I feel really stupid to write this, but I need to get my thoughts out there more. I felt very depressed over the last few months when I didn’t talk to anybody about my feelings. Although it may seem crazy to talk to all of you guys (or better, just me rambling on), it does help so much for my mental health!
As I mentioned in my last post I have met quite a few guys. Well, I haven’t really met them, but just got to know them over the internet (what else?!). Y – also known as Yavin – being one of them.
Just believe me when I say I feel pretty damn stupid
and like a 12yo teenage girl, but somehow I feel like he could actually turn out to be the one. This is just as stupid as it sounds in my head, I haven’t even met him for real yet, so how come?
I really can’t explain this, it’s just a feeling. A very good feeling at that. I briefly mentioned how he looks so good? Yeah, he does. His eyes are wonderful, I keep finding myself switching through his pictures (he actually told me to add him on facebook, so I don’t always have to stalk his pictures on the dating app – hah, good on you girl for making it subtle… not. Oops.) I don’t know the last time I did that (it probably was with Dan). I just generally think of him a lot. And I do know that I don’t even really know him for real.
Yesterday we talked about serious matters for the first time since we met (about 2 weeks ago, well actually he texted me for the first time on 23rd December). I told him that I really can’t say what he thinks of me. So he asked me what I wanted to know exactly.
Me: I don’t know whether you make fun of me or are actually interested. Or what could come out of this?
Him: Sure! I am interested in you, I just don’t really know you. You’re funny, which makes me say things – I’m not making fun of you!
Me: I don’t have a problem with your humour, I just don’t know whether it’s platonic or could turn out into more (as that’s what I’m used to with my boys at school). Know what I mean? I feel very stupid writing this.
Him: No! I do understand you. We do have to have some more intense contact or have a drink to get to really know each other. So we can tell what this is going to be.
So I said that I really would like to meet him, it’s just hard with his daily schedule (as mentioned, he has a daughter and she stays with him every weekend, he is active in a sports team and goes to school twice a week.
We haven’t actually set a date yet, but I am eager to meet him. But I don’t want to force him to anything. I’m just really holding back with him, I don’t know why.
Once I realised that I might actually see him for real, I started to get very self conscious. What if I am too fat for him? What if he doesn’t like my hair? Or just me overall? That’s a feeling I haven’t had in such a long time! I’m usually pretty keen with who I am, but realising how good he looks and that he’s just into sports overall made me… actually made me workout yesterday *laugh awkwardly*.
Anyway, this was a very long post to just say that – yes – I feel very connected to him although we haven’t talked as much as I am used to. BUT I feel good about this – for some unknown reason. I do not want to get my hopes up, and I am well aware that this could be one big failure and I should not read anything into this. But I’m just excited.