heartbroken

breakups upset me

I guess it’s a week full of realisations.

Yesterday my neighbour (she’s like 60 and has been living here for over 10 years) told me, that she will be moving out. She lived here with her not-husband (they’re not married, but have been together for over 20 years). This partly came as a shock, but also not so much. If that makes any sense. I talked with my mother about this and asked for her reasons of breaking up after such a long time. She said “he just can’t change his personality”.

This somehow really upset me. I got angry at people breaking up with their significant other, they’ve been dating for so many years. I do understand, it is healthy to get out of a relationship that is not doing you any good. And I’m all in for it! But. I don’t understand when you’re breaking up about something that has been going on ever since they started dating. Why did they keep dating, if it was so upsetting in the first place?!

I started reasoning with my mother, because I was so upset about her decision to break up. She said that he’s too messy and just some personal stuff. But then I said that she’s known about these things, when they first started dating. My mother said that they only moved in together after 10 years of being a couple, so the mess only showed up by then. But then that still leaves 10 years. I do understand that it’s different to being together and living together. And life changes, yes. Expectations change. Wants change. Everything changes.

I just don’t understand, and sometimes I feel like life is really unfair. But then I remembered that I broke up with Momo for similar reasons. He had some similar personal stuff going on, I was not willing to put up with. But then, I decided this after 1 year and not 20. You get me? And feeling so lonely, I get angry about people being upset with their boyfriends or breaking up with them for – in my opinion – silly reasons. Don’t get me wrong, I totally understand her and I’m glad she’s made that decision if she’s unhappy…

I don’t really know why I’m feeling the way I feel. But I’m just upset. Upset about how life is currently going. I feel lonely. I feel depressed. I feel weird. And I don’t really know what to do about it. There is not like a solution to solve my current situation, because every single one is not exactly what I want. I’m just so unhappy with my life. And I have always been the one to say “if you’re unhappy, change it!”… but I don’t know what to change. So I’m just trying to get through somehow.

I’m sorry for all these posts that seem very down and sad. I am sad, but I also have good times in a day. I just… I don’t know what to do anymore and I feel completely lost.

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distance

Just a short one for once.

There is no reason to dwell on something that probably was just in my head. Yes, I am very sad about Crush not replying, but so what. I can’t change it. I can’t change what he thinks of me. Or what he does. Or rather that he doesn’t think about me at all. So here’s a quote that really has gotten to me these last few days:

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So this time it seems to be “forget“.

Crush forgot about me.

I went through pretty much every scenario with Crush whilst waiting on his message. What if he said this or that? What if he never read the message? Or he blocked me? What if he never wants to see me? What if he likes me back? Is there a chance? How can we chat when he only has one day off per week? Will he be happy when I return in October? Will he even still be there? Would I tell him these things to his face? I would definitely want to say goodbye this time around? But what if he doesn’t want to see me and ignores me? I would fly over there for nothing..?

What I had never thought about is:
What if he reads my message and doesn’t reply?

I don’t know why I never expected him to NOT reply, I just did. I woke up this morning around 4am and went into my facebook chats. Whoever knows why? And saw that he read it. No reply to it though. And I knew I wouldn’t get a reply later on as well. I just knew.
It took him a long time to reply the last time, when there was still a chance to talk in person. And he was so happy about my message, I guess that’s what I was hoping for. That he would be so grateful again that he’d be happy. He was so happy about anything I did. You should have seen his face, when I told him that I sang karaoke for him and he wasn’t there. It was freaking cute.

He’s not the guy to play around, so maybe that’s why I didn’t expect this. And somehow I am not as disappointed as I should be, because maybe… deep down I knew this would happen. I didn’t expect a fairytale love story out of this, I knew the chance to ever meet him again was tiny… yet I wanted to let him know how I felt about him. And yes, I did want to hear it back. But he probably was just being nice to me – just like any other girl he met. Nothing special. So I feel weird about telling him my feelings now, yes I do. But I can’t take it back and it’s okay. Because they were true. And I don’t feel bad about things that I truly felt. I’m sad to not meet him ever again. And to not talk to him, because he really has a special place in my heart for whoever knows the reason.
Yes, maybe there is still a tiny little hope left in me that I will get a reply somewhen. But I don’t expect him to. Sadly.

Come one girl, get over yourself.

I’m no good at goodbyes.

I’m back home. And sadly so. I cried during most of the drive and flight home (which sums up to about 5 hours or more). Why, you might ask yourself?

I’m just sad I didn’t get to say goodbye to anyone. I did bump into Chris one last time when I left the beach. He just looked at me and turned around. I knew he would, he was glad I had to leave. And I was actually okay with it. This story had ended for me.
But all the guys from the animation team. I saw Crush in the morning, I wanted to say goodbye to him then, but he said he would come to the entrance when I leave. We decided on 2.30pm (I should get picked up at 3pm). He said he’s gonna bring the others.
After Crush left, I didn’t bump into anyone of the others. Once I was sat at the lobby I just knew. I knew I wouldn’t get to say goodbye, because… it’s just my life. I have never had the chance to say goodbye to anyone. Ever. Not if I liked them.
So I actually walked around the pool 3 times, because they usually stay there. Noone. At 2.59pm the driver came and my mom told me to get the fuck in the car. By then I was already crying like a baby. I sat in the car and looked back. I don’t know if it was real or not, but just when the driver started, I saw about 5 people coming up the reception. But it probably wasn’t them.

So I went away, no goodbye. No hugs. I was devastated. I had gotten to like these people so much by then, I really didn’t want to leave. As mentioned already, I cried. My eyes are all puffy by now. I didn’t talk to anyone for the rest of the day and I still don’t feel like talking. Nobody can understand this feeling inside of me. Who even gets to love people in the short amount of 2 weeks and wants to change their life, just because of this? Yeah, nobody, but me.

I don’t know why, but I need to get back. I know, they probably don’t care about me. I was just a girl on holidays. They will forget. They live on their beautiful life and I go back to normal, boring, daily life.
I don’t know about the Crush. I don’t know why the thought of not telling goodbye to him broke my heart. Maybe because I know I will not see him again. Maybe because I just wanted to tell him some things to his face, I didn’t have a chance before. You know, he was off work on Saturday. I found him on facebook and texted him “enjoy your day off, sweetie 😉 :*” by the time I realised what I had written, I was ashamed. But then I bumped into him in the evening and he said with the hugest smile “your message made my day!” I don’t think I have been this happy in a long time. I just totally didn’t expect this, as I had ‘just’ gotten a “thx :* :* :*” back from him. I didn’t expect him to be that happy about a message. It was also the evening I sang on karaoke for him (I hate singing in front of people!), because he asked me to a few days prior. Of course he wasn’t there and when the others told him, he was really upset and sad. He just has a really cute personality.
imageWhen I left the hotel, I just had to tell him the things I wanted to say to his face but didn’t get the chance. So I did. He hasn’t read it yet – not so keen on facebook I guess. Which makes it that much harder.

The thing about Lex: I woke up to noticing a hickey on my neck. That was kind of weird, because I was afraid someone would notice. But nobody said so. I had been thinking about our sex a lot after the 2 hours of sleep. And it made me giggle most of the time. So no, I do not regret it. It was fun. I don’t expect any thing of it and I guess that’s how ONS should work, right? I was even surprised when Crush said Lex can come to say goodbye (of course he didn’t).

So I did say goodbye to everyone of them. But it was in the middle of the night with saying “see you tomorrow”. Maybe it’s for the better. I have never been good in saying goodbye and letting go, so that’s probably how life tries to be good with me? Maybe saying “see you” is better than an actual goodbye? I don’t know, I never got to say it before.
The thought of never getting to see any of them again is killing me. I figured I might be able to go back at the end of October, it would be their last week.

So all of this. Is a huge deja-vu from when I returned to Australia. I really don’t feel like I’m home at all. I don’t want to be here. I don’t care about my family being here or my friends. Or the work I used to love so much. Right now  I really just don’t want any of it.

I think I will return to normal. Someday. It will take some time though. And the thing is: this happens almost every time I go abroad. So I got my itchy feet back on a horrible level. I even thought about cancelling my studies and go back. Who the fuck cares about my studies here? I want to get on an island and talk to people in different languages (actually, this was the most annoying thing to me yesterday: everybody talked in my mother tongue again and it freaked me out, because it made me missed all the different English accents I used to hear). And I know, apart from my mother nobody will care if I do so.

For now I will stay here for a few weeks. If it doesn’t get better, I will go. I don’t care about what my brother says anymore that I have to stay in this country because of my nephew. Because really? My heart doesn’t belong here. And although I could not be anymore born of this nationality, I don’t feel like it at all (and that’s what people told me on holidays as well).
It feels weird to know that everyone else’s life just goes on as if nothing had ever happened – well that’s because it hasn’t. And I’m sitting here, feeling like my life has just broken into a billion pieces and I don’t know how to put them back together.

Maybe my life will take a huge turn in these next couple of months. Maybe it won’t. But in the long run, I need to get the fuck away (and there’s a new target in sight now, so we’ll see).
For now I have planned to go to the tattoist and get one made for memories of these holidays. And yes, really, I am that stupid.

S, C, Lex, V, Crush, G, N, St. – you have taken my heart and kept it there. I love you guys, and I hope to some day see you again (the hope is tiny, but you know… life). Missing you.

The end of Chris and I.

So to let you guys know about the end of Chris’ and my story, I will write this down one last time. Then he’s gone for good from this blog and my mind.

I had to fight for attention today with Chris. I wanted to know what had happened, because it was bothering me that I didn’t know what the problem seemed to be. He ignored me at all costs and always went away whenever I  was even coming close to him. And I hate to be ignored and not know the reason.
I asked his friend in the morning, he said he didn’t know but he thinks he likes me. I told him to say Chris that I like him. I’m not sure he did, but it doesn’t matter as you will read in the end of this story.
I really really dislike this guy by now, it’s the one who tried to set up a date and probably didn’t tell him that I waited on him yesterday. Or maybe he did, as Chris has been behaving like a baby. But let’s read on.

By midday I’ve gotten quite annoyed and asked the lifeguard, who is friends with him as well and he said he didn’t know either, but he could go ask him. Which he did.
When he returned he said that Chris had a girlfriend. I actually started laughing, because really? What the fuck? For once I think that is not true, secondly even if it is. He could have just said so and all was done. I didn’t expect a fuckin lovestory out of this. Lifeguard was a really nice guy though, saying he understood that I was upset and Chris wasn’t handling it like a real man. He was genuinely the nicest guy of them all. He also told me where to find him, if I needed to talk.

I was feeling calm after that. Not happy, but calm. Like… finding closure. Yet I wanted to talk to Chris one last time and wanted to say thank you (my mind is bananas), which was a problem as he was avoiding me at all costs.
I went up to the bar and told Goldie to tell Chris to please come for a second and talk. He said he didn’t want to talk. I said it’s not gonna be a big deal. He said he has a girlfriend. I said that I knew, I still wanted to talk to him. They ignored me. I waited. After like 5 minutes Chris came up to me at the bar (which he didn’t want to leave when I asked him for a quiet moment) and asked what was up. I asked him what was going on. He just said that he had problems with work and has a girlfriend (who even says these things in one sentence and this order?!) I said that I knew and he could have just told me. He didn’t look me in the eyes at all throughout this very short conversation, which he never did before. He didn’t say anything to this so I was like “look I really liked you, but whatever” and walked away. I saw it in his eyes that he was hurt by that reaction I think. I was close to throwing my drink at him for being such an asshole, but I didn’t. There’s something fishy about all of this, but… I have found closure. He probably hasn’t.

So that has been the story of Chris and I.

I would have loved to really say goodbye to him and thank him for a lovely time before I leave. But I will not show up on that bar again. I don’t let myself be treated like – neither by Chris nor Goldie (because he has been a huge ass as well). He didn’t want a goodbye, so he can get that.
I know he won’t forget about me so easily. I know he actually liked me. For real. He wouldn’t have acted this way otherwise. I will never know what is going on in his head, but now that I am angry with him, I can find the closure I was searching for today. Even if it hurt.

Sad me. No holiday flirt.

I already feel pretty damn stupid, so that didn’t last very long, did it?
I’m not sure what I had expected, but it was definitely different to what happened today. I actually was so excited to see him again that I woke up at 7am and slept no more.
Once I did see him though…

Nothing.

He was smiling at me, but no different than to anybody else. Did he really just wanted to know he could have me? I wondered. Goldie was saying things, which made me think that Chris indeed had told them about our kiss. But then it just as well could be not the case.

Either way.
I didn’t know what to do or expect. When I asked him if he was fine at the bar he didn’t reply. I was worried that he thought bad of our kiss or things weren’t okay between the two of us. So when I once saw him go on his break I went and asked if he was okay. He just said that he was tired. Okay. We were alone. He did have the chance to kiss me. But he didn’t. I understand, there was a high cjance of someone running into us.
I figured I could wait for him after he finished work at 6pm. Just like yesterday…. To be left standing there with a drink in hand and him saying sorry as he had to leave with a friend (whom asked me to join them to a new club on Saturday). Was not a nice feeling at all. No hand shaking. No cheeky little kiss. No “see you tomorrow”. No look back to me when walking away. Plain nothing. He did however look at me with bright eyes when I said I would think about Saturday night (as his friend suggested).

I’m not sure what to do or think about any of this. He did flirt in front of me with 2 girls, that could be to make me jealous or just… he might be that way. I mean, come on guys… he’s a bartender. What did I expect?
And already I am head over heels and feel very sad about today. I should just suck it up and lower me expectations. Or probably just have none of them alltogether.
I also gave him the chance to ask me out after his work when I asked if he was busy tonight. Nothing.

Okay then. Either I’m gonna ignore him tomorrow and just act like nothing ever happened. Not wait on him at 6pm. Not get drinks at all. Just, get away from him and get over myself very quickly.
Or I’m gonna catch him on his break again, give him my number and therefore give him the leads to that whole thing. So he could text me when he wants to see me in the evening or whatever. What do you guys think I should do?
Also when I went to grab a drink before the bar closed, he asked if I wanted sex on the beach. Or sex on the couch. Or whatever sex. With a huge smile of course. I just said “San Fransico please” and he was like “no sex then *sad face*”. Maybe that’s why? He really just wants to get me laid, right? I fucking hate getting my emotions involved so easily.
I really don’t know. Help me guys, please.

3 more days left to get my heart broken.

Sad me. No holiday flirt.

I already feel pretty damn stupid, so that didn’t last very long, did it?
I’m not sure what I had expected, but it was definitely different to what happened today. I actually was so excited to see him again that I woke up at 7am and slept no more.
Once I did see him though…

Nothing.

He was smiling at me, but no different than to anybody else. Did he really just wanted to know he could have me? I wondered. Goldie was saying things, which made me think that Chris indeed had told them about our kiss. But then it just as well could be not the case.

Either way.
I didn’t know what to do or expect. When I asked him if he was fine at the bar he didn’t reply. I was worried that he thought bad of our kiss or things weren’t okay between the two of us. So when I once saw him go on his break I went and asked if he was okay. He just said that he was tired. Okay. We were alone. He did have the chance to kiss me. But he didn’t. I understand, there was a high cjance of someone running into us.
I figured I could wait for him after he finished work at 6pm. Just like yesterday…. To be left standing there with a drink in hand and him saying sorry as he had to leave with a friend (whom asked me to join them to a new club on Saturday). Was not a nice feeling at all. No hand shaking. No cheeky little kiss. No “see you tomorrow”. No look back to me when walking away. Plain nothing. He did however look at me with bright eyes when I said I would think about Saturday night (as his friend suggested).

I’m not sure what to do or think about any of this. He did flirt in front of me with 2 girls, that could be to make me jealous or just… he might be that way. I mean, come on guys… he’s a bartender. What did I expect?
And already I am head over heels and feel very sad about today. I should just suck it up and lower me expectations. Or probably just have none of them alltogether.
I also gave him the chance to ask me out after his work when I asked if he was busy tonight. Nothing.

Okay then. Either I’m gonna ignore him tomorrow and just act like nothing ever happened. Not wait on him at 6pm. Not get drinks at all. Just, get away from him and get over myself very quickly.
Or I’m gonna catch him on his break again, give him my number and therefore give him the leads to that whole thing. So he could text me when he wants to see me in the evening or whatever. What do you guys think I should do?
Also when I went to grab a drink before the bar closed, he asked if I wanted sex on the beach. Or sex on the couch. Or whatever sex. With a huge smile of course. I just said “San Fransico please” and he was like “no sex then *sad face*”. Maybe that’s why? He really just wants to get me laid, right? I fucking hate getting my emotions involved so easily.
I really don’t know. Help me guys, please.

3 more days left to get my heart broken.