Two major things have happened over the last 24 hours. Two completely different things that I have to tell you nonetheless, so I will split them up in two posts.
First things first:
I did want to tell Kenny about my feelings for a while now. Not my “I love you” kind of feelings, but just how I feel about us overall. About the situation we have been in
for years since we last kissed. About his behaviour and so on.
Last night I decided to text him on snapchat (so he couldn’t reread the message):
Late night confessions:
I usually don’t want to bitch at you or anything the like, but I’m frustrated. Mainly with myself, but also with the current situation. I don’t know what this is about, but I always find myself slipping back into the same situation with you. I don’t want to cut off the contact, but I also feel like I can’t deal with being in contact with you that way. I don’t know what it is about you, that always leads me back into that situation. I miss you, when I shouldn’t. I want to spend time with you, when I “shouldn’t”. And although my mind knows what the facts point towards, I somehow just don’t understand nonetheless. I don’t know why. It’s not like you’re trying to get my hopes up, but you also don’t really show your true intentions. Or I’m just putting way too much into it, or am hoping for something, because I feel like there is something about us, ever since we first saw each other. Or is it normal to kiss each time, although you have a girlfriend? I don’t think so. I don’t know. And still, I know this is never going to work out. Back and forth, it’s making me go insane. My thoughts are making me go crazy!
This is all probably going to be very surprising to you, but I just needed to tell you – about my thoughts for over a year. I can’t expect you to know or notice, it didn’t work last year, it won’t work this year either. And no, I really don’t need an answer from you to that ramble, but I want you to understand how I feel.
I’m not sure where these feelings came from, but I just started to text and that’s what I sent in the end. He read it this morning and didn’t reply for the longest time. I knew that he either would react in a good way – or not at all. So I figured it would be the latter.
At 11am I received a message:
“Thanks for your message. Listen. I don’t want what happened last year. I don’t want to play or anything the like. I’m too old for those games, and we both don’t need this.”
Which really, didn’t help at all. How was he feeling? Was he thinking the same things? No idea. I said once more that I didn’t feel like he was playing games, when I read back on our messages from last year. It took him a while until he told me that he was having problems. I asked what about and he told me that his feelings towards his girlfriend had subsided and he wasn’t sure what to do about all of this.
This was news to me. We never actually talked about his girlfriend. She was always there, between the lines, but not actual talk.
I mean, the first thing I said to my friend was “well, I could’ve told him so last year already.” But we all know that people have to figure things out themselves. I wasn’t really sure what to tell him, it wasn’t my place to give relationship advice and that’s where we stand right now. I told him to do what he felt like, and that I understood how hard it was to break up, when you’re so used to a person.
He told me later on that he did know he wasn’t being fair to his girlfriend and he really should break up. I left it at that. I am not going to tell him to do so, or anything the like. It’s his decision and I am not going to force him into anything that is not his very own decision. But him telling me this – it was very surprising to me. And confusing.
It’s not like this was a “yeah, now we can date and get together. Finally get that chance in the end”,.. actually. Although this was what I had been longing to hear for the longest time, I was scared. Scared because a barrier I wasn’t willing to break, would soon be demolished.
Was this really what I wanted all along?
But things were about to get complicated.