hurting

New Year’s Eve

So here’s the thing: I always tell everyone, that I don’t care about New Year’s Eve. And that’s true for a few reasons. It’s why I’m at work tonight (I had hoped to work a night shift, so I’ll put it in for next year). However it’s a late shift and I’ll be off at 10.30pm, so I’ll be home by midnight. And even though I do not give sh*t about the change of the year, knowing I’ll be home alone by then,… still sucks.
I have always avoided going away for New Year’s Eve, because the one time I did have a boyfriend to kiss at midnight, he was having fun with his friends and I was sitting alone somewhere. Ever since, I try to avoid being surrounded by any couples, no matter how much I know and like them. I usually spent the evening with my mom, but she’s going to my brother’s whilst I’m at work tonight. So I’ll definitely be home alone. But it’s gonna be alright.

Then here comes another thing with P:
P and I have been talking again on Friday (after he sent me a selfie out of the blue – again) and once more we’ve gotten to the subject of meeting up. He had not suggested any date until then, so I figured I’d just go with it. He let me know that he was busy till January 4th but was free any other day (which leaves January 5th and 6th – great). And since it’s his birthday on the 6th, the only actual date we’d both be able would be the 5th. So I did text him saying “I guess you’ll have better things to do on your birthday, so what about the 5th?”

Guess what?
Yep. No more answer since. It’s been 2 days, so I don’t have any hope I will hear about it again. Either he’ll text me after we are supposed to meet up – or he’ll just send an unrelated picture again somewhen and not actually reply to my suggestion. But I have no hope that he will go through with the meet up anymore. Like at all.

Yes, I’m disappointed of course. I did not think he’d be that way. I’d understand if he hadn’t asked. But he did ask 2 times, got onto the subject again on Friday. So why is he doing this? Is he actually purposely trying to hurt me? Or what is going on in his fucked-up brain?!
I see all of you going “I told ya he’s playing you”. Maybe he is. And you know what? I’m just glad this happened in the old year. As mentioned above, I’m not one to be crazy about new year, new me. But this time I think it’s a good cut to move on. I know it’ll take time. And I’m actually hurt. And angry. I’m just really struggling with how he’s behaving right now. And I’m not interested in talking to him about it, so I’ll just leave it be.

I’m not sure how I’ll react once he shows up again. Whether I’ll just ignore him, or fall back into old patterns. I have no idea and I’m not putting up any goals. I’ll just see how things go. Either he texts me tonight about the new year, or I don’t expect to hear from him for quite a while.

Oh well, happy 2018. Nice to be starting it like the bullshit year 2017 has been. But gotta make the best of it nonetheless. Who knows what can be expected, right?

Happy New Year!

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Broken

I guess the final breakup has really settled in now. I have been emotionless all day. A first reminder of a beginning depression episode. And now I am crying over it. I am crying for no reason. I started crying because of a TV show, and all of a sudden I am crying about all my failures and faults in my entire life.

I knew he would not text me again. Not after my confessions. Not after telling him that our relationship lays in his hands from now on. I have finished the letter today. The one I had been writing on since I came back from holidays. Because I knew I would not be able to do so, once I realised he was gone for good. I knew I needed to write the words down before the tears came. And now they’re here. I am so sad. I don’t even know what about. There hasn’t been much more lost than 4 weeks ago. But it hurts that much more to let the breakup in my heart. Let it shatter the pieces that have been mended for a short amount of time. It hurts all over again. No matter how much I told myself I would be okay. That I probably wouldn’t even want this relationship anymore. My heart has broken again today. Realising that he’s gone. Really gone.

Another failed relationship? My obviously failure of keeping anyone close? Of not pushing them away after a few months? Of having a family? Of loving someone? Of not being important to anyone in my miserable life? I do not know what exactly hurts this much. But I can feel physical pain by now. And I have been wishing to just not be here anymore. I can’t get through another heartbreak. How many more times? I can’t do this any longer. I’m broken.