voice in my head…

My brain is really stupid. And I know it.

Things with Alan are going great, they really are. He is such an awesome, handsome and very loving man I do not deserve in any way. He makes me feel like I’ve never felt before and he shows me how a relationship should be.  It’s weird to not feel bad about certain things or even feelings. And only now I understand how much Stan has actually destroyed in me. When I feel like saying sorry for things Stan expected me to and Alan just tells me to stop saying sorry all the time. He’s very caring, he makes me feel so good. He makes me feel loved – of all the things. Remembering how I even felt ugly and stupid whilst having sex with Stan, Alan makes me feel quite the opposite. He tells me how much he loves my body and me. He cuddles me. He kisses me. He holds my hand. He tells me how cute I am whenever I least expect it. It’s such a wonderful feeling.

And for the first time forever, I can actually see myself grow old with someone. I can see him in my life in a few years. Because he’s slowly becoming my best friend. We’re laughing so much, doing things I’d do with my friends. And I can’t wait to experience things with him. I want to go on holidays with him. I want to go to concerts with him, I just want to make so many memories. It’s all about spending quality time with him – and I love every second of it. (By the way, he also told me that he felt very bad for when I was awake that early and he slept in last weekend. Didn’t happen again the last few days I was at his place! 🙂 So all good.)

I met his best friend and his girlfriend last weekend. I was very unsure about how they thought of me, as I had been very quiet. I did talk whenever I had to say something, but it was way less than I usually would. Alan told me later on that his best friend said “you made the right choice!” whatever that choice was about.

But even with all these wonderful things going on, there’s still that little voice inside me that makes me feel very self-concious. Like when I realise he doesn’t want to take a shower with me – remembering how all my exes loved to do that. I offered him on Tuesday to get into the shower, he said no (which probably was simply because he was too tired to get up). We went to take a shower this weekend separately. Then, seeing him dress up for that party, which he never did for me. You know? The little things.

And I know they’re not meant to hurt me, or he’s willingly trying to do these things. I mean I told him so many times that I was sorry for this and that and he always said that he loves me and I shouldn’t put so much thought into things like these. But I just can’t. I’m trying not not talk to him about these insecurities, but usually I blurt them out at some point. And he has told me before that he wants me to speak openly about them. But then I’m so afraid – one day he’ll get bored with them. Up until now he always reassured me that my thoughts were unreasonable, but I really don’t know. So I keep thinking about things like “why did he have to make a choice? Was there another girl?”, when really there probably is such a simple answer.
But that little voice inside me tells me to see these things and think about them. It’s making me crazy, especially because I know how much he likes me, and he does make me feel loved. It’s like I always thought I was so bad in bed, but he tells me differently each time. It’s so hard to believe, but he’s slowly slipping into my heart and making me believe these things. But there are still a lot of other things I need to get over, and I know they’re just in my head and I need to not read too much into these kinda things. Like when he’s quiet and I immediately think I’ve done something wrong or when we don’t talk for a minute on the phone and I think he’ll leave me because I’m boring (like I said, the things Stan has done to me… they’re unbearable and it makes me so much more angry at him). Or when he doesn’t say things back. Like, I told him today how much I miss him and he just sent an emoji back. Why do I think he doesn’t feel the same way, just because he doesn’t say it? It doesn’t mean anything. I mean, I didn’t say ‘I love you’ back so many times, and he didn’t get all upset. So what is wrong with me? It’s just, sometimes I put so much into a message, telling him all my feelings. And I don’t get much back. But then again, he told me before he’s not very good with words. And whenever I am with him, I feel like my heart could explode with love.

It’s difficult, but I’m trying very hard to ignore these voices and just enjoy the feelings that he actually gives me. The love I do feel most of the time. It actually feels so right with him, I cannot put it into words – and I’ve never felt that way before. Even my home didn’t feel like home, when I came back the other day after 4 days at his place. You know, when you get into an apartment and it just smells like someone else? It didn’t smell like home. I’ve never experienced this before.

Oh the love. And I have never feared to lose someone as much as I do with him. I always was like “well, life will go on if he breaks up with me”. It would actually break my heart if he did, and I wouldn’t know what to do. I cannot imagine him to not be in my life. Like ever.

Is this what love feels like? I guess it is.


ups and downs.

This is a place where I am completely honest, and I know how much I will love to read back on these posts in a year or so. How messed up my thoughts were, how difficult I make things for myself – when they’re really not.

After my very bad thoughts on Sunday, I didn’t want them to be true. I hesitated about writing that post, but I felt the need to get it out – writing it down makes it so real. But then I talked about it with a friend and she looked at me like I was a crazy woman. She met him that day and told me how well we match and how in love we looked.

Alan came to my place on Wednesday. I was out with some friends and asked if he was okay meeting them beforehand. He didn’t reply, so I simply got him there. He was very quiet, but I was happy for him to meet them. Then he met my mom. Everything went so well. Even my cats liked him, which was a huge relief to me.
We were sitting on the table for 3 hours, those two just talking to each other, so I already knew my mother liked him. Just today she told me that she thought he was so different to Momo, but that she really liked his personality.

When we got into bed, Alan and I had a long talk about our family issues. And the next morning – reviving these moments – my heart almost burst with love and that’s when I knew he is worth the struggles I’m going through. He is not just my boyfriend, but becoming a good friend. He listens, he’s there for me, he understands my situation. And that’s so important to me. Finally having someone, who knows what I am talking about. But after all that he’s went through, he still is so positive (and that’s something so different than what I’m used to).
Also my friend asked me if I have always been nervous before seeing my boyfriend,… and I realised that I have never felt this way. I was nervous before the first date, but anything after that was fine. I still get the butterflies just before I see Alan now – and I have seen him soooo many hours by now. It’s really weird to me.

Yes, I still fear to meet his friends and mom. She does not think very good of me (I think I mentioned that she saw the hickeys and told him that it was very cheap of me – he lied to her about me, said it was a bet with a friend.. but mum’s just know, right?). I really want to get along with her, so I’m under a lot of pressure. There’s no meeting in sight yet, but I know how nervous I will be – and I am sooo awkward when I’m nervous. I’m meeting some of his friends this weekend, so we’ll see how this goes.

I just wanted to say that although things might be edgy at times, I am very happy with him.

PS: Kenny texted me this week about today’s party. Today a year ago I met and kissed him. I told him that I wasn’t planning on going to that party and he asked me why not. So I just told him that I might go over to my boyfriend’s place (which wasn’t the case at all) and he was like “wow that went fast!” and I asked what he meant. Him: “well, just a month ago you hated every man.” I actually laughed out loud, because really?! Me: “that’s because I hadn’t met the right one yet.” Haven’t heard much from him since – apart from that he wished me luck.

friends’ story.

This post is going to be a freakin‘ long ranting post about my friend and realising what is going on in my life. When I first typed this post out in my head (as I always do), I just needed to vent about my friend. But then I realised something else.

But let’s not start at the end of the story:
I have a friend from school, J. I have been good friends with her for almost 2 years now and she is dear to me. However… the last few months when we didn’t see each other daily at school (but still like weekly or monthly at training), she didn’t give a shit about me. I did not get one text message and I talked to her one time in 6 months, because any other time, she was busy with her other friends. As school restarted this week, I noticed that something was bothering her and I asked her. That’s how I got her story:

J has had a boyfriend for the last 3 years. Ever since I’ve known her, she always told me how much she loved him and she wanted to have kids with him and whatever. They were very happy and I saw it and envied it. She also lives with the best friend of her boyfriend, who is also her own best friend. I know all three of them, as I spent quite some time at her place last year.
I always thought it to be awkward that she lived with his best friend, but then I would live with Mr. Cucu in an instant. I accept people the way they are and let them live their way. And her boyfriend was okay with it, so who am I to judge?
Then J went on with her story: 
2 months ago she went on holidays with her flatmate and they had a thing going on. They first thought it was a one-time-thing, because of their drunken selves,.. but kept having a lot of sex back at home. So basically, she has been in an affair with her boyfriends’ best friend for almost 2 months and her boyfriend doesn’t know any of it. Unfortunately she now has fallen in love with her flatmate.

As you might know, I am not too keen on cheating after what happened with Stan last year. I told her that first of all she owed her boyfriend a clean break. She should at least be honourable enough to let him go, no matter if it is “just” a short-lived crush on her flatmate or not. It is unfair to her boyfriend to keep him hanging without knowing what is going on.
She didn’t want to, because she didn’t want to hurt him and she thought that maybe she might forget about her flatmate – or everything actually – again. Deep down she knew, that she was lying to herself, so I let her figure that out herself. She kept going back and forth between flatmate and her boyfriend, and I just told her that she needs to make a decision, especially for the sake of her boyfriend. He needs to know, why she’s behaving so weird. She told me then, that she will never tell him that she fucked his best friend, and they don’t intend on letting him know – ever. I don’t really agree on the dishonesty, but it’s their choice to live with that lie. It’s not my place to judge. Again.

Anyway, so we talked for about an hour after school ended, as I didn’t know any of that story and I let her in on what I thought about all of this. I missed 3 of my trains back home (she lives a 10min walk away from school, whilst it takes me 45min with public transport). At the end I told her to let me know, if she needed  a break and wanted to get away from her flatmate for some time and stay at mine. She took me up on that offer and came over an hour later (well I picked her up, but whatever).

Now here’s the thing: I know that I can be an awesome friend. I listen to people for hours, I am very empathic and do understand most people even if I don’t agree – I always accept their opinions. I have a lot of patience and listen to them ramble on and on and on for hours, even if it’s the same story over and over again. I stayed up till 1.30am to let her cry it all out, to get her mind off things and just be there for her. I let her sleep in my bed, although I cannot sleep when someone is in my room at all. I bought food for her and cooked it for her. I did everything possible, to make her feel better (although in all honesty, in my opinion she does not deserve to, but then it is not my place to judge her actions). I do accept every person, and everyone can do whatever he/she likes to do, even if I don’t agree with it. I am not here to judge (unless I am involved myself).
But she was just rude. I did not get a thank you, until she was back at home and felt the need to send a message to thank me, just to ramble on about her flatmate. She took my blanket and didn’t even offer me half of it, she used more than half of my bed, when she clearly had more than enough space. I cooked for her, and it wasn’t even appreciated. No thank you, or even washing the dishes. She let everything on the table for me to clean up, once she was gone. I helped her write a letter to her boyfriend and listened to her rambling on and on. Always offering the same piece of advice over and over again, but also being very understanding of her current situation (because for fuck’s sake, for some reason I do understand what she’s going through). She was texting on her phone in the middle of the night, so I woke up because of the light. She was actually on her phone, most of the time, despite me sitting next to her. Just things like that.

So what has all of this to do with my life?
It made me realise how many bullshit friends I actually have. I tried to think about who I would go to, if I’d be in her situation. Is there anyone in my life, who would offer me a place to stay? An open and understanding ear to listen? A shoulder to cry on?
And I cannot name you one. Yes, I do have friends, but none if them care that deeply for me. And it makes me angry how I always do everything for people like J, when I don’t get anything in return. She didn’t give a fuck about me, when Stan cheated on me and I was bawling my eyes out for months and was just fuckin’ lonely all the freakin’ time. Nobody cared. Or even noticed in the first place.
And this made me realise how freakin’ lonely I actually am. I do not wish for a boyfriend at every price. But I would love to have a significant other, because I know I would join his group of friends.  I would have someone to rely on, someone who would be here in situations like these… But what for? To end up just as lonely again once it is over?

I don’t freakin’ know where my life has taken me, but it’s a pretty darn dark place. And I have become very socially anxious, which sucks big time. I don’t like going out at all anymore, not even with friends. I just wished for J to disappear all night yesterday, because I wanted to be alone. How sad is this life of mine? But still, I am somewhat pleased with it, I don’t feel sad. Most of the time.
It just makes me angry to know, that of all the people in my life, it’s only my mother I can truly depend on. And that makes me sad, because she won’t be here forever.

All of this has left me feeling sucked out. Empty. And nauseous. And I’m just done with today.


Not only has my anxiety hit its peak again, but depression has punched me right back into my face again.

while ago I have already talked about the topic of probably never having kids. Not that I do not want them, I really do, but there was suddenly this overwhelming feeling of not getting pregnant… like, ever. I cannot really explain where that feeling came from, but it stuck with me ever since. I mentioned that I have finally come to accept the thought, and I usually do. But it still leaves me crying every now and then. Like today.

When I got the message from my gyn that I had chlamydias back after the breakup with Stan last year, I was just sure that it got me infertile. I got everything tested again 2 weeks ago when I went for another checkup, because I had unprotected sex with Lex on holidays. I just wanted to be sure, that if I ever would find a guy again, that I was clean. For my own and the other’s sake.

Just a few days ago it crossed my mind that I hadn’t gotten a letter to say everything was okay yet. Which I usually did. Then after work I saw a missed call from my gyn. I already knew something was off and called them back, in fear that I had gotten gonorrheas. So whilst it was ringing I had all these bad thoughts in my head. In the end they told me that there was some inflammatory cell-change in my uterus. So after I finally got a negative test back earlier this year for my smear test, something is off once again.

I hang the phone up and said to my colleague, who was in the room: “why can’t they just take that shit out of me, so I have some peace at last?!” I literally said that they should take my uterus out, because I’m done hearing all those bad messages of my body. I’m done with how nothing seems to get better and getting calls from my doctors every few months. I hate going for checkups every month, and nothing ever gets better. For godness’ sake, I’m 26 and I have the body of a 50 yo. That just sucks and nobody seems to understand. And I just don’t have any energy left to fight all the freaking time.

Although I really really want children, I’m just done with all of this crap.
I have to go back in 3 months to get it checked out again, but seriously? I have no hope left for ever getting my life wish granted. I need to accept that I might never be a mother.

I talked to said colleague for 1.5 hours and she tried to cheer me up. But now I’m home alone again, and I’m crying my eyes out, because that thought finally does somewhat settle in my head. I just can’t accept it yet. Not really.
And it just seems like I can’t talk to anyone. The few people I did, don’t seem to take my thoughts seriously and just write it off to me overreacting. It’s always “nobody knows what the future brings” or “you sure will get pregnant somewhen”. But that feeling about being infertile just doesn’t go away. It’s not like it’s my fear (which it obviously is), but it’s just like something is awfully off in my body. I can’t really explain it. But I feel it.

I’m sorry for the huge overload of self-pity in this post, I just needed to get it off my chest.

that’s all it is…

Be forewarned, there might be a very depressed post ahead.

Sometimes I wonder if there is anyone out there, who cares the slightest about me. I have found myself thinking how everybody is going out with their friends, go on holidays with their beloved one, marry their significant other, having fun at a theme park with their friends or just randomly chatting with a good friend… and then there’s me. Sitting in my bed. Every day. Alone.
For the longest time, I avoided typing this out, because it makes everything so real. But I am alone. I used to have friends, who only had me,.. who made me feel special and cherished. I felt like they needed me, and I felt important. And then they found a boy-/girlfriend, got into a new group of friends and spent time with them. And I slowly faded out of their life, the importance vanished… I can’t blame them, I’m not the best friend on this world and I keep hanging at home, because I am scared to go out. I rather stay for a movie night, then go out clubbing. I understand that they leave me out. Who wants to hang out with anyone like that? Who wants to hang out with someone that doesn’t ‘bother’ to find time to spend with them…? I wouldn’t either.

Anxiety has taken a huge part in my life again.

I have found myself thinking that my life is actually a game. I know how weird this sounds, but sometimes I’m overwhelmed with the feeling that if I mess it up enough, I will  get a 1UP and begin from anew. Have a new chance to not mess things up and find my true love. This is absolutely nutshell and I know it, but I can’t shake that feeling off. I just am scared to spend this life alone. I want this to be a game, I am able to mess up and not be damaged for the rest of my life without a second chance.

I have my mom, who cares deeply about me, yes. But then that’s about everybody in my life. Friends, who I thought I would have all my life have slowly vanished after meeting their girlfriend. Friends, I have loved spending time with, are into sports and other friends now. Or just starting a family on their own. There’s no place for me.
Sure, I am happy as long as I work. I have lovely colleagues and can help my patients. I’m never alone when I work, I have people all around me. And they like me. But that’s all it is. A work-relationship. For the time being – as long as my shift lasts. I have not met one colleague out of work yet. I have not met a patient to go out (sure, I have bumped into several and had a short catchup, but then again.. that’s all it was – smalltalk).

I just feel so lonely and I feel like I don’t even have a chance to find that significant other. How? I don’t go out, because I have no friends to go out with. And I have shut down so much as not to even meet anyone on the internet. When the loneliness gets too much to bear, I get on Tinder and get my ego back, seeing that there are still guys out there, who match me. But then again… that’s all it is. An internet connection.

Just a quick example for what I’m feeling: guy’s friend. It has been over a month that my friend gave him my number and he has never even reached out to me. What is there to lose for him? Like, we could just chat. I do understand he doesn’t want to get into any new relationship, when he’s still thinking about his ex. But is there any harm to chat? And that’s why I think that he’s not actually interested. My friend said he was not turned off by my approach, but I don’t believe it anymore. I don’t think he even saved my number. I keep bumping into pictures of him, or just random thinking about him and it makes me so sad that I don’t even get a chance. Feeling like I once more waste a one-time chance.

Slowly drowning in self-pity, how much I hate this feeling. But I’m not sure how to get out of this spiral right now.

umm. I kinda forgot to mention…

You know how sometimes all of a sudden something happens? But then it feels like the most normal thing in the world and you forget to mention it? I guess this has just happened:

Things with Ken have been literally like a rollercoaster. Up. And down. And up again. And all the way down. You get the point. I mean, again, it has not even been a week since my last post but everything has changed. But let me start from where I left off:
We started talking again. We got to know us a bit better. Yes we still fought at some points, but it didn’t last as long as when we first wanted to meet. All of a sudden he asked me out again. I was so caught off guard by this, because I just thought he had given up. This time I was up for it though. He would be off the whole day, we decided for another meeting point and there was no fighting about it. Although for the whole time, we still kept joking about just being friends. We have also talked on the phone now, which I hate, but then again loved with him. Every evening I hoped he would call. Who am I? And what is up with my life? So today is the day and I am not yet sure what to expect. I really like him. Yet in the back of my mind there are a lot of things which make me wonder if things could work out. We have a lot of different views on life, and I don’t want another Momo. I will just have to let things go slowly I guess (yet I am hoping for a kiss, what is wrong with me?!)

Fortunately, at least things with the ex have died down again. Yesterday I was out with my school friends to have a drink and I bumped into a friend of Momo. I was in shock for a few seconds, but then just passed. Why would I say hello, I only saw him once or twice and he probably didn’t even remember me (although he had kept saying that we were a perfect match). I wasn’t shocked because I saw him, but because I thought how funny this situation was. I kept begging Momo not to go out and have a drink. And only yesterday did I really understand that the problem wasn’t the going out part, but his friends. I didn’t want to go out, because I didn’t like his friends. And now I’m here, going out with my friends every week and I am totally fine with it. No anxiety. No panic attacks. Funny how the world works, huh?

Then there’s Redfox. I actually feel a bit unfair that I am dating Ken and he didn’t get a chance. He has been constantly there for me, making me laugh and being overly protective (and maybe that’s the problem. Because I know it’s not what he actually is like). I have told myself that after the date today, I’ll probably know more about things with Ken and therefore might or might not let the conversation with Redfox die down a little. We’ll see. He has still asked me for a date and it’s cute, but y’all know.

Aaaanyway. I’ll let you know soon enough, how the date went.

all the feels!

This post is not going to be about any of the new guys I’m trying at least. I just wanted to say how happy I am.

I have been happy since the breakup, I’m not gonna lie. My life has increased a lot. Just today I said to my mom I am so glad that the anxiety is gone again. I’ve had one panic attack, which was kind of still connected with Momo, but ever since that (it was in December): nothing. I was in a crowded place today, which usually brings anxiety to me. Nothing. I am so much better without him and I am wondering if I didn’t even have a problem in the first place, but was getting anxious because there was no understanding from him? I will see. In November I’m going to a concert with my brother and if I don’t get anxious then, it really was because of Momo. Like, I know that I am scared of crowded places, but it was never as bad as with Momo. Anyway I’m chattering, you get the point!

So yes, I am much happier without him. But you know what?

I am even happier now. It is great to feel something again. Yes, I am absolutely terrified that I let too many feelings slip from my little castle I have built up. I am so scared to meet Ken and not get what I want. Or not be able to give him what he wants. I am absolutely shattered about it. But then again, I am also very happy that there are feelings again.
When I broke up with Momo I just switched them off. I just didn’t let any emotions slip anymore, because I was done trying to deal with all the emotions at once (has anyone seen “The Vampire Diaries”? It feels like the humanity switch to me..) But now, getting back into flirting and getting attention. Being told what a wonderful person I am. It feels good. Really good. And yes, there might be pain, and I might not get what I want. But at least I feel again, and I am glad.

I have been dancing around the house all day today. I was actually full with energy, went out for a run after walking for 40minutes straight already. I didn’t do as much in the last half year in one day. (At least not when I wasn’t angry and wanted to get that out). Where does the energy come, when I slept a total of 10 hours for the last 2 nights? Yes, it is the happiness. I fell asleep with a smile on my face, and woke up with one. I haven’t felt this good in a long long time.