panic attack

umm. I kinda forgot to mention…

You know how sometimes all of a sudden something happens? But then it feels like the most normal thing in the world and you forget to mention it? I guess this has just happened:

Things with Ken have been literally like a rollercoaster. Up. And down. And up again. And all the way down. You get the point. I mean, again, it has not even been a week since my last post but everything has changed. But let me start from where I left off:
We started talking again. We got to know us a bit better. Yes we still fought at some points, but it didn’t last as long as when we first wanted to meet. All of a sudden he asked me out again. I was so caught off guard by this, because I just thought he had given up. This time I was up for it though. He would be off the whole day, we decided for another meeting point and there was no fighting about it. Although for the whole time, we still kept joking about just being friends. We have also talked on the phone now, which I hate, but then again loved with him. Every evening I hoped he would call. Who am I? And what is up with my life? So today is the day and I am not yet sure what to expect. I really like him. Yet in the back of my mind there are a lot of things which make me wonder if things could work out. We have a lot of different views on life, and I don’t want another Momo. I will just have to let things go slowly I guess (yet I am hoping for a kiss, what is wrong with me?!)

Fortunately, at least things with the ex have died down again. Yesterday I was out with my school friends to have a drink and I bumped into a friend of Momo. I was in shock for a few seconds, but then just passed. Why would I say hello, I only saw him once or twice and he probably didn’t even remember me (although he had kept saying that we were a perfect match). I wasn’t shocked because I saw him, but because I thought how funny this situation was. I kept begging Momo not to go out and have a drink. And only yesterday did I really understand that the problem wasn’t the going out part, but his friends. I didn’t want to go out, because I didn’t like his friends. And now I’m here, going out with my friends every week and I am totally fine with it. No anxiety. No panic attacks. Funny how the world works, huh?

Then there’s Redfox. I actually feel a bit unfair that I am dating Ken and he didn’t get a chance. He has been constantly there for me, making me laugh and being overly protective (and maybe that’s the problem. Because I know it’s not what he actually is like). I have told myself that after the date today, I’ll probably know more about things with Ken and therefore might or might not let the conversation with Redfox die down a little. We’ll see. He has still asked me for a date and it’s cute, but y’all know.

Aaaanyway. I’ll let you know soon enough, how the date went.


all the feels!

This post is not going to be about any of the new guys I’m trying at least. I just wanted to say how happy I am.

I have been happy since the breakup, I’m not gonna lie. My life has increased a lot. Just today I said to my mom I am so glad that the anxiety is gone again. I’ve had one panic attack, which was kind of still connected with Momo, but ever since that (it was in December): nothing. I was in a crowded place today, which usually brings anxiety to me. Nothing. I am so much better without him and I am wondering if I didn’t even have a problem in the first place, but was getting anxious because there was no understanding from him? I will see. In November I’m going to a concert with my brother and if I don’t get anxious then, it really was because of Momo. Like, I know that I am scared of crowded places, but it was never as bad as with Momo. Anyway I’m chattering, you get the point!

So yes, I am much happier without him. But you know what?

I am even happier now. It is great to feel something again. Yes, I am absolutely terrified that I let too many feelings slip from my little castle I have built up. I am so scared to meet Ken and not get what I want. Or not be able to give him what he wants. I am absolutely shattered about it. But then again, I am also very happy that there are feelings again.
When I broke up with Momo I just switched them off. I just didn’t let any emotions slip anymore, because I was done trying to deal with all the emotions at once (has anyone seen “The Vampire Diaries”? It feels like the humanity switch to me..) But now, getting back into flirting and getting attention. Being told what a wonderful person I am. It feels good. Really good. And yes, there might be pain, and I might not get what I want. But at least I feel again, and I am glad.

I have been dancing around the house all day today. I was actually full with energy, went out for a run after walking for 40minutes straight already. I didn’t do as much in the last half year in one day. (At least not when I wasn’t angry and wanted to get that out). Where does the energy come, when I slept a total of 10 hours for the last 2 nights? Yes, it is the happiness. I fell asleep with a smile on my face, and woke up with one. I haven’t felt this good in a long long time.

Girl Online

I’m not sure if anyone on here knows about Zoe Sugg aka Zoella. I have been following her youtube channel for a while now and have always loved her personality she showed. In November she released her first book “Girl Online”, which I have just read. Somehow this book has affected me in a deep emotional level. Not only because I see myself in this book, but because it has made me sit back and think about what I’m actually doing.

I’m not only seeing myself in Penny, because of the anxiety and panic attacks I have experienced this last year, but also because of the anonymous blog. After finishing the book, I thought to myself what I would do once it came out who was writing “diary of a tight-lipped girl”. I have been so open here, because I knew that people don’t know me and just like in the book are very supportive and don’t judge me for whatever I’m doing. We have built up a little community, help each other out in any situation (or at least that’s what I am experiencing!)… And I would have never dreamed of having even more than a couple of readers, and now there are over 180! That is insane and I am so thankful for every one of you!
I would not be very happy if any of my friends would find this little secret place of mine, and so far nobody has. I haven’t told my family or any of my best friends, because I just want a place to ramble without thinking too much about what I tell the Internet and what I don’t.

I have also had dreams about the ex again, since I started reading it, so I hope they will vanish again now that I’m done. I don’t remember what it was about, but I know that I was quite upset when waking up. I really don’t care about him anymore right now. At least not on a level I probably still should.
Just today I realised how much more relaxed I am. In certain situations I just remember that Momo would have had me doing things I did not enjoy. For example I just realised that it is Saturday and thought about how I always dreaded weekends, for it meant; me getting anxiety because he wanted to go out.

Penny, in “Girl Online”, has found a soulmate who understands her anxiety and even is able to help her get through her panic attacks. Of course, I wish some day I will meet someone who can relate as well. Someone who doesn’t just ignore it when I say that I don’t feel well or don’t want to go. I also told my mother on how many things I don’t do anymore, because I know they’re leading to anxiety, and then remember how many of those were related only to Momo. I didn’t do them before and I don’t do them now anymore.

I just feel so much better without him, it’s actually ridiculous.

Anyway, soon is a new year I have some resolutions for myself throughout this next year:

  • don’t get yourself in any situations you do not feel well, deliberately! I know that I can’t avoid all situations, but I can decide what I want to do with my personal life.
  • tell people why I don’t feel okay doing certain things, don’t just think they’ll understand.. because the probably won’t
  • only let yourself fall for a boy, when you’re sure he can understand and relate to your emotions and actually KNOWS about them

I plan to let my feelings have a bigger impact on what I’m doing. I used to just ignore what I felt, and did what was normal for everyone around me. But after reading “Girl Online” I understood that after certain events, one can not go back to normal because it’s just not normal for YOU anymore. Let yourself have the feelings and accept them, just as they are. You don’t need to feel pressured to do whatever, just because people think it is what one should do or feel!

falling all over!

Things are better than ever. I always thought people are kind of “love blind” when they said that they fall in love more each day.. but I finally understand what they’re talking about, because it’s happening to me, too… Each day I find something new to love in Momo and it’s just amazing how much I love him. Of course we still have arguments, but it’s been a lot less since I’ve put my mind to changing jobs because my boss is a pain in the arse. And this just kinda took a lot of pressure off of me, so therefore I wasn’t so moody all the time and didn’t have reason to be such a bitch. I’m trying to help Momo now, because he has the same problem in his company now. It’s just nice to be able to help each other out in the daily things and I think it has helped us to get even closer than we have been before. There is seriously nothing I could say which might tear us apart. None.

Lots of cute things have happened in the last few weeks: At some point he suddenly said “I can really imagine to have a baby with you!” and I just kinda laughed, because it was so absurd to hear but also so nice to know he’s thinking about the same things. So he replied “you must think I’m dumb now!” and I said “No, it’s ultra cute and I really love that you’re thinking the same thing” so he was suddenly like “but not now, right?!”… got a little worried there *lol*. Then there’s his friends who really do accept me as me. I even got an invitation to a birthday party to one of his friends. Not just him being invited with +1, no I got one myself. He also surprised me one morning, coming into my bedroom at 6am, when I had to get to work and he was going out and just came home “early” to see me before leaving for work. At first I wanted to shout at my mom, because I thought she wanted to wake me up and I had another 20 minutes to sleep, but when I realised it was my boyfriend, I really loved it. Then he’s always leaving his shirts behind, when he’s sleeping at my place and I have the day off, because he knows that I love wearing his shirts and smelling his scent all day long.

On a not so bright note, I had another panic attack again last weekend. I didn’t have one in years (3 to be exact) and Momo knew about my phobia, so I was really glad he was there and I could just fall into his arms and calm down.

So yeah, things are great. Still 🙂