honesty

holidays did me well!

I’m back, who guessed? Have been for a few days actually, but it didn’t pop up in my mind to update you guys. I am sorry about that. So here comes a quick one:

I didn’t have internet for the 10 days I was abroad. Well, I could have, but decided against it – as I remembered how good it did me when Alan broke up with me (or whatever you would call this). I turned it on after 4 days as I had to read back some stuff and therefore got all the messages in as well. Of course I couldn’t NOT read them.
I received a text from Doc, which actually kept me happy all throughout my holidays – and still does:

You didn’t scare me off 🙂 don’t worry. I do very much like to text with you and if an opportunity turns up, we can go for a drink some time.

I actually can’t quite translate his wording, as there’s no translation for a particular word. It’s more like “we can go for a drink once”, but that doesn’t sound quite right either. And I don’t know how to interpret it. So I simply didn’t.
I was happy, because he said just like that, that he likes to text with me very much. Which shows me that he really does enjoy it. And that my feelings have been wrong. I watched a video today, that told us that we always see our own insecurities in others. I need to stop interpreting things how I would word them. I have asked him way too many times about this, and he kept saying that he enjoys talking to me. I need to turn my interpretations off for this one.

Whilst being away for 10 days I had time to let go. I figured that if we meet in 6 months or maybe a year, that’s fine, too. I don’t always have to rush things. Maybe we’ll stay friends. Maybe the texting will subside somewhen and we won’t even talk anymore – even less date. That’s all very fine. I do like this guy, I’m not gonna lie. And he seems like a genuine good guy. But what is so wrong about having patience and really getting to know someone? I don’t always have to date them right away. Maybe he’s interested in me, maybe he’s not. What if we just get to know each other, without that thought in the back of our minds?
It’s something that I have struggled with all my life, and which usually was the reason why my relationships lasted only a few months, because once I got to know them, I realised I didn’t like what I got as much as I thought. With Momo I got to know him for 2 months before we actually started dating with our mind set to more than friendship with benefits. And it turned out to be the best relationship I’ve ever had.
Also I’m quite content with being alone, without bothering to care for someone else besides me. I have a lot going on with an upcoming surgery on my cervix, my last year of university and just personal things. So maybe I just need to focus on myself for the time being and see where the future leads me. Why does it always have to be about boys? Right, it doesn’t! And that’s what I’ve learned over the past 10 days away.

a pleasant surprise.

I’m very surprised.

I was somewhat upset – again – when he didn’t reply to my messages for over 6 hours yesterday. He knew I was at work, but he still could have texted me, right? I do text him all throughout the day when he is at work and I am not.
Also because I know he has been online all the time. But  I wasn’t in the mood to once more tell him and argue. It just made me realise once more, that he does not  understand what I meant with setting priorities.
So I didn’t reply to his questions either until this morning. Why should I put him first, when he doesn’t?!

But then…

I wanted to see if he was online on the platform we “met” 10 years ago. He has been on there ever since. No matter whether he’s had a girlfriend or not. He has not once deleted it. Has been online almost every day (yes, I’m a sneaky bitch). I also went to see whether he had been online last night (which wasn’t the case).
Today I wanted to get on his profile again, but… it was gone. I was confused. Last night it was still there. What happened? Did I not type the name right? But then after some research I realised that he actually has deleted his profile.

Why? I do not know. First, of course I was proud. Did he delete it because of me? Does he know that it was kind of bothering me, that he still was on there whilst dating me? Or at least so regularly? Why was he still on there, not being very active in writing posts? Was he probably writing with a girl in private? All these thoughts have been going through my head ever since we started being official (which he of course didn’t claim on his profile)… I just didn’t know why he’s deleted it. I will ask him one day. But I can’t really do it right now, or it would be obvious that I have been visiting his profile almost daily. But I am very surprised… and pleasantly so 🙂

date with Greek.

So you know. I had the date with Greek today.

As you might already guess, I’m not as excited as I wish to be. It wasn’t bad or anything, not at all. It’s just that my “worries” have more or less settled now. I did want to give this whole thing a chance, not to break it off before even trying.. but it’s not gonna happen.

We did have good conversation for 3 straight hours. There were like 3 times or so when we didn’t talk all the time, but it wasn’t awkward silences. It was like talking to a new-old friend. A new friend, who doesn’t know a lot about you, yet you feel very close to him. We talked about school and life, but also about deep stuff. I didn’t feel weird at all.

But.

He’s not boyfriend material. Not for me at least. I knew it from the moment I saw him on the stairs. He’s cute. I love his eyes. But he doesn’t have that catching smile I need. He doesn’t have nice teeth at all (but then I did guess he wouldn’t because there were no pictures of him really smiling with teeth showing.. and I knew he’s been smoking all his life). I couldn’t look at him for a long time, like I usually can. And it just.. it didn’t click. We were talking about the smoking and smoking pot part, and I realised that he wouldn’t stop. He doesn’t want to and I don’t think I can deal with this behaviour once more. We weren’t even sitting that close together, yet I could smell the smoky-breath. I didn’t have the urge to touch him, and it actually was weird when I accidentally did.
If it just came down to character and our perspectives of relationships, it probably would work out. But there’s appearance and I need to at least feel connected and attracted to my boyfriend. And I seriously don’t and I feel so bad about it. I feel shallow. Because I know that he’s still interested. He has texted me saying that I can tell my friend to continue setting us up.

I’m not sure what to do. Go on and hope that maybe I can overlook these things and still fall in love? Who says I need to have a crush on him on our first date? Or do I tell him already? I really do not know and I feel so so bad about all of this. I wish I could make these emotions appear.

how will we continue? | offering my feelings.

I am sorry for this very long post yesterday. I just needed to get some things off my chest. I did send that exact text to Stan. What for? I do not really know, to be honest. I don’t really expect an answer. I am pretty sure that he will read it. But why did I send it to him? I don’t know. Maybe I just wanted to let him know how I feel about this situation. Because I can not put these things into words when he is next to me. I am way better in collecting my feelings while I type them out. Because the more I get into them, the more feelings flow. Maybe that is a solution? I have been thinking about creating a blog I will give the address to him so he can read how I feel whenever. But would he? Does he even want to know how I feel? I’m not sure.

Stan has asked to see me again tomorrow after work. I don’t know what to expect. I’m not really hoping for a prompt solution. I don’t know what he wants to tell me for we have kept arguing ever since Monday. He did ask me yesterday if I, too, wanted to end things. If I wanted to talk once more, because he wanted to let me know a few more things. Or whether I wanted to just let it be and move on. I told him that I didn’t want to end the relationship for lack of feelings, but that I wanted this to end so the pain would end. And I said I would like to talk once more. He just suggested a time and that was it. It felt like talking business. No more feelings involved.

I sent the text this morning. He has texted me saying “no I don’t understand English and I have no time to think about what you mean. It’s a pity, but I’m not you”. I didn’t want to change the language to my mother tongue, because for some weird reason I can type out my feelings way better in English. So I translated it for him.
…. He has now broken up with me. We will talk once more tomorrow in person. He said that he hasn’t been completely honest and he wants to tell me about it. He thanked me for the text, that it has been beautiful and cute, but that it was too late. That I couldn’t touch him anymore with something like this. That in the future I need to trust my partner that he is trying to make me happy. That he never wanted to make me unhappy. That he wanted to have a relationship for life with me. but that I didn’t trust him. He has given up when he realised I wasn’t happy with him anymore. He has given up, because he wants someone else to have a chance to make me happy.

I have been crying ever since. It is very hard on me and I am not sure I can handle this pain. I really don’t.

he just doesn’t understand.

The thing is, I really know that it is not my fault. I have been honest with Dodo right from the beginning, I was honest and told him when he had to cut it down. I told him I couldn’t promise him that things would work out. I never did any wrong, so why am I still asking myself what I did wrong? I do not know. I don’t know if I should have been even more straight forward?.. but then how?

I texted him the following this morning after a sleepless night and nightmares about him whenever I would fall asleep:
I don’t really know what to say. I can’t exactly say that I am surprised about this, I had just hoped that it wouldn’t happen anyway. I already told you that I can’t – nor want to fulfill your expectations, and that’s still the case. You have expectations on a relationship I cannot fulfill. And you are so fixated on me, that I really had to cut down on the contact hugely.
I also have told you already, that I can’t promise you that my feelings will evolve, and that’s why I want to be honest: I don’t want you to have these hopes further on. Hopes that we will get together somewhen. I just don’t feel the same as you, and that’s why I don’t want you to have hope on a future of us together. Sure, we’ll never know what’ll happen in the future, but right now there’s no future together for me. And I don’t want you to wait for me.

It took me a lot of courage and a lot of ignoring my side of trying to protect everyone of hurt.. but I sent it. His response was:
I don’t know whether I am too dumb, naive or whatever but somehow this just doesn’t make sense to me. I tried to look at it from every perspective but I just don’t understand.

So of course I asked him what was so hard to understand about all of this, because,.. really? I have been forward with him. He said “All of this, I probably just have taken too much too seriously of what you’ve written.
This sounded really rude to me (is it just me?), blaming it on me, when really he misunderstood what I said. So – yes I was mad and replied:
“I would understand your reaction if it had been 3 weeks ago, but I have told you twice already, that you should keep your expectations low – so I don’t really see this as unexpected. And yes, you probably have interpreted way more into it than I actually have said, but I have never been untruthful or didn’t mean what I said.”
To which he then said “It seems like I just lack on experience and maturity to deal with such things.”

What more can I say? I think have been more than clear enough about this. I can’t say anything else, can I? He probably really was too naive, put too much thoughts or hopes into things that weren’t there. I feel like he thought I am deeply in love, when I never was. I never told him that I had a crush. Yes we kissed. But as I told you guys, there was no spark for me. I understand that he is hurt and probably doesn’t want to understand that his ‘seemingly one‘ doesn’t want him. But he needs to accept this and move on,… right?!

serious relationship talk has happened!

I did see my schoolmates again this week, and them asking how it was going with Dodo made me feel very uncomfortable. I told them “everything was good, it always is when there’s no official relationship”,.. well basically it is, it’s just not in my head. And I hated to tell them that things were going great, when they weren’t exactly. Well, they are.. just not in my head. This makes no sense whatsoever.
I mean I told one schoolfriend how I felt (I think I told you guys in my last post about that situation), but I’m not eager to explain them that I am in a very similar place again like with Ken. And realising this, made me cringe. So I decided to make something different this time.

Dodo asked me on Monday, if I’d like to meet up somewhen that week. I told him no, because I wanted to get used to my work schedule and knew I would be shattered in the evening from being on my feet all day long. He asked me again yesterday, if we could meet up at the weekend and I said “yes”. He then asked if I’d like to sleep over today and I said I would think about it. When I woke up today, I knew I couldn’t do it. I just knew that he would expect me to sleep with him. I’m not sure why, I just had that intuition. And I decided to write him an e-mail to explain my feelings a bit. It was long overdue.

I felt bad for holding them back as long as I have now (it has been about 3 weeks I guess, but I only really realised a week ago that I was not ready for this). Long story short: I told him that I am not sure if I was ready for another relationship, that I am not yet over the relationship with Momo and that I needed time for myself. That I would like to keep it going as we are having it right now, but not increasing the contact (like weekly sleepovers and stuff). I need some time to myself to find out if I can do this or not. Time to think if this is the right thing, time to find out if I am falling in love with him or not. And I told him that I didn’t want him to hold back from dating other girls or whatever IF he wanted to, because I am having trouble with this. That I couldn’t ask him to wait forever. I also told him that I was feeling “unready” when he started to touch me last week, and that I felt bad for not being able to give him what he wanted. Basically what I told you guys in my last post.

When one writes a text like this, you do have some kind of expectation on the reply, right? I didn’t know what to expect at all. I didn’t know how I expected him to react to this. If he’d be okay or totally shattered…
His first response was “okay…”. I am not going to lie, I was really disappointed. I’ve known him for 10+ years and I did not expect him to say “okay”. Just “okay”. He’s not that type of guy to not say something about feelings. So I put my phone aside and walked away.
When I returned to my phone an hour later I had 3 long texts from him, explaining a lot. I didn’t even read them, when I already felt a lot calmer. That was more like him… He said that the thing with his ex-girlfriend has long been over (I also wrote that I felt like he probably isn’t over her already, since they only broke up 3 weeks ago and they’ve been together for 9 years and I feel like he’s rushing into the next thing to get his mind off the breakup) and that he has no other chance than to “wait” for me, because I am that important to him and I make him happy. And he also apologised for asking so many times to meet up, but that he really liked spending time with me, cuddling, kissing and all. That I made him feel really good. And that he’s scared to lose me “again” (as we have been having contact on and off for over 10 years).

A couple of hours later he was really down, I could feel it. And he apologised and said that he probably did have more hope or expectations than he had realised. And this made me feel really bad. I knew this. I knew he had evolved feelings already and that he was having hope, and that’s why it was so important to me to tell him those things. We talked for a while about this and told him that this didn’t mean “no to ‘us'”, it meant that I needed some time in this stage we currently are on and take it slow. It doesn’t mean I don’t see us working out. And by now we can talk normally again, so I think it was a good thing to do. He did say he was grateful that I was being honest, but it also was hard on him, I noticed that.

Basically… we are back to zero, not knowing where the future leads us, but as it seems, we are both eager to take things slow and see where the future leads us. I don’t know if it’ll take me a year to put my mind around this, or if it takes me 2 months. But I am just sick of rushing into something I don’t want – for the sake of the other guy. I need to take a step back and think about my feelings first – or I will hurt yet another guy who is important to me, just because I want to force feelings to show up. So this was good. I think.

Fingers crossed.

changing myself.

I know the last few posts must have seem as if I blame everything on Momo. That our relationship didn’t work out, and to say that this is – for the biggest part – true, is not very fair at all. I can’t say it’s his fault, but just between him and I it would have never worked out. Not because he’s a wrong human being or didn’t change for me, but because our personalities just wouldn’t suit for long-term. So no, I am not blaming him. I’m just trying to stay angry at him, for saying how much he wanted me and not doing anything about it. And I think that’s something I’m allowed to do. Does this make any sense to you?!

What I actually wanted to say with this, is, that I have also realised that there are things I need to change about myself. Reflecting what has happened in the entire relationship, there have been quite a few mistakes on my side as well. In the end the mix of both of our faults have caused the breakup, but there are things I’d like to change and keep in mind:

  • I need to be honest, right from the beginning. I don’t struggle with being honest, but I kept telling myself that it might get better again,
  • I need to say out loud what I’m thinking right from the beginning. Not waiting for the moment when I can’t bear it anymore or am so annoyed that I don’t want to see the other person anymore.
  • I need to be straight out with how I’m feeling. It doesn’t matter whether that’s good feelings or bad. I have been struggling with telling people how I feel all my life. Ever since I first started seeing my psychologist it has improved heaps. Even my mother has complimented me on how much I have opened up in the last few months.
  • I need to calm down on the bad thoughts and the jealousy. Whilst I think I have handled the jealousy pretty good, given all the crap that my ex has done in his past (I have met probably a dozen or so girls he’s banged…), I shouldn’t let my mind wander into these wrong places of distrust.
  • Don’t let yourself be talked into things you do not want to do. No matter how much you love your spouse. I have been doing things, I did not enjoy at all, but did it for him. This is not okay when it leads to anxiety.

I think these are the main points. I have learned to try and be understanding in certain things I cannot really grasp, but then I tried. Although I have learned a lot in this relationship, I would take nothing to get it back, to be honest. I wish it didn’t happen in some ways, but then it has helped me grow a lot. I just got so many bad things from it, that I’m worried I cannot get the trust in men back.

Of course I am also terrified that I will not find a man. But somehow, right now, I’m not that worried. I have been dreaming about dating strangers a lot, which was weird… and have also been “dumped” by a lot of guys who have been hitting on me through the entire relationship, so that didn’t feel good either. But it’s okay. At some point I will meet someone new and right now I really am looking forward to the dating again.