I think the hardest part for me apart from not talking to him in person, is when he doesn’t start any sort of conversation by text. I looked back on our texts and it was mostly me starting a conversation and if he did text me first that day, it was usually because he hadn’t replied to something the day before. He never has been a big communicator by text, so I know this is one of the reasons.. but still. At least he’s gotten back to his usual emojis. Didn’t realise how much it bothered me when he wouldn’t use a heart-kissy-emoji until I got them again.
The day before yesterday I had sent him a funny picture, he did reply… but then that was it. I left him be, but since I didn’t hear anything from him at all yesterday, I sent him the solution to some crosswords he usually does when he’s at work (he’s off on Monday’s and Friday’s). He did say thank you, but then again no more conversation.
One part of me wants to start up a conversation, because I don’t want him to drift away. Another part thinks that he should start one as well, if he’s interested in me. He shouldn’t feel obliged to talk to me, just because I start every conversation. Does that make any sense to you? Or is it just in my head again?!
I really don’t know what to do in these kind of times. Right now I have a lot to do for school, so it’s not that big of a deal. I’m stressed out anyway and am a ball of emotions, that easily bursts. And it’s not like I’m bored and thinking of him constantly. But once Wednesday is over, I know I will be in trouble again, because there’s nothing to get my mind off these things anymore.
I had hoped he would feel better by now, but then again it’s only been 2.5 weeks and it will take him much longer. I also don’t want to rush him or anything, since I know it takes a looong time to grieve and also he’s the one not allowing himself to feel bad – which just makes it worse in my opinion.
I probably will ask to see him again by the end of next week, even if it’s just for a couple of hours. I haven’t seen him in a month by then, when we met weekly before.
I do need some sort of reassurance he’s not pushing me away or at least just get a feeling how he’s treating me now – or if there are any emotions left towards me. Really, I have no idea if any of this makes sense, I’m all over the place.
Right now it does feel like he’s pushing me away. But I’m trying hard not to give into these bad thoughts, since I have no idea what is going on inside his head. I wish he would let me in, but I can’t force him into anything. But I told him I would wait and so I do.
Give me strength to do so.