? But then he’s online all the time. It’s not that hard to text every once in a while. Right?!

I’m gonna let him be. If he texts me, fine. If he doesn’t, not fine. I’m just scared he won’t ask me about the exact time and place, so it means he doesn’t want to see me. I really don’t want to be dumped. It’s not like I am afraid he doesn’t like me, or is playing with me – I really don’t. But I’m starting to ask myself if I should be afraid. After all, I don’t know him that good.

Just a quick overview:

  • 6th January: he was sick, I told him to let me know if I could do anything and that I liked him. No more messages afterwards for over a week.
  • 14th January: me texting him to ask, if he was still alive and whether I should take it personally that he didn’t reply.
    He told me then “I’m gonna text you, going to bed now though. Bye”
  • 17th January: he texted me about an instagram picture of me and we had the longest conversation ever over the whole day. We were back to texting like we used to in the beginning and the conversation engaged until Wednesday (18th) till mid-afternoon when he all of a sudden stopped texting again.
  • 19th January: he texted me, because I was poking him on facebook to see if he was alive. Very short conversation about sex, then he stopped. Again.
  • 3 days later, today: still no reply, so I sent him an emoticon. Two short sentences of him and then no more reply to mine.

What the hell is going on? We used to talk all day long over the holidays. And he told me last Tuesday how much he loved talking to me.
This seriously is bothering me now. Has he lost interest? Or is it just because he’s back to work? But then he texted me all day long on Tuesday. I know he has access to his phone pretty much all the time. I understand when he spends the weekend with his daughter, so that’s why I didn’t text him. But just breaking off every fucking conversation out of nowhere and not starting a new one in a few days…? Seriously?! Even after I told him it was bothering me?

What the hell is going on?! And how should I react?

quick update on the boys

Two things happened yesterday after I wrote up that post:

  • Kenny did message me around midday, saying that he fell asleep the night before (which I actually don’t believe, because I did see that he was online at one point). We chatted back and forth, no asking of him if I would join the party… but then I didn’t really expect him to.
  • I texted Yavin in the afternoon, I just couldn’t bare the thought that he would slip through my fingers, when I had that urge to talk to him.

So long story short (it’s actually not long at all): I texted him saying:

Are you still alive or do I have to take it personally?

He replied pretty quickly that he was back to the living. So I said that I had to take it personally then and he said that I didn’t. I told myself to not get into that “self-pity” stage again, in which I hope for people to realise that they’ve hurt me without actually telling them… so this time, I simply told him. Our conversation went something like:
Him: How can I make up for it again?
Me: Well you could text me first for example.
Him: Sorry, I was ill until Thursday and had a lot of catching up to do.
Me: Well, shit happens I guess.
Him: So we’re not gonna talk to each other anymore then?
Me: I told you once before, that I am not gonna force you to write with me.
Him: That’s your own fault then. Sometimes I gotta be forced to see my luck.
Me: That’s not me though, I like when people actually want to talk to me and not be annoyed whenever I text.
Him: I’m happy whenever you do text me!

Lots of blahblah.. so in the end I told him that he should understand what this looked like. Me telling him that I liked him and then no more texts whatsoever. That everybody would ask themselves what they did wrong. To which he said that he totally understood and he was sorry.. and he would text me and we still had to grab a drink.

He said good night with the words that he will text me. Nothing till now, but we’ll see. I’m just glad I got it off my chest. Why ignore people and let them figure things out themselves, that they probably don’t even notice? Just tell these people what you feel like. It’s usually not that bad, right? I’m glad I did write. If he now decides to not text me again, so be it. I did all I could. I told him how I felt, I didn’t throw a tatrum. I let him have some time off. All is well.

But I’m not gonna ignore my gut that tells me he could be a perfect match again. Sometimes you gotta step over your pride and do something you probably wouldn’t do in another situation.

I hate the whole dating thing!

Here comes the weird thing. Remember how I said in my last post, that I feel like there’s a connection with Yavin?

We texted Wednesday back and forth when he went home from work, because he was very ill… we made some fun and I thought it was good to keep him in a good mood, helps to recover, right? All of a sudden he stopped texting me. No big deal. I knew that would happen. I also knew yesterday after I sent a certain text, that he would stop replying again. How come I feel like I know him, although I really don’t?!

He didn’t text me the next day. Or the next. I wasn’t sure what to do, the longest we didn’t text at all was 1 day about a week into our messaging. As I knew he was very ill, I just texted him yesterday evening, asking whether he was still alive. He quickly replied – as in like the same minute I sent that text! And here’s what bothers me about it: why didn’t he text himself? He obviously was okay with texting, and he wasn’t busy like the other time this happened before. I would be glad to talk to someone when I was ill. Maybe he isn’t, who knows?

I’m sure I’m reading way too much into this. I was okay though, I mean… he’s still replying, right? It’s not like he’s ignoring me for ages. He always replies quickly whenever I do text him first.

Fast forward a couple of hours later (I tried to help him get better, as I am a nurse and do know what to do in situations like the one he is in). At one point our conversation lead to sex again, and he was like “I don’t want to talk about it, or you’re gonna shelve me 😉 ” I just said “too late… but I still like you.” And I just knew that the conversation was over after I sent that text. Whenever I made a compliment or showed any sort of affection to him, he would just abruptly end the conversation. He did answer with “well, lucky me (:” (with a smiley face he never uses) so I knew that was it. I just said “sure are!” and it was done. No more replies from him, and I knew this morning although the hope was still there that he would not text me again.

I do understand where he’s coming from. I don’t like affection from people I don’t really know, and I’m really not sure why I said it in the first place. And I guess he has to hold back, to not let girls affect him so quickly in thoughts of his daughter. He can’t just mess around like another one probably could. I get that. I totally do.
But one thing I swore to myself a few years back, was to always just say what is on my mind. If I find it to be true, why not tell people? Where’s the big deal about being open about your feelings? I hid my feelings for over 20 years, I don’t really say it to my friends (except for Mr. Cucu actually), so why with him? I really don’t know.

I swore to myself that I would not text him again first. But is it really worth it? Why playing that game when I don’t feel like it?! I’ll see, maybe if he doesn’t text till Monday. I don’t want this “relationship” – or whatever it may be called – to end, just because I’m stubborn. You know? But I also don’t want to bother him all the time. I want some approach from his side as well. I guess I just want the confirmation that he really is interested and not just saying that because I asked. So where’s the line between the two of them?

And once more I know why I don’t like that whole falling in love game, or dating, or anything the like until you know for sure what you’re on about. It’s so confusing and upsetting.

Oh guys, you drive me insane!

Well… that was a failure. I shouldn’t have even mentioned Mike on this blog.

Remember how I thought he was very nice and forthcoming? Well, I was wrong. He asked me on a date again last Thursday night. I didn’t answer till late on Friday, because.. why should I? He never bothered to text me during the day. Anyway. So I told him that I already said I wasn’t interested in dating yet, and he should stop asking. He was blabbering something along the lines of not liking to text and blahblah. And that I should take a step towards him as well.
I explained once more where I was coming from (that he was giving me mixed signals and I really didn’t intend on seeing anyone I didn’t know the intentions of and that he really made it hard for me to decide whether or not to like him, but that I didn’t plan on texting with him forever, but he was making it hard only replying very rarely.). He then decided to not answer me again, although he was online. I turned my phone off and went to sleep, pretty mad.

I woke up at 4am that night still feeling angry towards him. I got myself busy for about 30minutes before I decided to text him, because my anger would not blow over: “See, that’s exactly my problem. Saying one thing, doing the other – just like my ex. I’m fucking done with this game, let’s just end things here.”

I got a response in the morning – surprise. He said that he was surprised about the things I said to him and that he would text me later after work. I didn’t reply.

He texted me again in the evening, saying he was in a rush and would text later that evening. I replied saying “didn’t really expect an answer at all, so no rush.”

Guess what?

Never heard of him again. Have deleted his number since the night he asked me out, so no chance to text him from my side.

So there’s that. Then I also deleted Kenny’s number for similar reasons. You guys know the story of him and I. I sent him a picture I made and we were arguing again right away. At some point he said that I was really complicated. I replied saying “well, just your luck you’re not dating me, so it shouldn’t bother you”, deleting his number and chat afterwards. He texted me this morning saying, I somewhen had told him, he wasn’t allowed to date me anyway (I can’t recall, but who knows?). I said he wasn’t because I’m not interested in cheating. So he asked me if “dating = cheating” and I said that as soon as someone else is involved, yes. No reply yet, don’t care – deleting his chat. I deleted his number, because he never texts first and I don’t want to have the opportunity to tag this non-exsistant-friendship along like that.

To end this post on a positive note: There’s a reaaally cute guy at school I have been staring at ever since I first laid my eyes on him (so about a year ago). There’s always just been that – chemistry by looking at each other. But he seemed like the cool guy and I am way too shy to talk to someone like that. Well, today I was early for school and he came out of his room. I looked at him and didn’t think much more of it. As I was the first one and have no key, I did not get into our class room and was waiting outside. When the teacher showed up, he came over and asked if he could use our microwave. We talked a bit and I was over the moon. I actually had to force myself to not stare at him the whole time, as his friend was there as well.

I later then asked my gay schoolfriend whether he thought cute guy was gay as well. They just have a code, so I thought I’d rather ask first. Well, he thinks he is not. I did find out his name by stalking my colleague’s facebook, who is in the same class as him. (Surprise, another D!) Dean. I messaged him on facebook later on, whether he’d enjoyed his lunch, but as facebook is a huge pain in the ass, he probably will never see this. I don’t even know if he has a girlfriend or would be interested in the slightest, so yeah. Whatever.

But it totally made my day, so that’s cool.