oh men.

You  know what is a pleasant surprise? Well, not pleasant, but it was a surprise to me. Greek texted me the other day. The conversation was quite strange to say the least, as he straight away asked me if I had been dating other men and simply stated that he has been dating. Not that I was interested, but it seems there are guys out there that need to make girls feel really low. I was okay with him moving on, more so than I thought, however he quickly got back to asking for a second date. I denied and told him that I was not interested in dating whatsoever. He took it pretty well though.

I also bumped into Stan the other day. Well not exactly bumped into him, but we “crossed paths” with our cars. I don’t think he saw me and I was pleasantly surprised that I only got that feeling in my stomach when I get really angry, nothing more. Yes, he’s been on my mind again loads ever since. Little things that he’s done that really upset me, cross my mind. That’s all.

Kenny is actually quite fun to chat with, when no emotions are involved on my side. He’s getting quite clingy, which is funny now that it’s my part to make the rules of the love-game (and be the game maker). He asked me if I was being okay:

I’m always worried that you misunderstand me. And then think I’m even more stupid.

I nearly told him that he’s done the damage before already, when he stopped talking to me all of a sudden and was playing games. But I wasn’t in the mood to go down that road. What I said instead was, that there’s a huge chance that I indeed misunderstand him and that there’s nobody who can do the right thing right now. He kept saying things about how he’s worried about me, but I didn’t let him talk me into anything.
It’s great to just not bother whether or not he replies. Or not bother replying myself. I don’t care, really don’t.

messing with my head!

Micah and I. A whole new story.
I am actually VERY keen on him. Like ridiculously keen. I like his intelligence, his humour and just the way he talks texts. I am also very fond of him asking to see me. He was fooling around asking to see me on Saturday, but I’m actually busy for the next 2 weeks, which is a bugger. I know that this could all be different in real life, and that’s why I’m trying to tell myself not to get any hopes up. What if there’s no chemistry in real life between the two of us?!

However cute he is talking to me, and tells me he likes me a lot, he also has this side on him, where he keeps coming back to the sexual talk. I’m totally not interested in anything just-sexual and I told him so. We all know how I ended up with the last guy I let my horny self take over (not only did I get my heart broken and stamped on, I also got chlamydia).
Whenever I tell him off he usually stops being so talkative. I have tried ignoring him, but really… I miss him quickly. What really bothers me is, he was a bit inconsistent about his opinion on sex. He did say that he was old enough not to just be fooling around with several girls anymore. But then whenever we would talk about a date, he did say that we’d end up in bed, which I told him we definitely will not. I told him I am no girl for just a bit of fun for once and then we’re done. To which he said “I don’t care about sex, if it’ll happen it’ll happen”. Also when I said I wasn’t to “have fun with” he said: “I don’t want to just have fun either”, like what do you want then?
So I’m trying to stay off and see how he’s behaving over the next couple of weeks and meet up with him. Yes, I very much would like to kiss him, and really do miss the sex. But I am really not ready to get hurt used for sex again.

He is also very moody. Like he’d say that he really likes me and wants to see me, to which I said I want to see him too. “If you didn’t want to, it wouldn’t be that devastating either”, which to me sounds like he doesn’t care whether we see eachother or not. Then a day later he says “I would kiss you immediately if you were here” and 5 minutes later he’s like “I don’t have any hope.” Is he trying to not get his feelings involved – just like me?

I was also a bit… confused because it said in his profile that he never wanted kids, so I asked him (because as you might know, this is a huge problem for me) he then said that he wanted kids if it felt right with the girl. Then a day later I asked again and he said he was too old for kids. Like, what?

The conversation has subsided immensely since I told him I’d given up on telling him that he will not get me into bed. But he also said that he’s been busy so I just let him know to text me when he’s free again. This hasn’t happened yet. Not sure what to expect. I just fucking hate how much I already like this guy and I can’t seem to forget about him. Man. So not ready to get hurt again. Or vulnerable for that matter.

quick update on boysfront

So it has been a while. Here’s a quick update:

I have completely given up on Kenny. Yes, I am still sad. Not exactly about the loss of a serial cheater, but just the friendship over all. There has been some kind of spark. I’m not sure what happened when he started ignoring me. Maybe his girlfriend found out, maybe he was just sick of me. Who knows? I haven’t heard a word from him for 2 weeks. Have since deleted his number and unfriended him on facebook, after sending him a lovely message about how I was so disappointed that he never has been honest and that I wish him just the best for the future. No reply. And it’s okay. I’m not okay about it yet, but it is okay.

Greek is a whole other story. Somehow we ended up ignoring each other over the weekend. I’m not sure what happened – or if anything happened at all and it’s just in my head. But I was okay, as I needed some time away from boys. We have gone back to casual talk every now and then, but not like it was before. I’m not sure what he wants, but I’m okay with the distance that has grown between us.

So there’s no boys whatsoever on my front. Is it boring? Yes. Do I want any freakin change? No. Do I miss having someone to cuddle? Hell, yes. I really miss having someone like Momo. Having a good friend I just can be me. Once that takes me as I am and is there to be talked to about my daily boring life. But I have given up on finding one. At least for now. And no, I am not okay with it, but I’ll get there somewhen.

the aftermath of the date.

I’m not sure what happened here. Conversation was still flowing after our date yesterday as usual. And I didn’t know if I should keep it down or tell him how I feel about him or just see how it was going. I went with the latter.

I fell asleep pretty early yesterday, replied to his message this morning… but today the conversation was really low. Maybe I was worrying too much, and he doesn’t want to go any further either? Maybe he isn’t even interested in me at all, and I just misinterpreted all the wrong signs? I’m not sure, but the emails have decreased immensely, and so have our WhatsApp conversations.

Am I sad? I don’t really know actually. I don’t know what to think about any of this. I have been worrying ever since how to tell him that I am not interested in a relationship, but maybe… this whole thing is solving itself. I do like him. I really do. And I still feel as bad about not clicking with him, because I so much want to.. but I realised that this is not it. I need to click with someone, I need to feel attracted and I am pretty sure that I probably never will get attracted to him for several reasons.

He did say at some point today that he was gonna answer my email and that “I hope you don’t think it’s because I didn’t like our date yesterday. I just spontaneously met a friend yesterday. But still wanted to talk to you via WhatsApp”. I just said that I wasn’t worried at all.

I really don’t know. But I really do want to start dating someone, I want these butterflies back. I really miss them, but I also know that there’s nothing to be forced on this matter. I just wish, I could.

date with Greek.

So you know. I had the date with Greek today.

As you might already guess, I’m not as excited as I wish to be. It wasn’t bad or anything, not at all. It’s just that my “worries” have more or less settled now. I did want to give this whole thing a chance, not to break it off before even trying.. but it’s not gonna happen.

We did have good conversation for 3 straight hours. There were like 3 times or so when we didn’t talk all the time, but it wasn’t awkward silences. It was like talking to a new-old friend. A new friend, who doesn’t know a lot about you, yet you feel very close to him. We talked about school and life, but also about deep stuff. I didn’t feel weird at all.

But.

He’s not boyfriend material. Not for me at least. I knew it from the moment I saw him on the stairs. He’s cute. I love his eyes. But he doesn’t have that catching smile I need. He doesn’t have nice teeth at all (but then I did guess he wouldn’t because there were no pictures of him really smiling with teeth showing.. and I knew he’s been smoking all his life). I couldn’t look at him for a long time, like I usually can. And it just.. it didn’t click. We were talking about the smoking and smoking pot part, and I realised that he wouldn’t stop. He doesn’t want to and I don’t think I can deal with this behaviour once more. We weren’t even sitting that close together, yet I could smell the smoky-breath. I didn’t have the urge to touch him, and it actually was weird when I accidentally did.
If it just came down to character and our perspectives of relationships, it probably would work out. But there’s appearance and I need to at least feel connected and attracted to my boyfriend. And I seriously don’t and I feel so bad about it. I feel shallow. Because I know that he’s still interested. He has texted me saying that I can tell my friend to continue setting us up.

I’m not sure what to do. Go on and hope that maybe I can overlook these things and still fall in love? Who says I need to have a crush on him on our first date? Or do I tell him already? I really do not know and I feel so so bad about all of this. I wish I could make these emotions appear.

meet the new one.

So. Greek.

This is actually kind of a blur, but I’m trying to remember most of the things we’ve done and said:
I met Greek on Badoo about a week back. Yes, I didn’t think I would ever meet a normal guy on there anymore and I wasn’t even interested in building up a friendship on there. It was pretty much down to me answering messages when I was extremely bored.
Greek sent me a message – not unlike others I got, yet we got into a conversation straight away:
“Hey! Well here is a very sympathetic lady! Not trying to impress anyone with makeup, just honest and authentic – or that’s what I think anyway and I really like that! And your cat seems to belong to the same breed as mine… I hope you’re having an awesome weekend and would really like to read back from you. Cheers, Greek.” (12th March)

We started chatting away about books, cats, movies and whatever. It didn’t take us long, before our text messages grew and we switched to email, as there was a character-limit on Badoo. I loved that he was into books and movies as well, he’s not very outgoing either and he lives close to my home town. I word-vomitted about Stan and he listened. He was understanding. I felt understood.
As I said in a previous post, there are some things about him that I am not very fond of. One of which is that he’s smoking. And not just cigarettes but pot as well. I’m not sure how well I’ll be dealing with it, but we’ll see.

He asked me a day after we started chatting, if we could meet up. I was a bit… overwhelmed with this, as I was still hanging onto Kenny and am afraid that things will turn out like with Stan. So I explained to him that I needed some more time. He was very understanding, but also stating why he wanted to see me. Of course I was flattered, but yet.. no. I wanted to stay my ground.
Fast forward to Friday night. I told him that I was getting drunk that night and that he better not text me back, yet gave him my number. Logic. Where are you? Anyway, so I gave my phone to a good friend of mine and he suggested to pick me up after work and drive me home, as I was mindlessly drunk. I knew I didn’t want him to see me in that state, so I told him I would get home by myself but that I’d really like to see him on Tuesday. So here we are, me asking him drunk if we could start dating. Great. Just great.

I’m not even regretting whatever I said to him. We do get along pretty good and clicked straight away. Am I afraid? Yes. I am actually terrified that I won’t like him in real life. Or that there’s something I don’t like about his appearance. I really don’t know where this is coming from, but we’ll see. But on a positive note, I didn’t even drunk-think about Kenny one time. Still no message from him by the way. But I couldn’t give less f*cks about it anymore.

the remorse following. | part 3.

He is very tall and has quite the pace, and I wasn’t in the mood to catch up, so I just walked behind, safe distance if he wanted to get rid of me. At some point he stopped, looked at me and asked what my plan was from now on. I said that I was heading home soon, as I was getting soaked (it was raining) and very tired. He said “I wish I could go come, too” and walked on. I followed until we got to a quiet corner, which was in shadows. I knew why, so I didn’t really hold him back. He kept glancing around the corner, because it was close to their meeting point and he was literally paranoid for someone to see us. At some point he even took a big step away, when someone walked by. Definitely didn’t want to be caught with me.

So there we were on a parking lot, shadows around us, raining (did I say I felt like in a movie before? Yeah, right.), talking about this and that. Him saying he would also like to go home, so I was just like “well join me?” (I only said because I knew he couldn’t), to which he said “well you have a car and I live by myself, so you can come to my place sometime maybe?” And also me throwing at him, how he had been fooling his friends twice that evening to get some alone time with me, to which he just smiled and said “clever, huh?”

Eventually we were kissing again. Him being very touchy and groping. I let him, I knew nothing would happen. The thought of his girlfriend crept in again, but I couldn’t get myself to ask, because I didn’t want to anger him or spoil that moment. I was very selfish, yes. And as I said before, I knew the remorse was here already, it couldn’t get any worse. I just want to point out that right from the beginning, I always told myself that I would not kiss him. If he did kiss me, I would kiss him back, but I would not make that move.

Now comes the part that really caught me off guard though: Around 12.15am he said he would go back to his band now. I said okay and kissed him goodbye. He kissed me. And kissed me again. And that’s how it continued for about 15 minutes. At some point I asked if he hadn’t said he wanted to leave at some point to which he replied “you’re not exactly making it very easy to leave, actually.” This was the cutest thing ever, right?
Anyway. So we kissed some more and then he just said “either you leave now, or something bad will happen” –> which I guess indicated sex. He was getting very horny, I could tell from his touches. So I left. For the sake of my mind – or what was left of it, my remorse that would soon enough follow and him not actually cheating on his girlfriend. (Definition of cheating? It was just a way to calm my mind a bit. Don’t get me wrong, kissing is cheating for me already.)

All the way home I couldn’t stop shaking my head for my stupidity of letting him kiss me although he had a girlfriend. Remorse on full force. And it hasn’t left me yet.
But when I think about the way he looked at me, about the things he said to me and if I didn’t know about that girlfriend, I’d actually say he has a crush on me. Now this leaves me in a pretty darn bad place, and I do not know what to do. He invited me to a party on Saturday again, to which I might actually go, I don’t know yet. But I just really feel the need to talk about that whole situation and I don’t want to do it over WhatsApp (and surely won’t do so on a party either!).

I just really don’t even know what I want myself. Do I even want to date someone like that?… I texted him when I got home to be safe and thanks for the evening and didn’t text him today. He texted me around midday, so that was something I didn’t expect actually. But it’s like nothing happened, which is weird.

All I know is that I am already sick of my friends knowing, because they’re making my remorse that much worse than it already is. Saying things like “you really want a man that is cheating on his girlfriend like this?”.. I mean shut the fuck up, guys, you don’t even know what is going on. Just let me figure this out by myself, seriously. Do they really think I don’t have those thoughts? I am a very very remorseful person. And finding myself in such a place again just sucks. But I’m not going to lie, I really liked the attention and kissing. So there’s that.

Fuck this.

…I made him cheat. | part 2.

As mentioned in my other post – I knew he would kiss me at some point. I don’t know why, but I just did. And I let him. Yes, the thought about his girlfriend did creep in, but at that moment it was just him and I. I pushed the remorse far away to the back of my mind, as I knew it would come back with full force soon enough.
So he kissed me and then asked if he had managed to make me speechless again. I just smirked. He then said he had to go, so I asked if I should join him to which he replied “better just come to the concert on your own, or it would be a bit obvious to the band”…. okay then. Whatever that might mean.
The questions slowly started to sicker in at that point. Was he afraid about his girlfriend finding out with the ‘help’ of his colleagues? Most likely. Or maybe he just didn’t want them to know that there was something going on? Having his little treat all to himself, as he saw that Tiger was interested in me as well. And him kissing me, does that mean he isn’t on good terms with his girlfriend or aren’t they together anymore? What the actual fuck is going on here? I felt like in a movie, seriously.

So I went back and bumped into a good schoolfriend. They were just having a talk and she asked me about Kenny (I told her before that I would meet him and she came to say hi in the bar). I told her about the kiss and how I was left with that girlfriend-cheating situation. She is in a long-term relationship so there wasn’t much understanding. But she was very cute, saying I should just ask him and get going.
My friend, who actually was supposed to go there with me in the first place, joined us and we went to see Kenny’s concert. Kenny then left right after with his band again and gone he was. At that point I was pretty drunk, so although I get very cuddly and clingy (emotionally as well) when I’m drunk, I was okay spending time away from him for the time being, as I had to get the attention on my friend. I knew he wouldn’t do anything around people anyway.

Fast forward another hour, when he texted me asking where I was. I said that I was waiting for a friend, he then asked “to take home with you?”.. like what kind of a question is this? I said no.
About an hour later. I was just calling said friend who was very very drunk and not able to find me, was saying goodbye to my schoolfriend and saw Kenny walking by, so I just waved again. He stopped, waiting for me to end the call. Two of his band-colleagues joined in before I finished and he was ignoring me. Like, hard time. He was with his back to me and I was just the odd one out. I didn’t know what to do or think, I was actually thinking about leaving, when he treated me that way (it was also already 11.30pm and I had school in the morning – well no, let’s be real here, I was pissed to be treated that way).
They were talking about going to another bar but I was done with drinking for that night. Kenny said yes, but told the others to go already. He then started walking away. I didn’t know if I was meant to follow him or just take it as very rude. But I just walked along like a little puppy…

Would I regret that decision?

what have I done?! | part 1.

I guess you’re all as excited to hear about my “date” with Kenny as I was meeting him. I will split up the posts, as it got quite lengthy.

Here goes the whole story of yesterday:

So I originally planned to go to that carnival party around 4pm with a friend. When 1pm came around she canceled and I was beyond angry. I so eagerly wanted to meet Kenny that I just kept asking different people to go with me, but I didn’t find anyone till 4.30pm. I was so thrilled then that my schoolfriend was okay in taking me into her group, so I left the house. I then bumped into schoolmate F, who I haven’t seen in over a year. But it felt like we never parted.
Now the thing with schoolmate F is, that I always end up drunk. I did want to drink a little, but didn’t want to get mindlessly drunk before meeting Kenny. But I could take a little drunken-courage. Take away a bit of the weirdness that had crept in since talking to Kenny.

So schoolmate F got drinks. A lot of them actually. So by 7.30pm when Kenny texted me where he was exactly, I was quite tipsy already. I had to get rid of schoolmate F, which didn’t prove to be that hard, and went to that bar Kenny said he was in. It was full to the brim, so I texted him saying that I was waiting right outside.
He didn’t look at his phone anymore, so after waiting for 10 minutes I decided to go to the loo. When I came back, he was just getting out of there and I waved. He didn’t realise who I was at first – I think – but then he came over to give me a tight hug and the biggest smile on his face. And right there when I looked him in the eyes, the way he looked at me, I knew he would kiss me eventually throughout the night when he got the chance.

As you might notice, I didn’t exactly have any friend to look for, so I was also freely in going with whomever I wanted. Kenny’s friend who was with them (Tiger) asked to go to another bar and asked me to join them, so I did. I actually talked to Tiger all the way there, looking at Kenny every other minute or so. I did feel bad, but I also thought it might be good not to be too obvious and clingy.
So then Kenny continued what schoolmate F started and started buying me drinks (keep in mind the last time I ate was at 1pm). The thought of him getting me sloshed, did creep into my mind, but then I didn’t really care too much, to be honest. We were in there for probably 2 hours, talking and having fun. There was also a couple of guys, who thought that him and I were a couple, so you know… yet they were hitting on me hard. I didn’t know whether I should appreciate it, so Kenny would see I was free to anyone, or if I should give him more attention. I tried to give it to all of them, yet being very forward to the guys to say that I was not interested in them (they were also like 20 years older, so you know). Kenny was very flirty throughout that time though, we didn’t talk directly to each other a lot, but there were quick glances all the time. At some point he asked me about my tattoos and was like “well either you tell me where you have them, or have it the unpleasant way” (meaning he’d take off my clothes). This kind of flirty and his friends were right there, so that was weird.

Kenny’s band then was next up for their concert and they had to go to their meeting point. Just a little background: Kenny is kind of the ‘headmaster’ to that band, so he’s organising all of it. So I figured he had to leave with them. But he didn’t. He told them he would finish up his drink and come right after.
So it was just the two of us left. Later on I realised that he was very clever to get that alone time that way. We left the bar shortly after and I asked if I should show him a shortcut to the place he had to get to, he accepted. We then stood at the crossroad, he looked at me,…

And kissed me.

 

why?

It’s been a while, I am very sorry. I somehow forgot about this place a little bit. How come? I do not know, I just never felt the need to vent somewhere besides my mother or my friends and was just overall very busy. Also.. there hasn’t been a new guy in my life… until now.

But first things first. I still struggle with getting Stan out of my mind. Passing his work place every single day is a hard thing, but I actually manage to keep him out most of the time. And one time we started talking about him at school, I started shaking I got so angry, so that’s a thing I am glad about. Definitely no more feelings apart from hate.

Now to that new guy – Kenny. He is actually not new at all. I have known him forever. I met him online in a chat when I was about 12 or 13 (so that makes it 13 years ago). I started chatting and fell head over heels for him. I asked to see him several times, but his excuse back then was that I was too “innocent” as I hadn’t kissed a guy back then yet and he didn’t want to steal that first kiss from me (he is 3 years older by the way). I somehow got to accept this at some point.
I can’t recall exactly how things went from then, but we did meet up several times at parties and just got along. There was never more to it than just small talk. One time in particular, I was about 16 then, I bumped into him at a party. My friends were away for the moment and we chatted. I knew that he had a girlfriend so I didn’t get any hopes up. When he went to say goodbye he started giving me kisses on the cheek. We give 3 kisses where I live, and we went for 1… 2… and then he just planted his lips on mine. I was speechless and didn’t know what happened until he was long gone. Even my friends who came back quickly after, asked me what was wrong, as I was so shocked.

I never quite forgot about this situation. I mean.. why would he kiss me when I first am too inexperienced for him and second he has a girlfriend?
Anyway. We never really got back into contact again, it was always an on and off and I would yearly bump into him at carnival. When I stopped going, I also stopped seeing him.

Now. As you know, I rejoined Facebook. He was one of the first guys who’d add me. I texted him today asking if he was in my city again on Thursday (because he always was that time around) and he said that he would and asked if I would show up, too. I said yes. We started chatting. Now just keep in mind that he has a girlfriend for the last 3 years and I know it. We started flirting. I asked him about that situation with the kiss and he was just like “wow you haven’t forgotten either?” – seems he hasn’t, which surprised me. A lot.
He asked how he could ever make up to it and I joked saying “you could marry me”, he said he would ask to marry him one day, but that we’d need to get to know each other for real. We kept on talking and the longer we talked, the more he flirted. I even started thinking he might have recently broken up with the girlfriend and just hasn’t taken it out of Facebook yet. So I just asked. He still is with the girlfriend. She’s just living away on work days. So why is he talking like that?
I will indeed go to that party on Thursday. I hope to see him, because I really want to know how he reacts… but I am just very sad and disappointed that I seem to bump into guys who have girlfriends and seem willing to cheat on them. Or at least they’re okay flirting with other girls. Why?