still waiting…

I think the hardest part for me apart from not talking to him in person, is when he doesn’t start any sort of conversation by text. I looked back on our texts and it was mostly me starting a conversation and if he did text me first that day, it was usually because he hadn’t replied to something the day before. He never has been a big communicator by text, so I know this is one of the reasons.. but still. At least he’s gotten back to his usual emojis. Didn’t realise how much it bothered me when he wouldn’t use a heart-kissy-emoji until I got them again.

The day before yesterday I had sent him a funny picture, he did reply… but then that was it. I left him be, but since I didn’t hear anything from him at all yesterday, I sent him the solution to some crosswords he usually does when he’s at work (he’s off on Monday’s and Friday’s). He did say thank you, but then again no more conversation.
One part of me wants to start up a conversation, because I don’t want him to drift away. Another part thinks that he should start one as well, if he’s interested in me. He shouldn’t feel obliged to talk to me, just because I start every conversation. Does that make any sense to you? Or is it just in my head again?!
I really don’t know what to do in these kind of times. Right now I have a lot to do for school, so it’s not that big of a deal. I’m stressed out anyway and am a ball of emotions, that easily bursts. And it’s not like I’m bored and thinking of him constantly. But once Wednesday is over, I know I will be in trouble again, because there’s nothing to get my mind off these things anymore.

I had hoped he would feel better by now, but then again it’s only been 2.5 weeks and it will take him much longer. I also don’t want to rush him or anything, since I know it takes a looong time to grieve and also he’s the one not allowing himself to feel bad – which just makes it worse in my opinion.
I probably will ask to see him again by the end of next week, even if it’s just for a couple of hours. I haven’t seen him in a month by then, when we met weekly before.
I do need some sort of reassurance he’s not pushing me away or at least just get a feeling how he’s treating me now – or if there are any emotions left towards me. Really, I have no idea if any of this makes sense, I’m all over the place.

Right now it does feel like he’s pushing me away. But I’m trying hard not to give into these bad thoughts, since I have no idea what is going on inside his head. I wish he would let me in, but I can’t force him into anything. But I told him I would wait and so I do.

Give me strength to do so.


break-up? | part 2.

So I really wanted to take it back, but I couldn’t. I didn’t get an answer, so I went to bed (or at least I tried to sleep).
The next morning he asked me why I was worrying of pushing him away and I explained to him that I was used to people leaving whenever something wasn’t easy, but I didn’t expect him to be like that…

Then I got a message whilst being on my way to school:

I’m not planning on going anywhere. However I’m not sure if my current life situation is made to start a new long-lasting relationship…

This caught me off guard. Completely. If I hadn’t been out in the street, I probably would have started bawling my eyes out once more. I tried to keep it up, since I wasn’t sure how he meant it. But it did seem pretty obvious that he was not interested in ever getting together with me, right?! I felt my heart slowly breaking. Literally. My whole future seemed to shutter in front of me.

So I asked him what he meant. I mean, he can’t just say something like that out of the blue?! He texted me a little while after (it felt like 10 years):

I don’t really know either… I’m feeling weird.

I don’t know why, but this lifted a huge stone off my heart. I’m not sure I took it the right way, now that I’m reflecting, but I just figured he was feeling weird about the situation with his father and me lingering there like a little bug. I texted him back right away (and fortunately without thinking, because I just spoke my heart):
“You really needn’t think about us right now, for real. I’m not going anyway, no matter how long it takes you to get better again and I don’t expect to set a label on us in 1-2 months. Take your time, it’s important to me!”
To which I just got a “thanks” back. I added that if it wasn’t because he didn’t think we match, I would wait however long it takes him. I did not get an answer to that one. I’m not sure whether he doesn’t want to tell me that he’s not interested, or was just glad that I wanted to wait on him.

People have told me I’m stupid. It can take him a year to overcome this, but I don’t care. He is so special to me that I am willing to wait. And I am well aware it’s not gonna be easy. But I’m not leaving. Not as long as he still wants me there. Well, he doesn’t practically “want” me there, since I haven’t seen him in 2.5 weeks, but you know…
Also one girl said “I think it’s nice you wait, but don’t get your hopes up. You don’t know how he’ll come out of this grief, if he still wants what he wanted before his father passed away”. I never even thought of this, so it upset me. But then my feeling told me he was not going to just push me away. Not because of this at least.

I do think that he might have told me about the relationship, because he wanted me to have the option to leave. He knows how much it is bothering me, and I guess he’s trying to “save” me because he realises, that he can’t force himself to feel better. He always thinks of everyone else first.
Or maybe he simply isn’t interested. I can’t tell. But I’ll just trust my gut and wait for him as long as I can deal with it. Of course I am scared. It may turn out one way or the other. But I will be heartbroken anyway. If he leaves now or in 6 months, it doesn’t matter. I want him in my life and that’s all that matters for now.

However, I am not sure if it’ll work if we never meet. I do want to see him again, even if it’s just for a short amount of time… but until he’s ready, I won’t ask again. A good friend said I should wait another week and tell him about meeting again. Because I have a feeling he thinks of us meeting is like a sleepover. And I don’t need this at all. Of course I would love to spend a lot of time with him, but I don’t need it right now. I just need the connection. See how he’s dealing for real. I want to reconnect. Or at least see that he’s not interested anymore. I don’t know.

We’ll see.

On a whole other subject: he’s asked me several times if there was a baby in my tummy. I never thought much of it, until yesterday when I figured he might actually be worried I’ve gotten pregnant (since we didn’t protect – but I’m on my pill, so…). I told him I was sorry if he had actually worried and he said “why should I worry? P needs to be born somewhen!”.. so that confused me as well. Like, he told me in the morning to not get into a relationship and told me in the evening he wouldn’t mind me being pregnant?!

I don’t know. I really don’t. I’ll just have to wait this one out. Any suggestions, thoughts or whatever?! Would be very much appreciated!

disconnection | part 1.

I really don’t know why I update so irregularly. Well yes, I know, because I post on lyf when it’s acute when I need some support or opinions. This is more of an online diary with a few readers.. and I love to be able to read back on it, so I need to update here as well!

So. As I said in my last post I was somewhat upset with Paraplegic for him going out to drink, but not wanting to spend time with me. With some thought I realised that he probably didn’t want to be vulnerable in front of me, so it made sense for him to rather drink and forget about all of it for a little while instead of seeing me and probably being reminded of his father. I got over my sorry self.

The very next day he sent me a video of the fireworks, because I asked him to… he said he had filmed it just for me, so I couldn’t be mad any longer. But the situation was still very frustrating to me, since I missed him so much. Sunday we didn’t text much, and when I sent him a fun video of a stupid girl, he was mean and I sent him a “fuck you”-emoji. He didn’t reply all day through Monday either.
With everything going on, I knew I didn’t want this to be left like that, if it would be the last time I’d talked to him. So I explained to him that I have been feeling quite stressed lately and was taking things personally I shouldn’t and apologised. He then just said “well I know girls have mood swings, right?” He is always making fun of these things, so it was all good.

I wasn’t feeling good that evening (Monday). I felt off and just… I felt very disconnected to him, since he didn’t really talk to me and hadn’t sent a heart-kissing-emoji ever since his father died (apart from when he’d received my package). Yes, it’s ridiculous, but it’s the little things. I started crying. Big time. Everything was so overwhelming (my life is just going crazy right now, so it was all a bit too much). I felt like my hope was slowly fading away and when I tried to sleep – and I’ve gotten used to falling asleep by “calling” that feeling I get when I remember our dates… that feeling wouldn’t come. So another ugly-cry-episode started. I felt like I had lost him, without anything actually happening, just because I couldn’t recall that feeling. He was still talking to me and nothing had changed at all (like to the other few days, of course it’s changed since his father has passed away).

At some point I couldn’t hold it in any longer, although I was talking to so many people about it and try not to contact him, because he has been suffering more than enough… Well, I texted him.

I’m somehow worried about you. Don’t ask me for the exact reason and I know you don’t want or can’t talk about it and you need time, which is so understandable and okay… I’m sorry I always text you, I don’t want to stress you out, neither do I want to leave you be, but it’s hard to find something in the middle. I’m trying hard to hold back a little, but am thinking of you.

Already after I sent it off, I felt better. I didn’t want any reaction, I just needed him to know that I was worrying about him, even if I hadn’t shown him in a while. He said: “I will survive… And it means a lot to me that you are worrying so much about me… but you really needn’t. Concentrate on your exams instead, although you will pass them easily! 🙂 ” He is playing hard, when I know he really isn’t any good. But once more fascinating me, since I don’t remember telling him when my exams take place (which is next Tuesday). I just let him know again that I would be here for him. He told me that the same went for me.

I wanted to go to bed.  But there was still something nagging at me. So I texted him:

My only fear is, of me pushing you away… but it’s all good, thanks.

Once I sent it off, I regretted it. I didn’t want to bother him with my stupid ass thoughts, not in this moment at least.

Sorry this is getting long, so I’m splitting it up in 2 parts again…

coping methods

So something happened yesterday that has quite upset me and I am trying hard to keep believing in that feeling I described in my last post.

I hadn’t heard all day from him, which is nothing unusual. I texted him in the evening and he told me he was drunk (it was 9pm). Since I don’t have the best relationship to alcohol or anything that comes along with it, I wasn’t the happiest of course. But it didn’t bother me that he was drunk.

What did bother me however were two things:

  1. He was tipsy last Thursday as well (or so I thought, he declined it but I am not sure whether to believe it or not). So of course I am worried about him. Since the death of his father has only been 1.5 weeks ago, it didn’t seem like a good coping method to me. I’ve had too many booze-filled evenings to know, that you feel even worse the next morning. It may help while it lasts, but it throws you way back afterwards.
    He is old enough to decide whether he is getting drunk, and the way he talked to me last week, I guess he just wanted to forget for a few hours. I’m just not sure if that is the best method to do so. But what can I do?!
  2. He told me on Friday that he still isn’t himself and therefore doesn’t want to see me yet. So of course it upsets me that he doesn’t want to see me, but is okay with going out for drinks and get drunk. Why doesn’t he want to spend time with me? It’s not like I judge him for being sad. I guess – and here that feeling comes in – he doesn’t want to be vulnerable in front of me. Which is totally understandable in the concept of us only dating for a month, but I just wish he could be. I wish he’d understood that I am here for him no matter how he deals with it and he needn’t be the strong one. But I guess it’s too early. And yes, it makes me sad, that he can’t open up with me. I’m asking myself what I did wrong, why he can’t trust me…

Overall I guess I am just disappointed that he choses the alcohol over me. Yes, he would have been out anyway, since he had to do some fireworks (he does that as a hobby), but.. I don’t know. It just hurts.
And it’s very hard for me to be upset with him, when I know it’s about the death of his father. Like, I don’t want to bother him any more than he already is and therefore I’m not gonna tell him anything. It’s just… well I don’t know how to describe. I just feel let down somehow.

At least this makes me not want to talk to him right now and therefore he gets the peace he wanted.

that feeling

I had somewhat of a tiny breakdown again last night. But let’s start from the beginning.

As I’ve mentioned in several posts before, I really didn’t want to stress him out by asking to meet up again. I just had a bad feeling about asking him, because I wanted him to do the timing. However, over the last few days I started to get really worried. As I’ve said before, the longer I don’t see him, the more my self-conciousness kicks in and I start to worry about losing him. I still always have that feeling, the positive one, where I actually know he’s not leaving. But since this is a whole new experience for me, I still can’t fully listen to that feeling or depend on it. I’ve never had my heart or mind or whatever it is, tell me to calm down because everything is going to be alright. Yes, I’ve always been a worrier, but I’ve never had another voice telling me how he actually feels. I don’t know how to describe, it is so new to me.

So, I knew he would ask once he is ready to meet. However… I have told him a few times this week, just letting him know that I’d like to see him again. He never really acknowledged it. Last night I feared he would have the time, but me not asking would ruin things. So I simply asked him whether we could see each other before that year of “abstinence”. As I said, there was in no way a feeling of him ghosting or not wanting to date me anymore – yet my mind started to play tricks on me.
Later I got the following reply: “Of course we will see each other soon again. I just still don’t feel like myself, but it’s getting better.”

I started crying. I started fucking crying. Not just because I knew I wouldn’t see him for another while and I was already missing him so much. But because I felt so awful about asking him and stressing him out, when I knew very well he was not over the death of his father – the feeling had told me, so why the fuck did I not listen to it?! Of course he was not over his grief!
So that’s exactly what I told him, that I was sorry for asking and stressing him out, and I didn’t want him to think I expect him to be back to normal. He told me that I was not being stressful at all, he just wanted to let me know about his emotions and life had to go on.
To which I replied: “Sure, but that doesn’t mean you can’t take your time. And you surely have other things on mind than me.”
Him: You don’t know about that…
Me: No, I don’t, but I’m guessing so
Him: Wrong

That was very unexpected and I stopped crying immediately. How could someone, who just lost his father, still be thinking about me? So once more that feeling got encouraged. Everything was going to be fine, I just needed to be patient.

It’s still hard for me to see him this way. I knew he wasn’t allowing his emotions to slip too much, but then again he’s a man. He’s not keen on big words. And I could’ve slapped myself, because I haven’t asked him in so long how he was doing. So I did just that. He said it was hard to describe but he felt pretty empty, which for me is the hardest thing to deal with. How can you help someone that feels empty? I don’t know. I know the feeling, but I can’t tell what helps me.
I just said I was hugging him in thoughts and he replied “you’re welcome to do so in real life soon!”

After all of that I let him know to just tell me when he’s ready, so I would not ask again and he can manage the timing. Therefore I will be calm, since I know he’ll let me know at some point.
Of course it’s hard to not have seen him in so long (it’s been 2 weeks now), but I understand that he needs the time. And I still do think that if we manage to get through this together, we can do a lot more. I mean, I am not being very helpful at the moment, I just hope he sees that I am here for him and am accepting his boundaries and everything. Now just being patient for our next date. And trying to listen to that feeling more often.

the package and his reaction

This is gonna be a short post, since I am super tired. Well, whenever I say this they end up super long, so I am going to apologise beforehand if I am not holding this to be true.

Wow. How did I not post anything the last 4 days, since I was going crazy all the time?!
I did feel a lot better after I had received his text message about the funeral. I only realised later on that one big fear of mine was him being distant because of me. Of course my rational brain knew it was about the death of his father, but y’all know. So knowing he was declining the offer because of the whole situation was helping me. And I also realised that it would have been bad for me as well: getting to know his family on a funeral. Worst possible moment ever, right?

Well the very next day we went back to how things were before. Texting very sporadically. I left him be for the time being, tbut replying whenever he was in a somewhat talkative mood. We did text quite a lot on Sunday night and he was back to almost normal. He also said that it means a lot to him that I am worrying about him. On Monday he was back to distant, which was expected since the funeral took place that day. I wanted to leave him be, and just asked him in the evening how he was dealing. We texted a bit.

All the while from Tuesday on I was wondering when he would get the package. I knew there was a high chance he would only get it on Friday or Saturday because of the post office hours. And I didn’t want to see him before he had received it, simply because it would feel awkward to me. So we texted on and off, just like we used to.
My friends however started to get annoyed by my constant blabbering about how much I missed him and wanted to see them. By some point they told me to just ask, but it felt wrong to me. I wanted him to manage the timing. Maybe he needed some time off, maybe he wanted to be with his family. I didn’t want to be another problem to him.

Tonight he texted me: “You shouldn’t have sent me anything… now I feel even more guilty. Thank you so much!”
So I knew he had gotten the package. I told him that it was a pleasure to do so and he shouldn’t feel any remorse. Him “I don’t know. I don’t deserve this!” I really didn’t know where this self-conciousness came from so I said that of course he deserves this. Then he told me not to spend money on him when I earn that little. I told him that I prioritise the little money I have and am very happy to spend it on him and that I hope he was happy about the gifts.
Him: “Yes, very much so. The plush toy will sleep in my bed with me forever from now on!”

This was very cute. I wasn’t sure he would be happy about it, although.. yes I knew, but I still was scared of his reaction. I then said that I did want to cuddle him again at some point, to which he said “we said in a year, right?!” (we had a conversation today when he said we could only have sex once a year, so I asked if he would text me again in 50 weeks).
So there’s that. I’m not gonna “ask” again… I will leave him the time, even though it is very hard for me to wait, since I get sooo self-concious when I don’t see him for any length of time and it has been 10 days already. Not sure if I can do another 1-2 weeks. I’m just glad I have a lot to do for school, so I can get my mind off things for a few hours a day at least.

Yes I am a little bit more calmed again, but still.. since he is so nice and he seems like such a perfect person, I just really want him in my life.. and that makes it that much harder for me to be patient. I always rush things and I am trying to hold back so much! So. I can do it! We’ll see how this continues…


That one time with a teacher…

So this is going to be completely off topic (as in nothing to do with Paraplegic), but I need to remember this forever (or at least be able to read back on it):

This is going to sound much weirder than it actually is, trust me on this!
As many of you may know, I am still at school. For the last 3 years I’ve had a thing with one of the teachers. We always teased each other and it got worse with each year. This is nothing sexual, just to be clear (he’s gay and I’ve known since the beginning).
I always wondered why he was hitting on me – of all people in my class, I am quite the shy one in the beginning. Adding into that – obviously – he’s interested in guys, so why was he hitting on me in front of everyone? Of course at first I thought I was just imagining things, but when people started asking what was going on between us, I knew something was up.
A few weeks ago I started teasing back and just… I joined the game. And this got big time, as in last week he was touching me all the time (of course referring to the subject of the lesson) and me acting like I was grossed out and stuff… Sadly enough, last week was also the last time he had to teach our class forever.

Fast forward: Today I talked to a co-worker. She used to teach at the same school and bumped into said teacher the other day. Somehow (don’t ask me why) they came to speak of me. Here’s the thing. She told me that she had heard I was very good at school and I asked her where she knew that from (since she has no insight in my marks). She told me that she had bumped into teacher at a wedding and they came to speak of me.

She said: “He’s intimidated by your intelligence. He told me that you are SO intelligent. He does like you!”
What? What did just happen? This is so absurd to me and yet so funny. I mean, of course we like each other or we wouldn’t have had so much fun teasing whilst everyone was listening/watching… but him telling someone I know that he thinks I am intelligent? I never even thought he remembered my name! I knew that he knew who I was, since he also teased when we weren’t in a lesson. But he never remembered my name in classes. I’m also asking myself why he thought I was intelligent, since I wasn’t the most active person in his classes to be smart or anything…?

Since he is somewhat of an idol for me (just because of his way of thinking and the things he does) this is the hugest compliment for me. And he’s super intelligent so this is really… wow. I don’t even know what to say about it.

It just completely blew me.