meeting Gohan again

So. That “date” yesterday didn’t turn out how I expected it to. Well, I didn’t expect much, did I? I wanted to leave all options open, although I did think about how I wasn’t allowed to have sex for yet another week because of my surgery. So you can imagine how far my imagination had gone by the time I reread all the old posts about Gohan.

My mind got really messed by the time I met up with him. I was thinking about getting back in a relationship with him, or maybe just having a friendship with benefits. I wondered why things never worked out. I imagined how nice it would be, to have someone this close (in distance)… To sum things up: my mind was flying at around 130mph.

But then, when I saw him at the train station… after the first thing he said, I remembered why we didn’t work out. As mean as this may sound, but I just knew I could never ever be with him, just like I said on all these other posts about him.
We don’t share a lot of common interests and do see life from very different points of view. He talks a lot about himself. He has a lot of issues with his personality and tries to verify them with things that have nothing to do with it. And he’s just weird. There’s nothing wrong with being weird, but he’s so proud of being different… it’s just not what I like in a guy.

I went home at 1am after driving him home, so we spent a good 4 hours talking. Or rather him talking for like 3.5 of them. But with each minute I just felt more and more uncomfortable. At first things were okay, we talked and it was nice to meet someone I haven’t seen in so long. But by 11pm I got really tired and just wanted to be left alone. He didn’t realise. By 12.30am he said we should head home and he was mumbling something about going home and watching some Netflix. I wasn’t sure if he meant for me to join, but I knew I would not go to his house. It ended up being no question, so that was fine for me.

All summed up: it was nice to see him, but that’ll leave me satisfied for a looong time. We haven’t texted since either. He was very touchy and cuddley and kept telling me how “sexless” he was, to which I didn’t say anything. He asked me to give him my jacket or warm him up, which I found so weird that I didn’t reply. He asked why I didn’t reply and I was like “I’m not gonna give you my jacket!” Like, what?! I didn’t feel the need to cuddle him or whatever, although he tried several times. But I guess after a while he realised I would not give him what he wanted.
He also apologised for how he’s treated me after the breakup. He realised that he was very emotionally unavailable and was not reacting how he should have. But I have long gotten over it, so it was no big deal. Sure it was nice to see that he realised he behaved wrong… but you know, it’s been 5 years.

As I said, it was okay. But nothing like I expected. Not exactly in a bad way, but not in a good way either. It did make me want to date again though. But oh well…


I have a confession to make…

I realised today that I’m having a real issue with not having a man in my life that keeps my self-confidence going and I freakin hate this. I don’t want to. I can be happy without a man, yet it makes it so much easier to be told how people see me. Or to realise that someone misses you. You get me, right?

So… I made a terrible mistake today, because feeling lonely and things with Micah going terribly wrong and stuff. Apart from texting Micah I texted someone else.

I want to talk to you about why I did so:
Last night I was dreaming. I haven’t dreamt of a guy in quite a while. Of all the men I could have possibly dreamt of, it was Kenny. What the actual fuck? I just told you 2 days ago, how I haven’t been thinking about him anymore… that’s hilarious. Not.
I dreamt that we were in a flat together, his girlfriend was there with him. We started talking, like 2 friends talk on a party. We were happy to have bumped into each other, as we hadn’t seen each other since the “fight”.
After a while his girlfriend came to say goodbye (she only went to another room – dreams are weird) and we were left alone in a room. Kenny had that look again when we were left alone. He locked the door and started pushing me against the wall kissing me. I’m not going into any more details, but I woke up when he had just entered me. I woke up being confused and very horny. I actually wanted to fall back asleep and see how the sex was. It was pretty damn real and I freakin liked it way more than I should have.

All day I hoped I would forget about the dream again, as I so often do. I didn’t. I kept on thinking about Kenny. I was frustrated with Micah.

I texted Kenny.

I know I told you guys I deleted his number. And I really have! But I can’t do such things without a backup plan, because I knew – maybe some day I needed that number again. I had saved his number somewhere in the back of my phone and retreated it. I texted him and we went back to talking pretty much as if there hadn’t been a 2 months gap. I freakin missed that guy. I am not emotionally involved again, I needed that break to not fall further in love with him. So that’s a good thing at least.

So that has been my day. One huge freakin mess. But ya know. What the heck. At least I’m feeling more emotionally stable.

I’m confused! (And TMI)

Excuse the ramble ahead, but I just need to clear my mind.

I’m struggling with myself right now. I have never been one to need a lot of physical attention. I was good on my own, never felt lonely, didn’t get horny or at least not as much so I felt the need to release it with some random one-night-stand. It’s been 4.5 months since I last had sex with Stan. 4.5 months aren’t that long on my terms – I’ve done much longer… I usually am doing okay with that. For some awkward reason I am craving physical attention now though. I was lying in bed this afternoon, fantasising about having sex with Kenny and I got so horny. I really want to have sex with him, but my heart just doesn’t want to hear anything about it. I think that if I will sleep with him, I will get emotionally attached. Always did in the past. But I crave him. And I think he knows. Maybe it’s the attention I suddenly got from a man. From a taken man. Which just.. for me this means something. But I guess it’s all in my head.

What I’m struggling with even more though, is, him. Sometimes he speaks with his cock, I can tell. But then there’s so much heart in him, he can be so lovely and understanding that it’s hard to keep my emotions off.
Today we were small talking when he suddenly started dirty talk. He said that he wants to nail me (we were talking about acupuncture…), he also said in the morning that he thinks I’m good in bed (we were talking about watching TV during sex) and I was like “how would you know?” – “you’re a good kisser, that means something…”
He also asked if I would come over today and I said that he’s had his chance yesterday, to which he just said “shit 😀 “.. good on you guy. Then he said “I still like you!” and I just said “good for you!”.
Aaaanyway, so the dirty talk happened. Not going too deep into it. All of a sudden he asked me why I was going to acupuncture and was being very friendly and caring about my disease. Like. What? He has these moments when he’s that caring cute man. And then his cock overtakes and he just literally talks shit, it’s like a switch and it can turn from one second to the next.
I mean at one point I complained how he said that he didn’t want to see me and he was like “No.. not at the moment.. well no, that’s not right either. I do want to see you, it’s just not very… convenient right now!” Stupid as I am I was hopeful that he was thinking about breaking up with his girlfriend and asked what he means. “well, until my flatmate has moved out!” Great.

As I said I was lying in bed today, just fantasising about different scenarios. And I asked myself if I really hated the idea of just sex, having a fuck buddy? I mean it’s his problem if he cheats on his girlfriend and as long as I don’t evolve any emotions, I get the sex I crave right now, have a friend I know and just get the attention I need. What is there to lose, really? I don’t know what’s wrong with my mind, I guess the horniness is overtaking.