Goodbye Alan!

Now I’m even dreaming about him…

When that sadness hit me yesterday, I talked to a friend about it. I asked her whether I should send him a message, wishing him a good flight and a save journey today. She said that I should, if I felt the need to. But that I should not put any pressure on it or blame.

All day long that sadness didn’t vanish. Then I woke up from a dream of his. This is ridiculous, but even in my dreams he didn’t care. We were on a building about to go on a trip and I asked if he had read the letter. He said yes. I asked if he had anything to say about it and he said: “Wouldn’t know what!” I was devastated that even after all the emotions and effort I had put into it, he still would not show me anything. Although deep down I knew that some sort of love was there… nothing.

Maybe my subconciousness is telling me to give it up. To not hope for an answer that I am not going to get. Who even wastes a trip to think about his ex? Nobody. So I need to figure things out for myself and not wait for an answer I will not get. Let go of this hope. Let go of the sadness, the anger, the emotions toward him.

I need to understand that he does not love me that much, to give a care about how I feel. No matter how much this truth hurts me. I need to let it go. I need to open my eyes and see the world for its fact and not my hope and imagination of it.

I am alone again.

PS: I did text him a goodbye, wishing him a good flight and save trip. To enjoy the US and get back safely. Saying that Sunday I had so much more to tell him, but that I don’t think it would be a good idea anymore. An hour or so later I told him that I was missing him and hoped he wpuld have a good time. He answered later on and wished me a nice flight as well (and told me that his flight got cancelled). Nothing about the missing part at all. No emotions. I guess it’s high time I moved on now. He doesn’t seem to want to be romantically involved with me any longer. So I am trying to move on whilst I myself am abroad for the week.

Goodbye Alan.

sadness overload.

All of a sudden these last few days, emotions have bubbled up in me. Whilst anger was the most obvious over the course of the last couple of weeks, a deep sadness has overcome me ever since I stopped working last Thursday. I was able to keep it at bay by working on my school stuff. However today it got to me. Big time.

It’s not a sadness I’ve felt before, about being single and apparently not being able to hold up a relationship. Or seeing everyone happy around me, dating or being in long-term-relationships (which of course is not helping out at all right now). But the sadness of losing a part of myself. I don’t know where all these tears have come from as I haven’t cried in probably 2-3 weeks about this breakup. But now I can’t hold them back anymore. I haven’t cried for so long, and now they’re overflowing. All of a sudden. I didn’t even particularly think about Alan, when a sadness has started to form from my stomach upwards. And now I’m sitting here in bed, tears spilling on my tshirt.

Maybe it’s part of the realisation. Knowing that he will fly away for 3 weeks tomorrow and doesn’t even have the nerve to tell me what he thought about the letter. Not one word was said ever since I sent him the package. It just hurts so much to once more have provided trust in someone that obviously has not deserved it.

I’m just so hurt.

the realisation.

The pictures have been taken down and deleted on my phone. For the sole reason of me giving him chance after chance to show me that he cares, and him not taking them. Even though we haven’t had any sort of contact (which is a lack on his side as well, after I told him he could take his time when he wasn’t able to read all of my letter, he hasn’t texted me at all), there’s still possibilities to let him know.

As I mentioned a few times I had a screening for possible cervix cancer yesterday. He knew about this, I called him right after my gynaecologist told me a few weeks back, that there was a possibility. He didn’t care (or didn’t show me). I was very down after the appointment yesterday. Although my gynaecologist told me that it should not be malign, there is something that needs to be taken out. This scares the shit out of me. Because I’m at the age of 27 and there’s a possibility that I might not get my own children – my only wish I ever had in my life.
He knew about all of this. He did not once ask when the appointment was (even less asked if he should come along). I gave him the chance yesterday to show some sort of affection. I posted on several social media, that I had been to the doctors and was having a bad day. He should have realised. But: nothing.

I woke up this morning to a 1-minute long voice record from my acupuncturist, to my very short explanation about my appointment. And I once more realised that Alan will never react like this. And the realisation of the actual breakup, and the hope of ever getting what I want, has diminished. I should not keep my hope up, because deep down I know he will not be able to change. He maybe wants to, but I don’t think empathy is something that can be learned.

Yes, I’ve had a lot of hope. I had the imagination that after his trip to the US he would come back, and all would be good again. But it won’t. And I need to keep things real.

I am really single again.

the breakup.

I need to type this out before my mind gets blurred with thoughts about possible cancer (I’m having the appointment this afternoon – or rather had, once you’re reading this).

So. I was at work when I read Alan’s message. I was angry and mad, about his nonexistent love. I just couldn’t understand how one could just say nothing to your girlfriend breaking up with you. How?

I didn’t write again. I sent Mr. Cucu a 15 minute-voice record whilst I actually started crying (he hasn’t seen or heard me cry in the 9 years we’ve known each other, so you know…). I needed to get it off my chest. All the anger, the sadness. And then I felt better. He made me feel better. Made me feel human. Made me feel not like a huge mistake.

That night I sent Alan a text, saying that I had sent the package off and that I put a letter in the package as well. That I didn’t have much more to say, or rather that it didn’t make sense to say any more.
He answered pretty quickly: “Ok thanks. I don’t know what to say about this. I didn’t think my decision of not seeing you would get that bad of a consequence. But I have to accept this.”
I didn’t know whether I should have laughed about this or cried. To me it sounded like a 5yo boy, how was told not to do a certain thing, and then when you would snatch his favourite toy away, he’d say he didn’t realise what was going on. I had told him so many times that I felt depressed about all of this. And now he acts like he didn’t realise it was that bad?! And why just accept it? Why not fight for something you love?! I would have never just accepted a reaction like this. I would have wanted to know what the hell was going on, and what I could do against it.

The next day when the package arrived he sent me this:
“Thanks for the package. Sadly the tshirt didn’t smell like you anymore, because that was the first thing I did. Tell me how much money I owe you…
I haven’t read the letter until the end yet. I can’t right now. Give me some time, please.”
This showed me, that he still did love me. That emotions were there. But I am no fan of having to break up just to be able for that someone show me how he feels. I’ve done this one too many times in the last few years (Stan and Momo especially). I told him that he should just take his time and if he ever felt the need to answer any of my questions, he could.

I haven’t heard from him since. And I don’t expect to, if I’m being honest. I don’t know what to expect. We’re still friends on social media, so that’s a plus (he’s told me that he usually deletes his ex-girlfriends everywhere, he does not want to be in contact with them)…
I’m not sure if he can change what I’m asking him to. I don’t even know if I still want him to change. Do I want this relationship? I really can’t tell. Right now it’s in Alan’s hand to change our future. I’m doing good without him. It is weird to look around and find memories of him. Of us. I still have the pictures of us on my phone and hung up in my room. There definitely still is hope that things will turn out to be good. But I’m not sure if he can do it in time. Because I know, the longer he waits, the more my emotions will have faded. And he probably cannot or will not take the time to really think about it, but rather try to forget it. It’s how he rolls.

We’ll see. For now we’re broken up (although I still talk about my boyfriend, when someone asks).

yet another relationship that failed…

So it’s done. I guess.

So things escalated pretty quickly after yesterday’s nightly conversation. I don’t think I could have told him any more detailed how he made me feel, without actually putting the blame on him in a specific way. He just said “mmh” and another blast about why I didn’t say straight away after he asked what was wrong. To which I said that I told him I would not mentioned that subject again.
Him: “I don’t know what to do, so I don’t get an negative reaction from you”. He then asked if he still should come today. I said it was his decision, but that he still may. He said that he was very insecure (which I understand) and then asked me when I was going on holidays. What the fuck? Firstly I already told him, as we once planned to go there together, because we’re flying at the same day. Secondly, what about coming over?! He didn’t say anything to that anymore. So this morning when I woke up I wrote: “I guess your non existent answer and reaction means you won’t come over today”. He didn’t reply for 7 hours. So I just sent another “okay”.

Now the best part. He said: “They way we talk with each other is not how I like it and not very helpful to see each other today, so I’m not coming.” What. The. Actual. FUCK?! What kind of reason is that??? So I just answered that I will send his things by mail and best of luck at his exam.

Now you know what? It’s not done yet. He got one last cherry on the top of this huge cake:

“Ah okay. Thanks. Can you give me your banking details?”

That’s all. All that I got for this relationship, for being “his one”. This is all I got about ending things. ‘Ah okay’. I really still don’t know whether to laugh or cry about this. And then as if that’s not enough. His second thought goes to money, because we were planning on going to a concert together. Really? Keeping things neutral, right?

continued rollercoaster ahead.

There are days when I find myself hopeful that things will turn around. Thinking that if we can manage to get through this, nothing will get to us. If he can learn to care, that things will be great, like they were before.
Other days I’m pretty much set on ending this relationship, thinking that his characteristics about being so careless will not ever be changed.

It can vary from minute to minute. I had a huge roller coaster, especially today. Alan asked me yesterday if he could come over this Tuesday (tomorrow) and I said that he may. I just sent a heart-eyed emoji to which he didn’t react. I just wanted him to show some kind of emotions again. So when he told me that he’d go bicycling I told him to be careful. He didn’t say anything to that either. So this morning my mind went insane. I thought about what if he just wanted to come over to get his stuff and break up with me? He didn’t tell me either if he planned on sleeping here although I asked him…

It probably had all been too much for him. Who cares to put up with something like this, if you could have so much easier girls? What if he has shut off? Because it definitely feels that way. There is NO emotion from his side. Not one heart emoji or anything the like. I haven’t heard a “I miss you” or “love you” for the last 2 weeks. No kissing emojis. Just. Nothing.
And a sadness has overcome me ever since I realised this. I felt the lump in my stomach, once that thought has crept into my head. And in that moment I knew that there still are emotions. I still hope quite a lot that things will turn out positive. It still hurts a lot, that he does not care. I have somehow managed to turn these things off for the last couple of weeks. To be able and concentrate on other things. But it is so hard.

Just one more example: He just asked me what I was doing, so I said I was writing down my thoughts (perfect entrance for a conversation right?). Him: “I’m planning my future” (my first thought ‘without me, I guess’). “About changing subjects in my studies.”
Really?… That’s once more just what I have been talking about all along.
He. Just. Doesn’t. Understand. Not one single word was left about why I was doing what I was doing.

But I am very unsure of this situation right now. And somewhat am prepared for the worst – being single this very next day. I had to hold back several times to just blunt out ask him if he wanted to break up. But what good is it? That I don’t need to get it said to my face? I don’t know. We’ll see.

I’m just so done fighting anything. I’d love to just sleep. Forever.

Okay so update: he asked me wjether I was okag, I told him the thoughts above (no emotions and breaking up) he didn’t react to either of them, but rather was complaining about “I can’t do anything right without getting a negative reaction from you”. I later asked him whether we were srill on tomorrow. He said he was really insecure. I asked, so what about tomorrow. He said the same. I didn’t reply. He asked when I was going on holidays (which I told him before and he had even asked if we should go to the airport together, because it’s on the same day… so you know. His listening skills). I told him the date and time, mildly annoyed. He says “Sorry I had to ask again”. Once more leaving my question unanswered. I’m done. How can one just not react to a confession of “I’m not sure whether you’re just coming over to break up with me and grab your things. I feel like there’s no more space for me in you life.” Nothing. He just asked what made me feel this way and he did not say anything for or against it. I don’t think I can get any more proof of his lack of interest in my feelings. Right?

Dodo is back in my life!

On a whole other subject, but still I want it to be documented on here:

This whole mess with Alan has made me talk to Dodo again. I knew he would be here for me, because he always is and was. No matter how badly I’ve treated him in the past, he never left my side. No matter how much I tried to push him away. He kept his distance, but held my hand if I asked him to. This is what true friendship means. Being able to talk to them at any time, without judgment. And even though we didn’t talk a lot over the last 2 years due to my reaction to his love confession, I knew he would be here for me at any minute.

I texted Dodo after Alan failed to reply to my confession about my depression. I told him that I just didn’t understand, how one could not react to a message like that. And let’s put some things straight here: Dodo didn’t know either. So let’s just compare these two reactions of my boyfriend and a friend;

  • Boyfriend: No reply
  • Friend: “First of all, do I need to be worried about you?! Secondly: I don’t know how one cannot reply to something like that. Of course one can be overwhelmed with that, but even though it’s a difficult subject, just not answering is pretty damn… bullshit. Of course, an answer should be well thought about. But if someone would tell me this, it means she trusts me and I should be able to reply with something.”

And just like that, with one single text he made me feel that much better. Better than my boyfriend probably ever did when it came to problems.
This conversation ended up with a huge rant from my side about my boyfriend. And he just listened and said what he thought. That’s what a friend – even more so a boyfriend – should do. That’s what “being there for someone” means.
And on a little side note: Whilst I was writing all this to Dodo he was at school. And he actually intentionally left the room to be able and be there for me. That’s what friends do. Putting priorities right.

Ever since, Dodo has texted me daily, making sure I am okay. Telling me to look for myself and not for Alan. Make sure that if he drags me any farther down, I need to leave him. He made me see my worth again. Made me realise that it’s not all in my head.

We then talked about some other things and all of a sudden he asked me about my depression (and that was the moment I would have loved to show this conversation to Alan, just to let him know that it was possible. Having a normal conversation, making me feel loved and cherished. Being actually interested in my life).

After we talked all day long, he then told me about his current problems with his “girl” (it’s not his girlfriend) and he told me that he’s just asking himself, why he’s invested so much time in her. To which I said “you probably asked yourself the same thing about me when ‘we broke up’ ” (apart from asking what had happened etc.)
He said “No I actually have never thought bad about you. I just asked myself what would have happened if things went a different way. What if I had reacted in another way than I did”. I told him though that he never did anything wrong (or at least that’s what I had in mind. It just didn’t work out for me).
At that point I had reread what had happened between us 2 years ago, because after everything that has happened with Stan, I totally forgot what the issue was. And I don’t think he could have done anything right or wrong. It just didn’t match for me.

However. I’m just glad to have someone back in my life, that is actually here. Always.