dumped

Help.

This will be my last post about P (probably not).

When I recorded that voice message last night, I knew very well that I would not be able to handle a “no” from him. I knew what I wanted to hear. But there was a reason I was unsure about the whole situation, there have been flags all around. So I needed to ask. I needed to hear it.

He replied this morning and when I first read it, it sounded pretty good to me. But the more times I read it and the more I talked about it with friends, the more I realised that it actually was pretty clear that he was not interested anymore.
He’s always been honest. And he was plain out honest, which I appreciate. I just should ignore my gut feeling, which is still telling me to not give up. But my head has overtaken this position now and I have finally given up. For several reasons.

First of all good morning… so I listened to you voice message yesterday and I do understand your point very well. Unfortunately I don’t really know myself what is best for me currently. And my father’s passing is also still messing me up. The little time we did spend together, I perceived as very nice and I do not regret it at all! However I think, that it wasn’t the best idea to have sex this quickly.
Of course we can meet again at some point, go out for a drink or whatever you want. I just don’t know if I want a relationship right now, as I’ve said before. Not because of you, but because of my current situation 🙈 I have also deleted most of these stupid dating apps!
I really do like you and you are a nice woman. But if we would work out, I don’t really know ☺ (until now, no woman has put up with me 😄)…
I don’t think this answer will help you – but I’m not sure what to tell you.
Best of all you’d pick up a hot guy in Dubai 🤣

This was his message to my voice message. Some things were very cute, and for the first time ever he actually told me that he liked me. But his wording of “but if we would work out, I don’t really know”, it seemed more like a “no we wouldn’t” than otherwise.
I have no idea why he thinks like that, or what is letting him think we would not work out. Stupidly I didn’t ask, which I now always think about of course. He also mentioned how I should hit on someone else, there’s not much more to say about moving on from him, right?
The thing is, I don’t know if he just doesn’t want me to wait, or if he is not interested.

So that’s what I asked. I told him that I was not interested in seeing anyone else but him and that I understood that there was no guarantee we would end up together either way. I told him again that I would wait a year for him, if it’d help him.
He then replied that he doesn’t really know and he really doesn’t “want to waste my time or getting my hopes up, when in the end it doesn’t work out anyway”. Once more pointing in a direction of us not working out.

I explained to him that this felt right for me and therefore it was no waste of time in my opinion. I then more or less asked whether he did not see us working out at all, or was neutral or even positively towards it. He said he was neutral. Is that a good thing? Was he trying to be nice and not hurt me by not saying “I can’t see us”?
I let him know to tell me if his mind changes in any way and it would be okay for me to just see where things would lead us. He then was saying “but it must be okay for you as well… at least we haven’t seen each other in a while by now”. I’m not really sure why he said this. I know we haven’t seen each other in a while, but would that change my mind? More likely it changed his mind.

He then didn’t reply anymore when I said we should just see where things are leading us without any pressure. So I told him that I really need him to be honest and not meet up with me, if he’s not feeling like it. And he said he obviously would.

By then it was like 3 hours after that first text. I had been silently crying at school and really needed some reassurance (which I knew I would not get). So I asked if it may help him sort his feelings out if we saw each other or if he would feel even more pressured by this. Of course I had hoped for a “yes let’s do this”, but I knew I wouldn’t get that. Instead I got a “I will think about it”. Which is a no, right?

So I guess it’s quite obvious why I’ve given up. My heart and mind are fighting, I can literally feel my heart being torn in each direction, not wanting to give up… but also just knowing what I am reading. It is a lot of interpretation, but he’s always been straight forward. Obviously he is not ready for a relationship right now, and the way I read this, not ever with me. So why should I drag myself along in hopes to get my “dream man”, when he is not interested? He may like me, but he doesn’t like me like that.

Yes, it fucking hurts and I have tried to stay strong. Haven’t cried (until now) and probably will be ugly crying myself to sleep tonight. I don’t know what to do. I know I need to leave him be, and I will. I will back away, because that’s what he obviously wants. But it’s hard. Having relied so much on my gut feeling that was as strong as never before… it’s hard to be disappointed. It’s hard to be so sure about someone, when he doesn’t see a future in you. Yes it hurts. And yes, when I drove home after thinking about all of this all day, I realised that my depression has knocked on the door and I let it in. This will be a hard time and I am glad I can go back to work in a month, so I can get my mind off all of this. I really just sort my feelings and decide what to do from now on. I know I cannot simply let him go, but I must. I need to let him go, because he doesn’t want to. But I also know I can’t ignore my feelings I have developed already. And I will wait to see what he’s doing or saying over the next few days or weeks. There’s nothing else left to do, right?

Help.

 

 

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goodbye to Doc?!

The ups and downs of my feelings for Doc are horrible. Well there are no true feelings for him, I’ve only met him 1.5 weeks ago. But he has slowly slipped out of my grip these last few days. He answered on Sunday evening, and then I didn’t hear from him until last night again – when beforehand he would text me 2-5 times a day. And even yesterday’s reply probably was due to me sending a picture (joke about doctors). He then replied pretty quickly, but no more questions about me. So you see, the interest has vanished completely – or so it feels like.
I’m just scared to be misinterpreting everything and losing him because of my stupid head. But I also don’t want to corner him, when he indeed is just too shy to tell me what is going on.

This has set me a few steps back again. When I reread my last post, it was so full of positivity and hope. This has vanished by now. I don’t think Doc and I are ever going to meet. And that’s okay. I just need to hear it from him. And that’s why I’m considering asking him straight forward.

“I’m already gonna tell you goodbye, as I’m taking off early tomorrow morning and most likely will have no internet for the time being.
By the way, I didn’t mean to scare you off by asking to meet up, because I feel like you haven’t been as talkative since I asked. Don’t get me wrong, you are cool and everything, but if you’re not interested it is totally fine for me and you can tell me straightforward. I’m pretty simple when it comes to these things 🙂
Or maybe I’m just misinterpreting things and it really is about your rare time/stress and my feeling is wrong once more. I do not know. I’m sorry for blabbering on, but I really needed to get it off my chest and I don’t want to accuse you of anything. I hope you don’t misunderstand.
Anyway.. maybe we’ll talk when I’m back home, otherwise I wish you a nice time 🙂 and don’t work too much!”

This is what I sent him. It’s actually quite hard to put this feeling into words, without them sounding like an accusation or me sounding like that whiney little girl, with no self-esteem whatsoever. I mean it is totally okay to not be his type of girl, or us just being friends… or maybe not even this. I don’t want to lose him, because he seems nice. That’s why I was scared to send it in the first place. I could just live on in the dream of some day dating him. But it has done me no good with Alan already, when I just dreamt of us getting back together, when the reality told me the opposite.
We’ll see. I’ll let y’all know when I’m back home.

the guys are going insane!

So. As I mentioned in my last post, I unfriended Yavin on any social media and deleted his number. It actually felt good, not to have an opportunity to text him and I was – surprisingly – dealing well with the situation.

Then on Thursday night I received a text message from him, saying “the more fool you“. I was really surprised to read again from him, so I was just like “about what?”. Let’s be honest. I knew what he was talking about, but I didn’t think he would be mad about me deleting him off everything. HE didn’t want to talk anymore, so where was the problem?

He didn’t reply again, so I just let out what I was holding back for a while now:

Me: I really don’t know what your problem is, but it seems like you have one. But you can’t even open your damn mouth about it. I can not do any more than offering you to forget what has happened and if you can’t even reply to that… then well yeah, the more fool you!

Him: You have already deleted and unfriended me everywhere. So let’s just leave this be. Have a nice time

Me: Yavin, I’m gonna tell you one last time: the way you’ve treated me the last 2 weeks, made me think that you do not want to talk to me no more. I thought we might try again to talk to each other in a normal way, but then you didn’t reply again? I’m not gonna punish myself even more in having to look at your face on social media. I can’t tell you more than that I like you and am interested. If you don’t believe me, I can’t change anything.
I’ve deleted you for the only reason that I do not want to have any way to contact you, not because I don’t want to talk to you. I  know myself, I never give up. And I don’t want to run my head against the wall over and over again. So I just let you decide whether you text again or not.

[ He didn’t reply again for 30 minutes… ]

Me: Well, I guess this is a final goodbye then. No matter how ridiculous this is, I was glad I met you. Goodbye.

I did not get a reply again, and I guess I never will. I really don’t know what his fucking problem is, and honestly… I don’t care anymore. It feels like he has a huge problem with his self-confidence, and I am not willing to put up with that bullshit, if he is treating me that way! I gave him so many chances to get back into this, and he took none. So why should I keep trying?!

On the other hand, he made me go out a lot more again this week and I loved it. I guess that is also the main reason why I am so happy despite everything that has happened.

And on a whole other note: Kenny is back with his girlfriend *lol* Really, this was no surprise to me. I asked him why he went back and he said, that she told him she would change. We all know this is not gonna happen, as their problem is much huger than just what he told her. But who cares really? He also told me yesterday that he really would love to kiss me again, but he can’t. I asked why he can’t (I was drunk and I just wanted him to tell me. I didn’t even have any feelings towards him, so he wouldn’t hurt me – no matter what he said) and he said, so I don’t get my emotions mixed up again. So he would totally cheat on his girlfriend again, but would not kiss me for the sake of my feelings. I actually was laughing out loud about this. He is so fucked up.

Actually. They both are.

goodbye Yavin | part 2.

So actually shortly after I wrote up that post, I received a message from Yavin. I’m gonna simply state what our conversation was like and then write down my thoughts. Because I need to get them out one last time and then I’m done. For good.

Him: Hey, I do understand your argumentations, but we never really talked to each other or were serious in any way. Or I didn’t read it as more than just texting each other every once in a while. I am very busy right now and simply forgot about our date. But we only set a date, nothing fixed. So I don’t really see the problem. I’m sorry if you thought differently, I didn’t realise it was that important to you.

Me: Well, that it was just texting every once in a while for you I noticed and that’s why I asked you what you were thinking of this and YOU said that you were interested. I know that we simply set a date, because YOU said you’d text me with a time and place, because you are so busy. But it’s okay if it wasn’t that important to you, so I know it was just wasting time for you.

Him: I didn’t say that. But as I said before, I never took it as serious or that you were interested. We were fooling around and never really talked about any serious stuff. As if I had the time to just fool around.

Me: I told you pretty clearly that I am interested and that I like you. So don’t you dare say I didn’t show you!

Him: As said before, I didn’t take it as that. But let’s just leave this be, you’re just mad and disappointed, so no good start at all.

Me: I’ve told you before that I am not going to force you into talking to me or getting to know me. That’s not me and if you’re not into talking to me, that’s okay. Just like I’m not going to force you to talk to me now. If you’re giving up now, that’s okay, I’ll accept it. I just thought we matched pretty good. Sure I am disappointed, you would be the same if you were looking forward to a date that much and then he’d dump you, right? You were the first one I trusted in a very long time and that’s why I am so mad. But as I said, I’m gonna leave it to you. Sorry that this happened.

Really? I don’t even know why I apologised, as it wasn’t my fault at all. He tried to turn it around to make this my fault, but I was over this point of self-loath, because I knew I didn’t do anything wrong. I told him about my emotions pretty early on, so he wasn’t in the place to tell me that I was just fooling around!

And to not start something new, he didn’t reply to that last message to me again. SURPRISE! But honestly? I didn’t expect him to. No one else would have given him a second chance after that bullshit and yet I did. I now have deleted his number, unfollowed him on instagram and restricted him on facebook (will unfriend him soon enough). I’m not in a place to play such games, if he has a problem in reading things into pretty damn clear words.. well that’s his problem. I’m not going to run after him anymore. Sure I still feel like it was a loss, as we were having a lot of fun. But let’s be real here. I told him so many times that I was not looking for fun, I told him I liked him, and that I was interested. If this still made him think that I was not interested, I don’t know how fucked up his damn brain is. And if he really is that dumb, I am not actually sure this is a guy for me anyway.

So goodbye Yavin for good this time!

goodbye text to Yavin

As I mentioned in my last post, I did write up a text to send to Yavin but decided against it after a few days. I was talking to a friend the other day and she said that I should let my gut decide whether to send the text or not. I told her that I don’t see what I would reach with it, and she said it doesn’t matter whether there’s any outcome, but if my gut tells me to send it, I just should.

I went on with my day that day. Not thinking about that text no more. Yesterday evening I was laying in bed and reread that text and all of a sudden, I did have that gut feeling to send it. So I added some things and changed them up a  bit and sent the following text:

Hey Yavin… look, I actually didn’t want to text you no more and just see if there’s gonna be a text from you. Or how long it’ll take you. But it seems that won’t happen anymore. I’ve been thinking about whether to send this or not. In the end I don’t really have to lose or win anything at all. I just want to let you know a few things:

I’m disappointed in you. The first time in forever I actually thought, you would be different. I really was looking forward to seeing you, getting to know you. I liked to talk to you. And I believed everything you said to me. I let you be, when you didn’t text, I tried to give you time and still kept my hope and belief in you. Just for you to be pigeonholed like any other men. I’m not disappointed that you (seem to) not be interested anymore, but because you just couldn’t send me a short message saying “hey, I’m sorry but this is not what I’m looking for, let’s leave it be here”, but decided to ghost me instead. Searching for excuses why you couldn’t talk, set a date and not even cancel. I really thought you would have more respect. I would have understood and accepted your decision, if you just could have been honest and tell me what your problem was. Like this I’m just not understanding and ask myself all the time, what I could have done different – although I didn’t do anything wrong in the first place.

You really have hurt me a lot with your behaviour and I hope you are aware of that.
Anyway, have a nice time and good night.

I’m not sure if I really can be neutral about it, but I feel like I have been fair enough and not been mean, just stating the facts about how I feel whilst not getting too emotional either. I turned my phone off, because as soon as the thought of actually sending it hit me, my heart started to race. I then went to bed. I even dreamt about that damn text, and that I got no reply back.

I guess my brain knew, before my heart accepted it. I woke up at 6am this morning and finally turned my phone back on. And although I knew there was a chance he wouldn’t react, I didn’t expect him not to. But then… my feeling about him has been wrong all along, why should I be right now?! So, there was no text waiting from him. I deleted his chat. Checked if he had unfriended me on any social media (not the case yet).

So after putting everything into it, I got nothing out of it. Again. But I think I can now move on. The anger is slowly resurfacing and that’s the stage I need to get to, to get over someone. Yes, I have lost a huge bunch of faith and hope into finding a guy again. I’m sick of seeing everybody in love around me. And all of them being so hopeful about love, telling me I will find someone someday when I least expect it. Blah, blah. Just the usual stuff you tell someone that is heartbroken….
But I need to get over my self-sorry ass and move on. I can live with myself, I have done so for the longest time. It shouldn’t be that hard to do so for another 40 years or so.

Goodbye Yavin. I guess it was nice will it lasted. Or maybe not.

how the story went on.

You might have thought of me over the last few days – or maybe you haven’t. Either way:

I’m better. Wednesday night was horrible and I was so worried I would fall back into depression. I was so sad and cried the entire night (it seemed like once the tears flowed, they wouldn’t stop). I got like 3 hours of sleep, looking like a mess when I finally got up at 6am for school. The first time since forever I actually had to put in some effort to put some makeup on, because you could tell that I was crying all night long. I felt horrible. Each time I woke up, I hoped to find a text of Yavin on my phone. But I didn’t.

It is now 3 days later and still no text. I know that he’s okay, since he’s been uploading pictures on instagram and facebook. And by now, I don’t expect to hear from him ever again. I actually caught myself looking for any signs of him deleting my number, or unfriending me on any social media. He hasn’t yet. Some good news: the tears stayed where they belong since Wednesday night. The hope is fading of him being what I imagined him to be. Sure, there still is a tiny sparkle, but I don’t think it will last that much longer. But my heart still skips a beat whenever a message pops up on my phone and I can’t immediately see the sender. I wonder how much longer it’ll take my head to realise, that it never is going to be him.

I would lie if I’d say that it is easy to get over him. It still hurts when I think of him, but the distance is helping. The accepting that he might never text me is helping as well. I just try not to think about it at all, if I’m being honest. My friends asking about him is making this difficult at times. But I just tell them that he hasn’t texted yet and I do not expect him to any time soon. Pushing things away I cannot deal with – my usual way of dealing with it.

I just wish he’d said why this happened. I still do not understand. And I wrote a pretty long text Wednesday night that I wanted to send. But I held myself back and told myself, if I still feel the need to tell him in a week, I might send it. But I actually don’t do so anymore. I even feel like he shouldn’t know how much he’s hurt me. Because what will I get of it? Nothing. If he really needs to know what he’s making me feel, he’s so not worth it. If he can’t think for himself, I do not want him.

What makes it that much harder though, is, that it seems like everybody is falling in love around me. I actually can not name you one friend that is not falling in love or has been in a relationship for the longest time. Even that one friend, that has always been single with me, is now dating. And I would be lying if I’d say I wasn’t jealous. But there’s not really anything to do about it, right?

It’s time to keep my head high and move forward.

no more texts

So let’s not drag this out.

He dumped me.

This entire day I thought he would text me. At least shortly before we were supposed to meet. But then slowly 5pm rolled around, without a text. I tried to get my mind off things. My mom returned on 6pm, asking what was going on. And then when 7pm hit, I knew there would be no more texts. He is online on facebook all the time, so even my excuses of him probably still being busy at work are not valid. Or not having a second to text me. Invalid. I need to look the truth in the eye and stop pretending that he cares.

I was okay throughout the day. I got upset after the third person asked me whether he texted me. I was upset because I believed he would text by then. But he didn’t.
And I feel so so sad. I feel betrayed. And mostly disappointed. I feel like shit, and still the tears won’t come.
After more than a year I finally trusted a guy enough to have a date. To give him the possibility to get into my life. And to be honest, I let him into my heart way too fast. I got my hopes up, way too easily. And that’s the price I gotta pay now. For being so naive. For trusting someone I didn’t know.

I thought he was different. I did nothing wrong, I need to remember this. I am so disappointed, because he didn’t even have to guts to tell me. Ghosting me? This is kindergarten. And it makes me so mad that he doesn’t even tell me what’s going on. How hard is it to just tell someone you’ve never met, that you’re not interested? It’s one simple little text, for god’s sake. Why do people always feel like not texting them anymore is better? What is so hard about being honest and let them go, if you don’t want them in your life? Just let them have an explanation, so they don’t search for faults in themselves. Just let them go.

I was so convinced that he was different. I truly believed in him to be the guy I want to have by my side. He seemed so perfect, so much like me. He seemed like a truthful one. Not playing any games. And still I’m sitting here in bed, thinking there will be a simple explanation. But there isn’t, or he would’ve told me.

I was so wrong. So so wrong. But I should be used to this. Life never gets me what I want. Not that way anyway. Not when it comes to love.

And now the tears finally flow.