This is something that has been on my mind for a long time. I am not afraid to talk about it, it’s just weird. I have told a good friend of mine who is supporting me way too much for my liking. Have not told my best friend yet, because I’m not entirely sure how she will react. Not afraid she will not support me, just… that things would change.
So, what am I hinting at. A few years back, I wished to be gay. This may sound really weird, but I always thought that it would be easier to be in a relationship with a woman. They are more empathic than the men I have met so far, and they understand me better than men do. No judgement here.
For as long as I can think, I always found women bodies way more attractive than men. When I was younger, I was even “afraid” of penises. It didn’t turn me on (but it didn’t turn me off either). I just accepted that for what it was, but kept being in relationship with men (like you all know). Even though I fully accepted me being attracted to women bodywise, I always knew I could not be in a relationship with a girl. I was too keen on men all my life, spending most of my time with men – friendshipwise. It thought women are way too complicated and too much feeling for my liking. I know this is not really making any sense at all.
Like I said a couple of years ago I really really wished to be a lesbian. I was so sick of men and how they treated me. I even turned on both genders on Tinder. But I could not get myself to write with them.
Now. What happened? I am now 32 years old and I wonder whether I probably am bisexual. No problem with that. Like I said, I was always turned on by women. I even could imagine myself having sex with them. I have talked about this with friends. My best friend said she thinks women are attractive, too, but she could not imagine having sex with one (even though she’s had several sex dreams with me haha). There’s nothing wrong with that, but like I said. I never saw myself in a relationship with a women.
Until a few days ago. At work I have met a girl – Sash. She was looking into our job and so we spent 4 entire days together. We had a blast, she was like my best friend and I really loved spending time with her. We talked a lot – mostly about work, but also a little about other things. Well, mostly me rambling about my exboyfriend. She did not say much to it or about her love life, which is fine. On her last day (Friday) I waited for her to get changed so we could walk outside. And then we spent almost 2 hours outside in the cold, just talking. It was great and I really started to like her. No thoughts about a relationship there though. Just enjoying time with a new friend.
The next day I spent with my best friend, I told her about Sash and realised that I really missed her. I did have her phone number, so that was cool and I could text her. And I kept thinking about her every now and then. I texted my good friend on Sunday evening about my feelings and he said to go for it. I don’t even know whether she is gay or not. I have always been bad at realising who is gay and who is not (just because I don’t care anyway). But something is telling me that she is. But I can’t bring myself to ask her.
On our last shift together, I told her about a doctor I fancied. We flirted a little in front of her and we were making fun about something he said. So I sent him my address (he said he didn’t know where to visit me, because it was his last day on our unit) by email. She found that very funny.
On Monday I texted her, asking how her first day in the other hospital had been going. She sent me a voice message about 1.5 minutes, and I smiled like a little kiddo. I loved hearing her voice, which just underlined how I felt about her. She ended the message with “but most importantly, has the doctor answered your mail?!”. I was sad somehow, because realising that she things I am only interested in men because of that stupid flirting.
And then I thought she really did not want to text at all, but she kept the conversation going. The next day she texted me on instagram and so we have been in contact all week. Not really long texts, but just a little each day.
Today I woke up from a dream of her. She picked me up to go to work and I kissed her. She did not flinch, but she also did not go in for more. Which I interpreted as her not being interested. Of course I texted her this morning, telling her about my dream (just didn’t say that we kissed) and she found it so funny. I then said “maybe I should have given YOU my address”, she just sent laughing smileys.
I really don’t know what to do or what to think. I know that I should ask her about her sexual orientation, but then I also don’t know what this is about me. Am I really bisexual or am I just reading too much into too tiny things? No idea. So I will have to see how things go from here. Like I said, I am completely open and I do not care whether I am bisexual or not, it’s just weird to have these feelings all of a sudden when I had wished for them my entire life.
diary of a tight-lipped girl. 