crush

Dodo is back in my life!

On a whole other subject, but still I want it to be documented on here:

This whole mess with Alan has made me talk to Dodo again. I knew he would be here for me, because he always is and was. No matter how badly I’ve treated him in the past, he never left my side. No matter how much I tried to push him away. He kept his distance, but held my hand if I asked him to. This is what true friendship means. Being able to talk to them at any time, without judgment. And even though we didn’t talk a lot over the last 2 years due to my reaction to his love confession, I knew he would be here for me at any minute.

I texted Dodo after Alan failed to reply to my confession about my depression. I told him that I just didn’t understand, how one could not react to a message like that. And let’s put some things straight here: Dodo didn’t know either. So let’s just compare these two reactions of my boyfriend and a friend;

  • Boyfriend: No reply
  • Friend: “First of all, do I need to be worried about you?! Secondly: I don’t know how one cannot reply to something like that. Of course one can be overwhelmed with that, but even though it’s a difficult subject, just not answering is pretty damn… bullshit. Of course, an answer should be well thought about. But if someone would tell me this, it means she trusts me and I should be able to reply with something.”

And just like that, with one single text he made me feel that much better. Better than my boyfriend probably ever did when it came to problems.
This conversation ended up with a huge rant from my side about my boyfriend. And he just listened and said what he thought. That’s what a friend – even more so a boyfriend – should do. That’s what “being there for someone” means.
And on a little side note: Whilst I was writing all this to Dodo he was at school. And he actually intentionally left the room to be able and be there for me. That’s what friends do. Putting priorities right.

Ever since, Dodo has texted me daily, making sure I am okay. Telling me to look for myself and not for Alan. Make sure that if he drags me any farther down, I need to leave him. He made me see my worth again. Made me realise that it’s not all in my head.

We then talked about some other things and all of a sudden he asked me about my depression (and that was the moment I would have loved to show this conversation to Alan, just to let him know that it was possible. Having a normal conversation, making me feel loved and cherished. Being actually interested in my life).

After we talked all day long, he then told me about his current problems with his “girl” (it’s not his girlfriend) and he told me that he’s just asking himself, why he’s invested so much time in her. To which I said “you probably asked yourself the same thing about me when ‘we broke up’ ” (apart from asking what had happened etc.)
He said “No I actually have never thought bad about you. I just asked myself what would have happened if things went a different way. What if I had reacted in another way than I did”. I told him though that he never did anything wrong (or at least that’s what I had in mind. It just didn’t work out for me).
At that point I had reread what had happened between us 2 years ago, because after everything that has happened with Stan, I totally forgot what the issue was. And I don’t think he could have done anything right or wrong. It just didn’t match for me.

However. I’m just glad to have someone back in my life, that is actually here. Always.

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emotions after the date | part 4.

Read part 1 here, part 2 here and part 3 here.

I actually never thought about him not being serious about me, or not having experienced the same crush that I did whilst we spent the whole weekend together. There were several occasions he actually more or less told me he saw me as his girlfriend, without actually saying it. Let me state a few:

  • I told him about my gay friend meeting someone, and falling in love.
    Him: So she’s fallen in love with you?
    Me: Nooo, someone else.
    Him: Oh good, or else I would have had to fight for you!
  • I told him about my brother being a little bit protective, but that he hadn’t met most of my boyfriends. Him “well, hopefully I will be the last boyfriend he has to meet then”.
  • “What do you think about marriage? Like, would you come along if we’d marry abroad? Just the two of us?”

He was very cute and I was so in love this morning. But as soon as this very awful wall of sleepiness hit me and I was alone, I got very upset about him not being all lovey dovey over the phone that day. I asked myself if maybe I had fallen in love with him and he hadn’t. Or not yet.

And I told him so. I told him that I was worried, that his father thought badly of me (because of the hickey situation – to which he explained to me that his father indeed did make fun of us, but not in a bad way) and that he hadn’t enjoyed the weekend with me. That I was very confused and didn’t know why. And that I just had a huge issue with trying to hold back my emotions and not telling him all the time, whilst he wasn’t interested.
“I’m scared that emotions will evolve too fast compared to yours.” and he replied “if you only knew what is going on in my head right now!” I then explained to him that it was just so different to me, because it’s usually me that isn’t talking about feelings and whilst he wasn’t telling me otherwise, he just was like “I miss you, too” but not like an emotion coming from his side. You know what I mean? He would always say it back, but not from his intention.

“I can’t really put it into words, that’s why I would just look at you without a comment or saying anything. I’m so happy that after all these years we met up and got along so well. And you always looked at me in that lovestruck way, I was going crazy inside!”
And after this little text I was doing okay again. That’s when I knew he was going crazy just like me. Missing each other like a mad couple.

We’ll see where things are heading, but I am very happy and am looking forward to our time ahead!

update

It has been a while and if anyone has wondered, I am better. I got a letter from my gyn that at least everything else has turned out negative, so I just need to go back and see where or why that inflammation showed up. It’s alright, life will give me what I deserve. If that happens to not be kids, it’s gonna be alright.
I am somewhat in a bad place, because I had to leave my work place again and I really gotten to love them and they treated me very well. I am now just hanging onto the hope, that I can one day return there once I’m done with my studies. Until then I gotta be strong for the next 1.5 years.

Now a little update on ‘my’ guys, I guess you deserve this:

  • I have not heard from crush for over 2 months now, and it’s alright. I’m going to Germany tomorrow and I’m totally okay with not spending 3 times as much money for my holidays there instead of visiting him.
  • Dan has messaged me several times in the last few days about me visiting his city. I did not reply to any of the messages, as I am just over him. He really just annoyed me whenever we texted and he’s totally not for me. I did tell him several times that I did not intend to see him, so it’s not like I’m ghosting him. If we would happen to bump into each other, so be it. But I guess the chance is tiny. I will spend a nice time with my friend there and then that’s it. I moved Dan to the past-section.
  • I have messaged D again this week and we have been texting on and off. I only noticed yesterday when a colleague said he was there to visit, that it was the same day he texted me “you weren’t at work today?!” I didn’t think much of it back then, so that’s kinda funny, as he asked how long I was working and I said 3 weeks – to which he said, he will visit afterwards then.
    To make matters worse, I met another guy at work. He’s not really my type of guy, but he’s really nice and we had a blast. However – as I mentioned above – I left work yesterday and I didn’t get to say goodbye to him, as he was sleeping when I entered the room. I messaged him on facebook, but facebook is a huge pain in the arse when it comes to messaging guys you’re not friends with (it shows up in the ‘other’ section without any notification whatsoever). We’ll see, maybe I’m gonna send him a friend request somewhen.
  • No text message from guy’s friend. We’re friends on instagram now, but no messages. And that’s alright.
  • Also Kenny has showed up once more, however I’m at a place, where I know he’s no good for me. I like how he still tries to flirt with me and I totally let him. But my heart is turned off right now, so that’s alright.

 

That’s all.

narcissist

I have told a couple of friends about the happenings with Dan and they both mentioned the word ‘narcissist’. I didn’t even think of it until they both mentioned it and I still think it might be a bit too hard of a word of his behaviour, but if we conclude everything he’s done, he really is one.

I really want to know what you guys think, so I’m just gonna type out some of our texts:

I sent him the following text after I tested what he did know about me:

I don’t care that you don’t know everything about me or remember everything I ever mentioned. But you never ask about anything. And if I am that important to you, I do expect you to know certain things about me.
I understand that you have an exciting time right now. But I feel like it’s all about you – all the time. I tested you yesterday when I told you that I went to the movies and you didn’t even ask what I was seeing or how I liked it. After I let you in (in a loooong text yesterday) on my current feelings, all I got from you was ‘yeah, now I know, I’m at the hotel now’. That leaves me feeling quite unimportant and scabby to be honest.

His response:

You are very important to me !!!!! I just can’t handle the time difference, which really sucks right now. Do you think I like to only talk to you 3 times a day? It’s bugging me!

(He didn’t even say anything about the not-asking-part. Like. Ever. Excuses?!)

Me: Well Dan, that’s not because of the time difference, because it was no different when you were still at home. You never asked about me or my life, you always made it about yourself. When I got my first infusion, you didn’t care or ask at all – and you were still at home, resting. I don’t care too much about words, but about how someone makes me feel. You do say beautiful things to me, but I don’t believe in your words anymore.
Him: I’m sorry… I just had a lot of stress. And you’re the one person that I texted the most, more than my brother. You always cheered me up.
(And we’re back to compliments, but not at all about what I had just told him. And also I just told him that he was the same at home, when he keeps saying he has a lot of stress, but he was at home for a whole week, not doing anything… he was off work,… so you know.)
Me (feeling very discouraged and annoyed by then): Whatever.
Him: I feel like rubbish, I think you’re awesome.
Once more, about his feelings and a compliment to make things better… This went on some time until I tried to explain once more:
Me: I don’t say I’m not important to you, but that I ask myself how much you are actually interested in me as a person… you always go back to romance or love, but not about actual me.
Him: Alright. You are important to me. You’re the only person that makes me smile.
(aaaand we’re back where we began. I gave up at this point.)

After that I was done. How many times can I repeat what I think, when he’s not taking any of it in?! So I just decided to do the same as him, maybe he’ll understand when he feels that way. Up till now he hasn’t said anything. That conversation above was on Sunday, I started behaving ‘like him’ on Tuesday and we totalled in 11 texts since then. So pretty much nonexistent.
Now tell me again it’s not all about him?!

I’m just glad I booked my holidays with a friend. Otherwise I would really be in a miserable situation. I’m not even sure if we’ll see each other in October, if this goes on like that. I just don’t have the energy to keep getting annoyed about such behaviour.

no match?!

The longer I ‘know’ Dan, the more I fear that we will not really match. There’s a few things that I have noticed lately and I need to get it off my chest.

One – and probably the most important for me – is, that he never asks about me. He talks about himself all the time. It’s always about him. And whilst I am not one to seek for attention all the time, I do like when a man shows interest in me or my life. I don’t think he has ever asked me a question about my life, all he does ask is what I am currently doing and then that’s it. I gave him a few opportunities to start up a dialogue, but he never does. Simple example: I texted him this morning that I went to the movies yesterday. He didn’t say anything about it, not asking what I was seeing, with whom I went, or if the movie was any good. Just nothing. As I said, I don’t need the attention all the time, but I need some interest. All he ever wants from me is, asking if I miss him or want to kiss him, but no daily questions. I was at the doctors and showed him a picture of me getting an infusion. Nothing. Just. Plain. Nothing.

He has been in Japan for a week now and will stay another one. Of course it’s hard with the time difference, but we do text when we are online. But once more, it’s all about his adventure, no questions about my well-being. I understand, he is abroad, it’s interesting. But really?
I have booked my holidays to his city for October 25th and I let him know. The first thing he asked was, whether I would be sleeping at his apartment although I had just told him I booked the hotel already (he never listens to what I say). I explained to him, that I arranged with my friend that I could spend a day with him without her, but that’d be all he’d get. I was actually glad my friend asked me to stay and leave with her. It would have been awkward to stay at his house, if it doesn’t match. I am curious how this will end up, spending the time with him now that I am not so keen on this whole situation anymore. But we’ll see. Don’t get me wrong, I would really like this to work out, I really do. It feels like a fairytale… but then life is no fairytale and my emotions tell me different. But right now I don’t think it will work out whatsoever, yet I want it to have a chance. Who knows? Maybe I’m thinking too much again, or just overreacting.

Since he has been in Japan, he has also been drunk a lot. You guys know how much I hate alcohol, so you’ll understand. I told him several times not to text me when he’s drunk but he keeps doing so. Yesterday – once more – I felt the need to tell him what was going on, because I was so annoyed by him… so I sent him the following text:

I wanted to let you know a few things: 1. you may or may not have noticed that I have a problem with alcohol. I don’t care when you go out partying, but please do not text me when you’re drunk. I don’t know why, but I hate drunk people. And you do not have to ask me anything when it comes to alcohol. I already told you several times that I do not drink and I mean it, it’s a fact. I don’t care what everyone does around me, I just don’t drink and don’t plan to.
2. I would really like if you listened to what I say. I have told you certain things several times, but you don’t seem to take any interest in it. It feels like you don’t care or just don’t read what I write. You just asked me 5 minutes ago what I was doing and now asked again, as if I did another thing now. So I really don’t like writing anymore and that’s why I stopped texting you so much.
3. I’m no romantic. I do find it cute every now and then, but not all the time. Of course I’m happy to know that you miss me, but you don’t have to tell me 5 times a day. Same as with the ‘I love you’ it just loses its effect on me when told several times a day. But then, that’s just me.

You know, I feel like this was pretty straight forward, right? I expected him to say something about it. All I got back from him was “ok, now I know. And yes I did notice that you texted less and backed away. I’m in the hotel now.” Really? That’s all I’m gonna get? I just texted you a billion words and you let me know that you noticed and where you currently are? That’s what I mean with not caring about me. He doesn’t. It’s all about him, and I really dislike this. He went on to tell me that he messed up again (oh, you’re not gonna get pity, boy) and then went straight back to flirting afterwards. As if nothing ever happened. Why do I even bother telling him? I don’t know. Maybe because I learnt to talk about my emotions.

This reminds me a lot of a mix between Ken and Stan. Not listening and then when I get angry being all sappy. I really don’t know what to do about this behaviour. I have started to back away, not react to certain things, but he doesn’t seem to care. As long as he can talk about himself. I’m not sure if things will change once he’s back home. I don’t expect it to, other than being bombarded with texts more again. But it’s just weird. I also get pictures of him every day, and whilst it’s nice to see him, I don’t need that every day. I get that you’re proud of what you look like, but do I really want a guy like that? I don’t think so.

I don’t know what to feel, or do, or think about any of this.

 

Dan and I.

After my post last week I got very depressed thinking that I once more failed to keep a boy close to me. How come no-one can ever satisfy me? One is doing too much, the other one too little. I’m never quite satisfied with what I do get.

So I decided to just be honest. I should have learnt form my past that honesty always gets you further. Maybe you argue, but at least you get it off your chest. And that’s what’s most important. I sent him the following message:

To be honest, this is all a bit too much for me with the feelings and everything. I feel like you are reading way too much into everything we discuss und I already told you what I think about ‘love you’. You still don’t really know me and I feel overwhelmed with this situation. I do like you, yes. But I do not want or can allow more than that right now. You read so much into everything that goes via texts, interpret feelings or daydream about things, that might be completely different in real life.
I’ve told you several times that I’ll let you know as soon as I know more about my trip to your city and yet you  keep asking me about it. I told you I’m gonna go there with my friend and not because of you – as hard as this might sound. Yes, I would absolutely love to see you, but you also always keep speaking about kissing, cuddling, spending nights at your place, although you don’t know what it’s gonna be like until then.. and I’m not gonna leave my friend alone. Do you understand what I mean? I just feel like it’s going a little too fast with your emotions for my liking and I feel trapped. I’m sorry if this comes a little sudden, I just wanted to let you know why I backed away.

What he then replied I did not expect: He said that he had noticed me holding back and he expected me to say something soon. He didn’t want to trap me and didn’t expect me to dump my friend on that trip. He then said that he felt like he once more failed and felt really bad. I explained that he hadn’t failed, that it was just too much for me and I was difficult to handle when it comes to emotions. There was a lot of miscommunication and this just showed me once more, how important it is to talk. And see each other.

I was so relieved after that. I didn’t expect anything to change immediately, but I felt so much better for talking about what was going on in my head. It’s so important for me to learn and not hold my emotions and thoughts back. Else I probably will never be happy in a relationship, because I can’t expect anyone to know what I think. Especially not when it comes to emotions, as I know how hard I am to read.

However what bothers me most, is my reaction to his availability. If he keeps texting me, I get easily annoyed. If he doesn’t however, I start to miss him like crazy. What the hell brain?! For example, he’s out drinking with friends now. He does answer my text, mostly with emoticons but he takes the time. But I get no “miss you” or similar things back and it freaks me out because it makes me miss him soooo much right now. I freaking hate my jealous brain.

So yes, we’re still talking. Some days it has subsided a lot, other days not at all. He’s had some hard days lately and I really don’t know how to talk to him, because I’m not one for pity. And he hasn’t really reacted to me saying certain things, which I am used to being cared for. But whatever.

He’s leaving for Japan on Sunday, which will give us a week off and maybe things will clear out then as well. I do like him, but I’m not sure how well we really do match. He’s entirely my type physically, but we all know that this is not gonna be enough for long-term. I guess I really will have to wait until I see him again in October and see how things will go from then.

turn in events

An update is long needed, but I just didn’t want to type it out. It makes everything so… real. But, oh well…

As I mentioned in my last post, everything was very cute with Dan. We talked for a while and he hugged me goodbye, which was an incredible feeling and I felt all fluttery and in love. I did – however – also know, that this feeling would soon vanish, because I just knew that I was reading too much into that encounter. But I didn’t want to. I got teased at work because of this and everybody was so happy for me. I couldn’t let everyone down, could I? Plus I haven’t experienced this “want” in a long, long time. It did feel good.

It didn’t take long for Dan to go absolutely crazy. You guys know how I feel about certain things, right? Well he told me like 2 days after that he loved me. I wasn’t sure what that was about, so I just ignored it. Seriously dude? We’re 25, not 14. You do not love someone after seeing him for 30 minutes and talking for a while on the phone. You just don’t. Maybe you have a crush, yes, but nothing more. So that was the next huge setback for me. He continued to talk that way, which made me back away more and more. But then I felt bad, why not just tell him? Maybe he wasn’t doing it on purpose. So I sent him this:

I have become very careful. I do have a crush on someone very quickly, but I also deceive myself a lot. I do think it would be awesome with you, but I don’t want to deceive myself and talk myself into feelings just because of our text messages. I can only tell you if there are emotions once we see each other again and I don’t feel very good with you telling me ‘I love you’.

Then for a while it got better. But it didn’t last very long and he has gotten back to those habits (he reminds me a lot of Ken in his behaviour). He also already talked about searching a job here in my country and stuff like that. It just freaks me out. He gets jealous when I dream of another guy (which I cannot control either way) and it’s just… too much for me. I really just want to dump him, but feel really bad. And thinking about our first encounter does make me feel all bubbly inside. But my head knows that I’m just talking myself into this, because personality wise he is totally not my type. I’m probably just lonely. And enjoy being wanted.

I really don’t know what to do about visiting his city in October. I would totally love to see him again and see if that sparkle is still there, but I also know he has such high expectations about us cuddling and kissing and what else… He keeps telling me that he’ll take some days off and that I can live at his house. And I tried to explain to him yesterday that I’m going there with a friend and I didn’t chose that trip, because of him and won’t dump her because of him. I don’t think he understands, although he says so.

So what do I do? I did tell him several times to back away. When I say something he doesn’t like, he just simply changes the subject (for example: yesterday I told him not to text my whilst driving and he didn’t even say anything, he just said “woah there’s really good music on the radio”). It’s nice to know there’s someone crushing on you, yes… but it’s getting on my nerves by now… which sucks. I don’t want to feel that way, but I seriously do.