numbness

I really don’t know what I feel right now. When Stan left yesterday, I gave him a little booklet I made for him with all the things I love about him. I had started to write these pages about 2 weeks ago when things already weren’t that great, but also not as bad. I also gave him a little teddybear to cuddle whilst being away.
I went to bed very early yesterday, feeling like absolute shit. I had hoped I would wake up feeling better, this was not the case. All I do feel right now is numb. I don’t feel anything, I just do the things I am supposed to do, but I don’t feel sad or happy or relieved. I don’t feel any of the emotions I had when I broke up with Momo. Back then I felt relieved, because a lot of weight flew off. Now I don’t feel anything and that’s why I can’t decide what to do.

Stan texted me yesterday evening that he hadn’t completely read the booklet yet, but “honestly: yes, I did not expect what you wrote and I am positively surprised about it. I don’t know when you wrote these things, but I wish you could still say such things… and maybe I can. I love you.”
I wanted to give him that booklet for one reason only: He has been doubting my feelings a few weeks now. Last Saturday he said that I either don’t have any feelings left or am very good at hiding them away. That’s when I decided to give him that booklet no matter what, because I am not going to be told that I never loved him, because this is not true.

Yes, I do feel very numb and I do not know what to do. As I said before, violence is something I always told myself not to get involved in and leave the situation as soon as it presents itself. So why am I still here? A lovely reader has commented on what I would suggest someone who would be in my situation if it wasn’t me. And I have asked myself this question before and I know I would tell them to leave. So why can’t I?
I am not afraid of being alone again, no. But I’m probably scared that he really is the one. But do I want to be with someone so manipulative and abusive? No. I have been thinking about a friend who has been in a emotionally abusive relationship and that’s what crossed my mind last week. He is manipulating me with things he is saying and on Sunday I really realised this for the first time. He is saying sweet things to make me less angry. But that’s not working anymore. Yet, I do not know if I will give him another chance. I really don’t and I hope this feeling of numbness will soon subside.