fight

the breakup.

I need to type this out before my mind gets blurred with thoughts about possible cancer (I’m having the appointment this afternoon – or rather had, once you’re reading this).

So. I was at work when I read Alan’s message. I was angry and mad, about his nonexistent love. I just couldn’t understand how one could just say nothing to your girlfriend breaking up with you. How?

I didn’t write again. I sent Mr. Cucu a 15 minute-voice record whilst I actually started crying (he hasn’t seen or heard me cry in the 9 years we’ve known each other, so you know…). I needed to get it off my chest. All the anger, the sadness. And then I felt better. He made me feel better. Made me feel human. Made me feel not like a huge mistake.

That night I sent Alan a text, saying that I had sent the package off and that I put a letter in the package as well. That I didn’t have much more to say, or rather that it didn’t make sense to say any more.
He answered pretty quickly: “Ok thanks. I don’t know what to say about this. I didn’t think my decision of not seeing you would get that bad of a consequence. But I have to accept this.”
I didn’t know whether I should have laughed about this or cried. To me it sounded like a 5yo boy, how was told not to do a certain thing, and then when you would snatch his favourite toy away, he’d say he didn’t realise what was going on. I had told him so many times that I felt depressed about all of this. And now he acts like he didn’t realise it was that bad?! And why just accept it? Why not fight for something you love?! I would have never just accepted a reaction like this. I would have wanted to know what the hell was going on, and what I could do against it.

The next day when the package arrived he sent me this:
“Thanks for the package. Sadly the tshirt didn’t smell like you anymore, because that was the first thing I did. Tell me how much money I owe you…
I haven’t read the letter until the end yet. I can’t right now. Give me some time, please.”
This showed me, that he still did love me. That emotions were there. But I am no fan of having to break up just to be able for that someone show me how he feels. I’ve done this one too many times in the last few years (Stan and Momo especially). I told him that he should just take his time and if he ever felt the need to answer any of my questions, he could.

I haven’t heard from him since. And I don’t expect to, if I’m being honest. I don’t know what to expect. We’re still friends on social media, so that’s a plus (he’s told me that he usually deletes his ex-girlfriends everywhere, he does not want to be in contact with them)…
I’m not sure if he can change what I’m asking him to. I don’t even know if I still want him to change. Do I want this relationship? I really can’t tell. Right now it’s in Alan’s hand to change our future. I’m doing good without him. It is weird to look around and find memories of him. Of us. I still have the pictures of us on my phone and hung up in my room. There definitely still is hope that things will turn out to be good. But I’m not sure if he can do it in time. Because I know, the longer he waits, the more my emotions will have faded. And he probably cannot or will not take the time to really think about it, but rather try to forget it. It’s how he rolls.

We’ll see. For now we’re broken up (although I still talk about my boyfriend, when someone asks).

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oh well, hello depression!

Before I leave you hanging, wondering what has happened ever since… I need to write this down before I forget to post how the story continued…

So after I told him not to join me to come to my granny’s and he just accepted my decision (which, don’t get me wrong, I was happy about.. but yet expected him to act up in any way), I was once more crying in bed. Slipping back into depression. I could feel the grip.

That night he asked if everything was okay with me. And I truthfully said “no”. He asked what had happened and I was upset, that he didn’t even think that I was still feeling bad about what had happened at the weekend.
I once more told him about my feelings. He once more hit back with things that didn’t really matter. I told him about my constant crying. About his way of “solving” problems (aka just talking about something else). I told him what to do (aka just ask when he felt like I was distant or whatever). He then tried to defend himself saying that he did indeed ask how I was doing. I got upset once more, telling him that it took him 4 days to ask. He kept just trying to defend each and every action he’s done so far instead of just trying to understand my point of view.
I told him once more that it wasn’t one single action that made me lose my shit, but the little things building up (I don’t think he has yet understood what I mean, but I’m done trying to explain). He once more got back to that very same situation, telling me that I could’ve simply told him to join me to bed, or joined them to talk. So still no understanding, right? And by then I lost my shit. It was 12am, I wasn’t in the mood to once more argue, my head was killing me. So I told him to once more reread what I had told him last Saturday, because I could not explain myself any better than that. I was having a bad headache and was done with that whole situation. Thoughts of breaking up have been popping up in my head, and I knew I needed to get away from this fight.

His words: “I’ll reread it sometime“. Really? Setting your priorities right again, huh? Which – of course – got me upset once more. So I just said “I would really like to explain it to you once more, but I’m slowly noticing how my body is giving up, because my mind is. I have been suffering from a depression for a long time and these kind of things just help it surface once more. I know it’s not easy, and I will not ever complain about someone leaving me because it’s too complicated.
This made me tear up again. It’s not easy to confess a depression to someone you love.

Guess what?

No reply.

That was the point where I was really done with this relationship. If someone does not react to a confession like that, it was just wrong. So wrong. Add into that, he texted me the next morning a lovely “good morning 🙂 “, which upset me that much more. I didn’t reply for 2 hours, so he got angry and told me not to ignore him and whatever. How easy it had been in the beginning and I should stop acting that way.

I truthfully replied “No I feel like bullshit. If you cannot reply to a message like my confession, I can’t help you anymore.” I lashed out on him a lot more after that. How he has no idea how to treat people with mental problems, how he should not always make life as easy as it seems (because let’s be honest. He’s had a lovely life with few to none problems. Yes, his parents are divorced, but then that’s about all bad that’s happened to him). That was the moment I realised, why I’ve had all the boyfriends with mental problems. At least they knew what I was talking about. They needed me. To keep them on the surface. And Alan doesn’t.

Anyway. He then told me that he wasn’t okay with me telling him about my depression “by the way”, assuming he had long known about it. Which I didn’t. I knew that he didn’t know about my depression. How would he? Most of my friends don’t know about it. So I told him that I did not assume this, but that I had expected SOME sort of reaction at least. But that this was exactly what I meant about “not talking about problems”.
Which of course, he once more took personally and said that his life was not easy and whatever.

By then I had to get to work. And I was done with all this fighting. I really was done by now. I knew there was no reason to tell him those things, because he will never truly understand. He’s not ever been in such a situation. All his friends seem to be happy little buds. No friends with depression. So how should he even know how to deal with such a thing? So I just cut it off. I told him that I will not talk about this subject any longer, that if he ever had questions, he could ask me. But I would not talk about it in my means anymore. That maybe we could get back to our “old selves” once his final exams were over (because he used this as an excuse as not having time to wrap his head around ‘my depression’).

His last text about it was “Yes, I think it’s for the best to not talk about it anymore [no surprise here]. I’m sorry that I didn’t know how to react about your confession. I did want to know about it, but didn’t want to ask anything wrong.” To which I explained that asking will never be wrong with me.

So really? I don’t know what to think about any of this. I’m not so sure if we can spend a life together, if he does not know how to treat me and my depression. Maybe it’s unfair to expect this, but I have always had friends that were okay with it – or at least seemed to react in the right way. I don’t know. For now we’ll leave things be like they are right now. We have managed to treat each other normally again. Talking like friends (no affection so far). I told him that I could come over for the night this weekend. I know we need to see each other, it will be awkward anyway. So better get it done with as soon as possible. And like I’ve mentioned already. Maybe 3 weeks apart will do us good. Maybe not.

However, he’s just canceled these plans. I’m not gonna ask to see him again.

up and down.

Lately it seems, after a high there’s a huge fall down again. And it’s sad that I’m trying to take more shifts at work, so I don’t have to be home and think about things. Because work right now seems to be the only place I can forget about the relationship issues I currently face.

I just can’t seem to trust Alan anymore. I don’t know how to change it, but he’s not doing anything to change the situation. He has not once asked how I was doing after our fight. He has not shown any sort of affection. Has not once told me that he misses me or loves me. No questions about when to meet next. Nothing at all. And this probably hurts more than the fight itself.

I thought things are gonna change. Now that I’ve told him what was going through my head. But it’s getting worse actually. We’re putting so much distance between us. We talk as if we’re strangers. I push him away more and more, and he just doesn’t do anything. He just watches me go away. I’m broken.

It once was the plan to go over to my granny’s this weekend. I asked him probably 2 months ago if he would join us, because it’s a lovely time with my whole family (why I asked him, I do not know). But I just don’t feel like it. I can’t act like nothing happened, and I am sure as hell not gonna confuse my granny or my niece and nephew with fighting with my boyfriend. So I texted him just now, that I think it would be better if he stayed home and studied (he has exams on Monday). He just said “oh I totally forgot that it was already this weekend. That’d be good.”

I don’t know why, but I can’t stop crying ever since. It was just one more chance for him, I had hoped he would get angry or show any sort of emotion. But he just doesn’t. It seems like he doesn’t give one single fuck anymore whether I push him away or not. I had hoped he would fight for this relationship and not just let it slip through his fingers. But it seems that this is all sorts of wrong.

Why can’t I just be happy for once?

the talk

It’s funny how much you can build up your emotions and once you talk about them, it’s all good again. As I mentioned in my last post I have been thinking about several little problems in Alan’s and my relationship. I started to freak out, because I didn’t want to throw the relationship away. All day long on Monday I started to write a text, to explain to Alan what was going through my head. I knew it wasn’t the best of choices to text him – instead of talking to him face to face – but I also knew it was the only one I could bare at the moment. I was so afraid that he would freak out again like in our first and last argument. And so I knew I had to tell him those things. But I pushed it aside all day long and in the evening I really didn’t want to text him. What was the big deal about it? But I knew I had to, to not make things worse.

I sent him the text Monday night about how I was scared to ever argue with him and therefore was hiding my (negative) feelings, because of what had happened before. I explained to him, how I was annoyed about his time management and sleep pattern. Long story short, his reply:

I thought we had talked about that situation (argument) and were done with it. In that moment I didn’t realise why you were acting the way you did and you didn’t reply to my questions. Of course I know it was wrong not to hug you, and I’m sorry. But back then I was so confused, that I didn’t know how to react. I hope you can forgive me?
And I am planning my homework now, and do get up earlier…  so things are slowly changing. But I’ve never been the one to get up at 8am on a weekend, give me some more time for that.

 

So really, that was it. A huge weight was lifted from me and we were done with arguing. And I felt so much better – or so I thought.

As I mentioned before we had planned to see each other on Tuesday night. He had told me he would be over at 5pm. When he texted me on Tuesday afternoon, he told me that he had to go back home first. It was 2pm, so I knew he could still make it in time. He didn’t reply again,… when finally at 4pm he told me he would be over at 7pm. Honestly? I was so annoyed. Again. What the fuck was he doing for 2 hours, not even bothering to let me know that the time would change.
But then thought I need to calm the fuck down. He texted me again at 5pm that he’s just changing trains and I asked him where he was exactly. No more reply for an hour and I was so annoyed. I sent him another text – letting him feel how annoyed I was. To which he then suddenly replied. He had met a guy he knew on the train and wasn’t on his phone. I was annoyed because I had planned on picking him up on the train station. Of course, once more this was a miscommunication, as I hadn’t told him so.

All was good in the end though. I didn’t feel strange anymore. Kissing him didn’t feel wrong. It was all back to normal. And I am so glad about this.

thoughts going through my head…

Long time no see… there’s a couple of reasons for that. One – because I did not want to make things real and – two – I didn’t feel like writing either. However, I do know that I need to talk about what is going on in my head and figure things out. Although it also means it could make things worse – or real.

I have been pretty annoyed with Alan for the last couple weeks. There has been going on a lot of “Momo”-moments, which obviously I do not like. Especially because these are things that were going wrong towards the end of our relationship, and therefore I am now a bit scared to end this relationship, when I remember how good it felt in the beginning. I do know that I’m a person to develop feelings quickly, but also let them fade just as quickly. But remembering how I felt whilst writing the letter to Alan a month ago just let’s me rethink how I feel right now. I don’t want to end this relationship for several reasons: I know how much I believed in him being the one, and we do share our future plans. But I also do not want to explain to anyone, why I would break up with him. I really don’t want to know what people would think of me. And therefore I have not talked to anyone about these feelings so far.

But what does annoy me so much, you might ask? First of all, he snores like a whale. I know he can’t change that, but he does get upset whenever I mention it. I have started to bring my earplugs to bed, so I can listen to music whenever he falls asleep first. He was so annoyed at me when I said so last night. And I just stated that it was a fact. I woke up in the middle of the night last night, because he snored so loudly.
I also really didn’t look forward to see him this weekend. I was upset, because he just can’t seem to manage his time schedule. He has an essay due tomorrow,… every normal person would start beforehand (he knew for 3 weeks, that he had to write and hand it in by tomorrow), but instead of writing it on his days off during the work week (when we couldn’t see each other), he always pushes it back and has to write them when we could spend time together. It really upset me, so I told him on Friday he didn’t have to come to my place, but rather finish his essay. He asked if something had happened, but I just brushed it off. It just hurts me, that he doesn’t prioritise me, when I would go over whenever I could. And 2 weeks ago I decided to just let things flow the way he always did and not care about his schedule. Fun thing? We have not seen each other during the week in 2 weeks, when it is not me, who asks for it.
Then – just like Momo – he’s always catching up on his sleep when he’s with me. He came over on Saturday around noon and slept till like 4pm. Seriously dude? What about going to bed early during the week, like any normal person would? It just annoys me, because I am no mom to bring him up. He should be old enough to realise this, right?

He has not asked me once, what exactly is wrong with my behaviour so far. I know he’s noticed, he did ask several times whether everything is alright. But he wouldn’t ask me directly. I have been very distant all weekend and just didn’t feel the way I did before. And it terrifies me. I do not want to lose him. I do not want something so little and stupid, to ruin what we do share. But it also hurt me to see him tell me how much he missed me, when I didn’t feel the same way about him. Like – at all.
On the other hand, I felt so close to him again when we had sex. So this really confuses me. I just hope we can sit this out. I know I should talk to him about this, but I don’t even know where to start. I hate arguing with him, because he has hurt me so much the last time we argued, in making me feel so little, when I already was upset with myself. I told him it was wrong what he did, but he did not say sorry once. I told him this weekend again, that I hate arguing with him. I would rather avoid it by any means, than start a fight. So I guess that’s why I have kept my mouth shut firm.

I’ll see him again on Tuesday. We’ll see how things go by then, but I do need to change something about my mind. Quickly so.

another argument

Last week Alan and I had another argument. Well, argument actually is the wrong wording. It was more of a discussion. I asked him whether it would be okay if I went to the movies with Mr. Cucu, because we had to plan our holidays together afterwards.

Short story behind all this: I asked him pretty much in the beginning of getting to know him whether it would be okay if I went on holidays with Mr. Cucu for 2 weeks in summer. He said that it was okay back then (about 1 month ago). When I mentioned the holidays again last week, he asked whether Mr. Cucu had a girlfriend or not. I said “not that I know of”. He was just like “okay”, so I knew something was up.

I told him once more that if he wasn’t okay with me going on holidays with Mr. Cucu, he should let me know now, not once we’ve booked everything. He said that it didn’t bother him, he just has never been in that situation before. When I asked once more he said “I don’t want to ruin your holidays, but if you’re staying in the same room…… it’s not like I don’t trust you, it’s just weird for me.”

I tried to explain to him that I totally do understand his point of view and that I would not be okay if the situation were reversed. But also that Mr. Cucu was more like a brother to me, that we never cuddled or anything the like (which is true.. Although there once has been a time when I wanted to date him, this has long been gone. I actually never could have imagined actually kissing him, even during that time). He then just said “well there are rooms with twin beds, right?”

But somehow it just didn’t felt like we were done yet, so I said once more that I would understand if he told me not to go on holidays with him. He said “I already told you how I think about this. I trust you and I am not going to forbid anything, it’s just a weird situation for me.” I once more explained that I would not be angry and I did not see it as “forbidding”, that I wouldn’t have asked if I wouldn’t have changed a thing, right? I would have just said “I’m going on holidays with Mr. Cucu, I don’t give a fuck whether it bothers you” (pretty much like I did with Stan…) So he was saying that he didn’t want to intervene into this friendship. But that he would be okay, if he knew that we had a “healthy distance” and would not sleep in the same bed. That’s when I told him he should meet Mr. Cucu and see how we’re dealing with each other.

We did not talk about it again afterwards,… I did tell him that I wanted to talk about it again, until I actually had the feeling that he was okay with it. This hasn’t happened yet, BUT he has met Mr. Cucu last weekend and to me it felt like they were getting along. They will not become best friends, but they seem okay. So I’ll have to ask him again how he feels about the situation.

It’s really weird for me, to actually talk things out and not shout at each other and have no understanding whatsoever (like things went with Stan each time we argued). It’s great to actually have someone understanding and loving. That’s how it should have been all along, right?!

Offtopic: What was really cute and surprising: he actually remembered the date when we first met (I didn’t know by heart). We were talking about which day to take as our anniversary day (because let’s be honest, Valentine’s day sucks as an anniversary day) and I said we could take the day we met. But who cares really?! As long as we stay together 🙂

fight

We had our first big fight this weekend. Honestly, I don’t really know why it happened, but I knew it was coming for the last couple of weeks – as of how I was feeling about some things.

I did actually tell him last Friday about how I felt about his behaviour or rather lack thereof. I didn’t really get the answer I wanted to hear. He just said that he would let me know whenever he didn’t want to see me. But this is no reason to not ask to see me during the week, right? Anyway, I let it slip.. because really, what is the reason to keep arguing about it?

He was very loving when I came to his place though, so that was new (apart from that he won’t ever come to pick me up anymore, but waits in his room – but this as well was obvious to happen at some point). Then on Saturday he asked me what I wanted to do. In the morning he mentioned about going to a mountain, but as his father was away with the car I guessed this was off the cards. So I asked what he intended to do and that he obviously didn’t want to go to the mountains with my car, to which he said “why not?”. We were standing in the hallway when he asked again and I said that I had offered him to go to the mountains, but he was all weird about it saying “well then let’s go to the city” and off he went, without waiting for me as he usually does. He was sighing as well, which – let’s be honest here – is the biggest sign of being pissed, right? This really threw me off board and I wasn’t in the mood to talk no more. He asked me what was wrong and I said “nothing”, but didn’t look at him again. He stopped me in the middle of the street, asking again. I said “nothing, let’s just go”. But he stood there and said I should tell him what my problem was. I said “you’re pissed, that’s all” – in a tiny voice. He said he didn’t understand (acoustically) and I wasn’t in the mood to say it again, so I just went on. He held me up again, asking what my fucking problem was – getting really pissed, which upset me even more and I was on the edge of tears already anyway. I didn’t talk and just hugged him, but he didn’t really bother at all.

He stood on the pathway, looking at me and waiting for an answer, I didn’t give him one. We stood there for probably 10 minutes until he lost his shit and was like “what the fuck”. I already way crying, so I just went off to my car and locked myself in. This was a huge déjà-vu to Stan, which I hated. I knew I wanted him to come after me, but I also knew how fucking stupid this was. I bawled my eyes out in the car, reviving all the shit I was going through with Stan. All the hurt got right back at me. At some point I noticed how a car was driving next to mine, and heard that it was his father talking to him. I didn’t bother to look up.

After a few minutes, when I opened the window for some fresh air, he stood next to my car, asking what the fuck my problem was. I wasn’t able to talk, and neither did I wanted to. I just said that I thought he was really pissed, and I didn’t want him to be. He was very very very cold towards me, which upset me even more (once more, just like Stan). I got out of the car, trying to talk to him… but as I said him being that cold just upset me even more. At some point I was just like “do you want me to grab my stuff and just go?!” to which he said it was my choice. Y’all know what I wanted to hear. It was not that.

He was so furious, so at some point I was just like “I’m gonna get my things” and walked back towards his house, as he had the keys I had to wait on him. He didn’t open the door and asked me about a billion times what my fucking problem was. I told him that my head was the fucking problem, I had told him so many times before that it’s hard for me to just not read into his mimics and whatever and that he really had given me the feeling of being bored or annoyed with me. He didn’t seem to care at all. He asked me what I was intending to do about it (my head), and inside of me I lost my shit. I seriously did. What the hell man?! I asked him what he expected me to do? He didn’t say anything. After a while I said “well it would be a start for you to hug me when I’m crying” (instead of standing a foot away from me, crossed arms and just so so cold) to which he said, that I didn’t really show any affection towards him. He didn’t do anything. He didn’t hug me. So after a while I walked towards him and hugged him, he didn’t hug me back so I was like “okay then”. My world shattered.

I don’t really know how we solved that problem. At some point he just said “next time just tell me what the problem is and not throw such a tantrum, okay?”. I totally do understand his point of view, I did behave like a 3yo kid. But him being so cold and distant was breaking my heart, and I knew that fighting with him would never be easy. It was actually worse than with Stan. At least Stan would “defrost” at some point and hold me in his arms. Alan was so distant and thinking about it still makes me tear up. I had to make all those first steps, which I hate. It was the worst experience ever. I didn’t know what to do, because deep inside me I knew I didn’t want to give it up. I knew it was all in my head. But I had hoped he would be a little more understanding. I know he has no patience whatsoever, but I didn’t expect it to be that bad.

I really don’t know what to think. We had a lovely weekend afterwards, and all was good again. And I know that he’s not thought about the situation again, but it has stayed with me for the whole time and it’s making me so scared of the future. I know I need to learn and trust him. I need to believe what he says and not read so much into his non-existant actions. But it’s hard. And I had thought once I told him about my issues, he would be more understanding. It doesn’t seem that way. At these times he seems so selfish, and I really don’t know if it’s my head telling me – because I’m such a sucker at relationships – or it really is that way. Because he can be so loving and forthcoming as well. But then again, he’s not that big on showing emotions at all. He does tell me he loves me, but that’s about all I get. Is this really love from his side? I’m not entirely sure anymore, if I’m being completely honest. And I guess that’s why my insecurities have bubbled up so much these last few days. It makes me scared, that he’ll just dump me at some point.

But still, I don’t want to just give up, like I always did with anyone else. The problem won’t go away, because it’s me. It’s my head, that’s messed up. But this has given my heart a huge scar all over again, and I’m not sure how long it’ll take to heal up.