So after nothing happened, we woke up at around 9am. He looked at me and just cuddled me. All throughout the night he shifted away, but then got back to holding me somewhere. He also seemed to dream, since he always said “no” (obviously my mind wandered to him having nightmares deciding between me and his girlfriend – he can’t remember anything though).
Anyway, I can’t recall exactly how it happened, but he kissed me at some point. I think he was caressing my back and then just went for it. It was nice. I mean, I knew I loved our kissing chemistry, but it had been 2 years. Lots could change. But it hasn’t.
We kissed just once. Then he turned away and we just lay there…
but long story short: yep we did, what we shouldn’t have. We had sex. He started to fumble and for the longest time I always pushed his hand away and told him not to. He asked why, and I told him “you know why”. It didn’t really matter – plus this is a huge déjà-vu… and I realised my defence was crumbling. So in the end we had sex.
It was nice, I’m not gonna lie. We had fun, we just clicked. But I also could not entirely forget about his girlfriend. And here come the haters:
No I’m not feeling good. I know there’s always two that belong to something like this happening. Right now I’m not sure who is suffering more. Kenny or I? I feel like we are the ones who got hurt, because I’m not sure whether he’ll tell his girlfriend. I actually have absolutely no idea what will happen from now on. Maybe this one thing has done it for us. Maybe the chemistry is gone. Maybe that affection we have shared for 16 years is now gone, that we know what it is like. So we can now meet up just as friends, without having the urge to touch and kiss each other. Or maybe it’ll continue. I can honestly not tell you.
I also cannot tell you how I feel about any of this. My feelings are very mixed, but mostly bad. But then that’s nothing new. I knew I’d feel the remorse. Maybe more so than him. And yet I’ve done it. Why? I don’t know.
It was all good after the sex. He asked whether it had been okay for me (he seemed very unsure about himself) and he realised quickly that I was not doing okay, because I was thinking about what we have done. I did not say it out loud, but I guess I needn’t to.
So we cuddled some afterwards and then I noticed that he wanted to leave. He’s leaving abroad this afternoon, so I knew I had to get him back home in time and that was okay. We never planned on this happening. He actually had said before we fell asleep “who would have guessed we’d end up here?” and I just laughed and then he said “well.. at least not today”. So you know, he has planned this. And I’m not sure if he just wanted to get me laid, or whatever. it does sound like it I know, but I don’t believe it quite yet. We’ve had these kind of conversations before, and he always said “if I just wanted sex with you, I’d long have gotten it.” Which is true.
Anyway back to the story. So we started to get dressed, he looked around in my flat and then he suddenly got all weird and very distant. I asked if he was okay and he just said he was still drunk (which he wasn’t). I drove him home (15 minutes) and got a goodbye kiss on my cheek. Not surprising, since his neighbours surely know about his girlfriend. He also said that if any of his colleague will see him, he’ll tell them I’m his sister. This is one thing why I guess he won’t tell his girlfriend. Anyway. He then said “well.. see you… somewhen” and I jokingly said “in a year at carnival I guess”, he didn’t say anything to that just “well we’ll talk on the phone”. Then he walked off, no looking back. And that was the moment I think he realised what we had done. And the moment that everything hurt for me
I have no idea how he’s dealing right now. I haven’t heard from him yet and I want to leave him be for a moment. I don’t think he regrets what we’ve done, and neither do I if I’m being honest. If that makes me selfish, then that’s okay for me. I know we could have taken different turns on a lot of opportunities, but it happened. And that’s what we have to deal with right now. And I will be taking all the consequences if he decides to tell his girlfriend.
I’m not sure why I’m sad though. I’m not expecting a relationship. I do love him, but not in that way. We had sex, we weren’t making love. This is a huge difference for me. It was for fun. And I think it was the same for him. So we’ll have to see what happens.
As for the comments I’ve gotten lately. I do understand you guys, but I’m not sure I will defend myself any further. It has been a decision made by me, knowing the consequences. This blog has always been more of a diary to me, so I can read back on how I felt in certain situations in my life… and I’ll continue to do so. So excuse me if I’m not replying.