back from Dubai!

I’m back from holidays. Have been for a while, but since I caught the flu on Tuesday and have been in bed ever since, I wasn’t in the mood to write. Still am not, but gotta update this page on a few things.

I had such a good time in Dubai! I mostly forgot about P and really was happy for the first time in a while without any worries. I needn’t worry whether he had texted or how he meant what he wrote, because I simply couldn’t see if he texted me at all. That took the edge completely off. I needn’t worry about anything.

I did not end up texting him before my flight took off when I left on the 22nd (because I accidentally bumped into Ken at the airport, which is a whole other story in itself *lol*), so we had been on non-contact since 3 days, because he simply didn’t text me anymore. Nothing new here. When I returned last week, I got a few messages of him he sent me on the 23rd (although he knew I’d left the day before). He wished me a nice holiday and “don’t go too wild ^^ like, without me…
I found this funny, just the way he worded that. So when I returned a week later I told him I was back and that I’ve had a nice week. We texted a bit (him mainly telling me that it’s normal to get proposed to down there – which is true). I sent him a picture to which he didn’t say much, so I let him be and went abroad once more (although I had internet there).

Then was my birthday on Tuesday. I didn’t hear from him for 3 days (until I texted him again). I did not expect him to remember my birthday, since I only told him once. It would have been cute, but I wasn’t mad at him for that. Once again the conversation didn’t flow too long.
I texted him AGAIN the day after. We texted a little and I wanted test our ground. I wasn’t able to tell how he was feeling towards us, so I said “so could you stop thinking of me, since I can’t stop sneezing for 3 days…?!” (being playful and all) to which he replied “maybe it’s a guy from your holidays, not me 😅” – now that I read it again, he might not have meant it the way I took it, but I’m not sure.
That definitely wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but was pretty straight forward telling me he was not thinking about me, I guess. I just said “well that has been pretty clear, good night then”. I was pissed. Really pissed. He just asked whether I was tired already and sent that emoji: 🙈. I replied “no”. For me it sounded like he hadn’t been thinking about me, but now a few days later, maybe he suggested it could be someone else apart from him?! I don’t know.
Did not get anything back and knew I would not get anything at all. So I went to sleep.

The next day I texted him again (will I ever learn?). We had a brief conversation. He kept it up. Sent me videos of his fireworks he was doing. We talked about my phobia. He told me I should come along once he does one, so I can face my fears – I didn’t react to it, since I knew he wasn’t serious about it. This time I was the one not to reply to his emojis, there was no need to.
I asked myself whether he was talking like that to all the girls. I really can’t tell and therefore have no idea where I stand.

So, what do I make of this? I don’t know. I have mostly given up on the hope of us working out. I’m glad I could gain some distance whilst being abroad. I have not gotten any sort of affection from him whatsoever since I’ve been back. I was devastated on Thursday, but then I realised that it was okay. I knew beforehand that this would happen. The more distance we put between us, the worse it’ll get. And it’s okay. I will have him as a friend for now and if he ever decides he wants to see me again or take a step forward, then I am very happy to be here. But I can’t just wait on him, and do all the work of keeping the contact. It is a loss of course, I remember how perfect everything felt to me… but if he doesn’t share this opinion, there’s no need to pursue a relationship on my behalf. Maybe the timing was wrong, maybe we simply weren’t meant to be. Or maybe he just needs some more time.
I’ll “move on”. Keep him in my life as a friend for now and see where things are leading.

 

On a whole other level: my exboyfriend turned up again. Nope, not Alan. One that has been long before I started that blog (I had my first real kiss with him when I was 14, so you see). He always remembers my birthday ever since we’ve known each other, which is cute. It’s usually around these times we talk, but then the contact decreases again. For some reason he invited himself over to my place and he’ll be around in 3 weeks. It’s weird, but I’m somewhat excited to see him again (it’s been 6 years since I last seen him).
Also Kenny is back. On my behalf. I had been thinking of him lately and I figured I could just text him (mainly about the sneezing part, because he was the one starting that game). Who knows what all of this will bring – I am not interested in dating, don’t get me wrong. It would feel so bad for me, since my heart still lays with P although I don’t want to. But there’s no harm in getting attention somewhere else, right?

Plus my encounter with Ken. I was waiting with a friend to check in, when someone called my last name. I got really anxious, because I thought I had done something wrong until I looked at the person that called and recognised Ken. He found it very funny that I was so shocked and we had a short banter. It was nice to see him and took off some of the anxiety I had been experiencing (always do on airports).

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holidays

I didn’t want to make a post, but then I figured, you guys will not hear from me in 2 weeks, so why not one last update before I leave for holidays tomorrow?

The last few days it has been on my part again to start the conversation. He does show interest, but he’s not keeping it up constantly, which is totally fine.
After he’d sent me a really cute picture last Wednesday, I sent one back on Thursday – figuring I could be mean as well. Although I did not know if it would have the same effect on him – I doubt it. I didn’t hear anything for the longest time and then got a “thanks 🙂 “… well that was a disappointment. I had hoped to get something… anything.

The conversation then led to me going away. He didn’t know how long I’d be away, so I told him when he asked. He did say “and what am I gonna do without you?”, which would have been cute if I hadn’t known it was not a flirt-try. I just said ‘the same thing like the last few weeks’ and he simply said “no” and didn’t answer when I asked what he was planning to do then.
I woke up around midnight after that and got mad when he hadn’t replied and said “party party, finally she’s gone”, he found this funny and said he wouldn’t do that because he was too old to party (since when?!). So I asked again what he was planning to do without me and he said “sleep”… I didn’t understand, because it’s not like he couldn’t sleep because I held him awake with phone calls or anything. I did ask again, but didn’t get an answer apart from “I can always sleep”, but no answer to what he’d do when I’m away or what he meant in the first place.

Last night I went out with the girls from class.. I got really upset by the evening, since everyone was drunk apart from me and I texted him. He was somewhat chatty again, but then all of a sudden stopped any sort of conversation since then. I didn’t text him again so far. Don’t know if I will before I leave tomorrow. He knows I leave, so it should be his part, right?!

However. I went to our first dating place today. It was… weird. At first I got all nervous before I got there, but once I stood there, I got calm and felt at peace. I just sat there for a while, enjoying the sun, the sound, the wind, just everything. I remembered things that I had forgotten about our first date. I realised how much of the scenery I did not take in, because I was so fixed upon P back then. But when I realised that I could not sit there forever, I got all sad. I did not want to leave, because to me it felt like leaving him behind. Leaving that last chance to find back together behind. Remembering also made me hope for reliving them at some later time and place.

I am terrified of what may come whilst I’m away. I know that some distance will do us good – especially him. He wants to get away, and that’s what he gets now. I wish he would find back to me though, that he misses me or rather us. I know his emotions are still there, but he just hides them and pushes them away whenever they turn up. I don’t know if I will ever see him again, I do not want to give up and driving away from our dating place made me realise more than ever. I can’t just give up. It hurt so much to give up on a idea of us somewhen being together. I hope he’ll keep his promise to meet up. I hope once we stand in front of each other, our spark will be “relit”. But not seeing each other for even longer isn’t exactly helping the chances of me to get him back to me.

I just hope the distance will help us and not bring us even farther apart.
But we will see.

no more dates…

My brain is like Swiss cheese, I keep forgetting what I last told you guys, so sorry for any reappearances.

He texted me on Saturday without me starting a conversation, which surprised me. However I didn’t hear back from him until Tuesday (we just chatted very shortly at Saturday night since we both were busy), and I started to get worried by then. I know he’s not one to text a lot, yet I think I am allowed to think he can text me every other day, right? Funnily enough he replied right away when I asked him Tuesday morning whether he had found his way back home or had been kidnapped (it’s always like this, me texting – him replying instantly even though there had been a radio silence of a few days).
I let him feel that I was pissed off, saying that I thought I would just ask, not so I take something personal that I shouldn’t. I know he got it, since he didn’t reply anymore.

I texted him that evening again, telling him that I was close to his town this coming Saturday, so if he was willing to meet and had the time, he would be welcome to come as well. I sent him quite the long text, and he did reply to everything except the date suggestion. So I figured that was a “no”. I wasn’t exactly mad or disappointed, because I had expected this… but still, I had hoped I could see him before I go abroad for 2 weeks and it would be at least 2 months since we’ve last seen each other. I lost just yet another little hope.
In his reply he also told me once more that he was out, and I was somewhat pissed (since I also was suffering from the worst headache that evening), that I was wishing him fun and didn’t want to disrupt anything. He asked who was saying that I was bothering him and I said “me”. To this he said “well, YOU have no idea!” and I just told him that he wasn’t exactly making it easy to know what he was thinking. He then got all serious, saying that he knows and apologising. Then I also got the answer about Saturday without asking again or even mentioning his lack of answer: He was already busy. I just said it was okay, because it really was. I know how busy he is on the weekends, and did half-expect him to not be free that weekend.
He then sent me a really cute picture of himself, which made me miss him even more. So I told him he was not exactly making this any easier for me with that. To which he simply stated: “we will meet again soon, I promise…” I then felt bad for saying these things, and told him I really didn’t want to stress him out and just wanted to let him know I was close to his town. He said again that I was not stressing him out with it. Same old story.

All of this was okay for me then. I knew we would see each other eventually. But still, I am somewhat scared of what will happen whilst I’m away. Either he will realise that he actually misses me (since I don’t know whether I’ll be online or not) or he will realise that he really does not have any feelings left, because he doesn’t miss me at all.
And I have realised that I just need some sort of reassurance every week or so, as not to lose my hope in seeing and dating him again. And I don’t want to be all dramatic all the time, I wish he could just give it to me in other ways… but I guess not.

For me it’s hard, because I know his feelings would resurface once we see each other (I am pretty sure of that, I don’t know why), but this is his easy way out. I understand that he doesn’t want to make his situation any harder, since he already doesn’t want a relationship – or isn’t sure about wanting one. But ignoring his feelings by letting them vanish because you don’t see a certain person,… it’s just wrong for me. But then I’m not in his situation.

I don’t know. I’m just trying to stay positive, which becomes harder with each “postponing” and just him telling me how insecure he is about this situation. Although he keeps saying it’s not about me. I don’t know. But I just try to think, that in a few months he might think differently and I need to stick around until then, letting him know how awesome I am 😀

By the way, someone sent me a really nice confidence speech (pep-talk) today which I wanted to share with you guys: http://www.howtogettheguy.com/core-confidence-ty/

Until then… (not sure there will be a post before I leave.. and since I might not have internet on holidays, I may see you guys in 3 weeks time! Byeeee)

liar?!

Honestly. Sometimes I hate people. As I’ve told you guys many times before, I post on lyf several times a day. There are very nice people on there, helping you at any time of the day, which is perfect. Especially for my very low days when I feel depressed and think about self-harming.

But.

There are also a lot of very close-minded people. Let me state an example:
I posted last night, that P had been drunk again. He texted me at 11pm saying that he was getting drunk. I didn’t know how to feel about it, so I wrote a post. He had said in the beginning of our “relationship” that he was not a big drinker himself (since I don’t drink), but he has been drunk 3 times (the ones I know of) since we last saw each other (5 weeks). It’s reasonable really, he was on parties and what not. He is now on a trip abroad, and it’s totally fine to drink. It’s not like I never drink, sometimes I get drunk myself without any reason. But it was making me feel weird nonetheless (or should I say worried?). On the other side he thought of me even in that state, which is saying something as well, right?!

So I posted exactly about this situation and that I was wondering, whether it might be a reason he does not want to date me no more (although he never said so! I was right back into the negative thoughts then – am better again now), because I’m not a very outgoing person. One girl commented on “maybe he lied to you and he is a drinker? You can always just have one or two beers to be happy and not wasted!” This really upset me for several reasons: Who is she to judge someone she doesn’t even know? I get it, she was lied to and doesn’t trust people. But so have I. I mean my mom has been lying to me for the last 16 years, I do have trust issues myself. I get it. But you can’t just reflect the behaviour of some people onto others, that have never gave you any reason to mistrust them!
If someone is as straight-forward as P has been so far, I do not believe he’s lying to me. He wouldn’t have said half the things he did, because he knew I didn’t want to hear them. Someone like that doesn’t lie about these things. And he didn’t even say he doesn’t drink! He just said he was not a big drinker. Maybe he’s having a period of time he drinks more. Even I do have these times. Of course it got me musing whether it was a reason why he didn’t like me (which obviously is wrong as well, since he stated he does like me indeed). But that’s just bullshit and I need to find back into the right mindset I got these last few days.

As for an update about the last few days. I have found my fighting-spirit. He may have not replied with a “let’s meet then and then”, and I knew he wouldn’t. He just replied with our “one year abstinence”-joke, as not to have to reply to my question. But I knew he would.
But as I said, I then realised, why just wait for him without doing things?! I need to let him know what he’s missing out on. Because I know we do match, he just doesn’t allow his feelings right now. So when I went out for dinner on Thursday and was feeling cute, I took a picture and sent it to him (I never did before, I’m not keen on taking selfies). To that I got a heart-eye-shaped emoji, which he doesn’t often use. I also dreamt of him that night (he was the topic of the evening, so I was intensively thinking about our situation). I told him about the dream: I saw him next to a swimming pool and ignored him, since I knew he didn’t want to see me. He just said that it’s my way to cope with what is “occupying” me on the day. He knows I think about it a lot. But he didn’t suggest a meeting. And I have a strong feeling I won’t see him before I leave for holidays in a week. Which is okay.

Yesterday was the first time we texted again like we used to. A lot of funny chattering, he kept the conversation up, when it came to a stall and so on. I then said “I need to tell you something”, which has been on my mind a lot, but I knew it was stupid to tell him. When I didn’t text straight away he was like “you hate me?”… you know, he is thinking about us and I think he’s scared I’ll walk away. Of course that’s once again just reading a lot into things that are not actually there… but there are little signs that tell me he does care about me. More than he wants to.
I then told him about how we could meet as friends, since I have a cold sore and therefore wasn’t allowed to kiss him anyway. He didn’t say much to it (apart from “euwww, I’ve never had a cold sore before!”). He also stated that’s what ‘you get from putting your tongue into everything’. I know he wasn’t trying to be mean,  but he always is pointing towards me kissing and sleeping with everyone, has been right from the beginning. I know there’s some jealousy speaking from within him, so I just said “well, I know by now that you’re not thinking very well of me!” He said that this was not true, to which I didn’t reply anymore. I was mad. I wanted him to know what it feels like to not be replied to when it’s important to solve things. But it’s just not me, so last night I told him to enjoy the weekend abroad.

Once more, he could’ve simply said “thanks” and the conversation would be over, like it had been so many times over the last few weeks. But he asked what I currently was doing. That’s how he told me that he was out drinking. I didn’t say anything about it, just stating that I was going away this weekend as well (since he obviously thinks I sit at home to mourn him).
If he needs to be treated like this, so he realises what he’s losing: so be it. I know that if we see each other, he has to open up again, and I think that is one main reason he doesn’t want to see me. He’s afraid of his feelings – or he knows about them, and is not ready to deal with them I guess. But I can let him know without seeing him. And as I’m sure my friends I’m going on holidays with, will take a LOT of pictures and putting them on facebook, he’ll see I can have fun without him as well. I’m not the lonely, sad girl sitting at home every weekend at all.

This is so not me. I am not one to make someone feel “bad” (it’s not actually bad, right?), to make them realise things. But it seems like it is working on him, since he has been much more talkative the last few days –  or our conversation from Tuesday has done that. I don’t know.
Like, after I sent that picture of myself and I got his response, I didn’t reply all day. Maybe my non-availabilty is making him understand. I do not know. It could also go very wrong, I am well aware of that. But we’ll see. As always.

Until next time…

lesson learnt!

I had a lesson to learn yesterday.
As I’ve mentioned several times before, I am posting on lyf on a regular. So when I was going downwards after receiving P’s latest messages, I asked for advice. What I did not consider, was that these people do not know me or my story. They all told me to move on, which of course sent me into the most depressed state. I cried all evening on Tuesday and Wednesday morning. I couldn’t even drive to my acupuncturist without crying, because everything just reminded me of him and that I would never get him back again. They actually got me as far as not to trust my gut feeling anymore. Not trust what we had. And just move on. I was hurt. Very hurt.

After an hour of lying there and having a lot of time to think about it, I started to realise that I really needed an answer as to why he thought we didn’t match. So I texted him once I was home.

Later on my school friend texted me about a dream and I started talking to her about what P had said. She’s known me for the last 3 years and we have a lot in common when it comes to our point of view on life and love. Although I do not share what she’s done to her ex-boyfriend (she cheated on him with his best friend), she can actually imagine my situation, as her now-boyfriend was very closed off as well at first. I was able to help her back then, because he’s a lot like me when it comes to letting people close.
She told me that he probably is just overthinking things and not actually saying we don’t match. He doesn’t want to hurt me, because he’s unsure about us and therefore doesn’t want me to end up hurt, because he can’t trust we would work out. Like there’s not a security that we end up together and therefore he tries to push me away, so I don’t get hurt (does that even make sense?). It all made sense and I got my hope back. I’ve never lost my gut feeling, even when I felt SO bad about the situation the last few days – but I did ignore it, for everyone told me to move on. And this is when I realised that strangers cannot help me with this. Yes, they may have showed me a different view, but they’ll never know what I want in life and what I am able to get through.
Also my friend pointed out that most people nowadays just don’t want to wait or fight for something, that may never come. They rather stop now, than get more hurt farther down the road. But she’s right. I can take the chance of getting even more hurt, but I also get the chance of ending up happy with him. Isn’t it worth it? Of course it is. Because I have that feeling about him, I will not simply give up. Even if it takes a year. As long as I have this feeling, I cannot and will not give up.

Now back to that message I sent him: “I’m sorry to bother you again and I promise I will not annoy you after that, but I can’t stop thinking about something. You obviously think that we do not match or we cannot end up together – or that’s what I’ve read into your message…  why are you feeling this way, if I may ask?
First of all I got a “you’re not annoying me at all, I like it when you text me. But gotta work at some point 😉 when did I say that we don’t match?

So. No I did not get any answer. I told him that he has not actually written it, but he did continuously say that he’s not sure if we could end up together. He didn’t say anything to that anymore. A few hours later I just said “so when are we meeting then? 😛 ”
He has not replied. I did not expect him to. I will wait. But he probably will just send a funny text and not reply to this. It’s his way of communication. And that’s fine. He’ll be ready when he is.

I know that for most people this may not be enough. He did not reply to my message, he did not deny it, but he also didn’t confirm my thoughts. It was his way to say that I need to stop interpreting things into what he’s written (like he’s done so many times before). And that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m trying not to misread his lack of communication or what he did NOT write. For me this latest message said, that he does not think we don’t match. There may be another problem, but for now I’m not thinking about it. I’ll just take it day by day. Hoping we’ll meet again soon, so we can see how he and I feel about each other. Like my friend said: once we spend time together, he will remember how he feels. He was the one to always tell me how much he enjoyed our time. So I guess feelings are there, they just need to be lit up again. I don’t think they’ve just vanished over the last 5 weeks, but that he’s been busy with other thoughts and emotions.

We’ll see.

torn

I’m not good. I’m really not.

I wish I could put anything that is going through my mind into words, but my mind is going at 140mph and it’s tiring. I just want to shut my emotions off. Shut my brain off. Concentrate on other things. But I need to talk about it and I know it.

I can’t recall what I wrote in my last post and I don’t want to reread for obvious reasons. Reading through the conversation has upset me so much last night. I woke up this morning, and looked like I’ve had an allergic reaction. My face is all puffy from all the crying.
The worst thing for me probably is, that I was so sure of this. Of us. And realising that he didn’t feel like that at all has hurt me the most. I wish he would understand. But I guess I just overwhelmed him with my feelings and I never wanted to do so. I didn’t want to put any more pressure on him. But I also have realised that this situation probably isn’t about his father anymore. That something else wasn’t sitting right with him. But then that’s just what I read in between the lines. And I wanted to stop doing that and therefore stopped rereading that conversation over and over again.

There’s not much I can do apart from accepting what he’s said. I will try to not text him anymore on my part and leave him the space he obviously wants. What is making it so hard though, is that my gut feeling is still here. I woke up this morning, “knowing” he would text me today. But I don’t want to allow that feeling anymore, because it has proven to be wrong all along and I don’t want to get any more hopes up and get disappointed.
I still have that feeling, that he has not completely given up on us, but probably is irrationally thinking this through not allowing his emotions to play any part – or maybe his emotions have vanished over that month we didn’t see each other. Or maybe he can’t allow them because of his grief. I do not know. But there’s also a (brain) thought of mine, that there’s something else that makes him say those things. That maybe he didn’t think we would match before all of this even happened. I wish I could ask him, but I’m not sure whether he would tell me. To me it seems like he tried to let me down gently yesterday. But then again he was honest, he did tell me what was going on – even when he didn’t really know what exactly that was. I don’t know. I’m so torn between what I read, what I interpret and what I feel.

Maybe some distance will help. It definitely won’t help me, but maybe he needs to clear his mind. But then again, he’s done so for the last month. He went out and did things, without thinking of me… so does he really need distance? Probably not.
And I know people are telling me that it’s his loss and he will regret not giving it a go. But I can’t think like that. For me it feels like it is MY loss, simply because he actually felt like my one. I cannot explain this, but that feeling has never been as strong as it has been with him, and for it to be proven wrong is very very depressing. I’m not sure how to get over this, if I’m being honest. I was even thinking about going back to a psychologist, but that’s ridiculous. I can’t just go there because of a heartbreak. What can she do? Nobody can mend my heart apart from time.

I just need him to text me. It’s what would help me right now, but I know he won’t. I know he doesn’t want to deal with this or me right now. And I know I need to move on.

But I can’t.

Help.

This will be my last post about P (probably not).

When I recorded that voice message last night, I knew very well that I would not be able to handle a “no” from him. I knew what I wanted to hear. But there was a reason I was unsure about the whole situation, there have been flags all around. So I needed to ask. I needed to hear it.

He replied this morning and when I first read it, it sounded pretty good to me. But the more times I read it and the more I talked about it with friends, the more I realised that it actually was pretty clear that he was not interested anymore.
He’s always been honest. And he was plain out honest, which I appreciate. I just should ignore my gut feeling, which is still telling me to not give up. But my head has overtaken this position now and I have finally given up. For several reasons.

First of all good morning… so I listened to you voice message yesterday and I do understand your point very well. Unfortunately I don’t really know myself what is best for me currently. And my father’s passing is also still messing me up. The little time we did spend together, I perceived as very nice and I do not regret it at all! However I think, that it wasn’t the best idea to have sex this quickly.
Of course we can meet again at some point, go out for a drink or whatever you want. I just don’t know if I want a relationship right now, as I’ve said before. Not because of you, but because of my current situation 🙈 I have also deleted most of these stupid dating apps!
I really do like you and you are a nice woman. But if we would work out, I don’t really know ☺ (until now, no woman has put up with me 😄)…
I don’t think this answer will help you – but I’m not sure what to tell you.
Best of all you’d pick up a hot guy in Dubai 🤣

This was his message to my voice message. Some things were very cute, and for the first time ever he actually told me that he liked me. But his wording of “but if we would work out, I don’t really know”, it seemed more like a “no we wouldn’t” than otherwise.
I have no idea why he thinks like that, or what is letting him think we would not work out. Stupidly I didn’t ask, which I now always think about of course. He also mentioned how I should hit on someone else, there’s not much more to say about moving on from him, right?
The thing is, I don’t know if he just doesn’t want me to wait, or if he is not interested.

So that’s what I asked. I told him that I was not interested in seeing anyone else but him and that I understood that there was no guarantee we would end up together either way. I told him again that I would wait a year for him, if it’d help him.
He then replied that he doesn’t really know and he really doesn’t “want to waste my time or getting my hopes up, when in the end it doesn’t work out anyway”. Once more pointing in a direction of us not working out.

I explained to him that this felt right for me and therefore it was no waste of time in my opinion. I then more or less asked whether he did not see us working out at all, or was neutral or even positively towards it. He said he was neutral. Is that a good thing? Was he trying to be nice and not hurt me by not saying “I can’t see us”?
I let him know to tell me if his mind changes in any way and it would be okay for me to just see where things would lead us. He then was saying “but it must be okay for you as well… at least we haven’t seen each other in a while by now”. I’m not really sure why he said this. I know we haven’t seen each other in a while, but would that change my mind? More likely it changed his mind.

He then didn’t reply anymore when I said we should just see where things are leading us without any pressure. So I told him that I really need him to be honest and not meet up with me, if he’s not feeling like it. And he said he obviously would.

By then it was like 3 hours after that first text. I had been silently crying at school and really needed some reassurance (which I knew I would not get). So I asked if it may help him sort his feelings out if we saw each other or if he would feel even more pressured by this. Of course I had hoped for a “yes let’s do this”, but I knew I wouldn’t get that. Instead I got a “I will think about it”. Which is a no, right?

So I guess it’s quite obvious why I’ve given up. My heart and mind are fighting, I can literally feel my heart being torn in each direction, not wanting to give up… but also just knowing what I am reading. It is a lot of interpretation, but he’s always been straight forward. Obviously he is not ready for a relationship right now, and the way I read this, not ever with me. So why should I drag myself along in hopes to get my “dream man”, when he is not interested? He may like me, but he doesn’t like me like that.

Yes, it fucking hurts and I have tried to stay strong. Haven’t cried (until now) and probably will be ugly crying myself to sleep tonight. I don’t know what to do. I know I need to leave him be, and I will. I will back away, because that’s what he obviously wants. But it’s hard. Having relied so much on my gut feeling that was as strong as never before… it’s hard to be disappointed. It’s hard to be so sure about someone, when he doesn’t see a future in you. Yes it hurts. And yes, when I drove home after thinking about all of this all day, I realised that my depression has knocked on the door and I let it in. This will be a hard time and I am glad I can go back to work in a month, so I can get my mind off all of this. I really just sort my feelings and decide what to do from now on. I know I cannot simply let him go, but I must. I need to let him go, because he doesn’t want to. But I also know I can’t ignore my feelings I have developed already. And I will wait to see what he’s doing or saying over the next few days or weeks. There’s nothing else left to do, right?

Help.