first date with Alan went on.. and on… | part 1.

So there’s quite a lot to update you on… I’m not sure yet if I will put this all in one post or what. But we’ll see whilst writing, right?

Alan and I settled to see each other on Saturday early afternoon. No set time, as he had to work till 6am and I just told him to let me know as soon as he was awake and I could  drive off (it’s a 1.5hour ride). He texted me on 12.30pm, but then didn’t reply again when I told him to let me know when he was ready. By 1.30pm I was going batshit crazy, as I was so nervous and just drove off. I knew there was a chance he would not be awake until I arrived, but I didn’t think he would dump me. When I got to a motel close to his town and still no text from him, I just parked my car there and waited. I texted him again, letting him know I was there. No message.

A flight of panic arised – of him playing with me all along, but I didn’t truly believe so. I knew there must have been something else off. I texted a few friends of mine close to his town as well to spend some time with and then restarted my phone – because, you never know what is going wrong, right?! Just to receive his address and asking if I only had just gotten that text message (he told me later that he had sent it at 1.30pm already, and I received it at 3.45pm, wtf?). So I let him know that I would be there in 20 minutes and drove off.

Once I arrived – I didn’t even have a chance to really get nervous until I got out of the car – I waited there. I saw him on the other side of the sidewalk and he came up to me. We hugged and I was so fascinated by his eyes. I actually had to force myself to not look stare at him. We then went to his flat. He quickly showed me around and he then asked me whether we should go do some shopping or if I’d like to eat out. I then said we could go and do the shopping and that’s what we did. It was fun, we talked like we had known each other for years – and it certainly felt that way as well. He was making fun of me, we were teasing and just having casual fun. Once we got all our groceries we got back to the car and I thought we would go back home. Instead he drove around and I really had no idea where we were. I did tell him he could easily kidnap me without even blindfolding me. I had no idea where we were, but I trusted him.

We ended up on a hill, where we were able to look over the sea of fog – it was plain beautiful. We then went and had a drink at a pub overlooking the scenery. We had such a good talk. Very serious, yet funny as well. I loved talking to him, getting to know more of him and his family. After about 2 hours or so we went back to the car. He then asked if I had my passport with me – which I had – so we quickly went over the border and got some petrol. I really enjoyed driving next to him (I usually never do!).

We then went back home.

More to come… 😉


the story of Alan and I continues…



There was a very cute incident: I sent him a picture of my cat and I cuddling and he said, that she was looking at him like “you tryna date this girl? Bitch get outta here”.. at first I didn’t realise and didn’t react to what he’d said. And then I was like “so you wanna date me? 🙂 ” He only realised then what he actually had said to me and blushed and was just like “only if you want”. Hah.

I really don’t know where to start, my emotions are all over the place and I have not expected to feel this way in any way. Like, at all. I didn’t expect it that fast. I didn’t expect to fall in love any time soon after the disaster with Yavin.

As I mentioned in my last post, I did ask him out to the movies. We did not set a date. Then Monday I asked him, if I should come over to his place on Tuesday, as I was off school and he was off uni as well. But he didn’t have any way to come to my city, so I asked if I should come over. He said that he had to check, but then we didn’t talk about it anymore.

I’m not gonna lie, I was a bit devastated – fearing the same thing as with Yavin would happen again. This showed in our conversation of course, as I held back most of my emotions. He asked me in the evening what was wrong and I told him, that I was sad because I really wanted to see him that day and he said sorry and he didn’t mean to disappoint me.
We ended up talking about it and he said he really did want to see me, but as he had to hand in a paper due this Sunday, I totally understood and that we had all the time, no rushing. He then said that he really wanted to see me as soon as possible, which was so cute.

Long story short, we ended up phoning/face-timing for 4 hours last night (until 3am) and I loved it. I actually really hate phoning, but we just talked and talked and talked. And I loved hearing his voice. And I got the butterflies every now and then when I realised what was happening.

So I’m crossing my fingers that this will turn out to be something good. I think it is so different to all the other stories, because I’ve known him for so long (although I have never seen him before). We have a past, which is weird. And I trust him. Even when he didn’t reply to me on Tuesday anymore about the date, I never got angry for the reason of mistrusting him (like I did with Yavin). I knew there was a reason to it.

Anyway. He asked if I would come over to his place this weekend, as his dad is out of the house – if he was finished with his paper till Friday. And I got so excited about it. I am so excited to see him and finally be able to touch him. I really do want to just hug him, out of all of this, I am looking forward to this the most. Is this weird? I know I have already fallen for that guy and I hate it. But whilst we were face-timing yesterday I saw it in his face that he felt the same.

I am so excited about where this’ll take us… I’m trying very hard not to get my hopes up though.

frustrated me

I need to tell you two news. Well, actually it’s just one news and something else I need/should/want to talk about.

First things first: Kenny texted me on Saturday morning letting me know that he broke up with his girlfriend for now. That was kind of unexpected. I did expect him to break up somewhen, but not a few days after talking to him about it – or rather the first opportunity he got when he saw her. He said that they would take a week off and see what’s going on. But just the way he talks, I don’t think they’ll get back together. But I’ll keep y’all updated of course.

How I feel about this?
I honestly don’t know. It was a mixture between fear and happiness when he told me. And I was super proud of him for doing what he told me he would do. I tried to cheer him up somewhat, but it’s hard without getting my emotions involved and what is going on in general. So there’s that.


As you all might know, I’m think I’m having the date with Yavin in 2 days. I am still very nervous – yet excited for it. And I tried to not think about it most of the last few days, because I got all nervous-butterfly-stomach ache when I did. Just this morning my friend asked me how I felt about it and I said that I was very excited.
However, we haven’t talked to each other since Friday. He hasn’t kept up the conversation once since probably 2 weeks. And although I said to my friend that I didn’t think about it – at least not negatively – tonight it got me thinking. I texted him. Again. We had a brief conversation, but then he didn’t reply again. I don’t know what is going on. Doesn’t he want to see me anymore? Is he just busy? But then he’s online all the time. It’s not that hard to text every once in a while. Right?!

I’m gonna let him be. If he texts me, fine. If he doesn’t, not fine. I’m just scared he won’t ask me about the exact time and place, so it means he doesn’t want to see me. I really don’t want to be dumped. It’s not like I am afraid he doesn’t like me, or is playing with me – I really don’t. But I’m starting to ask myself if I should be afraid. After all, I don’t know him that good.

Just a quick overview:

  • 6th January: he was sick, I told him to let me know if I could do anything and that I liked him. No more messages afterwards for over a week.
  • 14th January: me texting him to ask, if he was still alive and whether I should take it personally that he didn’t reply.
    He told me then “I’m gonna text you, going to bed now though. Bye”
  • 17th January: he texted me about an instagram picture of me and we had the longest conversation ever over the whole day. We were back to texting like we used to in the beginning and the conversation engaged until Wednesday (18th) till mid-afternoon when he all of a sudden stopped texting again.
  • 19th January: he texted me, because I was poking him on facebook to see if he was alive. Very short conversation about sex, then he stopped. Again.
  • 3 days later, today: still no reply, so I sent him an emoticon. Two short sentences of him and then no more reply to mine.

What the hell is going on? We used to talk all day long over the holidays. And he told me last Tuesday how much he loved talking to me.
This seriously is bothering me now. Has he lost interest? Or is it just because he’s back to work? But then he texted me all day long on Tuesday. I know he has access to his phone pretty much all the time. I understand when he spends the weekend with his daughter, so that’s why I didn’t text him. But just breaking off every fucking conversation out of nowhere and not starting a new one in a few days…? Seriously?! Even after I told him it was bothering me?

What the hell is going on?! And how should I react?

2 guys at once

It’s getting really hard to deal with my emotions right now. I know that I am single and am “allowed” to date however many guys I want to. But that’s just not me. I’ve never got myself in the situation of dating two guys at once, or I would feel very very bad. I don’t want to make the choice between dating one, and hurting the other. That’s my problem right now. I’m not actually dating two guys at once,  but it still feels like it and possibly could turn out to happen.

Kenny has been asking me for relationship advice for a few days now, and it makes me cringe. I told him this morning, that I am not in the right position to give him advice – given our current and past situation. I feel like I want him to be single, so I can’t really be neutral like I should be. So I’m telling him to break up for that reason. But I am also very well aware, that this is not my choice to make. I told him what I would want, if I were his girlfriend. And he has told me several times by now, that he will break up with her eventually, because it’s not fair to her to stay in a relationship he is not happy in. He really doesn’t want this anymore – I can feel it. He just can’t overcome his fear of hurting her (his words). Which I understand so much more than I should.
I feel very honoured that he is talking to me about this, and it makes me feel like it’s getting us even closer than we already are. And I’m not sure I want this to happen right now.

Just looking at that situation, it would be awesome, right? I always wanted to get a chance from him – for us. But given that I am going on a date with Yavin on Wednesday just makes me feel like cheating each one. I know that I don’t have to feel this way, but I do. I don’t want Kenny to actually break up with his girlfriend right now, so there’s no decision for me to make. You know? Like, I don’t want to make that decision, and if he stays in the relationship, I don’t have to. I’ll just have to go ahead and date Yavin. But I also know that he’s not breaking up with her because of me, and he deserves to be happy and therefore break up with her. And I do want to be there for him, I’m just not sure how good this will work out.

Then there’s that little hope that the date with Yavin won’t turn out to be what I expect. It’s not like I think that way, or really hope for it. Because I really like that guy. He makes me laugh. And he’s so much like me. We don’t have a past to overcome, it would be all new and exciting. There hasn’t been a thing about him I disliked so far (maybe apart from the lack of conversation from his side). I love talking to him, and I will definitely love to spend time with him in reality. It just would take that decision away from me, too. But really, I hope it’ll click.

Kenny or Yavin?
Maybe I’m just reading too much into either situation. Or I might end up not getting either one of them. There’s a possibility. But right now it just makes me feel very bad, talking to 2 guys at once. Especially after saying all these lovely things to Kenny one day, and then setting a date with Yavin the next.
I can’t really explain, it just freaks me out. And I have been dealing with terrible anxiety ever since (especially when I realised how dependent Kenny is on me on that whole relationship situation).
And right now I’m also trying to just ease my mind, saying I will decide after I’ve first seen Yavin. But making my decision dependent on one single date is just ridiculous. And I don’t think it will be like “oh yeah, now I will or won’t date Yavin”, you know? I’ll just have to wait and see how things turn out, I guess.

I might have a date! | part 2.

It was good news about Kenny yesterday, right? But I was feeling ambivalent about this. The thing is, around the same time that Kenny texted me – so did Yavin.

I hadn’t heard from him since Saturday night, when he told me he would text me very soon. Then I had no text on Monday… or Tuesday. I did somewhat let my hopes slip away. Deep down I knew he would text me eventually, we were having too much fun together for him just be ghosting on me. But I just wanted to leave him be. Give him some space… and time. And I wasn’t sure how long my patience would stick with me or if Kenny would be first.

Today it happened. He texted me about a picture on my instagram (he told me not to chop my hair off, which I indicated). We started to talk and fool around. It was like that almost 2 week time-out never happened. I was having so much fun and I realised how much I actually liked that guy.

And that’s when I told my friend “this is gonna end up… in a huge mess!” I had it in my gut. I hate my gut, because it’s usually right. She looked at me like an alien and I said “they’re gonna both ask me out on a date!” Although Kenny hasn’t, Yavin actually has. And Kenny’s admission felt something alike.
I was am so scared that I’m gonna have to date 2 guys – which I won’t do, let me be explicit. But I’m having issues, telling Kenny all about my feelings and then starting to date another guy the very next day?! What is this going to look like?! Sure, he’s had way too much time to make it possible before. Too much. But really, am I going to be okay saying no? I’m not so sure. And which feelings are true?!

But back to the story. Yavin and I were texting back and forth the whole day. In the evening he was like “no let’s be serious. Either we’re going to be sexting or go have a drink together and take this seriously!” And I told him the same thing I did a few weeks ago. That he had to tell me a time, and I was totally up for it.

So here’s the exciting news: I’m gonna have a date in a week with Yavin. And I am sooo excited and scared and nervous! We were talking about the same thing as before, me telling him to set a date – as I’m not very busy. Him telling me that he was being very busy, so I told him that I could go over to his city to save him some time. He told me that he didn’t want that so I was like “well, I’m gonna be back at work in March…” (I’m working in the city next to his) and regretting that already. He then said “well okay, then let’s date in March”. I was sitting on the floor at that time and I was so upset with myself for saying that… Until he said “no seriously though, are you free next Wednesday?” Hah! Here we go!

I mean, he could still cancel. Or not talk to me until then. Or whatever. But for now I am very excited to see him!
And I also was so glad that it would be before that party. I swore to myself that Yavin would get that chance, and if we’re not really matching in real life (which I seriously doubt!) Kenny could still get a shot. But for now, I’m gonna concentrate on Yavin.

Am I doing this right? Dating and so forth…? 😀

true talk with Kenny | part 1.

Two major things have happened over the last 24 hours. Two completely different things that I have to tell you nonetheless, so I will split them up in two posts.

First things first:
I did want to tell Kenny about my feelings for a while now. Not my “I love you” kind of feelings, but just how I feel about us overall. About the situation we have been in for years since we last kissed. About his behaviour and so on.

Last night I decided to text him on snapchat (so he couldn’t reread the message):

Late night confessions:
I usually don’t want to bitch at you or anything the like, but I’m frustrated. Mainly with myself, but also with the current situation. I don’t know what this is about, but I always find myself slipping back into the same situation with you. I don’t want to cut off the contact, but I also feel like I can’t deal with being in contact with you that way. I don’t know what it is about you, that always leads me back into that situation. I miss you, when I shouldn’t. I want to spend time with you, when I “shouldn’t”. And although my mind knows what the facts point towards, I somehow just don’t understand nonetheless. I don’t know why. It’s not like you’re trying to get my hopes up, but you also don’t really show your true intentions. Or I’m just putting way too much into it, or am hoping for something, because I feel like there is something about us, ever since we first saw each other. Or is it normal to kiss each time, although you have a girlfriend? I don’t think so. I don’t know. And still, I know this is never going to work out. Back and forth, it’s making me go insane. My thoughts are making me go crazy!
This is all probably going to be very surprising to you, but I just needed to tell you – about my thoughts for over a year. I can’t expect you to know or notice, it didn’t work last year, it won’t work this year either. And no, I really don’t need an answer from you to that ramble, but I want you to understand how I feel.

I’m not sure where these feelings came from, but I just started to text and that’s what I sent in the end. He read it this morning and didn’t reply for the longest time. I knew that he either would react in a good way – or not at all. So I figured it would be the latter.

At 11am I received a message:

“Thanks for your message. Listen. I don’t want what happened last year. I don’t want to play or anything the like. I’m too old for those games, and we both don’t need this.”

Which really, didn’t help at all. How was he feeling? Was he thinking the same things? No idea. I said once more that I didn’t feel like he was playing games, when I read back on our messages from last year. It took him a while until he told me that he was having problems. I asked what about and he told me that his feelings towards his girlfriend had subsided and he wasn’t sure what to do about all of this.

This was news to me. We never actually talked about his girlfriend. She was always there, between the lines, but not actual talk.
I mean, the first thing I said to my friend was “well, I could’ve told him so last year already.” But we all know that people have to figure things out themselves. I wasn’t really sure what to tell him, it wasn’t my place to give relationship advice and that’s where we stand right now. I told him to do what he felt like, and that I understood how hard it was to break up, when you’re so used to a person.

He told me later on that he did know he wasn’t being fair to his girlfriend and he really should break up. I left it at that. I am not going to tell him to do so, or anything the like. It’s his decision and I am not going to force him into anything that is not his very own decision. But him telling me this – it was very surprising to me. And confusing.

It’s not like this was a “yeah, now we can date and get together. Finally get that chance in the end”,.. actually. Although this was what I had been longing to hear for the longest time, I was scared. Scared because a barrier I wasn’t willing to break, would soon be demolished.

Was this really what I wanted all along?

But things were about to get complicated.

Yavin, I feel good about you!

I feel really stupid to write this, but I need to get my thoughts out there more. I felt very depressed over the last few months when I didn’t talk to anybody about my feelings. Although it may seem crazy to talk to all of you guys (or better, just me rambling on), it does help so much for my mental health!

As I mentioned in my last post I have met quite a few guys. Well, I haven’t really met them, but just got to know them over the internet (what else?!). Y – also known as Yavin – being one of them.

Just believe me when I say I feel pretty damn stupid and like a 12yo teenage girl, but somehow I feel like he could actually turn out to be the one. This is just as stupid as it sounds in my head, I haven’t even met him for real yet, so how come?
I really can’t explain this, it’s just a feeling. A very good feeling at that. I briefly mentioned how he looks so good? Yeah, he does. His eyes are wonderful, I keep finding myself switching through his pictures (he actually told me to add him on facebook, so I don’t always have to stalk his pictures on the dating app – hah, good on you girl for making it subtle… not. Oops.) I don’t know the last time I did that (it probably was with Dan). I just generally think of him a lot. And I do know that I don’t even really know him for real.

Yesterday we talked about serious matters for the first time since we met (about 2 weeks ago, well actually he texted me for the first time on 23rd December). I told him that I really can’t say what he thinks of me. So he asked me what I wanted to know exactly.
Me: I don’t know whether you make fun of me or are actually interested. Or what could come out of this?
Him: Sure! I am interested in you, I just don’t really know you. You’re funny, which makes me say things – I’m not making fun of you!
Me: I don’t have a problem with your humour, I just don’t know whether it’s platonic or could turn out into more (as that’s what I’m used to with my boys at school). Know what I mean? I feel very stupid writing this.
Him: No! I do understand you. We do have to have some more intense contact or have a drink to get to really know each other. So we can tell what this is going to be.

So I said that I really would like to meet him, it’s just hard with his daily schedule (as mentioned, he has a daughter and she stays with him every weekend, he is active in a sports team and goes to school twice a week.
We haven’t actually set a date yet, but I am eager to meet him. But I don’t want to force him to anything. I’m just really holding back with him, I don’t know why.
Once I realised that I might actually see him for real, I started to get very self conscious. What if I am too fat for him? What if he doesn’t like my hair? Or just me overall? That’s a feeling I haven’t had in such a long time! I’m usually pretty keen with who I am, but realising how good he looks and that he’s just into sports overall made me… actually made me workout yesterday *laugh awkwardly*.

Anyway, this was a very long post to just say that – yes – I feel very connected to him although we haven’t talked as much as I am used to. BUT I feel good about this – for some unknown reason. I do not want to get my hopes up, and I am well aware that this could be one big failure and I should not read anything into this. But I’m just excited.

That’s all.