This probably has been one of the hardest few days in a while.
I went to school yesterday, all red, bulgy eyed – so everybody could tell I had been crying all night. Which of course didn’t help, since the first person, who asked what was wrong, made me cry like a little baby.
I talked to Paraplegic a little in the morning, asking whether he had been able to sleep (of course not). Told him once more that I’d be there for him and he could message me any time – being super annoying. He told me that he appreciated it, but needed time alone, but that he would text me if he wanted to. He also said at one point that he thought it was nice of me worrying that much, to which I said “of course, that’s what you do when someone is close to your heart”. Didn’t hear back from him since then (yesterday around noon). I left him be, since he asked for it and said he would text. But it hasn’t been easy. I have been thinking of him constantly. And I don’t want him to think I don’t care or forget about him. So I checked in tonight. Asking how he was and offered him to go to the funeral with him if he wanted to (and also saying that I didn’t think he would want it, but that I still wanted to offer).
I dealt alright today
until now. But when I went to my acupuncturist yesterday, she of course could tell something was wrong. So I told her. I tried not to cry, but she’s known me through my worst times, so she knew I was holding back. She said a lot of things that helped me a lot. She told me that I had done everything I could, letting him know I was there and accepting his boundaries. And when I mentioned that I feared him leaving because of this, she said “I don’t think he’ll break it up. And even if it doesn’t work out, then it wasn’t meant to be at all, but not because of this!”, which is very true and I’m hanging onto these words. Deep down I know he’ll come around when he’s ready, but it’s hard to wait. It’s so hard. I am a patient person, but I can’t deal with someone being hurt that I care about. And I care about him a lot.
She also told me to take today off school, since I’m on my limits. Have been stressed since the end of July, been somewhat sick for a week and getting that message just sent me over the edge – so my inflammation showed up again. I know it is all psychical and I can get back to it. But also holding back tears all day long wasn’t good. So she told me to stay home and cry all day if I felt like it. So I indeed lay in bed all day long today, crying every now and then. She was right telling me that I was no use if I’d be in my weakest. I need to be strong for him now.
There was another thing she told me: “don’t make this about your relationship”. He cannot deal with any more emotions than his grieving right now. And I never intended to. I try not to think about our relationship and I mostly don’t. I think about him. Him getting better. Him grieving. Of course I am scared he doesn’t want me anymore, because he means so much to me, but this is a story on hold for now, and that’s totally okay.
Of course it is hard for me. I feel so disconnected to him and remembering that just a week ago we were laying in bed, giggling like teenagers, makes it that much harder. Experiencing how life can be cruel and change in a couple of days. How much can change in a short few minutes.
Of course it is hard, because I can’t even imagine him without a smile plastered on his face, because he is such a positive person and what I love about him. This probably is the hardest thing for me. Knowing he is so sad. I wish I could put it back on there, but I also know that he needs time to grieve.
And since he is so important to me, I will give him all the time he needs, no matter how hard it is. This may be in a few days, weeks or maybe even months. But he is special to me on a level I cannot describe… and even though I feel so disconnected to him right now, I know I can wait for him for as long as it takes.
Better times will come. I just need to wait it out. And be strong. Not text him all day. Leave him be. Leave him grieve. Leave him come back when he’s ready. Need to remember these things. We can make it through. I need to think positive.
But it’s so hard.