numbness

I really don’t know what I feel right now. When Stan left yesterday, I gave him a little booklet I made for him with all the things I love about him. I had started to write these pages about 2 weeks ago when things already weren’t that great, but also not as bad. I also gave him a little teddybear to cuddle whilst being away.
I went to bed very early yesterday, feeling like absolute shit. I had hoped I would wake up feeling better, this was not the case. All I do feel right now is numb. I don’t feel anything, I just do the things I am supposed to do, but I don’t feel sad or happy or relieved. I don’t feel any of the emotions I had when I broke up with Momo. Back then I felt relieved, because a lot of weight flew off. Now I don’t feel anything and that’s why I can’t decide what to do.

Stan texted me yesterday evening that he hadn’t completely read the booklet yet, but “honestly: yes, I did not expect what you wrote and I am positively surprised about it. I don’t know when you wrote these things, but I wish you could still say such things… and maybe I can. I love you.”
I wanted to give him that booklet for one reason only: He has been doubting my feelings a few weeks now. Last Saturday he said that I either don’t have any feelings left or am very good at hiding them away. That’s when I decided to give him that booklet no matter what, because I am not going to be told that I never loved him, because this is not true.

Yes, I do feel very numb and I do not know what to do. As I said before, violence is something I always told myself not to get involved in and leave the situation as soon as it presents itself. So why am I still here? A lovely reader has commented on what I would suggest someone who would be in my situation if it wasn’t me. And I have asked myself this question before and I know I would tell them to leave. So why can’t I?
I am not afraid of being alone again, no. But I’m probably scared that he really is the one. But do I want to be with someone so manipulative and abusive? No. I have been thinking about a friend who has been in a emotionally abusive relationship and that’s what crossed my mind last week. He is manipulating me with things he is saying and on Sunday I really realised this for the first time. He is saying sweet things to make me less angry. But that’s not working anymore. Yet, I do not know if I will give him another chance. I really don’t and I hope this feeling of numbness will soon subside.

numb

This last week or so I have been thinking a lot. I was in constant pain, and it’s usually the time when I best understand who can be my friend and who doesn’t. Pain is something, which will always be my “friend” during life and I cannot get rid of it, so I need friends who can deal with me when I’m in pain and I’m a literal bitch. Ken obviously can’t, which led to me getting even more unsure about this whole relationship.

I have also realised a lot in the last couple of days. I haven’t seen Ken in a while, at least not the way we’re used to. He was at my place on Thursday night when I didn’t talk to him more than saying hi, and he came over again on Sunday morning to bring breakfast and left again. Every other girl would freak out about the cuteness of it, but I was annoyed. I told him I wanted to be left alone on Sunday, so to chill out, as I had exams today and just wanted to relax a bit. I also didn’t hold him back when he left after 5 minutes again, I think he was mad about it. But I don’t know, I didn’t ask.
I also realised that I don’t like him to be here. i feel bad for my cats, who break my heart because I can’t cuddle them when he’s here. He gets jealous and he hates them. I literally miss my cats when he’s here, because I can’t sleep with them in my bed. That’s ridiculous?!

Today I didn’t talk to him for almost the entire day and I didn’t miss him. You guys all know the game “Sims” I guess?! I felt weird today, I was thinking about him and I felt like a character that knew it had to do certain things but didn’t feel like it. I felt like a puppet who had to reply to his text, but there were no feelings involved. Just like a Sim, who does the things I tell them to, you know?

I know that this is not a relationship I want. Whenever there are problems (which honestly is like 30-40% of the time), I ask myself why I’m even doing this. And I feel bad, because he really tries. He tried to cut down on the texting, yet he still visits me way too many times, because he misses me so much. I can’t really tell him, that I don’t, right?!
The rest of the time I’m happy, but it’s nothing like with Momo. I sometimes feel like, I just WANT it to function, but my feelings are still not present. Wednesday marks our 2 months-“anniversary” and I remember 2 times when I thought I might fall in love. But soon enough, reality made that feeling vanish again.

He’s given me another 2 songs on Sunday, which he’s written to me, but I didn’t feel the way I should have. It was cute, I liked them, I was touched. But I know I should have felt a lot more than that. I just realised with this week of pain, that I need more time for myself. He doesn’t let me breathe, and I have no idea how to tell him. I mean, even if I tell him I don’t have time or we should meet at the weekends, he will come over during the week as a surprise. I told him last week that I hate surprises, I really do. But he keeps doing it.
I have Thursday off, so I had planned to surprise him at work on Wednesday eve. Today I asked for his work plan, and he had changed things, so we could spent Wednesday and Thursday together. You might ask yourself, why I’m making such a deal of this, but it just freaks me out. I don’t want him to arrange things, when he doesn’t even ask me if I’m available. It’s those times when he gets angry, when I can’t read his fucking mind and do what he wants me to do. He’s so freaking complicated. It just leaves me breathless and I am not eager to do that for much longer, to be honest. I love his family, I like him.. but it’s so much work, which I don’t see the effort paying off. Not in a way I need it anyway.

I know, this is not how a relationship works, and I literally have no idea what I am doing here. I don’t know why I don’t break up with him, i don’t know why I stay with him either. I’m just kind of… numb.