Guys, you will not believe what happened today. Well yeah, you probably will.. but I’m just going to copy what I’ve written with Ken, and you can judge yourself. Let me know! I am eager to know whether I am overreacting or not! Also note how he never replied to my actual questions.. and how he doesn’t accept my opinion either. But here, I’ll let you leave with our conversation:
K (at 6am!): Are you happier now without me?
Me: Hang on, just let me sort stuff out: YOU broke up with me, you rejoined the community a day after and you blocked me on WhatsApp.. why am I the villain now?
K: I didn’t block you?! I have rejoined, because I needed a place to get my mind off things, because I’m not dealing very well with this…
I didn’t reply.
K: I would never break up with you when it comes down to feelings. You know that I love you from the bottom of my heart. I just realised that we’ve gotten into a quandary. Let’s have a look back to the beginnings. I didn’t want a relationship. I had you on the long leash and you always came towards me. With time I let feelings flow and things went into the opposite direction. I wanted you more and more and you understandably started to back away. That made me try crazily to get your attention, but I didn’t get it and you backed away even more. So I pulled “the trigger”. But ever since I realise how much my body longs for you. I’m gonna be honest: I could see us getting old together, with all the problems we have. I make mistakes, but so does everyone.
Me: How exactly are you seeing our future together? You gonna break up with me every time we face a problem? Do you really think the next time I want to be left alone, you can do it just like that? It’s not gonna get better or easier. and I’m not gonna change. You need attention all the time and I need me-time all the time. How exactly is this going to work?
K: When I surprised you on Thursday, you were saying that your mother was out and nobody waited for you at home. So I thought I am allowed to come over. When you said you were feeling like shit on Sunday, I wanted to visit you – everyone would do that who liked you even the slightest.You gotta tell me exactly when you have time and what you want to do, so I’m gonna stop surprising you. I can take it all easy, I was able to do so in the beginning.
I didn’t reply again for like 20 minutes…
K: I can’t promise you anything, just that I’m gonna try very hard. It would be a pity to end things, because this relationship has been the best so far.
Me: In a week’s time, we’d be at the same exact spot as today again. I have played that game 4 times now, and I’m done. I always thought “this time he won’t break up with me when the slightest problem will turn up” yet it happened again. Your controlling, your jealousy and the constricting… you will always fall back into that pattern and I am not one for controlling.
K: That is not true. I have been improving my jealousy heaps, because I trust you now. Yes the controlling was wrong, but I only did it because I didn’t know that you needed time for yourself. I’m sorry. Look, I know I could do it if I take things easy.. I know because I have realised this whilst we were on this break. And I have already improved a lot, so please don’t forget that…
But I understand.. it was one too many times. Such a pity.. It would have worked, I know it.
–
Now I’m just gonna say one more thing: Yes, 5 times is one too many times. And I am very proud of myself for sticking to this. In the middle of this conversation (this lasted the whole morning actually!) I started to get a little worked up and I wanted to shush him and cuddle him, because I realised how much he’s trying to hang onto something that will never work. But I just decided to not listen to this side, and I know it’s for the better. But you know, it’s hard for me not to help these helpless creatures – also known as my exes *sigh*
diary of a tight-lipped girl. 