the other woman

true talk with Kenny | part 1.

Two major things have happened over the last 24 hours. Two completely different things that I have to tell you nonetheless, so I will split them up in two posts.

First things first:
I did want to tell Kenny about my feelings for a while now. Not my “I love you” kind of feelings, but just how I feel about us overall. About the situation we have been in for years since we last kissed. About his behaviour and so on.

Last night I decided to text him on snapchat (so he couldn’t reread the message):

Late night confessions:
I usually don’t want to bitch at you or anything the like, but I’m frustrated. Mainly with myself, but also with the current situation. I don’t know what this is about, but I always find myself slipping back into the same situation with you. I don’t want to cut off the contact, but I also feel like I can’t deal with being in contact with you that way. I don’t know what it is about you, that always leads me back into that situation. I miss you, when I shouldn’t. I want to spend time with you, when I “shouldn’t”. And although my mind knows what the facts point towards, I somehow just don’t understand nonetheless. I don’t know why. It’s not like you’re trying to get my hopes up, but you also don’t really show your true intentions. Or I’m just putting way too much into it, or am hoping for something, because I feel like there is something about us, ever since we first saw each other. Or is it normal to kiss each time, although you have a girlfriend? I don’t think so. I don’t know. And still, I know this is never going to work out. Back and forth, it’s making me go insane. My thoughts are making me go crazy!
This is all probably going to be very surprising to you, but I just needed to tell you – about my thoughts for over a year. I can’t expect you to know or notice, it didn’t work last year, it won’t work this year either. And no, I really don’t need an answer from you to that ramble, but I want you to understand how I feel.

I’m not sure where these feelings came from, but I just started to text and that’s what I sent in the end. He read it this morning and didn’t reply for the longest time. I knew that he either would react in a good way – or not at all. So I figured it would be the latter.

At 11am I received a message:

“Thanks for your message. Listen. I don’t want what happened last year. I don’t want to play or anything the like. I’m too old for those games, and we both don’t need this.”

Which really, didn’t help at all. How was he feeling? Was he thinking the same things? No idea. I said once more that I didn’t feel like he was playing games, when I read back on our messages from last year. It took him a while until he told me that he was having problems. I asked what about and he told me that his feelings towards his girlfriend had subsided and he wasn’t sure what to do about all of this.

This was news to me. We never actually talked about his girlfriend. She was always there, between the lines, but not actual talk.
I mean, the first thing I said to my friend was “well, I could’ve told him so last year already.” But we all know that people have to figure things out themselves. I wasn’t really sure what to tell him, it wasn’t my place to give relationship advice and that’s where we stand right now. I told him to do what he felt like, and that I understood how hard it was to break up, when you’re so used to a person.

He told me later on that he did know he wasn’t being fair to his girlfriend and he really should break up. I left it at that. I am not going to tell him to do so, or anything the like. It’s his decision and I am not going to force him into anything that is not his very own decision. But him telling me this – it was very surprising to me. And confusing.

It’s not like this was a “yeah, now we can date and get together. Finally get that chance in the end”,.. actually. Although this was what I had been longing to hear for the longest time, I was scared. Scared because a barrier I wasn’t willing to break, would soon be demolished.

Was this really what I wanted all along?

But things were about to get complicated.

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emotions I do not want

I have been reading through all my old posts and screenshots of conversations with Kenny in these last few days. My friends noticed that I am very interested in seeing Kenny again. And I have been missing him like crazy, since he’s been abroad for the week.

Stupid ideas have popped back into my head again. He asked me to come to the airport to pick him up yesterday and I actually thought about going. I didn’t, but I thought about it. I also thought about going to a party he is on today. But I didn’t. Because my head knows how stupid that is.

Rereading those posts, made me realise how much I am in the same place I was pretty much a year ago. And last night I realised that nothing has really changed at all. Remember those times he wouldn’t text me once the weekend was around – because his girlfriend was there? Yeah, haven’t heard from him since last night when he returned home, although we have been chatting all day long these last 5 days.

I need to really – and I mean really – get him out of my head. This is never going to turn out well. He’s not gonna leave his girlfriend. He told me so many times last year, that he just wanted to have fun (although he also said that he never wanted to get into my pants either). That he was not interested in dating. So why does my head get all messed up each time I talk to him again? Why does my heart long for him, although my head knows pretty well that this is not what I want or even can have. So in the end, I might not go to that party in a few weeks to see him again, because I know how much it’ll mess up my head again – although I really really want to see him. Why do I always fall back into this stupid crush when we talk? Why is he the only one, that gets into my head each time? How can he wrap me around his fingers with as little as a few days talk? And why does he keep telling me how much he misses me, and wants me hin his life, and wants fun – but in the same breath he tells me he doesn’t just want fun? What does he want?

I just don’t understand.

feelings showed up

I have a confession to make. Today I talked to a friend about my guys and I realised something…

I wish Yavin would just text back, so I could forget about anyone else. I know how perfect he could be for me. But I’m just over that whole catch-me-if-you-can dating-thing. If he doesn’t want to talk to me, so be it. I wish it wouldn’t be that way, but he hasn’t texted me for over 3 days now. I really don’t understand why he told me he was interested in the first place, but… well, whatever. I’m not gonna play catch like a little doggy. And he does know that I am interested, I asked him several times if he’s feeling better and he wouldn’t text me about his wellbeing now. Sucks big time to be completely honest, but I can’t change it.

What this post is going to be about though: Maybe I have not completely shut off my emotions towards Kenny at all, like I thought I did. When I was talking to my friend, I realised how hope has slipped back into my heart. My head knows, this could never workout. First of all, I know think he is still with his girlfriend. I don’t actually know, as I haven’t asked him directly. Facebook doesn’t show his relationship status, but we’re not befriended anymore, so that could be the explanation. The last post of him tagging her was in October 2016, when he went to New York (to which he actually told me, he would be going with family without her, so there’s that). Doesn’t have to say anything though, does it? And as I said, I haven’t asked directly… but just the way he talks, I guess they still are together (him saying “well, I am officially allowed to kiss my cat”, when he hinted to kiss me). And even if he wasn’t, who tells me he would not do the same to me? My mind and gut tell me how wrong this is, but I actually caught myself being very excited to probably see him again in a month (at the same place we did a year ago). I just know he would kiss me again, and I get excited thinking about it. How wrong is that? Why does he always suck me back in?

I know that he knows me quite well by now, and I was very surprised that he kept bugging me to text. Currently we are sending emoticons back and forth on Snapchat. He told me today, just how cute he thinks I am. Lots of things like that, so I am not sure why he does that. Why not just decide which one he wants – girlfriend or me?!

Whatever. I do know that this is not going to turn out very well, so I should just not go to that party and see him again. Or talk to him.

But I really can’t. I miss him. It’s the worst… realising just how much I miss him in my life. And rereading all those posts of last year, makes me realise that I am pretty much in the same exact situation again. When will I ever learn? When will me heart ever give up that tiny little speck of hope?

over and out, Kenny.

Honestly, Kenny is a huge pain in the ass. I have been asking myself why I put up with him again. Yes, I am not emotionally attached to him, I am not hurt… which doesn’t mean he doesn’t annoy the crap out of me. Seriously though, I am asking myself how one person can be so selfish? So full of shit?!

Short recap: He texted me today again after no-contact for the weekend. Again. Surprise, surprise. Somewhen I just told him that he would soon be glad to get rid of me, as I’m going on holidays and usually don’t text whilst working… like ever. He said that he understood, but that we could still stay in contact. Here goes the conversation:
Me: You didn’t care 2 months ago either about no-contact.
Him: You don’t know about that.
Me: Yes, I do. Otherwise you would have texted me.
Him: I did that on purpose.
Me: Why?
Him: Because it wouldn’t have made any sense.

Wait.. what?
I didn’t reply, because… why should I? If he thinks there was no reason to text me, why should I keep this bullshit up in the first place? If he so easily can let go, I am not that important to him. But no news here, I guess.
Shortly after, he texted me again:
Him: Are you a resentful person?
Me: Depends on the situation, sometimes I am, yes.
Him: That’s what I had guessed 😉
Me: There are certain ways I will not let myself be treated like, and that’s a good thing.
Him: You’re right.

Of course I am right. But what is this bullshit even about? He‘s the one to cheat on his girlfriend and he’s bullshitting me for being resentful that he didn’t text me for 2 freakin months without any obvious reason?! Did he seriously think I would not talk about how he had been treating me at all? Does he really think he can treat me like shit and get away with it? Nope.
Lesson learnt with Stan, my dear Kenny. Not gonna happen again.

So done with Kenny.
Over and out.

personal on a whole new level!

Today I did something, I shouldn’t have done. And I really need to talk about it and  can’t exactly talk to anyone. I don’t want anyone I personally know to know. Although I probably should talk about it. I just feel like I can’t.

Let me start from the beginning though to let y’all understand the outcome of this whole story:
My family has never been great, but I did grow up with my parents around. When I was 11, my parents started to fight. A lot. And then they wouldn’t talk to each other at all. They finally broke up, and although everything was leading up to it and I was actually glad, it still came as a surprise to 11-yo-me. I knew and understood they were on bad terms, but never understood why.
Fast forward a few years, I must have been 14ish, when my father started talking about the separation. He told me that my mother was having an affaire and he caught her and that’s why they broke up. I was very very angry at my mother for a long time. I started sneaking around to find out whether my father was lying. He had been trying to play us off against each other for ages, so why not with this? His ego bursted when my mother left him (yes, SHE left him, although SHE cheated). One day I took my mother’s phone and actually found messages from said man that were pretty damn clear. I was devastated. My perfect little bubble burst.

Now fast forward to 2016. Over these last 10 years I somehow started to just ignore the fact that my mother cheated. I started getting along with her again, after I ignored it. I never talked about it with her and it wasn’t mentioned on either side. She doesn’t even know that I actually know about the affaire. I kind of made me forget about it and did think it was long over. Or was waiting for her to admit. Didn’t happen.
There was always that thought at the back of my mind that it wasn’t possible for my mother to not have a boyfriend for nearly 15 years now. Everybody needs some love and sex at some point, right? But I just went with the flow. Maybe she was okay being alone. Who knows?
Today I was just going to the kitchen for whatever reason and my mother’s phone was on the table. Like it always is. Literally. Every. Single. Day. I never had the urge to go through her messages, but today… I did. And scrolling down her messages, I found his name. I didn’t expect anything, as obviously they weren’t chatting a lot and it had been quite a while since they last texted. However I did find messages from my mother to him, thanking him for a lovely lunch and “it was great to be able and cuddle”. What? I almost got caught by her, because I was sucked in so much into these messages and tried to understand what was going on. He has a freaking girlfriend, what the actual fuck Mom?!

So, it’s not even the fact that she’s having sex with a taken man. But that somehow I feel like I end up like her. These things going on with Kenny and other men in my life, who have been married or taken… I never really cared about it. Well I cared, but not so much as to stop dating them. Can things like this be inherited? Because I freaking hate the idea of being like that. Yes, unlike my mother I have decided to turn Kenny down. Or Taylor for that matter. So am I better? I don’t feel like it.

This has really gotten me off the road. I’m confused.

road to flirten-town!

So. Who did not expect this? I certainly did.
Kenny went back to the flirting. I did notice some sneeky flirting every once in a while these last few days, but just simply didn’t dive in. I let him send me kiss-emojis, I told him I liked him, but there was no flirting intended whatsoever on my side. I knew I would stop it, once he got into it full force.

We were talking about getting healthy and muscular yesterday (as that’s pretty much what I’m into now..) to which he said that I didn’t need it, because I looked good the way I am – thank you very much, dear… BUT. He wouldn’t know, as he’s never seen it without 5 layers of clothes – and that’s what I told him.

“Well, you haven’t seen mine either?”

here it was again, that cheeky little road to flirten-town. I had to make the decision of taking this path or turn around and walk away. I replied “yeah, but I don’t say that I know what your body looks like…”

You wanna know?

Another cheeky turn to flirten-town. Again. I knew where this was leading to if I’d decide to take that road, so I just said he shouldn’t come to wrong conclusions. He said that I didn’t answer his question and I just simply stated that I needn’t to.
He also sent a kiss-emoji again with the text “oops”, as if he tripped and suddenly placed his lips on mine. Played that game a billion times a few months back.

He was not impressed with these answers at all, I could tell. But I will not get back to the stage we were on before, because we all know how that ended. I’m sure, I wouldn’t fall for him that fast anymore, as the trust is completely gone whatsoever. Yet, I still like him and I know that there’s a chance I might fall again somewhen.
I knew he hasn’t learnt anything from what I told him when I broke off the contact. I knew he would go back to normal, and although, yes, I do like the attention, I am not interested in being the workday-cheating-affaire he wants me to be. Not going down that road, and he needs to learn.
He even asked me out for a drink yesterday – without a date set of course. So I just said “yeah let’s do that”, as I know it’ll never happen and I will not try to force him to. Again.

I’m proud of myself actually 🙂 At least I have learnt a thing or two.

giving up…

You know what really is messing with my mind? I have just now gotten the message of boyfriend number two who’s going to be a father soon. That’s 2 boyfriends in half a year to become fathers.
I’m gonna be honest, its not the fact that THEY get the children not with ME,… no, I’m just jealous that they have found their perfect little family and I let them go – back then…, they found the other half if you will so, and I’m still here at the same damn place, no “perfect” – or rather – suiting man in sight. And yes I am slowly but surely losing hope to ever find a suiting man to have a family with. No, I actually already lost the faith in that power above to ever cross paths with that one guy.

I did meet a guy in the last couple of days, who is very loving and seems interesting and has a good heart and we have been talking a lot, exchangig emails and stuff, but there are some major setbacks to that perfectioness: he’s smoking (pot), and he doesn’t really want children. Two things I have huge problems with. If we’ll keep it up some time, I’ll give him a name.

Then Kenny. The ever replaying scene from that horrible movie of my life. I just need to put that sentence into my head he’s been telling me ever since our first big fight. I am just a distraction for him. He’s said it again yesterday. I told him that I don’t like sharing. His reply? “I don’t like sharing either. But I like trying out.” I just said that I’m no sample to try out. He didn’t reply anymore, and I am surely starting to realise that he’s not at all that man I was telling myself he was. I am just a distraction, nothing more. Maybe he likes me, maybe he really does, but there’s nothing more to it than for him to find out if I’m good in bed, but there’s not gonna be more to it. Ever. Platonic love, if there’s even that much to it. And I need to let go of that hope. I need to believe what people have been telling me all along. I even told myself a few posts back, so why can I not simply wrap my head around the truth?! It’s even starting to annoy myself that I keep that hope up. I need to let go of the hope that he’s that childhood-fairytale-boyfriend, he’ll never be.

So maybe I am just not meant to be a girlfriend/wife/mother. Whatever.
I’m giving up.