seeing Kenny

I feel like I need to type out my feelings towards Kenny before I see him on Thursday.

I’m not entirely sure where we’re heading to, and I’m also not sure how I’ll feel about it once I’m going home from our “date” again, but right now… I’m looking forward to seeing him. I really miss him when he doesn’t text, and we have been in constant contact from morning to night every day the last 2 weeks or so. This is new, but then also not so new, because it usually is like that before we see each other.
I don’t know what to expect. I do expect us to kiss, but then I also think he might try to hold himself together and therefore not kiss me. I’m not sure how I’ll feel when he doesn’t. I probably would be sad, if I’m being honest. I’m definitely not going to make that first step, but I’d love to kiss him. Not gonna lie. Actually, right now I’d probably even go into friends with benefits with him… but that’s most likely because I’m so lonely lately and the attention I get from him feels so good. I know it’d be hard, because I know about his girlfriend and so on… but I guess I’ll just see how it goes in a few days.

Another thing that happened this weekend: As I’ve said before, we’re chatting on snapchat. You can send special emoji’s (bitmoji) with your personal avatars. I think it was Sunday morning when he sent me an emoji, which said “I love you”. I was pretty surprised by this. Not because I thought he didn’t love me, but because he was so open about it. He did claim that he hadn’t meant to send it, but let’s be real. They’re huge, you can’t just push one on accident. Maybe he just wanted to see how I reacted? And I know he loves me in some way. I don’t think I have ever been so sure about someone having feelings towards me. But then probably because we both know we can’t allow them.

I don’t know. I’m just excited to see him this Thursday. He texted me this morning saying “it’s Thursday soon”. He didn’t say why (obviously because he’s off work, but then also – I guess – he’s excited to see me as well).

So I’m pretty torn. I do want him. But I also know it will do me no good, because I don’t want to be second choice. The question seems to be, whether I am second choice or the girlfriend is. It might be obvious to you guys, but then why is he always coming back to me? Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m at the bad end of all of this. But we’ll see. There’s not much to lose, right?

Advertisements

a serious talk with Kenny

Something new happened with Kenny. Well kind of, we’ve had talks about our emotions or our status before… so it’s not entirely new. But it was indicated from his part, so that was new.
He had been somewhat silent yesterday and I thought he might be mad, because I didn’t go over when he asked me to. But I just thought to myself, that if he actually decides to ignore me for that, I’d just leave him be for how ever long it’ll take us to get back together.

Well anyway. I’m glad snapchat lets you save your messages, since I can’t take screenshots for he would notice. So it started out with us arguing about sex. This is nothing new and I told him to let it go, because I was not in the mood to argue. All of a sudden he asked me what I thought of him. That was new. And I figured it was time to let him know what kind of mess he’s getting me into:
I’m not sure what I think about you myself actually. You know that I like you, but things like on Saturday let me ask myself what I am to you… it’s one thing to not agree on what ‘cheating’ is…  but sometimes I just ask myself if I’m a ‘fun toy’ for in between.. not sure how to explain my feelings

I didn’t get an answer for the longest time. I also didn’t know what to expect from him, I had absolutely no clue. After a few hours he sent me a wink-emoji and said that he understood me and knows what he does isn’t good. And that we’ve talked about this before.
We have. We’ve gone through the exact same thing 2 years ago, without any change.
I wanted to be completely honest so I replied the following: “I’m not accusing you of anything, I hope you know that. I just wouldn’t be able to do so, or rather that’s the only reason I didn’t come on Saturday, because I remembered how I felt 2 years ago. I wasn’t the one to do anything wrong, but I’m an honest and loyal person and it was hard for me. It’s not that I had hoped you would leave your girlfriend for me. I never hoped or thought so. But still it hurt me… I know we’ll probably never be able to  get our fingers off each other and in some way that’s nice to know, too.. but still…
He then exclaimed how I had something about me, that keeps him coming back for me. He then asked what we should do about it and I said I didn’t know and probably never will.

Then things took a weird turn. He said “best would be, if you’d have a boyfriend“. I just said “why should that make things any easier between us?” and he said this way I’d be able to forget about him. Which is ridiculous. We’ve been in each other’s lives for 16 years and we always had that thing going on. I met him when I was 12 and fell in love with him just by texting. It took us like 4 years to finally meet up (by accident that is), and that’s when he kissed me even though he had a girlfriend back then. So that story has started a loooong way back. A boyfriend wouldn’t change my feelings towards him. I might decide to hide them, but it wouldn’t change them.

I’m not sure what to do about this. Like I said, I don’t think we’ll end up together. He probably is somewhat happy with his girlfriend and I believe him. I’m not sure if anyone who hasn’t ever experienced something like that understands… but it’s just something that keeps us getting back together. Yet the timing is always wrong. He just said how last year we didn’t meet up when he had been single. And that was due to me being with Alan. We can’t seem to get it right. And I’m not hoping or wanting for him to break up with his girlfriend. I would never ask him for that, if he’s happy. The last girlfriend I told him to leave was, because he wasn’t happy anymore (and it still took him a year to do so, after we kissed).

I know all of this sounds so awkward. And I’m telling you, it’s not that I want to forget about P. Of course it doesn’t make things any easier for me, and I definitely wouldn’t let myself have these talks if I’d date anyone. But I’m not, so musing about Kenny and I… well what is new in my life? Drama everywhere.

Kenny never learns his lesson…

Kenny is like a tornado. When he decides to come into my life, he rushes in with full force. There’s not in between.

I mentioned in my last post how we decided to meet up in a little over a week – so to say: our yearly date. And I was already concerned about how things would turn out to be.

Well, here’s a new story:
We have been texting back and forth again for a few days. It’s us. We always have these moments when we’re in constant contact and then we can be radio silent for a year or so.
Kenny has a girlfriend. I’m not sure how long they’ve been together, I just saw a picture on instagram when they were on holidays last summer. And he told me so on New Year’s Eve. It doesn’t matter anyway, it doesn’t justify any of his actions.

So.
Last night he was out, drunk. Although he said he wasn’t, after 16 years I know when he’s drunk and when he’s sober. When he does get drunk, he always gets somewhat clingy. So at 11pm he texted me (via snapchat of course), that I should come over. I asked what he was expecting me to do then, and he said “we’ll take it from there”. I didn’t react to it, although honestly I was actually thinking about going. I really wanted to see him. I’ve been feeling lonely lately, and I really miss the reassurance from P. But my brain knew better. Fortunately.

Well, long story short: I told him I wouldn’t go over and he asked why. I told him that we both know very well what would happen and I just got a happy emoji back from him. I told him it’s not gonna happen, due to him being with his girlfriend.
His response? “She’s not around!” – well dude, I’m glad you’re not cheating on your girlfriend when she’s standing right next to you,.. but seriously? Do you not have any remorse?!
So I told him that by now I know he’s not feeling any remorse, but that I would feel so and he asked me why. I couldn’t explain, just that I thought it was wrong. He then said the same thing he did almost 2 years ago: “well.. live now, not in the future!”
It seems to be his motto when he does stupid stuff. What really caught me off guard however was him all of a sudden telling me that he’s into me. We’ve never been big on discussing our feelings, but after 16 years I knew he was loving me in some way. But we also both know that we probably will never end up together, since in all these years the timing was never right. But let’s be honest. I’ve been single for over 7 months and hearing that someone is into me, of course is nice to hear. Especially with everything going on with P.

But.
It doesn’t justify his cheating on his girlfriend. And this is the one reason I will never pursue a relationship with him. I don’t know if he’s like that to any other girls. I honestly don’t believe so. It’s just s thing about us. We can’t seem to let go of each other, no matter the circumstances. But… once a cheater, always a cheater. He’s never going to learn his lesson. I had actually believed now that he’s seemingly happy with his girlfriend, he wouldn’t do something so stupid.. but he also knows I’d not tell her or anyone and he’s clever enough not to let him get caught.

I don’t know. It’s just fucked up.

Oh by the way, I didn’t go to see him, although I was very close to getting in my car. Fortunately I fell asleep when he didn’t reply for like 5 minutes.

back to the old.

Guys,… long time no see.

There wasn’t too much to update on, so I didn’t make a post. We’re still at the same page with P. The date I had suggested didn’t go through and the day after when it was his birthday and I wished him a happy birthday, he asked to see me again – playing oblivious. I didn’t react, I’m just done. We talk on and off. Usually after 4 – 5 days one of us will text. Most of the time it’s him by now though. He tries to connect again on some level, but I’m just pretty much done. I tried to be flirty with him last week, that didn’t go as expected.. but then it never does with him. He just made a comment about how he also has forgotten how to make out, which I guess means he didn’t have anyone since me either. But who cares, really?
I think I’m slowly getting over him. I’ve thought so many times before, but now he kind of makes me get angry by his behaviour. I don’t think of him that often anymore, and whenever I do it’s more about the annoyance about his behaviour. I’m not sure if we’ll ever see each other again. It seems like we constantly talk about it, but he just doesn’t get over it. He also only calls it “meet up” anymore, so there’s that.

Then about Mikey. I actually had to read back on who that was, when I started writing that post hahaha. Long story short: I’ve deleted every number I’ve gotten the last few weeks from Tinder. Haven’t heard from any of them, so moving on. No loss here.

What I actually wanted to talk about is Kenny. Yes. Again.
I was on my night shift last night and sent him a snap. He sent one back and we started chatting. I was kind of flirty, I guess partly because I was just upset with how things with P were going and I needed some reassurance. I always get it from him, so. We got to the topic of meeting up again. I told him it was carnival in a week and I might go over after my late shift. He said it would be lovely and “that means I can’t get too drunk”. I asked him why (although I already knew) and he said, otherwise he’d do stupid things again. In Kenny-language that means: cheating on his girlfriend by kissing me. Again.
I don’t know why but I thought he’d changed. Or that the last time he did it, because he wasn’t happy in his relationship. I did not expect him to think like that, now that he’s (seemingly) happy with his girlfriend.
Well I then asked him whether it was about the alcohol, that he was afraid about it and he said “… hmm actually no. It’s about you!” I asked what he meant and he said “well you’re irresistible.. even without alcohol”. I know he wasn’t entirely serious about it, but it was cute nonetheless. And then when I was thinking about it, this seems to be a thing. I actually can’t remember a time we bumped into each other and had a few minutes to ourselves, when he didn’t kiss me… so there’s that.

I’m actually looking forward to seeing him now, not sure how I feel about it in a week though. And I wouldn’t even say no to kissing him, since I’m just so frustrated with my situation. But I also know how I would feel about his girlfriend then. I don’t know. We’ll see.

goodbye P!

I can’t stop thinking about a comment I got on here. I’m sure it wasn’t meant to hurt me, but it did just that. And now I can’t stop imagining that person to be partying, because (s)he seemed to be right. And yes, I am well aware that I’m starting to go crazy. So all is fine.

Well, long story short(ish):
It’s currently 5pm and I’m still at home. Which means I am definitely not meeting P for dinner tonight. I knew right away when I woke up this morning that it wouldn’t happen. Yet that tiny bit of hope insisted to stay. Until now.
It’s not like I was still believing in seeing him tonight. Knowing him for a little while, I knew he was one to make plans early on. So I knew this was off when he didn’t reply to my suggestion last week. I never told my mom about the plans, and now I’m glad I don’t have to explain to her why I’m home.

I can’t even say how I feel about it, if I’m being honest. I feel sad and disappointed. I’m struggling with my emotions right now, or rather the lack thereof. I’m disappointed. Not because he “dumped” me. That’d be fine. But because he didn’t even have the nerve to tell me off. He could not tell me to fuck off and get lost, but decided to just not text me anymore. Which is a huge déjà-vu to the breakup with Alan. I just don’t understand. Do these people actually think it’ll hurt the other any less, if they decide to just stop talking to that person? Sure it would hurt if he’d told me to give up. But that’s a clear cut and I can move on. But I’m still here, still hoping for what we’ve had in summer.

Don’t worry, anon. I understand now. I will move on from P. He’s not treating me how I deserve to be treated. And yet I can’t just shut that hope out. And I’m pathetic. For still hanging on after 4 months. After 4 months of mostly radio silence. Of no signs that things will get better again. Yet here I am, listening to my stupid ass heart, that doesn’t want to let go. But I’m just so done. I have at least understood that he’s not interested. Or he would have treated me differently. And yes it hurts. I had that fairytale in my head that didn’t become true.

And even after all that has happened, there’s still something left. And that upsets me even more. I know he’ll text me again eventually. But for now, I’ll be the one to hold radio silence – even though it’s his birthday tomorrow. I do want to tell him some things, but what am I hoping for? It won’t change anything. He would tell me about how he’s struggling and what not. He knows how bad his communication is, yet he does nothing to change it. So what am I still hoping for? A fairytale? I don’t know.

But it’s time to move on. And even though I know it will take forever… it is high time to do so.

I’m so done.

New Year, New Date.

So I’ve mentioned Mikey in another post before.

If I’m being honest I didn’t expect to hear back from him after his holidays over New Year. I knew he was away for 4 days and didn’t expect him to text me during his stay. But even here he surprised me and texted the very first day. We have been in contact ever since. It was much less whilst he was away, but we talked nonetheless. This is something so different to what I’m used to with P. Because the conversation was back to “normal” once he got back on Tuesday.

Now here’s the thing: As I said before, he has asked me for drinks in the beginning – way before we realised we were not looking for the same thing. I declined. Then he asked again over the holidays I think, not sure anymore. He asked again yesterday and I told him if Mr. Cucu won’t be ready I’d come over on Saturday. He then replied he won’t hold up his free time until Saturday, which is understandable. At first I was pissed, because it seemed like he really wanted to see me and then he wasn’t open to wait. But seriously, I wouldn’t do it either. So he asked for Sunday and I declined again, due to my final exam in just a month. And I really need to get my bum moving.

But.

I promised him I will take time once that is over. By then we’ll have talked for 2 months already (he messaged me December 14th) and we’ll know. I’m not sure whether he wants to see me and hopes I’ll change my mind about the friends with benefits thing or is actually interested in me. Because he seems to be. And I do really like this guy as well so far. So I’m excited to see him.
I could have met him this Sunday, but I really just wanted to see where things with P are heading. I don’t want to get myself even more messed up with two guys at once, you know? Not that I’d plan a date on Sunday and then actually would see P beforehand. That’d really mess with my head for sure.

If I’m not seeing P this Friday, I’m definitely moving on. May even start dating Mikey. What is there to lose?!
So stay tuned for some more f*cked-up-dating-disasters of mine 🙂

New Year’s Eve caught me off guard

New Year’s Eve wasn’t as bad as I had expected for some surprising turns though.
I was alone at midnight since my mother was already asleep when I came home. I did turn off the lights and phone shortly before midnight as well, but hearing the fireworks, I guess I was still awake then. But who cares really.

But now to the surprises: P texted me. Oh yeah, no actual surprise here. As I said, I had somewhat expected him to send me an unrelated picture for New Year. I wasn’t sure if it would be before midnight, but he did just that. I sent one back and then that was it. I don’t expect to see him on Friday, so there’s that. Moving on.

But then… Kenny texted me. Yes. Always-getting-back-into-my-life-Kenny. We haven’t been in actual contact since his break-up with his exgirlfriend. So that’s been a year. I haven’t seen him on carnival because I was with Alan at the time and didn’t want to get the chance to fall for him again – so I haven’t seen him in almost 2 years. For those of you, who can’t put a story to this name: he’s had girlfriends pretty much all his life, but has kissed me nonetheless whenever we met up. The last time was in February 2016 when he had a girlfriend but we had a huge making out session and I fell for him again. Everything got really messy back then and we stopped contact for quite a while. But that never lasts with us.
Well anyway. Ever since we’ve known each other, this has been an on-and-off-thing between the two of us. So I was surprised to get a message from him last night since I knew he has a girlfriend again. He’s always been in my life, no surprise there… but it always catches me off guard when he confesses his feelings towards me.

So he wished me a Happy New Year and I texted back. We started texting a lot (it was 11pm by then) and I asked whether he’s not out partying with his girlfriend. He said that he was indeed with his girlfriend, but she was already asleep. So we’re back to our old situation. We texted almost till midnight and he has also texted me again today.. so I don’t know. It’s just weird. Anyway.

So he all of a sudden said: “I liked you this year as well and I’ll keep on doing so“.
This really caught me off guard and I said that I like him as well, even though our relationship will always be complicated. So we quickly talked about how we’re always finding back together, even though we fall out on each other.. and it’s true. He’s probably my longest “friend” I have, and although it is complicated, I know when I need him, he’d be there. And it’s nice to know there’s someone out there that loves you in a very awkward way. We’ll probably never have a chance in this life time together, but that’s okay.

Plus he always tries to show me my worth whenever I get dumped again (we’re texting just now and he asked me for my new year’s resolution and I said I want to see my worth and not fight for someone that shows no interest. And he – truthfully – said: that’s not a resolution, this should be a basic). He’s cute. Even though he has done the same to me if we’re being honest,  but he always said that it was not his intention. Whatever, that’s past.

Hope you’ve had a pleasant New Year’s Eve and are happy how 2018 has started 🙂