staying strong

This probably has been one of the hardest few days in a while.

I went to school yesterday, all red, bulgy eyed – so everybody could tell I had been crying all night. Which of course didn’t help, since the first person, who asked what was wrong, made me cry like a little baby.
I talked to Paraplegic a little in the morning, asking whether he had been able to sleep (of course not). Told him once more that I’d be there for him and he could message me any time – being super annoying. He told me that he appreciated it, but needed time alone, but that he would text me if he wanted to. He also said at one point that he thought it was nice of me worrying that much, to which I said “of course, that’s what you do when someone is close to your heart”. Didn’t hear back from him since then (yesterday around noon). I left him be, since he asked for it and said he would text. But it hasn’t been easy. I have been thinking of him constantly. And I don’t want him to think I don’t care or forget about him. So I checked in tonight. Asking how he was and offered him to go to the funeral with him if he wanted to (and also saying that I didn’t think he would want it, but that I still wanted to offer).

I dealt alright today until now. But when I went to my acupuncturist yesterday, she of course could tell something was wrong. So I told her. I tried not to cry, but she’s known me through my worst times, so she knew I was holding back. She said a lot of things that helped me a lot. She told me that I had done everything I could, letting him know I was there and accepting his boundaries. And when I mentioned that I feared him leaving because of this, she said “I don’t think he’ll break it up. And even if it doesn’t work out, then it wasn’t meant to be at all, but not because of this!”, which is very true and I’m hanging onto these words. Deep down I know he’ll come around when he’s ready, but it’s hard to wait. It’s so hard. I am a patient person, but I can’t deal with someone being hurt that I care about. And I care about him a lot.
She also told me to take today off school, since I’m on my limits. Have been stressed since the end of July, been somewhat sick for a week and getting that message just sent me over the edge – so my inflammation showed up again. I know it is all psychical and I can get back to it. But also holding back tears all day long wasn’t good. So she told me to stay home and cry all day if I felt like it. So I indeed lay in bed all day long today, crying every now and then. She was right telling me that I was no use if I’d be in my weakest. I need to be strong for him now.
There was another thing she told me: “don’t make this about your relationship”. He cannot deal with any more emotions than his grieving right now. And I never intended to. I try not to think about our relationship and I mostly don’t. I think about him. Him getting better. Him grieving. Of course I am scared he doesn’t want me anymore, because he means so much to me, but this is a story on hold for now, and that’s totally okay.

Of course it is hard for me. I feel so disconnected to him and remembering that just a week ago we were laying in bed, giggling like teenagers, makes it that much harder. Experiencing how life can be cruel and change in a couple of days. How much can change in a short few minutes.
Of course it is hard, because I can’t even imagine him without a smile plastered on his face, because he is such a positive person and what I love about him. This probably is the hardest thing for me. Knowing he is so sad. I wish I could put it back on there, but I also know that he needs time to grieve.
And since he is so important to me, I will give him all the time he needs, no matter how hard it is. This may be in a few days, weeks or maybe even months. But he is special to me on a level I cannot describe… and even though I feel so disconnected to him right now, I know I can wait for him for as long as it takes.

Better times will come. I just need to wait it out. And be strong. Not text him all day. Leave him be. Leave him grieve. Leave him come back when he’s ready. Need to remember these things. We can make it through. I need to think positive.
But it’s so hard.


Flirt abroad. Help!?

I have quite a problem on my hands guys.
As you might know, I am currently away on holidays abroad. I’m not sure if I have ever talked about that time I was on holidays a few years back (can’t be bothered to read back on my phone) and had a ONS (my one and only I must say), which I kind of regret up to this day. He was a lovely guy, don’t get me wrong and I did like him (and he did ask me to marry him afterwards). But I’m just not one for just having sex with someone I do not know.

Anyway. So I have been to the beach every day pretty much for the whole day so far and there is a bar to get drinks from. Right from the first day I noticed one guy, I found very cute – Chris. I did what I always do and just smiled at him whenever we would cross ways. He seemed very shy to me, which is unusual for a bartender as you might guess and which draw me towards him in the first place.

Today I wasn’t going for drinks for several hours and it crossed my mind to just go and see if he works. We happened to cross paths on the way. Later on he came to the beach and asked if I would join him at the bar and I thought why not? There’s no harm in just talking, right?…
As I sat at the bar (there were 2 bartenders, mind you) he asked me usual stuff and mixed some drinks for me. As you might know I’m not big on alcohol and told him so. He didn’t care much and gave me some mixed drinks and drank with me. I was fine with that, as he was still working and I could drink at my own pace (although he kept bugging me to drink), but I had a huge deja-vu, because on mentioned last holidays there was a guy getting me drunk to get into my pants… Gladly, my brain still worked just fine and I didn’t go down that path (as he wanted to have unprotected sex as well, which was the only hold back, because I was THAT drunk).
I started to not be so happy about Chris’ trying to get me drunk, but still was fine. The bartenders started to talk about me in their own language I do not understand. It didn’t take long for the other bartender (let’s call him Goldie) to start flirting with me. So after like 10 minutes of being there, Chris and Goldie were both hitting on me big time. People started looking at me whilst waiting for their drinks. After a while Goldie told me he could show me some dolphins on the beach this evening, which I knew was just to get me to the beach. Alone.
At least Chris was better and asked me out to a club. I declined either.

You know, I wouldn’t mind a little adventure and if Chris hadn’t bragged with me to his colleagues, I may have found a compromis to see him off his work somewhen in the evening, but somewhere close to other people. But now I just feel like an award they’re trying to win. And I know how I felt after my ONS last time, so I’m not really fond of going down that road again. But what shall I do? I do like Chris, he’s a cutie… but I don’t just want to be some fun and we all know that it is just that. At least I’m on holidays, what more is to expect?

We’ll see how this story ends, as I still have a week to go until I return home. I’m just confused, really. I do enjoy getting the attention, but do I really want to be just a doll? Or am I?

I’m lost!

Wow. Things seem to get weirder every day.

So Steve asked me for another date on Sunday and we settled for Monday (yesterday). He came to pick me up from work and we went to the lake and talked for a while (kissing and all). But it then started raining so we went back to have a coffee at Starbucks. He’s a person who gets bored VERY easily and that’s exactly what happened. But what could you do in a city where neither of you live and it’s raining? Yeah not too much to do. After about 20 minutes we decided to simply take my car and drive somewhere. So I got into the car and he told me where to drive and we ended up like 20 minutes away from his home (he lives a 1.5-hour-drive away from me)… We went to the lake again and he started kissing me and started “pushing”. Like, I KNEW what he wanted, he just didn’t say it out loud. After a while he asked me to go home with him, so he could drive me to work tomorrow morning. It was 10pm by then and I knew I had at least a 1 hour drive home. I also knew that I would NOT spend the night with him at my second date, because I don’t want to have sex with him yet. I did want to cuddle up all night with him, but I didn’t believe that he would let it be at that. Although he told me several times that he would not do anything I didn’t want. But as he was pushing so much, I didn’t feel too comfortable anymore, so I told him that I had to go home now. He was quite pissed – I could tell by his face, but in the end he apologized for how he’s behaved and went home by train. I got lost on my way home and ended up  being home at 12am.

I also apologized, because I felt bad for kissing him sooo much, but not letting him go any further. He said there’s nothing to apologize for. We had another talk today, because I felt really awkward about this evening. Like, I have no idea what that is what we’re having. I told him that I’m super confused.

Him: “What about? What it is between you and me or what?”

Me: “well, I don’t need to put a label onto this. I don’t know, I’m just not as open as other people when it comes to sex”

him: “I’m so sorry that I pushed you.”

Me: “It’s okay.. I was overwhelmed”

Him: “And that’s what I didn’t want. I don’t know. I don’t know what you want”

And neither do I boy, how would you know? Anyway, just how he keeps writing I think at least HE is falling for me. At least one of us is sure of what he’s doing.



The other problem I have: Kevin has texted me again, asking whether I would join him at the festival this weekend. I really really really want to go and meet him, but I feel like I’m cheating on Steve. Also I know that if we get drunk, we will kiss… which yeah. Like I’m not in a relationship with either of them, but I just feel like cheating on both of them. I like them both equally, it’s so weird. What should I do?

Also a schoolmate texted me yesterday, asking about my date so I told him I’m only gonna tell him if he doesn’t tell Bayne. Anyhoo, he said he won’t but that Bayne has asking me about the date on Friday. Whether I really went or what. I just feel super weird, because Bayne is asking my friends behind my back, which is so not like him. So I asked my schoolmate whether he thinks if he’s into me or what. But he doesn’t know either.