As I mentioned in my last post, I did write up a text to send to Yavin but decided against it after a few days. I was talking to a friend the other day and she said that I should let my gut decide whether to send the text or not. I told her that I don’t see what I would reach with it, and she said it doesn’t matter whether there’s any outcome, but if my gut tells me to send it, I just should.
I went on with my day that day. Not thinking about that text no more. Yesterday evening I was laying in bed and reread that text and all of a sudden, I did have that gut feeling to send it. So I added some things and changed them up a bit and sent the following text:
Hey Yavin… look, I actually didn’t want to text you no more and just see if there’s gonna be a text from you. Or how long it’ll take you. But it seems that won’t happen anymore. I’ve been thinking about whether to send this or not. In the end I don’t really have to lose or win anything at all. I just want to let you know a few things:
I’m disappointed in you. The first time in forever I actually thought, you would be different. I really was looking forward to seeing you, getting to know you. I liked to talk to you. And I believed everything you said to me. I let you be, when you didn’t text, I tried to give you time and still kept my hope and belief in you. Just for you to be pigeonholed like any other men. I’m not disappointed that you (seem to) not be interested anymore, but because you just couldn’t send me a short message saying “hey, I’m sorry but this is not what I’m looking for, let’s leave it be here”, but decided to ghost me instead. Searching for excuses why you couldn’t talk, set a date and not even cancel. I really thought you would have more respect. I would have understood and accepted your decision, if you just could have been honest and tell me what your problem was. Like this I’m just not understanding and ask myself all the time, what I could have done different – although I didn’t do anything wrong in the first place.
You really have hurt me a lot with your behaviour and I hope you are aware of that.
Anyway, have a nice time and good night.
I’m not sure if I really can be neutral about it, but I feel like I have been fair enough and not been mean, just stating the facts about how I feel whilst not getting too emotional either. I turned my phone off, because as soon as the thought of actually sending it hit me, my heart started to race. I then went to bed. I even dreamt about that damn text, and that I got no reply back.
I guess my brain knew, before my heart accepted it. I woke up at 6am this morning and finally turned my phone back on. And although I knew there was a chance he wouldn’t react, I didn’t expect him not to. But then… my feeling about him has been wrong all along, why should I be right now?! So, there was no text waiting from him. I deleted his chat. Checked if he had unfriended me on any social media (not the case yet).
So after putting everything into it, I got nothing out of it.
Again. But I think I can now move on. The anger is slowly resurfacing and that’s the stage I need to get to, to get over someone. Yes, I have lost a huge bunch of faith and hope into finding a guy again. I’m sick of seeing everybody in love around me. And all of them being so hopeful about love, telling me I will find someone someday when I least expect it. Blah, blah. Just the usual stuff you tell someone that is heartbroken….
But I need to get over my self-sorry ass and move on. I can live with myself, I have done so for the longest time. It shouldn’t be that hard to do so for another 40 years or so.
Goodbye Yavin. I guess it was nice will it lasted. Or maybe not.