fwb

the morning after | part 2.

So after nothing happened, we woke up at around 9am. He looked at me and just cuddled me. All throughout the night he shifted away, but then got back to holding me somewhere. He also seemed to dream, since he always said “no” (obviously my mind wandered to him having nightmares deciding between me and his girlfriend – he can’t remember anything though).

Anyway, I can’t recall exactly how it happened, but he kissed me at some point. I think he was caressing my back and then just went for it. It was nice. I mean, I knew I loved our kissing chemistry, but it had been 2 years. Lots could change. But it hasn’t.
We kissed just once. Then he turned away and we just lay there…
but long story short: yep we did, what we shouldn’t have. We had sex. He started to fumble and for the longest time I always pushed his hand away and told him not to. He asked why, and I told him “you know why”. It didn’t really matter – plus this is a huge déjà-vu… and I realised my defence was crumbling. So in the end we had sex.

It was nice, I’m not gonna lie. We had fun, we just clicked. But I also could not entirely forget about his girlfriend. And here come the haters:
No I’m not feeling good. I know there’s always two that belong to something like this happening. Right now I’m not sure who is suffering more. Kenny or I? I feel like we are the ones who got hurt, because I’m not sure whether he’ll tell his girlfriend. I actually have absolutely no idea what will happen from now on. Maybe this one thing has done it for us. Maybe the chemistry is gone. Maybe that affection we have shared for 16 years is now gone, that we know what it is like. So we can now meet up just as friends, without having the urge to touch and kiss each other. Or maybe it’ll continue. I can honestly not tell you.

I also cannot tell you how I feel about any of this. My feelings are very mixed, but mostly bad. But then that’s nothing new. I knew I’d feel the remorse. Maybe more so than him. And yet I’ve done it. Why? I don’t know.

It was all good after the sex. He asked whether it had been okay for me (he seemed very unsure about himself) and he realised quickly that I was not doing okay, because I was thinking about what we have done. I did not say it out loud, but I guess I needn’t to.
So we cuddled some afterwards and then I noticed that he wanted to leave. He’s leaving abroad this afternoon, so I knew I had to get him back home in time and that was okay. We never planned on this happening. He actually had said before we fell asleep “who would have guessed we’d end up here?” and I just laughed and then he said “well.. at least not today”. So you know, he has planned this. And I’m not sure if he just wanted to get me laid, or whatever. it does sound like it I know, but I don’t believe it quite yet. We’ve had these kind of conversations before, and he always said “if I just wanted sex with you, I’d long have gotten it.” Which is true.

Anyway back to the story. So we started to get dressed, he looked around in my flat and then he suddenly got all weird and very distant. I asked if he was okay and he just said he was still drunk (which he wasn’t). I drove him home (15 minutes) and got a goodbye kiss on my cheek. Not surprising, since his neighbours surely know about his girlfriend. He also said that if any of his colleague will see him, he’ll tell them I’m his sister. This is one thing why I guess he won’t tell his girlfriend. Anyway. He then said “well.. see you… somewhen” and I jokingly said “in a year at carnival I guess”, he didn’t say anything to that just “well we’ll talk on the phone”. Then he walked off, no looking back. And that was the moment I think he realised what we had done. And the moment that everything hurt for me

I have no idea how he’s dealing right now. I haven’t heard from him yet and I want to leave him be for a moment. I don’t think he regrets what we’ve done, and neither do I if I’m being honest. If that makes me selfish, then that’s okay for me. I know we could have taken different turns on a lot of opportunities, but it happened. And that’s what we have to deal with right now. And I will be taking all the consequences if he decides to tell his girlfriend.
I’m not sure why I’m sad though. I’m not expecting a relationship. I do love him, but not in that way. We had sex, we weren’t making love. This is a huge difference for me. It was for fun. And I think it was the same for him. So we’ll have to see what happens.

As for the comments I’ve gotten lately. I do understand you guys, but I’m not sure I will defend myself any further. It has been a decision made by me, knowing the consequences. This blog has always been more of a diary to me, so I can read back on how I felt in certain situations in my life… and I’ll continue to do so. So excuse me if I’m not replying.

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seeing Kenny

I feel like I need to type out my feelings towards Kenny before I see him on Thursday.

I’m not entirely sure where we’re heading to, and I’m also not sure how I’ll feel about it once I’m going home from our “date” again, but right now… I’m looking forward to seeing him. I really miss him when he doesn’t text, and we have been in constant contact from morning to night every day the last 2 weeks or so. This is new, but then also not so new, because it usually is like that before we see each other.
I don’t know what to expect. I do expect us to kiss, but then I also think he might try to hold himself together and therefore not kiss me. I’m not sure how I’ll feel when he doesn’t. I probably would be sad, if I’m being honest. I’m definitely not going to make that first step, but I’d love to kiss him. Not gonna lie. Actually, right now I’d probably even go into friends with benefits with him… but that’s most likely because I’m so lonely lately and the attention I get from him feels so good. I know it’d be hard, because I know about his girlfriend and so on… but I guess I’ll just see how it goes in a few days.

Another thing that happened this weekend: As I’ve said before, we’re chatting on snapchat. You can send special emoji’s (bitmoji) with your personal avatars. I think it was Sunday morning when he sent me an emoji, which said “I love you”. I was pretty surprised by this. Not because I thought he didn’t love me, but because he was so open about it. He did claim that he hadn’t meant to send it, but let’s be real. They’re huge, you can’t just push one on accident. Maybe he just wanted to see how I reacted? And I know he loves me in some way. I don’t think I have ever been so sure about someone having feelings towards me. But then probably because we both know we can’t allow them.

I don’t know. I’m just excited to see him this Thursday. He texted me this morning saying “it’s Thursday soon”. He didn’t say why (obviously because he’s off work, but then also – I guess – he’s excited to see me as well).

So I’m pretty torn. I do want him. But I also know it will do me no good, because I don’t want to be second choice. The question seems to be, whether I am second choice or the girlfriend is. It might be obvious to you guys, but then why is he always coming back to me? Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m at the bad end of all of this. But we’ll see. There’s not much to lose, right?

a serious talk with Kenny

Something new happened with Kenny. Well kind of, we’ve had talks about our emotions or our status before… so it’s not entirely new. But it was indicated from his part, so that was new.
He had been somewhat silent yesterday and I thought he might be mad, because I didn’t go over when he asked me to. But I just thought to myself, that if he actually decides to ignore me for that, I’d just leave him be for how ever long it’ll take us to get back together.

Well anyway. I’m glad snapchat lets you save your messages, since I can’t take screenshots for he would notice. So it started out with us arguing about sex. This is nothing new and I told him to let it go, because I was not in the mood to argue. All of a sudden he asked me what I thought of him. That was new. And I figured it was time to let him know what kind of mess he’s getting me into:
I’m not sure what I think about you myself actually. You know that I like you, but things like on Saturday let me ask myself what I am to you… it’s one thing to not agree on what ‘cheating’ is…  but sometimes I just ask myself if I’m a ‘fun toy’ for in between.. not sure how to explain my feelings

I didn’t get an answer for the longest time. I also didn’t know what to expect from him, I had absolutely no clue. After a few hours he sent me a wink-emoji and said that he understood me and knows what he does isn’t good. And that we’ve talked about this before.
We have. We’ve gone through the exact same thing 2 years ago, without any change.
I wanted to be completely honest so I replied the following: “I’m not accusing you of anything, I hope you know that. I just wouldn’t be able to do so, or rather that’s the only reason I didn’t come on Saturday, because I remembered how I felt 2 years ago. I wasn’t the one to do anything wrong, but I’m an honest and loyal person and it was hard for me. It’s not that I had hoped you would leave your girlfriend for me. I never hoped or thought so. But still it hurt me… I know we’ll probably never be able to  get our fingers off each other and in some way that’s nice to know, too.. but still…
He then exclaimed how I had something about me, that keeps him coming back for me. He then asked what we should do about it and I said I didn’t know and probably never will.

Then things took a weird turn. He said “best would be, if you’d have a boyfriend“. I just said “why should that make things any easier between us?” and he said this way I’d be able to forget about him. Which is ridiculous. We’ve been in each other’s lives for 16 years and we always had that thing going on. I met him when I was 12 and fell in love with him just by texting. It took us like 4 years to finally meet up (by accident that is), and that’s when he kissed me even though he had a girlfriend back then. So that story has started a loooong way back. A boyfriend wouldn’t change my feelings towards him. I might decide to hide them, but it wouldn’t change them.

I’m not sure what to do about this. Like I said, I don’t think we’ll end up together. He probably is somewhat happy with his girlfriend and I believe him. I’m not sure if anyone who hasn’t ever experienced something like that understands… but it’s just something that keeps us getting back together. Yet the timing is always wrong. He just said how last year we didn’t meet up when he had been single. And that was due to me being with Alan. We can’t seem to get it right. And I’m not hoping or wanting for him to break up with his girlfriend. I would never ask him for that, if he’s happy. The last girlfriend I told him to leave was, because he wasn’t happy anymore (and it still took him a year to do so, after we kissed).

I know all of this sounds so awkward. And I’m telling you, it’s not that I want to forget about P. Of course it doesn’t make things any easier for me, and I definitely wouldn’t let myself have these talks if I’d date anyone. But I’m not, so musing about Kenny and I… well what is new in my life? Drama everywhere.

Kenny never learns his lesson…

Kenny is like a tornado. When he decides to come into my life, he rushes in with full force. There’s not in between.

I mentioned in my last post how we decided to meet up in a little over a week – so to say: our yearly date. And I was already concerned about how things would turn out to be.

Well, here’s a new story:
We have been texting back and forth again for a few days. It’s us. We always have these moments when we’re in constant contact and then we can be radio silent for a year or so.
Kenny has a girlfriend. I’m not sure how long they’ve been together, I just saw a picture on instagram when they were on holidays last summer. And he told me so on New Year’s Eve. It doesn’t matter anyway, it doesn’t justify any of his actions.

So.
Last night he was out, drunk. Although he said he wasn’t, after 16 years I know when he’s drunk and when he’s sober. When he does get drunk, he always gets somewhat clingy. So at 11pm he texted me (via snapchat of course), that I should come over. I asked what he was expecting me to do then, and he said “we’ll take it from there”. I didn’t react to it, although honestly I was actually thinking about going. I really wanted to see him. I’ve been feeling lonely lately, and I really miss the reassurance from P. But my brain knew better. Fortunately.

Well, long story short: I told him I wouldn’t go over and he asked why. I told him that we both know very well what would happen and I just got a happy emoji back from him. I told him it’s not gonna happen, due to him being with his girlfriend.
His response? “She’s not around!” – well dude, I’m glad you’re not cheating on your girlfriend when she’s standing right next to you,.. but seriously? Do you not have any remorse?!
So I told him that by now I know he’s not feeling any remorse, but that I would feel so and he asked me why. I couldn’t explain, just that I thought it was wrong. He then said the same thing he did almost 2 years ago: “well.. live now, not in the future!”
It seems to be his motto when he does stupid stuff. What really caught me off guard however was him all of a sudden telling me that he’s into me. We’ve never been big on discussing our feelings, but after 16 years I knew he was loving me in some way. But we also both know that we probably will never end up together, since in all these years the timing was never right. But let’s be honest. I’ve been single for over 7 months and hearing that someone is into me, of course is nice to hear. Especially with everything going on with P.

But.
It doesn’t justify his cheating on his girlfriend. And this is the one reason I will never pursue a relationship with him. I don’t know if he’s like that to any other girls. I honestly don’t believe so. It’s just s thing about us. We can’t seem to let go of each other, no matter the circumstances. But… once a cheater, always a cheater. He’s never going to learn his lesson. I had actually believed now that he’s seemingly happy with his girlfriend, he wouldn’t do something so stupid.. but he also knows I’d not tell her or anyone and he’s clever enough not to let him get caught.

I don’t know. It’s just fucked up.

Oh by the way, I didn’t go to see him, although I was very close to getting in my car. Fortunately I fell asleep when he didn’t reply for like 5 minutes.

New Year, New Date.

So I’ve mentioned Mikey in another post before.

If I’m being honest I didn’t expect to hear back from him after his holidays over New Year. I knew he was away for 4 days and didn’t expect him to text me during his stay. But even here he surprised me and texted the very first day. We have been in contact ever since. It was much less whilst he was away, but we talked nonetheless. This is something so different to what I’m used to with P. Because the conversation was back to “normal” once he got back on Tuesday.

Now here’s the thing: As I said before, he has asked me for drinks in the beginning – way before we realised we were not looking for the same thing. I declined. Then he asked again over the holidays I think, not sure anymore. He asked again yesterday and I told him if Mr. Cucu won’t be ready I’d come over on Saturday. He then replied he won’t hold up his free time until Saturday, which is understandable. At first I was pissed, because it seemed like he really wanted to see me and then he wasn’t open to wait. But seriously, I wouldn’t do it either. So he asked for Sunday and I declined again, due to my final exam in just a month. And I really need to get my bum moving.

But.

I promised him I will take time once that is over. By then we’ll have talked for 2 months already (he messaged me December 14th) and we’ll know. I’m not sure whether he wants to see me and hopes I’ll change my mind about the friends with benefits thing or is actually interested in me. Because he seems to be. And I do really like this guy as well so far. So I’m excited to see him.
I could have met him this Sunday, but I really just wanted to see where things with P are heading. I don’t want to get myself even more messed up with two guys at once, you know? Not that I’d plan a date on Sunday and then actually would see P beforehand. That’d really mess with my head for sure.

If I’m not seeing P this Friday, I’m definitely moving on. May even start dating Mikey. What is there to lose?!
So stay tuned for some more f*cked-up-dating-disasters of mine 🙂

meeting Gohan again

So. That “date” yesterday didn’t turn out how I expected it to. Well, I didn’t expect much, did I? I wanted to leave all options open, although I did think about how I wasn’t allowed to have sex for yet another week because of my surgery. So you can imagine how far my imagination had gone by the time I reread all the old posts about Gohan.

My mind got really messed by the time I met up with him. I was thinking about getting back in a relationship with him, or maybe just having a friendship with benefits. I wondered why things never worked out. I imagined how nice it would be, to have someone this close (in distance)… To sum things up: my mind was flying at around 130mph.

But then, when I saw him at the train station… after the first thing he said, I remembered why we didn’t work out. As mean as this may sound, but I just knew I could never ever be with him, just like I said on all these other posts about him.
We don’t share a lot of common interests and do see life from very different points of view. He talks a lot about himself. He has a lot of issues with his personality and tries to verify them with things that have nothing to do with it. And he’s just weird. There’s nothing wrong with being weird, but he’s so proud of being different… it’s just not what I like in a guy.

I went home at 1am after driving him home, so we spent a good 4 hours talking. Or rather him talking for like 3.5 of them. But with each minute I just felt more and more uncomfortable. At first things were okay, we talked and it was nice to meet someone I haven’t seen in so long. But by 11pm I got really tired and just wanted to be left alone. He didn’t realise. By 12.30am he said we should head home and he was mumbling something about going home and watching some Netflix. I wasn’t sure if he meant for me to join, but I knew I would not go to his house. It ended up being no question, so that was fine for me.

All summed up: it was nice to see him, but that’ll leave me satisfied for a looong time. We haven’t texted since either. He was very touchy and cuddley and kept telling me how “sexless” he was, to which I didn’t say anything. He asked me to give him my jacket or warm him up, which I found so weird that I didn’t reply. He asked why I didn’t reply and I was like “I’m not gonna give you my jacket!” Like, what?! I didn’t feel the need to cuddle him or whatever, although he tried several times. But I guess after a while he realised I would not give him what he wanted.
He also apologised for how he’s treated me after the breakup. He realised that he was very emotionally unavailable and was not reacting how he should have. But I have long gotten over it, so it was no big deal. Sure it was nice to see that he realised he behaved wrong… but you know, it’s been 5 years.

As I said, it was okay. But nothing like I expected. Not exactly in a bad way, but not in a good way either. It did make me want to date again though. But oh well…

I have a confession to make…

I realised today that I’m having a real issue with not having a man in my life that keeps my self-confidence going and I freakin hate this. I don’t want to. I can be happy without a man, yet it makes it so much easier to be told how people see me. Or to realise that someone misses you. You get me, right?

So… I made a terrible mistake today, because feeling lonely and things with Micah going terribly wrong and stuff. Apart from texting Micah I texted someone else.

I want to talk to you about why I did so:
Last night I was dreaming. I haven’t dreamt of a guy in quite a while. Of all the men I could have possibly dreamt of, it was Kenny. What the actual fuck? I just told you 2 days ago, how I haven’t been thinking about him anymore… that’s hilarious. Not.
I dreamt that we were in a flat together, his girlfriend was there with him. We started talking, like 2 friends talk on a party. We were happy to have bumped into each other, as we hadn’t seen each other since the “fight”.
After a while his girlfriend came to say goodbye (she only went to another room – dreams are weird) and we were left alone in a room. Kenny had that look again when we were left alone. He locked the door and started pushing me against the wall kissing me. I’m not going into any more details, but I woke up when he had just entered me. I woke up being confused and very horny. I actually wanted to fall back asleep and see how the sex was. It was pretty damn real and I freakin liked it way more than I should have.

All day I hoped I would forget about the dream again, as I so often do. I didn’t. I kept on thinking about Kenny. I was frustrated with Micah.

So.
I texted Kenny.

I know I told you guys I deleted his number. And I really have! But I can’t do such things without a backup plan, because I knew – maybe some day I needed that number again. I had saved his number somewhere in the back of my phone and retreated it. I texted him and we went back to talking pretty much as if there hadn’t been a 2 months gap. I freakin missed that guy. I am not emotionally involved again, I needed that break to not fall further in love with him. So that’s a good thing at least.

So that has been my day. One huge freakin mess. But ya know. What the heck. At least I’m feeling more emotionally stable.