Yavin

goodbye text to Yavin

As I mentioned in my last post, I did write up a text to send to Yavin but decided against it after a few days. I was talking to a friend the other day and she said that I should let my gut decide whether to send the text or not. I told her that I don’t see what I would reach with it, and she said it doesn’t matter whether there’s any outcome, but if my gut tells me to send it, I just should.

I went on with my day that day. Not thinking about that text no more. Yesterday evening I was laying in bed and reread that text and all of a sudden, I did have that gut feeling to send it. So I added some things and changed them up a  bit and sent the following text:

Hey Yavin… look, I actually didn’t want to text you no more and just see if there’s gonna be a text from you. Or how long it’ll take you. But it seems that won’t happen anymore. I’ve been thinking about whether to send this or not. In the end I don’t really have to lose or win anything at all. I just want to let you know a few things:

I’m disappointed in you. The first time in forever I actually thought, you would be different. I really was looking forward to seeing you, getting to know you. I liked to talk to you. And I believed everything you said to me. I let you be, when you didn’t text, I tried to give you time and still kept my hope and belief in you. Just for you to be pigeonholed like any other men. I’m not disappointed that you (seem to) not be interested anymore, but because you just couldn’t send me a short message saying “hey, I’m sorry but this is not what I’m looking for, let’s leave it be here”, but decided to ghost me instead. Searching for excuses why you couldn’t talk, set a date and not even cancel. I really thought you would have more respect. I would have understood and accepted your decision, if you just could have been honest and tell me what your problem was. Like this I’m just not understanding and ask myself all the time, what I could have done different – although I didn’t do anything wrong in the first place.

You really have hurt me a lot with your behaviour and I hope you are aware of that.
Anyway, have a nice time and good night.

I’m not sure if I really can be neutral about it, but I feel like I have been fair enough and not been mean, just stating the facts about how I feel whilst not getting too emotional either. I turned my phone off, because as soon as the thought of actually sending it hit me, my heart started to race. I then went to bed. I even dreamt about that damn text, and that I got no reply back.

I guess my brain knew, before my heart accepted it. I woke up at 6am this morning and finally turned my phone back on. And although I knew there was a chance he wouldn’t react, I didn’t expect him not to. But then… my feeling about him has been wrong all along, why should I be right now?! So, there was no text waiting from him. I deleted his chat. Checked if he had unfriended me on any social media (not the case yet).

So after putting everything into it, I got nothing out of it. Again. But I think I can now move on. The anger is slowly resurfacing and that’s the stage I need to get to, to get over someone. Yes, I have lost a huge bunch of faith and hope into finding a guy again. I’m sick of seeing everybody in love around me. And all of them being so hopeful about love, telling me I will find someone someday when I least expect it. Blah, blah. Just the usual stuff you tell someone that is heartbroken….
But I need to get over my self-sorry ass and move on. I can live with myself, I have done so for the longest time. It shouldn’t be that hard to do so for another 40 years or so.

Goodbye Yavin. I guess it was nice will it lasted. Or maybe not.

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deleting all the apps

Yesterday I did something I didn’t think I would ever actually do. Although the thought has played in my mind for quite a while now. “Meeting” Yavin has just made this even more clear to me.

Although things with Yavin aren’t looking the best (still no text from him), I felt the need to finally delete all my dating apps. I deleted Tinder a week ago, because I wasn’t chatting with anyone on there. I deleted Lovoo a few days ago, because I haven’t met any serious guy on there at all over the last 2 months. And finally, yesterday evening I deleted badoo. I had been writing with a guy there for over a year. On and off. A few weeks ago I texted him again, saying just that. That we had been messaging each other for over a year and I didn’t even know his name. He was always so keen on how interested in him I was, which totally wasn’t the case. He was fun to chat with every now and then, but he had the tendency to write a whole bunch of things without actually saying anything, you know? Yesterday we somehow got to the topic of cats and he told me that he really didn’t like cats – which is a no go for me, when dating anyone. My cats are my love, they have saved me more times than humans have, so I need a boyfriend that likes cats and can actually live with them. If we’re being honest, this is not going to work, if someone doesn’t like cats (like Ken for example, or Stan). I told him that I think it’s not possible to make it work. And he then told me that he was laughing his ass off about my explanation, which got me really mad and that’s when I decided to delete the app. I told him everything I ever wanted to tell him, made sure that he read it and then deleted the app. He has no information about me so I’ll never hear from him again.

Anyway. I sure was bored this morning, not having to go through my likes or messages from guys, I wasn’t even interested in. I guess it’s just a habit and I’ll get used to it. For now I want this year to be about me and my selflove. And these dating apps are for sure not helping with that. If anything comes out of anyone I met on there, that’s fine. And if I ever feel the need to meet someone on the internet, I can just recreate a profile, right?

For now it feels good.

I hate the whole dating thing!

Here comes the weird thing. Remember how I said in my last post, that I feel like there’s a connection with Yavin?

We texted Wednesday back and forth when he went home from work, because he was very ill… we made some fun and I thought it was good to keep him in a good mood, helps to recover, right? All of a sudden he stopped texting me. No big deal. I knew that would happen. I also knew yesterday after I sent a certain text, that he would stop replying again. How come I feel like I know him, although I really don’t?!

He didn’t text me the next day. Or the next. I wasn’t sure what to do, the longest we didn’t text at all was 1 day about a week into our messaging. As I knew he was very ill, I just texted him yesterday evening, asking whether he was still alive. He quickly replied – as in like the same minute I sent that text! And here’s what bothers me about it: why didn’t he text himself? He obviously was okay with texting, and he wasn’t busy like the other time this happened before. I would be glad to talk to someone when I was ill. Maybe he isn’t, who knows?

I’m sure I’m reading way too much into this. I was okay though, I mean… he’s still replying, right? It’s not like he’s ignoring me for ages. He always replies quickly whenever I do text him first.

Fast forward a couple of hours later (I tried to help him get better, as I am a nurse and do know what to do in situations like the one he is in). At one point our conversation lead to sex again, and he was like “I don’t want to talk about it, or you’re gonna shelve me 😉 ” I just said “too late… but I still like you.” And I just knew that the conversation was over after I sent that text. Whenever I made a compliment or showed any sort of affection to him, he would just abruptly end the conversation. He did answer with “well, lucky me (:” (with a smiley face he never uses) so I knew that was it. I just said “sure are!” and it was done. No more replies from him, and I knew this morning although the hope was still there that he would not text me again.

I do understand where he’s coming from. I don’t like affection from people I don’t really know, and I’m really not sure why I said it in the first place. And I guess he has to hold back, to not let girls affect him so quickly in thoughts of his daughter. He can’t just mess around like another one probably could. I get that. I totally do.
But one thing I swore to myself a few years back, was to always just say what is on my mind. If I find it to be true, why not tell people? Where’s the big deal about being open about your feelings? I hid my feelings for over 20 years, I don’t really say it to my friends (except for Mr. Cucu actually), so why with him? I really don’t know.

I swore to myself that I would not text him again first. But is it really worth it? Why playing that game when I don’t feel like it?! I’ll see, maybe if he doesn’t text till Monday. I don’t want this “relationship” – or whatever it may be called – to end, just because I’m stubborn. You know? But I also don’t want to bother him all the time. I want some approach from his side as well. I guess I just want the confirmation that he really is interested and not just saying that because I asked. So where’s the line between the two of them?

And once more I know why I don’t like that whole falling in love game, or dating, or anything the like until you know for sure what you’re on about. It’s so confusing and upsetting.

Yavin, I feel good about you!

I feel really stupid to write this, but I need to get my thoughts out there more. I felt very depressed over the last few months when I didn’t talk to anybody about my feelings. Although it may seem crazy to talk to all of you guys (or better, just me rambling on), it does help so much for my mental health!

As I mentioned in my last post I have met quite a few guys. Well, I haven’t really met them, but just got to know them over the internet (what else?!). Y – also known as Yavin – being one of them.

Just believe me when I say I feel pretty damn stupid and like a 12yo teenage girl, but somehow I feel like he could actually turn out to be the one. This is just as stupid as it sounds in my head, I haven’t even met him for real yet, so how come?
I really can’t explain this, it’s just a feeling. A very good feeling at that. I briefly mentioned how he looks so good? Yeah, he does. His eyes are wonderful, I keep finding myself switching through his pictures (he actually told me to add him on facebook, so I don’t always have to stalk his pictures on the dating app – hah, good on you girl for making it subtle… not. Oops.) I don’t know the last time I did that (it probably was with Dan). I just generally think of him a lot. And I do know that I don’t even really know him for real.

Yesterday we talked about serious matters for the first time since we met (about 2 weeks ago, well actually he texted me for the first time on 23rd December). I told him that I really can’t say what he thinks of me. So he asked me what I wanted to know exactly.
Me: I don’t know whether you make fun of me or are actually interested. Or what could come out of this?
Him: Sure! I am interested in you, I just don’t really know you. You’re funny, which makes me say things – I’m not making fun of you!
Me: I don’t have a problem with your humour, I just don’t know whether it’s platonic or could turn out into more (as that’s what I’m used to with my boys at school). Know what I mean? I feel very stupid writing this.
Him: No! I do understand you. We do have to have some more intense contact or have a drink to get to really know each other. So we can tell what this is going to be.

So I said that I really would like to meet him, it’s just hard with his daily schedule (as mentioned, he has a daughter and she stays with him every weekend, he is active in a sports team and goes to school twice a week.
We haven’t actually set a date yet, but I am eager to meet him. But I don’t want to force him to anything. I’m just really holding back with him, I don’t know why.
Once I realised that I might actually see him for real, I started to get very self conscious. What if I am too fat for him? What if he doesn’t like my hair? Or just me overall? That’s a feeling I haven’t had in such a long time! I’m usually pretty keen with who I am, but realising how good he looks and that he’s just into sports overall made me… actually made me workout yesterday *laugh awkwardly*.

Anyway, this was a very long post to just say that – yes – I feel very connected to him although we haven’t talked as much as I am used to. BUT I feel good about this – for some unknown reason. I do not want to get my hopes up, and I am well aware that this could be one big failure and I should not read anything into this. But I’m just excited.

That’s all.

guys all over!

Fun story? Kenny has showed up again on Christmas Eve. As I mentioned in one of my latest post, I deleted his number after another argument. I was just done with always being the first one to text. It took him more than a month to do so. We have been texting back and forth again, him trying to flirt. But I’m just not falling for that again, and it feels pretty damn good. Like I won’t ignore him, but I also just don’t go into any of his shit. No emotions involved at all.
He actually asked to see me last week, but that didn’t happen when I didn’t ask for a time (surprise!). Then he also asked me if we could see each other again on that party we kissed on last year. But that’s not going to happen either. I’m not willing to date him as long as he has a girlfriend at all.

There are a few guys I met on several platforms on the ‘lead’ right now. I’m not sure what to expect of any of them, and I’m not sure if I should name them on here yet. For now just giving them letters though:

  • First there’s M. We have been texting a while and he asked to see me about 3 weeks ago, because he lives in the city I go to school. I was totally up for it, but he then asked me to come over to his flat and I explained that this would not happen. We haven’t seen each other yet and I actually think it’ll stay this way. For the main reason of him really liking girls that put makeup on, and I rarely can be bothered to do so.
  • Then there’s R. I really can’t recall what happened, I met him on Tinder a few months ago and for some reason I deleted his number. I really do not know why, whether he said something wrong or just wasn’t answering anymore. However, a couple of days ago he added me on Snapchat and we have been chatting over Snapchat. Today he asked me why we wouldn’t talk on WhatsApp, so I actually had to explain it. He kind of accused me so I said “you had all the time to text me as well, so…” He went on about how he thought I wasn’t interested anymore, but I just don’t buy it. Let’s see where this is leading though, he made it pretty clear I’m not the only girl he’s talking to. So I’m not sure what he’s in for.
  • And last but certainly not least: Y. He actually kind of seems like my dream-guy from what I’ve known yet. He lives close to where I work, he has a little daughter, doesn’t like going out too much, is funny, and very very handsome. We’ve been sending pictures every now and then, and he just looks so cute and I’m over the moon. We don’t actually text very often, which is very unusual for me, but it’s actually okay. Not hanging all over each other.

As you might have noticed, I did switch Dan back up to the “current dates” category. Not because we’re dating, but because he keeps coming back into my life and trying to stay there, which is really cute. I do not believe that anything is coming out of this, but he is definitely a ‘current’ for now.

I guess I’ll just have to see what 2017 brings for me 🙂 How are all of you doing in this new year?!