My brain is really stupid. And I know it.
Things with Alan are going great, they really are. He is such an awesome, handsome and very loving man I do not deserve in any way. He makes me feel like I’ve never felt before and he shows me how a relationship should be. It’s weird to not feel bad about certain things or even feelings. And only now I understand how much Stan has actually destroyed in me. When I feel like saying sorry for things Stan expected me to and Alan just tells me to stop saying sorry all the time. He’s very caring, he makes me feel so good. He makes me feel loved – of all the things. Remembering how I even felt ugly and stupid whilst having sex with Stan, Alan makes me feel quite the opposite. He tells me how much he loves my body and me. He cuddles me. He kisses me. He holds my hand. He tells me how cute I am whenever I least expect it. It’s such a wonderful feeling.
And for the first time forever, I can actually see myself grow old with someone. I can see him in my life in a few years. Because he’s slowly becoming my best friend. We’re laughing so much, doing things I’d do with my friends. And I can’t wait to experience things with him. I want to go on holidays with him. I want to go to concerts with him, I just want to make so many memories. It’s all about spending quality time with him – and I love every second of it. (By the way, he also told me that he felt very bad for when I was awake that early and he slept in last weekend. Didn’t happen again the last few days I was at his place! 🙂 So all good.)
I met his best friend and his girlfriend last weekend. I was very unsure about how they thought of me, as I had been very quiet. I did talk whenever I had to say something, but it was way less than I usually would. Alan told me later on that his best friend said “you made the right choice!”
whatever that choice was about.
But even with all these wonderful things going on, there’s still that little voice inside me that makes me feel very self-concious. Like when I realise he doesn’t want to take a shower with me – remembering how all my exes loved to do that. I offered him on Tuesday to get into the shower, he said no (which probably was simply because he was too tired to get up). We went to take a shower this weekend separately. Then, seeing him dress up for that party, which he never did for me. You know? The little things.
And I know they’re not meant to hurt me, or he’s willingly trying to do these things. I mean I told him so many times that I was sorry for this and that and he always said that he loves me and I shouldn’t put so much thought into things like these. But I just can’t. I’m trying not not talk to him about these insecurities, but usually I blurt them out at some point. And he has told me before that he wants me to speak openly about them. But then I’m so afraid – one day he’ll get bored with them. Up until now he always reassured me that my thoughts were unreasonable, but I really don’t know. So I keep thinking about things like “why did he have to make a choice? Was there another girl?”, when really there probably is such a simple answer.
But that little voice inside me tells me to see these things and think about them. It’s making me crazy, especially because I know how much he likes me, and he does make me feel loved. It’s like I always thought I was so bad in bed, but he tells me differently each time. It’s so hard to believe, but he’s slowly slipping into my heart and making me believe these things. But there are still a lot of other things I need to get over, and I know they’re just in my head and I need to not read too much into these kinda things. Like when he’s quiet and I immediately think I’ve done something wrong or when we don’t talk for a minute on the phone and I think he’ll leave me because I’m boring (like I said, the things Stan has done to me… they’re unbearable and it makes me so much more angry at him). Or when he doesn’t say things back. Like, I told him today how much I miss him and he just sent an emoji back. Why do I think he doesn’t feel the same way, just because he doesn’t say it? It doesn’t mean anything. I mean, I didn’t say ‘I love you’ back so many times, and he didn’t get all upset. So what is wrong with me? It’s just, sometimes I put so much into a message, telling him all my feelings. And I don’t get much back. But then again, he told me before he’s not very good with words. And whenever I am with him, I feel like my heart could explode with love.
It’s difficult, but I’m trying very hard to ignore these voices and just enjoy the feelings that he actually gives me. The love I do feel
most of the time. It actually feels so right with him, I cannot put it into words – and I’ve never felt that way before. Even my home didn’t feel like home, when I came back the other day after 4 days at his place. You know, when you get into an apartment and it just smells like someone else? It didn’t smell like home. I’ve never experienced this before.
Oh the love. And I have never feared to lose someone as much as I do with him. I always was like “well, life will go on if he breaks up with me”. It would actually break my heart if he did, and I wouldn’t know what to do. I cannot imagine him to not be in my life. Like ever.
Is this what love feels like? I guess it is.