I’m no good at goodbyes.

I’m back home. And sadly so. I cried during most of the drive and flight home (which sums up to about 5 hours or more). Why, you might ask yourself?

I’m just sad I didn’t get to say goodbye to anyone. I did bump into Chris one last time when I left the beach. He just looked at me and turned around. I knew he would, he was glad I had to leave. And I was actually okay with it. This story had ended for me.
But all the guys from the animation team. I saw Crush in the morning, I wanted to say goodbye to him then, but he said he would come to the entrance when I leave. We decided on 2.30pm (I should get picked up at 3pm). He said he’s gonna bring the others.
After Crush left, I didn’t bump into anyone of the others. Once I was sat at the lobby I just knew. I knew I wouldn’t get to say goodbye, because… it’s just my life. I have never had the chance to say goodbye to anyone. Ever. Not if I liked them.
So I actually walked around the pool 3 times, because they usually stay there. Noone. At 2.59pm the driver came and my mom told me to get the fuck in the car. By then I was already crying like a baby. I sat in the car and looked back. I don’t know if it was real or not, but just when the driver started, I saw about 5 people coming up the reception. But it probably wasn’t them.

So I went away, no goodbye. No hugs. I was devastated. I had gotten to like these people so much by then, I really didn’t want to leave. As mentioned already, I cried. My eyes are all puffy by now. I didn’t talk to anyone for the rest of the day and I still don’t feel like talking. Nobody can understand this feeling inside of me. Who even gets to love people in the short amount of 2 weeks and wants to change their life, just because of this? Yeah, nobody, but me.

I don’t know why, but I need to get back. I know, they probably don’t care about me. I was just a girl on holidays. They will forget. They live on their beautiful life and I go back to normal, boring, daily life.
I don’t know about the Crush. I don’t know why the thought of not telling goodbye to him broke my heart. Maybe because I know I will not see him again. Maybe because I just wanted to tell him some things to his face, I didn’t have a chance before. You know, he was off work on Saturday. I found him on facebook and texted him “enjoy your day off, sweetie 😉 :*” by the time I realised what I had written, I was ashamed. But then I bumped into him in the evening and he said with the hugest smile “your message made my day!” I don’t think I have been this happy in a long time. I just totally didn’t expect this, as I had ‘just’ gotten a “thx :* :* :*” back from him. I didn’t expect him to be that happy about a message. It was also the evening I sang on karaoke for him (I hate singing in front of people!), because he asked me to a few days prior. Of course he wasn’t there and when the others told him, he was really upset and sad. He just has a really cute personality.
When I left the hotel, I just had to tell him the things I wanted to say to his face but didn’t get the chance. So I did. He hasn’t read it yet – not so keen on facebook I guess. Which makes it that much harder.

The thing about Lex: I woke up to noticing a hickey on my neck. That was kind of weird, because I was afraid someone would notice. But nobody said so. I had been thinking about our sex a lot after the 2 hours of sleep. And it made me giggle most of the time. So no, I do not regret it. It was fun. I don’t expect any thing of it and I guess that’s how ONS should work, right? I was even surprised when Crush said Lex can come to say goodbye (of course he didn’t).

So I did say goodbye to everyone of them. But it was in the middle of the night with saying “see you tomorrow”. Maybe it’s for the better. I have never been good in saying goodbye and letting go, so that’s probably how life tries to be good with me? Maybe saying “see you” is better than an actual goodbye? I don’t know, I never got to say it before.
The thought of never getting to see any of them again is killing me. I figured I might be able to go back at the end of October, it would be their last week.

So all of this. Is a huge deja-vu from when I returned to Australia. I really don’t feel like I’m home at all. I don’t want to be here. I don’t care about my family being here or my friends. Or the work I used to love so much. Right now  I really just don’t want any of it.

I think I will return to normal. Someday. It will take some time though. And the thing is: this happens almost every time I go abroad. So I got my itchy feet back on a horrible level. I even thought about cancelling my studies and go back. Who the fuck cares about my studies here? I want to get on an island and talk to people in different languages (actually, this was the most annoying thing to me yesterday: everybody talked in my mother tongue again and it freaked me out, because it made me missed all the different English accents I used to hear). And I know, apart from my mother nobody will care if I do so.

For now I will stay here for a few weeks. If it doesn’t get better, I will go. I don’t care about what my brother says anymore that I have to stay in this country because of my nephew. Because really? My heart doesn’t belong here. And although I could not be anymore born of this nationality, I don’t feel like it at all (and that’s what people told me on holidays as well).
It feels weird to know that everyone else’s life just goes on as if nothing had ever happened – well that’s because it hasn’t. And I’m sitting here, feeling like my life has just broken into a billion pieces and I don’t know how to put them back together.

Maybe my life will take a huge turn in these next couple of months. Maybe it won’t. But in the long run, I need to get the fuck away (and there’s a new target in sight now, so we’ll see).
For now I have planned to go to the tattoist and get one made for memories of these holidays. And yes, really, I am that stupid.

S, C, Lex, V, Crush, G, N, St. – you have taken my heart and kept it there. I love you guys, and I hope to some day see you again (the hope is tiny, but you know… life). Missing you.