lonely

no social life!

Well, it has been a while it seems. There are several reasons for that. But mainly, because I just couldn’t deal with any kind of men and didn’t even want to think about anything close to dating. There was no man worth mentioning either. Most of them have disappeared from the earth – or from me at least.

However.

A good friend of mine had a date yesterday and it made me all itchy to have one myself. I’m just so sad and mad at myself. Like, everyone around me is starting to meet their (future)boyfriends and I’m still here, at the same exact point I was a year ago when Stan broke up with me. Single. Unhappy. Grumpy.

Like,… the last date I had, was with Pete in November 2015. That’s over a fucking year ago?! What happened to the girl that used to date guys every few weeks? What happened to writing with several guys at once and not being able to choose the best one? Said friend broke up with her long-term-boyfriend about a couple of months ago and she’s already dated 2 guys ever since. How am I here, over a year later and still no man in sight?! And that’s when I realise how fucked up I am. Staying at home, drowning in self-pity will not get me to meet guys. Sure, I did meet a few lovely guys at work, but seriously? What about my social life? And that’s probably why I got very itchy on going out, although I never do.

It’s not like I didn’t have the opportunity to have a date. One asked me just yesterday, but somehow my fucking expectations are just in the way all the time. If there’s the littlest things that annoys me about someone in the first couple of weeks I get to know them (on the internet, that is), I’ll just drop them. How can I expect to find someone to love with these kinda expectations? I do know there is no-one perfect out there, even less should I expect that because I am nowhere near perfect. So what is wrong with me?

Thursday we’re going out with a few friends. Maybe that’ll get me in the groove to go out some more. Who knows? (I don’t really think so, but I really need to up my social life).

Advertisements

friends’ story.

This post is going to be a freakin‘ long ranting post about my friend and realising what is going on in my life. When I first typed this post out in my head (as I always do), I just needed to vent about my friend. But then I realised something else.

But let’s not start at the end of the story:
I have a friend from school, J. I have been good friends with her for almost 2 years now and she is dear to me. However… the last few months when we didn’t see each other daily at school (but still like weekly or monthly at training), she didn’t give a shit about me. I did not get one text message and I talked to her one time in 6 months, because any other time, she was busy with her other friends. As school restarted this week, I noticed that something was bothering her and I asked her. That’s how I got her story:

J has had a boyfriend for the last 3 years. Ever since I’ve known her, she always told me how much she loved him and she wanted to have kids with him and whatever. They were very happy and I saw it and envied it. She also lives with the best friend of her boyfriend, who is also her own best friend. I know all three of them, as I spent quite some time at her place last year.
I always thought it to be awkward that she lived with his best friend, but then I would live with Mr. Cucu in an instant. I accept people the way they are and let them live their way. And her boyfriend was okay with it, so who am I to judge?
Then J went on with her story: 
2 months ago she went on holidays with her flatmate and they had a thing going on. They first thought it was a one-time-thing, because of their drunken selves,.. but kept having a lot of sex back at home. So basically, she has been in an affair with her boyfriends’ best friend for almost 2 months and her boyfriend doesn’t know any of it. Unfortunately she now has fallen in love with her flatmate.

As you might know, I am not too keen on cheating after what happened with Stan last year. I told her that first of all she owed her boyfriend a clean break. She should at least be honourable enough to let him go, no matter if it is “just” a short-lived crush on her flatmate or not. It is unfair to her boyfriend to keep him hanging without knowing what is going on.
She didn’t want to, because she didn’t want to hurt him and she thought that maybe she might forget about her flatmate – or everything actually – again. Deep down she knew, that she was lying to herself, so I let her figure that out herself. She kept going back and forth between flatmate and her boyfriend, and I just told her that she needs to make a decision, especially for the sake of her boyfriend. He needs to know, why she’s behaving so weird. She told me then, that she will never tell him that she fucked his best friend, and they don’t intend on letting him know – ever. I don’t really agree on the dishonesty, but it’s their choice to live with that lie. It’s not my place to judge. Again.

Anyway, so we talked for about an hour after school ended, as I didn’t know any of that story and I let her in on what I thought about all of this. I missed 3 of my trains back home (she lives a 10min walk away from school, whilst it takes me 45min with public transport). At the end I told her to let me know, if she needed  a break and wanted to get away from her flatmate for some time and stay at mine. She took me up on that offer and came over an hour later (well I picked her up, but whatever).

Now here’s the thing: I know that I can be an awesome friend. I listen to people for hours, I am very empathic and do understand most people even if I don’t agree – I always accept their opinions. I have a lot of patience and listen to them ramble on and on and on for hours, even if it’s the same story over and over again. I stayed up till 1.30am to let her cry it all out, to get her mind off things and just be there for her. I let her sleep in my bed, although I cannot sleep when someone is in my room at all. I bought food for her and cooked it for her. I did everything possible, to make her feel better (although in all honesty, in my opinion she does not deserve to, but then it is not my place to judge her actions). I do accept every person, and everyone can do whatever he/she likes to do, even if I don’t agree with it. I am not here to judge (unless I am involved myself).
But she was just rude. I did not get a thank you, until she was back at home and felt the need to send a message to thank me, just to ramble on about her flatmate. She took my blanket and didn’t even offer me half of it, she used more than half of my bed, when she clearly had more than enough space. I cooked for her, and it wasn’t even appreciated. No thank you, or even washing the dishes. She let everything on the table for me to clean up, once she was gone. I helped her write a letter to her boyfriend and listened to her rambling on and on. Always offering the same piece of advice over and over again, but also being very understanding of her current situation (because for fuck’s sake, for some reason I do understand what she’s going through). She was texting on her phone in the middle of the night, so I woke up because of the light. She was actually on her phone, most of the time, despite me sitting next to her. Just things like that.

So what has all of this to do with my life?
It made me realise how many bullshit friends I actually have. I tried to think about who I would go to, if I’d be in her situation. Is there anyone in my life, who would offer me a place to stay? An open and understanding ear to listen? A shoulder to cry on?
And I cannot name you one. Yes, I do have friends, but none if them care that deeply for me. And it makes me angry how I always do everything for people like J, when I don’t get anything in return. She didn’t give a fuck about me, when Stan cheated on me and I was bawling my eyes out for months and was just fuckin’ lonely all the freakin’ time. Nobody cared. Or even noticed in the first place.
And this made me realise how freakin’ lonely I actually am. I do not wish for a boyfriend at every price. But I would love to have a significant other, because I know I would join his group of friends.  I would have someone to rely on, someone who would be here in situations like these… But what for? To end up just as lonely again once it is over?

I don’t freakin’ know where my life has taken me, but it’s a pretty darn dark place. And I have become very socially anxious, which sucks big time. I don’t like going out at all anymore, not even with friends. I just wished for J to disappear all night yesterday, because I wanted to be alone. How sad is this life of mine? But still, I am somewhat pleased with it, I don’t feel sad. Most of the time.
It just makes me angry to know, that of all the people in my life, it’s only my mother I can truly depend on. And that makes me sad, because she won’t be here forever.

All of this has left me feeling sucked out. Empty. And nauseous. And I’m just done with today.

that’s all it is…

Be forewarned, there might be a very depressed post ahead.

Sometimes I wonder if there is anyone out there, who cares the slightest about me. I have found myself thinking how everybody is going out with their friends, go on holidays with their beloved one, marry their significant other, having fun at a theme park with their friends or just randomly chatting with a good friend… and then there’s me. Sitting in my bed. Every day. Alone.
For the longest time, I avoided typing this out, because it makes everything so real. But I am alone. I used to have friends, who only had me,.. who made me feel special and cherished. I felt like they needed me, and I felt important. And then they found a boy-/girlfriend, got into a new group of friends and spent time with them. And I slowly faded out of their life, the importance vanished… I can’t blame them, I’m not the best friend on this world and I keep hanging at home, because I am scared to go out. I rather stay for a movie night, then go out clubbing. I understand that they leave me out. Who wants to hang out with anyone like that? Who wants to hang out with someone that doesn’t ‘bother’ to find time to spend with them…? I wouldn’t either.

Anxiety has taken a huge part in my life again.

I have found myself thinking that my life is actually a game. I know how weird this sounds, but sometimes I’m overwhelmed with the feeling that if I mess it up enough, I will  get a 1UP and begin from anew. Have a new chance to not mess things up and find my true love. This is absolutely nutshell and I know it, but I can’t shake that feeling off. I just am scared to spend this life alone. I want this to be a game, I am able to mess up and not be damaged for the rest of my life without a second chance.

I have my mom, who cares deeply about me, yes. But then that’s about everybody in my life. Friends, who I thought I would have all my life have slowly vanished after meeting their girlfriend. Friends, I have loved spending time with, are into sports and other friends now. Or just starting a family on their own. There’s no place for me.
Sure, I am happy as long as I work. I have lovely colleagues and can help my patients. I’m never alone when I work, I have people all around me. And they like me. But that’s all it is. A work-relationship. For the time being – as long as my shift lasts. I have not met one colleague out of work yet. I have not met a patient to go out (sure, I have bumped into several and had a short catchup, but then again.. that’s all it was – smalltalk).

I just feel so lonely and I feel like I don’t even have a chance to find that significant other. How? I don’t go out, because I have no friends to go out with. And I have shut down so much as not to even meet anyone on the internet. When the loneliness gets too much to bear, I get on Tinder and get my ego back, seeing that there are still guys out there, who match me. But then again… that’s all it is. An internet connection.

Just a quick example for what I’m feeling: guy’s friend. It has been over a month that my friend gave him my number and he has never even reached out to me. What is there to lose for him? Like, we could just chat. I do understand he doesn’t want to get into any new relationship, when he’s still thinking about his ex. But is there any harm to chat? And that’s why I think that he’s not actually interested. My friend said he was not turned off by my approach, but I don’t believe it anymore. I don’t think he even saved my number. I keep bumping into pictures of him, or just random thinking about him and it makes me so sad that I don’t even get a chance. Feeling like I once more waste a one-time chance.

Slowly drowning in self-pity, how much I hate this feeling. But I’m not sure how to get out of this spiral right now.

breakups upset me

I guess it’s a week full of realisations.

Yesterday my neighbour (she’s like 60 and has been living here for over 10 years) told me, that she will be moving out. She lived here with her not-husband (they’re not married, but have been together for over 20 years). This partly came as a shock, but also not so much. If that makes any sense. I talked with my mother about this and asked for her reasons of breaking up after such a long time. She said “he just can’t change his personality”.

This somehow really upset me. I got angry at people breaking up with their significant other, they’ve been dating for so many years. I do understand, it is healthy to get out of a relationship that is not doing you any good. And I’m all in for it! But. I don’t understand when you’re breaking up about something that has been going on ever since they started dating. Why did they keep dating, if it was so upsetting in the first place?!

I started reasoning with my mother, because I was so upset about her decision to break up. She said that he’s too messy and just some personal stuff. But then I said that she’s known about these things, when they first started dating. My mother said that they only moved in together after 10 years of being a couple, so the mess only showed up by then. But then that still leaves 10 years. I do understand that it’s different to being together and living together. And life changes, yes. Expectations change. Wants change. Everything changes.

I just don’t understand, and sometimes I feel like life is really unfair. But then I remembered that I broke up with Momo for similar reasons. He had some similar personal stuff going on, I was not willing to put up with. But then, I decided this after 1 year and not 20. You get me? And feeling so lonely, I get angry about people being upset with their boyfriends or breaking up with them for – in my opinion – silly reasons. Don’t get me wrong, I totally understand her and I’m glad she’s made that decision if she’s unhappy…

I don’t really know why I’m feeling the way I feel. But I’m just upset. Upset about how life is currently going. I feel lonely. I feel depressed. I feel weird. And I don’t really know what to do about it. There is not like a solution to solve my current situation, because every single one is not exactly what I want. I’m just so unhappy with my life. And I have always been the one to say “if you’re unhappy, change it!”… but I don’t know what to change. So I’m just trying to get through somehow.

I’m sorry for all these posts that seem very down and sad. I am sad, but I also have good times in a day. I just… I don’t know what to do anymore and I feel completely lost.

no more men for me!

You know, looking back onto my life… it has always been about boys/men.
In one of my previous posts I talked about how – for the first time in my entire life – I am not planning my future around a guy. And talking about my future plans with family and friends has just once more showed me, how everyone knows that I depended my future plans around a family all the time:

I told my school friends yesterday about probably emigrating after university. I also told them that I had great holidays. The most asked question was “so you met someone down there, right?”. Yes I did, dear friends. But although he has ‘dumped’ me, my plan is still to go over there after my studies. It’s not always about boys.
I also talked to my mother about these things and she just said – which is very true – that I had these plans before – when I returned from Australia. This is very true, and I did want to go again after my apprenticeship, but then I met Momo and was with him, so the plans just subsided. I did say that there might be a small chance I’ll have a boyfriend at the end of my studies again, but I am not depending my life decisions on the dream of finding someone during that time. If it happens, then great. If it doesn’t, there’s nothing holding me back from reaching for my dreams.
You know, both times the trigger was a boy. I’m not gonna lie. I had a boyfriend when I was in Australia and that’s mainly because I wanted to stay/go back. I met awesome guys when I was on holidays, so this is true. But. The itchy feet I get, is not about boys. It’s about feeling better abroad. It’s about not feeling home here. It’s about the atmosphere and the people around me. It’s about the language. And yes, it’s about getting away from my family also.

I also mentioned that I might go back to the same place at the end of October. I am not sure if I will go through with it, firstly because I’m having money issues (but I could manage), I do want to get away from everyone so it would be awesome… but then I don’t want to be there with the animation team already gone, because it would remind me so much of them. And also Chris would still be there, so you know. Problems ahead.
But I keep dreaming about Crush and the others, and it does bother me. It’s always about not getting a chance to say goodbye, so it’s really nagging on me. But I can’t change what my head decides to think of. And someday I will deal. And no, Crush still has not replied.

For now I’ll just live on. No men in sight, and not interested in any anyway. I can be happy with myself and I need to learn this. Like truly.
I have issues being alone right now, so I try to keep busy or people around me when I’m off work. Gladly I’m actually not off work a lot, so that’s a plus. I’m also staying busy, if I cannot be surrounded by people with studying or exercise. So that’s great.

I miss my ex.

I was going on a walk today, which usually makes me think a lot about my past and present. And I started missing Momo. But let me explain further:

I have been feeling very lonely as of late – you know that already. Not in the sense that I do not love myself or cannot entertain myself – I actually can – I just feel sort of left out… for lack of better words.
Ever since I finished my apprenticeship and changed my job, my circle of friends has once more changed completely. I have never been that girl to always have the same group of friends for a long time, it has changed over time about 5-6 times since puberty. A few friends have come along ever since, but not as a group – if you know what I mean. I do have close friends – such as Mr. Cucu – when I need them, they are there. But I don’t have those friends to hang out with every weekend, like a normal 25yo-girl does. Like.. a group of friends, a clique if you will so. I usually sit at home on weekends. And don’t get me wrong, I’m okay being home most of the time, I just sometimes miss the opportunity to just text someone and a group of friends can hang out by the sea or whatever. Or just go to a certain place, I know everyone hangs out at. Just a opportunity to not feel lonely, if that makes any sense.

I was passing so many guys my age that were going to the beach with their friends today, it made me realise how lonely I actually am… and how different, I guess. I do have friends, and I probably could text them and they would gladly hang out with me. The thing is… 90% of my friends are in relationships, and I don’t like to be the 3rd wheel. The other 10% are just genuinely not interested in the same things as me, so I don’t really want to hang out with them all the time – or actually they mostly have their own group of friends and I feel awkward to ask.

I just miss having those friends to see on a regular basis. And not just once a month, like I do with Mr. Cucu (which is mainly because he lives a 2-hour drive away). Because I once was in a circle of friends who did this. And I can’t really get back into one just like that.. and that’s why I mainly miss Momo. When it wasn’t just the two of us, we would usually hang out with his friends or go out and I really liked that we could just go and have a BBQ with them every weekend. The same people, every week. I didn’t feel left out, or different.

I miss having someone to be with me every day. Someone to text. Someone to bother. Someone I can text when something silly or funny happened. Because right now I usually text no-one or just a different person considering the situation each time.
And I feel like I can’t just wait for a boyfriend to show up and bring me into a new group of friends. But then, what can I do? I’m not really outgoing and as I said most of my friends are in relationships and have couple-dates.

But whatever. The time will come. Somewhen.

being single can suck.

I thought I was doing so much better. I’m not sure if I have fooled myself or am on a roller coaster again. I felt so much better, now that school is done. But yesterday I had an all-time low. Again. I even texted Momo and told him that I had given up on hope to ever find a matching man – or a relationship at all. That’s pretty damn sad, isn’t it? Texting your ex, because you feel so lonely? What the fuck…

Don’t be worried though, I have not gotten down to meeting up with Kenny. I am still chatting with him, he is still trying to flirt and every now and then I actually let him. But it’s different. Because my emotions are off. I don’t bother to text him after Friday afternoons and it’s actually okay to have some time. But he’s the only one that makes me not feel so lonely right now, because I just know he misses me. He wouldn’t bother to text me so much and let me know how much he likes me, if he didn’t care at all. Whether that’s just to get into my pants or not, I do not care right now. But I like the idea of at least someone caring about me enough to talk to me almost daily.

But. I feel lonely. Extremely lonely. And I’m not sure what to do about it. I don’t want to just date someone for the sake of having someone in my life. But it also is a spiral down to depression, if I keep being by myself, sleeping and just not do anything. I can’t be bothered right now. And being surrounded by friends, who get married, pregnant, become father or whatever, is just making me feel so left-out. I feel like the odd one out, because I can’t seem to find someone who is willing to put up with me. And it fuckin sucks to be completely honest.