friends

meeting Gohan again

So. That “date” yesterday didn’t turn out how I expected it to. Well, I didn’t expect much, did I? I wanted to leave all options open, although I did think about how I wasn’t allowed to have sex for yet another week because of my surgery. So you can imagine how far my imagination had gone by the time I reread all the old posts about Gohan.

My mind got really messed by the time I met up with him. I was thinking about getting back in a relationship with him, or maybe just having a friendship with benefits. I wondered why things never worked out. I imagined how nice it would be, to have someone this close (in distance)… To sum things up: my mind was flying at around 130mph.

But then, when I saw him at the train station… after the first thing he said, I remembered why we didn’t work out. As mean as this may sound, but I just knew I could never ever be with him, just like I said on all these other posts about him.
We don’t share a lot of common interests and do see life from very different points of view. He talks a lot about himself. He has a lot of issues with his personality and tries to verify them with things that have nothing to do with it. And he’s just weird. There’s nothing wrong with being weird, but he’s so proud of being different… it’s just not what I like in a guy.

I went home at 1am after driving him home, so we spent a good 4 hours talking. Or rather him talking for like 3.5 of them. But with each minute I just felt more and more uncomfortable. At first things were okay, we talked and it was nice to meet someone I haven’t seen in so long. But by 11pm I got really tired and just wanted to be left alone. He didn’t realise. By 12.30am he said we should head home and he was mumbling something about going home and watching some Netflix. I wasn’t sure if he meant for me to join, but I knew I would not go to his house. It ended up being no question, so that was fine for me.

All summed up: it was nice to see him, but that’ll leave me satisfied for a looong time. We haven’t texted since either. He was very touchy and cuddley and kept telling me how “sexless” he was, to which I didn’t say anything. He asked me to give him my jacket or warm him up, which I found so weird that I didn’t reply. He asked why I didn’t reply and I was like “I’m not gonna give you my jacket!” Like, what?! I didn’t feel the need to cuddle him or whatever, although he tried several times. But I guess after a while he realised I would not give him what he wanted.
He also apologised for how he’s treated me after the breakup. He realised that he was very emotionally unavailable and was not reacting how he should have. But I have long gotten over it, so it was no big deal. Sure it was nice to see that he realised he behaved wrong… but you know, it’s been 5 years.

As I said, it was okay. But nothing like I expected. Not exactly in a bad way, but not in a good way either. It did make me want to date again though. But oh well…

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holidays did me well!

I’m back, who guessed? Have been for a few days actually, but it didn’t pop up in my mind to update you guys. I am sorry about that. So here comes a quick one:

I didn’t have internet for the 10 days I was abroad. Well, I could have, but decided against it – as I remembered how good it did me when Alan broke up with me (or whatever you would call this). I turned it on after 4 days as I had to read back some stuff and therefore got all the messages in as well. Of course I couldn’t NOT read them.
I received a text from Doc, which actually kept me happy all throughout my holidays – and still does:

You didn’t scare me off 🙂 don’t worry. I do very much like to text with you and if an opportunity turns up, we can go for a drink some time.

I actually can’t quite translate his wording, as there’s no translation for a particular word. It’s more like “we can go for a drink once”, but that doesn’t sound quite right either. And I don’t know how to interpret it. So I simply didn’t.
I was happy, because he said just like that, that he likes to text with me very much. Which shows me that he really does enjoy it. And that my feelings have been wrong. I watched a video today, that told us that we always see our own insecurities in others. I need to stop interpreting things how I would word them. I have asked him way too many times about this, and he kept saying that he enjoys talking to me. I need to turn my interpretations off for this one.

Whilst being away for 10 days I had time to let go. I figured that if we meet in 6 months or maybe a year, that’s fine, too. I don’t always have to rush things. Maybe we’ll stay friends. Maybe the texting will subside somewhen and we won’t even talk anymore – even less date. That’s all very fine. I do like this guy, I’m not gonna lie. And he seems like a genuine good guy. But what is so wrong about having patience and really getting to know someone? I don’t always have to date them right away. Maybe he’s interested in me, maybe he’s not. What if we just get to know each other, without that thought in the back of our minds?
It’s something that I have struggled with all my life, and which usually was the reason why my relationships lasted only a few months, because once I got to know them, I realised I didn’t like what I got as much as I thought. With Momo I got to know him for 2 months before we actually started dating with our mind set to more than friendship with benefits. And it turned out to be the best relationship I’ve ever had.
Also I’m quite content with being alone, without bothering to care for someone else besides me. I have a lot going on with an upcoming surgery on my cervix, my last year of university and just personal things. So maybe I just need to focus on myself for the time being and see where the future leads me. Why does it always have to be about boys? Right, it doesn’t! And that’s what I’ve learned over the past 10 days away.

Friday night | part 2.

So as you can imagine, I wasn’t in the best place for getting drunk. But I really didn’t care no more. I just wanted to have a good time and enjoy myself. Forget all about Alan for a few hours.

By 11pm when we went to the party I was pretty drunk. I still remember everything I did and said, but I was definitely drunk. Now comes the fun part.

One thing you need to know: when I’m drunk I talk to everyone. I don’t care whether they look at me awkwardly, I just love everybody when I’m drunk. And I dance, like there’s no tomorrow.
So a girl gave me some bracelets to give out and I did just that. I went over to 2 guys that I had been watching before and gave them a bracelet each. One of them – Doc – started to talk to me. He was very beautiful (he still is, even now that I am sober!) and smart. He turned out to be studying to become a doctor in the hospital close to my home. We talked for probably 2 hours (or maybe my time frame has been messed up). We danced and laughed and really just clicked. He talked to my friends as well. Of course my friends all came up and said I should grab him, but I wasn’t drunk enough to make a move. We did dance pretty closely, as in – I could actually smell his breath (that sounds so much worse than what I intended to). When we danced that closely we both looked away as not to get in that situation of a probably-kiss. Yet there were a few of those moments. The chemistry definitely was there. And I think if his friend hadn’t been so grumpy, he probably would have kissed me. It was just perfect.

Unfortunately his friend wasn’t a big fan of us talking so much. I could tell pretty early on that he was upset about being “alone”. At around 2ish o’clock he told him to go home. I really had hoped he would not go, but who am I to deny them to go home? So Doc came over and said “we’re going home now”. Fortunately I was drunk enough to ask him for his number. I was like “Can I have your number?”… and he looked at me and was like “ummmm…. yeah? I guess so” He seemed very shy about it, so I’m not sure whether he just didn’t want to dump me and say no, or if he was just surprised about me asking. Or maybe he had a girlfriend, but then he probably wouldn’t have danced with me like that. Or he was just really drunk.
But I really just wanted to be able and contact him. I didn’t even know his name until he typed it in my phone. Fortunately my friend knew his brother, so I got to his last name as well.

I texted him pretty soon after he left, to have a safe journey home. He texted back “thank you so much, same to you”. To which I replied (still pretty drunk) when I went home “thanks. Going home now as well. Cool to have met you”. It was 3.30am by then.
I did not get a reply so I figured he was already asleep. Haven’t gotten a text message all day today either. So of course my self-conciousness is kicking in. I know he’s way too beautiful to be with me. And he’s very intelligent. And has a nice body. I mean he’s a doc. Come on?!
But then he talked to me for so long last night. And we laughed a lot. Although I guess I made those moves of dancing closer. I’m not exactly sure. So I’m not sure whether he’s just not interested, busy or just forgot again? Maybe he was so drunk he forgot about me? I really can’t tell.

What should I do? Wait for him to text me? Text him in like a day to ask how he’s doing? I really don’t know. I would love to meet him again. He really seemed like a nice guy. And my friends were all over ‘us’ as well.
But he probably doesn’t even know my name. Why do I always forget to ask for names, when I meet someone new? Who even does that? *sigh*

I really am trying not to get my hopes up about this one.

emotions I do not want

I have been reading through all my old posts and screenshots of conversations with Kenny in these last few days. My friends noticed that I am very interested in seeing Kenny again. And I have been missing him like crazy, since he’s been abroad for the week.

Stupid ideas have popped back into my head again. He asked me to come to the airport to pick him up yesterday and I actually thought about going. I didn’t, but I thought about it. I also thought about going to a party he is on today. But I didn’t. Because my head knows how stupid that is.

Rereading those posts, made me realise how much I am in the same place I was pretty much a year ago. And last night I realised that nothing has really changed at all. Remember those times he wouldn’t text me once the weekend was around – because his girlfriend was there? Yeah, haven’t heard from him since last night when he returned home, although we have been chatting all day long these last 5 days.

I need to really – and I mean really – get him out of my head. This is never going to turn out well. He’s not gonna leave his girlfriend. He told me so many times last year, that he just wanted to have fun (although he also said that he never wanted to get into my pants either). That he was not interested in dating. So why does my head get all messed up each time I talk to him again? Why does my heart long for him, although my head knows pretty well that this is not what I want or even can have. So in the end, I might not go to that party in a few weeks to see him again, because I know how much it’ll mess up my head again – although I really really want to see him. Why do I always fall back into this stupid crush when we talk? Why is he the only one, that gets into my head each time? How can he wrap me around his fingers with as little as a few days talk? And why does he keep telling me how much he misses me, and wants me hin his life, and wants fun – but in the same breath he tells me he doesn’t just want fun? What does he want?

I just don’t understand.

Yavin, I feel good about you!

I feel really stupid to write this, but I need to get my thoughts out there more. I felt very depressed over the last few months when I didn’t talk to anybody about my feelings. Although it may seem crazy to talk to all of you guys (or better, just me rambling on), it does help so much for my mental health!

As I mentioned in my last post I have met quite a few guys. Well, I haven’t really met them, but just got to know them over the internet (what else?!). Y – also known as Yavin – being one of them.

Just believe me when I say I feel pretty damn stupid and like a 12yo teenage girl, but somehow I feel like he could actually turn out to be the one. This is just as stupid as it sounds in my head, I haven’t even met him for real yet, so how come?
I really can’t explain this, it’s just a feeling. A very good feeling at that. I briefly mentioned how he looks so good? Yeah, he does. His eyes are wonderful, I keep finding myself switching through his pictures (he actually told me to add him on facebook, so I don’t always have to stalk his pictures on the dating app – hah, good on you girl for making it subtle… not. Oops.) I don’t know the last time I did that (it probably was with Dan). I just generally think of him a lot. And I do know that I don’t even really know him for real.

Yesterday we talked about serious matters for the first time since we met (about 2 weeks ago, well actually he texted me for the first time on 23rd December). I told him that I really can’t say what he thinks of me. So he asked me what I wanted to know exactly.
Me: I don’t know whether you make fun of me or are actually interested. Or what could come out of this?
Him: Sure! I am interested in you, I just don’t really know you. You’re funny, which makes me say things – I’m not making fun of you!
Me: I don’t have a problem with your humour, I just don’t know whether it’s platonic or could turn out into more (as that’s what I’m used to with my boys at school). Know what I mean? I feel very stupid writing this.
Him: No! I do understand you. We do have to have some more intense contact or have a drink to get to really know each other. So we can tell what this is going to be.

So I said that I really would like to meet him, it’s just hard with his daily schedule (as mentioned, he has a daughter and she stays with him every weekend, he is active in a sports team and goes to school twice a week.
We haven’t actually set a date yet, but I am eager to meet him. But I don’t want to force him to anything. I’m just really holding back with him, I don’t know why.
Once I realised that I might actually see him for real, I started to get very self conscious. What if I am too fat for him? What if he doesn’t like my hair? Or just me overall? That’s a feeling I haven’t had in such a long time! I’m usually pretty keen with who I am, but realising how good he looks and that he’s just into sports overall made me… actually made me workout yesterday *laugh awkwardly*.

Anyway, this was a very long post to just say that – yes – I feel very connected to him although we haven’t talked as much as I am used to. BUT I feel good about this – for some unknown reason. I do not want to get my hopes up, and I am well aware that this could be one big failure and I should not read anything into this. But I’m just excited.

That’s all.

update on my mind

My blog posts have been all over the place lately. And so has my mind. Today however I feel better in general. I have found some peace at last. I’m not great, but dealing okay.

Firstly, I am so occupied with work, that I don’t have a lot of time to think about what happened or is happening. When I get home, I’m usually so tired I go to sleep or just get busy with playing games on my phone to switch my mind off things. Maybe that’s a bad way to not deal with my emotions, but right now it’s the only way I can handle.
Sure, I am still sad about how things went these last few weeks. I did hope I could keep in contact with the guys from the animation team, but I also knew deep down that it would be very difficult and it needed to be both sided. Which it obviously wasn’t. However, I am doing a lot better than I thought I would be at that time. Maybe it’s just the realisation. Life goes on, and so do I. It’s sad, because I really felt like Crush was special, but whatever. Also it doesn’t take a lot to get me back to sad-state, as I’m friends with most of them on facebook and whenever pictures pop up with them, it makes me sad.
Example: Lex uploaded a picture with a few guys today. It made me realise that he might have just wanted to get in my pants, like it was probably his plan all along and then I ask myself with how many girls he’s slept with ever since. But I need to shut my brain off when it comes to these kind of things. It was just sex. Just sex.

Secondly, I have come to a point where I just take life day by day. I try not to think about the future too much and just take one step at a time right now. I can’t change the future – well, yes I can, but you get me, right? So what is there in for me to nag about things I can’t change right now? If life wants me to get away, I will go in less than 2 years. If it doesn’t, there will be a damn good reason not to.

Thirdly, although I wanted to be left alone most of the time the last few weeks, simply because I feel like my friends don’t give a shit… I went out with Mr. Cucu tonight. Although I was so annoyed because I was stuck in traffic for 45minutes and had a headache when I arrived, as soon as I saw and hugged him, I was all good again. He’s just a guy that can keep my mind off things and I love him for that. I truly do. He invited me over to his place and we talked for over an hour and I just miss him being closer to my home. But he’s great. He really is.
I just feel let down from my other friends for several reasons. I did tell a few about my emotions, and yes, they listened and tried to give me hope and advice. But as soon as that conversation was done (like 2 weeks ago) there was never a question back if I was better by now. And that’s when I feel like they don’t care, so I won’t talk to them anymore. For example, I haven’t seen my girl-“best friend” in about 6-7 months. Probably even more. It actually was right before Stan broke up with me. So that’s been ages.
Yes, she has asked me to meet several times, but you know how one feels if she’s like “I’m writing my master thesis, I moved in with my boyfriend, I got new kittens, I work, I am so busy blahblahblah.” And then when she’s like done with everything, and all of a sudden I need to make time for her, because.. well she’s ready now? I don’t like this kind of behaviour and that’s why I never actually made time for her anymore. She didn’t even tell me about moving in with her boyfriend until 1 week before they moved. Seriously?

I’m still on Tinder, and have met some guys on there. However, after reading Hookup Cultures post today, I realised that I am not ready to date. I like the attention, yes. But as soon as there is one tiny detail a guy has, I find a reason not to date him. I have been like this ever since I broke up with Momo… and even with Momo I feel like, I could have worked through these issues. But oh well, it’s the way it is right now. And I don’t really care about dating right now anyway.

If it ever happens, that’s alright, if it doesn’t, it’s alright as well.

emigrating?

I really don’t know where my mind is at. One minute I feel perfectly fine being back at home, I’m doing great with my work and actually enjoy being here… the next I just want to get away. I know I will get used to being home again, but do I want this? I know that deep down I have always wanted to get away, not live in my own country and just… leave. But the question is, do I want to stay with my family and friends (who – lets be honest – don’t care so much about me being here) or do I follow my own dreams and not take the secure and “normal” way? Or is that all just a phase, and I wouldn’t at all be happy abroad? I do not know. I really have no idea what to do. Finishing my studies and see what life brings until then? Quit university and go now?…

The thing that confuses me is, do I want to go somewhere I don’t know anybody? I have slowly realised that the guys I met there, won’t be there in 2 year’s time. They work there for a season and then go back home or to another hotel. Do I want to go there by myself? But I’m great with new people, so maybe I would get even cooler guys?

Also I feel like… every day a bit more – that I was nothing special to those guys at all. Which probably is just the case, but my heart doesn’t want to accept because I gotten to like them so much. Crush has still not answered/read my message. Maybe he is just online on his day off? But then I think, if I wouldn’t have the chance to say goodbye to someone I really liked and said I would say goodbye, I would have gone online that very day and texted him, saying sorry or whatever. He didn’t, so maybe I was just another girl to him. No matter the sweetie and sweetheart comments, no matter the happiness he showed when I texted him. But then, why did he say “this is very important!” when he asked me for a time to meet before I left? And why did he not show up? There are so many questions I probably will never get the amswer to. I just know how much I miss him.
Lex also hasn’t replied, which I’m not surprised about. I was just a hookup and I knew that. I’m okay with it.
Also the girl I was chatting with in the beginning of the week hasn’t replied yet, although she has read the message. I’m okay, I understand they are busy and what is in there for texting with me? I just feel… I feel lonely. That’s my main issue right now. And I knew I would when I left the hotel. I knew I wouldn’t be as interactive with people back here, I wouldn’t go to beach volley everyday with people I did not know. I’m just so different at home. I don’t want to see people I don’t know, or I don’t know how to go about it. So how come I’m doing so much better abroad?

I talked to my boss yesterday and there is a high chance, that I will get enough days off for flying over there at the end of October. It would be just at the end of the season and I would get to see the guys again. But do they want me to be there? I would have to go alone, which is perfectly fine for me… but if they don’t care, what do I want there?

The fun thing is: For the first time in my entire life I don’t plan my future around a boy or family. Somehow I have given up on the idea on finding a boyfriend and family and I just plan my future to be alone. And I’m perfectly fine with it. I used to always think like “I can’t go abroad, what if I have a boyfriend until then and he’s not okay with it?”. Now I’m not. If that’s good or not, I don’t know and neither care. Life will fly by either way.