real talk already.

So on Monday night he asked me to come over after my late shift at work. I said yes, because I really wanted to see him and we hadn’t had the chance the whole weekend. I did not expect to spend the night or anything to happen, really. Well maybe I did expect to spend the night, but definitely not that anything would happen. We also saw each other for like 10 minutes before work, since I drive by his house when I go to work and he was home.

I was able to leave work a little early and then drove to his house. He let me in and he quickly introduced me to his flat mate and we then sat on the sofa and cuddled. His flat mate just said he’ll give us some space. We talked a lot, about my father, about my insecurities and especially about my plans next year (I’m moving away from where I currently live and do plan on going abroad for 2 months as well). He asked me whether I had signed the contract yet and booked my trip abroad and I said that I haven’t. He asked why and I said that I was scared and really don’t want to do any of it. Moving away means driving 2 hours to him instead of 30 minutes – plus figuring out our work schedules when it’s already hard when we work at the same place. And being away for 2 months… well you all know how I’m dealing with going away when I’m insecure. He asked me what I was afraid of and I said “being left”. He said he won’t go anywhere and that we’ll get through this, but that I shouldn’t cancel all my plans just because of him. It’s so cute, but it will be hard. But I know I need to do this. I haven been working towards that job for a year now and finally got the job, so I can’t just back out now. It’ll only be for 2 years. He also won’t move with me, mainly because he has all his friends here, plus he’s just got another job close to his home town, so. And I would not expect him to move just for me either, although he’s only been in this country for 5 years. But maybe this is exactly why. He had to start anew already, I don’t want to take all of this away again.

Anyway, after all that talk I pulled him onto me and kissed him. I suddenly realised he was hard. I did not expect this at all, neither what was going to happen afterwards. He kept saying “you know, we’re still on the couch, right?”… so at some point we changed into his room. We both didn’t expect this to happen that night, we hadn’t planned on it and it threw me off completely. I was not happy about it, mainly because I had flashbacks to Stan (because Scott was somewhat aggressive. More so in his facial expression than anything else, but it didn’t feel right either way). Also there was no talk about protection, which threw me off as well.

I then barely slept at all, maybe an hour or two, and then drove him to work in the morning. I was off work yesterday, so I drove home afterwards and slept for a while. I felt like bullshit though and talked to a friend about how I was feeling. I was so scared that now that we’d slept together things would go downhill and we’d still have to work for 4 months together, which would be awkward if I’d run away. My mind literally went off rail. I did want to end things right then and there… I felt so bad.
My friend then told me to talk to him about my feelings. At first I didn’t want to, because I knew it was all in my head. But yet I needed to get it out. So I told him. About the protection (to which he said he had thought about it as well and was sorry) and that I had the flashbacks because of him. I felt better after that short text exchange already.

We then had a team meeting that afternoon. It was the first time after we first kissed that we saw each other back at work. It was awkward not to greet him with a kiss, but we dealt well I guess. Afterwards we met up in my car and drove over to his place. He asked whether I wanted to get dinner, but we both were still so exhausted from the night before, that we really just wanted to crash in bed. So we went to his flat and got into bed. Just cuddling. Didn’t last too long however, this time on his terms though. All of a sudden he said “I had only planned on cuddling tonight…” We both burst into laughter. It was so much better than the first time and all my insecurities went away, which felt so good. I had a good night’s sleep and actually slept through the night, which surprised me. Same goes for him. We also did not end up eating anything, as he lasted a lot longer due to some “side effects” of his pills. This also made us laugh so much. Me because I was so sore by that point and him being absolutely stunned when we looked at the clock 3 hours later… but it was nice, and this time he kept reminding me to use protection, when I really didn’t want to. Good boy, I guess. He even asked what we would do if I got pregnant (not in this words, but it was what he meant).

Also when we talked, I accidentally called myself his girlfriend. We were making fun about the side effects of the pill and I told him to go to his doctor and tell him to stop the pill, since his girlfriend was so sore. He laughed and the same moment I realised what I had said, he was like “wait, what did you say?” I laughed and said “that I am sore”. Him: “no the other part!” But I did not repeat myself. I know he wanted me to say it, so we could make it official, but this is a talk he should start.

I’m just so happy. That compared to the night before, we were laughing and enjoying ourselves so much more. I was way more at ease and he really took what I said to heart and tried to change things, which is so cute. He kept saying “I’m trying to control my facial expression, but it’s really hard, honey”. He also kept saying that he likes me so much, which was so cute.

Yes, I’m really falling for him. So we just need to figure out how to survive the next two years. But I’m trying not to think about it too much, which he’s figured out already. I try to avoid the subject, but he keeps bringing it up. I know I need to confront things, but I just want to enjoy the happiness for now.

We’re also a lot more at ease about people from work seeing us. I did drive an other way home today, so they wouldn’t see me. But one of the colleagues know already, because Scott told him. And 2 others are expecting things. But we’re just being silly and enjoying the “mystery”.


closure with P and J.

Just for some closure about the other guys I’ve already moved to “past dating experiences” – if you haven’t noticed yet:

After I had given P yet another chance to make things up a couple of weeks ago, I haven’t heard from him since that day either. I did not reach out again and I don’t plan to either. I also decided last week that I would not take him to the dinner I had originally invited him to, and I’m not going to tell him that I’m taking Scott either. I asked Scott if he would care to join and he was right ahead “YES”. It was so different to when I asked P that I knew it was the right decision to switch partners. It took me like 3 hours to get a definite answer from P, when I got one within seconds from Scott without even mentioning any details to him. And he right away asked our boss to have a day off that day. In that moment I knew P was past and will stay there. Finally. I deleted all the screenshot from the last year and will eventually get rid of his pictures, too.

Jeremy isn’t that easy to “get rid” of though. I’m not sure how to tell him that things have changed out of the blue. I did not lie to him whilst we were dating, but the insecurity about whether we match, should have been reason enough to let things be. Plus even over the course of these couple of weeks I had been dating him, I never even thought about forgetting P or at least leaving the option open to date him again. I also knew from the moment he didn’t care about my well-being when I was sad, that things wouldn’t work out. So it’s not really out of the blue at all. But with how I guess he is like, he won’t have yet understood where we’re at.
And even though I haven’t seen Jeremy in 3 weeks, he keeps sending me pictures and videos every day. Most of which I don’t even respond to anymore, so I’m not sure how long it’ll take him to get the hint. If he doesn’t, I will have to talk to him eventually. I’m just scared he will turn up at work one day with Scott being there. That would be so awkward. On the other hand, it’s not like I cheated on either one of them. I stopped things with Jeremy before I even realised what was going on with Scott.

So yes. Definitely forgetting about these other guys and concentrating on Scott. I just wanted you guys to know what was going on and why I found the closure I needed after such a long time – at least with P. Hell it took me almost a year!



key moments.

Things with Scott are going great. It’s just so different to me, because he knows me. He knows me in several different situations from work and I don’t feel like I have to prove myself or make myself look good, because he knows better. I also can be very open with him, which has made things a whole lot easier for me.

I might have mentioned but last weekend we weren’t able to meet up, due to his parents visiting (by the way, he’s originally from another country and moved here 5 years ago) and I was busy as well. So we weren’t able to talk too much and neither see each other, which has been hard for the both of us.

Last night after we went to bed we had a real talk, and this has made things even better for me.
We somehow started talking about where we caught the virus (we had started making fun of our situation right now, saying it is due to us catching a virus), because I had mentioned before that somehow it was all of a sudden different between us. We always got along good, but at some point it turned and I was not able to pinpoint that moment.
Well he asked me when I had caught the flu and I said I guess it was on our late shift together (10th May) and I asked him when his first symptoms showed up. The more I thought about things, the better I could say the one moment that changed things for me. It was when we were by ourselves, after he had sent everyone home and he looked at me, sitting like 1 meter away from me and my heart dropping. That was the moment I realised it was more for me than just a fling.
I didn’t think there was such a moment for him, but I asked nonetheless. He had been avoiding these questions before, so I didn’t expect him to answer them now. His answer was “do you remember that early shift we shared together?” (May 7th) Of course I did. We were having so much fun that morning, just teasing. And then when we sat at lunch with the others, he asked whether I was afraid to sit next to him and I said yes and laughed and sat a few seats away (we had been punching each other before and I said something before that, that’s why I did not want to sit close to him). And the moment he asked me whether I remembered that early shift, I knew it was that exact moment. Apparently I had looked at him differently and that’s when it clicked for him. So it’s so interesting that even though we had been texting back and forth for 2 months, it still only clicked 2 weeks ago for both of us. Not in the same moment, but the same week. And we both could break it down to like one second of all the hours spent together that things changed. That’s so interesting, isn’t it?!

This conversation changed so much for me. I can’t really explain why, but knowing the exact key moment – and knowing he had one – gave me so much security.
I also told him that I had talked myself out of these thoughts for the longest time. Even when he was on his way to pick me up last Friday, I still talked myself into him not being interested, and it just being friendly. Even when I hugged him – and he didn’t hug me back at first, which I now know was pure surprise from him because he hadn’t expect me to hug him in that moment at all – I did not think anything out of it. For me things changed when I hugged him and he took my hands into his. I don’t know why this gesture made me feel secure, but it did.

I told him that I needed lots of security in the beginning and that I was really weird  about seeing or accepting emotions from others and usually just talk myself into not being important to anyone, so I can’t really get hurt. He just told me that I am important to him and that I now know when it clicked for him. And that he knows what I’m thinking because I told him about my key moment as well.

Everything is just so different with him. Because I’ve known him for a while. Because we can talk so openly and I know he’s so empathetic. Things will get weird when we see each other at work and won’t be able to touch or hug, but we both are set to make things work. Plus there will be moments we are alone and can steal a kiss or two. But I’m very eager to find out how long it’ll take our colleagues to work out that we’re dating. Probably not too long with how we’re both being hyper.
And he also said he was very grateful that I took that first step of hugging and kissing him, which is so funny to me. I’ve never done that before (sober at least) and I don’t know why I wasn’t afraid to do it with him. And I will forever tease him, that I was the one to start 🙂 But it doesn’t really matter, because it brought us to where we are now and that’s all that counts for now.



So happy right now.

kiss a work colleague?

I am ridiculously tired, since I got out of the night shift this morning and have slept a grand total of 2 hours today, but I need to type the events of today up, because I wanna remember them as detailed as possible.

I mentioned in my last post that the possibility of dating my work colleague Scott had arisen. Things got pretty heated up after our last shift together a week ago. We started sharing more private matters and I noticed the looks he gave me at work. He searched for my eye whenever I entered the room. And just overall I got more attention than I did before. But I still wasn’t sure what was going on. He started saying things like that he enjoys my company at work and bumping into me a lot more than he used to, searching for physical attention. He also just let me know by texts that he is interested.

When we had our report at work, we always tried to get the same patient, because it would give us an extra 15minutes 1-on-1 or so together. The first time I then sat really close to him, touching his arm. At first he took it away until he realised I was doing it on purpose and left it there. He later told me by text, that he had really enjoyed it. Then last night and this morning it was on his term that he got really close and touching. At one point he put up his hand and I realised he had wanted to hold my hand until he realised we were at work and therefore not allowed to do so (our work colleagues don’t know anything yet). We shared a lot of longer looks than before and one of our colleagues (and also a good friend of his) noticed and started making comments. We just ignored them, because we had been putting up with things like this before we even had one thought about getting to know each other.

Things were hard for me at first because for me it always seemed there was a work-colleague Scott and the one I was texting with. I was not able to mend them together until we got physically close (even though it was just touching our arms).
All good.

Today I mentioned that the weekend was gonna be hard, since we’re both busy and can’t see each other till Tuesday when we see each other daily this week (even though just for a few minutes). That’s when we originally had set a date after our group meeting. He asked to see me privately several times in the last week, and I offered Tuesday.

So when I said it was gonna be hard this weekend, he mentioned that we could probably see each other tonight before he had to go pick up his parents if I wanted to. I said that would be awesome, but knew in that exact moment it was not a good idea, because it would make the weekend even worse.
Long story short, we settled on him coming over to my place at 7.30pm. He picked me up and we drove to the lake side. At first we just sat in the car talking, because it was raining. When we didn’t know what to do, I said I actually still would like to go on a walk and so we did. Nothing had happened thus fur, we talked, we punched each other a few times… just the simple things we had been doing for a while now. When we got back to his car we stood in front of it… it was probably around 8.30pm by then and we knew he had to leave an hour later. We talked and just stood close, but no touching whatsoever. At some point I just hugged him, because… well I wanted to. I knew he wanted it, too. I’m not sure whether it’s shyness or simply uncertainty that he’s not making the first step, but from then on we talked, holding hands or hugging. We got closer and closer, him putting his lips to my forehead, me stroking his head (until we both almost fell asleep, since we have been sleep deprived for a while now due to our different day-night-schedule). There were several situations we could have kissed, but I wanted him to take that step. At one point he looked at me for a good 10-15 seconds and I then had to look away. I know it could have happened then, but it’s just so hard with him. He confuses the hell outta me.
Well, then he all of a sudden hugged me with his arms under mine (which is weird, since I’m quite a bit smaller than him) and I had my arms around his neck. And then I figured, what the heck and kissed him. I knew he wanted it and I just kissed him, and we didn’t stop for the longest time. No tongue however, which is new for me. He has the softest lips ever, so it was a really lovely kiss and my stomach kept fluttering on and on.

So yes. I don’t know if that makes us official or if we just keep on doing this. We have talked about how it’s hard to date in his home town, because all our work colleagues live there and I live 30 minutes away. But he just said he doesn’t really care, which I do believe. But we still want our privacy and we know they’ll make comments ALL the time once they find out. Although the ones being a bit brighter than others have picked up on the little things we’re doing (such as me giving my car to him last night).

Well,… by 9.45pm he said that he really needed to go (should have left at 9.30 anyway) and apologised, which was so cute. I knew all along that he had to leave, so I was fine by it. And he asked to see me on Monday night after my late shift, so we’ll see. Latest will be Tuesday and then, maybe, if he wants me to, I’ll sleep over 🙂 but we’ll see.

I’m very happy about this. And just now as I was typing this up I realised I never even thought about P. This is the first time since I started dating him last August, so that’s nice. And Scott does make my stomach flutter and I was SO nervous before we met. I’m just so happy, he is such a nice person. He also let me know how sad he is that I am leaving, when he’s the one leaving earlier. Logic. But I’ll move away so I guess that’s one reason plus I’m leaving for 2 months, which might be another issue. Haven’t booked it yet, so we’ll see. For now I’m just gonna enjoy what we have, whether we’re official or not. I don’t care. I just feel good and safe with him, and that’s all I need.

dating a work colleague?!

Hmm.. it’s funny I haven’t mentioned Scott on here yet. So I’ll have to update you quite a bit on here.

Remember when I was on holidays in March? It was a good getaway and I did use my phone, although I usually don’t. What happened on holidays… I wrote it off at first:
A colleague of mine – Scott – had texted me because of my status update about my holidays on facebook. He sent me a simple “nice holidays 🙂“.
We always got along at work, so I figured it was just a nice gesture. I answered and we have always been teasing before, so I said “thanks, you miss me already at work, huh?” because he always said he can’t wait until I’m gone again (we always knew I wouldn’t work too long in that team). Well, we started texting every single day during my 11-day stay abroad. I was actually looking forward to his messages and used my phone way more than usual whilst I was away. My mother already got that look on her face about us dating, but still.. I wrote it off to pure “being nice”. We got to know each other a bit better and he updated me on the work situation. Nothing too personal though, like not on a deep level.

I guess one reason that I did not see any signs of flirting, was because we have had a talk about what we like in the other gender right before I left. And he was really put off by me drinking beer (if I do drink alcohol) and just my “boyish” personality over all. Like we got along perfectly as friends and he really liked me being bold and able to talk back, but I never saw myself out of the friendzone. And neither was he for me.
We had also been a subject at work, because at that time we were the only ones single and my boss was like “you know, Scott is single, too?!”,  but I just never was interested. I wasn’t able to see myself dating him. I liked him as a friend, but that was it. And the same went for him, I guess.

Once I returned home I figured the texting would decrease again since it would be awkward at work. Like those 2 weeks we were just in another state of mind, and I thought things would get back to normal when I was back to work.
Well,… it didn’t. We did see each other, although we didn’t worked the same shift for the longest time. I think I actually only saw him one day before he left for holidays himself and he was really pissed that day. I knew it wasn’t about me, but it was awkward after all that texting and he left really quickly.
But,.. we kept on texting pretty much every day. Maybe once or twice we didn’t text for a day, but usually we are talking daily, even when we just saw each other at work.

We’ve worked 2 shifts together so far and we had a blast. One was last Monday and the other was last night.
Things have shifted between us for sure. We talk a lot more. Although we haven’t had too much time together at work, because it’s usually just the report from one shift to the other and then one or the other leaves. Last night however was different. We had a late shift together with 2 other people. One of which left at 8pm (our shift ends at 10pm), so we watched a movie, because there wasn’t too much to do. At around 8.30pm he told the other one to leave as well and I got really nervous about us being alone. Once the other person did leave as well, my heart started racing, because I just didn’t know what would happen. I mean I don’t know if he’s actually interested in me – like romantically. Because of said conversation we had before my holidays. But he does look at me quite often and is much more touchy than he was before we started texting. We’re teasing each other on a level that probably is not normal anymore. He’s hiding my things, we’re throwing things at each other just to grab it back… and just overall get physically close. And all of this happens in front of everyone to see, and he’s okay with it, and so am I. And I have gotten weird looks from other colleagues, when they realised we’re actually talking in private as well.

Nothing happened when we were alone however. I did not expect it to either. The chance of getting caught was way too high, plus if one or the other would reject, it will become awkward at work. And I think that’s our main problem now. The interest seems to be there, but I – just speaking for myself – am too scared of rejection and then things getting weird at work. I mean I drive him home after work, because he’s on my way home (he’s calling me his taxi service), it’s not like there’s no option to kiss without being seen by work colleagues. But there’s something holding us – or rather me – back. We even texted till 1am after our 9 hour shift together yesterday.

Oh I don’t know. I really like the attention and it’s so different because we’ve known each other over a year. We both have seen each other when we have been in a bad mood and so on. He really knows me. Like the annoying, bubbly, loud me. He even saw me cry this week, when a patient of mine passed away and I wanted him to hug me so badly. But he didn’t. He’s awesome though. He is the perfect balance between being playful and funny, but also empathetic. I did have that really rough weekend when we had to resuscitate someone and I bumped into Jeremy on that car accident, and Scott listened to me rambling, when P wasn’t there for me. He just gets me, since he’s a nurse as well and everything just makes it so much easier.

There’s just a lot going on to process, but in the end I’m just glad to have him. Because work makes that much more fun (not that I didn’t love it already!), and the attention is good for my self-esteem right now. PLUS what I have said to my friend and which is weird to me. For the first time since I’ve met P, I am not comparing someone to P. I have not thought about J and P as much anymore this week and am concentrating on Scott instead. Which is very good for my mental health.

Sadly we’re not sharing any shifts again for 3 weeks, but will bump into each other on our reports next week. So, that’s cool. I’ll keep you updated 🙂

giving up

Haven’t been on here for a while… so here’s an update:

I’m questioning most of my choices right now, because I’ve been really upset today about something that happened at work. It’s usually the time I text people I haven’t talked to in a while, so to get “more upset” than I already am – because I’m pretty sure they’ll hurt me further… if that makes any sense. So I texted not only P, but also Kenny this morning.

And I find myself yet again in a situation with Kenny. For some reason we always start up texting again when one or the other needs help. He got really grumpy around midday and I just said “I didn’t do anything” and he said “I’m really sorry, don’t take it personal. I just got bad news”… and he told me that his father has cancer. Like, he got the message today. And I texted him this morning. How is that for fate?

As I said I also texted P. I just sent him a thinking-emoji and he sent one back, which indicated him feeling remorse (my interpretation). I then said “I guess it’s done”. Him “why?”, me: “no answer is an answer as well.. and that Thursday is now 3 weeks ago”.. then he didn’t answer for the longest time and I did not expect him to. I got a “it’s only been 2 weeks” – which actually is true. But he hasn’t texted me for 3, so whatever. And I said with all the sarcasm I got “oh, then that’s okay…”
I just don’t understand how he can be surprised about me being mad, when he hasn’t showed any sign that he’s alive in 3 weeks and not act like what has happened. I’m just done with this whole story. I’m just questioning my choices over the past year. Like sticking with P for so long, even though he gives me absolutely no reason to do so. And I still compare every guy I meet with him, although he gives me no reason to show that he’s a good guy, like my gut always tells me. Then my choice to sleep with Kenny, and still aching for it to repeat. Like I miss the sexual tension we’ve had. And I would jump at him, if there was the opportunity.

And then there’s Jeremy. We’ve met up like 5 times last week (and he even hugged me on our last date!), but now I haven’t seen him in a week. Because I stopped asking him to meet up. I wanted him to ask me directly. He does leave vague comments, but never asks directly. And I want him to do that. And here we are, not meeting for 7 days.
Plus I was in a really bad mood last weekend, and he didn’t really react to anything. Yesterday I had a really bad day at work and was really sad and told him so. But he didn’t do anything about it. He didn’t ask and just said to suck it up, because it’s my job to deal with death. And I just couldn’t be bothered to put up with that shit. I let it go for then, but talked about it again in the evening and told him to care for me when I tell him I’m sad. Like giving me a hug or something. And then he just sent that emoji that lifts its shoulders. I guess it shows how much he cares.

And I’m just done with people not being able to deal with my sadness. It’s like with Alan. Everything was perfect as long as I was my happy bubbly self. But as soon as depression shows up, they leave without any notice. And I’m pretty sure that Jeremy wouldn’t be able to put up with me in my depressive state. But then again, maybe I’m doing him wrong, because all of this just happened over texting. But then also we had been talking about my father in person, and he never asked why our relationship was bad or whatever. It was always about partying, alcohol, the accident. You know, no personal things discussed?! And that’s why I’m left feeling like this is no match.

And I’m just done. Done with this whole dating/relationship bullshit. No luck this past year and I’m done.


emotions mixed up

My feelings are all over the place and I do not like this.

I haven’t even updated you, but I did end up seeing J on Monday after work. I was quite nervous before we met up, but was very glad he didn’t want to meet me at the hospital. We talked for ages… it was nice, like a catch up with an old friend. We also talked a lot about the car accident which has helped both of us I think. At around 10pm I went home, so we spent a good 6 hours together, just talking. Nothing happened, not even a try. Well, he said hi with a kiss on my cheek, and the longer the evening, the more we got closer. Touching whilst laughing and stuff like that. But he did not try to hold my hand or kiss me whatsoever.
We met up again yesterday, since I was off work and he’s still on sick leave until next week. Once more we talked for 3 hours before he went home. Nothing happened.
And we met up again today spontaneously. Well I had asked him to meet up and watch the ice hockey game together, but he is busy. But then he let me know he was free for a couple of hours after I finish work, so we met up and talked again for 3 hours. Nothing happened. Well he did touch my feet and did go in for a hug after he kissed my cheek, but then didn’t.

Here’s the thing. It’s not like I don’t take first steps, although I usually don’t. But I’m not sure if I even want to kiss him. When I was driving home today, I thought about P. I realised that I still miss him and want to see him. I long for his touch, not J’s. And this upsets me. P hasn’t texted me in over a week, never cancelled our date, which should have taken place yesterday. It just sucks. I wish I could put the attention J gives me into P and it would be perfect. I told my friends and they all said I should give J a chance, he seems very nice and forthcoming. And he is. He is such a nice person, and he treats me very well and I know he has a crush on me. He’s making compliments all the time… but I’m just not sure whether I can evolve emotions. And today for the first time I realised, that maybe I just WANT to fall in love, so to forget about P. You know? And I can’t force myself into feeling something. But I will just continue seeing J and maybe something will come of it… maybe it won’t.